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MainBLAH |
I GET LETTERS:
Following up on my question from last week, Mike Sparkman (no relation to
Mike Sparks)
offers: I work in the cell phone industry, and unfortunately, hear WAY
to many ring tones. The tune in question is "Kick", and, as far as I
know, it's just a made up tune by Nokia. Definitely not "Kick" by INXS.
Thanks for the great work. Also from Rhys Martin:Good Evening Just caught the RAW recap and you were curious what the ringing tone was on the TNN Research commercial...well, it's called 'Kick' and it's in all Nokia phones that I know of. I only know this because I work for Cingular Wireless, and I hate it almost as much as the normal old Nokia ring. Anyway, just thought I'd pass that along. If you're into the whole ringtone thing, I have a few custom ones I've made and, if you have a request, I can see if I can find it <my personal one right now is Real American&rt;. Keep up the good work! This reminds me of the Solid Gold Chartbusters' (non-)hit single "I Wanna 1-2-1 With You" which I now can't get out of my head - so let's move on... KINGS UPDATE: Ordinarily, I'd be elated with a split at Staples, but it sure seems like a big waste to lead practically the entire game and then let Horry hit that last shot and ohhhh let's keep moving on TONIGHT: Eddie Guerrero and Rob van Dam go one more time - but this time, it's a ladder match for the intercontinental title! Also, take a look at what happened last week - oh my - well, surely Austin will have something to say about that? Come back in twenty! T(O)N(I)G(HT): Damn, this has to be like the WORST Trek I've eeeeeeeeever...ohh, this is "Baywatch at Sea World." Sorry. QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.55 (- .40, last year: 12.24, two years ago: 16 3/4) You're watching the National Network - the new TNN! TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW! Opening Credits GREAT EXCHANGE RATE PYRO heralds the arrival of another Monday night of wrestling action - or lack thereof, perhaps - we shall see - this is the Skyreach Centre in Edmonton, AB and we're transmitido en espanol SAP and you better FEEL IT TONIGHT: Eddie Guerrero puts it on the line one more time against Rob van Dam in a ladder match! TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar takes on Bubba Ray Dudley! Paul Heyman will shout! Look! THE WORLD! It must be Fleet Week! But first... hey! That's CHRIS BENOIT! I thought he was drafted into the SmackDown! brand! Also, I thought there was an "agreement of reciprocity," which I remember because it was about the DUMBEST collection of words I'd heard in FOREVER... Well, so much for what I thought, wot? Today's Edmonton Journal had this man on the front page and here's a graphic proving such. Benoit takes a standing ovation just long enough for us to hear a goodly portion of his new theme music, yet we get no Forcable Entry CD cover....it actually gets LOUDER after the music stop. As another chant begins, Benoit decides to go to the second rope one more time - and why not? The chant continues - hey, this guy's just like Hogan! Except not. "You know, it sure as HELL feels good to be back! You know, a few months ago, I was drafted by Vince McMahon to be on SmackDown! Well, there is absolutely no WAY the WWE is going to come through MY hometown...without havin' the Wolverine!" Pause for another chant. "You know (3), I'm only a few weeks away from comin' back to doing what I do best - proving what I prove best - being the best damn technical wrestler in the world today! You know (4), there's an awfully good reason why I came here tonight--" but before we find out what that is, EDDIE GUERRERO interrupts, making his way down to ringside. Ross mentions that Debra had a family emergency earlier, so Austin isn't here yet - and that's why Guerrero has such a strut to him. When Radicalz collide? "(Something in Spanish) - it's good to SEE you, ese! It really is! You know what, Benoit...I missed you, homes. I really MISSED you, ese. But you know what I missed most of all? Your *jealousy*. That's right, ese, you were ALWAYS jealous of Eddi'errero. 'cause you know that out of ALL the Radicalz...I'm the one with all the talent. I'm the one with all the...kareezma. But you know what, ese? Most of all, I'm the *only* one with Latino Heeeeeat." "You suck" chant. "You know what, ese? Your jealousy has always blinded you, man. (Spanish stuff) You were ALWAYS trying to hold me back." "Is that so." "Yeah... ... you know what, ese? Since you been gone, I have accomplished a lot, ese - I AM the intercontinental champion! I beat RVD. But you know what, ese? Last week, (Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) I was able to accomplish what YOU never could...I laid out Austin! I laid him out...stone cold!" "Well, congratulations...Mr. Lateeno Heet. You are the intercontinental champion...and unfortunately, that's a reality I can't change. But tonight, RVD can. As far as you being a *better* wrestler than me? Hehehehehe - well tonight, we're gonna find out if you can have a better *ladder match* than me. And what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin...well it takes a real tough guy to hit someone from behind - and then run." "Orale. You know what? I'd like to hitCHEW - right now." Mics and down, belt is down, Benoit removes his shirt...but woooo! RIC FLAIR appears, mic in hand. "Well, well, well....well, well, well! Benoit...can't you do anything civilised?" "Asshole" chant. "I let you walk out here, suck up to all your home town fans...and what do ya do? You start a fight. Typical Canadian. You realy think I'm gonna let Chris Benoit get it on with Eddie Guerrero tonight? Let's ask everybody in Edmonton - do you want to see Chris Benoit against Eddie Guerrero? You want to see Stone Cold Steve Austin walk down that aisle tonight? Too bad! 