KINGS UPDATE: It can't be said enough...I sure hate the Lakers. (Lakers win series, 4-3) Also, while it's a shame that Doug Christie can't shoot with an injured tricep, it's even MORE of a shame that there was apparently NOBODY on the bench who could have COME IN FOR HIM ohhh I need to stop already - let's move on

TONIGHT: Oh my, Trish takes on Terri in a lingerie match! The winner gets lingerie! (Probably not.) Also, a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT from MAJOR KEVIN NASH - come back in fourteen!

T(O)N(I)G(HT): First of all, "Maques" is a great name. Also, this episode is ALL about the creepy "I stare at you" faces that Maques makes. ALSO, for a Majel Barrett episode, "Dark Page" surprisingly does not suck...even allowing that the "invent a sibling after eons have passed" technique is one of the true signs of a writer who should have gone into a different profession...which segues nicely into our show, ah ah ah

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

In Flair's Room of Fun, Flair addresses Guerrero, Benoit and Anderson: "As far as tonight goes, guys, I got a few things I have to address the public with. Arn, if Austin shows up, you know what to do." "Tell 'em you're in the ring!" "Let's go, guys." Off they walk - and...we also see eleven (count 'em) security guards file into and out of the picture - as if they were clowns exiting a tiny car

Opening Credits WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

JALOPYRO! - Coming to you LIVE from the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, TX 3.6.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on The New TNN and the crappy old TSN - what a show we claim to have for you tonight!

TONIGHT: Trish - Terri - Lingerie!

TONIGHT: Nash - brushes back his hair!

Here comes RIC FLAIR, EDDIE GUERRERO, CHRIS BENOIT, A SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, ANOTHER SECURITY GUY, and ANOTHER SECURITY GUY to the ring - well, the first three are *in* the ring, the other eleven surround it. "I love it when a plan comes together! And last week on RAW, my welcoming committee grounded Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - go read the RAW report

Flair hands the mic to Benoit. "You know, last week...I made a very special appearance on RAW - just to see Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know, the only reason I'm not able to wrestle tonight - is because of Stone Cold Steve Austin. You know (3), just over a year ago at King of the Ring, I was about to achieve my ultimate goal - winning the WWE title! And Austin...you took that away from me - YOU took that away from me! You know (4) I've had a whole year, sitting at home with nothing but time and patience - well I've run out of time, and I sure as hell have run out of patience! Austin, last week was the beginning of a very long and painful PAYBACK." To Eddie: "Orale Austin! Last Monday night, (Spanish) I had my intercontinental title STOLEN from me, ese! And it made me feel less of a man! I felt like I was losing my latinoism. But after I frog splashed you, ese - ha - I felt that warm blood was pumpin' in my body - I felt that fire RUNNIN' through my veins - I felt my Latino Heeeeeeeat!" And back to Flair: "You are so cool. Now how 'bout Stone Cold? I guess Stone Cold would like to wrestle tonight? I'm sure Stone Cold would like to wrestle right here in his home state of Texas. Sorry. Stone Cold can't wrestle because he's benched. He's - benched. And Austin, if you have a problem with that, you can talk to my main man, the Enforcer Double A, he'll show ya how to get out here to the ring, and I'll tell ya to your face." We look to the Etron, where Anderson's lifeless body is being moved about marionette style by Austin. Austin provides the words: "What'd you say Ric? You want me to say something to Stone Cold Steve Austin? What? You want me to give a message to Stone Cold Steve Austin? Well that's gonna be kinda hard to do because he just whipped my ass! Huh? Oh hell yeah!" Austin throws him down and gives him a stomp. "You don't like puppet shows, Ric Flair? Huh? Well let me tell you what you just missed - you just missed Stone Cold Steve Austin beatin' the living hell outta your little Enforcer! I'm gonna make it real simple, I'll tell ya what Stone Cold Steve Austin's gonna do tonight. Ever since you benched Stone Cold after Judgment Day, when you took me out of the ring - I don't like it - it don't set too well with me - it don't work - quite frankly - very honestly - flat out - it SUCKS! So what I'm gonna do tonight, is I'm gonna look at you right now, and you're gonna give me Benoit - or you're gonna give me Guerrero - I don't really give a rat's ass which one, but you're gonna give me somebody - or I'm gonna do to you what I just did to your little friend - what do you think about that?" Flair waits a (too) long time. "Austin...Austin! You're not gonna bully! me into anything! I'm not making any decisions 'cause o' you! I'll make the decisions I want - besides that, Eddie Guerrero's already in a match tonight! And Chris Benoit, as magnificent as he looks, is not medically cleared yet. Besides that, Chris is still property of SmackDown!" "So that's the way it's gonna be - it's that simple - I'm just gonna listen to everything you say because you're Ric Flair? You think you're God? You think you're better than me? Since you DO think you're better than me, if you're not gonna give me Benoit, and you're not gonna give me Guerrero, you talk about bein' the man - since you're supposed to be the man, why don't tonight - we make it Ric Flair - versus Stone Cold - right here - in Texas? Listen to me - if I win the match, it means Stone Cold Steve Austin is off the bench competin' fulltime. If I lose, I'm back on the bench. What do you got to say about that?" Umm, Austin's ALREADY on the bench...what exactly is in it for Flair here? "Say SOMETHIN'." "YOU wanna wrestle ME? You wanna wrestle the sixteen-time World Champion? Okay. Okay. You can wrestle The Man...under one condition: it's gonna be an old-time wrestlin' match. It's not gonna be some Stone Cold Steve Austin saloon bar fight - we're gonna be right here in Dallas, we're gon' wrestle!" Another loooooong pause. "And if I beat you by a three count, if I make you submit, or if you get disqualified, you're on the bench for the rest o' your LIFE! And Austin, lemme tell ya one thing right now - you think about this hard - you ain't no match, in the squared circle, in a wrestle match, for the Nature Boy." "Well since you call yourself the Nature Boy, that gives me a question I've always wanted to ask you. What exactly is a Nature Boy? Do you like Nature? Do you like Boys? No no, don't answer that - don't answer that at all." Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - thanks for showing up, Arn! "You know what, look at me, you can call yourself the Nature Boy all you want, but the truth of the matter is, Stone Cold Steve Austin has been drinkin' beer all day, and right now, nature, I'll be damned if nature ain't callin' right now." Camera pans down to Arn Anderson...and his white shirt is suddenly stained yellow from...I don't wanna know. Austin says "What?" while he presumably shakes it. Austin pans the camera back up to his face. "You know, Ric, you always say in order to be the man, you gotta beat the man? Well, I always say it's better to be pissed off than pissed on - and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so." ATTITUDE!

