QUICK QUOTE: WWE 13.09 (- .91, last year: 14.65, two years ago: 21) WHAT positive earnings report?

TONIGHT: No, we *ain't* talking about tonight - we're gonna watch the end of the Taker/Angle match instead! Mr. McMahon has a MAJOR announcement at the top of the hour and that's ALL that you get, so that'll have to hold you for the next fifteen! Baaaaaaaah

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

Let Us Take You Back to Thursday, 'cause it's a whole other show

From...somewhere, it's BILLIONAIRE VINCE to mug for the camera...and also wish us a "Good evening. Based upon the fact that last week the Undertaker defended the Undisputed championship against Jeff Hardy on RAW and against Kurt Angle on SmackDown!, I have taken the liberty of giving The Undertaker a well-deserved night off. Furthermore, the Undertaker is preparing to welcome...The Rock back to SmackDown! this Thursday night. However, due to the controversy surrounding the Kurt Angle vs. Undertaker match, the highlights of which you've just witnessed, and in the interest of fairness, the main event at Vengeance will now be Kurt Angle vs. The Rock....vs. The Undertaker in a triple threat matchup for the Undisputed WWE Championship. Thank you." Hmm, Vince *again* failed to tell us how he's going to make it up to SmackDown! for moving Benoit over to RAW...

Oh, Those Opening Credits - they refuse to see the change in me, WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

GIMPYRO! Coming to you live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA 8.7.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on the New TNN and TSN this is WWE RAW! ECW! ECW! ECW! Wait...we don't do that anymore, do we. Man, you need to read the "One Year Ago" report!

As BOOKER TIO hits the ring, we learn that tonight Bubba Ray Dudley will take on Chris Benoit. "Kill my music! Wassup Philly! You know, we gon' cut to the chase. You know, all week long, only thing I hear is 'Book, you better watch yo back - Book, the NWO *promised* to take you out for what you did to X-Pac.' Well I tell you what - NWO can do whatever the hell they wanna do to me - I ain't worried about that. But I tell you what - I'm gonna make you a promise tonight. The first promise is I won't be screamin', moanin' and groanin' like that Chuck E. Cheese, rat-faced punkass X-Pac. And the second thing is, y'see, I don't want it backstage, see, I don't want it in the parking lot. I want it right here, right now, in this ring. Yeah, I might get my ass kicked, but like my daddy said, you got to bring some to get some. Like my daddy said, get some want some, you better be big and bad enough to take some! And like my daddy said, he said just one more thing, he said 'son, now can u dig that....suckaaaaaa?'" T to the corner. "Get some!" But that's not the NWO - it's EDDIE GUERRERO. Guerrero asks for the mic - and T lets him have it. Everywhere I put ellipses is probably Eddie talkin' in a language I don't speak. "Orale, holmes. Ese - who you calling a sucker, vato? 'cause you know what, ese, if anybody's a (mamon?), if anybody's a sucker it's you, holmes. ...ese, you know what, the NWO, they promised to kick your ass...it's gonna be on their terms. Not on yours, holmes. You know, man, last week - the Dudleys, they cheated me out of my win, ese, and I promised Benoit and myself that this week I was gonna do something. I was gonna take out my frustrations on the first (chapete?) that ran his mouth. And that...it's obviously you, holmes." T takes a poke at him - right, right, right, Guerrero goes behind, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big back body drop by Booker - Charles Robinson hits the ring and a bell rings - hey, I guess this *is* a match!

BOOKER T. v. EDDIE GUERRERO - Right by T, clothesline, T grabs the arm and strikes with the back kick - right, right, chop, chop, chop, Guerrero right, T whips, reversed, reversed back and T knees the gut. T wants the axe kick but Guerrero decides to dropkick him in the knee instead, putting him on the mat. Guerrero stomps - stomp, stomp, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp. Rollup - 1, no. Stomp. Into the ropes, back elbow. Again stomping the knee. Guerrero with feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no. Elbow to the head, right, right, right, right, right, right. "Eddie sucks!" Elbow. Another elbow to the back of the head. Right, right, right, right, right, T reverses - T right, right, right, Guerrero with a single leg, elbowdrop on the leg, stomp, somethin' in Spanish. T shot into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero ducks, but eats a Harlem sidekick on the rebound. T clutches his leg but get back up - Guerrero with a gutshot - almost a brainbuster there, 1, 2, nope. Death suplex from Guerrero. Off the ropes, off the other ropes, Blockbuster-like rolling neck snap (!) gets Guerrero 2. Guerrero with an elbow, right, into the opposite corner, T up and over, crisscross rollup - 1, 2, 3! We wait a few seconds but DO ring the bell - Booker T is your winner. (3:12) Guerrero tries a swing after the bell but T ducks - and gives Guerrero a superkick. T says it's time...but before he can start spinning, CHRIS BENOIT is out to take T down and now the double stompdown is on. Bring on GOLDUST - he means well, but also ends up on the wrong side of a doubleteam. But *now* BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY hit the ring with chairs in hand - Guerrero escapes but Benoit takes a WHACK in the back courtesy Bubba Ray before getting out of the ring. Play...Booker T's music? Okay!

