TONIGHT: TRIPLE H RETURNS! Also Shawn Michaels! Also the new WWE Champion The Rock! And maybe - just maybe - there'll be a MATCH or two!

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - ah fuck, it's a big picture of Bischoff's mug instead of the WW logo - HEY! This is what makes people TURN OFF THE SHOW

Opening Credits probably DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BISCHOFF WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

BISCHOFFPYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, MI and transmitido en espanol SAP on the new TNN & TSN 22.7.2, it's WWE BISCHOFF and let's waste no time...

To your new favourite Jim Johnston original, "I'm Back," here comes THE WIFESWAPPER himself to kick off our show. We take a look at our hosts, now positioned next to the stage...amazingly enough, they have NOT been replaced in the first hour by Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. Yet. "Thank you SO, SO much! Oh! And I love each and every one of you, too. Which is why...tonight. I (Eric Bischoff) am bringing to you the Undisputed WWE Champion - The Rock is here tonight! You're welcome! But that's not all! Because I (Eric Bischoff) am also bringing you the man who is going to make THIS show the #1 show in the history of all of sports entertainment...the man who last night I stole from Stephanie McMahon, I bring to you the man who is going to be the myth and the next legend, the man who is ruthless aggression - my man - TRIPLE H!" And here he comes. You know, if Shawn Michaels were a REAL friend, HE'D have jumped to SmackDown! instead of convincing Triple H to leave the devil he knew...but then, who thinks this much except me, right? Man, entrances are *great* - let's just have entrances for two hours! "And tonight, I (Eric Bischoff)--" H stops him. "No, tonight, The Game brings you his best friend...the show stopper! The icon! SHAWN MICHAELS!" I'm sorry, this *isn't* WCW after all - it's the good ol' World Entrance Federation!! Big hugz between Michaels and H. Back to Eric! "Tonight...I (Eric Bischoff) bring you the combination of Triple H and Shawn Michaels! Uh uh, but that's not all, because tonight, right here on RAW, I am going to name THIS man, Shawn Michaels, to be the manager of The Game, Triple H! That's right! From now on, anytime you see Triple H in action, you're gonna see this man Shawn Michaels in his corner! From now on, when you see this man in feature films around the world, you're going to see this man right here, Shawn Michaels, in a supporting role! From now on...anything you see this man Triple H anywhere in the world, Shawn Michaels will not be far behind!" Michaels asks H for his mic and gets it. "Bischoff...heh hehe - I recognise you don't know me that well, and to be perfectly honest I've got no problem bein' Triple H's manager - I do, however, have a huge problem with YOU tellin' me ANYTHING!" "Well, you see...Shawn...I'm telling you you're going to be Triple H's manager *because* I'm Eric Bischoff. And you will BE Triple H's manager because...I am Eric Bischoff." Say, who's that guy in the ring with Michaels and Triple H? "Asshole" chant - well, that's ONE answer. "You see, Shawn Michaels...you don't have the stroke around here you had a couple years ago when you were pushing around Vince McMahon - I'm not Vince McMahon. I'm Eric Bischoff. And quite frankly, you don't have an alternative." "I recognise you're Eric Bischoff. And it's high time YOU recognise that I'm Shawn Michaels. I don't need stroke around here - I've been here for fifteen years - everybody knows I don't react to ultimatums real well. I don't know how you feel about this, and I'm really sorry buddy...but when I'm given a choice of your way or the highway...HBK *always* takes the highway." And he puts down the mic and leaves. "Well you go right ahead - you go right ahead - you take the highway, because if you do, you're walking out on every one of these fans - you're walking out on every fan around the world...*I* will not let you back." H isn't thrilled about this. "I tell you what - I'll tell you what, you're worried about what I'm doing - you should be worried about what you're doing. If this guy's your friend and you guys are as tight as everybody says you are, if I were you, I would go talk some sense into him." H flares his nostrils for dramatic effect...then leaves the ring, running up the ramp to try to catch Michaels backstage. Bischoff adjusts his coif. "Now that we have that taken care of...tonight, I (Eric Bischoff)... am going to unify the European championship and the interncontinental championship. Right here tonight! And as you can see above the ring, the Unified Intercontinental championship - that's right, the European champion Jeff Hardy must face RVD - the intercontinental champion in this unification match, oh but that's not all because I (Eric Bischoff) deem this unification match...to be a ladder match!"

