I'm sure glad I waited before I said anything.
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.55 (- .89, last year: 12.42, two years ago: 17)
TONIGHT: Like the sign said, he's the Next Big King, and Brock Lesnar's coronation is tonight! Also....probably some other stuff! Come back soon!
T(O)N(I)G(HT): I mean, I like Bok and all, but did he REALLY think this was gonna WORK?
TV-14-DLV-CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
SLEEPYRO! Coming atcher LIVE from the Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH 24.6.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on the new TNN and TSN - it's RAW, and look what we got here
MOST OF THE RAW SUPERSTARS surround the ring, on the apron. We've got Bubba Ray Dudley, Trish Stratus, Linda Miles (wait - she's on RAW now? Ummmm), Terri, William Regal, Chris Nowinski, Rob van Dam, Spike Dudley, Bradshaw, Steven Richards, Shawn Stasiak, Goldust, Booker T, Molly Holly, Jacqueline, Matt & Jeff Hardy, Tommy Dreamer, Eddie Guerrero, D-Lo Brown, Crash, Justin Credible and Raven. Well that's not REALLY all of them, is it? I guess we'll learn more soon as BILLIONAIRE VINCE heads to the ring. "Many of you superstars in the past have asked me a question I'm gonna answer tonight. There's no question that each and every single one of you know that I (Vincent Kennedy McMahon) am an unqualified success! Many of you in the past have asked me, 'Mr. McMahon, what's your secret? What is it that makes you the successful man that you are?' and tonight I'm going to share that very secret with each and every one of you. More than any one quality that makes me the successful man that I am, I would have to say that one quality is...RUTHLESS AGGRESSION. Years ago, I took on every wrestling promoter throughout North America, I kicked every one of their asses and *why?* Not because I was an (asshole), no no - BECAUSE of ruthless aggression. In a court of law, shut up, in a court of law, I took on the United States of America, and I kicked her ass because of ruthless aggression. I took on WCW, it took me a while, but I kicked THEIR asses and bought the company, because of ruthless aggression! So what I wanna know here tonight, as you stand here on my ring, which one of you has that quality? Who among you has that one single ingredient? Who has enough...ruthless aggression? Who has enough ruthless aggression to reach for the stars as never before? Who has enough ruthless aggression to excel beyond their wildest dreams? Who has enough ruthless aggression to make the necessary sacrifices of mind, body and soul in order to be a success in this company? By God, that's what we're gonna find out here tonight. That one single ingredient, and I can tell you all this: there's one person who is not standing out here who unquestionably has the necessary ruthless aggression - and that man is the King of the Ring, Brock Lesnar. Brock didn't give a damn how he won the King of the Ring, nor should he - he won because of...ruthless aggression! Does that bother you, RVD? Does it bother you, huh? It damn well should, and I know it does. Bubba Ray Dudley, at the King of the Ring, you wanted to make a name for yourself, so what'd you do? You went out and interfered in the Guerrero/Flair match, and Ric Flair was victorious because of you. So tonight, let's find out how much...ruthless aggression you have when you go one on one in this ring with Eddie Guerrero. Oh look at this, whoa whoa whoa, lookit this. Why it's Mr. Extreme! Why it's, it's Jeff Hardy! You've been buzzing about The Undertaker for the last several weeks - you're not gonna buzz any longer. It won't be for the title, pal, but tonight, you and The Undertaker, one on one in this ring. And just for the record, you're (points to Matt) barred from ringside. All I wanna know is who among you wants it. That's all I'm askin' - who among you wants to become a superstar? Who among you is the next legend? Who among you wants it? Because if you don't want it, I damn sure don't want any of you!" Vince goes to leave the ring, but just before he gets to the ropes, some familiar music hits and out bounds the NWO. Michaels is first. "Hey Vin Man! I cannot apologise enough for our tardiness - I'm sorry we're late. You know I couldn't help but to hear ya and I think about your...ruthless aggression and, well, that personifies only one group more than ever. And when it comes to all the things you've said that pertains to everyone down there...but none of us up here. So since we're bein' honest, and that's my middle name, you have got no bigger and no better superstars than the N-W-Ohhhhhhh. So, we would like to take this opportunity to extend our services to ya, if you need us to take out some o' that TRASH down there, you just give us a call." Nash: "And if anybody down there's got a problem with that - I don't know, how about headlining a couple WrestleManias and then giving us a shout?" Booker T hits the ring and swipes McMahon's mic. "You want headlines - you want headlines? I'll give you some headlines. 