Tomorrow, I hope you'll visit slashwrestling.com for our
Third Annual HYPEBRATION, coincidentally commemorating the third
anniversary of the opening of [slash] wrestling! Heck, why not visit it
TODAY and kick off the party early?
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 13.09 (- .91, last year: 14.65, two years ago: 21) WHAT positive earnings report?
TONIGHT: No, we *ain't* talking about tonight - we're gonna watch the end of the Taker/Angle match instead! Mr. McMahon has a MAJOR announcement at the top of the hour and that's ALL that you get, so that'll have to hold you for the next fifteen! Baaaaaaaah
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Let Us Take You Back to Thursday, 'cause it's a whole other show
From...somewhere, it's BILLIONAIRE VINCE to mug for the camera...and also wish us a "Good evening. Based upon the fact that last week the Undertaker defended the Undisputed championship against Jeff Hardy on RAW and against Kurt Angle on SmackDown!, I have taken the liberty of giving The Undertaker a well-deserved night off. Furthermore, the Undertaker is preparing to welcome...The Rock back to SmackDown! this Thursday night. However, due to the controversy surrounding the Kurt Angle vs. Undertaker match, the highlights of which you've just witnessed, and in the interest of fairness, the main event at Vengeance will now be Kurt Angle vs. The Rock....vs. The Undertaker in a triple threat matchup for the Undisputed WWE Championship. Thank you." Hmm, Vince *again* failed to tell us how he's going to make it up to SmackDown! for moving Benoit over to RAW...
Oh, Those Opening Credits - they refuse to see the change in me, WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP
GIMPYRO! Coming to you live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA 8.7.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on the New TNN and TSN this is WWE RAW! ECW! ECW! ECW! Wait...we don't do that anymore, do we. Man, you need to read the "One Year Ago" report!
As BOOKER TIO hits the ring, we learn that tonight Bubba Ray Dudley will take on Chris Benoit. "Kill my music! Wassup Philly! You know, we gon' cut to the chase. You know, all week long, only thing I hear is 'Book, you better watch yo back - Book, the NWO *promised* to take you out for what you did to X-Pac.' Well I tell you what - NWO can do whatever the hell they wanna do to me - I ain't worried about that. But I tell you what - I'm gonna make you a promise tonight. The first promise is I won't be screamin', moanin' and groanin' like that Chuck E. Cheese, rat-faced punkass X-Pac. And the second thing is, y'see, I don't want it backstage, see, I don't want it in the parking lot. I want it right here, right now, in this ring. Yeah, I might get my ass kicked, but like my daddy said, you got to bring some to get some. Like my daddy said, get some want some, you better be big and bad enough to take some! And like my daddy said, he said just one more thing, he said 'son, now can u dig that....suckaaaaaa?'" T to the corner. "Get some!" But that's not the NWO - it's EDDIE GUERRERO. Guerrero asks for the mic - and T lets him have it. Everywhere I put ellipses is probably Eddie talkin' in a language I don't speak. "Orale, holmes. Ese - who you calling a sucker, vato? 'cause you know what, ese, if anybody's a (mamon?), if anybody's a sucker it's you, holmes. ...ese, you know what, the NWO, they promised to kick your ass...it's gonna be on their terms. Not on yours, holmes. You know, man, last week - the Dudleys, they cheated me out of my win, ese, and I promised Benoit and myself that this week I was gonna do something. I was gonna take out my frustrations on the first (chapete?) that ran his mouth. And that...it's obviously you, holmes." T takes a poke at him - right, right, right, Guerrero goes behind, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big back body drop by Booker - Charles Robinson hits the ring and a bell rings - hey, I guess this *is* a match!
