/3 August 1998
WWF RAW is WAR
This column is dedicated to Wayne Morgan, who did so much more than provide
25% of my DNA. Rest in peace, Grandpa.
Last week, wrestlemaniacs.com once again received mention in Hyatte's letter(s) of the week. I thank you for your support. Since it's been two weeks in a row, I feel obligated to once again return the favour and plug the Mop-ups at Scoops Central - go read it, if only to see what he sneaks in about Zimmerman and WrestleManiacs at the top of the column. Plus he's a damn funny guy, and most of all, IT ANNOYS AL!
And let me say one more time, it's okay to like both of us. I'm pretty sure Hyatte doesn't mind, and you damn well know I don't care.
And we're NOT the same guy, so stop asking. (Do people ask him this too?) You know, more than one guy can have the same first name - yeah, I'm talking to you using WebTV. Come on.
DISCLAIMER: I bought a new VCR. Now I'm not going to say that Sony VCR's break ALL the time, and Mitsubishi VCR's NEVER give me a problem, but if you were going to go brand shopping, ask me some time about critical VCR failure. "Word of mouth is the best advertising," my friends. The disclaimer is that this really isn't a disclaimer, just another pre-report paragraph.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
We're finally back to the "on the hour" start, by the way. Straight to the opening credits, closed captioned logo, TV-PG-V box.
It's RAW! 3.8.98 from the San Diego Sports Arena in San Diego, California, en espanol sea disponible. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide all commentary.
We start right out with an interview - you mean you saw that coming? Here's THE NATION. Last night on Sunday Night Heat, the Rock and Owen Hart defeated Kane & Mankind via countout to get a Tag Team Title Shot tonight against current cham-peens Austin & 'Taker. "The entire world is ready to see the People's Champ and Owen Hart take on the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin! Well, SCSA, dead man, the Rock knows you're back there listening, but why wait when we can get it done right here right now, SC, dead man, you bring your candy asses out here and the Rock and Owen Hart is gonna lay the smack down on you like you ain't never had the smack laid down before - bring it!" Nothing seems to be happening, maybe they're waiting for the psychic music guy to play some...no, here's COMISSIONER SLAUGHTER. The Rock keeps talking...demanding that the Champs either come out or call it a forfeit. Before Slaughter gets to speak, we hear glass...and out come STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN & THE UNDERTAKER - who rush the ring. The Nation quickly gets the upper hand on Austin, as Undertaker has turned around to see KANE standing at the top of the ramp. Hey, if they were in *cahoots*, that would also explain the major league beatdown Austin's getting at the hands of the Nation. Before Kane & Undertaker meet at the top, MANKIND is out to brawl with the 'Taker. Austin DOES manage a Stunner on Hart, but the Rock escapes. Austin grabs a chair and nobody suddenly feels like entering the ring for some more. Austin's music plays again for good measure. Lawler is quick to point out that the Undertaker isn't around.
Tonight, X-Pac and Triple H will fight for an Intercontinental title shot at SummerSlam.
MARVELOUS MARC MERO (with Jacqueline and a Big Ass trophy - oops, poor choice of words) v. GOLGA (with Sable and box of Cheesy Poofs) - Let Us Take You Back to last week where Jacqueline is announced the winner of the bikini contest via a disqualification, thus securing the trophy. "What do you think? Does she look marvelous?" Why, yes, she does. You read right, that's Sable with Golga. Ross asks what happened to the Jackyl and I have to wonder the same thing. "Marc, oh Marc, I brought a present for you, and Jacqueline, I've got a really big surprise for you too. In the past,, we may have been enemies, but now we have a mutual understanding...gentleman, if you will..." And a thousand strings fire up - and here's KURRGAN and GIANT SILVA, in tuxedos. Kurrgan sings "There She Is, Miss America." No, I am NOT making this up. Apparently, "Miss America" is PRINCESS LUNA TUNES, out in robe and bouquet. I guess Luna is the "enemy" Sable was referring to. That's nice of her to try to invoke continuity when we weren't looking - actually, more people should do that, so that's not sarcasm. Hey, if Golga wears a South Park shirt, does that make him a face? Come to think of it, if Sable is your valet, does that make you a face? If you think this is a good time for an ad break, why, you're right.
