AWARDS NEWS: Good Golly, Miss Molly - I've already received over 360 ballots. If you haven't filled out YOUR ballot for the rec.spor.pro-wrestling Year-End Achievement Awards, get your ass over to r.s.p-w and look for the articles with the [AWARDS] tag in the Subject: line. Or drop me an e and I'll give you the skinny.

IT HAS TO BE SAID: Forgive me, this has nothing to do with wrestling. It's also extremely politically incorrect, but everyone ELSE is afraid to say it. But, recasting Christopher Reeve in a remake of "Rear Window" had to be one of the SICKEST ideas ANY producer has dreamed up in recent memory. Can you imagine the guy making the pitch for THAT? It IS a Sick Sad World, Daria. I mean, we still got freakin' *Stephen Hawking* and his funky vocoder for crying out loud, we don't need to see Christopher Reeve cartin' his ass around on MY television. Hey, I'm ALREADY sorry I said that. No, really. You ever wonder if Vince thought twice about playing polo again after hearing about ol' Supe? Hey, I bet Reeve wins an Emmy, because it would make everybody FEEL so good about themselves. You think Biggie would have carted away all those MTV awards if he had LIVED? HELL NO! You think anyone will tell me what a great writer I am while I'm *alive*? HELL NO!

My point (I didn't have one, but I do now) is this: If Hogan's REALLY retiring, then I'll officially miss him for all he's done, love or hate him. But if he comes back ONE MORE TIME - well, it'll be like giving B.I.G. all those awards and then havin' him pop around the corner, "oh, hey yo, what's happening," and walking off with all the statuettes while everybody gets angry and feels like a sucker. That metaphor actually makes NO sense at all, and I shouldn't talk about Hogan in the RAW Recap, but it's almost 2am and the coffee is extra super strong.

Hey, did you notice that in that before-the-show promo they always run dudring the "Walker" credits, Vader's outta there and replaced with Triple H? I miss you already, Big V.

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

This clipfest is rated TV-PG-V and is in "Max Headroom audiovision." Survivor Series, last week on RAW, Mills Lane, Shamrock reminds us he's heel by aligning himself with Mr. McMahon, Austin fails to win the title thanks to a shovel shot from the Undertaker (complete with ultra cheesy *ping* sound effect).

Here's a "LIVE" shot of the San Jose Medical Center (the WHAT? Let me check my phone book) - we'll learn more about Austin passing out at yesterday afternoon's house show, TONIGHT!

FIREWORKS! RAW IS WAR IS ON THE AIR! I MUST TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK MORE LIKE HYATTE! Hey, that pink guy is in the front row again! RAW emanates from OSU in Columbus, OH, broadcast 23.11.98 but taped 17.11, closed captioned and en espanol donde sea disponible. Tonight! A Triple Threat for the Hardcore Title, a new Commissioner will be named, "exclusive" footage of Austin's blackout from yesterday, an interview from the Med Center, and oh yes, Mr. McMahon will have a few words.