WWE HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BRADSHAW (already in the ring - challenger - Sweetwater, Tejas - 292 pounds) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (already in the ring - champion - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 220 pounds)
referee: JACQUELINE
This must be our "get all the Tejans out of the way" segment. Bell rings as soon as we're in there - knee by Bradshaw, right, right, clubbing forearm to the back - into the ropes is reversed, head down, forearm in the back by Bradshaw. Richards screams. Richards to the eyes, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Bradshaw. Bradshaw with the bull rope and cowbell - Bradshaw says "I gotta have more cowbell" and clocks him in the head with it. Pumphandle slam...then he hogties him. Crowd digs all this. Bradshaw outside as Richards has nowhere to go - lasso in the ring, saddle in the ring, giant pair of steer horns in the ring - no steer manure, sadly - but he took too long, as Richards is untied and he's got a trashcan lid - WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - into the ropes is reversed but Richards gets in another WHACK - lingerie match coming up, by the way. Boot to the head by Richards - WHACK - "go down! Go down!" Whip is reversed, Richards ducks the swing but unfortunately leaps into the COFS. SPIKE DUDLEY has referee "Blind" Jack Down in tow - tries to sneak in a pin - 1, 2, Bradshaw pulls him off - swing and a miss, right by Spike, right, right, climbs up top but Bradshaw shoves him off with a big boot - putting him all the way to the floor. Richards into the corner but Bradshaw's out - off the ropes with the Hades lariat - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (2:44) JUSTIN CREDIBLE is immediately out with Chad Patton - right, into the ropes is reversed, Bradshaw with a big boot to put *him* down. Bradshaw gives Credible a can to wear - punches the can, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - hook 'em horns! So he decides to leave. Play his music again! CRASH HASNOLASTNAME runs in with a can - HE gets a big boot - and Bradshaw hits him with his own trashcan. Bradshaw turns back and accuses Jacqueline of going for him - she gives him the hook 'em horns as if to say "no no, I'm a Texan too!" Bradshaw goes to pose to the crowd and nearly breaks his leg slipping on the STEEL steps, but gets the eventually. Jackie hands him the title belt and we're outta here.

In the NWO locker room, Booker bickers and X-Pac ...puckers. Anyway, Nash breaks up the verbal fracas. "Man, shut the hell up! Damn! I've got an announcement tonight, man, I'm not gonna do it right now. It affects all of us, each and every one of us, man. I've got an announcement to make, but I'm not gonna - you guys both got qualifying matches...King of the Ring. You've got to win those matches, that's what we're doing right this minute - later on...

