The THUMP is gone. I'll miss him.

One world leader attitude - WWF!

WWF RAW coming to you 8.6.98 from some arena in Rockford, IL (taped 2.6) and rated TV-PG-V. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Michael Cole.

Big time fireworks! Bring a sign and take a dollar off your ticket price! Well, maybe not, but it does look like EVERYBODY brought a sign. We get things started off in grand style with the introduction of MR. McMAHON. Out he comes, along with the Yes Men (oh, they're back after a week. Sigh.) The Musketeers are made up in monkey suits and all smiles. "Austin" chant is out there. "May I have your attention please." Crowd noise is turned up. "Thank you - thank you very much - and thank you for making RAW - as you have through the years - and again last week - the most watched sports entertainment program in history. Thank you. This will be a night of thanks. I come before you tonight as a humble man. I come before you tonight with generosity - with caring - and with sharing in my heart. You see, you only know the VM that you see on television, you only know the VM each and every week displaying extraordinary mental prowess. You only know the VM who's achieved unparalleled success. You only know the VM who, only when necessary, will display his Herculean physicality. But tonight, ladies and gentlemen, you get to meet the true VM. A VM of generosity, of caring, and tonight as a result of all my many years ("Austin" chant) he's here, he's here...and tonight as a result of all of the contributions I've had the privlidge of making to worthy charitable organisations, tonight I will be honored by two of the most respected charitable organisations in this country. Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, VM will be named Humanitarian of the Year. And, at this black tie event later on tonight, obviously, we've invited all of you here in this arena to join us, we've invited a worldwide television audience to join us in this momentous occasion, and in yet one more magnamamous gesture, I will extend the olive branch to one man who likewise will join us in this ring, when VM is named Humanitarian of the Year later tonight, joining us for the presentation will be Stone Cold Steve Austin. I thank you from the bottom of my heart." Ross is falling over himself to say how he thinks something is up.

KAMAVED MUSTAFA, THE GODFATHER OF THE NATION (with the Nation) v. THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN KEN SHAMROCK in a King of the Ring Qualifier - a bevy of WWF referees remove the Nation to ensure a level playing field. We see a clip of last week's attack by Shamrock on Owen Hart to remind us that he's back. Kama's been letting his hair grow out and I gotta say I like him better with hair. Kama has his way, then Shamrock has HIS way, then Kama blocks the huracanrana attempt by powerbombing Shamrock. Kama works on the formerly "snapped" ankle. A submission attempt is countered with a Shamrock submission attempt, which works well enough that Kama has to grab the ropes. Shamrock either reinjures his ankle or does a damn fine selling job by limping throught the latter two-thirds of this match. Kama is caught attempting the leapfrog, Shamrock grabs the ankle and twists it until the Supreme Fighting Machine cries Uncle. (2:43) No sooner does the bell ring than D-LO BROWN appears. They fight toe-to-toe until DAN SEVERN appears and throws Brown out of the ring. What's up with that? We learn that Severn will face Brown tonight, so maybe that's it - since Severn and Shamrock STILL don't particularly appear to like each other that much. Sure enough, glares and stares are exchanged before Severn leaves. Shamrock does that scream thing for the crowd.

Video from Madison Square Garden's card last Friday - 19,506 is the announced crowd. With the announcement that SummerSlam will take place in New York, we turn to a video montage of DX in New York, where they manage to offend at least three different nationalities, and for an encore, get a lovely young thing to show her titties (but for us, it's censored. Well, hell.)

New Stone Cold shirt! Remember, DTA stands for "Don't Trust Nobody."

Starburst Fruit Chews (Chew a Clue) and WWF: The Music, Volume 2 and Super Soakers present RAW.

MARVELOUS MARC MERO (with Jacqueline) & JEDOULBEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Tedoublenedoublesdoublee Ldoublee and without Southern Justice) v. FDOULBEARDOUBLEOQ & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - this match is billed as a chance at revenge for Blackman and Faarooq, who were screwed in their respective KotR Qualifiers by the other team (rather, their respective managers). OK. Faarooq almost immediately hits a spinebuster on Mero, and pounds away. Tag to Blackman who continues until receiving a Stooges eyepoke. Tag to Jarrett, axehandle from the middle rope to the arm. Head to the turnbuckle, whip, gobehind by Blackman, big kicks, slides underneath, kicks and Jarrett goes down. Mero, meanwhile, is busy talking to Jackie. Blackman tries to leap over Jarrett, but Jarrett hits the ol' side Russian leg sweep - and struts. Whip into the ropes, nice Jarrett dropkick. Bridge for 2. Blackman with a surprise small package for 2. Jarrett whips Blackman into the ropes, Blackman ducks a clothesline and chops down Jarrett. Whip into a powerslam. 1, 2, Mero makes the save, Faarooq comes in - all four men in - Double whip, double reversal and the good guys meet each other. Mero goes back out and talks to Jacqueline again - in fact, his back is to the action, so when Faarooq pushes Jarrett into the ropes, he hits Mero who goes down to the floor. Jarrett staggers backwards, and into a Blackman inside cradle. 1, 2, 3. (3:26) - Tennessee Lee does some of the best overacting I've seen in a long while. Mero and Jarrett argue.