The SummerSlam Countdown is up to number FOUR!
Sable is at the commentary table. "Once you get to know them, they're really very very nice people...." Mero has his way with Golga until Golga decides to just absorb everything. Mero is unsuccessful in a slam attempt, but Golga isn't. Elbow drop for 2. Mero returns to the fists, kicks, elbows, and a lariat from the second rope does take down Golga. Sable says we shouldn't judge people by their outward appearances - a lesson for Mero, apparently. Jacqueline tries to trip up Golga, so Luna waffles her with the bouquet. Now a catfight is teased, which means that referee "Blind" Mike Ciota has to get between the ladies (you go, Mike) - this also means that Mero hits a Golotta, but it doesn't matter as Silva hits a GIANT chokeslam. Golga does his Earthquake impression with a butt drop and Mero is pinned (3:11). Some Insane Clown Posse is played - and ROSS pegs it. I didn't know he was aware when it came to music like that. Dammit, where's Jackyl? On the plus side, we get to see Kurrgan dance. You know, I have a sneaky suspicion that maybe, JUST MAYBE, Mr. McMahon has something to do with all this...
Shots of Scorpio and the Godfather - they're in the Brawl for All thing that's coming up later.
Oh boy! WWF wrestlers as ACTION Frogmen ACTION figures! ...the hell?
Local drop-in ad - Dok Hendrix reminds us that Monday Night RAW comes to the Shark Tank 14 September!
Acclaim's WWF War Zone ad.
Still to come - a Tag Team title match!
Let Us Take you back to Earlier Tonight - I just noticed Undertaker is STILL carrying both tag team belts. Ross and Lawler play up the "abandonment" of Austin by his partner.
GODFATHER (with three white ho's) v. SCORPIO (without the Funkettes) in a BRAWLforALL match - Godfather advances because Dan Severn is a quitter. Backstage, Severn lisps "A man of my thtature, I have nothing to prove - when I have a thcore to thettle, I will do it when my handth are not bound." Godfather gets the mic. "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse, either go three rounds with me or you can take three of my finest ho's and spend the night with them." Scorpio's an idiot so he turns down the free sex. Clips of Scorpio's previous match with 8-Ball. Actually, if I recall correctly, Godfather SHOULD have won his match with Severn, and I bitched about it. Ross whines about Dr. Death's dislocated knee from last week's match with Bart Gunn. Godfather wins the first round with the most (and best) punches. Did I mention that that one lady is wearing hot pants that are so hot that to use the term "wedgie" is unfair to wedgies everywhere? Am I more interested in looking at her ass than this BRAWLforALL match? Possibly. Ross says that Blackman may have hurt his knee training for HIS match and that if he can't compete, then Marc Mero will be reinstated. Hey, EVERYBODY gets a second chance. Scorpio tries for a takedown in the third round, but it's reversed and Godfather gets ANOTHER five. Since he can coast through the third round, he does. Easy win for the Godfather.
This just in, Dr. Death has been reinstated in the BRAWLforALL - he WILL be allowed to use a cane for support, but only if it looks like a barber pole. The previous sentence is not true.
Michael King Cole interviews the New Age Outlaws backstage - they can't wait to get their hands on Mankind & Kane to extract some revenge. That match is NEXT!
USA drop-in for the "60 Minutes" of Sunday Night Heat, followed by a "Pacific Blue" ad hyping the appearance of Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
Mead ***** and WWF: The Music, Volume 2 bring you RAW! 10-10-321 brings you the closed captioning - wait, if you *need* close captioning, when are YOU going to be using a phone?