Goldust interrupts at this point, entering the picture...not terribly in disguise. "Well Howdy there, NWO! I'm the Coach!" Yuks all around. "Big Kev - are these rumours true about that big announcement you gotta make tonight and (inhales) (low voice)Goooooooo - (switches back to fake voice) I mean, I mean, Goldust is gonna be in the NWO now?" "Hell, no, hell, no." X: "That's what I told him, man, he ain't NWO!" T: "Yo, big man, big man, wait a minute." "He ain't NWO material, no, no no!" "I think - I think if Goldy wanna be in the NWO, I think you should let him! He got a match with X-Pac, and I say if Goldust beat X-Pac, this ratty little sucka's out!" "Ratty - I'm sick of that 'ratty little sucka' stuff, man, uh uh!" Nash: "That works for me! Ha ha ha!" "KEV! No, man!" "I'll think about it, man, c'mon G-Money." "Why you gotta do that?!" T: "Be cool, dawg!" 'Pac sulks...

Wow, that was kind of a short segment if you think about it.

Catch the WWE in live action on the following upcoming stops! Tomorrow, Oklahoma City! Saturday, Albany! Sunday, Augusta! Monday, Florence! And Tuesday is Greenville!

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: X-PAC (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 225 pounds) v. GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds - with Atlanta RAW hype)
referee: NICK PATRICK
'Pac wears the Kane mask still. Here we go - feeling out process. "X-Pac sux" chant. 'dust with the Wolfpack sign - 'Pac goes to touch signs and then kicks him instead. Right, right, right, kick, into the ropes, reversed, atomic drop by Goldust - clotheslines him down. Stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Scoop...and there's a hot shot on the top rope. BACK RAKE! Boot to the ribs, 'Pac with a gutshot back - Goldust grabs every available facial orifice and it's a gouge - into the ropes, buttbutt, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, 'Pac ducks the swing and hits a heel kick - 1, 2, Goldust kicks out. Scoop...and a slam by 'Pac - off the ropes with a lightning legdrop - 'Pac pulls off Goldust's "Coach" goatee, elbow to the head, elbow - 'dust with a gutshot but it doesn't swing the momentum - in the corner, chop by 'Pac...and there's the kick trifecta. 'Pac poses to the crowd with a foot on the throat - goes into the gallop - and there's the...nobody home on the broncobuster! 'dust with an uppercut - now on the second rope for Five of a Ten Punch Count Along - big inhale - and a Rhodes-like elbow. Now GOLDUST goes into the gallop - and it's GOLDUST with a broncobuster that he's clearly enjoying! 'dust gives the high sign - I think he wants to do it again - oops, went to the well once too often - ends up taking a foot between the legs. Owch. 'Pac with a gutshot, X Factor, 1, 2, 3, whew. (3:27)

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week For A Clip Package On The Ladder Match

van Dam will have some backstage (which means pre-taped - that's a secret between you and me) comments to the Coach when we return!

Lita shills Stacker 2

As promised, (the real) JONATHAN COACHMAN stands backstage with Rob van Dam, the new intercontinental champion. "Yeah, Coach, I mean no doubt that ladder match was really rough - but, I'd go through it all again for this right here. The intercontinental championship means more to me than anything. You know, last week was the start of something really good, I can feel it - in fact, this is gonna be referred to as the summer of P - T - S." Before Coach can ask another question, here comes Brock Lesnar and, direct from the House of Sarcastic Clapping People, Paul Heyman. "Oh, oh my - bravo! What a virtuoso performance in the ladder match with Eddie Guerrero!" "Paul, congratulations, man, you lost some weight! What, are you on that Subway diet or something?" Brock attempts to advance but Paul holds him back. "Whoa whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa - easy, easy..." "I see you stuffin' your face with the sandwiches, it's really workin' for you!" "Nah, it's okay - Rob and I go way, way back and he can talk to me that way, Brock! Because Rob knows in his heart that I'm the one that *made* RVD - and ever since I dumped you like a hot potato, Rob, I've now brought to the world the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar, and I wanted you to meet Brock Lesnar face to face, tonight, Rob. Because tonight when Brock Lesnar teams with Eddie Guerrero against you and Bubba Ray Dudley - finally in your heart you're gonna know what it's like to ONLY be RVD...and come face to face with the Next - Big - Thing." They go eye to eye. "I'm looking forward to it!" And off goes Heyman and Lesnar.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy is WALKING! He finds Jeff playing his guitar. "Hey, man." "Hey man." "What are you doing?" "I'm just playing the guitar." "Where you been all day?" "Here, man - just hanging out. Let me ask you something, man. Did you ever think there would be more than - than this?" "What do you mean?" "Just us, here, man - live for the moment, remember that?" "Yeah." "Team Xtreme." "Yeah." "Remember that?" "Yeah." "I mean, man - we go somewhere, we wrestle - we go somewhere else, we wrestle. I mean - God - we don't live for the moment - we're not extreme...we're...hypocrites." "I'm not really following you, I mean, I don't - where are you goin' with this?" "Matt, what..." Long pause. He forks over the guitar. "...here. You'll see where I'm goin' with it."

