/21 September 1998
WWF RAW is WAR
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
From the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA (Home of the Sacramento Kings - Slogan: "We're Still in the NBA!") it's WWF RAW! Shown 21.9.98 but taped 15.9.98 and rated TV-PG-V and closed captioned and probably en espanol sea disponible. Your hosts are Shane McMahon and James E. Cornette, who provide all commentary - I miss JR and the King already.
We pick up action with THE ROCK making his way to the ring; a ring already containing KEN SHAMROCK, MANKIND, and VINCENT K. - yes, it's the show-opening McMahon interview! "All right, let me just say this - Stone Cold Steve Austin - Austin, if you are contemplating rushing this ring and savagely attacking me, Vince McMahon, you better think again!" As KANE & THE UNDERTAKER appear at the entryway. "Thank you very much. All right gentlemen, let's get down to the business at hand, and why I've asked you to join me here in this ring. Everyone knows that this Sunday on Pay-per-view in the Triple Threat match for the WWF Championship that I have GUARANTEED that Stone Cold Steve Austin will no longer be the WWF Champion. And if you three gentlemen will listen for a moment, I'm about to guarantee all three of you an opportunity of a lifetime. But before I do, I would like to also further state that I've ordered Austin, just to give you some idea as to what's gonna happen this Sunday when Austin faces Undertaker and Kane, Austin I know you can here me, let's give these fans a treat. Austin, you and some other volunteer who wants to join you in this ring tonight will have to face the most devastating duo in WWF history, the Undertaker and Kane here tonight. Now gentlemen, I've asked you all three to come before us tonight that neither one of the three of you volunteer to be Stone Cold's partner. Now, I know you've been there before, I know. I'm not asking for any favours because I don't ask for favours - I'm giving you the opportunity of a lifetime and I do that real well, I give opportunity. And what's the opportunity? That's real simple. Why should you settle for anything less than what Kane and Undertaker want? What they want is the WWF Championship! Why should you be allies against a common enemy when in fact all three of you should have a common goal, no less lofty than their goal as well. I would be proud if one of the three of you became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And I can guarantee you that opportunity, just like I can guarantee that Austin, after this Sunday, will no longer be World Wrestling Federation Champion. All I'm asking, that here tonight you don't volunteer to be Austin's partner, you take care of your own business - to hell with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Ken Shamrock, as WWF Champion - you came that close, Kenny. Rock, not just the People's Champion, the WWF Champion - has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Mick - you can taste it. So Rock, if you smell what Vince McMahon is cooking, you'll listen up, 'cause you damn sure don't want THIS smack down. Shamrock, you may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, as far as I'm concerned, but you're damn sure the most dangerous. Mankind, Mick - never mind. What I'm saying is tonight, the opportunity is for one of you to be the #1 Contender. All you have to do is compete in this ring in a Triple Threat match - just like we're going to have this Sunday - and the winner of the Triple Threat match will face the NEW WWF Champion in this very ring one week from tonight. Think about it. I'll even volunteer to be the Guest Ring Announcer, one week from tonight, when one of you steps into the ring to face the new WWF Champion. All I can say is, whomever it is you'll be facing, one week from tonight, damn sure won't be Stone Cold. Thank you very much." Vince's theme (which sounds JUST like the Undertaker's theme) plays and McMahon leaves the three in the ring, turning to make the "I want the belt" hand motion to those three.
WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.
The WWF Rewind, brought to you by Pennzoil's The Outlaw additives, is Jeff Jarrett's wicked-like guitar shot to the Road Dog's larynx.