BOOKER T. v. EDDIE GUERRERO - Right by T, clothesline, T grabs the arm and strikes with the back kick - right, right, chop, chop, chop, Guerrero right, T whips, reversed, reversed back and T knees the gut. T wants the axe kick but Guerrero decides to dropkick him in the knee instead, putting him on the mat. Guerrero stomps - stomp, stomp, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp. Rollup - 1, no. Stomp. Into the ropes, back elbow. Again stomping the knee. Guerrero with feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no. Elbow to the head, right, right, right, right, right, right. "Eddie sucks!" Elbow. Another elbow to the back of the head. Right, right, right, right, right, T reverses - T right, right, right, Guerrero with a single leg, elbowdrop on the leg, stomp, somethin' in Spanish. T shot into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero ducks, but eats a Harlem sidekick on the rebound. T clutches his leg but get back up - Guerrero with a gutshot - almost a brainbuster there, 1, 2, nope. Death suplex from Guerrero. Off the ropes, off the other ropes, Blockbuster-like rolling neck snap (!) gets Guerrero 2. Guerrero with an elbow, right, into the opposite corner, T up and over, crisscross rollup - 1, 2, 3! We wait a few seconds but DO ring the bell - Booker T is your winner. (3:12) Guerrero tries a swing after the bell but T ducks - and gives Guerrero a superkick. T says it's time...but before he can start spinning, CHRIS BENOIT is out to take T down and now the double stompdown is on. Bring on GOLDUST - he means well, but also ends up on the wrong side of a doubleteam. But *now* BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY hit the ring with chairs in hand - Guerrero escapes but Benoit takes a WHACK in the back courtesy Bubba Ray before getting out of the ring. Play...Booker T's music? Okay!
HE'S COMING - a lot closer look at him this time
Backstage, Goldust catches up with T. "Booker - yes! BookDust is once again victorious! May I have your hand?" Goldust grabs his hand and puts his other hand on his hip, and they start..a tango. "Booker T and Gol-DUST! Booker T and Goldust!" "MAN! What the hell is wrong witchoo?" "Nothin'!" "We ain't outta the woods yet. Only thing this mean is the NWO is gonna take me or you later." "Not necessarily. I have derived yet another plan to ensure--" "Look, man. You and your plans. Didn't you get enough last week? You GON' get yo ass whooped again!" "Peharps. But like you said...if I'm goin' down...like a rugged young Jon Bon Jovi in Young Guns 2, well then I'm goin' (inhales) down...in a blaze...of glory... (bites)" Goldust tangos off. "Man you're losin' your..." spotting X-Pac, T says "It's on now!" and superkicks him...only to discover it isn't really X-Pac, but a pretzel vendor looking like X-Pac. "Get yo ratty ass up - oh...oh, dawg! Oh, dawg!" T puts the pretzels in his lap. "You all right." Then he comes back, steals a pretzel and walks off. Once a thief...
Jonathan Coachman can't contain his shit eatin' grin as he is bookended by Trish Stratus and Jackie Gayda. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Molly and Jackie had a tussle, then Trish pantsed Molly, and....no, that's it. "I think Molly got what she had coming to her...in the end." "That's funny! I thought that fight started between me and Molly, though. Yet, somehow Miss Trish Stratus seemed to get involved. I think it's because you're jealous of me." "Jealous of what?" "Well, standing head and shoulders over you...and I am beautiful, and I DO have quite a body...it's obvious you're jealous. You're jealous of all the attention I got during Tough Enough. You're jealous of the fact that even before I ever stepped foot in a WWE ring, I got attention." "Somebody sounds like they're living in a fantasy world--" Wow, here comes Chris Nowinski to find a way to add even LESS acting talent to this mix. "As a fellow Tough Enough and Harvard graduate, I couldn't help but overhear. Now if anyone's living in a fantasy world, it's you, Trish. I mean, what's the deal with that cowboy hat, anyway? Is it mandatory for everyone in this company to have the mental acumen and dress like they're coming from a seven year old's birthday party?" "You know what - why don't we settle this little discussion out in the ring in a mixed tag match. It'll be the kids from Tough Enough - Jackie Gayda and uh...Mr. Havard over there, versus me and a partner." "Trish, that's fine but...who are you gonna get as a partner? I mean, Roy Rogers? Wait wait wait - how 'bout the Lone Ranger? Hi ho silver! Wait, no no - how 'bout Yosemite Sam! That'd be great!" "Actually, you're gettin' close, Einstein. My partner'll be...Bradshaw." They leave Chris and Jackie to fail to register any sort of emotion. Could Tori have been making SO much more money that they felt they had to replace her with Jackie?
