Shots of Steve Austin taking a chair to Vince McMahon - clip of McMahon saying he wouldn't fire Austin "yet." Clips of last week's main event, the stipulations thereto, the hand-picked referee, the replaced timekeeper, and the final moments of the big Austin/Goldust match, culminating in Vince McMahon CLOCKING Jerry Brisco with the WWF Title. What will the corporate bigwigs do TONIGHT?

Monday Night RAW comes to you from the Colesium in Richmond, Virginia 4.5.98 (but taped 28.4.98) and broadcast on the USA Network (and some other places in other countries!) It is rated TV-PG-V.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Michael Cole.

Let's start right out with the Love Shack - but that isn't Dude Love, is it? "Cut this music...does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin (boos) - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came close. For those fo you who haven't been on the receving end of a Stone Cold ass kicking, let me tell you it doesn't feel that good. If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, he'd tell you he doesn't fell a whole hell of a lot better. So how do I receive my thanks? By getting a rematch? By being named the #1 contender? No, that honor went to Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going toe to toe with the champion of the world, last time I checked Goldust's resume, he was wearing a black teddy...tonight I am informed that I have to wrestle Terry Funk in a No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere match, and I know what Vince McMahon must be thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to worry about them anymore.' You see, I don't have all the asnwers, but I know a few things, number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids watch me bump and grind with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I am ever going to come out in this [Dude Love garb] again..." And he calls out Vince to face the music. Out comes Vince. Foley tells Vince that he's not going to make him dress like a horse's ass anymore and throws the Dude Love outfit at him. Vince: "You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something, sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion! And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all the other people would at *their* lost opportunities, becuase you see they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, when they don't get that promotion - I would expect better from you and you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you with your best friend Terry Funk in a No Holds Barred match? That's not a punishment, that's a *reward,* that's what it is, a REWARD! " "How you figure?" " I believe you and I are a lot alike. I believe you recognise this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph. This match you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity...if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out in this ring tonight, and if you not only beat him, but beat him within an inch of his life, if you pull out his heart and hold it high and let the blood drip down your arm, you will prove that you have what it takes to be the #1 contender...I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! You can seize this opportunity, and once again become the #1 contender to the WWF Championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face. How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours?" And he slaps him one. Suddenly, we hear the glass, and out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin. Vince backs off down the walkway while Austin jaws at him, THEN destroys the Love Shack. Foley just watches. Austin makes it into the ring, while Vince grabs the bell for protection. Austin walks away with two birds. We learn that Austin will be providing commentary for the big main event tonight. OK, so THAT'S why Austin came out? Or was destroying the set a message for Mick Foley? Well, I don't know. Maybe we'll find out later.

By the way, I'm probably not letting you in on, once again, how great Vince McMahon's performance was. It has to be seen to be believed.

You can relive WrestleMania XIV with an exciting video package, including never before seen footage and a Stone Cold Steve Austin wall banner! And believe me, nothing would be more exciting than to relive WrestleMania...

OWEN HART & THE ROCK (with the Nation) v. FAAROOQ & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - let us take you back to last week, where Owen Hart turned on Ken Shamrock and broke his ankle. Before Blackman & Faarooq comes out, Sargeant Slaughter has made his way to ringside to ban the rest of the Nation from the ring area. All four men tie it up, pairing up by race - oops, I didn't say that. After brawling on the outside, everyone comes back in and Hart and Blackman go to the corners. Faarooq dominates the Rock, including the Dominator, but Hart breaks up the pinfall count. Rock makes a tag, and so does Faarooq. Blackman with a whip, Hart with a reversal, Blackman goes under and does a leg takedown, then works over the leg. For nearly two minutes, Blackman punches and kicks and hits the knee. Tag to Faarooq, who continues on the knee, wrapping it around the ringpost - finally, Hart manages to rake the eyes, and tags the Rock. The Rock does nothing. It's all Faarooq. He's on fire! Big piledriver - 1, 2 - Hart makes the save. The Rock manages to gain the advantage with a DDT. Brought into the corner (and Hart's boot), tag to Hart. Hart with a second rope elbow for 2. Commentators say Owen refers to the Nation as "his new family." Legdrop by Hart. They distract Blackman, which in turn distracts referee "Blind" Tim White, and we have a doubleteam on Faarooq. Now it's time for the Rock with the People's Elbow (tm). Arrogant cover for 2. Faarooq punches back but it isn't enough. Tag to Owen Hart. European forearms. Whip, reversal, Faarooq with the spinebuster. Both men are down. Yes! Tag to Blackman. Owen goes down. Maivia goes down. Big kick to the sternum of Hart. Submission is on Hart - but Maivia breaks it up. Faarooq is in - *Jeff Jarrett* is in - Blackman's throat meets the top rope, thanks to Jarrett. Owen with a spinning heel kick, and a pin. (6:18)

