QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.72 (- .63), last year: 11.61, two years ago: 20 3/4

BRILLIANT IDEAS: Three weeks ago, Eric Bischoff appeared on RAW and noted recapper CRZ took a hiatus. Ratings were 3.8.

Two weeks ago, faced with the prospect of no CRZ(tm) recap and knowing there was no other way to get decent results without him, viewers returned to watching RAW in droves and the ratings jumped to 4.3.

One week ago, with the hiatus over, fans calmly turned their televisions back, returning instead to reading the CRZ recap, taking a few of their friends with them. Ratings plummeted to 3.7.

I think it's clear - what needs to happen here is for the WWE to PAY me to *not* summarize their television!

What do you say, WWE? I know you happen to have an extra $1000 a week with Vince Russo not taking that consulting job...why not send it my way and recoup it immediately in advertising revenue? IT'S JUST GOOD BUSINESS

You know how to reach me. Let's talk.

TONIGHT: It's a disturbing trend - no matches announced in the preview because they're too busy showing you clips of last week's show! Conchairto on Taker! Michaels' head rammed through a car window! What's it all about? Come back in about sixteen and maybe - just MAYBE - there'll be some WRESTLING

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Ugly Mug

Triple H/Michaels video package - boy they sure like that old Rey Mysterio theme music, don't they? Who dunnit? Booker T? Big Show? Canadians? Triple H?

Opening credits - man, it sure seems like they refuse to see the change in me. WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

CHOPPYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the Arean in Baltimore, MD 5.8.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP - whodunnit? Whodunnit? Whodunnit? Also

TONIGHT: Tag team titles on the line as Christian & Storm take on the Hardy Boyz! Prediction: Matt jobs twice

But first, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO provides opening remarks. Any chance he'll tell us why he upped with the guy he's gone on record as hating the most? Let Us Take You Back To Last Week where Flair got WHACK. Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY - sitting again in front of stage right. "In case you jackasses haven't heard the news....welcome to Monday Night JERICHO! And as of this moment, right now, this show is now MY show. And I know you're all wonderin' in your little minds, why did Chris Jericho - the biggest star in the WWE - the biggest star of SmackDown! - why did he come to RAW and work for Eric Bischoff? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because Eric Bischoff is a certified genius! It's because Eric Bischoff knows the difference between a SUPERSTAR and a LOSER." "You suck!" "You want an example, huh? Superstar (points to self)! LOOOOOOSER (points to audience)! Pathetic common morons - majestic KING of the WOOOOOOOOORLD! But most importantly of all, Eric Bischoff knows the difference between a superstar like Chris Jericho and a has-been like Ric Flair! Yeah, that's right - that's right - a Ric Flair who, even in his prime, didn't have half the talent that Chris Jericho has right now! And that's why, at this--" TRIPLE H RETURNS! interrupts at this point, modeling his brand new T-shirt (available NOW at wweshopzone.com! Well, I'm only guessing). Man, wouldn't Jericho be screwed if Flair decided to jump to SmackDown!? Oh we're not supposed to think like that, are we. I mean, since *the writers obviously haven't* and all.... "Personally, I don't give a flyin' crap why you're here. But there are two things that I do know. One is that Shawn Michaels was attacked in a parking lot last week, and that person has not revealed themselves yet. The other thing I know, Chris, is that you and I have hated each other since the day you wahis place. And you are a bitter little man, aren't ya, Chris." This is usually where other folks would like me to let you know that H is standing toe to toe with Jericho just so we can ID the taller of the two men (hint: he just said "little" for effect - or so you'd be led to believe, wink) "Ever since WrestleMania when I defeated you for the Undisputed championship...I'm SURE you have been dying to find a way to get even with me. And what better way to get even with me than by attacking my best friend Shawn Michaels in a parking lot?" "First of all, I have no idea who attacked Shawn Michaels but I know it sure as hell wasn't me. And second of all, am I missing something here? Wasn't it you who just Pedigreed your so-called 'best friend' only two weeks ago? Wasn't it you who has experience in attacking people in parking lots, huh? You cerebral ASS? Who the hell are you to come out here and accuse me of anything? To interrupt me?" "Maybe you missed it...maybe you missed it, but I was in the ring when Shawn was attacked, numb nuts. Now I Pedigreed Shawn Michaels, but that was for his own good - I still consider the man my best friend. Now, I'm lookin' you in your eye and you're tellin' me you didn't do this - and I believe you. I believe you because I don't think you've got the (balls) to do what someone did to Shawn Michaels. So you say you didn't do it - that's just fine, but I'll tell you what - I'm not leavin' this arena tonight until I find out who in the hell did." Play his music! H takes off and Jericho tries to pick up where he left off. "Yeah yeah yeah - whatever - whatever - good luck in your little - your little mystery. ANYWAYS - shut up, anyways, as I was sayin', this show is my what the heck--" THIS interruption comes at the hands of POINTS TO SELF, who is presumably out to point to himself. "RVD" chant. "No no no no no no! No! No! Now what the hell are you doin' in here? How dare you come out here and interrupt me? Huh? You never even have anything to say anyways - why the hell are you even in here? Huh?" "I just wanted to come out here and tell you, welcome to RAW." "Welcome to RAW, huh? Welcome to RAW. Well, thank you, Rob. I appreciate it. Now is that all you have to say to me, huh? DOOOOOD?" "Well, there was this one other thing. See, I'm back there listening to you talkin' about how you OWN this show? Dude - between that comment and those clothes you're wearin', I gotta ask you: what have YOU been smokin'? No, that's cool, that's cool - you say you're the best, right? Why don't you PROVE it by facing me in the ring tonight? After all, there can only be one true Mr. Monday Night, and that's me - Points To Self." "All right - all right, you're on, junior. You're on - but I'll tell you this - it's not RVD like all these ass clowns like to chant - no no no no no - it's Y2J." "Dude! Everybody knows it's PTS." "No no no no no no - it's Y2J!" "P - T - S!" "It's Y2J! Y2J! You stupid son of a--" elbow from van Dam! Gutshot, elbow, elbow, into the corner is reversed, van Dam up and over, backflip, spinning roundhouse kick MISSES and Jericho connects with a viscera - then slides out of the ring! Play his music! He's gotta SHUFFLE!