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. MANKIND & KANE (with Paul Bearer) - how come if the Outlaws don't have the belts, I *still* have to listen to Jesse James run his mouth? The Outlaws attack Mankind on the outside while it's dark and Kane and Bearer aren't looking. It's Bart starting for the Outlaws. Not for long, tag to James. Here's the wobbly knees elbow drop. And now it's time for Mankind to turn the tides so the Road Dog can act as punching bag for the next five minutes. Lawler flubs his live commentary by making reference to something the Undertaker hasn't yet said in tonight's show. After Kane has had his way with the Dog, James manages to sneak in a tag. The Outlaws try a suplex on Kane, but Kane blocks and instead double suplexes the Outlaws. Tag to Mankind and out goes Gunn. Mankind takes a chair to James, Gunn takes a chair to Mankind, Kane takes care of Gunn with a lariat. Damn, this is pretty fast for these guys. Stri-Dex double feature is the double suplex, followed by the "human demolition derby." Back in the ring, Mankind has a sleeper on the Road Dog, who falls to break the hold. Tag to Kane. Hot tag to Gunn...Mankind's out. Doubleteam attempt works this time, suplex! Unfortunately, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is watching Mankind put a Mandible Claw on to notice Gunn is PINNING Kane. Gunn gets up to break up Mankind and his partner, and ends up going over the top with Mankind following. Oops, he left Jesse James behind. The tombstone is academic. 1, 2, 3. (5:18)
Let's watch Hawk in ... action ... in clips from last week. Now here's the LOD 2000 backstage. "I'd like to take this time to address the World Wrestling Federation fans as myself, Michael Hegstrand, 'cause that's who I really am, not as Hawk at this moment and apologise for my behaviour on last Monday Night RAW - I'd like to apologise to TitanSports, Vince McMahon, everybody in the WWF, all the fans, and especially my partner and hope that you'll be understanding and maybe find it your heart to forgive .... and uh, now I'm going to go out and DO THE HAWK THING!"
Included in this batch of commercials is another WWF War Zone ad. I make mention of it here because I SWEAT THE DETAILS!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Tedoublenedoublesdoublee Ldoublee) v. ROAD WARRIOR HAWK - Interview from Jarrett says he's going to "scare [him] straight, Double J style" tonight. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I don't know it. Hawk apparently has "demons." Now are those Jake Roberts demons, or Marty Jannetty demons? Jarrett takes control quickly but Hawk ducks a clothesline and delivers one of his own. Military press slam by Hawk. Clothesline and Jarrett's out. Back in, powerslam. Clothesline from the top rope. The Jarrett/Lee thing, first advanced last night on Sunday Night Heat (in the EXACT same way that tore the Roadie away from Jarrett, by the way), is brought up again tonight. Ross says that both men need a victory tonight. Jarrett does a lot of steel steps work with Hawk - back in, Jarrett calls for Lee's belt, but Lee seems to be having some problems getting it off. DDT by Jarrett. Again he goes for the belt, but Hawk is up and hitting a neckbreaker for the pin. (2:31) ANIMAL is out to congatulate his partner - while we tease problems with Lee and Jarrett, SOUTHERN JUSTICE (Mark Cantebury & Dennis Knight, nee Henry and Phineas Godwinn) are out to beat up the LOD. And here's DARREN DROZDOV to keep Jarrett from making it an unfair fight. I need a scorecard...
Stri-Dex and Hunter Hearst Helmsley - why of COURSE they go together!
One more Hunter Hearst Helmsley on "Pacific Blue" ad - he's all OVER the tube tonight...