HE'S COMING - a lot closer look at him this time

Backstage, Goldust catches up with T. "Booker - yes! BookDust is once again victorious! May I have your hand?" Goldust grabs his hand and puts his other hand on his hip, and they start..a tango. "Booker T and Gol-DUST! Booker T and Goldust!" "MAN! What the hell is wrong witchoo?" "Nothin'!" "We ain't outta the woods yet. Only thing this mean is the NWO is gonna take me or you later." "Not necessarily. I have derived yet another plan to ensure--" "Look, man. You and your plans. Didn't you get enough last week? You GON' get yo ass whooped again!" "Peharps. But like you said...if I'm goin' down...like a rugged young Jon Bon Jovi in Young Guns 2, well then I'm goin' (inhales) down...in a blaze...of glory... (bites)" Goldust tangos off. "Man you're losin' your..." spotting X-Pac, T says "It's on now!" and superkicks him...only to discover it isn't really X-Pac, but a pretzel vendor looking like X-Pac. "Get yo ratty ass up - oh...oh, dawg! Oh, dawg!" T puts the pretzels in his lap. "You all right." Then he comes back, steals a pretzel and walks off. Once a thief...

Jonathan Coachman can't contain his shit eatin' grin as he is bookended by Trish Stratus and Jackie Gayda. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Molly and Jackie had a tussle, then Trish pantsed Molly, and....no, that's it. "I think Molly got what she had coming to her...in the end." "That's funny! I thought that fight started between me and Molly, though. Yet, somehow Miss Trish Stratus seemed to get involved. I think it's because you're jealous of me." "Jealous of what?" "Well, standing head and shoulders over you...and I am beautiful, and I DO have quite a body...it's obvious you're jealous. You're jealous of all the attention I got during Tough Enough. You're jealous of the fact that even before I ever stepped foot in a WWE ring, I got attention." "Somebody sounds like they're living in a fantasy world--" Wow, here comes Chris Nowinski to find a way to add even LESS acting talent to this mix. "As a fellow Tough Enough and Harvard graduate, I couldn't help but overhear. Now if anyone's living in a fantasy world, it's you, Trish. I mean, what's the deal with that cowboy hat, anyway? Is it mandatory for everyone in this company to have the mental acumen and dress like they're coming from a seven year old's birthday party?" "You know what - why don't we settle this little discussion out in the ring in a mixed tag match. It'll be the kids from Tough Enough - Jackie Gayda and uh...Mr. Havard over there, versus me and a partner." "Trish, that's fine but...who are you gonna get as a partner? I mean, Roy Rogers? Wait wait wait - how 'bout the Lone Ranger? Hi ho silver! Wait, no no - how 'bout Yosemite Sam! That'd be great!" "Actually, you're gettin' close, Einstein. My partner'll be...Bradshaw." They leave Chris and Jackie to fail to register any sort of emotion. Could Tori have been making SO much more money that they felt they had to replace her with Jackie?

Check out the SmackDown! crew in Atlantic City, Ottawa, St. Johns, Binghamton and Wilkes-Barre!

THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Rock sexually harrasses Lilian Garcia

CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds - with Eddie Guerrero...and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. BACKSTAGE...

The Dudleys are taken aback. "What in the frickin' hell are you?" It's Goldust, dressed as....well. "What do you mean? It is I, Ben Franklin! Travelling through time to bring you both a very important message! I saw what you did for Booker T & Goldust - and that got me to thinking! Ha ha ha ha ha! I think you should join forces with Booker T & Goldust and take care of the NWO! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "First of all, Ben Franklin does NOT laugh like Santa Claus, and secondly, we went out there earlier to take care of Benoit & Guerrero. We don't even like, nor give a damn about Booker T and...Goldust! We don't even like them." "Like? What's like got to do with anything? You think all of our founding fathers liked each other? Not all the time, no they didn't! Sometimes I just wanted to punch Thomas Jefferson right in the gonads but I didn't! No, I didn't. We're all in this thing together, fighting the British! You're all in this thing together, fighting the NWO!" "We're not fighting the NWO. C'mon, Spike, I got a match." "Well....when the NWO's finished with Booker T & Goldust, ohhhh boy you'll be sorry, by crikey!"

