/26 October 1998
WWF RAW is WAR
It's a TV-PG-V clip collage from last week shows Vince talk, Austin take
Vince hostage and make him cry, THEN piss his pants after stuffing a
letter in his pocket, then Stun him. I'm going to start calling that
special audio editing "the Max Headroom technique" at this rate - it's SO
annoying. It kinda goes like this: (Jim Ross' voice)
Opening credits. Closed captioned!
Let Us Take You Back To Earlier tonight with a clip shows Austin entering the building with a smile on his face.
We're emanating from the Kohl Center Arena in the shadow of the University of Wisconsin, in Madison, WI 26.10.98 (but taped 20.10), closed captioned and probably en espanol donde sea disponible. Let's return to the traditional show opening, that of VINCENT K. coming out (well, being wheeled out, flanked by the Musketeers, the Commish, and some other guys, and of course Big Boss Man) and sharing a few words with the crowd. "Against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you to know, that I hold each and every one of you responsible as well. My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were, you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me. You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me. But what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees...he made me beg...he made me--he made me cry. He made me--urinate myself (biggest pop). And where were ya? Where were ANY of you? NO ONE came to my aid. Not you Brisco! Not you Patterson! Or the Commissioner. No one. Patterson mouths ["iwuzgettincoffee"] My ankle has been reinjured. I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my FEELINGS have been hurt. They've been crushed. But despite the injury, the insult, Austin, after the injury, I will never, EVER forgive you for. That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down into my coat pocket, oh no, that was a LEGAL DOCUMENT Austin, and you knew damn well then it was a legal document. And with this battery of attorneys that I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fighe you in court if I can - hell, I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court. Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say-" but STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN interrupts on the TitanTron, and suddenly the segment is over. Huh? Well, I guess those other guys were his attorneys anyway.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide all commentary. Tonight! X-Pac vs. Blackman - title match! Snow & Mankind vs. Outlaws - title match! Motley Crue! We'll find out what for about that thar legal document! And then I'll say something sarcastic!
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. X-PAC for the European Championship - Chyna's not out with 'pac, as we take a look back at last week where Chyna was arrested. We learn that it was for failure to appear. She was released on her own recognizance, but has taken a leave of absence, during which she may have plastic surgery (well, they didn't say THAT, but MiCasa did!) Before this match starts, let's take an ad break! Well, why the hell NOT?
Backstage, McMahon, flanked by his four attorneys (none of whom are named Clarence Mason, I might add) is saying that he needs something "broken." Oooh, that's ALLUSION! (Look it up.) Why is he being pushed, that's an automatic wheelchair?
Meanwhile, the match has started. Lockup, shoulderblack by Blackman, they run the ropes and X-Pac hits a hiptoss. High spinning kick to the head. To the rope. Chop (woooo!), repeat (woooo!), Blackman ducks a leapfrog and hits a STIFF kick to the gut. Blackman hits a nice dropkick and X-Pac jams his back on the corner. Hard whip into the opposite corner. X-Pac, they call him a bump monster, you know. Blackman is giving him a chance to show us what that means. Now Blackman is chopping him in the back of the head. Back to the chinlock. To the corner, hard chops (woooo!), foot on he throat. Whip into the opposite corner but 'pac puts the boot up. Spinning heel kick. Whip into the ropes, duck, Blackman shoulderblock. Clothesline and X-Pac is over the top rope and to the floor. Now STEVE REGAL (huh?) is out and wailing away on X-PAC with lefts. The NEW AGE OUTLAWS run out to make the save. A bevy of WWF referees and uberofficials Hebner and Garea work that separation magic. (DQ 2:51) Oh, by the way, Regal's wearing his "Real Man's Man" outfit, apparently.
McMahon is pounding his fists on a table. "You wrote it, and you can break it!" is all we can hear behind the door and glass.
What does a blue bull's head have to do with the Rock? I don't know, but that's the T-shirt you can buy! Yeah, I said blue BULL, get your mind out of the gutter.
MICHAEL KING COLE stands in front of a door. Austin has his OWN dressing room tonight...hmm, I thought he was fired. Cole says maybe we'll get to talk to him after this next match.
Nestle Crunch proudly presents Survivor Series: Deadly Game. It's just more fun to Munch! Lawler: "We guarantee you'll see it in it's entirety!"
