This report is dedicated to the memory of my friend, former co-worker and
favourite Hawaiian, Celestina Iwalani Baptiste Gauna. Aloha `oe,
THANKS TO: The Cubs Fan took the bullet for me last week and I'll have to mail him my Don Zimmer trading card or something. I thought I'd get around to recapping it myself, but you know that report was just fine and there's no point in me knocking myself out when it's only RAW. Man, did you ever think you'd live to see the day when we'd be saying something like "...it's only RAW?"
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 8.25 (- .12 - last year: 11.52, two years ago: 14 5/8) - for those of you who track such things, the stock hit *another* all-time intra-day low today...down around 7.92. Those really bored may wish to investigate the number of shares vertiably trading hands sometime; it's surprisingly low - or perhaps NOT so surprisingly so. (Man, I need to write like LM Boyd ALL the time. "Those who keep track of such things consider the case of our Love-and-War man from whence came our modern word 'flabbergasted.' Thought you might be.")
TONIGHT: I missed the pre-show hype. Happens about once a year, and I never have a good excuse. Kim said it promised RAW Roulette, also involved Lawler saying "whoopee" a lot, but I try not to rely on such anecdotal evidence. BY MIKE MAILWAY
"The following is a special VEGAS MONTH PRESENTATION!"
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Mug
Look at Las Vegas! RAW ROULETTE NOW!
Two giant feathers pull back to reveal...the mug. Mic's off when he says "Welcome..." but they bring it up in time for us to hear "...to a very SPECIAL edition of Eric Bischoff's Monday Night RAW. Ladies and gentlemen, live from Las Vegas, Nevada - RAW Roulette. Every match is going to be determined by a single spin of the wheel - BEHOLD the RAW Roulette wheel, will it be ...HLA match? Or how 'bout...Bischoff's choice? Perhaps it will be a Kiss My Ass match. See, this wheel represents the very best that Las Vegas has to offer, whether it's sex, sin, lust, greed, danger, unpredictability, it's all right here, and it's all right here on RAW, so ladies...(to showgirls on either side of him) looking for some action? I know I am. Let's see what our first match is gonna be...(spins wheel)...the first match is going to be...a STEEL CAGE MATCH! I *love* danger."
Opening Credits - it can't go on much longer. It can't. Forget the lies, the money, we're in this together and through it all, they say that nothing's forever. There's a change is in the air - change is a good thing, I'm always told and now that there's FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel I will sit back, smile, and accept the changes that are up ahead. But it's not me that causes the problems - it's the others. I change and I change and there's even more change to come, but these other people simply refuse to see it. Yeah, they REFUSE to see the change in me. WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP
MAGPYRO! LIVE from the Thomas & Mack Center in Lost Wages, NV 7.10.2, THIS is episode #489 of WWE RAW - deal with it - it's transmitido en espanol SAP (but never on my cable system) and I sure hope they spend all night talking about things that aired three hours ago on some other coast. Oh, look, The World - that's a big money pit - whoops, time to jerk a curtain...
BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds)
v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa,
Florida - 500 pounds) in a STEEL CAGE match, escape over the top or
through the door to win
Meanwhile, Bischoff has the tag team champions. Kane promises he WILL take Triple H's title at No Mercy. Hurricane: "Yeah!" Bischoff says Kane is all about greed - but greed has its consequences. Spinning the wheel to see what kind of match they'll have for the tag team titles, we watch the spinning wheel end up on TLC: Tables, Ladders & Chairs. "Oh my! Holy Mick Foley!" Bischoff says he'll decide on the opponents in just a bit. But in the meantime, he wishes them the best of luck - Hand of Friendship. Kane doesn't let go, pulling Bischoff in close. "When it comes to the ring, LUCK is for LOSERS."
Back to ringside, where the refs help a bleeding Booker T back up the ramp. Let's take a break!
Honestly, do they have to announce "CSI" coming to The New TNN EVERY week? I'd think ONCE would be enough!
Another look at Vegas by way of reminding you that this is the "RAW Roulette" show. Yep, that's the Riviera. Yep.
MOMENTS AGO, Jericho flew in and put Booker T into the support beam of the STEEL cage.
