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WWF RAW is WAR |
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MainBLAH |
My VCR is on strike, apparently. Not only did it not start on time, but
it locked up about three times tonight. Hopefully this won't matter TOO
much but it does mean you don't get complete transcripts of what Mr.
McMahon was saying this week - strangely enough, two times the VCR didn't
work was when Vince was talking. Do you think it's trying to tell me
something? So anyway, sorry I'm late - sorry for the holes in the report you're about to read - most of you already saw this show anyway, right? Ok. If you REALLY feel you missed something, go read the report of www.wwf.com - THEN you'll have something to complain about! Ha! Monday Night RAW came to you LIVE 27.7.98 from the Arrowhead Pond at Anaheim (California), rated TV-PG-V (probably) and en espanol sea disponible. There were the prerequisite still shots from last night's Fully Loaded pay-per-view to begin the show and then THE UNDERTAKER started out the talkfest by bringing both tag team belts with him to the ring (oh, did I mention Undertaker and Steve Austin won the tag team titles at the PPV?) and demanding Austin come out and apologise or else they won't be much of a tag team. Before that can happen, and because this is the beginning of the show, VINCENT K. and the musketeers come out - apparently Vince still has a bit of a problem with that whole "cahoots" thing between 'Taker and his brother. Although Undertaker *appeared* to settle the whole issue last night by fighting Kane, Vince thought it weird that one tombstone did the job last night when he needed three at WrestleMania. Anyway, Vince feels that HE is deserving of an apology from the Undertaker due to the fact that he put his hands on the owner last week, oh and by the way there will be a tag team title defense tonight against the New Age Outlaws. "And now Undertaker, I am not leaving this ring until you apologise to me." Of course, we hear the breaking glass so it's time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to hit the ring, complete with another new belt. During Austin's posedown, McMahon and company leave the ring. Austin says he never asked to be Undertaker's friend, but if a match is going to be made, then he'll be in it. Austin also declines to apologise, instead displaying an unfriendly hand gesture. Undertaker's scowl is almost as cool as Vince's. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide commentary. We're going to have a Triple Threat Intercontinental title match tonight. Also, the King will present a tropy in last night's Bikini contest - and Sable will display a RAW bikini later in the show. Hooray! D'LO BROWN v. VADER in a nontitle match - in the clip from last week's title match, Ross calls Chyna "Sable" which proves he's completely lost it. Brown winning the belt means that the WWF has to consistently spell his first name, so the apostrophe wins out against the hyphen. "You know, I've just got off the phone with the promoters of EuroDisney and they said D'Lo, we've got new two brand new rides for you - one's called the Sky High and one's called the 'Lo Down." As Vader enters and we learn this is yet another nontitle match, we take an ad break. Oh boy! If I buy some Stri-dex, I can get a cool Triple H poster! The Highway to Hell Countdown is up to #5! D'Lo's neck seems a little looser this week. Basically, this match consists of Vader hitting a power move, but D'Lo not really feeling it due to that Chest Protector which he's still wearing. Ross says "pectorial" again. D'Lo actually SLAMS Vader which is pretty damn impressive - Vader hasn't lost THAT much weight. Then later, he does it AGAIN. Moonsault finds the mark! 1, 2, shoulder is up. D'Lo lunges, Vader ducks, and Brown is outside. And now Vader is out, and now Vader is removing the chest protector. Big splash a la Mark Henry and Vader re-enters the ring - whoa, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has been counting the whole time and Vader beat the countout for the win (4:17). Brown's clutching his chest. Backstage, we see a split screen of the two competitors in tonight's exciting (ugh) BRAWLforALL match - Dr. Death Steve Williams, and Bart Gunn. It's "DROZ'S WORLD" - where puking is COOL and snakes and guns and tongues and other stuff - ah, hell, forget it. RAW is brought to you by the JVCKaboom!box, Burst gum, Starburst Fruit Chews, AND Acclaim's WWF War Zone. Attendance is over eighteen thousand tonight. DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS v. BODACIOUS BART GUNN in a BRAWLforALL match - clips from both earlier matches show Williams beating up Pierre, and Bart beating up his tag team partner Bob - this is supposed to look exciting, you know. Round One shows Williams immediately scoring a takedown. Bart lands a left. The rest of this round is a lot of tying up in the ropes. Punches are about even but I think Bart got the better of it to tie the first round. Replay shows the takedown because they REALLY want Dr. Death