QUOTE OF THE
WEEK: As long as the audience likes what we do,
we'll be in business forever. - Vince McMahon
Isn't it great how they always seem to trot out Vince to suck up to "his" audience? Like, he's all "The general public simply doesn't give our audience credit for their level of sophistication and sense of humour" and you know the whole time he's thinking "THAT oughta hold those little SOBs. MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK" and so on.
I thought his use of "faggots" was Vince Being Controversial For No Good Reason Once Again...then I learned that Phil Mushnick had used the same word in his Post piece so it was *really* Vince Sticking It To Mushnick, How Insider.
Then again, what the HELL am I doing watching "Confidential" if not to pick up shit like this and then put it in the top of the report?
I've said it before (so skip down) but even though I'm a whole lot closer to 34 than to 18, I'm *still* in the target demographic...as far as I know. Why I continue to find myself baffled by certain decisions this company makes, has made, continues to make...well, it's probably not so baffling. Occam's Razor and all that...
THREE YEARS AGO THIS WEEK: Eric Bischoff was shown the way out of WCW...even today, we ask: what was the straw that broke the camel's back? Was it....was it the "Chowdaheads" cartoon?
So how long's he got for THIS company?
BUY THESE THINGS: Out today is the double CD "10 Years of Banco de Gaia," a "best of" from one of my favourite musicians on this earth. If you like it, "Maya" and "Last Train to Lhasa" have recently been reissued!
Also, while you're throwing money around, be sure to pick up a twin-pak of Reggio films: the "Koyaanisqatsi" and "Powaqqatsi" DVD bundle comes out today. Keep an eye out for "Naqoyqatsi" in theatres 18 October! (Thanks, Miramax!)
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.70 (+ .20, last year: 11.02, two years ago: 22) Boy, all that mainstream press really helped the stock price, didn't it?
TONIGHT: The Women's Championship will be on the line in a triple threat match - Trish, Molly, and Victoria! Also, Bischoff AND Rico are promised at the very top of the hour - can you make it through the last twelve minutes of TNG? HARDLY!
What's William Shatner doing back with Priceline.com ads, anyway? Is it 1999 again and no one told me? (Dude, BISCHOFF IS IN CHARGE) Oh yeah...
CSI is NEXT!
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - FACE
LAST THURSDAY: How come the RAW guys can get their hands on this SmackDown! footage and air it on their show, anyway? Aren't they in COMPETITION? Anyway, Jamal & Rosey did some thing and here's a shot of Bischoff with post-production fireworks added...eek
Live and to the arena we go, where everything is dark except for two spotlights on the centre of the ring and the man sitting on a stool: "Hello, I'm ERIC BISCHOFF. Now some of you may recognise me from shows like RAW...and starring last week on SmackDown! Oh, but alas - my guest appearance on SmackDown! was sort of a one-time shot - y'see because even I (Eric Bischoff) can only provide the most RIVETING moment in the history of SmackDown! only so often! But you know what the good news is? For each and every of you people...I'm back here on RAW. And I didn't come alone. Oh no, I brought with me the man who helped make what you just saw possible - RICO! Come on out and say hello to the people, Rico!" The spotlight expands as Rico enters the light. "Hi there!" "Isn't he just a hoot? And Rico, to reward you for all of your hard work last week, you're going to make your debut here on Monday Night RAW against the one and only Ric Flair, whaddaya think about that?" "Woooooo!" "Ha ha - Ric Flair isn't the only one who can style and profile. Y'know, Rico believes in the Eric Bischoff philosophy - that being Controversy Creates Cash, and with that in mind I have a very special evening planned tonight. See, as many of you know, Rob van Dam and Triple H...they're scheduled to face each other at Unforgiven. Now, for a show like SmackDown!, they might just leave it like that - but not Eric Bischoff, oh no. See I've arranged tonight for both Rob van Dam AND Triple H to defend their intercontinental and world heavyweight championships against opponents of my choice, here tonight!" Fist in the air! "You're welcome. And hey, if that changes the title picture at ah, at Unforgiven, I'll deal with that later, because I'll be DAMNED if I let *anybody* accuse Eric Bischoff of providing boring, predictable standard television." Man look at his hand shake. "I'll leave *that* to Stephanie McMahon and SmackDown! So with that in mind, get ready to enjoy the best show in sports entertainment - MONDAY NIGHT RAW!"