We see a shot of the Awards - the two charitable organisations are the Halas/Payton Foundation, and Minority Athletes Networking, in case you cared.

Another shot of DX doing New York. Jesse James has the best bit where he claims a bar for Ireland. They also offend, I think, three MORE minorities. But it's all good, clean fun, honest.

And here's one MORE video package of DX in NY. The Outlaws help a little ol' lady across the street, Chyna models some fashions. We get two more breasts censored on tape, too. Look carefully or you might think that Triple-H is Shawn Michaels when the light hits him a certain way - must be that scruffy beard, yeah.

(2 COLD) SCORPIO v. OWEN HART (with the Nation, for about two seconds) in a King of the Ring Qualifier - Owen comes to the ring with his "whiny bitch" music. Since we all know who's going to win this match, let's just all go grab a snack, shall we? This actually is a pretty good match, but I'm just so cynical that I can't get into it. Owen takes command after Scorpio misses a moonsault - chop block, followed by bending the leg backwards, buttdrop on the knee, Sharpshooter and submission (5:16). Brackets are down there at the end, like last week.

We almost immediately cut to a shot of the Undertaker arriving at the arena and then almost immediately go to an ad break.

Let us take you back to During the Break - Undertaker pushes away a security guard, enters Mr. McMahon's dressing room, and finds - an empty room.

DARREN "DROZ" DROZDOV v. CHAINZ - before we start, we go to a video package - courtesy NBC Sports, we see Darren's tattoos, and Darren's - er - puke. This match is back and forth, and Drozdov looks good - nice dropkick and Chainz is outside. Getting back in, Chainz comes back with a kick and repeated punches. Whip into the ropes, big boot for 2. To the chinlock. It is announced that Mankind and the Undertaker will be in a Hell in a Cell match at King of the Ring. Chainz with the powerslam. Chainz to the top rope but the kneelift finds nothing but the mat. Drozdov with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Droz with a three point stance - to a splash - to nothing because Chainz moved away. Chainz with the Spicolli Driver (!) for the pin (2:54) - whoops, there's THE UNDERTAKER, who chokeslams Chainz, then chokeslams Droz for good measure. Chainz is tossed out of the ring, and then Droz is thrown out. As Undertaker says "Where's McMahon? I want McMahon!" we take an ad break.

When we come back, he's still in the ring. On the Titantron, we see McMahon, Brisco, Patterson, and the two representatives of the charities, so Undertaker takes off to find them.

Are you ready? It's all five members of D-GENERATION X, who are here to do the same damn series of catchphrases we've heard a million times before. Let's fast forward to LOD TWO THOUSAND and SKANKY walking to the ring. Animal has an anyeurism and asks for a title shot. Helmsley actually accuses Animal of having an anyeurism, ha! And that they can HAVE the title shot. Soon enough, we see Skull & 8-Ball riding out on Those Beautiful Titan Bikes. Helmsley: "How many microphones does the WWF own?" A DOA: "Yammer yammer yammer WE deserve a title shot!" After a huddle, DX decides that they can't fight both of them, so all four of them should just SUCK IT! Well, now we've got COMMISSIONER SLAUGHTER (resplendent in tuxedo) out - who announces that BOTH DOA and LOD are the #1 Contenders, and there will be a Triple Threat match for the Tag Team Championship tonight between all three acronyms. We cut to a backstage shot of Undertaker destroying everything in sight.

Edge vignette. Coming soon!

Jerry Lawler joins Jim Ross, which much make this the War Zone. Sure enough, the TV-PG-V box comes out during the entrance of

THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY v. (THE MAN THEY CALL) VADER - even though Vader unmasked at Over the Edge, I guess he didn't actually LOSE the mask, because it's on here. They do the ram thing where nobody moves. Vader tries a belly-to-belly but it's no go. Vader tries the bodyslam but it's no go. Henry slams Vader with authority (wow!). Big elbow drop from Henry. "Who's the man now? It's my turn!" LEG DROP OF DOOM! Vader gets up. Henry with clubbing blows, and repeated rights. Elbow to the head. Whip, reverse, Vader knocks him down. Vader picks him up and clotheslines him down again. Vader with a bodyslam (!). Vader climbs the ropes, but ends up flipping into a Henry bodyslam. As Henry punches away at Vader, the Undertaker is out again to cause damage. Chokeslam on Henry (DQ 2:46) - chokeslam on Vader! "Where's McMahon?" and he walks back up the ramp. Ross is sure that Undertaker will ruin McMahon's special ceremony tonight.