'NWO / has got to go / they ain't stars / they just blow.'" Goldust hits the ring. "You think you boys are tight? There is nobody tighter than Booker T and Goldust in the WWE! We are the boys! We are homies! And by God, hell, we're practically married!" "Now what the hell is wrong witchoo? Man, we ain't married, coupled, do you get me? I'll tell you what - you want some, I'll give it to you right here tonight. Any one o' them suckas, in the ring, with The Book, tonight, in this ring!" Vince takes the mic back. "All right, uh...I appreciate that, but see, you have to understand that it won't be one on one, Booker T vs. Shawn Michaels, I can tell you that. Shawn Michaels is an icon in this business! Shawn Michaels possesses the very quality I'm asking if, do you have here tonight? He possessess...ruthless aggression! Michaels earned his bones a long time ago, it won't be Michaels. And I'll tell you who else it won't be - it won't be - it won't be Kevin Nash. Oh yeah, maybe - maybe it will soon, as soon as Nash is over the injury, the bicep tear, he's back in the ring, and by the way, big man, if you (Kevin Nash) don't live up to expectations, you could be joining the unemployment line with your buddy Scott Hall." Nash scratches his nose with his middle finger to send the internet a-twitter. "Look, all I'm saying tonight is I simply want you to do one thing. If you have it in you, and if wanna get it out of you, all you gotta do is just reach up, reach up and dammit, take it!" T takes the mic again. "You damn skippy, I'm gon' take it! I'm as sure as the NWO gettin' their ass kicked by this freak right here--" Vince takes back the mic. "I'll tell you what you gonna take. You don't tell me. Tonight, in this ring, we're gonna have ourselves a tag team match. And it's gonna be X-Pac and The Big Show...against you and your very close personal friend Goldust." T swipes the mic. "You know what, Vince--" Vince swipes it back. "And just for the record, Kevin Nash and Shawn, no interference, pal - barred from ringside." T swipes the mic again. "I can dig that." Walks off - walks back. T (and crowd): "Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Hey, I think Booker T got over! Play his music! T consults his hand and busts out the breakdancing.
Where's the SmackDown! crew headed? Tomorrow, it's Chicago! Saturday, Providence! Sunday, Augusta (Maine), Monday is Portland (Maine) and next Tuesday is Boston!
BRADSHAW (hardcore champion) & SPIKE
DUDLEY (combined weight 442 pounds -
with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI & WILLIAM
REGAL (European champion) (combined weight inaudible 
Vince tells Sergeant Slaughter that he's going to start weeding out the roster one by one, week by week. Tommy Dreamer and Raven (who "used to be big stars in one of the companies I put out of business") are booked in a match where "the loser will never again appear on RAW." Sarge is dispatched to spread the news, and we follow Vince into the Room of Fun, where Tough Enough's Jackie is waiting. Vince tells her that she and Molly Holly are booked against Trish Stratus and Linda Miles - still no mention of why Linda is on RAW. Jackie promises to win the golden thong award, then removes her raincoat to show off her, as Vince says, "wow." Unfortunately (?), Vince's leer turns to shock - we turn back to see Undertaker. Jackie quickly excuses herself. "You upset? You got that look on your face." "Yeah, Vince, I'm upset. Do you realise if I am not the newly crowned Baddest Man on the Planet, that I mighta lost this last night? You realise this, right? See, The Rock can show up outta nowhere, and he can give all the inspirational speeches he wants. You know what? I think what he said needed to be said, but lemme tell ya... It's a whole 'nother story when he shows up at King of the Ring, interferes in my match, and almost costs me this thing. You realise that every week I go out and I bust my ass to keep this title, and the Rock's just gonna show up and nearly cost me the Undisputed title. I tell you what. I want the Rock, and I want him now." "Now hang on a second. Rock's appearance on RAW last week was a one-time thing, I didn't know he was comin' out. And he's damn sure not here tonight. Otherwise, I'm sure you'd have found out about it earlier. So, what I DID was, in case you didn't hear me, I knew you can't have the Rock tonight, but you've got Jeff Hardy, just assume that Jeff is de Rock, tear him apart, that's all you gotta do." "Jeff Hardy is the Rock, huh. Well actually I did hear a little bit of what you got to say. And you're lookin' for new stars. Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Vince. Tonight, I'm'on make Jeff Hardy famous...the old-fashioned way."
Kurt Angle (with hair!) gets tough on angina
The WWE Rewind is brought to you by Twix - it causes Usher to lose his shirt! From last night at King of the Ring, Bubba Ray Dudley gives Eddie Guerrero a Bubbabomb, helping Ric Flair to take the fall. Say, anybody seen Ric Flair tonight?
BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds) v. ...
After, Dudley sets up a table on the floor, we go backstage, where TERRI has Eddie Guerrero. He calls her "esa," then uses a whole heap o' Spanglish, telling Vince that he's the brightest star in the WWE.
BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (already in the ring)
v. YOUR HOSTS ARE A PAIR OF KINGS -
LARRY & JERRY - and EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228
Look! The Gund Arena! OH NO even Ross said "ruthless aggression!"
Goldust has the attention of our intrepid cameraman...and he's donned *another* parodical disguise - and wig. "Crikey! Hello everyone, it's me! The Crocodile Hunter! Off on another safari of fun and adventure! Now normally, I would be in the swamps with the crocodiles everywhere, but tonight we are going to a much worse place, a more vile nasty place than you've ever seen - the NWO locker room, c'mon! Now remember, we have to be VERY QUIET, even though there's no one at home, the NWO, they tend to travel in packs, and they can be VERY SCARY, but let's go anyway." In we go - Show is napping with a beauty mask covering his eyes. "By crikey, look at this! Look at this! It's the Giant Sleeping Shoppopotamus! These creatures are ENOURMOUS, so big, oh, but they SMELL - good grief, they smell like...like kangaroo crotch sack! (inhales - Goldust voice) ohhhhh gnarly." The toilet flushes and out walks X-Pac. "What are you doin' here, you freak?" "Yankers me crankers! Look at this creature! Look, you don't see this every day! It's the *rare* Bandana Wearing Greaserag! But be very careful, they tend to SUCK!" Goldust tosses his toy crocodile at him and runs off. 'Pac throws it down and gives chase. Show mutters "cheeseburger, and a milkshake" before going back to sleep.
Meanwhile, Jeff LIMBERS UP! Matt catches up and mumbles! "Jeff! Looks like you're stuck tonight, tonight you gotta go one on one." "No Matt, it's cool. I got myself into this, I'm gonna get myself out. I'll be cool on my own." "You're right, man. We'll both be cool on our own. Besides, there's not even any WWE tag team titles to win in the RAW division." "Exactly, man! We gotta go our own way, man, we gotta become stars ourselves. By ourselves, man, we can do it." "And we can - and tonight is gonna be your night." "Yeah - I'm gonna be a star tonight, dammit - or die trying." They do the Wonder Twin Powers Activate...
Meanwhile, the chase is still on - Goldust slips into a nearby dressing room, and when X-Pac gives chase he runs RIGHT into a big pizza sheet swung by Booker T! Goldust stands over 'Pac. "Danger, danger, danger, Booker! You've tamed this old greasy RAT - I knew our plan would work..." "You just went down under, you little kangaroo koala jive wombat - you're goin' down tonight! Now can you dig that..." Walks away - walks back "...suckaaaaa!"
Tough Enough trainers shill Stacker 2
"Get the F out" spot
TOMMY DREAMER (already in the ring - Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds) v.
RAVEN (The Bowery - 239 pounds) with the loser barred from appearing on
In a dressing room, Heyman talks to a silhouette: "Your majesty, I think it's time for me to go out in front of your public and give a proper coronation for the 2002 King...of the Ring."
Another look at the commentary team.
And now we look back at Raven, who shoves some furniture around on his way out the door - good thing his bag was waiting! He's met outside by Matt Hardy who runs him into the metal garage door, puts some forearms in the back and runs him into a car. "Have a nice trip!" Raven is UNHAPPY.
"WrestleMania X8" GameCube ad
MOMENTS AGO: Two paragraphs ago
TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy! But first...
Jim Ross is in the (red-carpeted) ring, and joined by IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have been joined by the agent of Brock Lesnar as we are now prepared for the official 2002 King of the Ring Coronation Ceremony. Normally, the King of the Ring winner receives a crown or a trophy, but this year the prize is much more prestigious, because now the King of the Ring winner will be in the main event at SummerSlam to face the Undisputed WWE Champion." "And, JR, let's give credit where credit is due! It was all MY idea. It was all my idea that the 2002 King of the Ring would get a shot at the Undisputed title at SummerSlam! And my plan came to fruition at King of the Ring! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you the 2002 King of the Ring, the man that will challenge for the title at SummerSlam, my client, the Next Big Thing, BROCK LESNAR!" Here come the RAW Credits and the transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes can't be far behind. "Oh, Brock - Brock, I think it's time that the people realised that you, sir, as the King of the Ring - that you, sir, as the man that will challenge for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam - you, Brock Lesnar, are the answer to all of Vince McMahon's questions. Vince McMahon came out here tonight and said 'who wants it? Who wants it?' Nobody on the face of the planet today wants it more than Brock Lesnar. No man has the desire to succeed more than Brock Lesnar. No man has the hunger for competition more than Brock Lesnar. No man has the craving to advance more than the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. And no man that I've ever met in my life has the need, has the obsession, has the compulsion to be a champion more than the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to set your envy aside. I want you to put aside your jealousies, and I'd like you to stand up and applaud the 2002 King of the Ring, Brock Lesnar. I would like you to set aside--" The mixed reaction perks up when ROB VAN DAM appears and punks him out from behind - into the ropes, reversed, van Dam ducks, kick, spin kick, vaults to the top - leaping kick that puts Lesnar on the floor! Play his music! Heyman holds back Lesnar while van Dam kicks the air a few times...