to advance and aren't making any bones about it. Round two shows Williams trying to weasel out another takedown, while Gunn is happy to keep up the southpaw stance and fire away. Then as a surprise, Gunn hits a takedown with a few seconds left in the round. Ross speculates that it's even - I still think Gunn is punching more, but it's fixed you know. "Unofficial" score has Williams up 15-5, which PROVES that it's rigged - no WAY Doc won the most punches landed BOTH rounds. Round three again shows Williams trying to score cheap points with a takedown - so Bart takes HIM down, and Williams seems to have a bum knee. Holy crap, Gunn just KO'd Williams with a massive left! That's gotta make those guys fixing this tourney REALLY unhappy. Replay shows Bart with some cement block punching, and Williams' head literally BOUNCING off the canvas. IN fact, he's STILL out. Ross tries to make Dr. Death sound like he hasn't just ruined his reputation forever, and certainly I'LL never bring it up next time we see him. Hahaha... WHINY BITCH OWEN HART walks to the ring while they're still attending to Williams. Must be time for an ad break. USA ad during this break shows a parody of the "60 Minutes" opening - WWF Sunday Night Heat airs in the 60 Minutes slot starting this Sunday! Let Us Take You Back to During the Break - as it takes two people to help Dr. Death stagger back to the backstage. And now let's turn to Owen... "Last night, I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm the most Dangerous man here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I also proved that I am NOT a nugget! I am NOT a nugget! I am the baddest in the WWF and there's anybody back there or out there who has the guts to challenege me, I dare you to come out and get a piece of the baddest man in the WWF." Owen's music plays *again*, and out comes JASON SENSATION - geez, I hope HE doesn't plan on trying out Owen. "Well enough is enough and it's time for a change - woooo! Hey you, tough guy, you think you can come out here and slap me around, huh? Well I think it's time for you and me to stand nose to nose, meaning we're gonna be miles apart, woooo! The fact is, Owen, you're nothin' but a little nugget, and it's time that people start flushing you down the toilet, dammit, woooo! Nug-get! Nug-get! Nug-get! ..." Well, before Owen can rush Jason, the music of DAN SEVERN plays and out walks Severn. At least he removes his jacket before Owen jumps him... OWEN HART v. DAN SEVERN - Owen hits from behind to start the match. Owen does the IRS technique, grabbing Severn's tie and punching away. The Sharpshooter is locked in, but Severn powers out (!) and strikes away. Now here's KEN SHAMROCK running in from the crowd, ending THIS match (DQ? :53) with a giant lariat and a Dragon sleeper (well, it looks like one). Severn braks it up with a choke on Shamrock of his own, and a bodyscissors. Owen's hit the bricks and Jim Ross let's out a "what in thee hell." Now STEVE BLACKMAN is out to try to help the cartload of WWF officials separate the two UFC veterans. Of course, Shamrock still wants a piece of Severn, but he ends up being held back. Sunday Night Heat is THIS Sunday at 7/6! Dok Hendrix lets me know locally that Saturday, 1 August is the first day ticket sale for RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena Monday, 14 September! Hmmm, I wonder if the WWF would give me a press pass... Michael Cole is backstage to get an interview with - well, apparently Ken Shamrock. "Ken, what happened out there?" "Whatareyoublindyouidiot? Iseverybodyblindouthere? DAMN!!!" Shamrock pushes over the chainlink fence. SCORPIO & FAAROOQ v. DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (with Paul Ellering and Those Beautiful Titan Bikes) - BRADSHAW has joined the commentators at the table. He had no problem punking Funk (say THAT five times fast), because "you don't cross me." Let Us Take You Back to last week when Ellering tries to run over Road Warrior Animal with a Beautiful Titan Bike. Ross says that Scorp & 'rooq are undefeated so gee, I wonder who's going to win. Bradshaw says he's never seen anything so sick as a clean fight or a fair fight - hey, you think he's turned heel on us here? Back and forth match favours the two guys who aren't twins. Faarooq goes outside to follow one of the twins, the other helps out by getting Faarooq, and then we get a cool top-rope-to-floor-plancha by Scorpio on the three men. Back in, the DOA are working over Scorpio pretty good. Jerry Lawler starts to ask Bradshaw something and Bradshaw grabs Lawler asking him to call the match - "nobody wants to listen to your Comedy Central!" Ohh..kay... Next thing we know, after the hot tag to Faarooq and a clothesline to get (flip a coin) Skull outside the ring, Bradshaw gets up and pastes him. Ross: "Bradshaw just tagged the DOA - what the hell for?" Scorpio gets one more lucha-style axehandle before Bradshaw pastes HIM as well. Now he's in the ring and trading punches with Faarooq (DQ 3:25) - now all five men are brawling (hey, where's Paul Ellering anyway?) and out come the WWF officials to break it up. Bradshaw and Commissioner Slaughter have a brief tet a tet before Bradshaw exits. Let Us Take You Back to last night's Free for All, where Lawler takes a gander at Sable's "bikini" behind a screen. Backstage, THE ROCK promises that he'll hold onto his Intercontinental title tonight - even if his two opponents ARE both members of DX. The Stri-Dex Triple Action is of Chyna having her way with various Nation groins...er... THE ROCK v. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (with Chyna) v. X-PAC (also with Chyna) in a Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Title - All I want to know is, which DX member will lay down for the other? Both DX members arrive together and then Helmsley does that hilarious Michael Buffer impersonation that always leaves 'em laughing. It's Helmsley's birthday you know, so I'll pick HIM as the winner. As the Rock enters, RAW ends and the War Zone begins. As they flash the title graphic, I can't help but notice that that colour scheme sure reminds me of a Dr Pepper can. Both DX members work together at the start, taking turns taking shots at the Rock. Helmsley with a suplex on the Rock. X-Pac with a lightning legdrop. Both DX guys with that crotch choppen. Rock manages a clothesline on X-Pac but falls at the hands of a Helmsley clothesline. Now while X-Pac rests, it's Helmsley and Rock. High knee on the Rock. Pedigree! 1, 2...X-Pac pulls of Helmsley! X-Pac covers...1, 2...HELMSLEY pulls X-Pac off. Now they're arguing - now they're SHOVING...the Rock gets Helmsley out of the ring. X-Pac with a spinning heel kick for 2. X-Pac is whipped into Helmsley, who takes out the commentary table on his way down. And now the Rock is in control, with punches. X-Pac fires back but the Rock hits a Samoan drop for 2. Bodyslam by the Rock and now it's time for the People's Elbow. 1, 2, kickout. Helmsley has ALMOST managed to roll back in the ring. Iblockyou'repunchyoudon'tblockmine by X-Pac. The Rock manages to counter and hit Rock Bottom, but Helmsley pulls off the Rock at 2. Now Helmsley and the Rock are fighting. Helmsley with a knee to the noggin and a lariat. 1, 2, shoulder squeaks up. X-Pac is getting to his feet while the Rock clotheslines Helmsley. X-Pac with the face slam but again Helmsley pulls away his friend at 2. Again the two DX'ers are having a discussion, now a heathed discussion, now Helmsley pastes X-Pac. And now X-Pac is firing back. Back and forth, they're both fighting, and the Rock has rolled away. Now while both guys are fighting, the Rock is walking away and referee "Blind" Mike Ciota is counting him out, taking time out to count a near fall for X-Pac (that must confuse him.... "1...2...3...1, 2...4...5...6..") Anyway, when the two DX'ers had a golden opportunity for one of them to lay down so the other could get the belt they both blow it and the Rock is counted out, stopping the match and guaranteeing that he keeps his belt. (COR 6:54) Fully Loaded Encore ad has an awful lot of censoring for some strange reason... Another local RAW ad during this break. Michael Cole, backstage, interviews the New Age Outlaws. Jesse James is sporting his Kid'n'Play hairdo. They're not worried about Helmsley and X-Pac's differences - they're only worried about getting back their titles. BRAKUS v. JESUS (no entrance) - surely an auspicious debut to take on the son of God! Brakus is rated TV-PG-V and comes out to Mark Henry's good-guy music (I guess I'm not supposed to remember that, ha!). Clip of Savio taking apart Brakus in the Bral for All match is supposed to make Brakus look good - it doesn't. Lockup, powerout. Brakus whips Jesus and hits a powerslam. Elbow drop. Brakus sure does a lot of shouting for a German guy. Another elbow drop. Stomp on the back. Spinebuster. 1, 2, 3. Whoops, that's it. (:51) Let's see Val Venis in the shower - hey! There's Yamaguchi-San's wife! She has tanlines, too! As Ross says "what thee" let's take that ad break now. VAL VENIS v. TOO SEXY BRIAN CHRISTOPHER (with Scott Too Hot Taylor, no entrance) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Venis interrupts the Crawl of Shame ceremony. "If you wanna hang out at Disneyland all you want, that's damn well okay, but if you want the ride of a lifetime, hop aboard the big Valbowski!" I finally saw the Big Lebowski last week, and I have NO idea how that relates. Before the match starts, the music of KAIENTAI fires up and there they are along with YAMAGUCHI-SAN, a Samurai sword and some sausages - I can guess where this is going and I'm uncomfortable about it. Glorified squash ends with a fisherman's suplex (2:13) although Christopher DOES get a cool DDT. After the match, Too Much doubleteam Venis and TAKA MICHINOKU makes the save (he didn't walk by Kaientai on the way out, did he?) Finally, we turn back to Kaientai - there's a challenge for next week, and after they win the match, Yamaguchi is going to chop up a bratwurst. No, I guess that's symbolic. For those of us who still didn't get it, Yamaguchi says "I choppy choppy your