ALERT: My cable
company might not let me get this week's TNA show! Is it
a curse or a blessing? I'll keep you posted! (Fear not, my brother will
eventually send me a tape.)
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.91 (+ .15, last year: 12.12, two years ago: 20 1/4)
TONIGHT: It's the night after SummerSlam! Look at the wwe.com front page! Look at the new Undisputed champion! Look at NO glimpse of what's coming in tonight's show! Say, maybe *this* is how they score that "PPV bump"
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Look at my dimples
Opening Credits - sorry, I had some work to do, and then I got really tired. Tired?! WHY WON'T I WAKE UP
GETALIFEPYRO! Coming to you LIVE from Madison Square Garden in New York, NY 26.8.2 - there's 16,875 in the house and you and me watching on The New TNN (or possibly TSN - for you) as this show is transmidito en espanol SAP and don't forget The World...how can you?
Hey look guys, THE WIFESWAPPER *finally* made it to MSG. "Welcome! Welcome to Eric Bischoff's Monday Night RAW! And I promise each and every one of you people a VERY very historic evening - we're going to combine two titles into one when the Hardcore champion Tommy Dreamer faces YOUR new intercontinental champion RVD right here on RAW! And in that ring, we're going to honour a very, very special WWE Hall of Famer with a lifetime achievement award, right here on RAW! But more important that all of that, allow me to introduce to you, making his very first appearance here on RAW, the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, BROCK LESNAR!" Lesnar is accompanied by IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL - handshakes all around and Bischoff heads to the back while *they* head to the ring. Of course, the first voice you hear is not the champ's. "We, ah...we stand here tonight on the sacred ground..." "Rock E!" "Eh -eh eh eh AHEM! We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena - Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat the Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!" "Well, listen to this - I'm 25 years old - just 25! I'm the youngest WWE Undisputed champion in history - in history! I'm the youngest ever! Nobody, I am the youngest EVER. And nobody - NOBODY can beat me!" "You know, right here tonight, in New--" Shawn Michaels' music interrupts at this point, but I have a feeling this won't be...sure enough, it's TRIPLE H RETURNS! decked out in a not unremarkable imitation of Michaels. "Cut the music! That is the last time you will ever hear that Shawn Michaels crap again! Last night at SummerSlam, I crippled Shawn Michaels! Shawn did not even belong in the same ring with me! And now - now Shawn Michaels will never get in the ring again. As a matter of fact, Shawn Michaels will probably never even WALK again. So Brock...oh, the mistakes of youth. Twenty-five years old - just a boy - just a boy, and the Undisputed champion of the world. But remember something, Brock - you wouldn't be champion if it wasn't for me. Last week, I told you I would soften The Rock up for ya - and I did. But I also told you, Brock, that when you came out here on RAW with your shiny new championship belt on around your waist...that I would be waiting. So here I am. Now - you, my friend, owe me." H in the ring. "And I just wanna know one thing - are you man enough to play The Game?" They stand nose to nose...but before anything can happen, we get *another* interruption and entrance - this time from THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER. Heyman decides to leave the ring with the title belt as Taker joins the party *in* the ring. "The way I see it, Triple H, we got this thing all wrong. The way I see it, I get first crack at the young blood. Because as the #1 Contender, I think I need to know...are you really the Next Big Thing? Or the Next Big Bitch?" But before THIS staredown can come to anything - Triple H is in from behind and now a doubleteam ensues. Beaten down in the corner, Lesnar and H pull off to resume THEIR staredown...but Taker is up - H in the corner, Lesnar on H, clothesline for Lesnar, soupbones and lefts for H, soupbone, soupbone for Lesnar, soupbone, to the opposite corner for H, opposite corner for Lesnar, H clotheslined out of the ring, open-handed slap for Lesnar (ooh!), again, and a big boot puts HIM on the outside. H back in...Taker assumes fighting stance and H decides maybe he'd better back off this time. Play Taker's music!
Don't miss the WWE Tour of Defiance at the Compaq Center 21 September!
Bischoff is behind the commentators when we return. "I said it was going to be a historic night - and it will be! Tonight in the main event we're gonna find out who the #1 Contender for the WWE title is when the American Badass takes on Triple H in the main event!"
BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds -
with Goldust & WPVI-TV footage of
some Philadelphia Eagle looking at his hand) v. CHRISTIAN (co-tag team
champion - Toronto, Ontario - 225 pounds - with Lance
Earlier Today on Wall Street, Gov. George Pataki and lots of WWE folks gathered, along with a big copy of the constitution, for the Smackdown Your Vote/Pledge to Participate tour kickoff in New York - I have a hunch this is the last time we see The Rock for a looooooong while
TONIGHT: a tuxedo/evening gown match between Howard Finkel and Lilian Garcia
Yes we are in New York City - otherwise, you wouldn't see this shot of the Empire State Building!
Backstage, Christian tantrums: "I was ripped off out there! This is crap!" "But we still got these!" Test joins them, flag in hand... "Hey, hey, chill out man - relax, man,it's just one match - besides, I've got something big planned tonight that'll have people talkin' boat the Un-Americans...for years to come..." He slowly unrolls the flag...
BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville -
440 pounds - with RAW in Milwaukee
hype [obligatory catering reference here]) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI &
WILLIAM REGAL (507 pounds - with Molly Holly and Earlier
Standing next to the door marked "RAW SPECIAL GUEST," Bischoff says "...it's really my honour, I assure you, especially here in this building to have a Hall of Famer like you here, and to be in the ring with you it means an awful lot to me. Now, I'm gonna go out to the ring in just a few moments, and when you hear me introduce you - make yourself comfortable, but when you hear that introduction, come on out and just enjoy the moment. I'll see you out there." Commentators wonder if it's Bruno - don't they KNOW Bruno Sammartino *still* isn't in the Hall of Fame?
Take a look at the WWE.com homepage!
Backstage, the camera has caught up with Molly and Christopher - "Thank you so much - I can't believe I almost went through that table! Well...it's nice to know there's at least *some* gentlemen left in this world! You know, if there's anything - and I mean anything that I can do to repay you, please, let me know..." Big sweaty hug. "Oh, I'm sure I can think of something..." and then he makes a face. Gosh, I hope Molly never sees the tape of this show!
Why yes, Bischoff *is* in EVERY segment tonight. He's out in the ring now. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a pleasure and an honour to introduce to you my guest tonight. A man who is a legend and a Hall of Famer (and brought to you exclusively to RAW by Eric Bischoff) - ladies and gentlemen, the one...the only..." The familiar music hits: "Super-super-superfly!" JIMMY "SUPERFLY" SNUKA is out to say "Hoo!" Anybody sense the immediate presence of a couple of big Samoans? Bischoff has a plaque in hand. "Jimmy Snuka, all I can say is...WOW! I mean, this is overwhelming. But before we go any further, I've prepared a special tribute just for you here tonight - some of the highlights of your career including one from right here in Madison Square Garden - let's take a look, let's roll that tribute!" Tribute follows - this is the point where most recappers usually make a crack about covering up a murder or something like that, but by now I like to think of myself as above that kind of straining for that kind of credibility, wink wink. Instead, I'll go for MY cheap laugh by saying "footage of his Nitro cage match with Jeff Jarrett is NOT included." See how it works? "Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the WWE Lifetime Achievement Award. Jimmy, how does it feel, what's going through your mind?" "I just wanna say thank--" "Ho ho - you know what? Jimmy? All I can say is, I mean this is magic right here in Madison Square Garden, standing next to you, you know - this is a classic - you know, for the last three minutes I've been thinking...wait a minute. Did I just say 'three minutes?' I mean, Jimmy Snuka, I mean - legend or not, man, I gotta tell ya, your three minutes are just about up!" JAMAL OR ROSIE is in the ring - Snuka chop, chop, backhand chop! And now ROSIE OR JAMAL is in the ring behind him...staredown...until the first guy is back up and forearming him from behind into a clothesline from ahead. He was clotheslined out of his flip-flops!! One guy holds him down while the other guy does the (not) Superfly Splash on Snuka. Well, at least Bischoff's happy.
Moments Ago, you just read it. Apparently, Jamal is the guy doing the splash.