Check out Taker's Conchairto - will he be here tonight? (PROBABLY)

It's the WWE - live! Friday, Kelowna! Saturday, Kamloops! Sunday, Vancouver! Monday is RAW in Seattle! Tuesday is also Seattle (and isn't this crew?) and Sunday is Terra Haute!

There are tables all around the ring! You know what that means...

THE BIG SHOW (500 pounds) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (325 pounds) in a table match
referee: JACK DOAN
Dudley ducks, forearm, forearm, forearm, chop, slap, into the ropes is revesred, Dudley ducks the clothesline but not the back elbow. Well it's the big clothesline. Well it's the big belly-to-belly. Well it's the big scoop....Dudley down the back and Show's sternum hits the buckle. Forearm - forearm off the ropes - he ain't movin'. Dudley off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, hooks the ropes to avoid the big boot - Show runs at him and Dudley lowers the bridge to put him outside. Dudley out after him - three forearms in the back - right hand - and goes for a table. Ross casually mentions that RAW is "the longest running live sports entertainment program in television history" which is technically untrue as RAW was taped a hell of a lot more than Nitro ever was. Show iw up - well it's the big headbutt and Dudley drops his table. Dudley back in the ring - everybody back in. Well it's the big shoudlerblock. Show dares him to get up - and tells the crowd to shut up. Well it's the big whip into the opposite corner. Well it's the big whip back to the first corner and Dudley falls to the mat. Show walks over his back - that'll either hurt, or feel really good. Into the corner - but Dudley gets the boot up on the charge. Well it's the big sidewalk slam. Show outside, table inside, Show inside. Table placed in the corner. Dudley tries to hook the rope but Show pulls him off and places him against the table. Running boot - Dudley's out and Show breaks the table! Dudley tries to take advantage - forearm, in the back, again, again, grabs the table carcass and rams it into Show (almost putting the leg into his throat!) - while we watch the Foot Locker Replay, Bubba asks himself to get the table. Bubba out, table in. Bubba in. While Dudley works on it - oops, Show is up and there's a death suplex (Ross: "side slam") DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Show places the table in the centre and gives the international sign of the chokeslam - but TRISH STRATUS (THE FITNESS MODEL) is out to distract Show - Show is dumb enough to lean in, close his eyes and pucker up, and Stratus SLAPS him - Show turns round to find SPIKE DUDLEY running at him with a headbutt to the abdomen (with Ravens helmet - caw caw caw) - Dudley off the ropes and falls into a flapjack through the table by Bubba Ray - winner! (4:37) Wow, they sure greased up Trish for this segment. Take a replay of the slap, spear, and pancake. Show isn't happy! Hey, isn't it time for Triple H to punk him out? Oh...I guess not?

Here's yet another clip of the un-Americans punking out Taker.

Backstage, the Un-Americans are all smiles admiring the clip, but quickly turn serious when TERRI starts the interview saying their actions were deplorable. "I can see how you feel that way! But let me say in all sincerity that it's a pleasure to be here tonight in Baltimore - you see, it's a pleasure because we're sixty miles removed from the capital of this pitiful nation. Sixty miles removed from a president who couldn't even defend his own country. A president who shares the same hometown as The Undertaker - a man who couldn't defend HIMself. And just like *your* president, he can't get revenge. Your president can send planes oversees to slaughter innocent civilians...but that's not revenge. That's American aggression. And just like America, The Undertaker has been humbled, emasculated and exposed to the world as a weakened bully that is no longer to be feared...or even respected." Christian starts to talk, but Test interrupts by shouting to someone offstage, "Hey! You got a problem with that?" It's Sergeant Slaughter. "Do I have a problem with that? Yes, I have a big problem with that." "Well, if it isn't Sergeant Slaughter - Mr. GI Joe in the flesh. Look, boys, we got us a REAL American hero. Well if you don't like it, Slaughter, why don't you do something about it?" "The only way I can do something about it is if you got the guts to do something about it." "You're on." "No, maggot, YOU'RE on. I'll show ya REAL - AMERICAN - AGGRESSION!" Man, this is about three different kinds of bad idea.

The WWE Boot of the Week is brought to you by Lugz! From RAW last week, Eric Bischoff breaks it down street style, or whatever they just said, calling out them two Samoan dudes to beat up Moolah & Young.

Commentators are OUTRAGED! but Ross does sneak in another plug for Moolah's book

Backstage, Tommy Dreamer hears a cowbell...which can only mean it's time to start the next match right here and right now...

Big boot by Bradshaw, grabs the kendo stick - STICK! STICK! Rammed into the wall, covered on a table - 1, no! STICK! Dreamer out through the curtain - STICK! STICK! STICK! Now out to where the crowd can see them - STICK! Bradshaw whips Dreamer into the stage, and the frosted glass inside the framework shatters. 1, 2, no! Hearing them talk about how hardcore matches are a "RAW exclusive" makes me wonder why Stephanie hasn't tried to hire away Tommy Dreamer yet. I shouldn't be thinking about that, of course...after all, *the writers haven't.* Gutshot - forearm in the back - walking through the crowd as we take a Foot Locker Replay. Right, right, thrown over the barrier and they're at ringside. Head to the STEEL steps. Bradshaw under the ring - finds ANOTHER cowbell on rope - and cleans his clock with a cowbell shot. Bradshaw with a big rope choke around the ringpost, using his own boot to add leverage. Dreamer manages to pull Bradshaw into the post when he gets distracted by Robinson pleading for him to please not kill him. Dreamer takes control - right hand - garbage can lid misses the ring - second lid WHACK - trashcan in the ring - WHACK with the lid again - kendo sticks in the ring - hard whip into the STEEL steps and the halves separate as Bradshaw's shoulder does not. Dreamer in the ring - bullrope around *Bradshaw's* neck - snapmare using the rope - neckbreaker using the rope. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Dreamer still has Bradshaw throttled - into the opposite corner is reversed - charge but Dreamer gets the elbow up - Dreamer climbing up - forearm in the back by Bradshaw, climbs up after him, grabs him and wow it's an actual NON-contrived contractually obligated super fallaway slam! Bradshaw gives the sign - but Dreamer reverses the powerbomb into a back body drop...only, Bradshaw holds the waistlock and manages to pick up Dreamer anyway and DOES POWERBOMB him! Foot Locker Replay isn't cued up so let's go back to Bradshaw - he's got the cowbell again...but Dreamer has the kendo stick! WHACK! 1, 2, JUST out! Bradshaw makes a tackling run to Dreamer, taking them BOTH through the ropes. Foot Locker Replay IS properly cued. Bradshaw walks in but Dreamer has him - head to the post - DDT to the steps! 1, 2, 3! Champ retains - for now. (5:24) Dreamer out through the crowd and appears safe for now. He STILL hasn't retooled the belt, though - it's still got that Texas flag on it. Dreamer shares a fan's beer!

