QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.76 (- .34, last year: 12.06, two years ago: 19 5/16)

THE "E" IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT: Haven't brought you up to speed on the PHENOMENAL success of the Neurotica CD in a few weeks. Here, according to SoundScan, is how things are going:

Spread out over seven weeks, the Neurotica CD has moved - are you sitting down? - a whopping *8,945* units. Last week saw a grand total of 752 copies sold. WOW! Being on Ozzfest DOES move product - but not like having your lead singer DIE, right? (Sorry.)

By way of contrast, the new Fozzy album "Happenstance" (which we should note is NOT on Smackdown Records) has sold 5,471 copies over two weeks (1,907 last week - check those per week averages). We'll have to check back to see if they overtake Neurotica with the live appearance tonight.

Fozzy's FIRST album sold 28,172 copies, in case you were wondering. C'mon, you KNOW you were! THEY sold 163 copies this week, which is 22% of the Neurotica number.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK: Hey, look at this!

I shit you not, this is one of the new cards in the "SummerSlam Expansion" of the Raw Deal trading card game. Big, big thanks to the people at Comic Images and especially lead tester Jeff Englert (seen in the picture above!) for sneaking me into the WWE, at least in a virtual, virtually anonymous sense. Also thanks to Jeremy Billones for being the first person to tell me about this, even though at the time I had no idea what he was talking about.

TONIGHT: What a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big main event we have for you tonight! Also, The Rock is in it! Come back in seventeen!

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Face

Opening Credits....

I GET LETTERS: He's everywhere and he's back here, too. The Cubs Fan checks in: I haven't done this since 04/01 and I thought I kept spotting something odd in there so here goes:

Raw Open:

Some random chick, "looking down her shirt" camera angle
Lead Singer, through a cage
The Moon
A hallway, with a woman at the far end
Random chick looking at herself in a mirror (or someone doing the same motions?) in a dark light room
Time laspe road scenes
The semi-crashing into the ambulance - two different angles
Triple H's water spit <- First actual wrestler!
Someone in the band? Can't tell.
Ric Flair, in darkness
Lead Singer
Big Show - he slaps himself on his chest and sparks shoot out
HBK, posing in the nWo shirt. (Old: Steve Austin slams beers together)
Jeff Hardy (Old: Matt Hardy (I think))
Jeff Hardy
(Old: Austin drinks that beer)
Lead Singer
Random Chick (Mis-IDed as Lita before)
Lead Singer
Rob Van Dam flying to the outside
A topless chick, facing away from the camera.
RAW Logo
Undertaker, face scrunched up in pain
RVD, face scrunched up in pain
Bubba Ray, face scrunched up in pain (Old: Austin, face scrunched up in pain_
William Regal, in darkness
the Rock, raising his arm up out of our sight (Old: Brock Lesnar)
Booker T
The whole band
Tommy Dreamer (Old: Scott Hall)
Guitar player
Stacy Kiebler (Old: Matt Hardy)
Drummer, from below
Random Chick
Trish (Old: Lita)
Kane (Old: Triple H)
HBK posing in the nWo Shirt (Old: Austin, blood on his face and in pain)
Kane, in darkness, doing his pyro cue
Kane's pyro
RAW Logo
Goldust (Old: Triple H)
Lead Singer.
Everyone not who's not the Singer.
Triple H
Booker T, looking at his hand, near the old entrance.
Random Chick
The Rock. (Old: Brock)
Lead Singer.
Lita, darkness.
Bradshaw, darkness.
Random (Topless) Chicks
RAW logo on the WWF-tron.
Raven - you can't see much of his funky hair here.
Random chick.
Raven (Old: Austin - many shots.)
Jericho giving Flair a chairshot on his return to RAW. (Old: Karate fighthing X-Pac, in darkness.)
Jericho posing.
Booker T (Old: Triple H)
Jeff? Just a blink.
the RAW logo comes together and that's it. (:26)

Raven's in the open of the show he's specifically banned from, how odd - I suppose they slipped him in when Austin left and never thought to change it, despite not having the tag team champs anywhere in here yet. Anyway, the downfall of the WWE could be directly traced to the heavy amount of Triple H in the opens, as long as you believe it's getting better.

You read Cubs' Heat reports right? And Velocity? And CMLL? Also, do you read his "White Space" columns? They're very good! I like the one about Matt Hardy...I hope the WWE guys read it too. That settles it, you go visit thecubsfan.com RIGHT NOW and catch up, I'll be here when you get back.