Check out the SmackDown! crew in Atlantic City, Ottawa, St. Johns, Binghamton and Wilkes-Barre!
THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Rock sexually harrasses Lilian Garcia
CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds - with Eddie Guerrero...and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. BACKSTAGE...
The Dudleys are taken aback. "What in the frickin' hell are you?" It's Goldust, dressed as....well. "What do you mean? It is I, Ben Franklin! Travelling through time to bring you both a very important message! I saw what you did for Booker T & Goldust - and that got me to thinking! Ha ha ha ha ha! I think you should join forces with Booker T & Goldust and take care of the NWO! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "First of all, Ben Franklin does NOT laugh like Santa Claus, and secondly, we went out there earlier to take care of Benoit & Guerrero. We don't even like, nor give a damn about Booker T and...Goldust! We don't even like them." "Like? What's like got to do with anything? You think all of our founding fathers liked each other? Not all the time, no they didn't! Sometimes I just wanted to punch Thomas Jefferson right in the gonads but I didn't! No, I didn't. We're all in this thing together, fighting the British! You're all in this thing together, fighting the NWO!" "We're not fighting the NWO. C'mon, Spike, I got a match." "Well....when the NWO's finished with Booker T & Goldust, ohhhh boy you'll be sorry, by crikey!"
Benoit & Guerrero look *thrilled* to have been able to watch that on the big screen, by the way.
CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrero) v.
BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325
pounds - with Spike Dudley)
"WrestleMania X8" for the Nintendo GameCube ad
Wow, we're like 35 minutes in and except for the backstage stuff, we've seen the same six people. I don't rightly know what that means, but I *do* think it's interesting enough to mention here...
Well, I guess we're close enough - Christopher Nowinski takes us on a tour of Harvard. "I decided on Harvard because...when they said they wanted me to come here I couldn't turn them down. Ah, this is historic Harvard Stadium, the oldest football stadium in the country, erected in 1904. You know, Harvard football has no equals on this campus, there is no rivalry between... in any other sport (laughs) Harvard/Yale football is the only game of any significance here. I mean there's more sports at Harvard then any school in the country, there's 41 sports here. It's really a jock school! But...fulla nerd jocks. Right here they have the head of the Charles every year, which is the biggest crew race in the country, and probably half a million people are lined up on the river watching it. When there's a football game that same day and usually it kinda hurts our crowd a bit, and I just can't understand why people would rather watch people row boats than watch a game. The boathouse has absolutely no significance whatsoever...it's just where the butch girls are hangin' out. (laughs)"
The WWE camerman takes us on a tour of the parking lot! It's ALMOST as exciting!
Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY & JERRY.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week for Highlights of the Ladder Match
Earlier Tonight, Jeff Hardy arrived - and was STILL feeling his side from the punishment of that match - or else he just forgot to eat (food) again and his tummy was rumbling. Ric Flair meets him with a handshake. "Jeff, how are you, man? I wanted to grab you and pull you aside for a moment, just to tell you that that match that you had last week with The Undertaker was one of the greatest performances I've ever seen in my day." "I was THIS close." "You're on your way, man. I'm real proud of you. A lotta guts, man." "First off all, can I just say WOOOO! coming from you, man, that means a lot." "Well, I'm honoured, but I see you got a big European title match tonight with Regal. He's a tough customer, man." "Right on." "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm cool, man. I live for the moment. I'll be all right. Thank you." "Knock it down. It's all you, buddy." Hardy walks off and we pan left to see that Steven Richards put down his paper and join the House of Sarcastic Clapping People. "Very moving speech, Mr. Flair. I have one question. When you were talking about 'your day,' did you mean the Roaring Twenties...or the Jurassic Period?" "You talkin' to me?" "Yeah - yeah, I'm talkin' to you. Because it's guys like you - like the legend, Ric Flair, who quite frankly if you want my honest opinion, you haven't looked that legendary as of late, Ric. It's guys like YOU that have taken the spotlight away from Steven Richards! Yeah, I have a problem with that - because your time has passed. Your run - your last big run - is over." "Steven Richards, say no more. I'd like you tonight, and if my run is to end, let's end it right now - I don't think you're man enough to end ANYTHING that's got my name on it." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "You think so?" "Yeah." "Fine - fine." "I'm sure of it." Richards throws a right hand and catches Flair off guard, taking him off his feet. Richards walks off - Flair seems pissed...but before he gets up and runs after him, we head to the break
"WrestleMania X8" ad #2
The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by the science fiction thriller "Eight Legged Freaks!" From last week, Nowinski pins Bradshaw in a nontitle match that actually didn't take much longer than these clips
STRATUS (Toronto, Canada) and BRADSHAW (Hardcore champion -
Sweetwater, Tejas - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, JVC's Tower
of Power HX Series, and Honda!) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI & JACKIE GAYDA in
a mixed tag
Backstage with Benoit and Guerrero. "Those son of a bitches are going to pay!" "Ese you don't think I'm annoyed too, ese? I mean, come on, man. first the Dudleys come in on my match, holmes? And then Booker T & Goldust come in on yours, ese? I mean, what's going on, man? Ese, can this night possibly get any worse, ese?" Meanwhile, the NWO has been walking by... "Well what the hell do you want?" X-Pac: "What do you mean, what do I want, man? Chill out, Benoit. Damn, man!" "What'd you say?" Show: "Hey, Wolverine. He said take it easy. Okay?" "Hey, you know - they have been gettin' their asses handed to 'em all night." The NWO yuks it up. Benoit thinks about going for 'Pac, but Show tells him "easy, bro, easy." Nash: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, listen. As good as you two are, remember - there's strength in numbers." They walk off - but Michaels backs back into the picture. "And by the way, Big Daddy Kev's got some important things to say - you two...might wanna listen up."
THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Highlights of Rock's high spots - no doubt all suggested by Vince Russo (heh)
THE NWO hits the ring - too bad *they're* in black and white, and the RAW Credits and "Transmitido en espanol SAP" box aren't, but who thinks that far ahead? (They USED to.) Commentators say Triple H hasn't been heard from since we heard the NWO talking about him last week. The second TV-14-DLV-CC hour kicks off with Michaels. He's gon' stand in council and filibuster, eef you weell. "The NWO - you're either with us, or you're against us. Now, at King of the Ring, all of you saw it - Triple H was definitely WITH us." Let Us Take You Back to King of the Ring - courtesy WWE Home Video. "That still brings a tear to my eye! Now, you all know that as of last week, we have extended the offer to Triple H to come back home - to come back where he belongs - you see, about five years ago myself, Kevin Nash, Kid, Scott Hall, Show you weren't here yet, and Triple H, we were a...pretty powerful group in this line o' work. We traveled up and down the roads together, we trained together, we got uh...we got hammered together - we uh, not proud of it, but we carried one another to our rooms. You name it, and ah...and we did it. But, at twenty plus days a month on the road with each other, each other was all we had." Audible voice in crowd: "Get to the point!" "We were family. Now Triple H, we've extended this offer, and as of right now, we've heard absolutely no reply from you. So...at this time it's very important for me to inform you that the NWO, although we are a very forgiving family, we will in no way be ignored by anyone. You, Triple H, need us a heck of a lot more than we need you. I mean, look at you - you used to be one of the biggest, baddest SOBs in this company, and now, you come out here...you extend your arms, flex your back, and for what? All for the approval of the faaanz. Triple H...two weeks. Two weeks you've got - you're either standing WITH us - or you're standing against us. Now Hunter, buddy...long before the NWO, there was the Clique - but just like the NWO, the Clique is 4 life. So in two weeks, at Vengeance, you will either make the best decision of your life, or you will make the LAST decision of your life." Nash: "For the last three months, I been sittin' around here injured, watchin' my friends have all the fun, beatin' everybody's ass week in and week out. As you can clearly see, I'm in my gear tonight. I've been medically cleared! And you know what, Big Sexy's got a lot of uh - aggression - a lot of uh - emotion built up inside of him. And what I really want...is a little physical contact tonight. So let's see...Booker T's been runnin' his mouth, what should we do here - he's kinda got a couple of friends with him. I say...why don't we allow Benoit and Guerrero to join us tonight in a ten man tag...against Booker T., Fairydust, the two Dudleys...and since we've always been talkin' about strength in numbers, hey guys, either get a fifth guy or don't, we'll take the advantage. But tonight, there's a ten man tag - and it's gonna happen in Philly. And Hunter, I know you're watchin', 'cause it's RAW. And I know you're not gonna turn your back on family - but if you do...Hunter, what I do to Booker tonight, I'm gonna do to you."