DROZ (with Road Warrior Hawk & Road Warrior Animal) v. THE ROCK (with his own damn self) - The Rock has new music, yet again, and it's better than last week's, anyway. Droz has apparently lost his name (Darren Drozdov) and his inane nickname ("Puke.") Oh, and most of his hair. And also his music. But other than that, he's *just the same!* Lockup, nothing. The Rock is one of the Sweet Sixteen - the 16 men in the great big tournament to crown a new WWF Champion at Survivor Series. Also announced as participants are the Undertaker and the Big Boss Man. Droz and Rock - aren't both of these guys faces? Lockup, to the corner, clean break, no Rock lays the smack down, so the kids say. Whip into the opposite corner, Droz sidesteps him then gives him a hiptoss. King asks why the fans like the Rock now and Ross speculates. Rights by the Rock. To the corner we go. Whip into the ropes, duck, Droz with a big elbow smack. Droz to the arm bar. Rock gets up and Droz changes to an arm wringer, Rock with an armdrag of his own. They're trading blows and Rock's seem to sting a bit more 'cause he's in control. Whip, reverse, shoulderblock by Droz. Droz with rights, to the corner, whip to opposite corner, Rock ducks a lariat and hits a DDT. Head to the corner. Whip into the ropes, head down so Droz sunset flips him for 2. Rock with a shot to Animal so he can get up on the apron and distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas so the Rock can hit a blatant low blow. Now he's punching away. Now DROZ is punching away. Dueling whip attempts leads to a powerslam by Droz for 2. More punches in bunches, whip, flying clothesline (sorta) - Droz to the second rope but the Rock sidesteps a ...shoulderblock attempt? Now Droz WALKS into a Rock bottom by missing a clothesline and getting caught. And because the People demand it, the Rock hits the People's Elbow. I *believe* that's the first time he's won with that move. (4:41) Hawk & Animal walk in and Droz pushes Hawk's arm off his shoulder. So Hawk gives him what for for losing. Droz is unhappy. Animal makes peace, then he and Droz walk off while Hawk stays in the ring.
Michael King Cole tries to ask Austin a question, but Austin asks somebody unseen something, then says he's been advised not to answer any questions. "We'll answer that later." Wait, WHO advised him? Who's we? Could it be...CLARENCE MASON?
Earlier Today, the Outlaws watch Motley Crue perform their soundcheck. Didn't I see this clip last night on Heat? I'd check the Sunday Heat report but there's NEVER any information in THAT report.
WWF.com ad has a great big Nestle Crunch logo in the corner for no reason. Then an AOL one! Man, I smell money!
When we come back, the attorneys are vowing to "work on it." As we follow two other attorneys leaving McMahon, we hear one say to the other "he just doesn't GET it." Well, neither do I.
D-GENERATION X (what's left of it) comes out and introduces MOTLEY CRUE. What'shisname has duct taped over the "U" in his T-shirt, so it says F
MTV Celebrity DeathMatch on Thursday features Vince McMahon vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin! IT WILL BE MORE EXCITING THAN THUNDER! (Maybe.)
To me, there can only be ONE Richie Rich - Macaulay Culkin.
WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.
Dok Hendrix invites us to see the WWF LIVE at the San Jose Arena 22 November! Presented by the JVCKaboom!box!
Tonight is SO exciting to me I'll transcribe ALL the commercials!
Whoops, California Superintendent of Schools candidate ad. Never mind. Remember to vote November 3rd (if you're in the USA!)
McMahon is being wheeled away as an attorney tries to explain to Vince that that contract (whatever it is) may just be unbreakable.
KANE v. GANGREL (with Christian) - we learn that Kane has been named one of the Sweet Sixteen. Gangrel tries to attack before the bell but Kane takes it to him instead. Punch, punch, punch. Choke. Yeah, Kane's doing all this. Whip into the ropes, big boot. Christian pulls the top rope and drags Kane out, who lands on his feet. Before anything happens between THOSE two, Gangrel leaps from the apron onto Kane with an axehandle. Kane slams him after feeling no effects. Gangrel meets the barricade. Kane throws Gangrel back in and gives him a throat chop. Gangrel ducks the clothesline, pokes his eye, and fails to belly-to-belly suplex him. Kane with a double throat slam. To the corner we go, head meets buckle. Throat chop. Whip into the opposite corner - sidewalk slam (Ross suffers from Schiavone's disease and fails to call it). Christian tries to prevent Kane from climbing the ropes and gets kicked away. Gangrel climbs the ropes but Kane shoves him off, there's the top rope flying clothesline! Chokeslam attempt - GREAT facial expressions by Gangrel. 1, 2, 3. (3:03) - Christian with an elbow from the top rope but Kane doesn't feel it. The doubleteam is on, and fails. Both men kicked away. Now EDGE is in - he clips Kane (huh?) and the TRIPLE team is on. Kaientai style beating ensues (Kane lying on his back, quick rapidfire elbowdrops). Kane does the zombie situp and they scatter, leaving together, out through the crowd. Weirdness to note: fans (or Memorex?) *cheer* Kane; and Edge suddenly seems to be getting along with his brother and Gangrel. Maybe he's come home?