We cut to backstage, where a camera following Triple H has caught up to Michaels' walking out, bags in hand - H tries to stop him but Michaels gets brusque. "Shawn--" "GET offa me." "Calm down!" "What do you mean, calm down?! I've got news for you, I've been around here for fifteen years. I have earned the right to do what I want. You of all people oughta know I've got a big problem with people tellin' me what to do. Look, I KNOW you came to RAW because o' me - but that was your choice. I did NOT choose to work for Eric Bischoff!" "Oh right - I came here because of you - and now you gonna walk out on me, Shawn? Huh? You gonna walk out on me? No, you're gonna walk out on everybody, it's not just me, it's the fans, too - Bischoff was right. What's the matter, Shawn, huh? Is it because he told you what to do? Would bein' my manager REALLY be that bad? You - with your back injury - you can't even work anymore. Shawn, would being by my side be THAT bad?" "Look! I of all people [that's twice he's said "of all people"] know that I am not the showstopper ANYMORE! But I have still got my pride. Where's it gonna stop? Checking you into the hotel, carrying your bags? YOU TELL ME!" "DAMMIT Shawn I'm not asking you to be my personal lackey! I'm askin' ya not to walk out the door. I'm asking you not to take your ball and go home like Stone Cold did. Please, Shawn - all I'm asking you to do is lets make the ride together. If you'd just calm down, Shawn, and just stay - let me think this through. I think I've got an idea that'll make this all work." "You'd better have a good idea." "Shawn, just stay, all right? 'cause I promise you...if I can work this out...this'll be damn good." Man, he should've just kissed him already.

Catch Team Blue tomorrow in Indianapolis! Saturday, Arkansas State U.! Sunday, Little Rock! Monday, Asheville! Tuesday, Charlotte! And Sunday, Richmond!

JEFF HARDY (European champion - Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds) v. ROB VAN DAM (Intercontinental champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) in a ladder match to unify the titles
Hardy walks underneath the ladder; van Dam does not. Chad Patton is outside the ring but ladder rules state he won't be neede 'til the end. Lockup, van Dam goes behind, standing switch, van Dam drops down with an armdrag, Hardy with a headscissors, both men back up. We go again. Lockup, side headlock by Hardy - van Dam powers out, Hardy up and over, van Dam with a dropkick but (I think) Hardy hooked the ropes and avoided contact. van Dam...goes for a cover? Well, they're rolling around on the mat - backing into the corner, Hardy punching the gut, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, Hardy up and tries to go over but the feel land on the shoulders...van Dam tries to pull Hardy out but finds himself on the wrong end of a headscissors takeover - van Dam against the ropes - Hardy clotheslines him out! Hardy grabs the ladder - van Dam back in - baseball slide dropkick to the ladder out! van Dam on the apron - moonsault to the floor! van Dam takes the ladder and sets it up under the title - Hardy just there in time - shot to the back - and pulls him hard into the centre. Stomp, stomp. Into the ropes is reversed, van Dam with the splits and Hardy is over - Hardy grabs van Dam's legs and does a split-legged double legdrop over them. Hardy puts the ladder inposition - climbing up - van Dam pulls him off, back first. van Dam grabs the ladder - Hardy up, dropkicking the ladder out of his hands. After sharing a look, each man leaves the ring on an opposite side and grabs another ladder from the floor. Two ladders in the ring, two men in the ring - there's a joust - they do it again - van Dam drops his ladder...so he hits Hardy's with a spin kick putting Hardy down. "RVD" chant will out volume squealing girls any day, I guess. Hardy placed on the ladder - van Dam off the ropes with a tumbling run splash. van Dam sets his own ladder underneath the belt and starts the climb - touching the belt - but Hardy is up after him - shots in the back - and a Russian legsweep off the ladder to the mat! Hardy puts his ladder on top of van Dam and climbs to the top - swantonbomb onto the ladder! That hurt both men but it looks like Hardy is up first. Foot Locker replay as Hardy starts up the ladder. van Dam up - climbing the opposite side - right, right, Hardy right, van Dam right, reaching but not finding, right, right, sunset flip over the top of the ladder and Hardy goes down powerbomb style! Give THAT a Foot Locker replay from the belt cam! van Dam drops the leg out of the spin - Hardy on the ladder - Rolling Thunder by Rob van Dam! Ladder standing again. Hey, remember last year when these guys were doing this for the hardcore title? Is this elevation? Hardy up - using HIS ladder to strike van Dam - Hardy climbing up - van Dam back kick, back kick, kicks out the ladder and Hardy flips to the mat. van Dam with a SPLASH from HIS ladder! Foot Locker replay of Hardy's tumble...and van Dam's (not a frog) splash - van Dam is up - he's gonna get it this time - got it. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new - 37th, and final - European champion. (6:58) From here on out (well, for tonight anyway) he's the "unified intercontinental champion." van Dam helps Hardy up and raises his hand post-match. Let's take one more replay of the final two moves.