Backstage, Regal and Nowinski chat. "It's unbelievable. I mean, that Bradshaw and Dreamer, they're like bloody barbarians - did you see that?" "Indeed I did - they're just like the two barbarians we have to face tonight in tag team action - Goldust and Booker T." "Oh, hello, Molly. How are you?" "I'm good! William, Christopher, I wanted you to meet my friend Victoria." "Oh, hello, Victoria, William Regal, it's a pleasure to meet you, dear, it really is, it really is." Regal wisely fixates on Victoria's cleavage. "The pleasure's mine." "Hi, Christopher Nowinski - damn glad to meetcha." "Nice to meet you." "I've been training with Victoria all week, and uh - we will be working on the ring attire, but she is ready for her match tonight against Trish Stratus - well uh, we're gonna go finish preparing, so see you later." Nowinski grabs Victoria's arm. "Molly, I'll be right there." "Excuse me, ah..." - spins her around to read her ass - "Victoria, can I ask you a question? Is it true what they say about Molly? Is it true she's a....vrigin?" Regal can barely contain his amusement in the background. "Well...yes, she is. Why do you ask?" "Oh no reason - thanks - thanks - bye. A virgin...not for long." Regal makes the "oh!" face. I guess *he* doesn't like her anymore?

"Pray for mercy - for your prayers shall be unanswered. Pray for the People's Champ - for he shall need your strength. For Brock Lesnar is the Next Big Thing." Get ready! SummerSlam is coming 25 August and Brock vs. Rock is THE MATCH OF A LIFETIME - uhhhhhhh yeah

Check out the sparking exterior of the Baltimore Arena

Backstage, Booker T is getting psyched for his upcoming match in full view of the portrait of Eric - but first, a little humour! "Damn him! Damn that Mike Myers! You know that Austin Powers guy, he stole my idea!" "What the hell are you talkin' about man?" "You know what I'm talkin' about. You and I both know that there's only one...Goldmember, and it's (inhales) Goldust." "Look man, that's already been done. What the hell you gonna do about it now?" "You're right, it has been done. But if he can rip me off, I'm gonna rip him off. "What the hell are you talkin' about?" "I'll show ya." In comes Mini-Goldust (probably not the luchador), inhaling and biting the air. 'dust bites his pinky. "I shall call him...Mini-Dust." "Man, you got to be KIDDIN' me." "Nope." "What the hell - what the hell is he doin'?" Camera pulls back to reveal him humping T's leg. "WHAT - GET - GET THE HELL OFFA ME! Look man, I'm outta here." But he turns back to stand nose to nose with Triple H. "What the hell do YOU want?" "What do I want? Maybe you haven't heard, Booker, but I'm goin' around trying to find out who knows anything about Shawn Michaels gettin' attacked in the parking lot last week. Now Shawn gave you a little, ah, Sweet Chin Music. So the way I see it, you have a bit of a motive." "Lemme tell you something, man. I don't give a DAMN about what happened to Shawn Michaels...in fact, I'm happy about it, even though I didn't do it. Like I told you last week, homes - I didn't see NOTHIN', man. I'm clean." "All right. I'll take your word for it, Book...I see Goldust introduced you to his little friend over there. I'll tell you what, Booker - if I find out you're lying to me, I'm going to introduce you to MY little friend. You got it?" That's the sledgehammer. H takes off, leaving T to mutter...

Meanwhile, another photo of Eric leads us to a live version of Eric, talking on his cel to "Sony Pictures," where we are promised an *exclusive* trailer for "XXX" later in the show - OH BOY! LATER WE'LL ALL WATCH AN AD - there's a knock at the door - it's Howard Finkel and he's anxious! After finally getting off the phone, Finkel says the ruthless aggression has hit him hard and he wants to challenge Lilian Garcia to win back his rightful position as RAW ring announcer! Bischoff starts to blow him off, but decides to let them alternate introductions tonight and let the fans decide. Finkel thanks him and leaves - but comes back with an envelope that the production office asked him to deliver. Bischoff is already back on his phone and asks Finkel to just read it to him. In his ring announcer voice, Fink says "Dear Eric, don't miss SmackDown! this Thursday night on UPN! You'll see the NEW intercontinental champion Chris Benoit, as well as other SmackDown! superstars as Brock Lesnar, Edge, Eddie Guerrero--" Bischoff says he just pegged his bitch meter and asks for the tag. "Love...Stephanie McMahon." "That's what I thought. I've heard enough. Do you mind? Go do...whatever it is you do."

Sergeant Slaughter is WALKING!

Man, I've seen almost as many "Blue Crush" ads tonight as I've seen "Blue Crush" sneak preview SPAMS in my email box. (God only knows why they think I'm a teenage girl!)