Montage of Jerry Brisco clips - what a wonderful guy he is. Footage of the Brisco Brothers auto shop. Brisco, surrounded by family, publicly thanks Mr. McMahon for everything he has, because Mr. McMahon is responsible for everything he has - while his family smiles and looks off camera (to Vince, no doubt!)

There was a vignette for EDGE here, but I didn't see it - I thought it was a "La Femme Nikita" commercial. Honest!

Are you ready? As DX makes it to the ring, we learn that the New Age Outlaws have a tag team title bout with Skull & 8-Ball tonight, based on their win in last week's non-title match (in which they cheated, but I guess that's ok). Hunter starts out with his Michael Buffer impersonation again, which I guess means nobody sued last week. "As everybody knows, Operation DX continues, and tonight right now we take care of business on our own front lawn. And speaking of front lawns, ladies...Like the sign says, keep off my grass, but don't be afraid to stop by and whack the weeds!" Jesse James gets the mic and does his bit, then likens the DOA's chances of getting the titles to a snowball's in hell (and I'm inclined to agree). No sooner does James stop talking but out comes LOD 2000, oh and Sunny. "Hey DX, you know the five of you remind me of five dingleberries clumped together in the sweaty crack..." ok, that's enough of that. Hawk asks for the Title match to change to an eight man tag, including the Legion of Doom. DX is happy to comply. Wonder what the Disciples of Apocalypse feel about their tag team title shot disappearing. Everybody hypes that we'll see X-Pac in the ring for the first time in years.

A CG spot shows the WWF logo walking into a bar, slamming a brew, and belching loudly. Man, that IS attitude!

WWF RAW is brought to you by Skittles and WWF: The Music, Volume 2.

Let us take you back to last week, where Paul Bearer drops the bomb - Kane is his son.

DAN SEVERN (without Jim Cornette and belts, but with a mouthpiece) v. SAVIO VEGA (no entrance, aka "jobber entrance") - let us take you back to last week, where Severn "severed" his relationship with Jim Cornette. Savio is clean-shaven this week. JR reminds us that UFC XVII will be Friday, 15 May (if any PPV channels will clear it). This match, I think, can best be described as "deliberate," which is as kind or cruel as you would like it to be. Finish is an armbar/choke combination for the submission (1:36)

After informing us that coming up is a Paul Bearer interview, we go to the back and see Jerry Lawler and Paul Bearer. Instead of breaking for the ad break, we instead see the camera set down, Lawler and Bearer "breaking character," and talking about Bearer's rendezvous with the Undertaker's mother, not thinking the camera is on. Apparently, when Paul was 19, the first time he ever did it was with Mrs. Taker. We then hear a lurid story of what a slut she was and how they did it on the kitchen floor of the mortuary and virginity and - well, it was an interesting way of trying to make smart fans care about this angle, I guess.

When we come back, Jerry Lawler, stone faced, apologises to Paul Bearer and the viewers for any offense that might have resulted from that accidental transmission. And we are also spared an interview.

Let us take you back to last week, when Sable challenges Marc Mero to a match. We cut to some footage of Sable ... ahem ... working out. This actually IS as exciting as it sounds, even if she didn't seem to break a sweat the entire time. ("But CRZ, ladies don't sweat, they glow." "Shut up, you know what I mean.")

MARVELOUS MARC MERO v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Tedoublenedoublesdoublee Ldoublee) - a red carpet is rolled out for Jarrett's entrance - but that doesn't make up for the lack of blinking clothes, if you ask me. Before the match starts, Steve Blackman comes out and hits Jarrett from behind. Blackman and Jarrett end up brawling inside and outside the ring until the bevy of officials can manage to separate the two. By Golly, he IS the Lethal Weapon! Let's take an ad break! (no contest, apparently)

The PlayStation slam of the week is from last week's War Zone - the Disciples of Apocalypse pull a blatant twin switch and get the pinfall on the New Age Outlaws. Tekken 3 looks cooler than that last wrestling clip...

Jerry Lawler joins Jim Ross at the commentary table.