BILLY GUNN (with Jesse James and X-Pac) v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Southern Justice) - James has helpfully provided cue cards after Gunn flubbed the official New Age Outlaws intro last night on Heat. Jarrett has replaced the word PISS with the word P*** which must be a thing to keep those Canadians happy. Referee "Fighting Irish" Tim White sends all the extraneous seconds to ringside, leaving just Gunn and Jarrett. Gunn immediately throws some rights to take control. Back in the ring, Jarrett stomps away to turn the tide. Quick series of moves and counters ends with a big clothesline by Gunn for 2. At Breakdown this Sunday, a big six-man between the Outlaws and X-Pac against Jarrett and Southern Justice. Jarrett in control with a lot of head shots. Whip, duck, Gunn presses Jarrett, holds him, then slams him to the mat. Anybody seen Billy's brother lately? Gunn with the ten punch count-along, with a crotch chop between 9 and 10. Stri-Dex brings us the double feature of the press slam. Jarrett manages to drop Gunn's throat on the top rope. Jarrett with a crossbody from the top rope, but Gunn rolls through to get a 2 count. Clothesline for 2 by Jarrett. Clothesline ducked, Gunn with a crossbody but Jarrett ducks. Gunn is outside. Jarrett with a baseball slide. JR and the King are taking part in the filming of Jim Carrey's "Man in the Moon" - the Andy Kaufman story, yeah! Jarrett is having his way with Gunn on the outside. Gunn introduced to many different STEEL objects outside. Whip, reverse, Jarrett's head hits the post. Back in the ring, Jarrett with a catapult into the bottom rope. Tonight, the Women's Championship decided! Into the corner, Gunn ducks and Jarrett goes in hard. He climbs to the top, though, and hits an axehandle to Gunn's back. Side Russian legsweep by Jarrett. 1, 2, nope. Into the corner, Gunn puts up an elbow. Whip into the ropes, reverse, piledriver attempt, no, Jarrett with the back body drop. Both men down, both men up at 4. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine by Gunn. Rocker dropper by Gunn! Jarrett thrown to the corner, Gunn kicks away, now punches. Whip into the opposite corner - Gunn lunges, but nobody's there and he hits the post. White gets hit in the eyes, so Jarrett brings in the guitar - whoops, White wasn't blind in BOTH eyes, so he grabs the guitar. Jarrett turns to White, which allows Gunn to sneak up from behind, hit the neckbreaker, and get the pin. (7:30)
Tonight, Sable vs. Jacqueline for the Women's Title, a Triple Threat match between the Rock, Shamrock, and Mankindrock. And, Stone Cold and ? against the Fun Brothers.
MICHAEL KING COLE tracks down McMahon, who appears to be meeting with the other two bookers (Vince Russo and I forget his name - THAT shot was for the smarts!). Cole wants to know who the volunteer could be, and Vince says he has no idea. But, even if Austin can't find a partner, he WILL wrestle tonight.
Stri-Dex presents WWF BREAK DOWN IN YOUR HOUSE!
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is making an appearance (at 25 minutes past the hour? That's like 90 minutes early for him!) Cornette says it's confirmed, all three men have agreed to fight in the Triple Threat match tonight. So who's left to be the volunteer? Austin calls Undertaker "big dead bastard" which I guess is funny. Austin says McMahon's stipulations are "bull(bleep)" while Cornette tries to make President jokes. Austin says he doesn't care that no one wants to volunteer, he'll come out and take 'em both on anyway. Austin says not to expect Austin 3:16 Sunday, but to expect Austin 666. He's our role model!
DXT shirt ad.
Stri-Dex and Triple H. Give it some juice!
"Earlier tonight" clip shows everybody giving Undertaker & Kane lots of room as they enter the arena.
HEAD BANGERS v. ODDITIES - Mosh & Thrasher have Silly String and party down to "Freakshow" with the Oddities. Next thing you know, they have *mace*, cleverly disguised as silly string. After macing Giant Silva and Kurrgan, the 'Bangers demolish Golga and toss Luna out of the ring. Then they destroy the Cartman doll. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. At least, I think we do. In the WWF, this *could* be considered a face turn. (no contest)
Michael King Cole interviews Kane & Undertaker - prepare the funeral arrangements, Austin.
WWF RAW is brought to you by WWF: The Music (Volume 2)!