Fleer WWE trading cards ad

Fix your steely gaze 'pon the glass exterior of the Van Andel arena - HEY WAIT A MINUTE! GLASS WALL! GLASS WALL! BISCHOFF IS KEEPING THEM...SIDEWAYS

CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI hits the ring as Ross shills next week's RAW in Greensboro - if it's North Carolina, bet that Ric Flair will be there! "First, I'd like to thank Mr. Bischoff for giving me the time to come out here and get something off my chest." Pause for "you suck" chant. "Because, ever since I've made my debut in the WWE, I've been perplexed as to why you people seem to hate me - just 'cause I'm a Harvard graduate! You people should be grateful to have someone of my intelligence in your presence. But I understand why you people can't relate to a guy like me, because after all, I AM a Harvard graduate. But you people should be excited! about what I'm gonna to bring to you and future generations of WWE fans - and that, my friends--" The music is up and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER drives out - damn, how did those STEEL steps rise up onto their ends and out of the way of - hey wait, I see DUDES there! They must be soulless minions of Big Evil's Red Devil Underwood Deviled Ham Team Evil. What? Nowinski is wisely begging off as Taker enters the ring. "I get it, I get it, I understand - you're, you're probably upset about losing your title last night - all right, you probably have something important to say so...here you go." Taker accepts the mic - and offers the INSIDE KNOWLEDGE HANDSHAKE! Nowinski shakes...but Taker doesn't let go. Taker shakes his head! Knee, knee, knee, into the opposite corner, running clothesline, gutshot, Last Ride. Then he says....nothing. Oh.

Hmm, I wonder how Eric Bischoff is doing? Let's go backstage. "You just saw it yourself, The Undertaker! The man is filled with ruthless aggression; he's an icon in sports entertainment! And Rhyno, that's what you're going to be when you hook up with me. I mean, this show is all about momentum, that's what I'm all about. That's what I've been telling you all day long. When you're ready, nine months is a long time, I know that you're filled with ruthless aggression. I know you. I know you inside and out, I've read about you, I've watched you, I know everything about you, which is why I want you here with me, side by side, makin' RAW the #1 show in sports entertainment around the world, whaddaya say?" "Thank you for the first class travels." "Hey hey hey, my pleasure." "You know what - when I'm ready to come back...you know what, let's just keep in touch. The pleasure's been all mine." "No...mine. You take care. You take care!" Bischoff turns back - and finds himself face to face with both Shawn Stasiak and D'Lo Brown. "Mr. Bischoff, please, can I have a moment of your--" "Man would you just shut up. Mr. Bischoff, could I get a moment of your time - I'm trying to get an opportunity to get on RAW - you know, HBO - help a brother out. I need to get on RAW, Mr. Bischoff, come on." Bischoff doesn't want to talk to either of them, but they persist. "All right...be careful what you ask for, you ever heard that one? Well, you're going to get it. Because I tell you what, I got a three minute hole in this show and I need to fill it. But here's the deal, gentlemen - I wanna see a winner, and not only do I want to see a winner...YOU need to entertain ME. Because if you don't, if you don't - if you bore me, God help you - neither one of you are gonna be able to leave that ring, because I'm gonna be forced to entertain these people and trust me...it is not going to be pretty. Now please...excuse me." Stasiak and Brown glare...and walk off in different directions.

This week on Confidential: Randy Orton! (Unless we find another hotshot hire to bump him)

TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario) and BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 325 pounds) v. MOLLY HOLLY (Women's Champion - Mobile, Alabama) and WILLIAM REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds) in balsamic, malted intergender action
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
Whoa, Molly and Regal teaming again! I almost forgot all about that! (I didn't.) Gents start. Lockup, no, European elbow by Regal, again, into the corner is reversed, Dudley with a back body drop out. Dudley's a one-armed man with a lot of tape on his left arm. Clothesline, clothesline, Regal crawls to Molly and gets a hug. There's a tag to Molly. Trish really wants the tag and Dudley doesn't want any part of Molly, so he turns his back to tag - but Molly gives him a shot in the back - and offers the test of strength! Dudley puts up his good hand - but switches hands when she does - this devolves into a dance routine from Bubba, so Molly hauls off and slaps him one. Dudley rares back...Molly flinches and Dudley decides instead to spank that ass. Comedic selling ensues. Now Stratus gets the tag - clothesline, Japanese armdrag, dropkick, elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed and Regal grabs a handful of hair to take her down. Molly with a Northern Lights suplex, but only gets 2. Tag to Regal!! Molly holds her open - Regal rares back but does not unleash the awesome power of his left hand. Instead, he applies an arm wringer, takes her over and gets 1 - then pulls her up. Ross calls her "Molly Holly," way to go. Leg trip. Regal fakes out a stomp on the face. Knee for Trish, free shot for Dudley. Two handfuls of hair - full nelson - but Stratus slips away and Molly's dropkick hits Regal instead! Stratus outta there, tagging in Dudley. Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes is reversed - Dudley grabs the full nelson, but Regal's trick knee acts up just in time to avoid a Bubbabomb. Molly climbing up - Dudley elbows out of Regal's full nelson (man, the full nelson sure ain't working tonight), sending Regal into the ropes and crotching Molly! Dudley with a clothesline on Regal, tag to Stratus - she's over with the handstand headscissors on Molly - Dudley puts her through the ropes as Dudley scoops - and slams Regal. "What Are You Doing?" by Stratus. "Trish!" but he stops short when his hands almost end up all over her headlights. Dudley decides to go get it himself. But in the ring, Regal gives Stratus a death suplex! And there's the Regal Stretch! Stratus taps out. (3:56) Looks like Molly had gotten Bubba to chase her up the ramp and he missed the chance to make a save.