As if on cue, VINCENT K. & SKIPPY are out with the STOOGES in tow. "For those of you who feel that Vince McMahon was behind the BRUTAL attack last Monday when the Undertaker leveled Austin with a shovel, I had nothing to do with it. I categorically deny those accusations, and as you all know, I don't lie. I've never lied to you before, and I never will. When I guarantee something, you know you can take it to the bank. Now, in just a moment, we will name a NEW WWF Commissioner, and why? Because, everything that I do, everything that my family does, we do for you. I know we disagree sometimes, I know we disagree, but from the bottom of my heart, everything that we do, we do for you. [Vince, Bryan Adams' lawyers on the phone.] Commissional Slaughter has GRACIOUSLY decided to step aside, so that the World Wrestling Federation can advance - so that the World Wrestling Federation can have an independent freethinker at the helm, who does not answer to Vince McMahon. This commissioner will not answer to me. This commissioner will have full rights and privliges to treat each and every WWF superstar with equality and dignity. The only exception to the rule will be Stone Cold Steve Austin - he's mine. I will make all decisions as it relates to Mr. Austin. So without further ado, the McMahon Family proudly presents to you, ladies and gentlemen, the new WWF Commissioner - the ONLY Grand Slam winner here in the World Wrestling Federation - he is the Heartbreak Kid, SHAWN MICHAELS!" And there he is, in black jacket, slacks, and one of JR's hats, cowboy boots, grey T, familiar (wedding?) ring on necklace, and (sorry) faggy ponytail. His pyro is in the ring. Crowd seems pleased with this announcement. "It looks like there's a new sheriff in town!" Ross is having seizures. "Well, VinMan, or is it MISTER VinMan? Regardless, sir, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. The Heartbreak Kid is THRILLED to be back in the ring in one form or another." Ross continues to suck up. "Now, as a token of my appreciation, and as the NEW commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation, *I* can be the one guaranteein' stuff around here, and I can guarantee you [pointing to Vince] that things will NEVER be the same around here again. [pop] Now, in an effort, JR, if I may steal a line of yours, in an effort to add a little bit more sizzle to tonight's steak, Mr. VinMan, may I book my first match, right here, right now?" Vince nods. "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, right here in this very ring, for the World Wrestling Federation Championship - the current Champion, the Rock, will defend against ... D-Generation X member X-Pac! Hit the music!" Vince looks less than thrilled. Shawn gives Vince some crotch chops, and Vince raises his eyebrows in response. Geez, when did Vince get so dumb? What did he EXPECT Michaels to do? They huddle in the ring and break.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide all commentary. Tonight, a WWF title match! A Triple Threat match between Mankind, Corporate Shamrock, and Corporate Boss Man! And, a live shot of the San Jose Medical Centre! And Austin will speak! And here's some ads!

Maybe it's the Santa Clara Valley Medical Center. Couldn't find it in the phone book...

WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.

KEVIN KELLY is backstage with the Oddities and the ICP. Violent J says that he and Shaggy 2 Dope aren't ready to face the Head Bangers, and could they take the match instead thanks. Luna speaks with something that ALMOST resembles a real voice!

HEAD BANGERS v. GOLGA & KURRGAN (with Cartman, Giant Silva, Princess Luna Tunes, and Insane Clown Posse) - This month in RAW magazine, all Terri, all the time, and I can dig it, but not as much as Rick Scaia, yo. Kurrgan and Mosh start, gobehind, eyepoke, kick, kick, to the second rope, Kurrgan catches him and there's a slam. Off the ropes, elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout. Kurrgan with a pound, armdrag, tag to Golga, armdrag, Golga goes up and down on the point of the elbow. Whip, Golga lifts his shirt and splashes him (it HURTS more when you see his nipples). Golga flexes, then slams him. Violent J is up on the apron - Golga comes off the ropes and unfortunately hits his mate. While referee "Blind" Jack Doane and Golga turn their attention to the outside, Thrasher comes in, removes his skirt and chokes Golga with it, over a schoolboy from Mosh. While Mosh covers for the pin (1:31), the ICP are spraying paint into the eyes of the Oddities. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. While there's a major league pounding going on on Golga, Kurrgan is sprayed, Silva tied into the ropes, big beatdown on Kurrgan. Luna is brought into the ring and Thrasher cuts off her weave. Mosh: "Right here is what you call an all new Head Banger attitude! There's no right way, there's no wrong way, there's only OUR way! Now it's OUR turn to kick a little ass! The 'bangers and the Posse brandish the shorn extensions - we go to break.

Michael Cole informs us that RAW is WAR will hit the San Jose Arena on 15 March - 1730 - ask Ticketmaster how you can spend money to be a part of the action! I will once again avoid trying to get a press pass but I'd sing the national anthem if requested.

Let Us Take You Back montage of Kane doing this and that, chokeslamming here, and there, shooting a fireball from his hand but needing a blowtorch to set gas-soaked wrestlers on fire, being pursued by the cops. Kane is now officially declared "A Lost Soul."