(THE LOVELY) SABLE v. JACQUELINE (with Marvy Marc Mero) - Cornette actually says the name "Alundra Blayze" just to make me happy. As Sable enters the ring, we see a shot of the woman everyone's identifying as TERRI POWERS except the commentators - just to set us up for weeks down the road, wink wink. Let Us Take You Back to the War Zone last week, where Sable gave the powerbomb to Jacqueline and won the Evening Gown match. I think also this was the only shot that didn't have Jackie's bare breasts in it. By the way, Shane's commentary is ... interesting. To the corner, Sable with the savat kicks that she's famous for. Sable turns to Mero so Jackie hits her from behind. Jackie with some kicks of her own, and headbutts to the abdomen. Field goal kick by Jackie. Another kick. Sable crawling around makes me feel funny. DDT by Jacqueline! WOW! 1, 2, kickout?!? Jacqueline chokes Sable on the middle rope, then steps aside and distracts referee "Blind" Mike Chioda so Mero can also choke Sable on that rope. Jackie tries the Bossman straddle and only finds the rope. Weak spear-like manoeuvre and Sable is banging Jackie's head into the mat. Back bodydrop by Sable, followed up with a couple clotheslines. Sable with the hairthrow. Mero is up on the apron, so Sable decks him for good measure. Mero helps Jacqueline up on the apron. Sable goes to suplex her in, so Mero holds Sable's ankles - Jacqueline comes down and stays there for 3. (2:51) Cole interviews 'em: "She's a BAAAAAAAADD woman! We're going to Disneyland!" Sable is furious. Say, what's the deal with Sable and Mr. McMahon anyway?
Another WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.
UNDERTAKER & KANE v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - as Austin enters, we see the closing credits for RAW nine minutes early, with a shot of the Three Musketeers sharing a sofa - they're a little "close," if you catch my drift. Just before the match starts, the DX theme fires up and out comes BILLY GUNN, who is apparently the volunteer, much to the chagrin of McMahon, who had though he'd locked up everybody available. Of course, Patterson and Brisco bear the brunt of the ensuing tongue lashing (hey Hyatte). All four men start, Kane with Gunn and they're both outside. We watch Undertaker and Austin, with Undertaker cleaning house. Crowd chants "Austin" really loud. Austin comes back, but Undertaker ducks a clothesline and hits an INCREDIBLY high flying clothesline. Now Austin ducks a clothesline and there's a Thesz press. There's two birds for ya, and a dropped elbow. Tag to Gunn, who quickly proves that he's been watching his tag team partner long enough to know how to play Face in Peril. Gunn comes back, though, and even hits the Rocker Dropper again for 2. Tag to Austin. Kick, arm wringer, reverse, clothesline by the Pale Destroyer. Tag to Kane. Kick to an exposed abdomnial region. Big right, Austin goes down, Austin gets up, repeat. Head to the turnbuckle. Austin kicks back and then punches. Whip into the opposite corner, reverse, Austin comes out with a Lariat. Bossman straddle. 1, 2, no. Tag to Gunn, kick to the side. Kane catches Gunn for a chokeslam attempt but Gunn kicks Kane in the thigh to charleyhorse him and he gets dropped. Gunn turns to Undertaker, and ends up getting clotheslined out of the ring. Doubleteam on the outside, now back in. Slam by Kane. Elbowdrop. Tag to 'Taker. Cornette wonders if there will be jealousy when one wins the belt and the other doesn't Sunday. Blatant choke by Undertaker. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. To the rope, whip, Undertaker ducks, Gunn kicks, Undertaker clotheslines. Undertaker gives Austin a shot as well, causing him to distract the referee so the doubleteam can be on again. Kane with suplex - no Gunn slides down, but runs into a big boot. 1, 2, Austin makes the save. Tag to Undertaker. Forearms to the back, headbutt, big choke, tag, choke with the boot. Gunn must be tired. Short clothesline by Kane! Kane's climbing the ropes - Gunn is up slowly but doesn't know where he is. Flying clothesline off the top. 1, 2, Austin makes the save. Birdies from Austin. Gunn with a brief flurry, but Gunn whips him into the corner, elbow from Kane as he comes out. Double clothesline and both men are down. About time for that house on fire tag. Austin is fists a-flyin'. Undertaker comes in but evades a Stunner attempt. Kane is not so lucky, and DOES get a Stunner. Undertaker makes the save, and now Gunn is in. Kane is clotheslined out of the ring and Austin follows. Undertaker threw Gunn into the corner, where unfortunately referee "Blind" Earl Hebner was standing, so he's briefly out. This means that while Kane and Austin fight on the outside, Undertaker chokeslams Gunn - Hebner's forgotten that Gunn is not the legal man and counts the pinfall (8:37) Austin grabs a STEEL chair and knocks the skulls of the Fun Brothers to get the moral victory anyway.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, in case you missed Undertaker & Kane winning the match, albeit through devious means. Then Austin gets the Chair and plonks 'em. Undertaker looks pretty pissed - his eyeballs have rolled in the back of his head, even!
DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (with Paul Ellering and Those Beautiful Titan Bikes) v. SOUTHERN JUSTICE - Cantebury and 8-Ball start - Cantebury with knees and punches, and forearms - this is "smash mouth." Swinging neckbreaker by 8-Ball - legdrop for 2. To the corner and he's still on him. Whip, reverse, lariat. Kneedrop, tag to Knight. Elbow by 8-Ball, tag to Skull. Eyepoke by Knight, right hand, to the corner, head to the gut, jawbreaker - there's hope for this match! Kneedrop across the throat for 2. Whip into the ropes, duck, Skull with a clothesline. Tonight X-Pac gets a European title shot. Sidewalk slam by Skull for 2. Cantebury makes the save, so 8-Ball is in. Now we've got two men outside, and while referee "Blind" Mike Chioda watches the brawl outside, Ellering trips up Knight so 8-Ball can pound away with impunity. All of a sudden JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out, and that guitar found it's way through the head of Paul Ellering! Apparently, (no contest, 3:00ish).
Michael King Cole interviews Mr. McMahon, who isn't surprised that somebody volunteered, but vows that as Undertaker and Kane are angered, he can't be held responsible for anything they might do tonight.
Steven Regal - he's a REAL MAN'S MAN - shaves with a REAL razorblade! In the forest!
AL SNOW (with Head) v. SERGEANT SLAUGHTER in a Boot Camp match - last night on Heat, Commissioner Slaughter challenged Al to a Boot Camp match, if Snow wins he's reinstated, if Slaughter wins, Snow is out of here. Snow steals the mic. "Gonna ask some questions. What does everybody like? What does everybody need? What does everybody love?" The answer, friends, is "head." Slaughter waffles Snow with his helmet from behind. They brawl on the outside for a bit, and Slaughter throws him back in. Belt is off and it's whuppin' time. Clothesline with the belt punctuates the beating. Slaughter puts his head down, though, and eats some kicks. Catapult to the ringpost! Al grabs the belt and delivers a whuppin' of his own. Slaughter goes outside, but Snow follows. Snow pulls up Slaughter's shirt and belts him right in the back. Big right. Snow has the chair but Slaughter ducks and Snow hits the post with it instead. Slaughter regains control and unleashes a - WEAK - chair shot. Pin attempt on the outside? 1, 2, kickout. Whip, reverse, Sarge hits the barricade. Chair to the gut. Snow sets up the chair, then he sets up Slaughter on the barricade. Arabian leg lariat? Okay, why not. Snow climbs the barricade - moonsault! 1, 2, Sarge pushes Snow off. Snow whips Slaughter back into the ring and gets the chair. Snow climbs the ropes - moonsault on the chair but Slaughter has already rolled away. COBRA CLUTCH! Snow is fading but the crowd is chanting "Head." Snow takes Slaughter to the corner and Slaughter's head hits the turnbuckle. The head os apparently talking to him now - cobra clutch is back on, but Snow is holding the Head - Snow swings the head and finds Sarge's tender, private area. Both men down. Now Slaughter is unlacing his boot. Snow ducks a boot shot and kicks Slaughter in the balls again. Snow grabs the boot - but puts it down and grabs Head - decks Slaughter with Head - and gets the pin (6:21). Snow has some music all ready, but before he can celebrate, JERRY BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON are out to put the fists and loafers to Snow. The save is made by SCORPIO. Hey, when *Scorpio* is saving you, what kind of jobber are *you* destined to become?
We see a shot of a reclining Val Venis. Oh boy, we'll see him next!
Michael King Cole interviews the Rock - Vince McMahon is NOT dictating to him, but he's gonna do it for the title shot. He'll have no problems with Mankind OR Ken Shamrock.