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is ranting! He's flanked by Charles Robinson, the security...and a lawyer. "You get all that? Austin thinks he can humiliate me by embarrassing my best friend? I want more stipulations in that contract, more!" "But you said there was just one condition." "Yeah, one big condition - I want more stipulations! If Austin thinks he can take out my best friend, my assistant, Double A, then I'll tell you what - if I win this match tonight, Austin becomes my personal assistant. My personal assistant, anything I want, just like that! Wash my car - mow my lawn - clean my toilet - wear a dress - wear a dress right here on RAW, Austin has to do it all. You got all that? Good, 'cause we're not done yet. One more thing - I'm so tired of hearing about Austin being a brawler and how tough he is right here, all over the world, in the state of Texas - heh - it's a wrestling match tonight! He's facin' the greatest of all time, and if Austin throws one punch - one punch - he's disqualified and he becomes my personal assistant. Get all of that in writing, FAST..." Austin barges in. "You got the contract?" "I got the contract right there." "You want to hand the contract to me? Thank you." Lawyer: "Aren't you gonna read it first?" "are you stupid? If I win, I'm off the bench, right?" "Yeah." "That's all you need to tell me." So he signs it." "See that? That says Steve Austin. You gonna sign it?" "Yeah, I'm gonna sign it." So Flair does. "You happy with the little contract you drew up? You proud of yourself? Huh? You guys doin' a great job, ain'cha. What, you listenin' to the radio? Hmmm? Heh heh HEEEH! Look at me." "Give Mr. Austin a copy of that." "What the hell are you so happy about? Is something funny?" "You'll find out soon enough."

Trish Stratus is WALKING!

Kim reminds me that in these trying times, it's perhaps not the best idea to show an ad depicting a woman running away from her baby carriage, as it may be laden with bombular agents - herewith, this: my "truth" public service of the week

The WWE Rewind is brought to you by Snickers Cruncher! From last week, Trish keeps the Women's title - but falls to a brass knuckles punch from Molly post-match

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS (champion - Toronto, Ontario - with RAW is brought to you LIVE by Stacker 2, Xbox, and Slim Jim!) v. TERRI in a lingerie match
referee: CHAD PATTON
Trish opts for red while Terri chooses pink (including thong). That's actually more clothes up top than Terri normally wears, you know. Upskirt angle on the top rope crossbody from Terri and that's all I feel like mentioning out of this match....except "Champ retains." (bulldog -> pin 2:16) Post-match, MOLLY HOLLY runs out, rares back, *taps Trish on the shoulder*, rares back AGAIN and ends up punching the title belt when Stratus brings it up just in the nick of time (go figure!) - Stratus adds a belt shot for revenge, then pulls off her panties (revealing HER thong), then throws them in the vicinity of her face and walks off.

UP NEXT: "Bubba Dudley" & Rob van Dam vs. Brock Lesnar & Eddie Guerrero!

Confidential ad - a closeup look at the Tough Enough 2 decision - keep in mind it's all a work, except the bit about Spike Dudley actually having real parents...named Hyson

When we come back, Arn's taken a shower and found another shirt. Brief temper tantrum. He turns to Benoit, who is standing by. "--look like an animal to you? I sure feel like one. You know there's some things that one man doesn't do to another...Austin stepped over that line. After Flair beats him tonight and he will, he's gonna pay for this one. It's not a brawl, Austin, it's not a bar fight - it's gonna be what the sixteen-time world champion excels at and that's a wrestling match. And after he beats Austin, Flair has got a bunch of toilets in that house, Chris, that big house up on the hill - and I hope I'm there, I'm gonna be there...when he's cleanin' 'em, and when Austin's cleanin 'em I'm gonna glide up to one and use it right before, no no, not before - just as he's cleanin' it." "The irony of it all, Arn...is that Austin is about to flush his whole career down the toilet." "At least...oh God..."

BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) and EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds - with RAW Credits - and transmitido en espanol SAP - and TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds) and ROB VAN DAM (intercontinental champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
Coming up this hour, Flair and Austin, Nash's big announcement, and Undertaker takes on Tommy Dreamer! Guerrero starts with van Dam. But Guerrero clutches his back before they lock up, opting to go through the ropes and let Lesnar start. van Dam graciously steps aside for Bubba Ray in response. Lockup...but Guerrero gives Dudley a chop block dropkick while he's tied up - van Dam wants to help but Doan quickly moves to keep him in his corner - big doubleteam behind Doan's back - into the ropes, two heads down, kick for Lesnar by Dudley, clothesline for Guerrero...but runs into almost a Death Valley Driver from Lesnar. And now Guerrero goes to work - kick in the back, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, reversed, big sidewalk slam by Dudley, 1, 2, Guerrero kicks out. Guerrero to the eyes, drops down, single leg, drags him to the corner and tags to Lesnar. Lesnar stomp, stomp, bowled over into the corner, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, hard whip into the opposite corner and Dudley's back hits hard. Right. Into the corner and again Dudley goes down. Lesnar nudges him with his boot. Right hand. Into the ropes, but Dudley reverses into a gutshot - DDT! - 1, 2, no. Head to the corner, tag to van Dam, open-handed slap, van Dam kick, kick, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, reversed by Lesnar, head down, van Dam goes back to back over the top, kick in the face, off the ropes - but Lesnar catches the crossbody, backbreaker, holding on and there's an over-the-shoulder powerslam. Leg is hooked, 1, 2, van Dam kicks out. Handful of hair, tag to Guerrero - open shot. Elbow to the back of the head, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, all of them connecting because Guerrero is sure to hold van Dam in place with a left hand grabbing the hair. Into the ropes, back elbow. Guerrero in control despite the "RVD" chant. Gutshot by RVD - elbow to the head by Guerrero. Suplex. Death suplex - no, van Dam backflips - kick caught, van Dam with a stepover heel kick. Tag to Dudley! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, big back body drop! Left, left, left, left, flip flop and elbow - Lesnar in - Dudley ducks - whoa German suplex released! "Bubba! Get the table!" Bubba outside - Bubba gets the table - hey, he'll be disqualified for sure! Lesnar manages to come to, run around the outside of the ring - Dudley ducks the swing, backhands him with an elbow...but that was enough time for Guerrero, who dropkicks the table into Bubba Ray's face. Lesnar back over - right, right, asks Paul to give him a free kick so HE gives him one, then throws Dudley back in for Guerrero - kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right right right, gouging the eyes, wants a suplex but can't heft him over - knee, knee, knee, DOES get the suplex (!) and goes outside - back in with the slingshot senton, adding a neckbreaker since Dudley's head is up - wow. 1, 2, no. Tag to Lesnar. Dudley chop, right, left, Lesnar takes it all and calmly runs him into the corner after a knee and two rights - shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, threatens Doan, kick, kick, opposite corner whip, but Bubba ducks the next swing and manages a Bubbabomb! Both men are down! Two men await the tag - tag to van Dam! Tag to Guerrero! Elbow by van Dam, right by Guerrero, right by van Dam, right by Guerrero - back and forth we go - van Dam, Guerrero, van Dam with a spin kick! Clothesline by van Dam, right, into the ropes is reversed but Guerrero stops himself, then boosts a charging Guerrero into the turnbuckles! Big monkey flip! Guerrero ducks a clothesline - van Dam to the second ropes, faking Guerrero into hitting the deck - then connecting with a split-legged moonsault! Free shot for Lesnar on the apron - off the ropes, Rolling Thunder - 1, 2, Lesnar JUST saves!! This brings in Dudley - opposite corner brawling - Guerrero manages to turn it around on van Dam, then runs to Dudley with a sweet dropkick. Guerrero on the shoulders - no, it's Dudley with an electric chair drop! But Lesnar is back over to Dudley - BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD!! van Dam with a Viscera - Lesnar ducks it, then grabs van Dam and runs him RIGHT into the turnbuckles - ohhh van Dam's head BOUNCED off of that - I mean more than normal...that looked bad. Lesnar with a shoulder in the gut - opposite corner - van Dam out of Dodge...Dudley back on the apron, but Lesnar knocks him down again - van Dam connects with a spinning heel kick on Lesnar, putting him down - van Dam going up top to try for the Fivestar but HEYMAN climbs up and shoves him off - van Dam lands in a hot shot and bounces back into the centre. Lesnar applies the Move with No Name - Dudley back in again - spearing Lesnar and they're getting *bizzay* - meanwhile, lest *we* forget Guerrero is the legal man, it appears that at least Guerrero and Doan have not - Guerrero up top, frog splash finds the mark and that's an all-too-easy 1, 2, 3 for the FORMER champ on the CURRENT. (9:00)

Coach stands backstage with William Regal. Wow, Molly got her butt kicked, didn't she? "It's a bloody shame what that dirty, filthy scrubber did to Miss Holly - absolutely dreadful." Now, to his KOR Qualifier... "My thoughts? Who would best represent the WWE as their king? Which wrestler best represents royalty? I mean, my name - it even SAYS royalty, 'Regal' - and if I can't represent the WW--" T interrupts. "Regal! You're not royalty! What you tryin' to say, I can't be royalty? Well if anybody's gonna's be king, it's me!" "I think you're mistaken, sunshine. I don't think you could even *spell* 'king.'" "Oh you wanna play like that, huh? Yo I know another guy who couldn't spell 'king.' Yeah! My boy G! Yeah G.W. - George Washington! Yeah! He was too busy choppin' down cherry trees and kickin' YOUR king's ass in that Revolutionary War - now can u dig that?" "How charming. It seems as though BOoker T went to a history lesson one day. Well it's a shame he didn't go every bloody day, and he would have read his textbooks and found out that George Washington never even got his HANDS on King George! In fact, he never--" He's back. "...SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!"

TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Ric Flair! This is the "Flair the wrestler" graphic, by the way, because he's wearing a robe instead of his business atire here

That shore is a purty fountain outside the AmAirArena

Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY & JERRY - Lawler proudly models the softcover printing of "Can You Take the Heat?" featuring a bunch of recipes I've never tried - not even Steve Blackman's

Let Us Take You Back to Thursday where these Tough Enough 2 clips were filmed - the women won, but the REAL winners were........eh, make your own joke

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) v. WILLIAM REGAL (European champion - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds - with Greenville SmackDown! hype)
referee: Patrick
Wow, did anybody else notice they're turning T face by putting him in there with a heel? EVERYBODY noticed? Well....good! You're all learning well, ho ho. Lockup, after a fashion - T pushes him to the corner - Regal cowers underneath the ropes and Patrick forces a clean break. We go again: lockup, arm wringer by Regal, reversed by T, another turn, another turn - Regal rolls under, breaks the hold, drop toehold, up to a side headlock - T powers out but Regal lands the shoulderblock - 1, no - 1, no - 1, no. European forearm by Regal - T reverses to hit the back kick. Forearm, forearm, chop, chop, into the ropes, Regal ducks the kick but T lands the forearm smash - Regal goes outside. Regal pulls T out and rams his back into the apron. Regal tosses T into the ropes and lets him bounce back to the mat. Stomp. Back into the ring as Patrick gets to 4. Knee to the gut by Regal, off the ropes with a knee to the HEAD - 1, 2, no. European uppercut - another - two knees to the head. But T comes back - knee, right, right, right, into the ropes, side kick, Euro elbow, Euro elbow, chop, into the ropes, reversed, T ducks the left, doubles him over with a gutshot, axe kick off the ropes, 1, 2, no. T wants the Harlem sidekick - but Regal ducks and T straddles the ropes. Regal outside - puts his belt in, also wants a chair - Patrick stops him from bringing the chair in - and while he puts it away, T grabs the belt and clocks Regal with it - Patrick turns back, sees T hooking the leg, and counts 1, 2, 3. T advances. (2:26) "Kill that music! Listen up - I came here to give the people what they came to see - now hit - my - music!" But they just WERE...oh well. T does his post-match dance routine and I wonder if he'll face X-Pac in the further reaches of this tourney....here's a replay of the shenanigans.

Coach is everywhere tonight - he's caught up with Tommy Dreamer. Is he okay? "No, not really, man. Ever since I found out that I've had a match with the Undertaker tonight, I really haven't been able to keep anything down that I've eaten today." Dreamer displays his pail of vomit. Coach invites Dreamer to watch...

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Undertaker helped Test defeat Triple H - then had some more fun with him, including a lot of STEEL chair work. I believe Michael Cole may have said "damn" THREE HUNDRED TIMES in this set of clips

Dreamer retches in reaction. Attitude!

And now, the WWE Burn of the Night, brought to you by Stacker 2! From Last Week, Dreamer makes US retch with a tebacky spit gulp - and gets a chair collar for his troubles

THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Undisputed champion - Houston, Tejas - 328 pounds) v. TOMMY DREAMER (Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds - with puke pail) in a nontitle match
referee: Patton
The pail has... noticably filled since we saw it last. "You are there" shot of the bucket. "I am gone" shot of me changing channels. Prior to locking up, Dreamer goes outside, grabs two handfuls of...uh huh...and....uh huh. Taker turns his back, grossed out of his mind - Dreamer strikes, with a clothesline to the back, right, right, right, right, right, opposite corner whip is reversed, but Dreamer gets the back elbow up - off the ropes, ducks, Dreamer with a clothseline, clotheslines Taker over the top to the floor - on the apron - runs...but caught in a powerslam. Dreamer finally spits out what he'd kept in his mouth all this time. Back in the ring as Patton hits 8. Head to the buckle, back elbow, right, right, kick, warning Patton to stop telling him what to do - Dreamer stood up - Taker winds up - charging in and landing hard. Choke - chokeslam - but he isn't done. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a big elbowdrop, 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP!! Taker grinds the forearm into his face. Taker Care of Business applied - NOW Ross calls it a Dragon Sleeper, oh well. Dreamer taps. (3:00) Ross: "Dreamer never tapped out in eight years of ECW, but he's tapped out here tonight to The Undertaker!" Taker goes outside, surveys the damage, rips up an "IS TAKER PREGNANT" sign and grabs the bucket. Say, remember when Henry Godwinn used to take the slop bucket and...Taker lunges at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA but it's only a fake. Spare us all, but Taker empties the bucket on Dreamer. And now JEFF HARDY has appeared - dropkick through the ropes and Taker lands on Dreamer. Hardy slips out and runs back up the ramp. Taker wouldn't know who it was if not for the Hardyz theme playing - oh, and Taker waiting at the top of the ramp to make sure Taker sees who'd done what they'd done just did. Here's a replay of the whole sordid affair, and may God have mercy on your soul. Now perhaps I'm just too old and no longer a member of those choice demographics that are prized by the people putting on this show, but....well... really, I could have done without practically all of this.