TERRI catches up to Jericho backstage - she wants to know why Jericho attacked Booker T for no reason. "No reason? No reason? I'll give you a reason, you little assclown. The reason is this: I'm sick of being treated like a second-class citizen - I'm sick of being overlooked by all the jackasses around here. A couple weeks ago, Goldust tells me that my band Fozzy sucks? Fozzy doesn't suck - we are HUGE rock stars. And on top of that, last week, Booker T accosts me on my way to the ring and calls me a sucker? Which then subsequently causes me to lose my intercontinental title to Kane and lose my shot at No Mercy to once again become the World Champion? Well you know what, you see that, that's the blood of Booker T on my hands. And that's what's gonna happen to any jackass who insults Chris Jericho from now on, because people are forgetting what I am. The very first Undisputed Champion - the Undisputed King of the World - and most importantly of all, a very dangerous and unbalanced individual. And one thing that Chris Jericho is not, and never will be, is a sucker. I - AM NOT - A SUCKER."
To the spinning wheel we go...and it comes up BLINDFOLD. Triple H is a picture of disbelief as we zoom out. "Blindfold match? It better be with one of them (points to showgirls), I'll tell you that. Blindfold...do you know how dangerous it is to have a match where you can't see? What are you thinking? I'm the World Champion, man, you can't--" Flair appears from behind and calms H down. "I know what this is about - you're trying to keep me away from Kane, right? It's not gonna do any good. I guarantee you this, before this night is over, Kane's life will never be the same again." "Hey, don't worry about the champ, Eric. It'll be all right. But before you choose his opponent, let me introduce you to Mandy and Sandy. Come on in, ladies. Mandy and Sandy wanna put on a little demonstration of what's gonna be waitin' for you in your hotel suite tonight. Ooh, don't give him too much, save it for later on." As they all leave, William Regal comes in. "Are you bloody mad? Have you lost your marbles, lad? A steel cage match? A bloody TLC match? The world champion in a bloody blindfold match? Listen - I'm a gentleman...unlike some of the toerags around here (looks at Goldust rubbing himself behind him) please, don't spin the wheel - just make my match a respectable wrestling match, please." "Sir William...you know the deal, the rules are the rules, let's just give it a little spin and see what you're going to be doing tonight. ..." "LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRL. I like that sound of that one, I suspect you two lovely ladies will be accompanying me after my victory." "No no no, I think you've got it wrong. What that means is you're gonna end up wrestling DRESSED like a Las Vegas showgirl. You'll love it!" "Your country has a queen - now YOU can be one too. (kisses the air)" Regal makes a face!!
No Mercy ad - Lesnar/Taker Hell in le Cell hyped
Here's a Special Video Look at Batista working out - and sweating a lot. "This is just the beginning - consider yourself warned." OH NO ANOTHER BIG PICKUP FOR RAW FROM SMACKDOWN! THE BALANCE HAS TIPPED BACK TO eh
TRIPLE H (World's Heavyweight Champion
- Greenwich, Connecticut - 272
pounds - with Ric Flair - and Subway presents No Mercy in just under two
weeks. Subway: eat Jared!) v. D'LO BROWN (Chicago, Illinois - 268 pounds
- with Phoenix hype) in a nontitle blindfold
To Bischoff's office, where he's assembled Christian, Bubba Ray Dudley and Jeff Hardy. None of them want to compete in the TLC but he insists, threatening suspensions if they refuse. Each man gets to pick their own partner. Isn't this great? He turns to find Goldust standing between the two showgirls...dressed in HIS showgirl garb. "It sure is - VIVA LAS VEGAS, ERIC....(inhales, bites)"
The WWE heads to Phoenix tomorrow, Utica Friday, Rochester Saturday, Beefalo Sunday, and next week, RAW is Montreal!
GOLDUST (already in the ring -
Hollywood, California - 250 pounds) v.
WILLIAM REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds) in a Las Vegas Showgirl
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't selling ephedra-free Stacker 2 about as useful as selling Rockapella "instrumental" CDs?
Oh man, the Fremont Street canopy - DO NOT MISS THIS when you go to Vegas. Also, hit the "Bay Area" for the best 99 cent shrimp cocktail in town. No lie - I always have two or three and they're AWESOME.
