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/wrestling /raw /2 November 1998 |
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/wrestling /raw /2 November 1998 |
WWF RAW is WAR |
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MainBLAH |
I GET LETTERS: Desperate to secure the name of the Unknown WWF Official, I
included a plea for help in last week's RAW report. Two alert readers
shared the knowledge: TwoFingerLove wrote: Howdy. The new ref's name is Jimmy Stranz. He's a ref for a local wrestling federation caled the LWF. He only refs the WWF shows when they are in the Chicago-Wisconsin area. Why? Because his daddy has hookups. Kind of sad isn't it? He doesn't travel because no one from the WWF asked him to. Earl gave him a break and let him finally do a tv match because he was tired of listening to Jimmy whine. Once again.... kind sad. For more information on the LWF go to.... oh thats right... no website... cheap bastards. Then he wrote me later to correct himself: Well I did some research to verify what I wrote you and found out that he did not get the job because of his daddy. Actually it's quite funnier than that. During the LWF shows he would suck the ass of one John Spon(e) who was the representative for the state of Illinois athletic commission. One of the ways that ol' Jimmy sucked up was by attending political rallies for the party that Spon(e) is connected with. Jimmy would be a face in a crowd and help present the illusion that young people really went to those things.... sad, sad, sad. (I to had to attend one of these things once but since I had a city job at the time I got paid for it. Illinois = Corruption) Anyway, in return for attending Jimmy was introduced to Earl Hebner and as a result, promptly fastened his lips to Earl's butt. It did take time for Jimmy to make it to tv because Earl kept telling him "Get away, stop bothering me, you look to young for tv. Now run out there and hold back Mark Henry." But persistence and schmoozing did pay off and he was finally allowed a tv match to get him off Earl's back. At this moment colleagues of mine are harassing and accusing him for being the cause of the ratings loss to WCW for that segment. He went on to say that actually the LWF is all right and he's just joshin'. So everybody in Chicago support the LWF and attend their (crappy) shows! Dan P. Spayer wrote: That new ref during the ICP/Kaientai was a local guy named Jimmy Strons, he probably won't be back on WWF TV till they get back to the chicago area. He is the main ref for the Lunatic Wrestling Federation out of chicago. Well, on to this week. BUT FIRST, one thing: Rick Scaia, I love you like a brother, but don't diss the APW. There will be bad things, man. One World Leader Attitude - WWF! TV-PG-V WWF-stylee clip montage shows Shane McMahon telling off his father on last week's RAW, and proclaiming that he has a vision for the WWF in a clip from last night's Heat (actually, since this is WWF-stylee, it's more like "IhaveavisionIhaveavisionIhaveavisionvisionvision...") Check that Transcript on the Heat report to Learn More About It. Funky old clips of old school Vince McMahon ask Michael Cole narrates: Is tonight the end of an era? Ladies, and gentlemen, we herald that new area with - with - an INTERVIEW segment with SHANE McMAHON! The more things change...Ross tells us the elder McMahon isn't in attendance tonight. "In the absence of my father, and as acting Chairman of the World Wrestling Federation, it pleases me to announce that on November 16th, the day after Survivor Series, Stone Cold Steve Austin will get his title shot, right here at RAW! Stone Cold will face whomever becomes Champion the night before, so ladies and gentlemen, without further ado - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" And out he comes. While he poses to the crowd, we cut backstage to see a limousine pull up, met by the 3 STOOGES and the BIG BOSS MAN - well, we all know who's inside - yep, it's VINCENT K. Before Austin can speak, he's made his way to the top of the ramp. "Well, I'm sure we'd all like to hear from Stone Cold Steve