'cause according to JR, Austin's wife Debra got a family emergency - he can't be here. And even if he was stupid enough to interfere in my program, I have a special welcoming committee waitin' on him. So Austin, you might as well stay home anyway - you're benched. But Benoit...you're not benched. But if you think for one minute I'm gonna let a SmackDown! guy walk in here and get it on with a superstar from RAW, much less the intercontinental champion...you're wrong. So unless you got a ticket - and you don't - get outta my ring right now." "Get out, ese! Get outta MY ring!" Benoit shoves him down - and Flair immediately calls for Security. At least, I think that's what he meant when he said "Security!" about a million times (okay, seven). Three CANADIAN SECURITY GUYS (no *wonder* they were so slow) finally appear at ringside. "Right there, buddy. Out. OUT." Benoit walks to Flair. "Right there, brother." Benoit walks back to Guerrero...and now out of the ring. "Now." They play Flair's music again - Flair smiles. Lita ain't no Mark Martin Catch the WWE live tomorrow in Calgary, Saturday in Pensacola, Sunday in Jackson, Monday in Tulsa and Tuesday in Oklahoma City! During Break, Benoit was shirtless and escorted out of the building TRISH STRATUS (Women's champion - Toronto, Ontario - with King of the Ring onsale tix hype) and SPIKE DUDLEY (challenger - Dudleyville - 150 pounds) v. ... Backstage, William Regal and Molly Holly are WALKING! "Are you all right, dear, you seem a little trepidatious, always rubbing your hands." "Well you see, William, tonight is the first night that I'm in the ring with Spike Dudley since we broke up last year. Yeah, I'm a bit nervous because Spike was such a pervert. Yeah, one time...he tried to go to second base with me!" "D'you mean he tried - that filthy, disgusting swine!" "But thankfully, I didn't let him - I was much too good for him anyway." "You most certainly are, dear - rest assured you don't have to worry about that miserable little toerag tonight; I'll take care of him. You just remember what I taught you." WWE EUROPEAN & WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIPS: TRISH STRATUS & SPIKE DUDLEY v. WILLIAM REGAL (European champion - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds) & MOLLY HOLLY (challenger - Mobile, Alabama) in a mixed tag referee: CHAD PATTON Spike lunges at Regal and we're off and away. Right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, duck by Spike, right hand, dropkick, dropkick, going outside and up top...sits on him for 2! Right, into the corner with a Ten Punch Count Along - right, into the ropes, ducks a swing from Regal, crossbody gets 2. Headscissors takeover - schoolboy gets 2. Regal makes a desperation tag - Molly goes ahead and slaps him one knowing he has to tag out. Spike rares back...but does make the tag. Trish ducks, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, kick, kick, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Trish out with a clothesline - 1, 2, no. Forearm, forearm, standing kick, 1, 2, no. Regal in, Spike wants to stop him but only manages to draw over Patton - Trish with a chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed...and Regal grabs her from behind - then comes in and hits Trish with a running knee! Regal quickly back to his corner and none's the wiser. Hook of the leg by Molly - 1, 2, no! Molly puts a shin on her throat and makes protestation to the ref. Now here's a choke on the second rope. Molly breaks at 4 every time. Shoved facefirst to the mat. Quick elbowdrop to the small of the back. Another elbowdrop. Snickers Cruncher replay of Regal's interference. Hairpull takedown by Holly. Trish manages to sneak in a backslide - 1, 2, 3! (3:05) Whoa, that was unexpected. Regal slips Molly the brass knuckles, then forearms Spike from behind to take him outside. Trish holds up her title to stave off Regal...allowing Molly to plug her from behind with HER Power of the Punch! Play Regal's music! Here's a replay of the unlikely finish - and the knux punch that looks a lot more like just another forearm...oh well. Did Ross *really* just say "the only thing hard in his tights?" YIKES This is an ad: "Now Jesse, here at the network, we always - ALWAYS - refer to ourselves as The New TNN. Never just TNN." "...why." "Because that's not our name; our name is The New TNN. Our website is the thenewtnn.com. Uh, it's - it's who we are - we are The New TNN. Are, are you with me?" "Uhh..not really." You know what...I'm actually kinda with this guy right here. Also, I'm wondering why they had to do an overdub on the other dude's lines. Also, I'm thinking that I'm probably overthinking - so let's move on WWE Shop Zone dot com ad Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - that's a MUCH better angle, thanks - we are told Stratus was KO'd and collapsed TERRI stands backstage with Steven Richards. "Terri, Jazz is doing okay. She did have a very serious knee operation, but she is recovering nicely. And one thing I'm very happy about is how close Jazz and I have become. She's just so cute and cuddly, she's such a warm person, oh, she's the best." Jacqueline interrupts. "Excuse me? Whatchoo sayin' 'bout Jazz? She's cute and cuddly? Come on, give me a break!" "Ohhh - oh, I get it! You're jealous of Jazz! You wanna hook up with me, Jackie - you wanna be with Steven Richards, isn't that right?" "Well, you're half right..." She kicks him in the shin, then grabs Terri's mic and clocks Richards with it. She hooks a leg and calls in Charles Robinson - 1, 2, Shawn Stasiak appears and pulls her off - "why don't you take a hike" - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Boss Man appears and gives Stasiak a tour of the nightstick - adds a few blows to Richards - 1, kick by Stasiak...now Boss Man and Stasiak end up brawling away from the set...leaving Terri to...decide to cover him - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. Whoops, Richards reaches up with a schoolboy - deep in the crotch! Deep in the crotch! Deep in the crotch! 