Opening Credits - nothing's forever...yeah, they refuse to see the change in me - WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP
AROMATHERAPYRO! Once again it's on - coming to you LIVE from the Pepsi Center in Denver, CO 16.9.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on The New TNN and TSN, it's Episode #486 of RAW!
With the words "boring, predictable standard television" still ringing in our ears, TRIPLE H comes out to kick off the show. Four championship matches tonight! World heavyweight, intercontinental, tag (Dudleys vs. Un-Americans) and women's on the line, but for now it's TALKIN' TIME: "Every place I go, everywhere I've been over the last week I hear the same damn thing...yeah, that. (points to "RVD" signs) I hear people sayin' the same damn crap - 'you're gonna lose your title to Rob van Dam! You're gonna get your ass kicked by Rob van Dam! Triple H, you're SCARED of Rob - van - Dam!' Well let me explain something to you people - I do not sweat Rob van Dam. I am not scared of Rob van Dam. And as much as you might love him, you've got to come to the realisation that Rob van Dam is not championship material. What, I'm supposed to be scared because he got lucky with one frog splash and then went on to become the #1 contender to MY title? I don't think so. You see, van Dam can't cut the mustard - but I can. You see (2), I am the greatest world heavyweight champion there has ever been. Whether ya like it or not, fact is fact. And the reason being is, I've got it all. I've got the body, I've got the ability, I've got the talent and I've got the brains, and Rob van Dam doesn't stand a chance in the ring with me. But, what IS starting to get under my skin is when I'm out defending this title all around the world, and I'm in these arenas, it's people like you chanting 'RVD.' ... Yeah. You see (3), it's that kind of disrespect that gets under my skin. Let me explain to you people just who the hell I am! I am Triple H! I am the heavyweight champion of the world! Because *I* am The Game! And because I am That Damn--" The music interrupts at this point and POINTS TO SELF makes it to the ring. Get him a mic, he wants to speak! "I hear you sayin' that you're not concerned about me...but dude, you are SERIOUSLY stressed out. Big time, I mean like - can you feel that tension radiating off your body? You know what - what's coming off is anger. Let me tell you something, man - anger is a negative energy - you need to shake that right now. What do you wanna be all angry for anyway? Oh. Is it because you've seen me in the ring? That's it, right, 'cause of all my cool moves that I do? Hey...Triple H, that's what RVD is all about, I mean...that's why all these fans love me! That's just me, that's the way I am, it's - I'm amazing!" "Oh yeah, Rob...you're amazing all right, yeah. You're right about that. But you know what you're right about, too? You're right - I am angry. And that anger - that anger is a gift - it's a gift I've been given - and that anger is the reason why I am the world's heavyweight champion. That anger, that anger is the reason why I sell out arenas - that anger is the reason why I headline pay-per-views!" "Whoa - hold on a second now, I don't want any misunderstandings, no one is trying to take away your accomplishments. Nobody - in fact, congratulations on all your success thus far. I'll tell ya - I personally am quite taken by the way that you display your abilities. I am, I watch you - I watch you, Triple H, and everybody's gotta admit, man, nobody can deny, you have proven time and time again that brother, YOU can SPIT some WATER. Oh ho ho ho...are you kiddin' me? You, you take it to another level, man, I - I see you do that, the way you get prepped up, and you're all poppin' them lats out like GRRRR, gettin' all that anger out, oh ho, that's a nice touch, you're all 'GRRRRRR, I'm Mr. Muscle and Fitness. GRRRRRRRRarrr!' Love it, love it, everybody does, man - I mean, that's - and then, oh, and then you wait for that cue in the music, and here comes the water you just 'ptoooo' - ho ho ho oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, man! What - I'm not impressed by that? Of *course* I am! Hey, everybody's gotta admit, man, that - THAT - takes - talent!" van Dam applauds. H ain't amused - no, wait, he is. "Hahahaha - hahaha - you know, Rob...heh - you're a funny guy. I can see why all these people love you. As a matter of fact, you know, they love you 'cause you're just like them - as a matter of fact, you're exactly like them...you are a gross underachiever. You see (4), Rob, you can come out here and you can make your jokes, but the fact of the matter is, that for all your athleticism, that for all your cool moves, for all your great talent and ability...you're not gonna amount to a damn thing in this business. Fact is, RVD, you are not championship material. And you will never be a world's heavyweight champion." "Ooooooooooooooooh-kay. Okay, NOW I see what this is all about. Yeah, I think I've located the source of your anger. You're upset because all of my fans aren't cheering for you! Right? You wanna hear them chant HHH! HHH! Hahaha - hey... brother, that's not gonna happen - no offense, don't take it personally, man - it's just that all the fans are a little too busy and way too excited chantingthe name of their *favourite* superstar AND the next world champion - Rob van Dam." H looks about as van Dam points to himself a second time - goes for a gutshot - van Dam catches the boot, steps over and delivers a heel kick that you have to go into REALLLLLLLY slow motion to make sure it didn't connect (that means it looked GREAT). van Dam plays to the crowd one more time before leaving the ring. Hey...they didn't play his music before heading to the break! That's kinda weird, isn't it?