Austin - but better than that, let's hear from me, Vince McMahon! What, a look of surprise on your face? A little disappointment? You didn't think I'd make it tonight? And all this speculation about Vince McMahon and whether or not I'm going to retire. That's not speculation. Some would say it's poppycock, some would say it's BS if you get my drift, what I say is, it's wishful thinking. I'll tell ya, some of you..." and that chant we've all grown to know and love has started up. Austin dutifully points it out and the second half comes out ass(mute). "Austin, you'd like if I retired, wouldn't you, you'd really like that, you'd like it if I retired...and Shane, Shane, you'd really like it if I stepped down so you could take over, right? And all of you, you would all like it if Vince McMahon sort of faded away, sort of disappeared, some of you would even like it if I died. Well let me say this, that's the only way that I'm EVER gonna step down as Chairman of this organisation is the DAY - I - DIE. And when I die, I don't want a damned one of you to come to my funeral - no family, no friends, no WWF Superstars - when I die, I wanna go STRAIGHT TO HELL. Which is exactly where I've been as of late, figuratively speaking. I've been in a living hell the last couple of weeks thanks to my own flesh and blood, my own son, Shane McMahon. And thanks to you, Stone Cold." Crowd starts again. "All right, Shane McMahon, let me tell you this, as of this moment I am relieving you of your corporate responsibilities. You are no longer an officer of this comapny and if, Shane McMahon, you wish to be gainfully employed by this organisation you'll take the only opening available for you, and you know what that is? You'll be a lowly referee. And if you don't do a very good job at that, I'll bust you all the way down to where you began - you'll be on the ring crew. You know something, Shane? I couldn't believe it. You scarred me - you hurt me emotionally last week. And you know how you did it? You hurt me the most when you said 'you know what, Dad? I guess I'm a lot like you after all.' I've been thinking about that, and you know what, Shane McMahon, you're not a lot like me at all, you know? But I'll tell you this - you are a lot like YOUR MOTHER." (Oooooh!) "And Austin, I can't do a damn thing about your new contract, I wish I could! But I can tell you this, it won't be the day after Survivor Series that you get your title shot, no no no, it'll be AT the Survivor Series. Which simply means if my math is correct that should you make it all the way to the Championship match, you will have wrestled some four times on that given occasion. Good luck, Mr. Austin in the Survivor Series, you're gonna need it. And by the way, may I tell you whom you will be facing in the opening round of the Survivor Series? THE BIG BOSS MAN. I've only got one other thing to say, and that's to this audience. I heard that chant...and I've been hearing it a lot. JUST FOR THE RECORD, I'm not the one who's an asshole (mute misses) - it's alllll of YOU. I thank you very much." The view raises skyward where a steel cage has been erected above the ring. Why's it there? I have a sneaky suspicion we just MIGHT find out tonight! stonecold.com promo. Hmm, new website! WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad. Let Us Take You Back to During the Break where McMahon verbally berates Ross and Lawler for no particular reason. He goes on to promise that tonight, somebody will serve some hard time in that cage up thar. RAW comes to you courtesy JVCKaboom!box, Castrol GTX, and Western Union. That's right, it's on an oily kaboom telegram! NEW AGE OUTLAWS & X-PAC v. BROOD (with a burning ring of far) - Outlaws do that thing where they talk and the crowd chants along. The Brood should be better known as Gangrel, Edge and Christian, who are all best friends now even though we've never really gotten a decent explanation about what's goin' on with on that. Gangrel does his Johnny Cash thing while Edge & Christian enter through more conventional means, via the ramp. Lawler is still whining about McMahon chewing him out. Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Edge helps his new best friends try to work over Kane. X-Pac and Edge start, lockup, headlock by Edge, X-Pac powers out, Edge knocks him down. Back and forth we go, spinning heel kick by 'pac. Bodyslam. Lightning legdrop. To the ropes, chop (woooo!), repeat. Edge ducks a lariat and hits a spinebuster. Tag to Christian, double bodyslam, Edge flapjacks Christian onto X-Pac for 2. Christian with an overhead gutbuster for 2. Double feature of the cool doubleteam move. X-Pac ducks and hits another kick. Tag to Jesse James. Breakin', there's no stopping him. James with the jukin' jivin' rights and a near fall. Whip, duck, nice dropkick from Christian for 2. Triple H is still in rehab on the knee, Chyna is still on personal leave for her legal problems (or was it jawbone problems). Edge and Christian do the doublteam thing, which pisses off Gunn, who comes in, now Katy bars the door 'cause it's a Pier Six brawl, now the lights are out and dammit, it's one of *those* weeks, 'cause here's KANE. Gunn is chopped away, Gangrel clotheslines him over the barricade and follows. X-Pac manages the broncobuster before Kane takes over. Chokeslam for Edge, chokeslam for X-Pac, chokeslam for Christian, Kane lights up the turnbuckles and walks away. Hmm, let's call it (no contest, about 4:30) We are LIVE from the Compaq Center in Houston, TX 2.11.98 for WWF RAW! This show is Closed Captioned and En Espanol Donde Sea Disponible, broadcast on the USA Network and for the first time LIVE on the TSN! Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler (and Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savitovich!) who provide all commentary. Nice exterior of Houston and the big COMPAQ logo. Let's Take You Back to During the Break, where Mr. McMahon and Big Boss Man confront MICHAEL KING COLE. McMahon asks Cole what he asked him last week. Cole says it was "How do you feel?" McMahon has Boss Man pick him up in a choke, then asks him how it feels. "How the HELL do YOU feel Mr. Cole? Well, that's how I felt." THE DROZ (so sayeth the graphic) v. HAWK - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night on Heat, where Droz and Hawk discussed the Secrets of Pro Wrestling on the outside, while the Hardy Boyz (nice OMEGAS on the tights, guys) doubleteamed Animal to win their match. This led to a challenge for tonight. Fortunately for us, Hawk bumbles out as if he's been kissin' the snifter, if you catch my drift. Ross: "Looks like not only is he off the wagon, looks like the wagon's run him over." Ross goes on to say Lawler shouldn't make light of the situation. Ross, you're a hypocrite. Referee Jim Korderas says this match isn't gonna happen, but Droz has a different opinion and gives him half a manly beatdown. Of course, ANIMAL is out to watch, then to stop things after a thoughtful pause. Crowd chants "LOD" because they're uncomfortable with the realistic portrayal of...no, that's a joke, kids. Three refs can't stop Droz, but Animal says one word and he's off him. Droz registers his disgust on the way out. "Look at him, again!" Animal: "Fourteen years down the tubes! I'm sick of you!" Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Boss Man and McMahon have a close encounter with JIM CORNETTE. This is hilarious as McMahon tells him to stop makin' with the ugly jackets and "80's rasslin' crap" commentary, then for an encore, "get the hell out of here." Do you realise there are PEOPLE out there who can't understand why this makes me laugh, and Eric Bischoff makes me hang my head and shake it side to side. Michael King Cole is backstage with Al Snow and Mankind and their respective voiceboxes. Al calls Cole "Todd" which will always be funny, Mankind says that the Secrets of Professional Wrestling were revealed to him last night ("you stomp the mat!" Al: "NO!!") and then Socko says something about tie dye dancing (Dude Love?) and Snow says "Head." Yeah. KURRGAN & GOLGA (with Princess Luna Tunes, Giant Silva and Cartman) v. MANKIND & AL SNOW (with Head) - Did I mention Mankind has a new yellow tie with the