Michael King Cole, backstage, tells us that he just talked to Shane McMahon. After the break, the family will have a statement to make regarding the Austin situation.
Hey, I just got it! REGAL is EUROPEAN. X-Pac is the EUROPEAN Champion. Get it? Get it? Huh? Okay.
I hear glass, time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to usher in the credits and TV-PG-V ratings box as the second hour starts seven minutes early (an idea they must have STOLEN from Nitro!) - "I got something to say to ya Vince, 'cause I know you're all worked up, and you're a little pissed off, but I really don't know why you're so mad at Stone Cold Steve Austin. Last Monday I TOLD those cops that that gun was a toy, and that's exactly what it was. I told ya that there wouldn't be any pain involved, and there wasn't. Hell, I told ya that you wouldn't feel a thing, and you didn't. So after I told you all of that, what did you do? You kneeled right here in this very ring, and in front of the world you pissed in your pants like a baby. So Vince, I guess that means maybe next time I tell you something you should believe Stone Cold Steve Austin - but then again, maybe next time you shouldn't. 'cause you see Vince, what I got here is a brand new contract with the World Wrestling Federation. Not only am I back in the World Wrestling Federation, but this contract right here guarantees at least one title shot, and you can bet your ass that that's all I'll need is one shot. So I guess that means, Vince, I guess I gotcha right by those little brass balls of yours. Because the only way Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna leave the World Wrestling Federation is if I quit - and I don't see that happening any time soon." VINCENT K. is wheeled out to find out the meaning of this. Austin makes a diaper joke. "You talking about quitting, well let me tell you something. Maybe my incompetent attorneys can't do anything about that legal document, but by God, so help me, I'll find a way and tonight just might be that way, because I would like nothing better than to hear from your lips 'I quit.' And Austin, since you are once again gainfully employed and apparently there's not too much I can do about it and whether you brought your wrestling gear or not, tonight you're going to compete in that very ring. And let me tell you something else! You're gonna compete in an I Quit match, and your opponent is gonna be the World's Most Dangerous Man, Ken Shamrock. But Austin, I don't know how you...how you sleep at night. Have you...have you no conscience whatsoever?" Off mic "I'm gettin' tired of this asshole chant" - ha! Vince knows there's two dollar signs in a$$hole. Austin: "Once again, Vince, you got about fifteen thousand people calling you an
Another WWF house show at the Shark Tank ad.
Shane leaves the arena. Just before doing so, Austin calls out "Hey, kid!" and then tosses him a beer. Shane says "Gosh! Thanks, Mean Joe!" Well, okay, he doesn't - but they do exchange a nod. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a face turn.
TIGER ALI SINGH (with Babu Nahasapeemapetilan) v. GODFATHER (with zero ho's) - Singh is using the Iron Shiek's music (befitting his Canadian heritage, you see - he's announced as hailing "from the continent of Asia" - wow the WHOLE continent?), Godfather is using pimp music. He says he has no pimps to offer Singh, he's just gonna womp on him. I saw like ONE good wrestling move here (nice dropkick by Singh) but then again, I wasn't paying much attention. Even the commentators are busy talking about Shane and ignoring the match. Just to liven things up, Godfather takes off his belt and whips him with it. Terribly bad Bulldog by Singh for 1. Discus punch by Singh, oh boy. Now they're outside for like the fiftieth time this match. Babu gets wrecked. Crowd is so bored, they're doing the wave for cryin' out loud. Referee "Blind" Tim White finally calls for the bell for no good reason. (Probably because they were both ignoring him.) Now more refs are out. Now Singh and Godfather REALLY wanna fight. Ross says the fans are great and expressing themselves - didja ever notice he usually says that when he's really pissed off at the way they're acting? (Double DQ? 4:32)
Survivor Series promo. Writing weekly television show recaps: It's a deadly game!
Michael King Cole stops Mr. McMahon. "How do you feel?" "What did you ask me?" and while Cole feels like an idiot, he's wheeled off.
The War Zone is brought to you by Castrol GTX, Mr Tees' "Products with Attitude!" and the "Stone Cold Metal" CD - get it at Wal-Mart!