The OTHER fun thing you can do is watch the closed captioning guy valiantly attempt to transcribe the Union Underground lyrics...wow, we get bored sometimes, don't we? But that's the problem, isn't it - WEEK after WEEK after WEEK after WEEK after WEEK and STILL they refuse to see the change in me, WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

PHILANTHROPYRO and once again it's on - coming atcher LIVE from the SOLD OUT Scope in Norfolk, VA 19.8.2 and airing on the New TNN as well as the Stale TSN - and if you're so inclined, you can be a SAP - transmitido en espanol. The people over here, to the people over there, to the people the people the people people the people people


But we open tonight's show with THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER riding out on his beautiful (American-made) Bourget Python for a lap around the ring and possibly a few words with the folks at home. WHOA there sure is a gut on JIM ROSS, who hosts with JERRY LAWLER. Suck that in, man, there's no desk to hide behind in that shot! Did you ever notice that Taker never uses a mic with a logo cover? "Oh yeah. The first thing I wanna say is I've never been one to make my political opinions public...and I may not be the poster child for the All-American Boy...but I just might be. Because just like my country, I don't take no (shit)." Pause for "USA" chant. "That's the very reason that I'm proud to be a man, and I'm proud to be an American! Because only in America can a man like me...be me. If I wanna be a tattooed fire-breathin' dragon, well that's all right with you. I can do whatever I want, I can say whatever I want, and all I gotta do is be able to back it up with these soupbones. You see, these - these are the freedoms that I enjoy here in America. But you see, I realise that those freedoms, they come with a price. I realise that there's a lotta good men and women, fought and died to give me those rights! And because o' that...I have a deep and abiding respect for those individuals. And because of that respect, I gotta deep, deep problem with those individuals who come into our country and take advantage and abuse those freedoms. I'm talkin' about people who aren't even citizens of the United States. That's right...I'm talkin' about the Un-Americans...and especially Test. Y'see, Test...I'm not afraid to pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America! Now this is where it gets good - I'm also not afraid to pledge to each and every one of you - at SummerSlam, I will take Test and make an example outta him, not only for all of you, but everybody around the world, I'm gonna show him what happens when you screw with America!" YEAH TAKE THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN Another "USA" chant. "No, I'm not your All-American Boy...but I *am* the American Badass!" His music starts up...wait, was he done talking? Looking up at the stage, we see TEST drive out on a (presumably Japanese) motorcycle of his own, proudly displaying his upside down American flag behind him. Test up to the apron - and through the ropes - then swiping the stick from Taker! "Ya know somethin' Taker - for the longest time, I thought it was just America that sucked. Now that I'm standin' here in front o' you...I realise...you do too." Soupbone puts him down! Soupbone, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN hit the ring to make it three on one, BOOKER T & GOLDUST hit the ring to make it three on THREE...and the Un-Americans scatter. Storm waves the flag wildly. "Whoa! Whoa, hold, hold 'em up. I don't know about you, but I know this gold freak right here, this American Badass right here, and the five-time WCW Champion, we ain't through! Everybody know, SummerSlam, Sunday night - but the way I see it, SummerSlam starts TONIGHT. So whaddaya say - you three punk asses...against this right here? Now can u dig that, SUCKAAAA!" Hit his music! Un-Americans nod, so now we got us a big six-man added onto the docket. Let's take a break!

Tough Enough 2 trainers shill Stacker 2 - those racecar guys are STUPID

Why yes, I *am* tired of "Serving Sara" ads!

When we come back, JEFF HARDY joins JOHNNY STAMBOLI, CRASH HASNOLASTNAME, TOMMY DREAMER, CHAD PATTON, TERRI, SPIKE DUDLEY, BRADSHAW, BUBBA RAY DUDLEY and STEVEN RICHARDS in the ring. Why? Well, perhaps with the entrance of THE WIFESWAPPER, we shall soon find out. Note to Robert Lamb: Hardy is now wearing *both* hankerchiefs in his back LEFT pocket. Is this dramatic shift from bottom to top merely coincidental with his brother jumping shows? WHO CAN SAY? (You!) "The reason you are here tonight is because the 24/7 rule IS NO MORE - over, finished, done, byebye. Now each and every one of you is a former hardcore champion, including you, Terri - which is why you've been invited here to compete tonight. Because at the end of three - naw, I better make that *six* minutes, whoever is holding the title will be crowned the *official* WWE hardcore champion. Hardcore rules apply...everything you need is under the ring, you can take the match anywhere you wanna take it (just stay away from that tarp). And by the way, your time begins right about...now."