Benoit & Guerrero look *thrilled* to have been able to watch that on the big screen, by the way.

CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrero) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds - with Spike Dudley)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Dudley lunges for Guerrero out on the apron, which is a bad idea - Benoit from behind with a forearm, right, kick, kick, into the corner and he hits hard. Into the ropes, forearm by Benoit. Snap suplex! Kick to the head. Head rammed to the turnbuckle. Big chop. Kick, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp. Right, reversed by Dudley, right, right, forearm in the chest, axehandle, open-handed slap, into the opposite corner, high death suplex out. Head to the buckle by Dudley. Scoop...and a slam. Dudley going up - Guerreo on the apron again, just enough of a distraction for Benoit to put two forearms in the chest. Dudley shoves off the superplex attempt, but STILL tries the senton - of course, it misses. Waistlock by Benoit, standing switch, reversed back, Benoit with forearms in the back (four), pulls him up, grabs the waistlock and DOES deliver the German suplex. Crowd is silent for some reason. Benoit puts Dudley into the ring, another forearm. 1, no. Kick to the head by Benoit - kick - Dudley chops, Benoit chops, Dudley, Benoit, kicks traded, head to the corner by Benoit - into the ropes, head down, Dudley kicks, ducks the swing and Bubba throws a German suplex of his own! Both men down - Spike leads the clapping as we enjoy a fresh Subway replay. Both men up - Dudley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," left, right, chop, right, into the ropes, biiiig sidewalk slam - 1, 2, no! Meanwhile, Guerrero's collided with Spike, dropping him out on the floor - Guerrero on the apron again - Bubba takes a swipe and misses, Benoit from behind with a forearm in the back - into the ropes is reversed, Bubba with the full nelson - the Bubbabomb! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Guerrero tosses Spike into Patton to break up the count! Amazingly, Patton does NOT call for a crafty DQ here, but Guerrero again manages to draw over Bubba - this time he DOES land a right hand, taking Guerrero off the apron and to the floor, but this time when Bubba turns back, Benoit is ready - Crippler crossface!! Bubba doesn't last too long before tapping out. (3:58) Guerrero tosses Spike into the STEEL steps, then hits the ring to stomp on Bubba Ray. Spike brought in - into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Benoit runs Bubba Ray into Spike - then REapplies the crossface - Guerrero off the ropes with a dropkick. Guerrero also pulls back on Bubba's head - now BOOKER T & GOLDUST hit the ring and run off Benoit and Guerrero. Play...Booker T's music again!

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"WrestleMania X8" for the Nintendo GameCube ad

Wow, we're like 35 minutes in and except for the backstage stuff, we've seen the same six people. I don't rightly know what that means, but I *do* think it's interesting enough to mention here...

Well, I guess we're close enough - Christopher Nowinski takes us on a tour of Harvard. "I decided on Harvard because...when they said they wanted me to come here I couldn't turn them down. Ah, this is historic Harvard Stadium, the oldest football stadium in the country, erected in 1904. You know, Harvard football has no equals on this campus, there is no rivalry between... in any other sport (laughs) Harvard/Yale football is the only game of any significance here. I mean there's more sports at Harvard then any school in the country, there's 41 sports here. It's really a jock school! But...fulla nerd jocks. Right here they have the head of the Charles every year, which is the biggest crew race in the country, and probably half a million people are lined up on the river watching it. When there's a football game that same day and usually it kinda hurts our crowd a bit, and I just can't understand why people would rather watch people row boats than watch a game. The boathouse has absolutely no significance whatsoever...it's just where the butch girls are hangin' out. (laughs)"

The WWE camerman takes us on a tour of the parking lot! It's ALMOST as exciting!

Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY & JERRY.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week for Highlights of the Ladder Match

Earlier Tonight, Jeff Hardy arrived - and was STILL feeling his side from the punishment of that match - or else he just forgot to eat (food) again and his tummy was rumbling. Ric Flair meets him with a handshake. "Jeff, how are you, man? I wanted to grab you and pull you aside for a moment, just to tell you that that match that you had last week with The Undertaker was one of the greatest performances I've ever seen in my day." "I was THIS close." "You're on your way, man. I'm real proud of you. A lotta guts, man." "First off all, can I just say WOOOO! coming from you, man, that means a lot." "Well, I'm honoured, but I see you got a big European title match tonight with Regal. He's a tough customer, man." "Right on." "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm cool, man. I live for the moment. I'll be all right. Thank you." "Knock it down. It's all you, buddy." Hardy walks off and we pan left to see that Steven Richards put down his paper and join the House of Sarcastic Clapping People. "Very moving speech, Mr. Flair. I have one question. When you were talking about 'your day,' did you mean the Roaring Twenties...or the Jurassic Period?" "You talkin' to me?" "Yeah - yeah, I'm talkin' to you. Because it's guys like you - like the legend, Ric Flair, who quite frankly if you want my honest opinion, you haven't looked that legendary as of late, Ric. It's guys like YOU that have taken the spotlight away from Steven Richards! Yeah, I have a problem with that - because your time has passed. Your run - your last big run - is over." "Steven Richards, say no more. I'd like you tonight, and if my run is to end, let's end it right now - I don't think you're man enough to end ANYTHING that's got my name on it." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "You think so?" "Yeah." "Fine - fine." "I'm sure of it." Richards throws a right hand and catches Flair off guard, taking him off his feet. Richards walks off - Flair seems pissed...but before he gets up and runs after him, we head to the break