1, 2, 3. (0:10) Reset complete, Richards runs off Meanwhile, we head to the NWO locker room where X-Pac is gladhanding Big Show. "G-Money, man, you're unstoppable, man! What's up with that? There ain't nobody you can't go through!" In comes Booker T. "Yo X-Pac - you ready or what, man?" "Ready? Hell yeah I'm ready B Teezy!" "You all BETTER be ready!" That was Nash - here HE is. "What up?" "Rebirth of the NWO - tonight's a new night for us. Everybody's got matches. You got Bradshaw one on one." "Cool." "No run-ins, no help. You're on your own." "You two got the Hardyz - same deal--" "No problem." "--no help. Thing is this, you lose, you're outta the NWO. And on top of that, if you lose, I'm gonna kick your asses." Show gets a chuckle - I think T stifles one, too. "Oh, you got a problem with that?" "Kev, I have no problem. You gotta do what you gotta do, and I gotta do what I gotta do." "Yeah, G Money, you gotta win a match. That's all you gotta do." "I don't think that's gonna be a problem." "Then we ain't got a problem. Any other problems?" "Yeah." "What's your problem?" "Yeah, I got one for ya, coach." "Yeah, what's that?" "It's about my music, you know? You know I'm down with the NWO and all of that - but this music, man, this wah-wah-wah-wah-WAH-wah, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah - look, that ain't me, bro. You know - I got to FEEL what I'm doing, man, I got to - BASS! You know, I got to feel NOW CAN U DIG IT - SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - that's what I'm talking about!" "Win a match, and then we do a remix. Now can you dig THAT, SUCKAAAAA." "Yeah, I can dig it." "You guys are up. Get the job done, man, get the job done." Kev makes sure to pat 'Pac on the ass on his way out. We pan back to a training room to see Goldust hiding in the whirlpool. Meanwhile, JONATHAN COACHMAN stands out in the cold, awaiting Austin's arrival BOOKER T & X-PAC (481 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, Honda, and Snickers!) v. HARDY BOYZ (Cameron, North Carolina - 441 pounds - with Dallas RAW hype) referee: NICK PATRICK Coming out to T's theme, the NWO duo seems pally enough - 'Pac STILL wears Kane's mask out to the ring. Matt starts with 'Pac. Lockup, 'Pac with an armdrag - and a boast. "X-Pac sucks!" already starts up. Lockup, side headock, 'Pac chain wrestles all the way into a schoolboy by Matt for 2. Let's go again. Kick by 'Pac, right, right, open-handed slap, kick trifecta in the corner - into the opposite corner, boot up by Hardy on the charge. Second rope ahhhhhhhdrop. 1, T breaks it up. 'Pac crawls to T for the tag - T into an armdrag by Matt, tag to Jeff, into the ropes, double back elbow, fistdrop/senton combo - Jeff covers...and gets 2. Right, kick, opposite corner whip is reversed but Jeff flies off with the twisting moonsault - 1, 2, 'Pac breaks it up. Tag to Matt...but he ends up on the wrong end of a stun gun. Tag to 'Pac - spinning heel kick puts him down for 2. Tag to T. Hardy sent into the ropes, ducks the double clothesline, and hits one of his own. Matt crawls to Jeff - tag! Jeff up and over into the ring, ducks a double clothesline, split-legged dropkick on both men, jawbreaker for T, dobule leg and speaking in tongues legdrop for 'Pac. Both Hardys on T - into the corner, Poetry in Motion! 'Pac into the corner and HE gets Poetry in Motion. Right hand by Hardy puts 'Pac down. patrick finally restores order - T finally turns it back with a back heel kick on Jeff. T starts shaking - gutshot, blind tag, axe kick, looks at his hand and puts Matt on the floor with a shot. Behind T's back, 'Pac delivers an X Factor and covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:42) T seems surprised that his partner just scored the fall. The NWO theme plays...but T grabs a mic. "Cut that damn music! Cut it! Look, man...I came here to give these people what they wanna see. Now hit - my - music!" T looks at his hand, drops down, breakdances back up and raises both hands high. 'Pac gives him a handshake and hug. T walks out on his own - 'Pac follows displaying no discernible emotion of any kind, save mugging for the cameras...which is too bad, because I'm pretty sure there's some sort of story someone's trying to tell here...if only they'd let me in on it! Backstage, Paul Heyman is heading to the trainer's room. Tony Garea is exiting. "Hey, Tony - how's Trish doing?" "She's doing all right." "I'm really worried about her, is she still unconscious?" "No no, she's coming around, I think she's gonna be fine." "Oh man, that's good news, thank you very much." "Okay, Paul." "You look good!" "Thank you." "You been working out?" "Just a little, Paul, just a little..." He waits for him to leave. "Yeah, that's great." Paul opens the door - but meets the steely gaze of Bubba Ray Dudley - and backs up. "Now, look, Bubba, I know that look in your eye. And you have every right to be mad about what I did with Brock, okay? 