NINE PERSON HARDCORE BATTLE ROYAL - Terri wastes no time running away. Dreamer takes his kendo stick to Stamboli and Hardy, but Bradshaw bowls him over. Bradshaw and Stamboli forming an unlikely alliance on the champion. Crash on Spike, Bubba on Richards. Into the ropes, Dreamer kicks Stamboli but Bradshaw lands the Hades lariat for the 1, 2, 3. (0:32) Sounds like these reigns are gonna count, from the commentary. Stamboli on Bradshaw - quickly it's six on one with only Dreamer out. Bradshaw taken outside. I should add that referee Jack Doan is in position on the outside. Hardy and Richards go outside so the chicks can squeal and so Bradshaw can take the cookie sheet to them. Clock superimposed on screen looks about right. Bradshaw throws random objects into the ring while Spike introduces a table. There's the old kitchen sink, har har. Cookie sheet to Stamboli by Bradshaw. Dreamer has Bradshaw's bullrope and throttles Crash - Richards with the Stevenkick on Bradshaw - Crash shoved off the apron and he lands on Bradshaw - 1, 2, 3! (2:04) Hardy with a barricade run and a broomstick to Crash's face - 1, 2, Bradshaw pulls him off (and removes a hanky! Oh no!) Richards punching away on Bradshaw until Bradshaw rams him into the STEEL steps. Stamboli working on Hardy in the ring...hmm, where's Crash? Bubba shoves Stamboli over the corner to the floor, then drops to all fours to help Jeff with Poetry in Motion over the top to the outside. THERE'S Crash, shaking off Spike's Dudley 'dog attempt and tossing him over the top to the floor. Crash backs up into Bubba - tries a "Bubba, get the tables!" but Bubba ain't going for that, gutshot, table powerbomb! But Dreamer is back in - Dudley ducks, left, left, left, flip flop and WHAMMO eats the cane across the forehead. Dreamer covers Crash - 1, 2, 3! (3:43) Bradshaw in - gutshot, powerbomb for Dreamer, Hades lariat folds up Richards - covers Dreamer - 1, 2, Bubba flies in and saves! Dreamer swings and Bubba ducks, Bubbabomb - 1, 2, Bradshaw saves! Spike sneaks in a cover, 1, Bradshaw picks him up and tosses him outside. Bradshaw puts Dreamer up top (almost flubbed but recovered in time ) - Bubba up from under Bradshaw before he can superplex him and there's the old uppernut. Bubba powerbombs Bradshaw, then climbs up after Dreamer - HE superplexes him! 1, 2, Bradshaw saves. Under a minute to go now... Spike sneaks in ANOTHER cover, Bradshaw shoves him off again. Bubba with the cane across Dreamer's face, WHACK, Bradshaw with the cookie sheet to Dudley - TIMMMMBER fell on Dreamer - Bradshaw pulls on Dreamer, shaking off Bubba - Spike saves when Bradshaw gets 2, Spike prevents another cover, Spike covers but Dreamer kicks out, Bubba with the cookie sheet, Spike Bubba and Bradshaw all trying to cover at the same time...but time is up. (6:00 time limit) Hey, that was actually six minutes! But why go to all that trouble and end up with the same champion as when you started? THEN, the Kane pyro hits - and the screen displays some words... "MY FUTURE IS CLEAR / A DATE WITH THE DEVIL / A DANCE WITH HIS MISTRESS / MY PATH IS CHOSEN" So...he's coming to RAW and he's gonna dance with Stacy Keibler? (No, Tori's coming back! Don't you see?) I think that's just wishful thinking there, pally. (Oh. Well, you're probably right about Bischoff, then.)

To Bischoff's office where Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler are chatting about why they're here. Stacy says she thinks Eric invited her here to give her a title shot. "How is it that you deserve a title shot?" "Well, *I* was the one that helped Eric screw Stephanie." "Or maybe because YOU want to screw Eric." Eric's eavesdropping. "Okay, Trish, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? I mean, are you sure you wanna be Women's Champ, Trish? Or would you be more comfortable barking like a dog?" "Whoa, ladies, ladies, settle down, settle down. I mean, the reason I invited you both to RAW tonight, and the reason I asked you both to come by my office tonight is really...quite simple. Sex appeal! You see, nobody really cares about women's wrestling--" "Excuse me?" "No." "Oh, really." "Really. So, let's give the fans what they REALLY wanna see - a bra and panties match! But...let's make it competitive. Let's have a bra and panties match...in the mud! Ladies, I'd say you best get dressed, or should I say undressed because you're next." Oh man he said "you're next" that means GOLDBERG IS COMING

SummerSlam promo (Brock) - IT'S THIS SUNDAY

Heeeey check out Team RAW Friday in Youngstown, Saturday in Trenton, SummerSlam is SOLD OUT, RAW is MSG, Friday in Lincoln and Saturday in Springfield!

THE FINK is standing near the tarp to intro the bra and panties match - and presumably to eat some mud pretty soon. Aha, he and Charles Robinson remove the tarp to expose the mud...

TRISH STRATUS v. STACY KEIBLER in a Special bra and panties mud match - Keibler up from behind and throws Stratus off the stage and into the mud! (OUCH) No bell so we'll start the clock here. While Stacy makes her way down to the pit, we take a Foot Locker Replay. Stratus pulls Keibler into the pit. Of course, Stacy grabs Robinson and HE goes into the mud. Everything's one colour now. Stratus spanks Keibler. Ross gets all insider on us with "That'll leave a bruise, King!" Stacy tries to dunk Stratus until she can't breath - big slap. Stratus somehow reverses and...okay, let's fast forward to the end. Stacy falls out of the pool, schoolboy (girl, whatever), 1, 2, 3. (1:49) For an encore, Stratus shoves Keibler AND The Fink into the mud. Oh ho ho!