Say, I wonder how Bischoff is doing? Let's go backstage. "Guys, three minutes are up, it's all you! You know what to do - I'll call you." We follow him to a chance meetings with "Chris Benoit! Man I've been waiting to see you again! It's been a long time, I gotta tell ya - hey, what a match you had last night, table match - you are tougher than hell. Which is why I've got no problem making a match tonight between you and Booker T, I mean, do you remember that series we had in WCW betwen you two? It was classic." "The best of seven." "Man, it was classic, and I wanna give the fans here on RAW, my show, I want Eric Bischoff to bring that same sense of excitement, that legacy of Chris Benoit, Booker T... to RAW. Now...there's a bright side; the winner gets a shot next week right here on RAW at the new unified intercontinental championship and Rob van Dam, and buddy, that could be you - and YOU, my friend, are all about ruthless aggression, which is why I love ya. Take care and good luck in the match tonight - I know you can do it. You the man - you are the man!" I guess I should point out the big portrait of Bischoff hanging on the wall of this hallway, too - okay. Hey, look at that big portrait of Bischoff hanging on the wall of this hallway! There.

The Rock! Carries the belt! While he is! WALKING!

Tough Enough 2 trainers shill Stacker 2

And now, the WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Tommy Dreamer bests Steven Richards in a Singapore cane match.