More live events listed here! Friday, Lexington! Saturday, Knoxville! Sunday, Columbus! Next week, RAW is Atlanta!

Matt Hardy is on his cel phone (not with me, sorry) when Taker pays him a visit. "Hey man! Where's that punkass little brother of yours?" "He's gone, man. He's outta here." "Well you should give him a message from me." "Sure, I'll give him whatever--" And Taker boots him in the head, then pushes him through the partition (only a heroic effort by the cameraman prevents us from seeing what's in that other room) - several soupbones - and OH NO NOT THE KLANGY POLES yep there they are

Here comes BIG & TALL with his big (and tall) announcement. I should mention that The Nash appears to be using "Steve Corino" shade this week. "You know a lotta times in this business...the deliver of a hype situation never really lives up to the billing. I promised everyone tonight...that I would deliver...something that would rock the WWE's foundation. There's a new member...to the NWO! Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce THE NEW MEMBER TO THE NWO!" Some familiar music fires up - it's MR. WHYSPYR. WOW! They got ANOTHER guy who can't wrestle for this group! WOW! They even found the old Shawn Michaels pyro to place on stage for his double bicep. Michaels, clad in black jeans and boots, natty beret and - of course - NWO shirt - hits one corner - two - he and Nash do the secret handshake, then Nash puts up his hand for the high five. Big hug. You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that Shawn isn't gonna get to work with a live mic tonight. There's the Dudes with Attitudes pose! Are you on the phone, calling your friends and neighbours and telling them to turn on the RAW Zone because Shawn Michaels is on TV and in the NWO? Are you? ARE YOU? The WWE sure hopes you are!

UP NEXT: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Ric Flair in "straight up wrestling!"

This month's Fanatic Series presentation is "WWE's Funniest Moments!" It starts Wednesday!

Lita shills Stacker 2 - again

In the local slot, attorney Patrick McMahon proves once again that cable ad money *can* be wisely spent - I always get a chuckle out of seeing the "McMahon Building & Law Offices," myself

Time now for our Pointless Debra Segment of the Night! She's chuckling over a clipboard as Austin laces up. "What is so damn funny? You think it's funny because I can't throw a punch?" "No!" "You think it's funny that if I lose I have to become Ric Flair's personal assistant?" "No, honey--" "I gotta wash his cars, mow his grass--" "No!" "--wash them stupid robes he wears?" "No, actually I'm laughing because of the way this contract is written." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I tell you what, that attorney must have really been in a hurry because the way this contract is worded, it says the LOSER of the match has to become the WINNER'S assistant - that means that if you win the match, Ric Flair has to become YOUR assistant." "I don't need any assistant, what I need is to get off the bench and get a shot at Benoit and Guerr--" the light bulb goes off. "Let me see that." "Yeah, that's the way the attorney has it worded." "He gotta do whatever I say?" Austin cracks a smile - but quickly turns serious before walking off, leaving Debra to wax profound: "Hehehehe - love it."

RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds - with Snickers Cruncher presents King of the Ring!) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (Victoria, Tejas - 252 pounds) with closed fist punches causing immediate disqualification
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON

Flair dares Austin to punch him during the feeling out process. Lockup, side headlock by Flair, chain wrestling to a hammerlock, Austin counters with a hammerlock of his own, Flair drops down with a drop toehold, floats into a headlock, Austin back to the hammerlock, to their feet, arm wringer by Austin, Flair balls up his fist and Austin points to his chin. Flair doesn't go for it - Austin gives Flair's arm another twist. Flair puts Austin into the ropes, Austin with a shoulderblock to take him down. Austin mounts Flair - rares back - but Robinson reminds him about what'll happen if he punches him. Everybody back up. "Woooo!" Austin lets him know he's number one. We go again - lockup, side headlock by Flair, Austin powers out, Flair with the shoulderblock. Up and over - Austin with a drop toehold - Austin grabs the right leg and locks in a half crab. Austin shakes his head when Robinson asks if he gives up - Flair backs him up and manages to grab the bottom rope. In the corner, Austin with a chop, chop, chop, chop, teases a punch but goes back to the chop. Flair begs off but manages a kick in the gut. Flair with a chop - Austin chops back - Austin chop, chop, into the ropes, big back body drop, hooks the leg - 1, 2, Flair kicks out. Flair puts a thumb in the eye to stop the momentum. Flair takes over - gutshot, chop, into the ropes is reversed - Austin press - Austin almost punches him AGAIN but stops himself, opting for a double-handed choke instead. Breaks at 4 - Flair manages to get the legs over the shoulders as he lets up and press him - 1, 2, no. Austin back up - chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, climbs to the second rope - Zero Punch Count Along...stopped too long - Flair walks him to the centre but forgets to put a move on him, so Austin lands on his feet and throws a lariat to take Flair down - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Here comes CHRIS BENOIT - Robinson immediately leaves the ring to get him from nearing the ring - too bad, Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner off the ropes but there's nobody to make a count. Austin watches all this, not catching that behind his back and through the crowd, EDDIE GUERRERO hits the ring, knocks Austin down from behind, lands a frog splash and takes off - man, I hope Robinson isn't watching that giant screen in front of him! I guess not - Robinson sees two men down in the ring when he goes back in - after Benoit is good enough to leave, mind - and puts on the mandatory ten count. At four, Flair is up and Ross says we've got one ad break to go. Stick around!