The Rock arrives (late)! Nikki, a production assistant, presents him with a package from Paul Heyman. Rock thinks she said "package FOR Paul Heyman" and wastes some time making a hilarious list (Viagra, twinkies, Rogaine, copy of "Ass Fetish Weekly"), throwing out catchphrases ("Finally...") and pausing to listen to the crowd chant "Rock E." Then, introducing himself to her with a handshake, Rock's leg starts uncontrollably twitching - oh, see, that's not his leg, it's his MIGHTY DICK. Finally, The Rock (HAS COME BACK TO) opens the FedEx...he ruffles through the glossies inside, smirks, drops them to the floor and walks off. Camera zooms in to see lots of pictures of a bloodied Hulk Hogan from after his SmackDown! match with Lesnar.

MOMENTS AGO: Stratus took a header into the mud pool from the stage, but managed to take the fall. Also, The Fink in the mud - AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Commentators display the latest RAW Magazine - and JR's gut

Next Monday morning in New York, head over to Federal Hall on Wall Street and join the Pledge to Participate Tour with Edge, Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle, Stacy Keibler, Bradshaw, Mark Henry AND Governor George Pataki! Also some fireman, but they don't get any graphic space - maybe they're worried about a strike

TRIPLE H RETURNS! Sunday, he takes on Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam. Later tonight, he takes on The Rock. Now, he takes on a pink polo shirt and ready to wear slacks. In one hand, a clipboard; in the other, THE STICK. "You know nine times outta ten, what takes place in this ring is strictly business. You see, that's the way I do it - everything I do in this ring, it's business for me. Except for this time. You see, at SummerSlam, Shawn Michaels versus Triple H...this one's personal. It's very personal. And you see (3), as much as I wanna fight Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam, unless Shawn Michaels takes care of a little piece of business, there is gonna be no match at SummerSlam. Now I sent these papers, I sent copies of these contracts to Shawn Michaels over the weekend - they need to be signed and they need to be sent back and I've yet to receive a signature from Shawn Michaels. And until I do, the way I see it there will be no match at SummerSlam. You see (4) 'cause what this paper is, this paper is my piece of mind. This paper holds me harmless. This paper says that when, not if, but when I cripple Shawn Michaels, when I leave him a bloody pile in this ring, when I leave Shawn Michaels in a wheelchair for the rest of his life....that I cannot be held legally responsible. These papers, when signed, state that I can have my way with Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam, and there is not a damn thing that anybody can do about it. So Shawn, if you want your moment in the sun, if you want your chance to shine, then Shawn, I suggest you sign these, and you get these papers back to me as soon as possible. You take care of this business, and I'll take care of you...personally. Now Shawn, tonight I know you're gonna be watching - and I know somebody else that's gonna be watching too - Brock L--" H stops to subtly encourage an "asshole" chant. "You have no idea. The other person that's gonna be watching this match tonight is Brock Lesnar. Now Brock, I'm sure you're at home, sitting in front of the TV, waiting with great anticipation like the rest of the world is, on the edge of their seat, knowing that tonight, the two greatest franchise players in the industry today are gonna go head to head in this ring. Because tonight, it's gonna be Triple H...and it's gonna be The Rock. That's right - The Game and The Great One, one more time. But the title this time is not on the line. But I'll tell you what is, Brock, and this is where it interests you - what is on the line is The Rock's ass - because Eric Bischoff as of a few moments ago has made this match No Disqualification. And I am gonna send a message to Shawn Michaels through The Rock. I am gonna annihilate The Rock in this ring tonight. But I'm gonna do you a favour, Brock Lesnar - I am gonna leave just this much of The Rock left. I am gonna leave just enough for The Rock to show up at SummerSlam. And you remember this - Brock Lesnar, when you show up Monday at RAW..." "Rock E!" "When Brock Lesnar shows up Monday at RAW the NEW Undisputed Champion...Brock Lesnar, when you walk in that building with your new shiny belt around your waist, know one thing...I'm gonna be waiting for you. So Brock, tonight you watch - and Shawn Michaels, you watch...but Shawn, if I was you, I wouldn't let your wife watch, and I sure as hell wouldn't let your kid watch." The Y2J Countdown interrupts at this point and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out to model his Fozzy T-shirt. "Oh, oh oh, I'm sorry, Hunter - did I interrupt your little speech? Huh? It doesn't feel very good, now does it?" "Well, you know, you know what, Chris, you've got a point there - it doesn't feel very good - but you know, it probably feels a lot better than gettin' your ass kicked at WrestleMania for the Undisputed title!" "Ha ha, ho ho ho - oh ho ho ho - oh ho - oh that's rich - that's tremendous - oh, oh - Triple H should stand for Hunter Hearst HILARIOUS! Oh yeah! Ha ha. But I think you've got it wrong, Triple H. I didn't come out here to argue with you, I came out here to agree with you, and I'll tell you why: I don't think you've realised it, Hunter, but you and I have a lot in common. Oh yeah, oh yeah, we've got a lot in common, for example, we share an intense hatred for one another and we have from the moment I came to the WWE three years ago. And for two, at SummerSlam, we're both facing opponents who are nothing more than washed up has-beens. Oh yeah, you with Shawn Michaels and me with Ric Flair. Oh yeah! As a matter of fact, Hunter, you and I are almost exactly alike except for the fact that I have a hell of a lot more talent. And I'm gonna prove it tonight, when my band Fozzy plays live, right here in front of all these jackasses!" "Fozzy sux!" chant. "Oh yeah, okay, all right, all right, you know what, come to think of it, we don't have anything in common - especially at SummerSlam, because I have a much easier opponent than you. *I* am facing that assclown Ric Flair! Ric Flair, a man with one tenth of my talent, one tenth of my CHARISMA, and one tenth of my legendary status in this business! Let's face it - at SummerSlam, it's Flair, the sixteen-time LOOOOOOSER...versus Jericho, the One and Only King - OF THE WOOOOOORLD!" RIC FLAIR is out with a garbage can to Jericho! Flair puts it over Jericho's head and shoves him down the ramp. "The only thing you do better than me, pal, is talk trash! Woooo!" Play his music! Triple H....watches. Wow, that sure was tossed together at the last minute without any thought, wasn't it? Remember when *Flair* gave kick-ass interviews? Maybe it was longer ago than I thought it was....