The REFS are attending to Snuka when we return...but he's still in the ring as CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO makes *his* entrance. He'll take on Jeff Hardy tonight, we are told, but I have a feeling he'll have something to do just ahead of that. Fozzy's Happenstance is available now! Sure enough, Jericho shoves the refs away and clamps the Walls of Jericho on Snuka, just for a larf. He's got THE STICK: "All right, all right that is IT - that is absolutely enough! When did they change the name of this arena to Madison Square Has-been, huh? You see, Snuka, you're just like Ric Flair - just because you've been popular with all of these assclowns...for 75 years does not mean you deserve special treatment, junior! If anybody deserves an award, it's the King of the World! And if anybody deserved to be awarded the match at SummerSlam, it was me, not Ric Flair, and I'll tell you why, because I made him TAP OUT at SummerSlam! And I got footage to prove it. Monkeys in the truck, roll my footage. (Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, Courtesy: The Encore) Look at this - caught in his own hold, check it out, he can't handle the pain now, can he? Here it is...watch him tap! Look at him tap! Huh? There's your proof. I made Ric Flair tap out to his very own figure four, and yet he was awarded the match? WHY? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? I am absolutely furious, and I'm gonna take out all my anger on Ric Flair's little buddy Jeff Hardy. But first...since Flair rudely interrupted my Fozzy concert last week on RAW...I'm gonna give all the Fozzy Fanatics a special treat. I'm gonna sing my own special version of 'New York, New York.'" He relieves himself of his gum. "A one, a two, a one 'Start spreadin' the news / I'm leavin' today / Can't wait to get the hell right out / of New York, New York / These vagabond shoes / will take me away / I want to leave the cesspool called / New York, New York / If I can get out of here...'"
Three minutes of ad break later... "'..way / can't wait to escape from this town / New York, New York / yeah! If I can get out of here / I would get up to--"
CHRIS JERICHO v. JEFF HARDY (with RAW
Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP
& TV-14-DLV & CC)
Backstage, TERRI catches up to Heyman & Lesnar. Who's the preference for #1 Contender tonight? "It doesn't make a difference." "Yeah, but like, gun to your head, you gotta choose - who would you choose?" "It REALLY doesn't make a difference!" Then he looks at Heyman and they share a laugh.
Meanwhile, Storm and Christian react. "This...this is strong." "Strong? It's PERFECT!" "Good. Then we're ready to rock, 'cause right here in New York City, what the Americans call Old Glory is goin' up in flames." And he displays a propane torch... Wow, what does it mean when they're ripping off WCW's Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara for ideas?
Lugz presents the WWE Boot of the Week! From SummerSlam, Test uses his Boot of the Week to run-in and help the Un-Americans keep the titles against Booker T & Goldust.
Out come THE REVOLUTION - I MEAN, THE UN-AMERICANS. Test has the blowtorch, Storm has the (rolled up) flag. Test also has the stick! "You know, I uh - I really think it's aboat time you Americans realise what the rest of the world really thinks aboat you - and to be honest, I couldn't think of a better way than this!" He displays the blowtorch as Storm unrolls the flag (Ross: "That son of a bitch is gonna burn our flag, King!") - but the Kane pyro and video plays, interrupting them! I guess he's mad someone ELSE is threatening to use fire (well, who isn't Booker T). But when the video's over and Kane HASN'T appeared, they recover and Test tells him to hold it back up. "We want Kane!" But instead it's BOOKER T & GOLDUST just in the nick of time - unfortunately, they're two and the Un-Americans are three, and the numbers take over. Test leaves Storm & Christian to work over T & Goldust while he gets back in the ring to finish the job. Just before Lawler himself gets off his ass to do something about this, KANE is back - duck, right, clothesline, right for Storm, Christian with a chair to the back and NO SALE - choke for him, chokeslam - clothesline for Storm out of the ring - ducks Test's boot, choke, (Ross: "Send him to hell! SEND HIM TO HELL!") chokeslam. Goldust and Booker T get back in the ring as the crowd chants "USA" and the Un-Americans head to the aisle. T has the stick: "Whoa! Whoa whoa, hold 'em up, hold 'em up, Gold. See this gold freak right here, he ain't goin' nowhere, and Booker T, five-time WC champion, HE ain't goin' nowhere - until we give these people exactly what they paid to see - the spinaroonie." T drops down and gives it to them. "Now can you dig that - suckaaaaaaaaa?" They go to leave...but Kane stops them. "Now wait a second, Booker. These people didn't come here tonight JUST to see the spinaroonie. They came here to see the KANEAROONIE." Kane consults his hand as T's music starts again - drops down - and (kinda) breakdances back to his feet! Then he cues the flashpots and his music takes over. Six-man next week? That'd be a safe bet. T & Goldust take the titles just in time for the 9/11 Anniversary? Even safer.
TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Triple H - who will become the #1 Contender for the Undisputed title?