BLUE BLAZER v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - clips of Blazer wreaking havoc on Blackman in the past. Ross can't say quick enough that that's Owen Hart in there, despite NUMEROUS times that we've seen the both of them in the same place at the same time. Blazer throats Blackman on the top rop eto get the early advantage, but Blackman comes back with a double thrust. Blazer makes an exit and give us his impression of an Owen "wooo." Blackman follows to the outside, and chokes Blazer with his own cape. Everybody's back in, Blackman takes him down with a martial arts kick. Elbowdrop misses. Not Owen Hart-like enziguiri from the blazer. Rather Dan Severn-like Dragon sleeper - Blackman backs into the corner to break the hold. Blazer continues pounding, whip out, reversal, back elbow by the wooo Blue Blazer. Actually, he looks like Jeff Jarrett this week. Sharpshooter is applied! Blackman crawls, crawls, and reaches the bottom rope. Lawler: "I can't believe it! That's gotta be the first time the Sharpshooter's been broken!" Blazer continues to stomp but Blackman comes back with a kick, nice dropkick, but Blazer pushes away the second dropkick. Blazer poses on the rope, gives us another "wooo" and is back on him. Whip, reversal, Blackman with a missile shoulderblock (I invented that term just now, ha). Blackman hits his lethal kick off the ropes and there's the pin. Nice little match I guess (2:57) Blackman AGAIN goes to unmask the Blazer, making sure to keep his back to the ramp so OWEN HART can run in and clip Blackman. Blazer flies away and Hart follows.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Night at the San Jose Arena where Austin collapses on his way to celebrat by climbing the ropes in the corner. Hey, I see the Rock laid out back there! Earl Hebner and Steve Austin walk away as Austin tries to shake off whatever happened. Slo-mo of the collapse again. When we come back, we'll talk to Austin!

wwf.com spot.

Backstage, we see Mr. McMahon and the New Commissioner exchanging hand gestures as if they are in conversation. Shawn looks goofy trying to laugh heartily as McMahon walks off.

RAW is WAS is brought to you by Burger King, Norelco shaving machine, and Castrol Syntec Oily!

GANGREL & EDGE (with Christian and a burning ring o' fire) v. OH YOU BETTA RECOGNISE D'LO BROWN & MIZARK HENRY - later tonight, a Light Heavyweight title defense. Ross says the Brood is "cool." Later, he says "they're gonna make a difference," which can only mean they're like Fatu. Say, anybody know why Edge and Gangrel are buds now when they were fighting before? Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Henry says that if only Chyna would have dinner with him, all their legal troubles could be over. Lawler calls Henry "Sexual Chocolate," which can only mean "Coming to America" was on the USA network recently. Brown and Edge start. Edge looks amused. Brown starts off hot, even hitting the shoulderblock after a reversed whip, but Edge comes back by putting his leg in the Rocker Dropper position,but jumping up into a 'rana instead. Dropkick by Edge. Armdrag takeover into an armbar. Tag to Gangrel. Double wihp, double back elbow. Gangrel with a right, and some more rights. Tag to Edge, double whip out of the cornerGangrel whips Edge into Brown, Gangrel splashes, they climb to the second rope - double DDT! Henry comes in (Gangrel is funny here - "ooooohhhhhh" and motioning to come on) - double takeover! Henry rolls to the outside. Brown finally manages a leg lariat on Edge to regain control and now Henry is tagged in. Henry does that power stuff he does while the Double Feature shows those cool doubleteam moves by the Brooders. Big elbowdrop for 2 by Henry. Tag to Brown ("You want some?") Right by Brown. Another right as Edge is in the corner. Slap. (woooo!) Another one, another woooo! from the crowd. Whip, reverse, back to the corner, Brown sidesteps a charging Edge. Running Ligerbomb by D'Lo! He climbs the ropes and riles up the crowd. Brown with the badmouth. Henry: "Come on Goldilocks! Give me some of Goldie!" Tag to Henry, pound, whip, tilt-a-whirl slam. "He ain't got a chance!" This is a nice little tag match here, I'm REALLY shocked! Another power sandwich from Henry, tag to Brown, Edge ducks and hits a crossbody for 2. D'Lo with a lariat to regain control. Gangrel is in to distract referee "Blind" Tim White, no big deal. Tag to Henry. Whip, powerslam. Tag again Brown is on the top rope - somersault senton!!! But it misses. The count is on - 3, 4, 5, 6 - Ross: "What's the relationship with the brood? Well if any of y'all know, you tell us, 'cause THEY ain't talkin'!" Well, okay. Tag to Henry, hot tag to Gangrel. Gangrel rains blows on Henry. There's a lariat and Henry goes down. House on fire! Brown victim of a backbody drop. Katie bar the door, all four men are in and it's a PIer Six brawl. Opposite corners, paired off, Broodmates whip what's left of the NATION into each other. Brown goes out - pescado by Edge! Meanwhile, Gangrel and Henry are trading blows - there's a whip and a press - Henry just DROPS him to the canvas. Whoops, there's CHYNA out on the ramp - completely distracting Henry so Gangrel can apply the devastating inside cradle for the pin (7:06). Brown is unhappy. Chyna has a mic. "Ok Mark, I'll do it." Henry does the happy dance in the center of the ring while Chyna, looking less happy, walks away. Henry jumps into Brown's arms, hurting his back in the process - funny.