The WWE Boot of the Week is brought to you by LUGZ! From a week ago, Test pins Taker to win the big eight-man tag

BOOKER T & GOLDUST (506 pounds) and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 328 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, Whacko Tobacco, and Lugz!) v. THE UN-AMERICANS (Canada - 736 pounds)
They decide to take it to them out on the ramp - Taker puts Christian in the ring and follows, so ring the bell! Oh, there's the RAW Credits, "transmitido en espanol SAP," "TV-14-DLV" & "CC" boxes, too. Christian into the corner, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, head to the adjacent buckle, into the opposite buckle, powerslam out, Test breaks it up at 2. Tag to T - open shot, right, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, T ducks, flying jalapeno! Flapjack! 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Christian with a knee in the gut, forearm to the back, tag to Storm...who runs into a hiptoss - T arm wringer, opens him up for the back kick, clothesline for Christian, free shot for Test, Storm sneaks one in and tosses him outside, allowing Test enough time to run T into the STEEL steps while Patrick chats him up...well, except for getting full view of Test's actions. Now Patrick is out to stop Goldust and Taker from running around the ring, while Test puts T back in - in without a tag, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, tag to Christian. Kick, kick, kick, snapmares him over, right, right, right, blatant choke. Mounts the back and there's a good old-fashioned infuriatig enemy pummel. Tag to Test. Held open for the knee. "USA" chant. Into the opposite corner, follow lariat by Test. Back to the first corner, but T gets the elbow up - now T is coming back right, right, ducked, full nelson slam by Test (an Un-American using the "Uncle Slam?!") gets 2 and Taker saves. Test goes to the headlock. Crowd claps for T - T fighting to get back to his feet - elbow to the gut, elbow breaks it up, chop, into the ropes is reversed into a knee - Test wants the Meltdown but T goes down the back, ducks again, and hits with the sidekick! Both men are down and out of position - now each man crawls - tag to Christian - tag to Goldust! Right, right, right for Storm, atomic drop for Christian, clothesline for Storm, bulldog for Christian, powerslam for Storm, to the corner for a Ten Punch Count Along for Christian...now setting him up for Shattered Dreams (!) but Patrick tries to block the way...now Storm is in - Taker heads him off - soupbone, clotheslines him outside. Christian STILL in position - Taker turns Patrick one way and 'dust DOES find Christian's 'nads with the quick kick! But when he turns back, he eats the Wotsitolla Boot from Test! Taker over to Test - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, scooped on the shoulder, snake eyes, big boot off the ropes, clothesline takes him outside! Storm tries to come in - Taker chokeslams him! Test pulls Taker outside - right, right, knee by Taker, soupbone, right, soupbone, they're heading up the ramp - meanwhile, Christian finally manages a cover on Goldust - 1, 2, T breaks it up! Storm back in the ring but T back kicks him - off the ropes with the axe kick! But Christian slop drops T. Goldust back up - gutshot for Christian, wants the Curtain Call but not before Storm is in the ring with a title belt in hand - while Patrick tries to wrest the gold from Storm, Goldust lets go of Christian and uppercuts Storm - but somehow Christian got hold of the OTHER belt and brains Goldust - cover - 1, 2, 3! (6:16) Well, now they're 2-0, but Ross SWEARS those sons of bitches are gonna pay at SummerSlam! DAMN THEM!

SummerSlam promo (Rock does plyometrics - geez, this goes on FOREVER)

Check out the marquee of the SCOPE!