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The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by the science fiction thriller "Eight Legged Freaks!" From last week, Nowinski pins Bradshaw in a nontitle match that actually didn't take much longer than these clips

TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Canada) and BRADSHAW (Hardcore champion - Sweetwater, Tejas - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, JVC's Tower of Power HX Series, and Honda!) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI & JACKIE GAYDA in a mixed tag
referee: JACK DOAN
Lawler proudly demonstrates the poster included in the latest copy of WWE Magazine (I'm guessing that's what they call it now?) and Ross calls him "Pootie Tang." I wonder how long Nowinski is gonna have that shiner, anyway. Looks like the men are gonna start. Nowinski assumes a three point stance and dares Bradshaw to do the same - then, when he does, Nowinski hits the Heisman pose - ha! Bradshaw is not amused and lunches for him, so Nowinski tags out and hits the floor. Doan demands Bradshaw tag out, so he does. Gayda runs into the new women's division showcase manoeuvre, the Japanese armdrag. Stratus with a dropkick, elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, clotheslined down by Stratus - 1, 2, Nowinski breaks it up ALMOST too late but Doan lets it slide. Bradshaw wants in but Doan holds him back - behind his back, Stratus runs at Gayda and...nothing happens, so she kinda plays with the top rope. I have NO idea if Gayda was supposed to shove her over the top or what, and Trish can't come up with a good improv, so she bounces back to the ring - tries a drop toehold but Gayda utterly fails to figure it out, ending up falling on top of her - they roll a bit and the Philly crowd wastes no time turning on them. Boooo! Gayda settles on a choke and Trish decides she can work with that. Bottom rope choke. Stomp. Another stomp. And, as you all know, once you have the advantage in a mixed tag - it's best if you tag out. Nowinski decides to ignore the rules and attempts an elbowdrop on Stratus - but she rolls out of the away. Another elbowdrop misses and Bradshaw gets the tag. Shoudlerblock by Bradshaw. Into the ropes, big boot - into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Nowinski tries a crossbody - well, shit, you KNOW Bradshaw's gonna catch you for the COFS but go ahead. Nowinski manages a tag. Gayda climbs Bradshaw's back but he won't fight her - throwing her off and tagging Stratus. Stratus attempts to grab and hold a headlock as Bradshaw goes outside to chase Nowinski around the ring - they eventually go over the barricade and away through the crowd. Back in the ring, Stratus snapmares her over - in the corner and you can see her trying to run down the spots for her - chop - chop - chop - whip is reversed, clothesline by Gayda - kick, kick, foot on her neck. Gayda sits her on top - forearm, forearm, climbing to the second rope - Trish is all "the hell you are, I don't trust you with NOTHIN'" and shoves her off. Gayda flails around in the centre of the ring, completely cluess, while Stratus patiently waits - Gayda runs into a boot - Stratus off the top with a - well, I'm sure it was *supposed* to be a bulldog, but Gayda doesn't figure out what's happening until she sees Stratus hit the canvas, having completely passed her by. In what seems like an eternity of moments, Gayda finally falls to the mat, having seemingly suffered a delayed reaction on Trish's hand grazing her hair. Crowd boos again. Stratus covers - 1, 2, looks like Gayda kicked out but Doan hits 3 anyway. Ross: "Mercifully, it's over." (3:15) Stratus looks incredibly pissed off, ha ha. GOOD OL' JR quickly makes sure we all know he had *nothing* to do with that by dropping his infamous "bowling shoe" bomb. Not to suggest that it wouldn't be a good idea to put Jackie back on the taped show, but there's *gotta* be better ways that live burial on nationwide television.....?