Okay, listen. If *I* were Flair, what I would have as the Plan Z (in case EVERYTHING ELSE failed) would be to have a guy come out and pop ME. Then Austin would HAVE to be disqualified, right? Get it? Well, you know, I'm not saying I'm smarter than Flair or anything....but *perhaps* I'm smarter than the people who put this together. (Just a li'l bit.)

You know, the timing of this break ain't too great because it's right at the top of the hour - a minute earlier probably would have been better, but as it is it's 11:01 as we head in...

Back from the break and Ross says it's been mostly Flair when we haven't been able to watch them - but it's Austin with the clothesline. Flair goes to the eyes again. Austin tossed through the ropes to the floor - Flair goes out after him. Say, if it's a double countout, what happens then? Status quo? Chop by Flair, chop - wants to put him into the post but Austin blocks it - chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, Flair with ANOTHER eyepoke. But Flair walks into a back body drop on the floor! Robinson decides to go outside rather than continue his count. Austin rolls back in the ring just in case. Austin pulls Flair to the apron - and suplexes him back into the ring. Flair begs off - not happening. Gutshot by Austin, open-handed slap, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, Flair points to his chin and Austin's gonna do it - but Robinson hooks his arm, preventing him from doing it - and while his back is to the action, Flair unloads HIS right hand! Robinson asks if he punched him and of course Flair shakes his head violently. Snickers Cruncher replay apparently isn't on the big screen. Flair puts his knee into the back of Austin's knee, chopping him down. Flair lays the leg across the bottom rope and sits on it, Potsie. Kick to the knee, chop, kick, chop, kick. Austin staggers to the adjacent corner - Flair stomps the knee, stomp, stomp, Austin chop, chop, chop, chop, but Flair turns it back - chop, chop, almost punches but stops himself - gutshot as Austin comes out of the corner - off the ropes with a stomp on the knee. Now we go to school! The figure four is locked in and Austin's a long way from the ropes - in fact, it's FLAIR grabbing the ropes for the all-important added leverage! Flair lets go just in time to stop Robinson from seeing it - but this gives Austin just enough to start the slow turn...yes...turning the figure four over and reversing it! Flair releases the hold as quickly as he can. Flair's up first, albeit limping. Flair with a chop, Austin chops, Flair, Austin, Flair, Austin, Austin with a side headlock, Flair power out, but their heads collide next time by. Robinson only gets to 2 before Flair is up - outside - climbing up - oh no, that never works!! Austin is up and bealing Flair off the corner to the centre of the ring! Here we go - kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - running stomp! Austin pulls Flair up by his hair - chop in the corner - chop - chop - FLAIR FLOP!! Flair *again* goes with the thumb to the eye to stop him. Austin puts Flair into the ropes - but Flair grabs Austin with an inside cradle - 1, 2, NO!! Austin blocks a hip toss, hooks the arm, backslide is successful - 1, 2, NO!! Looked like a right hand from Flair but let's be generous and call it a forearm - Austin chops, Flair chops, Austin, Flair, Austin, Flair with, yes, an eyepoke. Flair with a chop. Into the ropes is reversed, KICK WHAM STUNNER! 1, 2, 3! (14:33) Just like that, and it can happen at any time. Does Flair yet realise the implications of this loss? Austin has a smile on his face. Austin picks up Flair - there's the right hand! Flair forgets to sell it - wotta pisser. Austin with a chop, into the ropes, big body drop - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Flair at least knows how to sell THAT. Beer me, beer me, beer me. Austin to the corner to chug. Beer me, beer me. In Texas, Austin drinks Budweiser! Raw Zone credits are up - see ya!

Around this time every year I take a short sabbatical - we'll see you again on *Monday* with SmackDown!