KURRGAN & GOLGA & INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Giant Silva & Princess Luna Tunes & Cartman & without Sable) v. KAI EN TAI (with Yamaguchi-San) - Teoh and Golga, har har spot. Funaki and Golga, har har spot. Teoh, Funaki and Golga, har har spot. Finally they manage to get Golga down (Taka pushes Golga over a kneeling Funaki while Teoh is being held in the ready-to-slam position - classic schoolboy technique) and commence with the rapidfire elbow drops, which is actually more fun to watch than the pervious "comedy," especially after the cool pose at the end. Kurrgan is tagged in while Taka and Togo stick around. Double chop, no. Double eye gouge, ok. Double dropkick by meets with nothing. Everyone slapped away. Swinging sidewalk slam on Funaki, that's kinda cool, I guess. Tag to Violent J, who is, well, violent on Funaki. Slam, elbowdrop, blatant choke and he throws him outside, where Shaggy 2 Dope puts the boots to him. Back in, sidewalk slam by Violent J. Bigtime eyegogue. Blatant eyegouge, boots aplenty, blatant choke. These ICP guys, they're like blatant. Tag to Shaggy 2 Dope. DDT! Top rope guillotine legdrop! Double low blow! Finally the ref (making his debut, so I don't have his name yet - anybody want to provide it to me?) has had enough, and after ICP give HIM the boots, he calls for the bell (DQ 3:45) and awards the match to Kaientai. The Oddities have a bit of a problem with this, and argue with ICP. Damn, does Luna have ANYTHING on under that skirt? ohsorry.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Shane McMahon has his Jerry Springer moment.
Outside the arena, we see McMahon being wheeled out of the area. Patterson, Brisco and Slaughter promise that Steve Austin *will* say "I Quit" in his match tonight, they'll see to that.
Rude, crude, and tattooed. Get your free tattoo at wwf.com!
Michael King Cole interviews KING KEN SHAMROCK. "Listen to me carefully - 'I Quit' - this'll be the ONLY time you ever hear me say those words!" Shamrock tells us this isn't an IC title match, just a time to knuckle up, step into my zone and get it on. Actually, he didn't use ALL those trademarks, but he should have.
MARVY MARC MERO (with Jacqueline) v. GOLDUST - it's like we went back in time two years, isn't it? Clothesline by Goldust - jumping butt to the head (huh?) by Goldust. Goldust tries the tenpunchcountalong, but the crowd is too busy chanting "Sable." Springboard suplex (says Ross) by Goldust. Jacqueline grabs 'dust as he runs the ropes, sufficiently distracting him (and the ref) so the Golotta can be hit. Now Mero in control, punches, kneelift. 1, 2, no. Choke on the ropes. As referee "Blind" Jim Korderas pulls Mero off to warn him, JACKIE gets to do a rope choke. Goldust comes back with his uppercut and culminates with a Bulldog. To the corner again. Oh no, looks like he's setting him up for a big-time ball kick, which is now apparently called the Shattered Dreams. Jacqueline gets on the apron, then slaps him. Goldust goes "oooooooh!" and applies the Greco-Roman liplock to Jacqueline! Then he rares back and hits Mero in his delicate area. No choice but to call for the bell as Mero's testicles fly *64* yards breaking the record held by Tom Depmsey and Jason Elim (tie). (DQ 2:55) Goldust's music plays as if he'd won. Replay wins the award for "Most Judicious Use of Camera Angles." Just to add insult to injury, SABLE comes out to challenge Jacqueline to a match at Survivor Series, and promises that there WILL be a new WWF Women's Champion.
Tonight - Austin/Shamrock in an I Quit match! Tag team title match! When we come back, Michael Cole will look unhappy standing between the Head and Mr. Socko!
And now JVCKaboom!box presents the Kaboom! of the week! It's Al Snow getting creamed with Jarrett's guitar after the Head was distracted by Debra McMichael. Hey wait - is the Head a lesbian?
Michael King Cole interviews Mankind and Al Snow. And Mr. Socko. And the Head. Let's call the whole thing off. Oh, all right. Mankind: "Well, Al is an exceptional wrestler, and we need an exceptional wrestler when you take on the tag team Champions, even if I do feel that with the exception of the Rock's elbow that the Head is just about the STUPIDEST thing you'll ever-" "Hey! Now look, *Einstein*, if you haven't noticed, you're just talkin' to a SOCK!" "Well, aren't you the clever one, I know he's just a sock - I painted him myself! But isn't he cool?" If the Outlaws don't like it, they've got one word for them - but Mankind thinks the word is "Socko" and Snow thinks it's "Head."