Backstage with Benoit and Guerrero. "Those son of a bitches are going to pay!" "Ese you don't think I'm annoyed too, ese? I mean, come on, man. first the Dudleys come in on my match, holmes? And then Booker T & Goldust come in on yours, ese? I mean, what's going on, man? Ese, can this night possibly get any worse, ese?" Meanwhile, the NWO has been walking by... "Well what the hell do you want?" X-Pac: "What do you mean, what do I want, man? Chill out, Benoit. Damn, man!" "What'd you say?" Show: "Hey, Wolverine. He said take it easy. Okay?" "Hey, you know - they have been gettin' their asses handed to 'em all night." The NWO yuks it up. Benoit thinks about going for 'Pac, but Show tells him "easy, bro, easy." Nash: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, listen. As good as you two are, remember - there's strength in numbers." They walk off - but Michaels backs back into the picture. "And by the way, Big Daddy Kev's got some important things to say - you two...might wanna listen up."

THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Highlights of Rock's high spots - no doubt all suggested by Vince Russo (heh)

THE NWO hits the ring - too bad *they're* in black and white, and the RAW Credits and "Transmitido en espanol SAP" box aren't, but who thinks that far ahead? (They USED to.) Commentators say Triple H hasn't been heard from since we heard the NWO talking about him last week. The second TV-14-DLV-CC hour kicks off with Michaels. He's gon' stand in council and filibuster, eef you weell. "The NWO - you're either with us, or you're against us. Now, at King of the Ring, all of you saw it - Triple H was definitely WITH us." Let Us Take You Back to King of the Ring - courtesy WWE Home Video. "That still brings a tear to my eye! Now, you all know that as of last week, we have extended the offer to Triple H to come back home - to come back where he belongs - you see, about five years ago myself, Kevin Nash, Kid, Scott Hall, Show you weren't here yet, and Triple H, we were a...pretty powerful group in this line o' work. We traveled up and down the roads together, we trained together, we got uh...we got hammered together - we uh, not proud of it, but we carried one another to our rooms. You name it, and ah...and we did it. But, at twenty plus days a month on the road with each other, each other was all we had." Audible voice in crowd: "Get to the point!" "We were family. Now Triple H, we've extended this offer, and as of right now, we've heard absolutely no reply from you. So...at this time it's very important for me to inform you that the NWO, although we are a very forgiving family, we will in no way be ignored by anyone. You, Triple H, need us a heck of a lot more than we need you. I mean, look at you - you used to be one of the biggest, baddest SOBs in this company, and now, you come out here...you extend your arms, flex your back, and for what? All for the approval of the faaanz. Triple H...two weeks. Two weeks you've got - you're either standing WITH us - or you're standing against us. Now Hunter, buddy...long before the NWO, there was the Clique - but just like the NWO, the Clique is 4 life. So in two weeks, at Vengeance, you will either make the best decision of your life, or you will make the LAST decision of your life." Nash: "For the last three months, I been sittin' around here injured, watchin' my friends have all the fun, beatin' everybody's ass week in and week out. As you can clearly see, I'm in my gear tonight. I've been medically cleared! And you know what, Big Sexy's got a lot of uh - aggression - a lot of uh - emotion built up inside of him. And what I really want...is a little physical contact tonight. So let's see...Booker T's been runnin' his mouth, what should we do here - he's kinda got a couple of friends with him. I say...why don't we allow Benoit and Guerrero to join us tonight in a ten man tag...against Booker T., Fairydust, the two Dudleys...and since we've always been talkin' about strength in numbers, hey guys, either get a fifth guy or don't, we'll take the advantage. But tonight, there's a ten man tag - and it's gonna happen in Philly. And Hunter, I know you're watchin', 'cause it's RAW. And I know you're not gonna turn your back on family - but if you do...Hunter, what I do to Booker tonight, I'm gonna do to you."

Ric Flair is WALKING!

"Confidential" ad - Torrie Wilson walks around Idaho! BOY!

The Extreme Blast of the Night is brought to you by the JVC Tower of Power! From SmackDown!, Edge and Hogan take the tag titles - that Edge sure is a Real American

RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds - with SmackDown! in Atlantic City hype) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235 pounds)
referee: NICK PATRICK
This is certainly an.....*interesting* way to make use of Ric Flair, isn't it? I rolled my eyes there, in case you couldn't tell. Flair's got black trunks tonight, by the way. Still to come, that huge ten man tag! WHOA! In an unbelievably shocking display of continuity, Richards uses *Kronik's* music on his way to the ring! Lockup, side headlock by Richards, Flair powers out, Richards with the shoulderblock. Lockup, to the corner, Flair blocks the punch, switches positions and chops. Right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Chop! Right, left, right, left, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Patrick finally gets Flair out of the corner. There's an onsale crawl on the bottom of the screen, by the way. Chop! Right hand. Richards crawls to an adjacent corner. Left, right, left, right, left, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Woooo! Chop! Left, right, taken through the ropes to the outside. Flair decides he'll go after him, too. Chop! Left, right, right, right, right, right. Patrick is out so he doesn't have to count them out. Richards back in, Flair back in - kick by Flair. Into the opposite corner is reversed, big back body drop by Richards. Richards chops, chop, into the ropes, Flair hooks the ropes as Richards misses a dropkick. Flair struts - woooo! - off the ropes with an elbowdrop. Richards stood in the corner - chop - right, left, right, woooo!, into the ropes, head down, Richards grabs the facelock but Flair blocks the suplex attempt, elbows the ribs, chops, death suplex - now! - figure four. Richards taps. (3:43) Nothing happening here, folks - let's move on