'cause, you know we go back a real long way--" Bubba grabs him and they go to and fro - Paul manages to open every door before actually running into it, oh well. "I've been waiting for eight years to do this to you!" "Bubba--" "Shut the hell up, Pauly, you talk too damn much! I will rip your tongue out! Two things...first, stay the hellaway from Trish - don't even think about her! And secondly, as for your boy Brock, your meal ticket Brock, tell him I got his Next Big Thing right over here." Dudley shoves him so hard his hat falls off! Take a look at the Skyreach Centre! It's still daylight TOMMY DREAMER is in the ring when we get back. "I came here tonight to publicly clear up some misconceptions about me. First of all, I'm just a normal guy - and there is no difference between me and...hey!" He leaves the ring. "Hey, hi, what are you doin', eatin' a hot dog? You gonna finish that? Can I - can I have a bite, man--" Of course, he knocks it to the ground. "Oh, bro, I'm so sorry. Bro, hang on, one second." He hops the rail, stepping on it. "Whoa, slipped. Bro, I dropped all your hot dogs, bro, I am so sorry...here you go." Dreamer makes sure to smoosh it around on the floor before handing it over - he balks, so Tommy takes a bite. "It's pretty good! You want some? He wants some?" He finds a taker. "Eat some - all right!" Back in the ring. "You see? I'm just your average guy - I am normal and there's nothing wrong with me..." BONG. Here comes THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER to offer Dreamer his cup of tebacky juice - oh, wait, I'm anticipating again. Here comes the Awesome Undertaker, belt around his waist, and a tobacco spit cup in his hand. They've added a new guitar part on top of his new music - it still ain't that great, folks. Dreamer, meanwhile, is still cleaning off his goatee - Taker just shakes his head. "So you're just a normal, average guy." "Pretty much..." "Well, Mr. Normal Average Guy, I am the WWE Undisputed Champion! And you're now on my time. So! If I may make a suggestion to you...I suggest you hit the bricks before I kick your ass." "I was just out here trying to tell the people what..." "What part of 'you're on my time' did you not understand? Even Hulk Hogan...who I retired..." "What?" "...didn't take up my time. Last Monday night on RAW, RVD - who I beat without any trouble at all - did not take up any of my time. So tell me, Tommy Dreamer...what makes some sideshow circus freak think he can stand in the middle of my yard and take up my time? In other words, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" YEAH! "Fine, bro, fine." Dreamer leaves...no. "Whoa whoa whoa - Dreamer, Dreamer, Dreamer, Dreamer. I tell you what. Since you're already out here - I'm here - whaddaya say? How would you like a shot at the title?" "I would love a shot at your title." "You'd like a shot?" "Yeah, me and you." "Yeah I bet you would - but you're not gonna get one!" "You just said I could have one..." "You know why, because you're not worthy. Now before you get a long, sad face...lemme just tell ya. There's a dressing room full of wrestler back there, and they're not worthy either." "Have you seen who's back there?" "Yeah, I know everybody back there - and there ain't a person in that dressing room...that poses a challenge to me. But because I am a nice guy, and you LOVE to entertain the people, right?" "I do." "And you like to entertain the people by doing digusting things." "I don't think they're disgusting, but okay." "Well I got one for ya." There he goes to grab the cup...and spits in it for good measure as well as to emphasize the plot point. "Now I want you to entertain me - and these people - so...you're gonna drink my tobacco spit." "I can't do that, I really, I can't do that." "Nononono - I think you misunderstood what I was sayin'. I'm not ASKIN' you - I'm telling you." "But that's really really gross, man - that's gross." "Okay, let me put it another way. Maybe this you'll understand. Either you drink this spit - or you'll be takin' the rest of your meals, for the rest of your life, through a tube." Taker proffers the glass. Dreamer takes it. "Whoa whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa." "Thanks - thanks, I knew you were only kidding man, that's cool." "That might have been just a little stiff - here, lemme help you out, give it just a little more flavour." He spits his chaw in there, too. "Now - DRINK IT." Dreamer smells it - he don't like it. He tries - then goes ahead and does it. Taker is duly grossed out. This is entertaining? "That was pretty good, what is this, man, thanks, bro!" So Taker gives him a soupbone. Soupbone! Soupbone left soupbone! Into the opposite corner and Dreamer hits hard. We're all praying her ralfs, but thankfully, he does not. Into the ropes, Taker with a swinging chokeslam! Taker puts him over the top and outside...and follows. Grabs a chair...and it looks like we're gonna get the decapitation - no, check that, it's a back elbow for Dreamer - now Taker puts Dreamer's head between the back of the chair and the seat...then runs him into the ringpost neck first! All this and *still* we get a "Taker" chant. Ross: "How people can cheer the Undertaker is beyond me." "Now, my friend - THAT'S disgusting." Play his music! Wow, they're really *making* Taker with brilliant segments like this, aren't they? Here are your replays - such as they are. To the locker room, we go, where Heyman peps up Lesnar with