Backstage, Terri has Christian - has he picked a partner? Christian says he won't pick any of the Un-Americans since he'd actually like to WIN the match. He was frustrated at first, but then he realised he's singlehandedly won three TLC matches - "I'm a TLC MASTER! In fact, the only TLC match I didn't win was..." Jericho walks in. "The only TLC match you didn't win was the one that *I* won, you remember Anaheim, the tables and ladders and chair match that was forgotten? The BEST TLC match? Yeah, that was won by me (Chris Jericho) but more importantly, since Kane ROBBED me of my intercontinental championship last week, I say you and I team up and rob Kane of one of his chamiponships this week. What do you think?" "Let's do it, partner."
Meanwhile, Bischoff has Stacy Keibler and Trish Stratus. He says that the match has already been decided - and points to ____ ON A POLE. He's decided the blank will be a paddle. Title WILL be on the line. Trish: "Figures." Bischoff decides to go "double or nothing," spins the wheel again (Hey, he said SINGLE SPIN) - then stops it short on BRA & PANTIES MATCH. Bischoff says it'll be a bra and panties match, with the winner not only getting the Women's World Championship, but also getting to use the paddle to spank the loser. Trish says "fine" and walks off - Stacy starts to walk away but Bischoff gets in a butt smack on her way out. Stacy is taken aback - smiles to Eric but it disappears when she turns back our way. Hope Eric never watches the tape! "Span-- THANKS a lot, Stacy."
Meanwhile (3), Bubba Ray catches up and asks Tommy Dreamer to join him as his partner. Spike gives us "crestfallen." He's seen his two big brothers team up in every TLC match - "I guess I was just hopin' maybe it would be my turn to be your partner, win this TLC match and take the world titles home." Geez, start crying. Dreamer gracefully bows out and Bubba takes Spike.
Stacy Keibler is WALKING! A floor manager helpfully offers "Your shoe's untied!" and gets to see her bend over.
If you missed Confidential, you missed Levon Kirkland! So tune in Saturday at 11! Yeah!
The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Trish and Victoria go at it until Vicky disqualifies herself with a chairshot to Trish's head.
KEIBLER (challenger - Baltimore, Maryland - with
Lawler shills "WWE Divas Undressed" magazine - on sale tomorrow! - and
2002 "Babe of the Year" contest on wwe.com hype)
v. TRISH STRATUS - THE
FITNESS MODEL (champion - Toronto,
Ontario - with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLC & CC
boxes) in a bra and panties, paddle on a pole
Backstage, JONATHAN COACHMAN asks Jeff Hardy if he's found a partner. "Hey man, you wanna do this?" Rob van Dam emerges. "Tables, ladders and chairs? DUDE - yeah, I'm in." "Does that answer your question?"
"The Rock: Just Bring It" collector's edition double DVD ad
Stacker 2 ad #2
Another Special Video Look at Vegas - actually, I think this is the one that opened the first hour - never mind
MOMENTS AGO: Victoria kicked and threw
Backstage, Coachman catches out with her. Why's she keep leaving Stratus laying? "Do you think I have Trish Stratus' attention now? I bet when I beat her for the Women's Championship, she'll begin to realise what this is all about." "Soooo this all centers around your hunger for the women's championship." "I did this to show the whole world who Trish Stratus REALLY is. Why don't you ask 'Princess' about her past? About the things she's done - the people she's hurt. She'll deny it...but I know the truth. Because she's hurt ME...and now, it's her turn...to get HURT." And she walks off.
TEST (already in the ring - Toronto,
Ontario - 282 pounds) v. AL SNOW
(Lima, Ohio - 234 pounds)
TONIGHT: 4 Way Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the tag team championships!
Lawler is standing on his chair and the commentary table - his match is next and he's EXCITED! Ross suggests that perhaps instead of being an HLA match, it might be an Inferno match....Lawler's mood changes.
Hey WWE live events yep - Tomorrow, Phoenix - Saturday, Edmonton - Sunday, Calgary - Monday is RAW in Montreal - and Tuesday is Toronto!
And now, the WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Dreamworks Pictures' "The Ring!" From last week, Kane chokeslams Jericho and retakes the Interkanetinental Champion - oh and Triple H was in the clip, too. Before Owen Hart died, he saw THE RING
There's the infamous Bellagio fountains. RAW is brought to you by "The Ring" (geez, even GOOD OL' JR is forced to say "BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU SEE THE RING"), the new Castrol GTX High Mileage, and Greyhound's creepy talking dogs
JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring -
Memphis, Tennessee - 234 pounds) v.