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"WrestleMania X8" ad #3

THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Rock sings...a lot

KING BROCK LESNAR & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL hit the ring to stand in council. Heyman appears to wait for an "ECW" chant that doesn't happen. "Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of the extreme, I fear not reprisals from my enemies, for I walk with the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar. You see, Brock Lesnar and I have a very keen interest in the main event at Vengeance - The Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle vs. The Rock for the Undisputed Championship - because whoever leaves Vengeance with the title will be the sacrifical lamb at SummerSlam in the champion vs. champion match against Brock Lesnar...or haven't you heard the news? You see, the match at Vengeance between the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar and Rob van Dam is now for the intercontinental championship. And let me go on record right now by saying not only will Brock Lesnar decimate Rob van Dam at Vengeance, but Brock Lesnar will leave Vengeance the intercontinental champion. And you see, ladies and gentlemen, I...I can make that prediction, I can make that evaluation because right here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - like you had anything to do with it, I MADE Rob van Dam. I CREATED RVD! Better yet, to be honest with everybody, Brock, I didn't just create RVD, I exploited RVD - just like I exploited the Dudleys, just like I exploited Tommy Dreamer, and Rhyno, and Tajiri, all to satiate the bloodthirsty appetite of *these* Philadelphia animals. Because, Brock Lesnar, the moral of this story is, it was these Philadelphia animals that crowned me the Mad Scientist, they called me, Brock, a genius. And because the animals in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania called me a genius, I was able - I was able to sign the man that will dominate this industry for the next ten to twenty years, I was able to sign Brock Lesnar. All by exploiting the blood--" "Excuse me, excuse me - I was just listening in the back and I needed to come out here." Hey it's TOMMY DREAMER! He *does* get a bona-fide ECW chant, ha. "You didn't make anybody! Every single person that busted their ass in ECW did it because they loved this business! And they love performing in front of these fans!" "Are you done? Excuse me, Tommy Dreamer, I mean are you done? Because if you are done, maybe you can take your extreme reputation and go in the back eat some wacky things, or stick your head in the toilet and drink the water, or do something that you're *good* at now." "Before, I was the so-called crazy guy that ate strange things, I WAS the Innovator of Violence! And there is no beating that Brock Lesnar can give me that I can't take. So Brock, right now, if you want, let's take it - to the - EXTREME!" Dreamer swings his Singapore cane to Lesnar's shins, again, in the ring, stick, stick, stick is caught, but Dreamer kicks him low, Lesnar lets go, and Dreamer gets him in the head. Lesnar outside, Dreamer after - chair in the ring, chair in the ring, got the cane - whack! Dreamer inside and positioning the chairs for a powerbomb 'twixt them - Heymen hits the ring and forearms Dreamer in the back - NO SALE! Dreamer wants to powerbomb *Heyman* but Lesnar is in to make the save. Stomp. Dreamer falls outside - Lesnar follows - there's a Move With a Crappy Name out on the floor! Dreamer twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE. Meanwhile, POINTS TO SELF is in the ring to give Heyman a spinning heel kick. van Dam with a dropkick through the ropes as Lesnar climbs to the apron - van Dam with a pescado! Jumping kick! van Dam finds *another* chair and hits the ring - van Dam climbing up top - Heymen is in an adjacent corner - looks like it's time for a Van Terminator! Our friendly director manages to use a mid-move camera cut to make it look like van Dam actually connects, too! (Does that make it a Van Silfesenator?) Lesnar grabs Heyman and drapes him over his shoulder as we take a replay without the cut. van Dam really should go after Lesnar here, right? Or check on Dreamer on the oustide? No, no, no, dummy! He has to *pose in the ring some more!*

Well, at least Dreamer has *finally* managed to appear on RAW more times than Raven has since they had that "loser never appears again on RAW" match, making that gimmick actually feel like it has some meaning... Hey, you know something, that gimmick worked SO WELL...that they haven't bothered to repeat it ONCE with any other wrestlers? No, they opted instead to simply brand some wrestlers as "Heat-exclusive" without the formality of a RAW match, yuk yuk.

Catch this crew soon in Lakeland, Daytona Beach, Bethlehem, and East Rutherford for RAW!