a talk. "I know Bubba Ray Dudley better than anybody on the face of the planet knows Bubba Ray Dudley, and trust me when I tell you this: when Bubba Ray Dudley jacked me up against that wall, he wasn't envisioning Paul Heyman - he was envisioning Brock Lesnar. When Bubba Ray Dudley grabbed me by my jacket and threw me down that hallway, he wasn't envisioning Paul Heyman - he was envisioning Brock Lesnar. See, in Bubba Ray Dudley's mind, Brock, he pulled your punk card - he punked you out, and do you know why, Brock? Because Bubba Ray Dudley doesn't think you're man enough to do a damn thing about it. Are you gonna let Bubba Ray Dudley do that to the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar? Are you gonna let Bubba Ray Dudley manhandle you in the ring right now?" "No." He walks off - Paul makes a face. Tough Enough 2 finale ad The WWE Burn of the Week is brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Brock Lesnar interrupts Bubba getting the table to give him the Move with No Name BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds - with RAW Credits) referee: CHARLES ROBINSON They stand toe to toe, but not for long - Lesnar shoves Dudley away and we're on. Lockup, Dudley shoved into the ropes, he pops off with a right hand...(here are the TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) and I don't think Lesnar liked that much. Kick by Lesnar, right, right, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, into the opposite corner and Dudley goes down. Lesnar with a stomp. Shoulder, shoulder, choke in the corner for 4. Dudley tries to fire back - right, left, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, but Lesnar hooks them and goes outside. Snickers Cruncher Replay of the first blow from Dudley - and Lesnar's facial expression following it. Heyman and Lesnar discussing strategery, but Dudley is out after him, cutting it short - right, Lesnar ready with a right, Dudley right, Lesnar right, Lesnar knee, Dudley reverses the whip into the STEEL steps. Lesnar put into the ring and Dudley follows. Right hand. Open-handed slap. "We want tables!" Into the ropes is reversed, duck by Dudley, left, left, left, flip flop and elbow...gutshot, swinging into a neckbreaker - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes is reversed by Lesnar, but Dudley ducks under the swing, hooks the arm and slips on the full nelson - Lesnar breaks that up with no problems, whips his head back with a headbutt, forearm in the back puts him on the mat, three forearms in the back, snap suplex, nudges him with his boot, into the corner, and grabbing a bearhug as Dudley comes out. Dudley with back elbows, trying to fight out - but Lesnar only clamps it on harder after taking him off his feet. Crowd comes alive for Dudley as the arm falls once, arm falls twice - no, he's back, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, got out, off the ropes - caught in a belly-to-belly suplex! 1, 2, Dudley kicks out! Lesnar puts him in the ropes again, head down, kick by Dudley, around to grab a waistlock - German suplex!! Both men are down and Robinson puts on the count. Both men up after 5 - Dudley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, chop, open-handed slap, into the ropes, BIG flapjack, clothesline, into the ropes, huge sidewalk slam - 1, 2, NO! Dudley stays on him - into the corner, Lesnar swings and misses, Dudley hooks the arm, puts on the full nelson and DOES hit the Bubbabomb - this is a move that Heyman fears, because as soon as he sees it, he's up on the apron to draw over Robinson. Leg is hooked...but no ref. Dudley decides to give chase to Heyman - they end up in the ring - Dudley steps aside as Lesnar charges in - and he collides with Heyman! Dudley in with a German suplex - 1, 2, NO!!! Lesnar into the ropes, whip is reversed, Heyman grabs Dudley's ankles, which apparently distracts him just enough for Lesnar to secure the Move with No Name on Dudley and get the 1, 2, 3. (5:51) Ross makes a big deal out of the fact that Lesnar has yet to be pinned or made to submit in the WWE. TONIGHT: Eddie Guerrero vs. Rob van Dam - intercontinental title - ladder match - Ross quotes Saddam Hussein - stick around! WWE Confidential ad - Shawn Michaels Part II Coach is bored! But wait...maybe that's...no, it's only Raven. He decides to ask him if he knows anything about Debra's family problems and how they've kept Austin from arriving. "It wasn't Debra's family that had the emergency - it was Stone Cold Steve Austin's - in fact, it was Austin himself. Austin can conceal his pain no longer, because from my vantage point, no matter how cleverly he may sneak upon a mirror, his reflection is always right there to stare back at him. And do you know what he sees? He sees a troubled, tortured, tormented soul. I wish I could help him, Coach. But this is his destiny...and I feel his pain. Quote the Raven...nevermore." Of course, nobody mentions him quitting on Heat last night - GOOD OL' JR instead opts to mention that he's sitting in front of a "No Smoking" sign. "How i--how prophetic." THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) v. BRADSHAW (Sweetwater, Tejas - 292 pounds) referee: JACK DOAN Bradshaw ducks the first swing, off the ropes and clips him. Elbowdrop to the knee, kick to the back of the leg, kick, forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, chop, whip - nope, Show pulls him into a short clothesline instead. Well it's the big headbutt. Well it's the big headbutt again. Kick in the corner, kick, kick, open-handed slap, right, right, right, big