Bischoff talks to Rob van Dam - the intercontinental title is very important, and he needs him to bring it back to RAW on Sunday. Big Show interrupts, asking Bischoff "...what's the deal man? I thought you and I were tight. Why's he gettin' the IC title shot and not me?" "Uhhh....maybe 'cause....you're a tool?" "Look. I am seven foot two, I am five hundred pounds. I'm a GIANT." "Okay - you're a GIANT tool." "Look here - let me take him on one on one - winner faces Benoit at SummerSlam." Bischoff says no way - RVD is the man with the clause. "C'mon, Eric, lemme take him on anyway - then I can change your mind!" Bischoff says he doesn't want to risk van Dam getting injured going into SummerSlam and giving Benoit (and SmackDown!) an advantage. van Dam stops him. "Nah, you know what, dude? I'm cool with this. No, I could use a good match tonight - loosen me up. I can't be stiff for SummerSlam - well, not too stiff." Bischoff reluctantly agrees, but says that the title shot is NOT on the line, and he wants no funny business - he wants a clean match because he needs RVD 100% going into Sunday. "No problem!" He walks off. "Oh, there's a problem - there's a very BIG problem."

Terri stands at the interview set with Ric Flair. Just what was his major announcement from three weeks ago? FINALLY, somebody asks! "Whatever my announcement was, it has now been put on hold!" Ah, SHIT. "You wanna know WHY? Wooo you wanna know why? Because Chris Jericho took it upon himself to hit the Nature Boy with a chair, he's started something he's not big enough to get away with! I'm totally focused on Y2J! And this Sunday, woooo! at SummerSlam, I am gonna walk that aisle one more--" A garbage can sails into the picture and I guess he wasn't TOTALLY focused on Jericho. Jericho rams him into the set scaffolding, lays in the badmouth, then runs him into - OH NO! NOT THE KLANGY POLES!! Flair's bleeding. Chad Patton tries to restrain Jericho but he throws HIM into NOOOOOOOO NOT *ANOTHER* SET OF KLANGY POLES Everybody's left laying.

Local ad hypes a SmackDown! house show - the San Jose stop on the JVC Tour of Defiance 21 September! Check out Edge, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar!

ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with Fayetteville hype - see The Rock!) v. THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
We take a long, loving look at a muddy Fink during Show's intro. Show evades a spin kick, but van Dam moves in with kicks to the leg, off the ropes - Show shoves him into the corner. van Dam ducks the charge - dropkick to the knee, second rope kick, tumbling run...Show catches him and throws him into a corner. van Dam rolls out to recover. Running knee - van Dam out of the way and Show knees the steps! van Dam on the apron - spinning guillotine! Hit the WWE Live onsale crawl. Show palms van Dam's head and shoves him into the barrier - now lifts him up for a spine to the ringpost. Show tosses the top half of the STEEL steps into the ring and Diesels back into the ring. Got him in the choke - van Dam kicks him and gets out of the choke! Kick, kick, superfluous backflip...oops, Show caught him in the choke AGAIN - and this time he *does* drop him with ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Show picks up the steps - he's gonna spike him. "Hey! Hey! Show! STOP! What the hell are you doin'? What are you doin'? Dammit! Three minutes! Yeah, three minutes!" Show continues to hold the steps over his head for an excruciatingly long period of time while we wait for Jamal & Rosie - who I think I'll now call THE NEW GOOD OL' J&R hit the ring and hit Show from behind (DQ 2:35). Into the ropes, double shoulderblock - double elbowdrop. Show's legs are pinned down underneath the steps while he gets a top rope splash from...one of them.

SummerSlam spot #3 (Michaels)

There's the World! The World! You can watch the pay-per-view at The World!

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with The Rock, who provides a detailed history of The Rock and Triple H - they go back to when they were little babies ("My diaper is that damn wet!" Rock sticks a rattle up his ass), back to Colonial Days (George Rockington against Benedict Helmsley - "I cannot tell a lie - you are a monkey's anus," sticks the Constituation up his ass), and back to caveman days ("Fire good," Rock sticks a club turned sideways up his ass). Rock says for the 4,999,000th time he's gonna lay the smack down all ALLL over Nor-FUCK! Well, he must have said "Norfolk" else he'd'a been bleeped, right? Coach says they've received a videotape from Paul Heyman - once again Rocky has trouble hearing the word "from," saying "The Rock doesn't want to see a videotape of Paul Heyman! Paul Heyman doing what? Probably laying naked on the beach, sittin' there watching Brock Lesnar work out! What is that what he's doing - like a big fat walrus, cheering on Brock (barking like a seal) Brock Brock Brock - Brock Brock Brock - no the Rock don't wanna see that crap - show it, you probably wanna see it, let's see Paul Heyman naked. (shudders) Good God."