"Unforgiven" spot in the local slot - also they sneak in a Tour of Defiance house show for Saturday
EARLIER TODAY, the WWE cameras caught up with a circle of fifteen women representing the "International Organization for Women" carrying placards in protest and chanting "IOW" outside the arena
RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina -
234 pounds) v. RICO (Las Vegas,
Nevada - 232 pounds)
Backstage, TERRI has Booker T - tonight he takes on Test. Hey! Somebody remembered they were partners! Thank you! "You know ever since I was a little Book, the one thing I HATED was tests. It didn't make no difference whether it was a blood test, pregnancy test, or some dumb un-American. You know this remind me of when I was in French class." Terri is surprised he took French. "Yeah - check it out. Oui oui - ay caramba - parlez vous francais - voulez vous coucher (or did he say "GOUcher?") avec'oi - and all of that there all good stuff! That's another story. See my teacher told me a long time ago, it don't make no difference whether you pass the test - Book, just show up! You know, I wish she woulda told me that when she failed me, and I had to go to summer school! That's another story! Point is this: tonight, I'll show up. And I'm'o pass that test, and I'm'o pass it with flying colours! This Test...ain't gon' be taken with no #2 pencil - no, sweetheart - this Test is gon' be taken with BOOYA! Straight up! #5! Like as in five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can u dig THAT... ...SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!"
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley)
Commentators shill "CSI" - NEXT!
The IOW tries to get into the arena, but Security puts up a brave front. "Fine, if you won't let us in, we'll protest right here."
TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds -
one of the members of the
Un-Americans) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 262 pounds - with
Backstage, Terri catches up to Flair - she'd like his thoughts. "Can you get my thoughts? What do you think's goin' through the mind of Ric Flair when I lose to a guy like Rico? Don't bother me--" Triple H shows up at this point. "I'll tell you what his thoughts are. I'll tell you EXACTLY what his thoughts are. He's humiliated. He's embarrassed. What's the matter with you, huh? At one time you were The Man; I looked UP to you! I *idolised* you, and this is what you've become? I can't even believe you held this title sixteen times. Sixteen times heavyweight champion of the world, and you just lost a match to a man that can't even hold your jock. You've lost it, Flair. You've lost it, you've lost your instincts, you've lost your guts....if this is the way you're gonna be, why don't you just do everybody a favour, why don't you just give it up, retire - get out while the gettin's good...the Ric Flair I see before me right now is pathetic." Flair gets up. "Pathetic? You don't know what pathetic is! Pathetic is walkin' around with the most coveted trophy in this sport, the world heavyweight championship, without earnin' it! That's pathetic! And as far as Ric Flair goes, YOU don't know what I'm all about and never will! You don't know what I'm capable of, either." "Oh, I think I do know, Ric...I think I do know."
Unforgiven spot - Triple H/Rob van Dam hyped
And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From last week, Regal joins the Un-Americans and the last of Bradshaw you'll see is this pinfall.
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands in the midst of the protestors, and identifies their spokesperson as Rebecca Lovey: "Well, we at the International Organisation for Women have noticed an alarming trend. The treatment of women on RAW has been deplorable. And tonight, we're not going anywhere until we've talked to Eric Bischoff. Come on, girls!" The "IOW" chants...continue...