The JVC Kaboom! of the week is Steve Austin's chair shot on Dude Love's skull from Over the Edge.

Let us take you back to Over the Edge, where Marc Mero proves he's the smartest man alive by duping Sable and securing the pinfall to oust Sable from the World Wrestling Federation. And she walked out of the building dressed like that - can you believe it?

D-LO BROWN (without the Nation - they've caught on I guess) v. DAN SEVERN (with mouthpiece) - WWF graphic mistakenly refers to the "Nation of Domination" - oops. D-Lo puts on the ol' badmouth, then slaps Severn. Gee, that ain't too smart. Brown DOES get some offense in, and gets to do some more of that yelling. "I'm D-Lo Brown!" Severn puts on his "insane" face and one suplex and one submission hold later (Ross calls is "bow and arrow" like) and Severn's in the King of the Ring. (3:08) Immediately, Owen Hart hits the ring to deliver a spinning heel kick - and there's Ken Shamrock, gimping his way to the ring to chase Hart away. I'm thinking Shamrock's injured, 'cause this is just too good a sell of an injury.

Here's a special video tribute to Sable. If I were Darrell Hammond, I'd pretend I were Ted Koppel and say "Oh, come on!" This is almost as bad as Shawn Michaels losing his smile.

Let's take you back to "earlier today" where Stone Cold Steve Austin met the charity representatives.

VAL VENIS v. DUSTIN RUNNELLS - "Hello, ladies! You know, Dennis Rodman and I have a lot in common - you know, they call us both 'the worm' ha ha ha ha ha (inhale) the only difference is, he dominates the boards, while I dominate the broads (inhale)" The former Goldust appears nonplussed. Lockup, to the corner, reverse, Venis fondles Dustin, a la Goldust. Runells wallops him and Venis goes down - er, hits the mat. Backbodydrop, clothesline and Venis is outside. Venis pulls Runnels outside with him and they're on. Back in we go and Runnells hits an arm drag. Knee to the elbow, repeat. Arm drag, Venis with a hairpull to get the advantage - to the ropes and there's some pounding. Back suplex by Venis. Venis checks his goodies, they're still there. Elbow, followed by an elbowdrop after Runnells hits the deck. Whip, clothesline, chinlock by Venis. Dustin powers out and puts on a sleeper, but Venis jacks his jaw to get out of it. Punch to the head, repeat, repeat. Venis with a ... camel clutch? Complete with gyrations by Venis, oh boy. He goes to buttdrop, but Dustin turns over and knees him in the crotch. Atomic drop by Dustin and Venis has to worry about his goodies again. Uppercut by Dustin. Big clothesline to take him down. Runnells climbs the rope, clothesline. 1, 2, no. Whip into the corner, there's the bulldog! It's gotta be time! 1, 2, no. Oh boy, here comes the Undertaker. I wonder what's going to happen next. That's right, a chokeslam for each man (Dustin at least tries to get a short in before eating his chokeslam).

DX takes Super Soakers to the Slam Jam set and hits Dok Hendrix, then a Camera Geek. Boy oh boy! I'm gonna go buy one RIGHT NOW!

Super Soaker proudly sponsors King of the Ring, 28 June from the Igloo in Pittsburgh!

SKULL & 8-BALL (with Those Beautiful Titan Bikes) v. LOD 2000 (with goofy helmets and poser manager) v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with Chyna) for the WWF Tag Team Championship in a Triple Threat Match - Before the match starts, Undertaker takes Commissioner Slaughter to pieces since he can't find McMahon and Slaughter won't tell him. Not only does he rip off Sarge's shirt, but he drops a plastic garbage can on him.