Whew, I was going through withdrawl - here's VINCENT K. along with his Three Wise Men. As he walks to the ring, we change shows. By the way, let me say this about son Shane's commentary: WOW! How do your ears feel viewers? "Well the Highway to Hell winds up at SummerSlam on August 30 and the way I see it, we have the Undertaker on one highway, Stone Cold on a parallel highway, and that highway to hell intersects at SummerSlam but I would suggest to you tonight there's likely to be a roadblock in the highway to hell because I'm predicting that here tonight you'll see history made when the Undertaker and Stone Cold LOSE the Championship. We'll crown new winners - winners that know all about unity, all about family, Nation members Owen Hart and the Rock. Just to prove my point, what about the coincidence of last week on RAW, huh? ("Austin" chant) Would you mind showing a little respect? The coincidence on RAW last week - oh yeah, there we had the Undertaker in the ring, Stone Cold on the outside celebrating a tag team championship victory when Stone Cold throws the Undertaker a cold one. [Clips from last week] Good catch, by the way. And as the Undertaker wondered whether or not he should accept that beer from Austin, symbolising perhaps an apology, Undertaker popped the top and threw back that cold beer, oh yeah, go ahead and applaud, 'casue you haven't figured it out, and neither has Stone Cold 'cause when the Undertaker drank [TV-PG-V box] Stone Cold's beer, he knew at the very same time that Kane was about to obliterate Stone Cold. Don't believe me, huh? What about then the coincidence earlier here tonight that took place right here? What about that coincidence? Austin is blasting out coming down the ramp, behind him's the Undertaker, Austin dives into the ring, left all by himself to fend for himself against an entire Nation while the Undertaker was "distracted" by his brother Kane - WOW! What a coincidence. I would like for the Undertaker to come out here and try to disprove this conspiracy theory, I would like for him to come out here right now and offer you and everyone else a viable explanation... I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT, DAMMIT!" The lights dim and Undertaker's new theme plays - and here *is* THE UNDERTAKER, walking just a little less slow to the ring. As Vince says "you just proved my point," the glass breaks and here comes STEVE AUSTIN again. Austin reminds us that he doesn't trust anybody. And he doesn't care about the tag belts - "this" is the only belt he gives a damn about. Austin's music plays again. As he walks away, having seemingly declined to defend the tag team titles, Undertaker pipes up. "Austin... AUSTIN! Hey! I'm talking to you *boy.* Why don't you shut up and listen for a minute? You're doing exactly what he wants you to do. Can't you see he's trying to drive a wedge between us? He doesn't want us to be champions! So, just like I came to you, face-to-face, like a man, and asked for my shot at the World Wrestling Federation title, I want you to be a man, come back in this ring, and take what is yours. Hey! Ah said, come take what is yours!" Austin DOES walk back, and takes a tag belt. He leaves the ring but never turns his back as he leaves the ring. "And Austin, there's just one more thing. Whether you like it or not, between now and SummerSlam you are the SAFEST s.o.b. in the World Wrestling Federation! But when we get to SummerSlam, I'm gonna take what's rightfully mine - the World Wrestling Federation title." And UT's music plays...
Backstage, the Rock lays the smack down and then Owen says "that's right" and also "nugget."
Sable says "WWF Sunday Night Heat" - I think. Poor girl, somebody left a mister on near her and now she's all sparkly and her flesh reflects light.
Stri-Dex Triple Action features scenes from last week's Triple Threat match. Why, yes, we DO get to hear Jim Ross say "Who's Your Daddy X-Pac" again.
HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY & X-PAC (with Chyna) v. EACH OTHER - the two combatants enter together. Let's see some clips from "Pacific Blue" where Triple H will appear this Sunday, immediately following Sunday Night Heat. Helmsley with the beginning near fall after a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. To the corner, Helmsley punches away. Half hour suplex and a kneedrop for 2. Whip HARD into the corner - only X-Pac can make a whip look like death. Clothesline, no duck, spinning heel kick by X-Pac for 2. Lightning leg drop for 2. Helmsley's head meets the turnbuckle. Chop (woooo!). 'nother chop (woooo!). Kick to the head by the Kid. Off the ropes, clothesline attempt is ducked, high knee by Triple H for 2. Whip, reverse, duck, neckbreaker by Helmsley for 2. X-Pac punches and chops back - whip to the corner, X-Pac straddles the top after Helmsley steps aside. 1, 2, no. Helmsley, no reversal. X-Pac's chin meets Helmsley's knee - spinning heel kick by X-Pac for 2. X-Pac with the martial arts, into the corner, another kick. Step on the neck. Bronco buster? No, Chyna grabs X-Pac's ankle and drops him. X-Pac turns to face her - now she LEVELS him with a right cross. Helmsley with a kick to the gut - a pedigree - and a pin. (5:09) So Chyna was definitely the difference maker. And now they're standing nose the nose - X-Pac shoves Triple H. The question is: did Chyna act on her own or did she have Hunter's blessing? Well, I guess we won't find out this week. Replays show Chyna's interference and Helmsley's pedigree. We don't see who leaves with whom, instead we fade to an ad break. Maybe we'll get a "During the Break" clip when we come back?
No, we don't.
SummerSlam is brought to you by Stri-Dex! Or as I like to call 'em, Zit-Wipes!