Kane vignette - "The Fire Still Burns"

TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds - with Global Warning Tour hype) v. SERGEANT SLAUGHTER (South Carolina - 320 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
Garcia intros Test, Finkel intros Slaughter. Yippee! Slaughter doesn't come out to his own music, but instead comes out to "The Marines Hymn." I think there's something in Slaughter's contract that says he MUST wrestle once every six months or so... Test has the upside-down flag, Slaughter's is not. Slaughter stands on the apron and waves his flag...so Test rushes him from behind. Test out after him - Slaughter sent (sort of) into the post! Wotsitolla Boot out on the floor! Test retakes his flag and...walks away. Ross says this is a great time for Taker to make his appearance, which means he won't. Yikes, that sure was short! Let's go to the ad break! (No contest)

And now, the WWE Rewind, brought to you by Foot Locker's House of Hoops! From Heat last night, Goldust steals a win from William Regal - but takes the Power of the Punch post-match

BOOKER T & GOLDUST (516 pounds) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI & WILLIAM REGAL (500 pounds - with RAW credits & transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes)
T & Goldust attack before the bell - Nowinski taken outside by T - Goldust and Regal inside - Regal into the corner, big back body drop coming out, clothesline by Goldust, tag to T. "I don't think they've ever been defeated in tag team competition!" says GOOD OL' JR. Actually, since they lost to the Hardy Boys on 20.5 and to the NWO 24.6 - they're actually .500 (2-2) on RAW. But you were close, Ross. REAL CLOSE. T with an open shot, chop, forearm, whip is reversed, T ducks, flying jalapeno, tag to Goldust. Regal runs to his corner to get a hug. This'll bring in Nowinski - Goldust ducks the swing, right, into the ropes, buttbutt! Tag to T - held open for a shot to the ribs. Nowinski into the ropes, T with a back elbow. Tag to Goldust - held open for the kick, forearm in the back by T, forearm by 'dust. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, 'dust drops down and uppercuts Nowinski. Goldust walks into a hot shot, however, and Regal adds a yank on the arm from the outside. Nowinski with a Northern Lights suplex and bridge for 2. Arm wringer by Nowinski, tag, kick by Regal, arm wringer, takeover holding the arm, cranks the arm, drops the knee, and cranks the arm again. Say, I think he's working the arm! Tag to Nowinski. 'dust into the ropes, head down, sunset flip by 'dust gets 2. Three point stance...and Nowinski hits a nice dropkick! T saves at 2. Arm wringer by Nowinski, pounds the arm, tags out - held up for a kick from Regal. Goldust tries to fight back - right, right, but Regal takes him over with a wristlock once again. Arm wringer, back up, tag to Nowinski - from the middle rope, landing on the elbow. Nowinski wraps that left arm around the top rope for 4 - then kicks the rope to impact on the arm (I guess). Nowinski with a gustho, and a butterfly...umm - butterfly swinging sidewalk slam? Ugly but effective - T saves again. Right by Nowinski, right by Goldust, right by Nowinski, right by Goldust, Nowinski to the eyes to halt that. Tag to Regal. Goldust fights back against Nowinski but Regal clocks him. Goldust sneaks in a rollup for 2, but Regal is right back on him with a drop toehold to a hammerlock. Regal keys the lock, then backs Goldust to his corner for a tag to Nowinski - open shot from Nowinski. Into the ropes, nobody home on the dropkick, Goldust rolls him up for 2. Nowinski up - falls into Goldust's version of the Book End (!) and both men are down! Ross keeps mentioning this is RAW #480 for some reason, as if we couldn't count forward from show #450 at the beginning of the year (the last time I bothered to mention it). Hey HOT TAG TO T!! Right, chop, slap, chop, slap, chop, slap, into the ropes, lariat, right for Regal, Nowinski into the ropes, spin heel kick, 1, up to pop Regal and get bleeped, ducks from Nowinski, right, right, right knocks him down, signals to Goldust, into the ropes but Regal makes the blind tag - wants the Houston sidekick but Nowinski hooks the ropes - Regal from behind with a forearm - and there's the Union Jack! 1, 2, Goldust saves! Forearm by Regal, forearm, into the ropes, T ducks, Houston sidekick lands, 1, 2, Nowinski saves! Goldust in, clothesline Nowinski AND himself out. Back inside - Regal forearm, forearm, forearm, whip is reversed and Regal takes an atomic drop from Goldust, an axe kick from T, cover, leg is hooked, 1, 2, 3! (6:16) T almost leaves before Goldust pulls him back and reminds him of what the crowd came to see.

Backstage, H and his sledgehammer are WALKING! to find the Un-Americans at the catering table. "Hey guys! Relax, relax, relax. I'm just here to ask you a few questions. You guys don't have to be scared of me. You NEED to be scared of The Undertaker. He's gonna kick your ass, he's gonna ask the questions later. But, right now I just got one question I want answered. It seems last week before Shawn Michaels was attacked in the parking lot, you guys said you had some 'unfinished business.' What was that all about?" Christian: "Hey, listen man - we're not gonna lie to ya, all right, we're not gonna lie to ya. We were on our way to get Shawn, but by the time we got to the parking lot, damage was done." All three vehemently deny involvement - someone beat them to it. "All right. I'll take your word for it. But if I find out you guys are lying, I'm gonna make the Un-Americans...UNCONSCIOUS." And then he BEATS UP THE TABLE FOR EFFECT! Naturally, it doesn't break. Ha!

Fleer WWE Trading Card ad

Hey, look! Aaron Brown's NewsNight ad! Did you know that on today's show, Serena Altschul went on a search for the vanishing breed known as the neighbourhood barber? I know!! That's HARD HITTING STUFF!! I strongly encourage you to go check out the transcript if for no other reason than to read guest host Anderson Cooper's take on "The Anna Nicole Show." (Hint: use your browser to search for "riddle wrapped in a pringle inside a hot pocket.") That reminds me...

MOST OBVIOUS QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I like that Serena Altschul." - Anderson Cooper

Watch SmackDown! this Thursday at THE WORLD! Because football is pre-empting it on UPN 9!

Rob van Dam limbers up!

So does Chris Jericho!

TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario - with RAW is brought to you by Vin Diesel IS XXX, Lugz, and Stacker 2!) v. VICTORIA
referee: Doan
MOLLY HOLLY has joined the announce team, and Lawler wastes no time doing his Anderson Cooper impersonation asking Holly over and over if she's a virgin, and making all kinds of stupid jokes about cherries. "Do you like CHERRY coke? George Washington chopped down the CHERRY tree? Did you know Ross' favourite is CHERRY pie? Do you wish I'd choke on a CHERRY pit so I could stop saying CHERRY?" Bless her heart, Molly pretty much ignores all this - and even Ross tries in vain to call the match instead of deal with Lawler's over-the-top CRAP. Now that that's all out of the way, let's pretend I had a selective mute on and just call the match as if *somebody* had. Lockup, gobehind by Stratus to a full nelson - to an armbar...to a wristlock. Victoria rolls out, cartwheel over and SHE grabs the hold. Double leg by Stratus, Victoria kicks her away, grabs a leg but Stratus swings her free leg over her and turns it into a rollup for 2. They slap hands! We go again - lockup, side headlock by Victoria - elbow out by Stratus, powers her into the ropes, Victoria up and over, Stratus with a Japanese armdrag, clothesline, dropkick, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Victoria into the ropes, up and over and lands on her leg kinda funny...everybody stops. Hebner and TRAINER CHRIS WHAT'SHISNAME run out and check on her...looks like they're going to help her out of the ring. Stratus actually buys this and parts the ropes - so Victoria punts her in the head and to the outside. Why, she was faking all along! Out after her - stomp, stomp, head to the apron. Drops her head on the apron. Foot Locker Replay of the big boot. Back inside, forearm to the back by Victoria. Suplex coming up - nice snap suplex and even holds on for a second...1, 2, no! Short clothesline. Stomp. Trish manages a sneaky rollup for 2. Back up, Trish ducks, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, shoulder to the gut by Victoria, again. Chops her down again. Scoop...and a slam. Victoria to the apron - tries a somersault back in but nobody's home on the legdrop. Trish blocks and hits the forearm - again - forearm, forearm, forearm, into the corner is reversed, Stratus up and rolls her up on the charge - 1, 2, Victoria rolls back and grabs the rope - 1, 2, 3! (4:24) Stratus tries to get some revenge but Holly hits the ring and turns it back around - Molly with a hairpull spin, into the corner, Victoria with a spear in the corner. Into the ropes, two heads down, Stratus gives Victoria a pump kick, forearm for Molly, kick for Victoria, bulldog for Molly! Play her music 'cause she LOST! Their match during Heat was better (except nobody saw it)

Backstage, Big Show lay in wait for Stratus - but a tap from behind with a sledgehammer interrupts his concentration. Why, THERE'S Triple H! "What'cha doin' big man?" "You know what I'm doin' - I'm waiting for Trish Stratus, that's what I'm doing - did you see what she did to me? Tell you what, I'm gonna get my hands on her, and I'm gonna settle the score." "You got a score to settle?" "Yeah, I do." "I'll tell you what, if anybody's got a score to settle around here, it's me. I got one to settle for Shawn Michaels. Speaking of ah, Shawn and settling scores - it seems to me that uh, Shawn was the one that called you a...big, fat, lazy...piece o' crap. And uh, then he uh, then he kicked you right in your big fat head." "That's right." Show presses down the sledgehammer. "Look at me, Hunter. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to piss me off so I'll blurt out the answer, like I'm some kinda idiot - confess that I did it! I'm looking you right in the eye... and I'm telling you, I *didn't* do it - but I wish I had." "You sure about that?" "You know what, Hunter? Between you, Trish Stratus - I've had all I can, I'm outta here! Geez!" Apparently the crowd didn't catch any of this because they're busy chanting "slut" - at the women still out there?

And here's the Rock version of the SummerSlam ad

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (challengers - Cameron, North Carolina - 452 pounds) v. LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN (champions - 454 pounds)
referee: Robinson
No sooner have the tag team championships arrived than Matt & Jeff have put their individual goals aside - somehow, this is both a bad AND a good thing, but since I strongly doubt they'll win the straps tonight it's ultimately a moot point...except for us to watch Matt and wonder if all the backstage intrigue is true. I guess. Methinks Ross protesteth the upside-down flag too much - as if somehow Ross putting it down somehow makes it all right for it to be on my screen at this particular time. Of course, with this batch of geniuses behind the pen and considering it's ONLY the beginning of August, I'm sure this angle will be long forgotten by the time the anniversary of the attacks rolls around anyway. HERE WE GO: Matt and Christian lockup - Christian right, right, right, right, right, right, Matt right, Christian, Matt, Christian, Matt, Matt knocks him down with a right, into the corner, back elbow up on the charge - Matt ducks the swing and hits a sidwalk slam for 2. Tag to Jeff SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAL - Christian into the ropes, double back elbow, fistdrop/senton combo - Storm in and Jeff gives HIM a double leg takedown, then a speaking in tongues double legdrop to boot. Christian into the ropes, reversed, and Hardy flies into Storm on the apron - back over to Christian for a double leg - Christian kicks him away and Jeff backs over the top rope to the floor when Storm lowers the bridge. Matt dutifully occupies Robinson's attention while Storm drives Jeff's head to the apron, right, right, back inside, stomp by Christian, stomp, stomp, onsale crawl, forearm in the back, up on the shoulders...and overhead into a gutbuster. Tag to Storm - held open for the kick, stomp by Christian, stomp by Storm, running his forearm across the bridge of the nose. Into the ropes, back elbow, leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Storm puts Hardy in the corne, right, right, Jeff kick, kick, kick, Storm right, into the corner, Hardy stairsteps up and comes down with the corkscrew. Tag to Matt! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, big back body drop. Christian in, Matt ducks, Side Effect, ducks Storm, Side Effect for HIM, 1, 2, Storm kicks out! Christian over but Matt blocks, right, right, into the corner, down for Poetry in Motion (GOOD OL' JR: "Whisper in the Wind!") from Jeff. Jeff tries it with Storm but nobody's home. Matt grabs Storm - gutshot - Twist of Fate doesn't happen when Christian comes up from behind and Slop Drops him. Storm hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Six quick rights from Storm. Calling to Christian and holding him up as Christian comes in with a tag team title belt - swing and Hardy (still in Storm's full nelson) ducks, then upends Christian over himself AND Storm, out of the ring! Jeff with the barricade run onto Christian - meanwhile, Matt hits the Twist of Fate on Storm as Jeff climbs - swantonbomb! Matt covers - 1, 2, Christian pulls Robinson out of the ring! Christian makes sure Robinson gets full view of him using the belt on Jeff, then on Matt (DQ 3:50) and that sure is some smart strategery. Christian puts Jeff back in - they trade blows until TEST shows up and gives Jeff Wotsitolla Boot. Test does some stomping until THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER runs out with a chain - Test hightails it as Storm eats a boot, Christian takes a chain swing - and Matt gets one as well (!) Taker out and after Storm & Christian...who appear to be following Test. We go behind the curtain...