hiptoss across the ring, clothesline. Well it's the big headbutt. Kick, kick, kick, elbow to the back of the head, headbutt AGAIN and Bradshaw goes down. Scoop...and a slam. Quick elbowdrop. Headbutt. Into the opposite corner, Bradshaw actually manages to put up the boot to stop him. Show in one more time - and eats the boot one more time. Bradshaw right, Show right, Bradshaw, Show, Bradshaw, Bradshaw, Bradshaw, off the ropes with a big bott, off the ropes with the lariat - Show leans back against the ropes but doesn't leave his feet - Bradshaw with another big boot but Show is gone and Bradshaw ends up straddling the rope....here it is: ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - 1, 2, 3. LISTEN TO THIS CROWD! (2:01) Tough Enough 2 soundtrack CD ad Here are some more WWE live events! Sunday, New Orleans! Next week, RAW is Dallas! Then Friday, Lexington; Saturday, Knoxville; Sunda, Columbus! In the NWO locker room, X-Pac is ebullient. "Two for tizzoo, man! NWO, man, is back! Hey - you see the Show, man, what he did to Bradshaw? Hey, nobody--" "That's what I'm talkin' about, man! Since the B Teezzee got with the NWO, man, it's been bizzy, that's what I'm talkin' about, even you, little ratty little sucka, got the job done!" "Why you callin' me a ratty little sucka, man? What's up with that?" "Well, done, well done...bravo." The voice you JUST read was that of Goldust's...walking in with NWO shirt and white face with KISS makeup, black wig and "NWO" on his cheek. 'Pacreax: "What the HELL do you think you're doin', man? You know what you're doin'? You know what you're doin' disrespecting them colours like that?" "I'm just trying to show you how much I want to join the NWO--" "What if I told Nash?" "Yo yo yo, man, yo, man, you ain't gotta go there, man, it ain't gotta be like that. He ain't doin' no harm, man - in fact, dressed like that...he look like some kinda freaky deaky Oreo cooky or somethin'! HA HA HA HA HA HA..." "Pssh - I'm glad you think it's funny. Glad you think you're funny too, man, 'cause I'm gonna go tell Kev what you're doin' to the black and white right now. Bel'e'e that!" T scoffs. "Stooge." Is he friends with Goldust again? Let's go to Times Square! Inside the World is AL SNOW, JACKIE, LINDA, KENNY and JAKE - where they have arm wrestling divvied up by sexes. Jake (after a bit) and Linda (easily) win - damn, Linda's arms are HUGE compared to Jackie's. Lawler can't tell the white chick from the black chick, and this may be the first time Ross ever corrects Lawler on something...anyway, two contracts will be awarded on Thursday - watch MTV! Terri stands with van Dam, who congratulates her on her hardcore title reign. Talk about the match. "Trepidation? Hey, from my experience, a ladder match is extremely dangerous...but for the intercontinental championship, it's worth it. I know Eddie Guerrero is a Latino Heat, but that's gonna burn him up, 'cause tonight, I'm gonna climb that ladder, and I'm gonna grab that title. Because when it comes to climbing the ladder of success, nobody but NOBODY gets as high as R - V - D." Coach FINALLY catches a glimpse of a black pickup...but, alas, it's only Howard Finkel, profusely sorry about his late arrival CRASH (already in the ring - Mobile, Alabama - 220 pounds) v. GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds - with OKC SmackDown! hype) referee: Patton Say, why DOES X-Pac need to "stooge it off?" I mean, isn't Nash *watching* THIS show? If not, SHOULDN'T he be? I mean, he's not exactly setting a good example for the viewing audience by not viewing the product...oops, this match is over already. (Curtain Call II -> pin 1:03) No sooner has Goldust put up his double Wolfpac sign once again than the picture turns black and white, the music hits and BIG & TALL lumbers to the ring, making sure to Diesel over the top rope. Goldust is content to back out underneath the bottom rope, leaving Crash to get whipped into the rope and take a big boot. Nash brushes back his hair and holds the Wolfpac sign high as they hit the music. From the ramp, Goldust runs through his array of NWO hand gestures, telling Nash he feels him - I guess. No clues from Nash. In his office, Flair cuts short his phone call (to ME) when he's visited by Guerrero, who calls him "patrone." "You know this match, the ladder match...could be dangerous, you know? I could get hurt. (something in Spanish)" "You're not worried about getting hurt, you're Eddie Guerrero!" "No, no, I'm not worried about, I'm not worried... You heard anything about Austin?" "I told ya, I got the Austin thing covered, if he's stupid enough to get involved or interfere, I got the welcoming committee in place." "Orale." He walks off. "Good luck, champ." Guerrero does a doubletake...but keeps walking... Meanwhile, Rob van Dam is also WALKING! Ross: "Austin Austin Austin" Velocity ad - featuring all the guys you can't see on this show The WWE Rewind is brought to you thanks to Snickers Cruncher! From Judgment Day, Eddie Guerrero uses the ropes to pin Rob van Dam and retain WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (champion - El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds - with King of the Ring is brought to you by Snickers Cruncher!) v. ROB VAN DAM (challenger - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) in a ladder match referee: EARL HEBNER Guerrero shows some...anxiousness... at the sight of the ladder. Guerrero surrenders the title for Hebner, who places it around the loop which is raised high above the ring. HERE WE GO: Both men look up at the belt...at the ladder...at