pee pee." Graphic replay of the sausage halving. Suddenly I crave a sandwich. Michael Cole interviews the Legion of Doom 2000 - well, Animal, anyway. Hawk just stands there. MARK HENRY & THE GODFATHER (with three ho's with six shiny breasts) v. LOD TWO THOUSAND (with goofy helmets) - Godfather reminding us that he's a pimp, you see. Hawk trips on his way into the ring - and he forgot his shoulder pads, too. I guess he's supposed to be doing his Scott Hall impersonation for us, if you get my drift. Animal starts out with Mark Henry. Shoulderblock and nobody moves. Repeat. The third time Henry goes down. Tag to the Godfather, who has a bit more success - must be that Ice-T hairdo. Animal gains the advantage and turns to make a tag - but Hawk has apparently fallen asleep. Meanwhile there's been a tag to Henry and a big legdrop for 2. Commentators are now confused and spending more time talking about Hawk - apparently he received some disturbing news but we're not going to find out what it is. Animal still manages to put in a good showing, but the two usually win in a two on one. Finally, the Godfather is lifted for the Doomsday Device, but Hawk can't climb to the top without falling to the floor, so Godfather reverses and hits a Spicolli driver for the pin (3:49). So now there's a big problem with Hawk, which we'll hopefully learn a lot more about in the coming weeks. Apparently, just off camera, one of the lovely ladies gets groped bigtime by a front-row fan...now THAT'S entertainment! Shot of Sable getting her hair teased...later she'll tease US with a RAW bikini. Jerry Lawler brings out JACQUELINE (with Marvelous Marc Mero) and SABLE for the (ahem) big trophy presentation for last night's "bikini" contest. Just before presenting the big trophy, Lawler is handed a note "from the desk of Mr. Vince McMahon: Due to the fact that body paint does not constitute a bikini, Mr. McMahon has disqualified Sable from the bikini contest and is declaring Jacqueline the winner!" If you're going to split hairs, Jackie wore a one-piece, but I guess we're not going to split hairs. Sable's reply: "You know I don't need any stupid trophy to tell me that I won this contest. I think the fans spoke for themselves. I'm not surprised at all that this happened, in fact I rather expected it. I only wish that Mr. McMahon would have been man enough to come and tell me to my face." If you're thinking this will bring out VINCENT K., you're right. "Did you say MAN ENOUGH?" Vince is growling, faking kicks at the photographers, bullying Lawler out of the ring. "I've dealt with a lot of ingrates that I've made superstars before, but I never thought you'd be one of them. Marc Mero tricked you - you were no longer contractually here in the World Wrestling Federation. Who was the knight in shining armor? Me - Vince McMahon." Vince gets hit with a roll of toilet paper and not only takes it in stride, but in character. Vince tells Sable that people like her are "a dime a dozen" and he'd have no problem replacing her with any number of "bimbos and airheads." He makes it clear that she is in debt to him and he plans on "collecting," as he twirls her hair around his finger. Right around here is where my VCR stopped working, but it ends with Vince snarling, telling her not to be an "ungrateful bitch." In return, Sable flashed the double bird to Vince behind his back (sure, he'll NEVER see it on a replay) and displaying her RAW bikini, which didn't seem that RAW after last night, if you catch my drift. Shot of the Code Red set - anybody managed to pick this up yet? UNDERTAKER (still with both belts) & STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS for the WWF Tag Team Championship - Billy Gunn is wearing tights that look like they were stolen from Well Dunn - remember them? Stone Cold punts a beach ball from the crowd - those wacky SoCal crowds - I'm surprised they haven't left already to beat the traffic like they do at the Laker games. Gunn does a double bicep - so Austin starts to do a double bicep in return - but flips the double bird instead. There's some wrestling in this match, too, yeah. The Outlaws finally get their tag match formula heat segment when Billy chopblocks Undertaker while the ref is busy keeping Austin from protesting about Billy being in the ring illegaly. Fans continue to bat beach balls around, causing Jim Ross to remark that the fans are in a "festive" mood. Anyway, my VCR finally dies for the last time while the Outlaws are still working over the Undertaker, so I'm unable to accurately describe the ending, other than to tell you that somehow Austin gets tagged in, cleans house, stuns the Road Dog and gets the pin. (about eight minutes?) Then, although he STILL doesn't apologise, he throws a beer to the Undertaker (Coors Light? UGH!), who drinks it. And then Mankind and Kane come out to attack as we fade out. So I'm going to buy a new VCR, work through this depression, and be back next week, on time, and better than ever! Yeah! CRZ [slash] wrestling |
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