...and outside, where Test has warmed up the car. Storm & Christian in - and off they go. Too quick for Taker, who slides the chair after them and misses. Taker decides to commandeer a nearby police motorcycle (I guess they ALWAYS leave the keys in) and engage in hot pursuit

When we return, THE WIFESWAPPER is out to mug for the camera. "And I love each and every one of you, too! But we're gonna settle this ring announcer issue in just a moment, but before I do, I have a very special announcement for Triple H. Later tonight, I have a very, very big surprise that hopefully will answer all of your questions, Triple H. Now, onto Howard and Lilian, both of you have been doing an outstanding job, really - I mean, it's been a tossup so far, quite frankly, so I've got an idea. You see, in just a few moments, I'm going to debut the trailer from Sony Pictures' newest release, 'XXX.' And at the - and at the end of that trailer, each of you will get an opportunity to add your own tagline, and whoever I feel does the best job will be the #1 ring announcer for RAW. Any questions? Super - super - let's go ahead and ah roll the trailer."

But - but this is just an AD!

"All right, uh, Howard, go for it." "Alrighty. SEE 'XXX' starring Vin Diesel and Samuel L. Jackson, beginning this Friday in theatres EVERYWHERE!" Crowd boos. "'XXX' - a nonstop thrill ride that will keep you HOT!" Crowd cheers. "Wow - hey, that was really, really good, this is not going to be easy, I know both of you have a tremendous amount of experience--" Fink: "Hold on! Hold on. Come on, experience? It's as simple as this. Unless you have a buncha sailors doing what they want to do, Lilian has NO experience above me." "You know what, Howard? Speaking of sailors, I hear that you really have a hard time getting your sail up." "I got news for ya, honey - I'M - ALL - MAN." I think Garcia starts raving in Spanish here but neither one is using the mic anymore, so it's up to Bischoff. "All right, all right, hey hey hey, let me break it up, please, please, a little professionalism - I mean really, both of you have been very, very entertaining...but unfortunately, this little piece of business has gone just a little too long - let's say, just about...three minutes...too long." Sure enough, JAMAL & ROSIE are in the ring and I presume TSN cuts to "Slam Jam" here, har har. Howard SHOVES Lilian their way and rushes out of the ring. Garcia is shoved into the press-and-Samoan Drop. Bischoff makes as hyena. "There you have it - and here you have...oh, give me more!" Somebody tosses a roll of toilet paper with PERFECT accuracy, beaning him in the head - but it doesn't faze him - he STILL flies off the top into a perfect splash. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the undisputed king in sports entertainment - Eric Bischoff! Thankyaa!" Garcia is left unconscious in the ring - and we head to the break

Coming back live, the EMTs are still attending to Garcia. Moments Ago, Last Paragraph. (They edit out the toilet paper beaning, how sad!)

CHRIS JERICHO (with Fozzy plug - and Foot Locker's House of Hoops presents SummerSlam) v. ROB VAN DAM
referee: Hebner
Ross tries to convince us that Fozzy is playing this Friday, but manages eventually to correct himself and give the correct date of Friday, 23 August. No ring announcers present, so no hometowns or weights for you (aka "I'm too lazy to paste in the last time they were announced"). Jericho doesn't wait; as soon as van Dam rolls underneath the bottom rope he gets to stompin'. Right, right, right, right, right, against the ropes, chop, right, head to the buckle, climbs to the second rope, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho ducks, van Dam back elbow, hiptoss, rolling into a monkey flip, backflip press gets 2. Kick by van Dam, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam catches the dropkick and gives Jericho the WOW Catapult over the top and outside! Here comes van Dam - somersault plancha allegedly connects! Kick to the head. Rolled back in - van Dam springs to the top - off the top but Jericho ducks the kick - van Dam lands on his feet but Jericho grabs him and gives him a German suplex! OH NO I THINK VAN DAM PISSED HIS TIGHTS!! Give that a Foot Locker Replay! Jericho stomps, kick, kick, death suplex. Jericho off the ropes and drops the elbow - another elbowdrop - a THIRD elbowdrop - making a lot of noise and the crowd responds. van Dam choked on the second rope. Off the ropes - Boss Man straddle! Jericho cups his ear to and fro and crowd boos in waves. Jericho starts to work on the turnbuckle cover - Hebner puts a stop to that, but ends up with his back to the action trying to refasten it - van Dam from behind with a schoolboy - Hebner late to the party - 1, 2, no! Jericho back up with a viscera - 1, 2, no!! Big "RVD" chant. Jericho still in control - van Dam tries a gutshot, but Jericho comes right back with a right hand of his own. Snapmares him over - then applies the standing surfboard. van Dam's not gonna give up to that. van Dam back to his feet - gutshot breaks the hold - forearm, forearm, into the ropes, Jericho hooks the ropes and van Dam misses the dropkick. Jericho tries the Lionsault - but van Dam puts up the knees!! Crowd comes alive as van Dam looks around - both men up slowly - Jericho runs into a superkick! Forearm, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam back to back over the top, catches Jericho's kick and unloads the stepover heel kick - van Dam off the ropes - Rolling Thunder! 1, 2, Jericho out! Man Hebner is doing his obvious hitch on the fake counts again - that's SOOOOOO distracting and annoying. van Dam stomps. Kick, into the ropes, Jericho slides under - leaps over the leg sweep - dropkicks van Dam! 1, 2, no! Jericho tries again - 1, 2, NO! Jericho calls Hebner a "son of a bitch" - he probably hates that "2-and-a-hitch" crap as well. Jericho chops! Chop! Chop! Into the opposite corner is reversed (van Dam almost trips and falls but catches himself) - shoulder to the gut, shoulder, superfluous backflip, goes for the third shoulder but Jericho counters (he shoulder stop doing backflips, I think) into a rollup...but instead of going for a cover, grabs both legs and tries to turn him into the Walls of Jericho! van Dam fights it, fights it, pulls down Jericho by the neck and rolls him up - 1, 2, NO!! Jericho's clothesline is ducked...but only by van Dam, NOT by Hebner! Down he goes like a ton of bricks. Jericho turns back and eats a spinning roundhouse kick. van Dam hooks the leg...but there's no ref! Jericho heads outside for a weapon. Ha ha, even with no ring announcer present, Jericho STILL shoves around timekeeper MARK YEATON to get to a chair! Jericho swings and van Dam ducks - van Dam tries for the van Daminator but Jericho ducks THAT - Jericho with the point of the chair into van Dam's gut! WHACK! Now here comes RIC FLAIR with a chair of his own - WHACK for Jericho! Flair back outside as van Dam scales the ropes - Fivestar frog splash HITS! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (7:50) Flair applauds with a smile on his face - strut - wooooo! Is he passing the torch? NO, silly! He already did that with Sid Vicious! Jericho is unhappy with Flair!