Tasmanian Devil on it? Did I mention ZZ TOP is in the audience? You don't CARE? But, dude, the significance of the "Velcro Fly." I mean, "Sleeping Bag!" COME ON! It's ZZ Top! Oh, you're right. Anyway, Mankind and Kurrgan are in to start - Kurrgan dances, Mankind does a Dude Love move, Kurrgan tries to imitate it and Snow hits him from behind. Snow and Mankind take turns pounding on the Interrogator, who is wearing a pilot's helmet - all he's missing is the ugly scarf and the goggles. Crowd is chanting "we want head," well who doesn't. Kurrgan finally gets a brief flurry against Snow, who kicks the knee and takes him down with a dropkick. Tag to Mankind and they doubleteam for a bit. Big boot and tag to Golga. Announcers are hyping everything to come and not this match (MAYBE a wise move). Elbowdrop for 1. Tag to Kurrgan. McMahon is apparently yelling at the Fink. Sidewalk slam for 2, Snow makes the save. Mankind manages a double-arm DDT and motions for Mr. Socko - but darned if the guy isn't in the tights. Snow levels Kurrgan with the Head but Mankind is obsessed - he removes a shoe, no Socko there. He looks under the ring, nope, and now he's WALKING out. Meanwhile, Kurrgan has come to and gets Snow in the swinging sidewalk slam. Golga tries the Earthquake, but misses. Snow hits Kurrgan on the toes with the Head, pummels away on Golga, pummels away on Kurrgan, Golga finally grabs him, Snow ducks a clothesline but Kurrgan catches him with a chokeslam, Golga DOES hit the Earthquake buttdrop and that's all she wrote (4:36). Meanwhile, Mankind is still trying to find Mr. Socko. Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where McMahon confronts SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, who is chillin' in the back watching the monitor. "You have a backstage pass?" "I'm Shaquille O'Neal, I don't NEED a backstage pass." That doesn't work for Mr. McMahon. Hey, I saw Bob Holly AND Dr. Tom Pritchard this week! Dok Hendrix hypes local San Jose house show Sunday 22 November. Bell time is 1330 at the Shark Tank! Mankind asks Shaq to help him find his sock. To a locker room, whoops, wrong sock. Now he's looking for "Vinnie - HE'LL know!" STEPHEN REGAL (sayeth the graphic) comes out, he's a Real Man (or is it a Trojan Man? Sounds like a stolen radio ad to me.) Regal is wearing a hard hat, befitting his status as the champion of the blue collar worker - that's IRONY, I think. Regal lays down the challenge, and GOLDUST answers, giving Regal a nice facial expression for which he's so famous. Or rather, was. After this match, the brackets for Survivor Series will be released. Lockup, Regal with an armdrag, Goldust counters into a headlock, Regal powers out, shoulderblock. Goldust poses then kicks. To the corner, Funky armdrag, armdrag, Goldust is wrenching it down. Regal reverses, powerout, hiptoss. DAMN, Regal looks sloppy tonight. Wristlock - Regal kips up and hits the knee, the elbow, the fist. Whip into the ropes, Goldust comes off with a kick, comes off the ropes again and Regal throws him over the top. TERRI RUNNELS is out - or is it MARLENA? She's carrying a cigar. Regal with the European uppercut for 2. Chinlock with some extra forearms applied. Double underhook - headbutt to the back - 2 count. Regal continuing with the European Sloppy Offense - to the corner, elbow, elbow, has Goldust seen Marlena yet? Whip, head down, right by Goldust. Bulldog! 1, 2, no! Another right. To the corner, Gold is setting him up for the testicular field goal - the lights are out - SHIT - that music plays - here comes KANE - Clothesline for Goldust. Chokeslam for Regal, chokeslam for Goldust. Marlena is in to check out Goldust - Kane slowly turns to face her. He's got her in a grip - UP IN THE AIR! - but a bevy of WWF officials and refs get him to put her down. HOLY CRAP! TONY GAREA gets a chokeslam and he sells it OLD SCHOOL! Look at that man TWITCH! I love it! Even if it IS a damn Kane run-in, that was pretty cool seeing Garea get some. (Hmmm...no contest, about 5:00) Here are those brackets everyone's wondering around, and man my ASCII art is ugly: Undertaker\__Undertaker_ Bye / \_____________ Kane \_____Kane____/ \ Bye / \__________ Rock \_____________ / \ Triple H / \_____________/ \ Goldust \_____________/ \ Shamrock / \________________ Mankind \_____________ /new WWF Champion ??? / \_____________ / Jarrett \_____________/ \ / Al Snow / \__________/ X-Pac \_____________ / Regal / \_____________/ Stone Cold \_____________/ Boss Man / Hmm, I only count fourteen men in that 16-man Tournament - no, wait! THE BYE BROTHERS! Oh yeah! Backstage, we see McMahon talking to Mankind. McMahon says that if he'll keep from interfering in the next matchup with Ken Shamrock and the Rock, he'll give him a present. Mankind accepts, and Vince presents him with an old, broken WWF Championship belt with some duct tape applied - it's the "WWF Hardcore Championship Belt." Mankind loves it. Vince: "Just one thing - in some respects, I think I lost a son tonight, but maybe - maybe I gained another one." Mankind: "Really? Gee, thanks ... Dad." Vince pauses on his way out, but doesn't turn back and keeps rollin' on. Funny. 989 Studios presents the 989 Slam of the week - from last week's RAW, Rock's Rock Bottom and People's Elbow on Droz to score the pinfall. KING KEN SHAMROCK v. THE ROCK for the Intercontinental Championship - somebody tosses some water on Shamrock and for a minute, you think he's going to just KILL the guy who did it. Moments Ago clip shows Shamrock and McMahon having a chat, but McMahon tells the cameraguy to beat it. Rock comes out with the TV-PG-V box and then the RAW closing credits. Since he didn't get to start RAW, VINCENT K. rolls out to start the War Zone, "Hey Rock! Since I have a problem with the People, I have a problem with the People's Champion, so therefore I'm gonna add a little stipulation to this matchup and that is: if you don't defeat Ken Shamrock for the Intercontinental title right here tonight, then you're not going to the Survivor Series, much less be the #1 Contender. Good luck Rock, ring the bell." Ross is quick to remind us that a title can only change hands on a pinfall or a submission. Hey, remember when McMahon was good chums with the Rock? Remember when he stripped Steve Austin of the IC title and giftwrapped it and gave it to the Rock? I ask you - where has the love gone? Rock is on him early as we roll - Shamrock reverses a whip but eats a clothesline, some punches, a back elbow - Rock goes outside, drapes Shamrock across the apron and gives him a stylish elbow to the chest, then another. McMahon, the Stooges and the Boss Man continue to watch the match from the top of the ramp. Shamrock is finally coming back. Stompin'. "Shamrock sucks" chant - wow, McMahon just plays the fans like a fiddle. Hot shot by Shamrock and the Rock rolls outside. Shamrock follows - double sledge. Right hand. Head to the canvas. Rock comes back and Shamrock's head meets the barricade. Head to the STEEL steps. Whip, reverse, short clothesline to the floor by Shamrock. And now the Rock meets the STEEL steps. To the commentator's table (English) and Shamrock FINALLY remembers to break the count. Slam on the mats. They're back in the ring! Straight right and the Rock goes down hard. Shamrock steps on the hand. "Rocky" chant. Whip into the opposite corner - Shamrock leads the chants - oops, Rock comes out and clotheslines him. Whip into the ropes, duck, huracanrana(tm) by Shamrock. Waistlock into suplex. Anklelock submission hold! Crowd is going nuts, now chanting "Rocky" once again. Rock grabs the bottom rope! Shamrock is PISSED and punching in bunches. Lotsa stompin' on the head. Whip, reverse, duck, double clothesline! and both men are down. Tim White's count is at 5. 6. 7. Rock rolls over and covers - 1, 2, no! REALLY close. Rock with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Whip, reverse, Rock ducks a spinning heel kick and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Coming off the ropes, Rock runs into a powerslam, and SHAMROCK gets 2. Shamrock punching away - and Rock absorbing it. Whip, Rock ducks a clothesline, floats over and hits the DDT, but only 2! Rock with a right, whip into the opposite corner, Shamrock reverses, ducks a clothesline and White goes down at the hands of the lariat. Shamrock looks at McMahon, then goes outside for a steel chair. He strikes, but Rock steps aside, the chair hits the top rope, bounces off and pastes HIM in the head. Rock with a bodyslam - time for the People's Elbow. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - White is still out - McMahon is happy. Shamrock comes to while Rock checks the ref, grabs the chair - Chairshot! Oops, White DID see that and he has no choice but to call for the bell (DQ 8:00). Rock wins the match, but not the title. "Hey Rock it looks like if you can hear me, Rock it looks like you didn't win the Intercontinental Championship, so, it looks like Rock you're no longer the #1 Contender, you're no longer going to the Survivor Series, you're no longer the People's Champion, you're the People's Chump!" Ross says McMahon is playing a hell of a deadly game, which must mean Survivor Series: Deadly Game promo. 15 November! TV-14! WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad #2. Nestle Crunch brings you Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago where we show you what you just saw and you hear what you just heard Backstage, as Ross says "screwed," we see Rock tearing up a locker room and asking where that jabronie McMahon, that piece of trash is. VAL VENIS v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Debra Legs, Woo) - Last night, Terri Runnels told the world that she was pregnant with a little Valbowski. Val went on to kick her to the curb - and THIS guy is the FACE? Val compares himself to Hakeen Olajuwon but fails to use the word "dribble." Lockup, to a hammerlock, Val kips up, clothesline, duck, to the ropes, power off, back 'n' forth, hiptoss by jarrett. Dueling abdominal stretches and Val's in control. Jarrett counters out but Venis hits a backslide for 2. Right hands, whip into the corner and follow lariat. Repeat in the opposite opposite corner. Ross calls the steel cage a "demonic structure." THAT CAGE IS POSSESSED! Venis with forearms, Jarrett comes back but gets hit with a spinebuster. Venis whips Jarrett to the ropes, holds on and drives the knee to the gut, repeat. Side Russian legsweep. Ross says McMichael is loaded with money, where'd she get it? Venis with the hip swivel. Now to the top rope - oh look, here's the BLUE BLAZER (DQ 2:30) who crotches him. Quick doubleteam, then the Blazer runs away and Jarrett hits a Flatliner on Val. Have ANY of these matches ended without something screwy happening? Here's an unmarked cop car and some marked cops. What are they doing here? We'll tell you after this ad break! The People's T-Shirt ad. A lot of people emailed me to tell me it's a blue bull's head because that's the Rock's tattoo. Umm, so what? I say it's still a stupid idea for a T-shirt. McMahon tells the cops that the Rock has threatened his life and is destroying property, so please go arrest him. Nestle Crunch, which is just more fun to munch, brings you Survivor Series: Deadly Game Sunday 15 November! HEAD BANGERS v. MIZARK HENRY & OH YOU BETTER RECOGNISE D'LO BROWN in a #1 Contender's Match - Mosh is dressed as Puppy Dog Jerky James, while Thrasher is Dumbass Rockabilly. Mosh puts on the helium voice: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages - Stoopid Degeneration X sadly brings to you it's wanna-be tag team chaaaaaaaaampions of the woooo(coughing) - I can't do it because I suck - Puppy Dog Jerky James, Dumbass Rockabilly - the NEW - AGE - IDIOTS!" Thrasher: "And if you're not down with the fact that the only reason I have a nice ass is because I have implants, I have two words for ya - YOU SUCK!" Ross hypes stonecold.com in case you missed the ad. Four way brawl to start with Thrasher pushsed out of the ring and D'Lo telling Mosh he better recognise. Near fall. Mosh regains control. Tag to Thrasher, Mosh with the whip, Thrasher off the second rope with a flying lariat, totally wrecking his knee on the landing in the process. Looks like ad-lib time for this match. D'Lo eyepokes Thrasher and tags in Mark Henry. Henry clubs him down. Whip (running gingerly), duck clothesline, Thrasher with a crossbody which is caught, so Mosh dropkicks Thrasher and he lands on Henry for 2. Tag to Mosh, they do the Beverly Brothers leapfrog spot. Mosh doesn't get to continue the offense as D'Lo pulls the top rope and he flies out. Wow, Mosh really takes playing Jesse James to a whole new level as he gets destroyed for many eons. Too bad he didn't get to do any breakdancing elbowdrops first. Finally, Mosh puts up a boot and D'Lo eats it. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda misses the tag to Thrasher, so he's distracted while Henry and Brown do a doubleteam behind his back. Henry with the power moves, Brown with the moves that look a bit better. Bodyslam. Sceond rope senton misses - both men down. Dan Severn later tonight! Tag to Brown, tag to Thrasher - boot, punch, punch, Brown is down, DOUBLE SUPLEX on Henry! It's broken down now, all four men in the ring. Double flapjack on Brown! Thrasher with a pescado on Henry - AW FUCK YOU WWF - lights are out and that music plays. KANE is out (no contest about 5:30) - Brown and Mosh exchange anxious looks inside the ring. Kane is in - Brown pushes Mosh into Kane - big boot - Kane catches Brown before he can escape - DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! Well, it *did* look good, but that's three damn times in one night. Fuck that. Kane lights the turnbuckles on fire again. SOMEBODY must watch and like this, but it ain't me, friends. Upside is we'll see this #1 Contender's match again - on Heat or RAW? The cops have Rock in the cuffs - Rock: "Holdonholdonholdonholdonholdon - the Rock has four donuts for you big fat pieces of trash!" San Jose house show ad #2. Moments ago - double chokeslam - Mosh and Brown act surprised. Backstage live, we see the Rock being loaded into the police car - he's rather unhappy. "Ladies and gentlemen, OWEN HART!" Ross is still on that "Owen Hart is the Blue Blazer" kick SO MUCH that you just KNOW he isn't. Let Us Take You back to 5 weeks ago and the piledriver heard 'round the world. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am here tonight at the request of Dan Severn. Now although I apologised to Dan Severn a long time ago, I can never say 'sorry' enough for what I did. It was a total accident, and I never meant for it to happen. But I did the honourable thing - I retired. I am no longer on the WWF roster, and I left my home in Calgary to come here to hear what Dan Severn has to say, so Dan Severn, come on out here and let's talk it over." DAN SEVERN is out, complete with horsecollar neck brace and mouthpiece - well, ok, no mouthpiece. I will try to transcribe this without making fun of his lisp. (Ha!) "Owen, I'm not here for an apology from you. What would it mean anyway? You know, you say that you're sorry for hurting me, and that you've retired, but who are you kidding by running around in that ridiculouth Blue Blazer outfit? Owen, I came here to look into the eyes of the man that stole my livelihood. Look at me Owen! I came here to tell you in front of all these people that you are nothing but SCUM." Well, Owen's a man and he's not gonna take that kinda talk - big shove. When Severn gets up, he clotheslines him out of his penny loafers. STEVE BLACKMAN is out to keep Hart from doing anything else. Hart walks off, shouting "I'm retired! Stay out of my business!" Ross is apoplectic, screaming for an ambulance. We take another look at the steel cage above the ring, where hard time will be doled out later tonight. We see Severn, flanked by Blackman, on a gurney wheeled into the ambulance. Blackman, after seeing the ambulance closed, turns around, spies Hart and gives him a high knee and then punches away, all the while Hart is saying "I'm retired!" - and the BLUE BLAZER is out (yeah!) and Blackman's in the Dragon Sleeper. Hart chooses this moment to deliver a stellar kick to the nuts. Refs hold Owen back, who raises his hands and says "okayokayokay - I'm retired!" then when they back off, he attacks Blackman again. Ross stumbles all over himself - he CAN'T figure out