STEVEN RICHARDS (already in the ring - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235
No Mercy ad features Triple H/Kane - winner take all
Here's a Special Video Look at Randy Orton - I don't know, I kinda liked these vignettes better when they were setting us up to hate Kurt Angle
Here's a Look at The World
Inside, RANDY ORTON slaps hands with the fans, signs and autograph and gets a hug. Awwwwwww, what a sweetheart. I guess I'm supposed to hate him now. I sure hate being spoon-fed my opinion, don't you? (Well, you ARE reading...)
The crew is still dotting the ringside area with T, L & C...
Jim Ross reminds us that this is a career-shortening match - sure is great for us that they're having it, right?
Backstage to Terri, who stands with "take it from me, I DO mean the BIG Red Machine." Is he at a disadvantage going into No Mercy so soon after a TLC match? "Terri, I've been fighting the odds for a long time - but now, for the first time in my life, I'm happy. And at No Mercy, I've got a chance to make history! To be THE first man to hold the tag team, the intercontinental and the World's championship at the same time, and you know what - I know, I KNOW that I can do it. And all the Kane-enites out there - they KNOW that I can do it! And Triple H...Triple H knows that I can do it too. So you can put me in all the TLC matches that you want...Triple H, he can make all the threats he wants, but I AM going to do this! And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyWHAT!! WHAT." Coachman interrupts and stooges off Triple H and Ric Flair - they're currently beating on his tag team partner.
Meanwhile, Triple H and Ric Flair are currently beating on Hurricane.
Meanwhile, Kane is RUNNING!
Back here - wow, how far away is he? The refs and officials get Flair and H off of Hurricane...finally, Kane shows up. "You SON OF A BITCH!" Hurricane is left laying...
Before *I* die, I'll see the remastered "Metropolis" - FUCK "The Ring"
One more stroll down the Strip - RAW ROULETTE
MOMENTS AGO: Five paragraphs ago, four paragraphs ago, and three paragraphs ago - Ross (still solo) commits a faux pas by saying "Hurricane Helms"
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM
(challenger - Battle Creek,
Michigan - 235 pounds) and JEFF HARDY (challenger - Cameron, North
Carolina - 218 pounds - with RAW in Montreal hype) v. BUBBA RAY & SPIKE
DUDLEY (challengers - Dudleyville - 460 pounds) v. CHRISTIAN (challenger -
Toronto, Ontario - 224 pounds) and CHRIS JERICHO (challenger - Winnipeg,
Manitoba - 237 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v.
KANE (Interkanetinental champion, co-tag champion - Parts Unknown - 326
pounds) in a tables, ladders and chairs match
Booker T shills Swanson's "Hungry-Man XXL"
When we come back, "CSI COMING UP AT 11:05PM AFTER RAW" and Bubba Ray pops van Dam one. Two ladders standing in the ring - van Dam uses one to swing into a dropkick on Bubba. Wow, Ross has said "Hurricane HELMS" A LOT of times tonight. Bubba still tries to climb, as does van Dam - they fight from opposite ladders - now Jericho climbs the ladder Bubba is on - punches, head to the top rung, then "bulldogs" Bubba off the ladder and down to the mat! Meanwhile, Christian climbs up after van Dam - slop drop off the ladders to the mat! Subway Replay of what we've just seen (I guess nothing much happened during the break). Spike is the man climbing the ladder - but Christian pulls him off. Scoop...and thrown almost onto Robinson but he backs up just in time, Spike goes SPLAT on the floor. Christian puts the two ladders closer together...then tries to drag himself up one - but can't. Everybody's out. Crowd chants "we want tables." van Dam is up - kick for Christian, knee, Christian knee, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp. Christian starts the climb...but Kane is back up, tipping the ladder and crotching Christian on the top rope! Hardy leaps from the top rope - caught by Kane - and powerslammed down. Hardy put into the corner, clothesline by Kane, big boot as Hardy comes out, Hardy outside. Kane with a ladder in position - Spike is back in and grabs the leg - gutshot - off the ropes but Kane puts the ladder in the way and Spike takes a header. Kane folds the ladder and rams it into Spike's head, sending him back