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. MANKIND & AL SNOW (with Head) for the World Tag Team Championship - Mankind has been entered into the Sweet Sixteen. Foam heads have been passed out to one section of the audience. Gunn and Snow start. Lockup, Snow ties up his arms and headbutts away. Dueling missed moves until Gunn hits a gigantic press slam. Snow manages to tag Mankind. "Feeling out process." Lockup, to the corner, Gunn ducks and peppers him with punches. Mankind's head meets James' boot. Tag to James, who breakdances and punches him. Mankind rakes the face but James comes back with more punching and more dancing. Wobbly kneedrop. Whip, reverse, James holds onto the ropes, so Snow clotheslines him from outside the ring. Snow & Mankind work over James on the outside. I believe the "Road Dogg in peril" section of this match has started. James and the barricade have several meetings. Thrown back in to Mankind. Mankind imitates James' goofy dance and boots him in the head. Again. Third boot to the head. Whip into the ropes, kick to the gut, double arm DDT. Mr. Socko is out...but Billy Gunn comes in and clotheslines him to prevent any Mandible Socko. Snow comes in and also eats a clothesline. Mankind reaches for the Head, but Snow stops him, they discuss it, then go back to the match. Snow and James in the ring now. Commentators have noted that Vince usually never leaves before the matches are over, he must be distraught. Gunn AGAIN comes into the ring to keep things from getting too out of hand for his team, even though it appears that James told him to stay in his corner. Mankind comes in and Gunn clotheslines him out of the ring, going outside at the same time himself. James is peppering Snow on the inside while Mankind and Gunn brawl on the outside with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda trying to break them apart. James with the whip, Snow with the reversal, the gutshot, and the Snowplow. Ref isn't there to count the pinfall. Snow goes for the Head again, meanwhile Mankind has Socko and now they're both arguing. Gunn pulls out Mankind (who gets the Head) while James rolls up a distracted Snow (holding Mr. Socko) and scores the pinfall. (5:28) Then to make it even harder for me, D'LO BROWN & MIZARK HENRY come out and beat up the Outlaws. Next thing you know, we're watching Al and Mankind arrange for a hostage exchange.
We see Austin prepare for the match. After the final ad break, it'll be NEXT!
Another MTV Celebrity DeathMatch ad. Okay, I'll tape it.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in an "I Quit," nontitle match - as Shamrock enters the ring, the 3 STOOGES make their way to ringside. Ken Shamrock is one of the Sweet Sixteen. Shamrock attacks from behind while Austin climbs the ropes to acknowledge the crowd. Big time poundin' don'cha know. We see the Stooges rooting him on. Austin comes back with punching of his own. To the ropes, Shoulderblock by Shamrock. Austin pushes away another attempt. Austin takes off his vest and chokes Shamrock with it. Austin whips him into the ropes and hits an elbowsmash. Head to the turnbuckle. Headbutt to the abdomen. Again. Punches exchanged. To the ropes, Shamrock punches, but Austin dumps him over the top rope. Shamrock to the commentator's table. Austin grabs some cabling, it's good for choking. Shamrock turns it around and they fight some more on the commentary table. Austin's head meets the post. He's over the barricade. Shamrock with a backdrop on the floor. Back over the barricade, they're trading blows - Austin whips him, reversal, Austin hits the STEEL steps. Shamrock takes Austin's head to the steps and Austin is holding his nose (in a "ow" way, not a "p-u" way) We're FINALLY back in the ring as Shamrock tosses him in. Kicks aplenty. Whip into the opposite corner, Austin hits it hard and goes down. Shamrock with some more kicks. Whip into the opposite corner, lariat as Austin comes back. Camel clutch by Shamrock as the "Austin" chant fires up. Austin does make it to the ropes and the hold is broken (Patterson: "You coward!") Shamrock with a fireman's carry takeover and an arm attack. Now Austin comes back with rights and kicks. Thesz press. Whip, reversal, Brisco grabs the leg, referee "Blind" Tim White takes umbrage and Patterson decks him. Slaughter applies a boot for good measure. MANKIND is in the ring with the Mandible Socko! Meanwhile Austin has grabbed a chair and after Mankind leaves, he pastes Shamrock. White is back in but groggy, so when Austin picks up Shamrocks hand and mimes the tapout motion, he calls for the bell and Austin wins. (6:16) Patterson gets a Stunner, Brisco gets a Stunner, Slaughter gets a Stunner. Send 'em home happy, Vince!
I guess that Shane story was supposed to be a big deal, but I sure felt like they mailed it in this week...or maybe *I* just mailed it in this week. Eh. Happy Halloween everybody! See you at November to Remember!