Here's a Special Video Look at Brock Lesnar, with about a thousand different shots of him giving the F-5 to everybody. "Footage courtesy of: the Next Undisputed WWE Champion Brock Lesnar"

Coach says it's rumoured that Lesnar & Heyman are somewhere in the building. Rock calls him Joan Rivers, then says "the millions." While he's been begging Brock to just bring it, he's brought nothing, nothing, nothing. Until Brock actually brings it, until he comes correct, no half-stepping to the Rock, he won't be known as the Next Big Thing - rather, the Next Big Bitch. Again, Rock invites Lesnar to Just Bring It. Rock takes the mic and allows Coach to leave the frame so he can hit "If Ya Smellllllllllllll" and so on. OH AND THE EYEBROW!

Hey, can I take a stroll into 1-style pretend insider mode? It's just...well, it's kinda *funny* the way Rock got two segments to make fun of Paul Heyman - segments that may have had input from a RAW writer who might (as we in the business say) "have heat" with Heyman, the lead writer for SmackDown! - perhaps under the gun, knowing that the popular opinion is shifting towards the show that they're NOT writing on, perhaps out of comic books to read and looking for ways to get some shots in knowing that Heyman can't strike back in similar fashion, as there isn't any equivalently exploitable writer slash character...hey, you see how rumours get started now? Just mull it over; maybe it's something we can watch for in coming weeks. You and I can have our own insider stuff! WOW! When will Heyman put MY number on his speed dial?! (wink!)

When we come back, we follow Triple H into Eric Bischoff's office. His FAX came in - Shawn Michaels' signature is on the release. "Beautiful." "I'm sure you know, ah, you know that I'm showin' my ass on this one, Hunter." "Really." He checks him out. "Why don't you bend over, Eric, I can't tell from here." "Clever. Very clever. But I'm about to do something even more clever. Who do you think is responsible if something happens to either you or Shawn? Who do you think Vince McMahon's going to come to if the WWE gets sued? Me. So I'm gonna protect myself on this one, Triple H. I'm not gonna sanction your match at SummerSlam. As far as the WWE is concerned, officially, your match'll never happen." "But it will happen, Eric. That's the thing, it will happen. And everybody that watches it on pay-per-view, and everybody that sits there at Nassau Coliseum, will see the most brutal match that they have ever seen. The last image that ANYONE has of Shawn Michaels is gonna be a bloody, crippled, mess in that ring. And regardless of whether you sanction it or not, it will be an image that lives in their minds, in your mind, and in my mind...forever." Oh, there's a portrait of Eric on the wall, too.

There's Fozzy's CD cover!

Hey, it's a guy in a pig costume! Is he related to Jericho? "Performing 'To Kill a Stranger,' from their new album Happenstance, please welcome FOZZY!" OW MY EPILEPSY Man, Jericho must be having problems with his monitor because he sounds like he can't really hear himself. Lawler makes sure he talks over the song repeatedly, just in case anybody felt like making an mp3 out of this performance and saving a little scratch - which is pretty much an unwarranted fear, because Jericho has to sound MUCH better on the CD - I can tell that even from the short snippet we've heard in the ads. Number of times Moongoose McQueen is mentioned: zero. Man, talk about killing the illusion - you still could have said it just ONCE even though there's no more kayfabe about Jericho's dual identity. I know you're wondering. Song lasts (4:35). "Does Fozzy rock or what? So that's how you appreciate true rock and roll talent, huh? Well, you know what? You know what? We think that Norfolk sucks anyways - and even though you don't deserve it, we're gonna play another song for you jackoffs right now!" But RIC FLAIR is out, steals a guitar, breaks it, chases Jericho to the ring...then goes back to the stage and pushes over all the speakers, stomps on the mics, generates some really exciting feedback (haha, no, I mean literally), then runs after Jericho with a guitar corpse until Jericho runs out through the crowd. Lawler calls Jericho "Fozzy" - pffft. Ross suggests "I Ran Like a Scalded Dog" for Fozzy's next CD title. Flair breaks the guitar over the ringpost, ALMOST taking out the front row (and almost certainly one cameraman) with shrapnel. We fade out from here.

Another house show ad - tix on sale on the 31st!

Commentators shill Fozzy's appearance at The World Friday. Ross fails to suck in his gut

Roll the footage! It's time to announce the upcoming card! Hey, just for fun, let's do it Herb Kunze style:

  • The WWF has SummerSlam on Sunday. The line-up has:
    • Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels in a No DQ match
    • Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho
    • Lance Storm & Christian vs. Booker T & Goldust for the Tag Team Titles
    • Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
    • Undertaker vs. Test
    • Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero
    • Chris Benoit vs. Rob van Dam for the IC Title
    • Rock vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title

    On paper, this card looks stronger than any we've seen all year. Half the matches have the potentital to really be something special given the proper amount of time, while the other half (if kept short) shouldn't prove as offensive as if Big Slow or Kane were on the card.

  • Hey, that was fun!

    In the locker room, Rock psyches up for his big match. His cel phone rings, but he doesn't bother answering it before leaving. Hmm I wonder if it's...