VAL VENIS v. WHINY BITCH OWEN HART - DUSTIN RUNNELLS has joined the commentators at the table. He knows that Venis will burn in hell (but at least the fans cheer him). "Hello, ladies! You know something, some men like their cigars dipped in a little brandy. But you know something, the President, like myself, like our cigars dipped in a little French liquer - you know, la whiskey." That's just too adult for me to get. (No, don't email me, I really *do* get it. Well, I'm not getting it right now, but that's another matter entirely.) Lockup, headlock by Owen, to the ropes, power off, shoulderblock by Hart, leapfrog sequence, drop toehold by Venis, to the corner we go, back'n'forth, enziguiri misses, Venis with a punch, whip, reverse, powerslam by Hart - of course, we're busy talking to Runnels and listening to "nugget" chants. Hard whip into the corner by Hart. Whip, reverse, Hart catches the leapfrog attempt and hits the atomic drop. Lariat by Hart. Backbreaker. Man, this is fast. Head to the turnbuckle, Hart climbs to the second rope and punches away. Dustin says "We're sitting in hell right now" - right Dustin, hell is where they ignore a great match like this. Hart is punching away some more, and Dustin has rushed the ring. (DQ 2:33) - Dustin gets some shots in but Venis quickly comes back, and ties him in the ropes. By the way, Dustin and Venis will fight on Sunday. Venis punches Runnells and tells him to "turn the other cheek!" "Dustin, Dustin, Dustin. You've stuck your nose in my business, and last week, you paid the price, all the while, your wife reaped the benefit. And you know something Dustin? Every single solitary day this last week, I actually felt a little sympathy in my heart for you, but then you go and pull a stupid stunt like this. Dustin, have you ever witnessed your wife [groan] experiencing real orgasmic pleasures?" Dustin is yelling "straighttohell!" while this is going on. "Well, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled 'Something About Terri.'" Terri says she WAS considering a reconciliation but she changed her mind, then we see Venis emerge from under the covers - darnit, he DIDN'T find that kittykat down there. "And Dustin, just to let you know, I never did find that kittykat, oh, but oh man, your wife's vittles, [inhale], [groan], were so tender." And Venis leaves Runnells to cry. Man, I hope Dustin KICKS HIS ASS on Sunday!
We see X-Pac doing some push-ups. The European Title match is NEXT!
D'LO BROWN v. X-PAC for the WWF European Championship - this week D'Lo is from Madrid, Spain. X-Pac first with punches and a spinning heel kick. D'Lo with a shoulderblock. Move/countermove sequence ends with a big powerslam from Brown for 2. Punch to the head. Punches aplenty by Brown. Another bodyslam. Legdrop with style points. Brown climbs the ropes and "You Better Recognize." Back to the canvas, another punch. Whip into the rope, clothesline that decapitates X-Pac. 1, 2, no. To the corner, more punches, whip out, X-Pac lands hard. Splash misses, now X-Pac is punching away, spinning heel kick, broncobuster misses in the opposite corner. Brown with a clothesline. 1, 2, kickout. Bodyslam. Second rope elbow drop for 2. Maybe he should use the CHEST PROTECTOR. :) "D'Lo sucks" chant, go figure. Dueling punches and Brown wins with the eyepoke. "I do not suck!" Bodyslam by Brown and he's climbing the ropes again. Springboard moonsault (!) misses. Both men up at 5. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine by X-Pac, followed by another spinning heel kick, clothesline, no duck, flying forearm by X-Pac. Brown retreats to the corner, so here's the bronco buster. Whip, reverse, boot up by X-Pac. Brown counters with the Sky-hi! But he is slow to cover.... 1...2.. no! Brown climbs the ropes but X-Pac is up. Brown's dive is turned into a faceslam - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion! (5:17) Brown looks suitably surprised, and Shane does crotch chops when X-Pac climbs the commentary table to celebrate.
Coming up next, the big Triple Threat match - we see split screens of all three men.
WWF Break Down (In Your House) is SUNDAY!
During the Break, Michael King Cole talked to Mankind, who is weird and hilarious and I'm too lazy to share it with you. It loses something in transcription, trust me.