Eric Bischoff is again on his phone and we're again eavesdropping - and, again, it's nothing. That big surprise for Triple H is going to not only be big...it's going to be surprising! WALKING! AD BREAK

AMAZING! I think we made it through this *entire* show without ONE WWE-themed commercial!

Coming back live for our main event...interview. THE WIFESWAPPER is back in the ring when we return. "And now, for my big announcement - the big surprise, Triple H - if you would kindly--" The music hits and TRIPLE H RETURNS! isn't about to wait for Eric to finish his request. "This better be good, Bischoff, what do you want?" "Well, it's not what *I* want, it's - it's what YOU want. See, you've been interrogating RAW superstars all night long, trying to find out exactly who attacked Shawn Michaels, so I've got a surprise for you. I've set up a satellite feed from San Antonio, live, so you can talk to Shawn Michaels yourself." And there he is, still showing cuts and bruises - I can't decide between Farrah Fawcett in "the Burning Bed" or Angela Bassett in "What's Love Got to Do with It" but you probably get the idea. Triple H's face lights up. "Hey Shawn!" "Hey Hunter." "Shawn, ah, I don't know if you've uh, if you got my messages at all but - how you doin', man? How you feelin'?" "I got your messages, and...you know, I'm doing okay. Or, I'm doing as okay as I can be doing for a guy that got his head thrown through a car window." "Shawn, um...I feel, I feel horrible, I mean - you know - you always hear stories about people that - they got in an argument with a loved one, and then this tragedy happens and they feel guilty about it their entire life, and I just couldn't feel--" "Hey - Hunter, Hunter, look, man - you and I are cool. All right? I want you to know that. We've had our differences in the past, I know that, but we have always - always been able to work them out between each other, man to man and face to face. I need you to know that I've, I've heard, you know, what you've said over the last couple weeks...and I got the point." Bischoff: "All right, enough of the small talk - I mean, this satellite time isn't cheap." H starts to advance on him. "I mean, what - what I really mean to say is, look - I don't want you two to get cut off." "Listen, don't get your panties in a bunch, huh? Shawn...I've been goin' around this building all night tryin' to find out what happened to ya and I'm gettin' nowhere to be quite frank. Just - I mean, did you see anything, did you - man, you got any idea who did this to ya?" "Hunter, the only thing I know for sure is that the guy jumped me from behind. I mean, and after that man, I don't, I mean I don't remember anything, I woke up in the hospital." "Shawn, I swear to you and I swear in front of all these people, I'm gonna find out who did this to you. And when I find out who did this, that person is a marked man..." "Hey, hey. Hunter, take, take it easy. The police in Greensboro sent me some surveillance footage. Apparently they had a, one of those security cameras out back, ah, you know, back in the parking lot. And they sent me the footage, and if I can get these guys here to, to set that up for me, I think if we watch this, we might possibly be able to figure out just who did this. Can you guys run that for me? Now you have to watch, up in the upper right hand corner, it's pretty blurry but you have to watch." Looks like PixelVision to me - we see Shawn get rammed into the car but it's just out of the frame. H kinda nervously laughs. "Uh, d- I mean, damn, Shawn, you, you can't even see anything on that - I mean, that doesn't prove anything, and Shawn, you know I've been thinking about this and... you're not safe - whoever did this to you could do this again at any time, you need to be careful." "Look...uh...heh - the, the modern technology that they have today is, is crazy, I don't understand it, but they've told me that what they can do is ah, you know, those computers and everything, they can enhance this - ah, you'll get a closeup shot of this and they can clear it up a little bit. So, let's - can we do that, you guys, let's roll that and..." A figure walks into the frame...they zoom in and enhance it to reveal... "It was YOU, Hunter." Split screen shows Hunter looking at the mat - looking up at Shawn - spitting out his gum - and curling into a fiendish smile. "Yer damn right it was me, Shawn! You damn right. And I'm glad you found out, I'm glad you know the truth! You know why, Shawn? I was trying to prove a point. And the point is, Shawn, that you are weak. You are vulnerable! That's why you need me, Shawn! That's why you need to be by my side. That's why I wanted you as my manager, Shawn - so I could protect you! Shawn, I could have protected you, but nooooooo - your ego, your pride wouldn't let that happen, would it, Shawn? No. Shawn, I coulda crippled you in that parking lot, but I didn't. I stopped. I didn't finish the job. But you know what? Nobody else woulda stopped. They would finished the job. They woulda crippled your ass. Then what, Shawn? What would you have done then when you were a crippled mess, huh? What would you have done when you could no longer walk?" "You think I'm weak? You think I'm vulnerable? That I can't defend myself anymore? I recognise that I'm not in the best of shape right now - but the doctors have told me that I'll make a full recovery. In fact, they say I'll be 100% - 100% by say, ah....SummerSlam?" Crowd is starting to "What?" this bit. "SummerSlam, Shawn? Was that some kind of a challenge?" Shawn leans in. "You're damn right." "Shawn! C'mon. What, what are you gonna do, are you gonna talk me to death? Huh? Shawn - face facts - YOU CAN'T WRESTLE ANYMORE! You're done! It's over! Your career in this ring, Shawn - it's *finished.* H-B-K is DEAD. And whether you like it or anybody else likes it, there's a new Game in town - and Shawn, this time...I won't stop. You go through with this, I won't stop - I'll finish the job, Shawn - I will cripple your ass. And what then? Huh? What then. What if...Shawn, what if, when it's all over, you can't walk anymore? What if, when it's over, Shawn, you can't pick up your two-year-old son anymore? What if, Shawn, when this is over, you can't hold your wife anymore? Or even worse, Shawn, what if...you can't satisfy your wife anymore....as a man?" "Don't you even THINK about my wife and my son. I know I can't wrestle anymore. If I felt like displaying my ability, I'd have done it four years ago - I know that I'm no longer the Showstopper! But I can still fight. And as a man, sometimes you've gotta know when to talk - sometimes you gotta know when to walk away. Sometimes you gotta know when to fight - and the time to fight is now. In a couple weeks, I'm gonna walk down to that ring for the last time - not to wrestle, but to fight, and fight you, Hunter. And in front of the entire world, I'm gonna show my little boy...sometimes, just sometimes, you've gotta FIGHT...to be a MAN." Michaels removes the mic as the RAW Zone credits come up - WW logo and fade out.