    Sure enough, IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL & KING BROCK LESNAR walk down the staircase to their front row seats. Heyman leaves Rock a voicemail. "See ya in a moment!" Hey, dig that Nitro shirt on the guy behind them - YES, ANOTHER STRANGE COINKYDINK

    Stacker 2 brings you the WWE Burn of the Night! From last week, Brock Lesnar's interference leads to Triple H giving Rock the Pedigree.

    When we come back, THE WIFESWAPPER is back out to lecture Heyman & Lesnar about the consequences of them even THINKING about interfering in the main event...

    TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Foot Locker's House of Hoops presents SummerSlam SUNDAY!) v. THE ROCK (Undisputed Champion - Miami, Florida - 275 pounds) with no disqualifications
    referee: EARL HEBNER
    Entrances burn off about four minutes. Well, let's see what they got. Staredown. Now some words are being exchanged. Finally, H puts up a hand for Rock to talk to...then steps back and makes the international "just bring it" sign. More words - another beckon from H - so Rock pops him, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, Rock clothesline out, clothesline, clothesline, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversal attempted but Rock pulls him back to the original corner, taking H over the top to the outside! Rock out after him...running clothesline. Scooped up - H down, scoops up Rock - and drops HIM on the barricade! H in and out - another drop on the barricade for Rock. H in - Hebner in - H out. Rock rolled back in, now everybody's back in. Rock comes up punching - right, right, off the ropes but H buries the knee and Rock flips. H with a stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Knee. H outside, pulls Rock over the edge of the apron, and throws an elbow. H back in the ring. Rock comes back, right, right, H with a knee, knee, shoulder in the corner, shoulder, shoulder. Into the ropes, elbow in the gut. Into the ropes again...and there's the old abdominal stretch and why not add a little leverage with the pull of the rope? We check outside - lots of security still hanging around where Lesnar and Heyman are seated. H lets go of the rope as Lawler decides THIS will be the time he mentions that it doesn't matter if Hebner sees him or not since this is a no-DQ match - gee, way to go to all that trouble to hide it from him, Triple H. Rock executes the hiptoss after powering up. Rock right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT no H pokes him in the eye. Running double clothesline and both men are down. Hebner puts on the count. Both men up at eight. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" but goes down afterwards. Both men up again - Rock again manages "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Rock right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and down he goes. H into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, 1, 2, H kicks out! H goes back to the eyepoke...but Rock pulls H into the spinebuster! There goes the elbowpad - let's see if we get it - off the ropes, off the ropes, People's Elbow DOES land, Rock clutches his ribs but eventually makes the cover - 1, 2, Hebner does that annoying hitch so you know it's NO! H begging off in the corner...then hits him with an uppernut (Hebner STILL decides to pretend he's not seeing this stuff even though it's a no-DQ match - arrgh). Rock tossed outside. H out - has the steps - BONG. H puts Rock back into the ring, then goes outside to retrieve Ye Olde Sledghammere. For no good reason, Lesnar's over the rail now...well that draws the attention of all the Security folk, anyway. Hebner tries to stop H, but he knees him and tosses him through the ropes to the outside. H awaits Rock getting up...but before he can swing, MR. WHYSPYR is in the ring! Right hand, right hand, right hand, running start - H ducks and LESNAR takes the hit on the apron! Michaels turns back and H levels him with a clothesline. Here comes the Pedigree - no, Rock is back up - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, H counters with the facebuster. H with a choke...now *Lesnar* is back in and trying to get Michaels, but after he spins him around it's Michaels - right, right, right, right, superkick! Commentators are way "WHOOOOOOOA WHAT A KICK" but really it wasn't. Lesnar back over the rail and Security works on escorting him outta here. Back to the ring - Michaels is holding his back (oh puhleeze) and now over to H and Rock - Rock right, right, right, H walks into ROCK BOTTOM! and Rock runs to the corner, climbing up and asking Lesnar AGAIN to Just Bring It...but he's being escorted out. So Rock decides to go out after him. We look back at Triple H with a security guard under each arm - looks like he's trying to direct traffic, guiding them? Sure enough, Michaels decides to try a tope, catches one of his legs on the top rope but STILL manages to land on the pile. Security tries to keep them separated, taking H up the ramp - actually more like he puts a guard in a headlock and backs up the ramp as if he's being pushed except he isn't (ha) - now Michaels runs after and jumps - Michaels right, H, Michaels, Michaels winds up and H rolls down the ramp! Ross is uncharacteristically restrained as he says "FOUR YEARS MY ASS!" Well, I'm kidding about the "restrained" part. HEY RAW Zone credits are up and I guess we're outta here! Umm oh and stop the clock (N[itr]o contest? 10:25)

    Hey, God bless Triple H for trying, 'cause it's sure starting to look like it's *not* that Michaels is intentionally dogging it now to lower our expectations but that he really IS rusty/can't bring it. I remain optimistic for Sunday, don't get me wrong, just.....well, not *quite* as much, you know? But boy howdy, how about that biggest main event ever ending in a No Contest, huh? We've never seen THAT one before, eh? Eh? DON'T MISS A MINUTE!

    [slash] wrestling

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