THE ROCK is out to make noise. But first, an extended screaming session from the fans - which Rock is happy to wait out. "FINALLY, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Grand Rapids! Now before The Rock says anything else, The Rock's not gonna be, The Rock is not gonna go ridin' motorcycles with The Undertaker, The Rock wouldn't be caught dead sharing a glass of milk with Kurt Angle, but after what happened last night at Vengeance, the triple threat match at Vengeance, The Rock has got two words to say to The Undertaker and Kurt Angle, quite simply this: thank you. Thank you, The Rock says thank you for makin' that match one of the most electrifying and exciting matches The Rock has ever seen! But that was last night, that was last night, last night, THIS - is tonight. And tonight, The Rock is here, doin' exactly what he said he was gonna do. The Rock told ol', ol' what's his name, Eric Jerkoff, Eric Jackoff, whatever, it doesn't matter what that jabrone's name is...oh yeah, The Rock told him that he was gonna come to RAW live Monday night, stand smack dab in the middle of the People's Ring THE Undisputed champion!" At this point, EDDIE GUERRERO interrupts. Yes, Eddie Guerrero. "Orale, orale, La Roca. Ese, (something else in Spanish), man, who do you think you are, holmes? You know, man, I gotta problem with you, ese." Crowd chants "Eddie!" only it sounds more like "Rock E!" "You see, hey, yeah, you I'm talkin' to you, Rock. You see, I got dos chavalitas at home - I got two little girls, ese, and they WORSHIP the ground that their father walks on, they idolise me, man. And you see, man, the other night when I walked in the room to say good night, for them to show their father the respect that he deserves, ese - I saw something very disturbing. See I looked at their wall and not only did that have a picture of me, but right next to that picture was a poster - of El Rey a la - a la ("Scorpion" in Spanish, I'm guessing), ese - The Rock. OOH, ese, ooh - Mr. Big Shot, ese - the movie star man. You know what, man? In my heart, I *knew* I had to teach my little chavalitas, my little girls a lesson - I had to show 'em discipline. So I got your poster, man, and I got it and I ripped it up and I burned it! And they ran after me going 'Daddy? Papa, papa, por queeee, por que, por que, whyyy, why did you rip that poster?' SHUT UUUUP! (Shouting in Spanish) Mia respeta - Don't disrespect me!" "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you sick psycopathic FREAK! Man what the hell's the matter with you, you actually talk to your kids like that? You actually talk to your kids like that, well The Rock says this: you come out running your mouth, hey, hey, you get it straight - The Rock ain't no movie star. So what, The Rock's done a couple movies, big deal, The Rock ain't no movie star - Eddie Guerrero - YOU are a movie star. Oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah, we all know that and The Rock will remind every single one o' ya - we seen all your movies, so congratulations, a string of hits, but The Rock was always wonderin', clear something up for The Rock - who were you - were, were you Cheech...or Chong?" "Ese ese, you know what man, that's exactly, that's exactly what I'm talkin' about, holmes. You don't respect NO ONE, ese. Huh. You know what, man... The reality, ese - man - you're jealous. You're jealous of me, man. You know what, man - see, you know and all these gavachos know that I'm the better wrestler, holmes. I'm more good looking. The People's Champion? Orale, ese, hey man - lemme tell you something, man. I got the hottest haircut goin' on in America today, man. NOBODY, ese, nobody can wear the mullet like I do. I mean, ese, come on, man, this should be called the People's Mullet." "The hottest haircut in America - the hottest haircut in America should be called the People's Mullet. Well let The Rock say this: with a haircut like that and a face like that, it looks like Billy Ray Cyrus went ahead and had sex with a retarded hyena." Jesus Christ, what are they giving BOTH of these guys to work with tonight? "Haha - hahahaha - ahahahaha - ese, you're funny, man - oh man, you're real funny, man. You know what, ese, I'm tired of getting direspected. Tonight, ese, just like I taught my kids a lesson in respecting their father, ese, I'm gonna teach YOU a lesson in how to respect me, and it starts tonight, ese. Orale man - in that ring, me and jew ese mano a mano and I'll tell you what, holmes - if and when I kick your ass and beat you, let's say, how 'bout you give me a shot at your WWE campeonato?" "You want a shot at The Rock tonight, you beat The Rock tonight, then you go on next week and get a shot at The Rock's WWE undisputed championship - I tell you what, The Rock doesn't speak Spanish all that well, but let The Rock tell you in a way that maybe you'll understand, it goes like this. (to the tune of "La Bamba") Eddie Guerrero! You want a shot at the great one but there's only one problem, is you never told him whether you were Cheech or whether you were Chong, ah y arriba y arriba - oh yeah whoa whoa whoa whoa no, The Rock ain't done, The Rock has more, it goes like this: Guerrero and The Rock in this ring will meet, and when it's all over, The Rock whoopin' ass on Latino Heat, ah y arriba y arriba." "ORALE--" "Ah ya ye ya ya ye ya!" "Ese vato--" "Ah ya ye ya ye ya ya" "Be" "Eeeeeeeddie Guerrero!" "Riiiight man I'm gonna kick your ass, ese!" "Tell ya what - The Rock says this:" "Rock E!" "Eddie Guerrero, all joking aside. The Rock knows you're one big, bad cat - The Rock knows you can go and you can bring it, so The Rock says this: The Rock'll tell you what he plans on doing tonight. The Rock plans on layeth los smacketh downos on your candy culo, and if you don't understand the Rock just said, if he doesn't understand what The Rock just said, The Rock just said this: tonight, live on RAW, he's gonna whup your candyass IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLOWWWW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'." Man, that's gotta be one of the weakest setups in RAW's long history. Instead of going to ad break, we follow Rock up the ramp - halfway up, the music changes and out come KING BROCK LESNAR & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL...who walk right on by without even casting a glance in Rock's direction. Rock ponders this - and decides to be amused. The RAW Credits pop up here as Lesnar does his Happy Dance...

KING BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 292 pounds - with Paul Heyman & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. TOMMY DREAMER (Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds - with SmackDown! in Indy hype) in a Singapore cane match
referee: CHAD PATTON
Dreamer spears a stick at Lesnar, who evades it - but Dreamer swings - STICK! STICK! Side Russian stick sweep! STICK! Lesnar outside. Dreamer on the apron, jumping to the floor but Lesnar blocks and gives Dreamer an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Lesnar grabs the stick...and tosses it aside. Stomp, stomp, stomp, Foot Locker Replay, whip into the STEEL steps. Dreamer back into the ring and Lesnar follows. Whip into the corner, and Dreamer hits hard. Lesnar dares him to get up - then puts a shoulder in the gut. Into the opposite corner, shoulder. Pulls him out - scoop...overhead - into a gutbuster, holding on for a second overhead - and running backbreaker across the knee. Stomp. Into the corner - Dreamer outta Dodge and Lesnar takes the post. Dreamer catches the kick, kicks the back of the leg, hits the DDT, covers, 1, 2, no! Dreamer goes for the other kendo stick - STICK! STICK to the side but Lesnar puts his arm down and catches it. Key on my Keyboard for Dreamer - oh, well, that's it then. (2:35) Now THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER hits the ring and swings the discarded kendo stick twice - Lesnar out of the ring and Heyman rushes him to the back. Thanks for showing up, Tommy!