MOMENTS AGO, Rob van Dam did this, and this - and that

JONATHAN COACHMAN is in the front row to interview PAT CROCE - who may wish to consider switching to decaf. They shill the New TNN's upcoming series, "Slam Ball," premiering 3 August.

WWE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: JEFF HARDY (challenger - Cameron, North Carolina - 219 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - and "Meet Jeff Hardy in Seattle" hype) v. WILLIAM REGAL (champion - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds)
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
Hardy ducks, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed but Hardy springs off with a crossbody for 2. Right, kick, into the corner is reversed, Hardy up top, twisting somersault kick gets 2. Cover, 1. Cover, 1. Hardy with a double leg, and speaking in tongues legdrop. Regal finally pulls him through the ropes to the outside - then follows and rams him into the STEEL steps. Shoved into the ropes for the bounces back to the floor. Regal kicks. Hardy put back on the apron - and Regal bashes his head against the mat. "Regal sux!" chant. Regal makes a face as he comes back in. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Double underhook - butterfly powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Wasn't that one of his finishers? Regal stomps again. Stomp. European uppercut and Hardy hits the apron. Hardy manages a headbutt through the ropes - sunset flip back in - completes it - 1, 2, no! Right by Hardy, whip is reversed into the Union Jack - 1, 2, NO! Well, so much for Regal's finishers tonight. Uppercut knee by Regal, running knee off the ropes (oh, Shining Wizard? Feh) - 1, 2, no. Choke on the bottom rope by Regal. Like Charlotte Church, Regal just waves hello! Regal grapevines the leg and applies a chinlock and neck vice. No submission here - Hardy with a right, right, breaks the hold, off the ropes but runs into a back elbow. Regal with an elbowdrop - 1, 2, Hardy kicks out. Double underhook - going for another powerbomb but Hardy counters with an armdrag! Into the ropes, ducks, crossbody by Hardy gets 2. Regal with a kick, throws Hardy out to the floor, then starts to undo a turnbuckle cover. Took too long - Hardy with a dropkick in the back. Clothesline takes Regal down - Hardy climbing up - swantonbomb! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European champion. (4:24) Replay shows that Hardy actually connected with a hell of a lot more of his back than he has in a long long while. Hardy does a lot of looking at the belt, then not looking at the belt - in time with the music. It's hypnotic! Belt...shiny!

"WrestleMania X8" ad #4

THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - "This Is Your Life's" "Poontang Pie" bit

THIS THURSDAY: The Rock Returns! Boy they're sure putting all their eggs in that one basket, aren't they? What do they do if even THIS isn't enough?

The graphic don't lie - at Vengeance, it's a Triple Threat Match - The Rock vs. Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle!

Backstage, Coach catches up with William Regal, who...breaks down and cries. Nowinski shows up to collect him...wow, male bonding

Meanwhile, Bubba Ray Dudley talks to...? "Hey - you know what I'm talkin' about - we been through a lot together, especially in this town - five minutes up the road in that bingo hall that everybody used to make fun of - the place where we made our reputations - where I kicked your ass and yeah, even some times you kicked mine, but we did it for one reason - just to get here - just to get to WWE. So when they came to us and they said that we had to find a partner for the ten man tag tonight, I looked at Spike and I said, who's the most extreme? Who's the most hardcore guy that we know that'll step in there with us and go toe to toe with the NWO, Benoit and Guerrero? We think that man is you. And if we don't draw the line right now, the NWO is gonna walk over everybody. So what's it gonna be? I say do it for yourself, do it for your roots, do it for this town...but most of all, do it...because you're Rob van Dam." van Dam nods - and they all do the Wonder Twins hand touch. Wow, and I was *convinced* it would be Kane.

EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT (457 pounds - with Subway presents Vengeance! - and Smokin' Joe Frazier is in the front row tonight!) and THE NWO (1050 pounds - with Shawn Michaels) v. AD BREAK

EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT & NWO (with Shawn Michaels) v. ROB VAN DAM (intercontinental champion) & BUBBA RAY DUDLEY & SPIKE DUDLEY & GOLDUST & BOOKER T. (1216 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
When van Dam's music hits, they don't even bother to take a reaction shot from any of the men in the ring - so much for the dramatic element of the *surprise* pick for the fifth man, huh? van Dam is happy to start - he faces X-Pac. Dueling missing roundhouses. Lockup, side headlock by X-Pac, grinding it in - powered out by van Dam, splits under X-Pac, monkey flip. Arm wringer, X-Pac with an elbow, elbow, whip into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog as X-Pac rolls under, kick caught, stepover heel kick by van Dam, backflip press, 1, 2, no. Tag to Goldust. Kick by Goldust, into the ropes, atomic drop, clothesline. Right hand in the corner, right, X-Pac reverses - right, right, into the opposite corner, but X-Pac runs into a 100MPH powerslam. Tag to Bubba Ray. Right. Scoop...and a slam - off the ropes with an elbowdrop, elbowdrop, bust a move axehandle gets 2. Tag to Spike. Man, it's beat up on 'Pac night. Top rope axehandle. Into the ropes is reversed, but Spike hits a head scissors. X-Pac FINALLY hits a death suplex to tag out. Benoit. Kick, into the ropes, knee in the gut. Gourdbuster. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, tag to Guerrero. Bodyslam by Benoit, slingshot senton in by Guerrero. Man, Spike is the X-Pac for the other team, wot? Into the ropes, Spike ducks, Spike takes the back elbow. Elbow by Guerrero, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, reversed, Spike with a dropkick. Tag to van Dam but Guerrero gets the jump - kick, elbow, elbow, elbow, into the corner, out of the corner is reversed, monkey flip out by van Dam. Guerrero ducks, blind tag by Benoit - kick, kick, kick on van Dam. Death suplex. Scoop...and a slam. Tag to Show. Well it's the big headbutt. Shoved into the corner. Well it's the big open-handed slap. Well it's the big hiptoss. The pace has...what's the opposite of "quickened?" Well it's the big half hour suplex. "Who wants some?" X-Pac gets the tag - drops the knee - three times. 'Pac with a pose while choke van Dam with his shin. Chop! In the corner so let's get that kick trifecta ticked off the checklist. Into the ropes, van Dam rolls under the clothesline and lands a kick. Scoop by van Dam...and a slam. Springs up - but Michaels crotches him before he can go airborne. 'Pac with a forearm. Drops the knee, knee, knee to a choke. Into the ropes, head down, van Dam goes back to back over him, then lands the jumping spin kick. Tag to Bubba Ray Dudley - Dudley with a right, free shots for Guerrero, Benoit and Show (only Guerrero sells it) clothesline for 'Pac - Show is in - clothesline by Dudley, nope - another clothesline and Show doesn't leave his feet. Did he tag in or something? Dudley tries again but Michales ankles him before he can come off the ropes - Dudley grabs Michaels (!) but Show gets him in the back. Show with a big death suplex. Meanwhile, van Dam has run around the ring to pull Michaels off the apron (hey, that's almost a bump!) and the chase is on - up the ramp and to the back - but KING BROCK LESNAR is waiting at the top with a clothesline for van Dam! Michaels goes into a pony dance. Lesnar with an F-5 on the STEEL (Ross: "CONCRETE!") stage! Meanwhile, back in the ring - scoop...and well it's the big slam. Tag to Benoit. Stomp. Into the corner. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Dudley gets a hard whip into the opposite corner. As we see van Dam getting help backstage, only one man can help them now - one man...named *Justin Credible.* Maybe not. Tag to Guerrero - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, big back body drop by Dudley - there's the tag and for the first time in this match, Booker T is in! Forearm for Guerrero! X-Pac comes in and HE gets a clothesline! Forearm for Benoit! Another for X-Pac! Harlem sidekick for X-Pac! Free shot for Nash on the apron! Back to X-Pac - kick - off the ropes but Nash forearms him in the back. Nash gets the tag - Diesels over the top rope - crowd comes alive - T into the ropes, ducks the swing - but eats a big big boot. Nash to the corner to give Bubba Ray a free shot...but suddenly clutches his left knee and collapses. Hebner immediately rushes to check on him as it all breaks down (in more ways than one) - we got us a Pier Nine Brawl here - I think Hebner just made the super secret "he's really hurt" sign (crossing his arms above his head) and now they're screwed. With Nash and T most likely involved in the finish, half of the participants are most likely unable to continue. Michaels rams Goldust into the ringpost, whispers to Show (who goes to whisper to Hebner), then picks up T so he can give him Sweet Chin Music - then pulls over Show, who covers - then decides he'd better also give him ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - Show says "let's go" and covers - 1, 2, 3. Wow, that sure was bizarre. (9:28) Michaels has THE STICK but the attention turns to Nash. Getting the word from Hebner, Michaels motions for the music to be cut. "Triple H - what you see here is your future - at Vengeance you will either stand tall with the NWO [LIKE NASH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ohhh no], or you will end up face down like all the rest." Play their music again! We take a replay of the superkick...and the chokeslam...and the "let's go" pin. When we come back, trainer CHRIS I FORGOT HIS LAST NAME is out - he and Show help Nash walk up the ramp, and that sound you hear is the raising of eyebrows all across the nation at the timing of another Nash injury. Credits are up and we out.