Are you telling me Bischoff didn't reveal a SINGLE SmackDown! result? Pffft - some angle!

AFTER THE FACT: Internet superstar Drop was on-site and filed THIS report:

    Hey Zed-

    Just got back from the RAW tapings as promised. Here's my best impersonation.

    We arrive at 7:10 EST, which is just enough time to get to our seats and chat with the guys around us. Cool.

    Chris(?) from Tough Enough 1 walks by with his date as the kid behind me realizes who he is before I do. You'll remember him as the guy who quit after HHH punked his ass out in the ring. I could very well have the name ALL wrong. Oh well.

    Fed pumps us up with the Kid Rock Desire video. It's even more awesome in person.

    Dark Matches

    None. BOOOOOOO. Seems the production team was having great difficulty with the TitanTron. It was all ROYGBIV for a long time. This went on for about 25-30 minutes it seemed. I'm sure we could have gotten at least two matches in that time, but alas. The production team would continue to suck for the rest of the night. The sound went out during many of the backstage vignettes. The crowd, of course, responded to this with huge WHAT? Chants. Of interest to the HHH conspiracy theorists would be the fact that during his interaction with the Big Show, the sound cut off only during the part when Show was talking. Hmmm.

    HeAT Tapings:

    Coach and D-Lo come out to a nice ovation at about 8:15 or so.

    Shelton Benjamin defeated Shawn Stasiak
    Stasiak comes out to incredible heat. Wow, I'm impressed. Early in the match, they look to blow a leapfrog spot which becomes a pin attempt. Benjamin makes a comeback and the crowd slowly gets behind him as Stasiak works heel magic to get him a reaction. I'm not kidding. The Finish happens when Stasiak catches Benjamin's leg, looks to attempt a dragon screw leg whip that Benjamin counters with a modified enziguri. I'm sure thecubsfan will get the real call for that sequence.

    Spike Dudley defeated Steven Richards via DQ
    Spike with early offense and pinfall attempts before playing a good little bump machine. Richards puts him in a nice full-nelson camel clutch combo and the crowd tries so hard to help Spike escape. Richards eventually hits Spike with a chair for the DQ.

    Sean O'Haire defeated Justin Credible
    My God, is O'Haire huge! I'm talking HHH post injury huge. Wow. He needs a haircut. This match had zero heat, by the way. Credible works over O'Haire's arm after a missed charge. Kicks, stomps and armbars abound. O'Haire shows off all his power moves as Credible bumps for him nicely. Finish saw O'Haire nail Justin with hmmm...a modified Death Valley Driver? Looked like a fall-away slam into a Samoan drop into a brain-buster combo. Is there a book that could help me?

    D-Lo gets up to fight Raven-WAIT-
    Raven's on crutches. He proceeds to call us degenerates and tells us that he will not risk bodily harm for our enjoyment. Well fuck you too, Raven. Great heel heat for Raven here. D-Lo is pissed as he is ready to kick Raven's sorry ass out on the street. Not to fear, Raven says as Johnny the Bull enters to take up the fight. Another match with little heat. Looks like they blow a spot and from D-Lo's reaction and stiff shots afterward, it might have been Johnny's fault. Finish saw Raven crack D-Lo with the crutches and The Bull getting the pinfall.

    8:45 EST and we make TV as they pan the crowd for the "RAW comes up next on TNN" spot. Fratboy's yelling in my ear. "THERE WE ARE!!!" I remind him that his wife isn't watching so calm down. We were standing behind the kid with the white HBK sign with H-B-K in red, blue and green. Who am I kidding, nobody watches TNN at 8:45, much less tapes it, right? (Gee, THANKS. No tape for you! - CRZ)

    Time to rev us up again as the Creed Desire video plays with new clips edited in. Noticeably gone is Austin. Noticeably in are HBK, and more of Edge, Rock, Jericho, RVD and Angle. Crowd is electric.

    RAW notes:

    I don't know how the show came off at home, but it felt pretty average from where I sat. The crowd was rabid during HeAt and the opening promo, but the Big Show-Bubba Ray match and the Hardcore brawl made everybody sit on their hands and kinda killed the IMO. Crowd was also dying for Rocky. His work-out promo for SummerSlam got a great reaction. Alas he never showed.

    Happenings After the Logo is Up:

    HHH stands in the ring, posing and staring at us as if to say, "Fuck you for booing me. You think I give a shit?" WHOOOOOOOO~! Flair comes back out to a nice pop. He tells HHH that he may be the best in the business today, but what he did to HBK is Bullshit. Bullshit, he repeats. Uh, oh. Flair is all in Hunter's face. Flair has already been called a has-been on RAW and by God, there won't be a repeat in Baltimore. HHH decks him and the fight is on! Chops abound! Eye-poke! Flair back-kicks him in the crotch! Fuck you Hunter for stealing my offense! (he didn't' say that) HHH eventually takes control. Off comes the shirt (to SCREAMS?!?!) and Flair gets choked. The crowd wants Rocky to make the save, but no. A chair eventually comes into play. WHACK~! Flair's chairshots are as bad as Lance Storms. Hit the man, already! There we go. Hunter charges and hits his knee on the turnbuckle. Flair works it over and eventually wraps HHH in the figure four. HHH sells it like a champ and the crowd is NUTS!! Hunter escapes and leaves he rings. He retreats, makes his way back to the ring, suckering Flair and fighting some more before being chased off again. Play Flair's music!! It's 11:30 and man, I'm beat!

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