SKULL & 8-BALL (without Chainz but with Those Beautiful Titan Bikes) & LEGION OF DOOM 2000 (with Sunny) v. D-GENERATION X (without Chyna but with Chyna). Referee "Blind" Mike Ciota bans Sunny from ringside - well NOW what am I going to watch? LOD, by the way, seems to have lost those incredibly goofy helmets - good move. The New Age Outlaws come out again on their motor-scooters. When DX comes to ringside, Ciota does the same bit with Chyna, but it's *X-Pac* who leaves - apparently, Chyna is in this match! We start without a bell. Animal and James start up, shoulderblack and the Dogg goes down. Animal catches James, but James punches out of it, then runs into a powerslam for 2. Tag to 8-Ball. Clothesline, clubbing forearms. Whip, reverse and eyepoke. Tag to Triple H, who punches away until a whip is reversed into a kick. Tag to Skull. Snap suplex for 2 by Skull. Helmsley manages to tag Billy Gunn, but Skull clothesline both men. Into the corner, follow clothesline. Whip, but Gunn hits a Rocker dropper. Well well well, a tag to Chyna. FrankenChyna! for 2. Tag to the Dogg. Clubbing blows, uppercut, down goes Skull. James continues with punches and a kick. Tag to Triple H. Kick to the head and an ad break.

The "Don't Trust Anybody" tour stops at the San Jose Arena on 15 May! But wait, doesn't the WWF want me to order UFC XVII: Redemption? This is a tough call to make.

And in case anyone cares, I'll remind you that Goldust was the first to taste the power of the FrankenChyna. Well, maybe "taste" is a bad word in that context.

When we come back, Triple H appears to still be with Skull (maybe not much was edited out there?) Double feature replays the FrankenChyna. That TV-PG-V box makes a reappearance. Skull FINALLY tags out to Hawk, who is a house afire until Helmsley drops Hawk's neck on Helmsley's knee. Tag to Chyna, who delivers some martial arts kicks, then climbs the ropes, but before we can see anything, Hawk knocks the ropes and she tumbles to the outside. She immediately gets back in, though, and throws a Golotta since Ciota is coincidentally distracted. Three on one after the faces complain, distracting the ref yet again. Tag to Jesse James, big punch for 2. Tag to Triple H. "LOD" chant. Suplex by Helmsley. Crotch chop followed by knee drop. 1, 2, no. Tag to Gunn. Shot to the back, shot to the front, backbreaker (kinda misses but oh well), legdrop, 1, 2, no. Gunn with a whip, and a big splash in the corner. Another whip, but Hawk bounces off the corner and both men collide, then go down. Tag to 8-Ball who cleans house. Suddenly, DOA and LOD are arguing in their corner, and now Hawk and Animal are fighting with Skull. After 8-Ball delivers a sidewalk slam, HE sees what's going on and joins the melee. Meanwhile, DX have made it back in the ringand are content to watch. We take an ad break before finding out if there was a countout decision, or what. (About 11:00 including the ad break)

WWF Over the Edge is 31 May, and presented by Castrol GTX: Drive Hard!

Let us take you back to during the break, where the LOD and DOA have brawled to the back and found some weapons.

Funny, we never DID get the War Zone opening...

(the artist once again known as) GOLDUST (apparently without Luna) v. KANE (with Paul Bearer) - As Goldie makes his entrance, JR lets us know that if we call the hotline, we can find out which Superstar was surrounded by police in Atlanta. Ross speculates that this particular booking just might be punishment for Goldust for blowing his title shot last week, from Vince McMahon. Kane's sleeved arm shows effects of the "burning" from the Inferno match. Before too long, the Undertaker runs out to beat up Paul Bearer. Kane comes to his father's defense and soon we have Kane and the Undertaker fighting up the ramp. (DQ? COR? Does it matter? 1:52) Meanwhile, the bevy of officials tries to break up the battle, but Slaughter gets a shot from the Undertaker for his troubles.

Here's the Cinn-a-Burst Rewind. From last month, Cactus Jack bids a farewell to the crowd. Bite the burst!

Terry Funk & Mick Foley video package - this is GREAT stuff, including footage of Foley's infamous home movie, footage of Japan garbage matches between Cactus Jack and Terry Funk, and some WWF footage for good measure. The setup for tonight's match includes Cactus Jack's "farewell speech" where, while DX took apart the Hardcore Legends in the steel cage, the crowd chanted "Austin." Also a quote from Funk: "I love him like a son, but if I have to beat him to death, I will." As we take a split screen shot of the two locker rooms, we are reminded that Stone Cold Steve Austin will be ringside, and it's NEXT!