VAL VENIS & TAKA MICHINOKU v. TOGO & FUNKAI (with Teoh & Yamaguchi-San & an unhappy Mrs. Yamaguchi) - Let Us Take You Back to Clips of Venis making it Mrs. Yamaguchi - clearly the actions of a fan favourite. "Ladies, if you're a fan of the San Diego Chargers, I got the lightning bolt to charge..." well, I didn't hear it and I doubt it matters. Let Us Take You Back to last week where Yamaguchi cuts the sausage and says "choppy choppy your pee pee." On second thought, let's just forget the whole thing. Ross says hi to the fans on TSN - I figured they'd have censored this match by now. Venis makes the hip thrust motion to Mrs. Yamaguchi, and she smiles which makes Yamaguchi-San mad. Oh, there's some wrestling in here to, but I can't be bothered to mention it. You know why? Just when you think there aren't enough angles happening here, Taka dropkicks Val Venis, Kaientai and Taka quad-team Venis and now we learn that - and remember, the most outrageous stuff is the stuff I CAN'T make up - Mrs. Yamaguchi is Taka's *sister*. Fat looking senton bomb, all five of the Japanese contingent due the Rude swivel-hip in a circle jerk around Venis, and they drag off Val - presumably to choppy-choppy his peepee. (No contest - about 2:00)
Another ad for STOMP 2 WWF Action figures - it STILL looks oddly out of place, especially after the last match...
You see, Mrs. Yamaguchi is Taka Michinoku's sister.
Boy, that sure explains why Kaientai was so mad at Taka a few months ago, doesn't it?
I guess now that Taka's chummin' with the heels, he can still be friends with Bradshaw?
Monday Night RAW comes to the San Jose Arena LIVE 14 September! Everybody email the WWF and tell them I DESERVE a press pass! I've EARNED legitimacy! I've...ah, we'll never be able to snow them like that...
Backstage, Kaientai continue to drag Val by his Valbowski (ok, not really), while Mrs. Yamaguchi looks concerned. Mrs. Yamaguchi, we've just learned, is Taka's sister.
D'LO BROWN v. DAN SEVERN for the European Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, where Brown manages to get himself DQ'd to prevent Ken Shamrock from winning the title. Brown runs down the crowd - "most of you aren't even card-carrying Americans" - and announces that he's wrestling tonight under protest. Let Us Take you back about two months to show when Brown's pectoral muscle was damaged, forcing him to wear that chest protector we've heard so much about. Here's MARK HENRY shortly after the match starts, for no *really* good reason...I'm sure he'll let us know later. It's all Brown at the start - here's STEVE BLACKMAN out to provide a little backup for Severn. You know, we keep seeing run-ins I won't have to describe ANY of the wrestling moves. Brown: "YOU did this to me!" Brown continues to dominate the match, gaining some measure of revenge for hits earlier injury. Severn manages a double-leg (suspiciously looking like a spear). "Throw" by Severn. Suplex by Severn. Here's KEN SHAMROCK come out to make sure Severn doesn't get HIS fair shot either. Shamrock takes out Brown AND Henry, and before Blackman can stop him this match is over (DQ 2:30) Blackman again keeps the other two apart. At the top of the ramp, because we apparently haven't used everybody in the locker room tonight, EDGE gets Brown from behind, then walks out through the crowd.
Kaientai continues to put the boots to Venis, and Mrs. Yamaguchi (who, in a startling turn of events, is really Taka Michinoku's SISTER!) continues to look forlorn.
One more Hunter Hearst Helmsley on "Pacific" Blue ad - this is ALMOST as annoying as seeing Travis Tritt's ugly mug fifteen times during Nitro.
"Highway to Hell" - 4 weeks until SummerSlam!
TIGER ALI-SINGH comes to the ring and puts down us lazy 'Muricans. Last night before Sunday Night Heat, he paid a woman to get on her hands and knees and eat dog food. He offers to pay an American woman $500 to remove pieces of clothing. Rather than find a woman we really WANT to see removing clothing, we find a ... rather hefty lady. She gets down to a bra and boxers before Tiger decides to change it to $500 for every piece of clothing she puts on. The lesson for us all to learn is that Americans will do everything for money, unlike his people - wait, WHAT are his people again? I thought he was a Canadian...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Yamaguchi's got his samurai sword, and threatens the cameraman until he's behind a closed door. Oh no! Can they really be...dragging this out until the end of the show? By the way, Taka's there because it turns out that Mrs. Yamaguchi IS HIS SISTER.