"We're not considered a pastime - contract disputes don't determine the outcome of our season - negotiations are handled a little differently in this arena - when two sides have a problem, it's taken care of...face to face. World Wrestling Entertainment: Our season never ends." Call me crazy, but I'm *pretty* sure contract disputes actually DO determine the outcome of their season.
And now, the WWE Rewind, brought to you by Snicker Cruncher! From SummerSlam, Rob van Dam defeated Chris Benoit to bring the intercontinental championship back to RAW
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB
VAN DAM (champion - Battle Creek,
Michigan - 235 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Snickers, Whacko
Tobacco, and Black Label Games' "The Thing") v. TOMMY DREAMER (hardcore
champion - Yonkers, New York - 234 pounds) in a hardcore
Backstage, Triple H is getting ready for his match! Trish Stratus and Lilian Garcia happen to walk by - so let's follow them! 'cause, you know - they are WALKING!
When we come back, STACY KEIBLER hits the ring, where The Fink has already removed his tuxedo jacket. "Stacy...what a very nice surprise to see you here tonight--" "Anyway, Howard. I just want you to know that I am not out here supporting you in your corner - I am out here because I wanna make sure that Trish Stratus does not interfere." "Well, let me tell you something. Speaking of interfere and interference...right now, you're interfering with...something - in my TROUSERS." Hahahahahaha - I'm gonna miss delivery like that, I'm sure.
LILIAN GARCIA (with Trish Stratus - and
her music) v. HOWARD FINKEL (not
with Stacy Keibler) in a tuxedo/evening gown
UP NEXT: That big big main event
See the WWE live when it comes to YOUR area! Friday, Lincoln! Saturday, Springfield! Sunday, Chicago! RAW is Milwaukee! Next week, Friday is Sioux Falls and Saturday is Rapid City! I can't believe they actually ONLY played the RAW crew's ad this week!
Check out The World!
Courtesy "Good Morning America," footage of Criss Angel hitting the water torture chamber - he'll be there for 24 hours. "Write your own joke" of the week involves "torture" and "24 hours at The World"
Peeking inside The World - well, whaddaya know, he's still there! I'm not exactly sure where the "illusion" is...unless he's NOT there, really, but instead chilling out in a nearby dressing room with a hot meal
TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds) v. AD BREAK - we are told that Shawn Michaels was "Medi-vacced" back to Texas with back trauma. We still don't know the extent of his injuries. Let's take that ad break - AND lengthen Triple H's entrance by another three minutes for the loyal MSG crowd - and really, is there a better way to say "thank you?"
HEEEEY! I think we FINALLY made it through an entire show without one of those damned Stacker 2 commercials! HOORAY
Castrol GTX High Mileage presents WWE Unforgiven 22 September! When you think WWE, think **motor oil**
TRIPLE H v. THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER
(Houston, Texas - 328 pounds - on His
Beautiful Bourget Python Bike) in a #1 Contender's
HELLO, DAVID McLANE: For our final segment, we look outside, where Stephanie McMahon sticks out her breasts until Eric Bischoff (yes! one more segment with Bischoff) arrives. "Stephanie McMahon, why don't you just get the hell out of my building - no, no wait. You can't help yourself. A historic night here on Eric Bischoff's RAW, I mean...can you dig it? The Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion here on RAW, making his debut and I've got the #1 Contender - this is too much, Triple H, it is too much!" Meanwhile, Lesnar & Heyman have joined the party to listen. "Eric, do you ever shut up? You know, I'm just curious, you're right, tonight is a historic night and I couldn't miss it, but...Triple H is the #1 Contender...for what?" "What do you mean, for what? For the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World, you know the deal - the champion wrestles on both shows!" "No, no, Eric - it's the champion's prerogative which show he wrestles on, and I happen to pay Brock Lesnar a whole lotta money to be an exclusive to SmackDown! So you can watch us Thursday night. Let's go, guys - oh, but one other thing Eric, you know - tonight, history HAS been made, because tonight is the last night that RAW will ever see an Undisputed World Champion. Oh, and just one more thing, Eric...how do my...peaches...taste now?" Good God, I religiously recap this show and even *I* barely remember that line. What a ZINGER to send them off! "See ya Thursday!" Eric makes a pained'n'strained face as the credits hit and (mercifully) we are out.
Geez, and the pay-per-view was so great...what happened?
AFTER THE FACT: Brian Popkin was THERE!