After an ad break, we see that X-Pac and Hunter Hearst Helmsley have taken a position at the top of the ramp, complete with chairs and signs (best sign: "Where's Rocco? (sic)") Animal starts out and has his way with both Outlaws, so Gunn tags 8-Ball. I made a vow not to chronicle any more DOA/LOD fights, so we return to the action when Jesse James is tagged, ducks a clothesline, puts on the brakes, turns around and hits some punches on the Disciple of Apocalypse. Clothesline for 2. Sunny poses while Chyna actually watches the match. Skull is tagged and the DOA doubleteam. Gunn rescues James from a pin. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is having trouble keeping four guys outside the ring and two guys in. Hawk and Skull take turns deliver ineffective moves that don't hurt the other. 8-Ball is tagged in and Hawk still won't sell ANYTHING - not even the old "illegal hit from behind" as he goes off the ropes. Finally, Gunn tags Hawk when he isn't looking and Hawk has to leave the ring. Good enough. Gunn takes care of whichever one it is, tag to James and they do the cool doubleteam drop toehold/kneedrop combo. Now James is distracting the ref while Gunn takes it to the DOA. And now it's a tag to Animal, and that DOA tags the other DOA, and I take another break from commentary. James tags Animal, and does ok until getting hit in a tender spot behind the ref's back. DOA tag. James is in trouble. Choke on the second rope. Eyepoke by James and escape to a tag to Animal. Animal and the DOA go at it but the DOA tags Gunn. Next thing we know Animal's tagged Jesse James and both Outlaws are in. Will we see them go at it? Yeah, right. James lays down, and Gunn gets a quick pin. Damn, that's brilliant! 1, 2, 3 (7:39) - DOA and LOD can't believe they've been outsmarted. Hell, I find it pretty EASY to believe. Ha!

Outside, we see three cars full of cops enter the picture, and then we take an ad break.

AL SNOW & THE HEAD are in their black tie outfits (the Head is wearing a bow tie). Al is still trying to get his meeting with Vince McMahon, you see and just before he gets his chance, security escorts them away.

KEVIN KELLY introduces Mr. McMahon. Someone has gussied up the ring with that stuff you put on Christmas trees (probably cheap in June!) - Of course, McMahon is flanked by Patterson and Brisco. Backstage, we see a phalanx of cops marching towards - we don't know. Oh wait, there we go. They're keeping the Undertaker at bay. Kelly introduces STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who comes to the ring in his normal outfit - oh yes, and a black tie. GEORGE MARTIN from the New York Giants represents M.A.N., and DARNELL AUTRY is the representative of the Halas-Payton Foundation. Martin: "Mr. McMahon, I have been given the dubious distinction of recognising you for your contribution to our organisation. And I"d like to say that we did receive your very generous contribution, even though it was significantly less than what we had originally been promised. I'd also like to say, Mr. McMahon, that after not one but two attempts, that that cheque finally cleared, and finally Mr. McMahon, I'd like to say that the chlidren of our organisation have been very understanding of your very busy schedule and you not being able to come to our organisation so with that, Mr. McMahon, I'd like to say to you that it is my pleasure to recognise you for your contribution as our Humanitarian of the Year and by the way Mr. McMAhon, on a personal note, I'd just like you to know that my favourite WWF SUperstar happens to be SCSA!" Autry: "I too like my colleague would like to present Mr. McMahon with the George Halas-Walter Payton Humanitarian award - but I don't remember him giving us the cheque - whatever. Um, anyway, I would like to present this Humanitarian award to Vince McMahon and Mr. McMahon I would also like to let you know that my favourite superstar is also Stone Cold Steve Austin." McMahon: "I must say that your attempt at humour is only exceeded by my generosity but nonetheless I would like to thank you, and also to each and every one of you [the fans]. I believe, that indeed I humbly but yet deservedly accept this award tonight - there may be a few of you who disagree but the vast majority of you would concur that I deserve such an accolade based upon my efforts as of late to turn the other cheek, so to speak, and even tonight in a magnamonous gesture as I extend friendship to Steve Austin - and no doubt, my dedication and loyalty to each and every one of you all over the world. I vow that I will take these awards tonight and place them on the very same wall as all the other awards I have received over my lifetime - and one day they will be presented in a future WWF Hall of Fame. I thank you, thank you very much - hey! That's my money!" Austin has just lifted a wad of 50's from McMahon's back pocket. "There's exactly 1200 bucks here, and on behalf of the tightest sonofabitch in the world, Vincent K. McMahon, I'd like to donate these funds to a worthy cause, and I don't know if he should be Humanitarian of the Year, but if you think he should be Jackass of the Year, give me a hell yeah!" Autry and Martin split the cash and leave as BONG...BONG...six druids bring out a casket. The Undertaker's music is playing and we are left to wonder if the Undertaker is hear for McMahon - or Austin - or both. Suddenly, MANKIND, who was under the ring, attacks Austin from behind, as KANE exits the casket. The doubleteam is on, and Vince is cheering them on! At PAUL BEARER's direction, Austin is stuffed in the casket by Kane and Mankind - and that's it!