how Owen Hart and Blue Blazer were in the same place at the same time. Ross and Lawler talk about everything that's happened tonight, then the cage theme plays and the cage slowly lowers. No pyro on the cage tonight? That's no fun. Time for the last commercial break and we'll find out "who has hell to pay!" Once again, it's VINCENT K., PAT PATTERSON, JERRY BRISCO, COMMISSIONER SLAUGHTER, and BIG BOSS MAN as the nonstop cavalcade of Not-Wrestling continues. "Well, I guess it's about time to find out just whom is going to pay hard time, isn't it? Well, unfortunately, if I had my way I would take each and every one of you and put you in that cage." Send 'em home happy, Vince! "Every one of you would pay hard time! Every single one of you! All right, let's go." and he's wheeled down the ramp and around to the announcers. Someone's *painting* the cage? I saw Hugo and Carlos! I'm still waiting for someone to go through that Spanish announce team's table. Anyway, Vince asks that while he enjoys his cup of coffee, Boss Man, please take his cohorts and make sure the cage is secure. If your spider sense isn't tingling by now, you haven't been watching this show long enough. "Somebody's gonna pay hard time! Check this cage out! Check the superstructure out, make sure it's up to standard. Boss Man, check that door out willya? Make sure it locks." Get it yet? Huh? Boss Man locks the door and here's Vince. "A lot of individuals in the World Wrestling Federation deserve to pay hard time. And all, all that I asked for was a cup of coffee. Boss Man, if you will." And there's a nightstick to Patterson, one for Brisco, a choke for Slaughter. McMahon is shouting "Get 'em! Teach 'em a lesson! Use the baton!" Bossman DESTROYS all three of them. Patterson tries to climb the cage and Bossman drags him down. "The next time - you'll stand by me! The next time - you Stooges won't run - not from Austin, not from anybody! Teach 'em a lesson, Bossman, just like you're gonna teach Austin at the Survivor Series!" BossMan is using Patterson's shoe to beat 'em up. "Sorry Patterson, Sorry Commissioner, Sorry Mr. Brisco - Brisco's Body Shop may never be the same!" Patterson is screaming for mercy. "I'll stop it - but you better vow allegiance to me! You better vow allegiance to Vince McMahon! I don't hear anybody vowing allegiance to Vince McMahon...it's all about McMahon's Law!" Then McMahon asks Bossman to rip their clothes off of them, well now that's just icky. We don't need anybody's sexual pecadilloes played out in an angle. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out to take the Boss Man! Ross: "The Rattlesnake is kickin' ass!" Patterson, who has picked up the nightstick, Gilooly's Austin in the back of the knee. Austin turns to Patterson and gives a beatdown, manly or otherwise. Boss Man comes to and turns to Austin - lots of nightstick shots. Now SHANE McMAHON is out - he unlocks the cage and pulls Boss Man off of Austin. Boss Man brandishes the baton and looks at Vince. Then he puts out the thumb and asks McMahon - up or down? Vince gives the "get out of there" thumb, sparing his son. Father and son share a look - and Shane flips dear ol' Dad the bird. Now to make this more of a clusterfuck, UNDERTAKER'S music plays and he and PAUL BEARER stride with purpose towards the cage. McMahon keeps Boss Man close to him but Undertaker's target is Austin - he's in the cage and slamming the door. Austin ducks a clothesline attempt and punches away. Undertaker takes advantage of the beaten Austin though. Whip into the corner and Austin comes rarin' back. Now Undertaker again exerts control. Crowd is chanting "Austin" but it isn't working. Austin gets lower with each landed blow from the Pale Destroyer. And now the lights are out - the music plays - GOD DAMN I HATE KANE is out - he's walking into the cage where Austin and Undertaker wait. Kane sets the cage on fire (oops, I guess there WAS pyro on the cage after all.) Now Kane and Austin are doubleteaming the Undertaker - oh no we're out of time. BLAH. CRZ [slash] wrestling |
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