MANKIND v. KEN SHAMROCK v. THE ROCK in a Triple Threat Match - Shamrock, from Lodi, California, is the hometown favourite - I feel like I should mention that, mostly because the commentators don't. Of course, THESE commentators miss an awful damn lot of stuff - not that it'll mean anything ten thousand years from now. Rock and Shamrock start off while Mankind watches in a corner. Mankind attacks Shamrock from behind, and now there's a bit of teamwork there. Double whip, double clothesline. Then Mankind turns on Rocky, including some munching. Clothesline over the rope. Shamrock baseball slides into Mankind. Then Shamrock takes turns slamming guys into the commentary table. Shamrock and Mankind brawl on the outside. Mankind meets the STEEL steps. The Rock walks over and takes some Shamrock shots as well. Shamrock and Mankind back in the ring, and Mankind is back on O. Repeated elbows to the jaw by Mankind. Knee to the face in the corner. Mankind points to the Rock, who is sitting outside the ring in a comfy chair. Choke of Shamrock. Belly-to-back suplex by Shamrock. With both men down, the Rock comes back in the ring. Kick to Shamrock, kick to Mankind. Kick to Shamrock - is the crowd cheering him? Mankind in the corner and Rock's laying the smack down, so they say. Shamrock comes in from behind to take control. Reversal, and elbow to the mush finds the mark. Bodyslam. Time for the People's Elbow! Loud cheers. Shamrock thrown over the top rope. Mankind tries to punch but it's blocked. Punches in bunches, whip, Mankind ducks, kick to the gut, double-underhook DDT for 2. Mankind pulls out his own hair for kicks. Elbowdrop on the Rock. Shamrock still outside. Big punches from Mankind (did I mention the Dude Love shirt under his corporate shirt and tie?). TO the corner, Rock steps aside and Mankind hits the corner hard, then goes outside. Whip, reversal, Shamrock grabs the ankle and pulls Maivia outside. Big brawl on the outside. Shamrock hits the commentary table twice. Whip, reversal, Rock hits the barricade and then eats a lariat coming back. Shamrock tries to get in the ring, and Mankind takes control. Body scissors by Mankind? Mandible claw gets nowhere near Shamrock, Shamrock turns it around and punches away. Sleeper by Shamrock - Mankind's scar tissue is bleeding nicely. Rock is in - double sleeper! This means it's time for the DOUBLE JAWBREAKER COUNTER! Yeah! Time to ruin the match as VINCENT K., KANE, and UNDERTAKER are out. Mankind has the Mandible claw on Rocky! Shamrock breaks it up. Belly-to-belly on Mankind! Ankle lock is on - but Mankind is not submitting. Rock taps Shamrock on the shoulder, and Shamrock, thinking it's the referee stopping the match, lets go of the hold, so Maivia clotheslines him - brilliant! Shamrock lunges at the Rock, but he's ready. Rock bottom! 1, 2, Mankind breaks it up. Now Undertaker has grabbed Mankind's ankles and dragged him out. The doubleteam is on as Kane joins his half-brother. Shamrock and Maivia, left in the ring, are toe-to-toe. Whip by Shamrock, the Rock floats over for the DDT but only gets 2! Mankind is out on the floor and Undertaker and Kane are looking on. Clothesline, no duck, Shamrock is punching away, whp into the corner - HIGH huracanrana by Shamrock! Yeah! Powerslam by Shamrock for ... 2! Rock manages to throw Shamrock over the top rope - and now here's Undertaker slamming Shamrock into the STEEL steps. Now Kane and Undertaker are taking turns damaging Shamrock as Vince looks on. And now Kane and the Undertaker are in the ring to take on the last man. The Rock has no chance against two fresh men, and the culmination is a double chokeslam. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner STILL hasn't called for a bell during ANY of this, which is durn near amazing, isn't it. Kane and Undertaker go back to Mankind one more time, but McMahon is left alone...so STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out and administers a beatdown with punches and kicks until the Fun Brothers come to the aid of the business partner. Replays of everything we just saw. McMahon, helped by a ref, walks to the back with Kane and Undertaker. And it's over. (12:30)
NOW WAIT A MINUTE! WHO WON THE DAMN MATCH?