Val Venis vignette - great gosh a mighty, he's joined by "actress" Jenna Jameson! Surely this is a sign of the impending apocalypse! And remember, the louder I protest, the more I wanna see her NAKED!

Stone Cold Steve Austin is introduced and applauded. Austin actually does a halfway-decent Sandman impersonation, downing a Budweiser before joining the commentators.

TERRY FUNK v. MICK FOLEY in a no holds barred, falls count anywhere match - Foley is announced as "Mick Foley" and has no music. Before we start, a special referee is announced - and it's Pat Patterson. "What in the hell is this crap?" says Austin. I don't know why Austin's unhappy about that, but oh well. Lockup, to the corner, clean break. Funk with a punch, and many more. Funk takes Foley outside and follows. Folely with a right and a backrake. Funk grabs a chair but Foley takes him down before he gets a chance to use it. Funk comes back up and chairs Foley. Twice. Three times and Foley goes down. Funk throws the chair on him, and slaps him in the face. Foley is bleeding. Foley takes Funk's head to the steps, then chairs HIM. Chair thrown ito the ring. Clothesline on the outside. Funk comes back and slams Foley's head into the commentary table. Funk takes Foley to the barricade. Both men back in the ring. Whip into the ropes by Funk. Foley turns it into a swinging DDT. We hear the funny static-y sound and Austin's mic goes out. Angered, Austin takes Lawler's headset. Meanwhile Foley gets a 2 count on the outside. Austin's had enough with the technical difficulties (which had continued) and KO's Lawler, who disappears. While Austin argues with Jim Ross, Funk has thrown Foley into the steps again, and swings at Patterson for good measure. Foley comes back - the pads have been pulled off the floor - the piledriver attempt is reversed with a back body drop on the cement. Funk throws Foley over the railing but the railing collapses. They're in the crowd! Austin is yammering on and not contributing to this match. Foley turns to a "hot dog guy" and slams him. Apparently, they're back in a concession area. Funk takes a plastic soda display case and waffles Foley with it. Climbing into the next level - I smell a big spot coming up here. On the railing - he IS! Funk with the MOONSAULT on Foley and the vendor! Funk complains of a stinger. Foley destroys a popcorn display. Austin actually says "This is quality wrestling" and isn't sarcastic. Foley takes Funk on a table - piledriver! Now they're rolling under the set of bleachers. The camera can't follow so we'll take an ad break.

Let me take this opportunity to say: Steve Austin's character doesn't seem to serve color commentary very well. Of course, that's just my opinion, and if Steve Austin ever asks if I said that, I'll deny it. Perhaps somebody thought this match needed some "beep-every-couple-sentences" commentary to make it special, but that's not where I'm going.

During the break footage shows more backstage brawling, a table, a garbage can, and a 2 count.They're still toe to toe backstage, and out a door and back to the arena. Foley uses - well, I don't know what it was. They're back to the ramp and Foley hits a DDT on the steel walkway. 1, 2, NO! Foley throws Funk into the ring. Kick to the head, kick to the head. Kick to the head. Funk struggles to climb back up but meets a clothesline and both men are out again. Foley takes the top off the commentary table and throws it at Funk. Funk is draped across the commentary table and Austin roots for Mick. Foley grabs a chair, leaps for Funk and drops the chair across his head while Funk falls off the commentary table. Foley and Austin argue for a minute. Back in the ring, Foley tries for a pin. 1, 2, no. Double underhook DDT - 1, 2, no! Foley with a vicious piledriver. Back to the chair - Funk is piledriven on the chair! 1, 2, 3. (16:32 including ad break). But Foley isn't done! Funk's head is repeatedly driven into the chair. Austin is up to the ring - and throws beer into Foley's face! Foley puts the mandible claw - whoops, on Patterson. Foley and Austin go back to jaw jacking - Patterson has a chair! He was going to hit Austin! But Austin turned, saw it, and hit the kicktothegut Stone Cold Stunner. Austin's music plays - then *Dude Love's* music plays! Vince McMahon and the Dude-ettes come out to Foley - Vince: "I KNEW you could do it!" He hands the Dude Love garb to Foley - and then - well, I guess he's Dude Love again. He's dancing, the fine lookin' women are dancing, VINCE is dancing, and a message, apparently, has been sent to Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Until next time...