THE ROCK & OWEN HART v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN & THE UNDERTAKER for the Tag Team Championship - Ross says we've got no more commercials - well, gee whiz, it IS ten minutes to the hour. Code Red will feature the lady Tiger paid to strip, then unstrip. Anybody watched Code Red yet? Of course, the champs have separate entrances - which means this is the FOURTH time I've heard breaking glass tonight. All four men brawl to start the match and quickly the Rock and Austin are outside and the Undertaker is manhandling Hart in the ring. Big headbutt. Shoulderblock, 2, time to do that tightrope walkin' thing, and a shot for the Rock for good measure. Hart walks over to Austin and eats a punch. Tag to Austin, who probably hasn't forgotten that Hart broke his neck. Hart comes back with a spinning heel kick. Hart throws everything at Austin but it doesn't work. Rake of the face to get the Rock tagged in, but he doesn't do much better against Austin. Austin actually executes a WRESTLING MOVE! Snapmare and elbow drop. Suplex for 2. Tag to the Undertaker. Kick. Karate chop to the throat. Rock's head meets the buckle. Rock rakes the face and puts on a headlock. Undertaker turns it into a back suplex. "Dynamic" leg drop for 2 (Owen makes the save). Undertaker takes the Rock's head to the top turnbuckle and continues to punch. Whip into the ropes - chokeslam? No, Owen is in to clip Undertaker's knee. Illegal tag and Owen continues to bend the leg the wrong way. Tag, make a wish. The Rock with a series of rights. Whip into the corner, tag - The Rock is whipped into the Undertaker but he gets a clothesline. Owen still manages a spinning heel kick for 2. Undertaker fires back and manages to tag Austin. Austin stomps a mudhole in Owen. To an opposite corner, more punching, more kicking. Sharpshooter?!? But the Rock is in to make sure Hart doesn't lose to his own finisher. The Rock with a double bird of his own. Tag to the Rock - Austin ducks a clothesline - Thesz press. Punches in bunches. The Rock with a back elbow and Austin falls. To Owen's boot. Now a tag to Owen - whip into the ropes, sleeper is on. The Rock is bleeding from the mouth/nose. "Austin" chant is rolling. Arm falls once - arm falls twice - I'm guessing arm won't fall a third time. There's a bird, in fact. Austin comes back until Owen's trick knee acts up and hits Austin in a sensitive area. Owen tries to set up a Sharpshooter but Austin powers out. Tag to the Rock, who blatantly hits un foul but referee Tim White is busy trying to keep the Undertaker from entering the ring. Chinlock until Austin power out. Rock Bottom? No, elbow by Austin. Big rights as Austin Hulks up. Double clothesline! Both men down. Undertaker reaches for a tag but nobody's moving. Count is up to 7. Tag to Owen - hot tag to Undertaker. Undertaker is a house a fire! Big boot to Rocky's face! Chokeslam for Owen! 1, 2, Rock saves. Austin is in and now Austin and Rocky are out. Meanwhile, Owen is in the Tombstone. 1, 2, 3 Here's MANKIND with the Mandible claw on the Undertaker - here's KANE with a chair - he hits the Undertaker! But was he aiming for Mankind? Undertaker takes the chair and looks at Kane - then his Mankind again. Here's the NEW AGE OUTLAWS for no good reason. Stunner on the Road Dog!
For those of you keeping score, Jim Ross does NOT say "Who's your daddy?" this week. He DID identify Insane Clown Posse, though, so he's still cool with good ol' CRZ.
Let's quickly go backstage where a cabal of security guards is knocking down the door. We see Venis, pixelated where his bare ass might be, as if his shorts are dropped and something is on the big wooden chopping block - his hands are bound and secured to the ceiling. Taka holds back his sister...Yamaguchi has the samurai sword high in the air...the picture fades to black...we hear a scream...a whack...another scream...
Whoops, it's 11:05. See you next week!
By the way, Mrs. Yamaguchi is TAKA'S SISTER.