outside. Jericho's turn - has a chair and WHACKS the ladder - down goes Kane. Chair in Bubba's gut - WHACKs the back - then Jericho takes a spin kick from van Dam. Hardy in and Bubba's on all fours - Poetry in Motion on Kane! Hardy holds a chair in front of Kane and signals to van Dam - he points to himself and then hits a van Terminator on Kane! That'll get a Subway Replay for sure. Everybody down again - no, Jericho up, dragging Hardy up - Hardy blocks the suplex attempt, they switch positions, and instead it's JERICHO taking the suplex onto the ladder, probably breaking his tailbone in the process. Subway Replay - it looks just as bad. Christian climbs the corner - Hardy after him - throws HIM off into a tailbonebreaker on the ladder. Hardy sets up the ladder and starts a climb - it'll be Bubba Ray to stop him, climbing up the other set of rungs - right, head to the top rung, headbutt, ohhh suplex coming up - SUPERPLEX OFF THE LADDER! Four men in the ring, nobody moving. Another "Holy shit" chant. Subway Replay of the superplex from the beltcam. van Dam is up first...climbing soooooo slooooowly...reaching - Bubba Ray up after him - right, right, van Dam falls off the ladder. Dudley falls off as well. Jericho drags himself up and now HE starts up the ladder - it'll be Spike up after him - no, Jericho kicks him away - Spike back up - Jericho kicks him away - Jericho paws the belts but ends up swinging them away from him - and Spike shoves the ladder, sending Jericho FLYING off the ladder all the way down to the floor! Both refs check on Jericho and Hebner makes the "X" (oh oh) - Subway Replay and it's hard to tell how Jericho injured himself but it certainly seems possible. Back to the ring and it's Spike climbing up - he's nowhere near the belts, though - in fact, he may be too short...Christian pulls him down - Spike right, right, right, goes for the Dudley 'dog but Christian shoves HIM to the floor, through a table. One more broken tailbone on the list. Subway Replay confirms that ain't the best way to go through a table - as if there were a GOOD way. Christian and Bubba Ray look to dance next - Christian heading up the ladder and Bubba Ray grabbing the second ladder and climbing alongside him - Christian grabbing the belts - Bubba Ray grabbing Christian - BUBBABOMB off the ladders to the mat! van Dam climbs the ropes in the corner - Fivestar frog splash on Christian! Hardy's turn, climbing the ropes - swantonbomb MISSES Bubba! Hardy runs at Bubba but gets backdropped over the top rope and down through a table! Dudley with a chair - van Dam with a van Daminator! Subway Replay of Hardy going through the exploding table. van Dam climbing up - the ladder isn't quite under them, though, and before he can pull them, Jericho is back in with a chairshot to van Dam's rump. Well, I guess he wasn't THAT injured. Jericho climbs up after van Dam - gutshot, gutshot, elbow, elbow, van Dam over the top of the ladder - Jericho with an inverted tarantula arcing van Dam over the ladder! Jericho shoves him off and he flips to the mat...and outside. Jericho climbs the ladder...but Kane is back in and climbing the other side - Jericho right, right, right, reaching, not there, right, right, Kane with a choke, Jericho rams Kane's head into the ladder, again, Kane shakes his head NO SALE and CHOKESLAMS Jericho off the ladder to the floor! This would be a good time for a zombie situp - HOLY SHIT ZOMBIE SITUP - Kane repositions the standing ladder and climbs - we're already two minutes past 11:05 so this surely is it? One title grabbed - two titles grabbed - bell rung and champs retain. But Kane did it ALL BY HIMSELF. (25:10) But the music cuts - TRIPLE H & RIC FLAIR are apparently out for "Hello, David McLane" - Flair points at H Snoop style, and H says "Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. ["Ass hole!"] Lemme ask you a question, Kane - how happy is Katie Fick? Yeah, that's right - I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago...you killed her. That's right, Kane. You...are a murderer." Closeup on Kane - RAW Zone Credits - WW logo - goodbye.
Geez, did they *have* to pick the German word for FUCK? Exactly which German speaking country are they trying to get back at anyway...and for WHAT? Maybe we'll find out NEXT WEEK!!