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THE
UN-AMERICANS (Lance Storm & Christian -
champions - Canada - 434 pounds) v. BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (champions -
Dudleyville - 510 pounds - with "Forceable Entry" CD
Backstage, Bischoff's face! "Everybody's looking forward to your match with RVD tonight. And I want to wish you luck - I know that you're going to make a great intercontinental champion once again." Zoom out...it's Chris Jericho! "EB, you got nothin' to worry about - tonight, I redeem myself against RVD - you got NOTHING to worry about." "I know that!" Before he can go WALKING! a Security feller stops him. "Mr. Bischoff." "Yyyes." "There's a group of women protesting outside in front of the arena. The building manager would like you to meet with them. What do you want me to do?" "...let 'em in. I'll meet with 'em." "Okay." Bischoff laughs. "I've got a few minutes." Sheesh, talk about telegraphing...
1-800-CAL-LATT brings you the WWE Rewind! From last week, Rob van Dam wins the Fatal Four-way to claim the #1 Contendership by giving Chris Jericho the Fivestar frog splash.
Coming back live, Bubba tries to reassure Spike before he's loaded onto the ambulance. Triple H happens by - surveys the situation - and breaks into laughter.
CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Lugz, PlayStation 2, and JVC's Tower of Power HX Series!) v. AD BREAK
Wow, this is the first time they've put a clear delineation between the "RAW" and "RAW Zone" hours in....forever!
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP:
CHRIS JERICHO (challenger) v. ROB VAN
DAM (champion - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with TV-14-DLV & CC
boxes - AND "Forceable Entry" CD cover)
Stacker 2 ad #2 (Bubba again)
MOMENTS AGO, Ross says Jericho only won the title because of Triple H, while Lawler pragmatically says van Dam brought it upon himself by attacking Triple H first.
The Security guy puts the IOW protestors in an office. Bischoff, Jamal & Rosey will see them later.
Jericho has not one but TWO bottles of bubbly - I guess one's for drinkin' and the other one's for shakin' up and sprayin'! Bischoff meets him in mid-walk - Jericho says now that he's proven himself against van Dam, he'd like to take the opportunity to take out Flair at Unforgiven. Bischoff makes the match.
"Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace serves as soundtrack for a "WWE Desire" clip centered around Jeff Hardy. "I'm always scared before I wrestle... it's just that if there weren't any fear in it, you know, there wouldn't be that big of a payoff - that's just what really, like, fires me up about it. ... I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't feel like I've had enough, and there's nothing left... 'Desire' means never quit."
Back at the locker room where William Regal addresses his comrades. "All right, gentlemen - now as you know, I have a match against Kane up next. When I look at Kane, I see everything that is wrong with America, beacuse America like Kane hides beneath a mosque - they try to hide the horrors that everyone knows exists, but are too ashamed to show who they really are, and thati s a lesson I'm going to teach Kane, and a lesson that I'm going to teach the pathetic Americans." He takes off while Storm, Christian and Test nod knowingly...
Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING!
Have a look-see at the Pepsi Center! Triple H defends his title later tonight! By the way, Castrol GTX High Mileage presents Unforgiven THIS Sunday! I wonder if I'LL get to see it...
WILLIAM REGAL (already in the ring) v.
KANE (Parts Unknown - 326? pounds)
Back to the IOW and the Security Guy. "Okay, ladies, Mr. Bischoff is ready to see you now. However, he's not gonna come back here; he'd like to give you a public forum...in the ring. If you'd just all follow me..." "All right, ladies - this is our chance to be heard! Let's go!" "IOW" chant...
Golly! In this "Forceable Entry" ad, Matt Pinfield sure sounds like he's back on the stuff, doesn't he?
Catch the WWE live when it comes to YOUR area! Tomorrow, Colorado Springs! Saturday, Fresno! Sunday is Unforgiven in Los Angeles! RAW is Anaheim! And Tuesday is San Diego!