You're watching THE NEW TNN!
Coming back, Heyman and Lesnar are in the Room of Fun. "--and, and he did this on your show - on YOUR show, Vince - Rob van Dam ruined it all! Brock Lesnar's gonna be King of the Ring any time he wants, but this, Vince - this was his first time as King of the Ring, and Rob van Dam screwed it up! He screwed it all up, Vince, on your show - Rob van Dam screwed it all up!" "Okay, okay - what do you want me to do about it?" "SummerSlam is too far away - Brock Lesnar cannot wait until SummerSlam to become a champion. Vince, I think Brock Lesnar should be a champion now - tonight! Vince, you need to make the match. You need to make the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar, tonight, in that very ring, against Rob van Dam - and it needs to be for the intercontinental title." "So...Brock. You're the Next Big Thing all right, yeah. You're the King of the Ring! Will you be, at SummerSlam, the Undisputed champion - and will you tonight - will you tonight become the intercontinental champion?" Paul answers before Brock can: "YES! Yes he will! YES YES YES!" "Then dammit, go TAKE it!" "Thank you, thank you, Vince, thank you thank you thank you! You got it! He's all yours!"
THE ROCK (Cameron, North Carolina - 218
pounds - with Clip Package) v. THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER
(Undisputed champion - Houston, Texas -
328 pounds - on
His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike - with tomorrow in Chicago hype) in a
"WrestleMania X8" GameCube ad #2
Take a look at the WWE.COM homepage - did you know that while "www.wwe.com" works, "wwe.com" does not? Isn't that annoying?
Neurotica CD is out tomorrow! SmackDown! Records needs your support!
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL
(Women's Champion) & LINDA MILES (with
"Divas Undressed" hype - and RAW is brought to you by "WrestleMania X8"
GameCube, "Eight Legged Freaks," and Twix!) v. MOLLY HOLLY &
...here's an ad for "WWE Divas Undressed," airing Tuesday at 9/8 on the new TNN.
"RAW" Magazine ad
Lawler goes pie-eyed over his copy of RAW Magazine- but it's actually because he's reading an article about HIMSELF. Whoa, got me with a SWERVE there!
EARLIER TONIGHT: Did we really need to relive Vince's "ruthless aggression" claptrap?
EARLIER TOINGHT: Did we really need to relive PAUL'S claptrap?
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Rob van Dam. "You know what, I don't need Mr. McMahon's motivation - I'm motivated every time I go out there and my fans remind me of who I am - Points To Self--" Heyman and Lesnar interrupt. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! Who the hell do you think you are? Do you realise that everything you have in this life you owe to me? Do you realise every opportunity you ever got, Rob van Dam, you owe to me? You mess with my client, do you know what my client is gonna do to you? Do you how my client thinks--" "SHUT UP PAUL! ... Tonight, I'm gonna show you the meaning of 'ruthless aggression.' Let's go, Paul." Paul, shocked, follows obediently.
Meanwhile, the NWO is WALKING! X-Pac is unhappy about being on the wrong end of the "ha ha crap." Michaels: "Look, it's gone on too long - we need to win this thing and win it now." Suddenly, Nash explodes - "LISTEN! Get the job done! I'm tired of it! I'm tired of it! Get it done! Get it done! 'cause if you don't, guess what - I'm kickin' your asses when you get back here! Get the job done! I do believe in you! Get it done! Show me something! Show me something! Get it done! Get it done." I didn't bother with 'Pac and Show's return shouting but the tension portrayed is certainly...... WHOA MAN NASH SURE IS *FAT*
Tough Enough Stacker 2 ad #2
And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by "Eight Legged Freaks" - no, not literally - from last week, Booker T and Goldust take damage from the NWO
(X-Pac & Big Show - 725 pounds - with Let
Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. GOLDUST (Hollywood, California -
250 pounds - with SmackDown! in Boston hype) and BOOKER T (Houston, Texas -
NEXT: Rob van Dam vs. Brock Lesnar - and the intercontinental championship is on the line!
How about the RAW shows? Friday is DC! Saturday, New York! Sunday, Moheedan Sun! Next week, Manchester is RAW!
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KING
BROCK LESNAR (challenger -
Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman - with Subway
presents Vengeance! Tix on sale Saturday in Detroit) v. ROB VAN DAM
(champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235