Ric Flair is WALKING!
"Confidential" ad - Torrie Wilson walks around Idaho! BOY!
The Extreme Blast of the Night is brought to you by the JVC Tower of Power! From SmackDown!, Edge and Hogan take the tag titles - that Edge sure is a Real American
RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina -
234 pounds - with SmackDown! in
Atlantic City hype) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235
"Triple H: The Game" DVD ad
"WrestleMania X8" ad #3
THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - Rock sings...a lot
KING BROCK LESNAR & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL hit the ring to stand in council. Heyman appears to wait for an "ECW" chant that doesn't happen. "Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of the extreme, I fear not reprisals from my enemies, for I walk with the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar. You see, Brock Lesnar and I have a very keen interest in the main event at Vengeance - The Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle vs. The Rock for the Undisputed Championship - because whoever leaves Vengeance with the title will be the sacrifical lamb at SummerSlam in the champion vs. champion match against Brock Lesnar...or haven't you heard the news? You see, the match at Vengeance between the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar and Rob van Dam is now for the intercontinental championship. And let me go on record right now by saying not only will Brock Lesnar decimate Rob van Dam at Vengeance, but Brock Lesnar will leave Vengeance the intercontinental champion. And you see, ladies and gentlemen, I...I can make that prediction, I can make that evaluation because right here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - like you had anything to do with it, I MADE Rob van Dam. I CREATED RVD! Better yet, to be honest with everybody, Brock, I didn't just create RVD, I exploited RVD - just like I exploited the Dudleys, just like I exploited Tommy Dreamer, and Rhyno, and Tajiri, all to satiate the bloodthirsty appetite of *these* Philadelphia animals. Because, Brock Lesnar, the moral of this story is, it was these Philadelphia animals that crowned me the Mad Scientist, they called me, Brock, a genius. And because the animals in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania called me a genius, I was able - I was able to sign the man that will dominate this industry for the next ten to twenty years, I was able to sign Brock Lesnar. All by exploiting the blood--" "Excuse me, excuse me - I was just listening in the back and I needed to come out here." Hey it's TOMMY DREAMER! He *does* get a bona-fide ECW chant, ha. "You didn't make anybody! Every single person that busted their ass in ECW did it because they loved this business! And they love performing in front of these fans!" "Are you done? Excuse me, Tommy Dreamer, I mean are you done? Because if you are done, maybe you can take your extreme reputation and go in the back eat some wacky things, or stick your head in the toilet and drink the water, or do something that you're *good* at now." "Before, I was the so-called crazy guy that ate strange things, I WAS the Innovator of Violence! And there is no beating that Brock Lesnar can give me that I can't take. So Brock, right now, if you want, let's take it - to the - EXTREME!" Dreamer swings his Singapore cane to Lesnar's shins, again, in the ring, stick, stick, stick is caught, but Dreamer kicks him low, Lesnar lets go, and Dreamer gets him in the head. Lesnar outside, Dreamer after - chair in the ring, chair in the ring, got the cane - whack! Dreamer inside and positioning the chairs for a powerbomb 'twixt them - Heymen hits the ring and forearms Dreamer in the back - NO SALE! Dreamer wants to powerbomb *Heyman* but Lesnar is in to make the save. Stomp. Dreamer falls outside - Lesnar follows - there's a Move With a Crappy Name out on the floor! Dreamer twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE. Meanwhile, POINTS TO SELF is in the ring to give Heyman a spinning heel kick. van Dam with a dropkick through the ropes as Lesnar climbs to the apron - van Dam with a pescado! Jumping kick! van Dam finds *another* chair and hits the ring - van Dam climbing up top - Heymen is in an adjacent corner - looks like it's time for a Van Terminator! Our friendly director manages to use a mid-move camera cut to make it look like van Dam actually connects, too! (Does that make it a Van Silfesenator?) Lesnar grabs Heyman and drapes him over his shoulder as we take a replay without the cut. van Dam really should go after Lesnar here, right? Or check on Dreamer on the oustide? No, no, no, dummy! He has to *pose in the ring some more!*
Well, at least Dreamer has *finally* managed to appear on RAW more times than Raven has since they had that "loser never appears again on RAW" match, making that gimmick actually feel like it has some meaning... Hey, you know something, that gimmick worked SO WELL...that they haven't bothered to repeat it ONCE with any other wrestlers? No, they opted instead to simply brand some wrestlers as "Heat-exclusive" without the formality of a RAW match, yuk yuk.
Catch this crew soon in Lakeland, Daytona Beach, Bethlehem, and East Rutherford for RAW!
MOMENTS AGO, Rob van Dam did this, and this - and that
JONATHAN COACHMAN is in the front row to interview PAT CROCE - who may wish to consider switching to decaf. They shill the New TNN's upcoming series, "Slam Ball," premiering 3 August.
WWE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: JEFF HARDY
(challenger - Cameron, North
Carolina - 219 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - and "Meet
Jeff Hardy in Seattle" hype) v. WILLIAM REGAL (champion - Blackpool,
England - 240 pounds)
"WrestleMania X8" ad #4
THE PEOPLE'S MOMENT - "This Is Your Life's" "Poontang Pie" bit
THIS THURSDAY: The Rock Returns! Boy they're sure putting all their eggs in that one basket, aren't they? What do they do if even THIS isn't enough?
The graphic don't lie - at Vengeance, it's a Triple Threat Match - The Rock vs. Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle!
Backstage, Coach catches up with William Regal, who...breaks down and cries. Nowinski shows up to collect him...wow, male bonding
Meanwhile, Bubba Ray Dudley talks to...? "Hey - you know what I'm talkin' about - we been through a lot together, especially in this town - five minutes up the road in that bingo hall that everybody used to make fun of - the place where we made our reputations - where I kicked your ass and yeah, even some times you kicked mine, but we did it for one reason - just to get here - just to get to WWE. So when they came to us and they said that we had to find a partner for the ten man tag tonight, I looked at Spike and I said, who's the most extreme? Who's the most hardcore guy that we know that'll step in there with us and go toe to toe with the NWO, Benoit and Guerrero? We think that man is you. And if we don't draw the line right now, the NWO is gonna walk over everybody. So what's it gonna be? I say do it for yourself, do it for your roots, do it for this town...but most of all, do it...because you're Rob van Dam." van Dam nods - and they all do the Wonder Twins hand touch. Wow, and I was *convinced* it would be Kane.
EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT (457 pounds - with Subway presents Vengeance! - and Smokin' Joe Frazier is in the front row tonight!) and THE NWO (1050 pounds - with Shawn Michaels) v. AD BREAK
EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT & NWO
(with Shawn Michaels) v. ROB VAN DAM (intercontinental champion) & BUBBA
RAY DUDLEY & SPIKE DUDLEY & GOLDUST & BOOKER T. (1216