"Eric Bischoff is a fair and...just man. I believe in equality. I believe that women are...(laughing) just as smart and just as powerful as men. (breaks up) Oh, which is why I'm willing to provide an open forum for this group of ...women who have been protesting my show here tonight, so - ladies, your microphone awaits you." And here they come. We take a while for the ring to fill with IOW. Finally, the ring is full and Rebecca halts the chant. "Mr. Bischoff, this group of women represents the International Organisation for Women. We exist to represent women - um - we exist to preserve the fair and equal rights of women in entertainment - and quite frankly, Mr. Bischoff, (Bischoff checks her out) you have gone over the line with RAW. You have exploited women on your show by promoting bra and panty matches... mud matches... and pillow fights. And most recently, you've exploited two lesbains on your show by having them...the lesbians perform a sexual act--" Bischoff takes back the mic. "That's it, isn't it. I shoulda known. The lesbians? That's what this is all about? Oh, wait a minute. I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm surrounded by a horde of LESBIANS! Hey, no problem, ladies - git it on! I have no problem with that - all of these people, each and every one of them wanna see some...hot lesbian action! HLA! HLA! So go ahead. Perform for all of us! Or...is this all about your fifteen minutes of fame - is that what this is all about? Well ladies...I don't have fifteen minutes. As a matter of fact ladies, AWWWWWWWW." Well, it turns out that STEFFO was amidst the group, clad in wig and glasses - and that's a big kick squar in the nuts. "What was that, Eric? What was that you were gonna say? You have, what... THREE MINUTES?" BILLY & CHUCK hit the ring and Stephanie starts directing traffic by way of screeching - Bischoff on Chuck's shoulders and Billy on top - crotch chop and devastation device! Now here comes THE NEW GOOD OL' JR - Jamal takes out Billy and Rosey is whipped into him. Jamal moves to give Chuck the quick Samoan Drop...but Chuck lands on his feet off the ropes - right hand - Jungle Kick for Rosey - Billy with a Fame-Ass'er on Jamal! Stephanie jumps up and down at ringside, then calls them to follow her over the barrier and out through the crowd. Unlike on SmackDown!, nobody from the locker room comes to the fallen general manager's aid HMM and now this commercial break
MOMENTS AGO, you just seen it
Coming back live, Bisch is still doubled over, hand on crotch, but Jamal holds the mic. "Steph! You bitch! Ahh you're gonna, you're gonna pay for this! I bet you're proud of yourself, aren'cha. Ahhh, ahh. Well I got an idea. How 'bout a little challenge? This Sunday at Unforgiven, how 'bout an intercontinental matchup - SmackDown! and RAW [I think he meant "interpromotional"] - Rosey & Jamal against - woooow whooa Billy & Chuck. But I got a stipulation. That's right, I got a stipulation, y'see here's how it goes down. If Chuck & Billy win, I'm gonna ohhhhh man I'm gonna give you what you've been wantin' since the day I showed up here - I will kiss your little ass right in the centre of this ring! Oh...but, and this is a big BUTT - if Rosey & Jamal win, since you like to dress up like a lesbian, at Unforgiven you get to perform some hot lesbian action - right in the centre of this ring! How 'bout it, STEPH - some HLA at Unforgiven. Huh? I can't wait to hear your answer on SmackDown! Thursday, STEPH - if you've got the BALLS. Awwwwwwwww." Hit his music, but we're running out of show! Let's quickly move own
TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 260 pounds) v. ? - Either H has lost twelve pounds, or Garcia's pulling weights out of thin air again. Everybody stop and admire Triple H's "whale's blowhole" spot! Well, if the show ends at 11, we've only got four minutes of show left. Before H can get out of the corner pose, POINTS TO SELF is out and taking him down - they roll around a bit, trading punches and....whatever van Dam throws - the REFS come out and try to separate them and don't have much luck - now they're joined by FIT FINLAY & JOHN LARIAN - LAURIANA - JOHN L- JOHNNY ACE - van Dam has the title belt - takes a swing at Finlay to put him back - then gets a clear shot at H and BRAINS him with the belt! Finally Finlay gets HIS shot and takes down van Dam (!) - Finlay, Ace and two refs carry out van Dam while we're told that we'll see H's opponent NEXT!
Unforgiven ad - Lesnar/Taker hyped
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TRIPLE
H (champion) v. JEFF HARDY
A cookie to whoever put the muzzle on Lawler this week - let's hope they keep up the good work... and just *maybe* all the people who swore they wouldn't tune in again after LAST week might come back!
Getting them to pay for Unforgiven, of course, is an entirely different story.