Live from RAW is MSG
(To the tune of Eminem's Without Me)
So the WWE won't let me be
Now this looks like a job for me
Y2J just beat Jeff Hardy
Summer Slam Notes:
I liked it a lot. I'm thinking it's the best PPV of the year. Yes, it is even better than 'Mania. They really had a string of good Summer Slams all these years. I can't remember the last time they had a disappointing Summer Slam.
Rob Van Dam: We all like RVD. He should keep the belt and stay on Raw.
Y2J: Has got a record of 0-5 for the last 6 PPVs. Is he getting punished because Fozzy sucks? Like I said before Chris, have fun with your music.
Triple H/HBK: 80% of the picks I saw got this one wrong. They said, "What is the point in HBK winning if he isn't here for the long haul?" Really Triple H loses very little heat. He will still be the top heal even after this loss. Besides if he won't job to his clique buddy, who is he going to job to. HBK is the showstopper, the ICON that can still go. He won many Match of the Year Awards. Give him another one. He took a Foley-esque chair bump. He accomplished his goal of proving he can still be the showstopper and winning a big match. And for Triple H we've got to give him credit. Everyone bashes him, but he can still go. He accomplished his goal of ending Shawn's career.
Brock Lesner: A clean win over the Rock. He's got the ball, now let him run with it.
And, Thanks to Jim Vanderhost for the plug at 411wrestling. Check out his TSO column, I really like the read. They may have secondhand news, but first rate columns.
Now, I just got 4 hours of sleep after getting back so I'm in a rotten mood and I feel like crap but I wanted to give some Live Notes from MSG.
Shelton Benjamin over Shawn Stasiak while I was being frisked by
Crowd Notes: The four faces got good pops. ECW hasbeens got a small "ECW" chant. Crash got a huge "Elroy Jetson" chant and was surprisingly over. People wanted to see D-Lo use the Lo Down, instead of Sky High. Note to D-Lo; It's ok with RVD if you use the frog splash.
Off-Camera Notes: Fink had a face role in shilling T-Shirts and giving away free ones to keep the crowd pumped. He also had a face pop for his "match" with the ladies. Nobody wanted to see him be the one to lose their clothes.
A great Video Montage got good pops for Hogan, Andre, and HBK. Jerry Lawler got a huge "Jerry" chant. The crowd still loves him. The biggest face heat went to the Triple H intro. as HBK. A quick "We Want Tables!" chant for the Dudleys. At least give them a few minutes of wrestling before asking for the tables people, please. Big pop for the intergender "What's-up" or should I say "What's-in." Biggest heel heat to Rock and Bischoff. Bischoff had so much heel heat we couldn't hear a word he was saying. Y2J's singing brought a huge "shut the fuck up" chant. Kane and Bookerdust got a great pop and "USA" chant as well.
Merchandise: A lot of the new Brock shirts were selling. The front looks like a fake Brahma Bull. :( I'm not impressed. Golddust shirts were selling too...who knew?
The Rock had 70% of the crowd giving him "Rocky Sucks!" chant. These chants seemed very loud and unprompted. They mostly came from the pro-ECW segment of the crowd. They weres loud and also had "Lets go Les-ner!" Once Heyman talked, Lesner got a lot of boos as well. It is unjustified and wrong to boo the Rock, but people do it anyway.
Crowd was dead for the Y2J/Hardy match and the main event. Everyone wanted to see Brock. And they didn't want to see him act like a cowardly heel. After we went off the air, Taker hit Trips with a chokeslam and the last ride to a pop. Crowd had a "Tombstone" chant, but didn't get to seeone. Triple H complained too much about suffering from the tombstone the last time. Earl Hebner ended getting a "you screwed Bret" chant and that was it for the night.
The Ugly: The Fake Austin in the crowd had a beer gut and acted like the real Austin. The Fink losing his clothes. Who wants to see this crap?
The It's Just Me: Chants I started that nobody joined me on. "Fozzy Sucks" "Goldberg" "RVD" "Three Minutes." I remember last Survivor Series 96 at MSG, they promised us a big surprise hinting at a return of Randy Savage, and gave us Snuka. I'm still pissed about that. Today, no chants of "What?" by anyone.
Missing in Action: Rocky, HBK, Flair and the Big Show. We needed some star power and had to settle for ECW wash-outs.
The Unsung Hero: RVD, the only guy who makes Raw worth watching.
Match of the Night: RVD against Tommy Dreamer. Huge chants in the audience of "ECW." This could count as face heat for both of them because they both were ECW loyalists. Hardly any chants of "RVD." :( Where is the love people?