the belt. Guerrero exercises his jaw muscles: "You want MY championship, you gotta come and take it from ME." Elbow by van Dam, right by Guerrero, elbow by van Dam, right by Guerrero, elbow by van Dam, right by Guerrero, elbow by van Dam is cut short by a knee from Guerrero, right, into the ropes, reversal, back to back over the top, rolls under van Dam's kick, Guerrero grabs a waistlock, standing switch by van Dam, back elbow out by Guerrero, back elbow out, off the ropes but into a Viscera kick from van Dam! Guerrero rolls outside. van Dam wastes no time heading to the ropes - up and over with a pescado but Guerrero sidesteps and throws a right on his way down. Whip - is reversed, and Guerrero collides with the ringpost! van Dam right hand, head to the apron, suplex - make it a hangup on the barricade - forearm in the back - van Dam to the apron, points to himself, then drops the leg on Guerrero's back! That hurt both men. van Dam is up first - stomp - right, right...whip is reversed, and van Dam runs RIGHT into the ladder! Guerrero takes charge - stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, front facelock...suplex on the floor! Guerrero beats up the ladder a bit, then throws it onto van Dam. Guerrero folds up the ladder, tries putting van Dam between the legs and closing it on him - this doesn't work too well, so he tosses the ladder aside and puts van Dam back in the ring. van Dam sneaks in a shot but it's Guerrero in control - right, right - right - right in the corner - into the ropes, big back elbow snaps him to the mat. Guerrero encourages booing. Elbow to the back of the head - elbow - Snickers Cruncher replay of the earlier elbow off the ropes. "Eddie sucks" chant starting up. Elbow to the back of the head - there were about six there, actually. Guerrero outside, pulling him by the legs across the mat, then wrapping it around the ringpost. Guerrero borrows a chair from the ringside area, wraps van Dam's leg around the ringpost a second time, then collects the chair and CRACKS van Dam's leg! He can't climb a ladder on one leg, I suppose...Guerrero back in with a stomp. Stomp. van Dam starts a limp - gutshot has no effect - right by Guerrero, right. Grabs him by the leg and SPIKES him with...almost a teardrop brainbuster more than a side suplex. Head to the buckle by Guerrero. van Dam fires back, right by Guerrero, right by van Dam, right by Guerrero, right, right, right, right. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed - van Dam drops down to deliver the monkey flip, but with one bad leg, Guerrero just doesn't spring as high as normal. Gutshot by van Dam is met with a thumb in the eye by Guerrero - right hand - POWERBOMB - and van Dam's down again. Guerrero goes back outside and goes underneath the ring for a second ladder. Guerrero takes a bit too long carrying the ladder to ringside - van Dam winds up and dropkicks, actually landing *above* the ladder with his feet but Guerrero still whips back to the barricade, getting sandwiched by the ladder. van Dam quickly springs to the apron and off with a moonsault - but lands on the ladder when Guerrero uses it as a shield! At this point, CHRIS BENOIT is seen coming down through the crowd...Security stops him, but Benoit brandishes a ticket. How'd he get THAT? Maybe we'll find out...after this ad break! Lita shills Stacker 2 - again When we come back, Guerrero has the ladder and runs it RIGHT into van Dam's head! Benoit appears to have a damn fine seat, as well. Snickers Cruncher replays show a much better angle of van Dam's moonsault into the ladder - and a replay of van Dam eating the ladder we'd just seen. Guerrero has the ladder underneath the title belt...up six steps but van Dam quickly heads to the corner, up to the top rope - and off with a kick to the ladder, sending Guerrero sprawling to the mat! Snickers Cruncher Replay, natch. van Dam may have finally turned the momentum back his way - stomps his head, kick, kick (hmm, the limp is gone) - elbow, elbow, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, placed on the ladder and van Dam comes off the ropes with a tumbling run backflip press onto the ladder! Snickers Cruncher Replay from the belt cam of Guerrero's spill off the ladder. van Dam adds a slide dropkick, then set up the ladder for HIS try at the belt. Guerrero climbs the opposite set of steps - right, right by van Dam, right by Guerrero, right, right by van Dam, right, right, Guerrero grabs his head and rams it into the top step - five times...then..HOLY SHIT, he flipped OVER the ladder and took van Dam down in a super sunset flip! I'm amazed he didn't break his ankle sticking that landing, too. Give THAT a Snickers Cruncher Replay. Guerrero climbs the ladder...but SOME FAT UGLY IDIOT CANADIAN IN A HOCKEY JERSEY hits the ring and shoves the ladder over - Guerrero saw it in time and leapt off, landing on his feet - Hebner hits the ring and grabs him from behind, taking him down with a little help from a genuine right hand from Guerrero - Security swarms and takes him out of the ring as the fans cheer louder than they have for this match...which says a lot about them. Guerrero with a right, right....and a clothesline to put him back on his back. *Again* Guerrero sets up the ladder - but this time it appears he's more interested in landing something on van Dam than grabbing the title belt...Guerrero up and over with a SENTONBOMB!! Snickers Cruncher with another angle of Guerrero doing a handstand on top of the ladder, then coming off with the swandive senton. Guerrero goes out again for the chair - back in - chairs van Dam's back, and chairs the leg he'd been attacking all match. Guerrero puts the chair in the corner and tries to ram van Dam's head into the chair - but van Dam BLOCKS, then puts EDDIE'S head into the chair! Another head to the chair - kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...van Dam grabs the chair, gets a running start, then lands the dropkick to the chair to the head! Spinning legdrop - ladder on Guerrero, van Dam off with a split-legged moonsault to the ladder!!! Of course, that hurts van Dam just as much - both men are down - no, wait, van Dam is back up...and now the ladder is as well. Ross reminds us that this ain't SportsCentre, which means we're in a Canadian overrun for us 'murican viewers. van Dam, grabbing his leg, slowly climbs to the fifth step - Guerrero up from behind, pulling him back to the mat - van Dam lands on his feet, then collapses. Guerrero grabs him - snap suplex into the ladder. Guerrero grabs the ladder and puts it into the corner - got van Dam, right to the back of the head, right, right, right, to the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, but the whip is reversed and it's GUERRERO hitting the ladder! van Dam with a kick, knee, knee, into the corner, tubmling run...but Guerrero catches him and sits him on top. Right by Guerrero, right by van Dam, van Dam leaps off but misses - but DOES give Guerrero the monkey flip into the ladder! van Dam pulls Guerrero out and puts the ladder on top of him as we take another Snickers Cruncher Replay - van Dam stomps on the ladder, runs the ropes, and hits Rolling Thunder on the ladder! Both men are down once again, so let's take ANOTHER Snickers Cruncher replay. Right by van Dam, superkick, superkick, Guerrero slumps in the corner and van Dam set up the ladder - but Guerrero *again* manages a dropkick to the shin. Guerrero grabs the chair...but van Dam dropkicks the chair into Guerrero's face! Benoit applauds the fine technical manoeuvres. van Dam puts the ladder in the corner and climbs up to the very top - he wants the Fivestar...but he can't keep his balance and crashes back to the mat when the ladder topples!! Guerrero crawls to the corner and climbs up - HE wants the frog splash, but van Dam makes it over to the corner in time...righ thand, right, overhead kick that takes Guerrero off the top rope and facefirst into the barricade on the floor! van Dam sees his shot and takes it - ladder under the belt - climbing up to the penultimate step - reaching - pulling himself up by the belt for support - trying to undo it - and undoing it! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new intercontinental champion - and the mythical twenty minute mark has been broken on RAW! (20:29) van Dam celebrates on the second rope - but his back is turned to a dangerous man - Guerrero rams the ladder into van Dam's ribs, sending him crashing to the floor! Guerrero catches his breath - but before he can follow up, the breaking of glass means it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, running to the ring - Guerrero almost makes it out of the ring, but no - Austin with a kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, drops down and gets six rights before RIC FLAIR & ARN ANDERSON rush the ring - Austin turns to THEM - right for Flair, right for Anderson, right for Guerrero, right for Flair, right for Anderson, right for Guerrero, stomp, stomp, blocks a right from Flair, into the ropes, big back body drop, right for Anderson, kick, stomp and he rolls out - Benoit hops the rail, removes his shirt and stands next to Austin...well, you know what's coming since Security hasn't stopped him. Benoit puts a forearm in Austin's back. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, drops down, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, finally lets up - scoop - and a slam - and Guerrero provides the exclamation point with the frog splash. Flair and Anderson chuckle from the ramp while Guerrero and Benoit give Austin their two cents. Arms raised and there's an embrace - RAW Zone credits are up and we're gone. AFTER THE FACT: El Guapo adds: Hey CRZ, Just got home from the Raw show here in Edmonton and thought I'd update on what happened after the cameras stopped rolling. After the Austin beatdown, Eddy and Benoit sloooooowly left the arena area, making us think that Austin would get back up and stun them...but no dice. Austin slowly revived as RVD walked around aimlessly, selling all the injuries. Austin's music started playing and out came the beer with the usual routine. He invited RVD into the ring for a Molson Canadian and then...you guessed it...but not quite. Austin went for the stunner but missed it by about 3 feet (he didn't grab RVD's neck, he just jumped past him) but RVD semi-sold it anyway. Well, after this, neither Austin, nor RVD, nor Earl Hebner could stop themselves from laughing their asses off as Austin grabbed RVD and set it up again. I was close enough to see him say "take 2" (or at least something close to that as he held up 2 fingers in his face) and did the stunner. More beers, a slow exit, then he tossed another beer to RVD. Austin then left, leaving RVD to a great ovation for several minutes. Then a slow exit and that was all. Other notes: Thanks! I know I should be partial to the tribute signs, but I still think my favourite was the light bulb and "Watt?" sign. Hey, I hope you weren't too late to catch the Heat taping! I hear a rumour that I'll be back for SmackDown! Come back then and we'll see! 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