Although we hear Bischoff's voice say "All right, you have three minutes, you better make it good, ring the bell!" and then movement in the ring - we're looking backstage at Shawn Michaels - he's WALKING! until he spots Big Show. "You know, I was thinking about you - a couple weeks ago, you hit me with that superkick right there on the chin. What'd you call it? Tough love? I'm lookin' at you now, Shawn - I don't see Kevin Nash. I don't see the rest of the NWO. You don't look so tough to me anymore." "You know what, Show - I don't know how tough I am. I haven't been in the ring for four years - maybe I'm tough...maybe I'm not. How bad do you wanna find out?" "Hehehe - maybe I will, Shawn....maybe I will."

Bischoff tries again, this time with the camera on him! "All right, gentlemen, you have three minutes, and you better make it good. Ring that bell!"

SHAWN STASIAK (already in the ring) v. D'LO BROWN (already in the ring)
referee: JACK DOAN
You know, I wouldn't expect this match to go longer than TWO minutes, actually. Kick by Stasiak, right, suplex - no, Brown on his feet - bodyslam, cover, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, heel kick. 1, 2, no. Right, into the ropes is reversed, Brown ducks, Stasiak with a powerlsam for 2. "Thirty seconds!" Hey, that actually WAS thirty seconds! Brown with a small package for 2. European uppercut by Stasiak - he goes to an armbar. "What the hell are you doing? You got two minutes - what is THAT?" So Stasiak moves to a hammerlock - "All right, thirty seconds!" - scoop - slam on the hammerlock. Kneedrop - "ten nine eight" - cover, 1 - "seven six five...you should have entertained me." Right. "Four" Right. "Three" - Right, left, right - "Two" - TWO BIG SAMOAN LOOKIN' GUYS hit the ring. "One!" Brown gets whipped, pressed up and Samoan dropped down. Stasiak gets a full nelson into a slam. Brown takes a top rope splash - and Stasiak gets a Vaderbomb. I'm guessing these are the "Island Boyz." They leave the ring....and we go to an ad break. Oh, yeah - let's stop the official time at "One" and call it (1:28)

Fleer WWE cards ad #2

Commentators shill SlamBall - hell, if I weren't in Tahoe Saturday I'm sure I'D be watching it.

Triple H presents Shawn Michaels with a bag. "Put that on." Michaels laughs. "Are you serious?" "Oh, I'm dead serious. I'll see you in a few minutes." "All right..." "All right."

Meanwhile, T limbers up - and gets a visit. "Mmmmmm Booker. I can't begin to tell you how impressive you were at Vengeance against The Big Show. Bravo." "Thanks, man." "It was wonderful, masterful performance. It was kind of like David slaying Goliath - you, Booker T, truly are...KING of the giant killers." "King, huh." "Yeah." "So ah, that's what you hidin' behind yo back, some kinda crown you wanna put on my head or somethin'. You want me to go out here (pauses to wince and hold his side for expository effect) you want me to go out here and make a FOOL outta myself tonight, right?" "No, no, I would never, ever do anything like that. You ARE the king of the giant killers! I didn't bring the crown but I have something a little bit better." "And what is that?" "Check this out." And he puts a Don King-alike wig on him. "I think that looks good - Book...please tell me you're not mad. Please. It looks good." "Goldie, Goldie, Goldie, my brother - mah brothuh - my strong, assertive, somewhat perverted tag team partner, no I'm not mad. 'cause the King says picture this! That snaggy-tooth, gap-toothed Wolverine! Against the five-time WCW Champeen! Oh my brother - only in America, only in America, now can u dig THAT - suckaaaaaaaaaaa!"

And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Vin Diesel IS Triple H! I mean Triple X! From Vengeance, T runs from one table to the other to deliver the big ol' axe kick! But they want you to PAY to see the Houston Hangover, yo

BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Vin Diesel IS Triple X, a strange meat product IS Slim Jim, and a glorified speed alternative IS Stacker 2!) v. CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds) to decide the #1 contender to the unified intercontinental championship
referee: NICK PATRICK
I hope Fit Finlay walks out and watches this match! Lockup, arm wringer by Benoit, T reverses, grabs a waistlock - shoves T into the ropes, T with a shoulderblock. T has taped ribs, did I mention? Lockup, arm wringer by T, Benoit shoves him into the corner, Patrick wants the break and gets it for a microsecond before Benoit drives his shoulder into those injured ribs, shoulder, shoved back into the corner, pulled out and shoved back again, forearm in the small of the back, into the ropes, T ducks the clothesline and gives Benoit a crescent kick. Chop, chop, whip is reversed into a gutshot by Benoit - Benoit with a backbreaker across the knee - 1, 2, no. T put into the corner back first. Benoit pulls him up - snap suplex. Cover, tix onsale crawl, 1, 2, no. European elbow, T elbows back, elbow, Benoit elbows, T reverses a whip attempt and pulls him into a big kick. Benoit chop, chop, in the ropes, reversed, T with a sleeper - Benoit turns in and gives T a death suplex. Benoit shakes it off and starts to...remove a turnbuckle cover from the second rope. Right, right by T, right by Benoit, T, Benoit, T, T chops, slap, into the ropes, big back body drop out. Clothesline. Benoit put in the ropes, Benoit ducks, but T hits a flying jalapeno. Benoit into the ropes again - T with a big spinebuster! T is going up top...but Benoit is back on his feet. So T gives him a missile dropkick instead! 1, 2, NO! Kick doubles Benoit over - T off the ropes...took too long, Benoit slips away from the axe kick! Right to the ribs by Benoit - grabs the waistlock - T back elbow, elbow, Benoit forearm in the back, grabs the waistlock again - German suplex! Benoit holding on - TWO! THREE! T back elbow, elbow, FINALLY unclasping his hands - tries a standing switch but Benoit also throws a mean elbow...off the ropes, ducks T's clothesline, waistlock - FOUR! And a bridge! 1, 2, NO! Benoit tries another suplex, T is out, Benoit ducks the roundhouse, Benoit with a slap, into the corner, T is up and over, crisscross rollup out - 1, 2, NO! Benoit runs T into the exposed eyebolt...then takes him down and applies the Crippler crossface! I didn't see him tap, but Patrick calls for the bell - either he gave up or he's out cold. (5:53) Benoit takes on van Dam next week. Replay shows T *did* tap - just the camera angle, okay.

Watching "The Godfather" on TNN is JUST like ATTENDING A RAVE! EVERY MONTH OR TWO!

Catch Team Red Friday in Houston, Saturday in San Antonio, Sunday in Columbia, RAW in Greensboro, Saturday in Miami, and Sunday in Pittsburgh!

Your commentators are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY - and THE WIFESWAPPER has joined them. Everyone's thrilled!

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 150 pounds)
referee: Robinson
Spike gives an expository glance at Bischoff on his way to the ring. Spike with a shoulder in the gut - lookit him bounce! Dropkick - is swatted away. Well it's the big stomp. Show rips off Dudley's shirt - stomp, stomp. Walks over his chest. Wow, is Spike WHITE. Knee to the (taped, natch) ribs. Well it's the big ram into the turnbuckle. Well it's the big forearm to the small of the back. ahhhhhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - for some reason, I don't think he'll get up from that. 1, 2, 3. (1:03) Bischoff motions to Show to get a table. Show, get the table! But before Show can do anything, BUBBA RAY DUDLEY is out with an uppernut, chop, chop, chop, whip doesn't happen - Show attacks the injured arm. Show chokeslams Bubba Ray through Spike AND the table! Show yuks it up and so does Bischoff. Play his music!

LOOK! It's an exciting DOOR! Will we see Triple H and Shawn Michaels - NEXT?

Hey, don't forget - Trust Company's CD "Lonely Position of Neutral" is available tomorrow! Why not pick it up along with the Neurotica CD?

Zowie! The WWE.com homepage!

UP NEXT: The Rock vs. Eddie Guerrero!

"Are you ready?" TRIPLE H RETURNS & MR. WHYSPYR are out again, to... Yep, familiar music, familiar entrance - is it just me or did they go back to the ol' crotch chop a little LIGHTNING quick after getting the PTC settlement? Man THANK GOD they probably kept that DX pyro treatment around for MONTHS just in case they ever needed it the spur of the moment! I guess Triple H mus have gone to the all-night obsolete wrestling T-shirt store or something? Michaels on the stick: "Ohhhh myyyyyyy! Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the old grappling show, look who's back in towwwwwn! The boys who were rebels before bein' a rebel was cool - D-Generation X!" "With that said..." pause for chant. "You damn right. ARE YOU READY?" Can Road Dogg be far behind? What does Billy think of this? "I said, ARE YOU READY? Then, for the thousands in attendance...and for the millions watching at home...llllllllllllllllllets' get ready to SUCKIIIIIIIIIIIT!" but then he gives Michaels a gutshot and Pedigree! Well...that was....a shocking swerve? Michaels is left in a heap as H tears off his shirt (SQUEEEEEAL) and throws it at him on his way out of the ring and up the ramp.

Tough Enough 2 trainers shill Stacker 2 - again

MOMENTS AGO - two paragraphs ago

Triple H gets into his (white) limo, which drives off - simultaneous with a (black) limo (with SmackDown! plate) pulling up. "Can I help you, please?" Window rolls down to reveal Stephanie. "Why don't you tell Mr. Bischoff that his competition has arrived." Ross helpfully adds for our benefit, "Stephanie - Stephanie McMahon is gonna - is here - she wants security to tell Bischoff that Bischoff's competition has arrived!"

EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds - with Foot Locker presents SummerSlam! Meet Lita Saturday at the Nassau Colesium onsale!) v. THE ROCK (Undisputed champion - Miami, Florida - 275 pounds) in a nontitle match
referee: EARL HEBNER
Garcia almost calls Guerrero "the challenger" but catches herself in time. Lockup...Rock shoves him away. Feeling out process. Lockup...Rock with a side headlock - chain wrestling to a hammerlock...reversal by Guerrero and HE grabs a side headlock. Rock with a shot to the side, powers out, shoulderblock. Up and over, Guerrero with a leapfrog, Rock with an armdrag, make it two - and adds an armbar. Guerrero puts a hand to Rock's face to get back to his feet but Rock holds the armbar. Elbow to the elbow. Rock gives the arm a turn. Guerrero flips through to get out, but Rock takes him down with a clothesline. Stomp. Guerrero with an arm wringer, Rock reverses, gutshot, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw! Guerrero ducks the swing and gives Rock a death suplex. That turns it his way and Eddie goes to work - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, choke. Hebner finally forces a break. Guerreo back in with a right, Rock fires back with a right, Guerrero, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, off the ropes - caught with an elbow! Guerrero stomps. Elbow. Guerrero measures his right. Right, right, right, right, right. "Eddie sux!" Right hand. Eddie eggs on the crowd. DROPKICK! Didn't really connect but it still looked pretty. Guerrero goes to the headlock. "Rock E!" Rock to a knee...Rock to both feet - right, right breaks it up, right, off the ropes but RIGHT into Guerrero's dropkick! 1, 2, no! Guerrero applies a headscissors. They back to the ropes and you can see Hebner move himself out of position so Guerrero can grab the middle rope. Rock doesn't appreciate the extra leverage! Hebner catches Guerrero the second time and forces him to release the hold - so Guerrero immediately attacks with a stomp, stomp, stomp, fistdrop, cover, 1, 2, no! Rock tries to come back - right, right, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, and Guerrero lands the clothesline! Guerrero moves back to the headlock. Crowd comes alive as Rock makes the bugeye and slowly goes under. Guerrero puts some gusto into his headlock - you wouldn't think it'd be possible with that move, but look at that. "Eddie sux!" Hebner checks in - arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm...doesn't fall thrice! Rock grabs the mullet (CHEATER!) and gets to a knee - to his feet - body shot - another right to the gut - breaks it up - right - Guerrero right - Rock - Guerrero - Rock, Rock, Rock, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Guerrero goes down! Gutshot - DDT! Rock hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Rock right - Guerrero reverses the whip and hits a short clothesline - but Rock kips up! ROCK BOTTOM NOOOOOO Guerrero twists his body and rolls up Rock - 1, 2, NO!!! Rock's clothesline ducked, off the ropes, Guerrero with a Frankensteiner!! Guerrero springs - not high enough, so he tries again - springs up and over with the hot shot - climbs the corner - frog splash...MISSES! Rock is back up - and ready. Guerrero see him up...and runs right into a spinebuster. Sometimes you can't help yourself, I guess. Here comes the People's Elbow - 1, 2, 3! (8:31) BROCK LESNAR is out while Rock is on the turnbuckle, grabbing the Undisputed championship belt from Hebner and waiting for Rock to turn around! Rock meets Brock in the centre and locks eyes with him. Lesnar looks down at the title - and back at Rock - then does it many more times. I guess with Jeff Hardy not having a belt anymore, SOMEBODY's gotta do that. Rock never moves his eyes from Lesnar. Finally, Lesnar throws the belt at Rock's feet...and leaves the ring. HEY, MAN is waiting at the top of the ramp to walk backstage with him. Play Rock's music again!

But I'm sure you've noticed we no longer end these shows in the ring...so outside we go, where Bischoff is all yuks. "Well, Steph - are you here to get a wrestling lesson? You wanna learn how to produce sports entertainment? Or...are you here to slap my face, Steph, huh?" "Eric...I'm not here to slap your face. I'm here to kick you in your testicles." "Oh, really - you're gonna kick me in the testicles, Steph? Well why don't you come on and do it. Come on. (kisses the air) Come on. Come on. Whooo - come on." "You want me to do it? You want me to do it? All right, I'll do it!" Bischoff assumes the crane position, and makes kung fu noises...until Lesnar and Heyman appear. "She's gonna kick me in my testicles, Brock! Help me - help me - she's gonna kick me in my testicles! Hahahahaha!" Stephanie...backs off? "Okay, Eric...okay...I will. After you, Brock - Paul." "What the hell is this? --the hell are you doin'? Get outta that car!" "Eric, no excuse me - since I don't have any...how does it feel to get kicked in your testicles? Oh, and uh - if you want to see the Next Big Thing, you can watch SmackDown! this Thursday night." "You get outta that car, get outta that car, I will knock you - I WILL knock you out!" As Bischoff shouts after the departing limo, it sounds like he and Stephanie are having a last word contest...and I bet that last word is TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES

WW logo and we're out.