We're in the hospital room - they're done with the tests, but Austin needs to take some sleeping pills and get a good night's sleep, oh and take a couple weeks off. Ross asks Austin how he feels, and you can hear his pulse quicken a la McMahon as he relates how he feels like he's been hit by a shovel.

The JVCkaboom!box kaboom! of the week is Undertaker hitting Austin with a shovel from last week's War Zone. I sense that some sound effects have been judiciously added...to heighten the impact of the shovel on the - cranium.

Backstage, we see Michaels chumming it up with the Outlaws and X-Pac.

GOLDUST (alone) v. MARVY MARC MERO (alone) - last night on Heat, Jacqueline's miscue (apparently) cost Mero yet another match, this one with the Boss Man, so he's had it, he's through, she's outta here. Of course, all of Mero's clips for his entry feature Jacqueilne heavily, oh well. Mero with a kneelift, right, elbow, kick, kick, kick, punch, kidneypunch, whip out of the corner, Goldust comes out with a clothesline and an atomic drop. Lawler *again* calls Henry "Sexual Chocolate," okay. Goldust drapes Mero over his shoulder, then throats him on the top rope, Now he's slapping away, adding kicks in the corner. Whip out, charge misses as Mero steps aside. More punches. Choke on the second rope by Mero. TERRI RUNNELS is out and that's quite the outfit - as Ross says "why, she ain't hardly got no clothes on!" or something to that effect. There's a match going on but I ain't watchin'. "Take it off" chant. I can see the bottoms of her boobies! And now JACQUELINE is out. Mero gets a near fall but I didn't see how. The two women are on opposite sides of the ring. Backslide by Goldust for a near fall. Lariat by Mero for 2. Jackie is wearing one of Ginger Spice's old cleavage showin' dresses. Another near fall for Goldust. To the corner, time for Goldust's ten punch count along, which this week does NOT include the full-on mouth kiss. And now Mero's legs are being spread (oops) for the Shattered Dreams - Terri is up to distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas - so Goldust can hit the Shattered Dreams? No, apparently so Jackie can come in and hit a Golotta on Goldust. Terri seems to approve, anyway. Also, I think Jacqueline's top falls off. Anyway, Terri kicks Goldust out of the ring, then does the Goldust inhale (hiking up HER skirt in the process and showing us more of her, let's say, pert breasts) and delivers her OWN Shattered Dreams, to MERO. Jacqueline and Terri do the high five. Was Terri even wearing underwear? Oh yeah, the match. Ummm, (no contest 3:59) are you happy NOW? I must admit I'm a lot happier...

In the hospital room, a nurse asks for an autograph. Ross asks Austin about the Buried Alive match and the formerly almost sedated Austin goes into a loud, obscene tirade about Paul Bearer and the Undertaker, and his blood pressure and pulse go up again. Then he calms down again - the medicine's taking effect? Ross calls Austin "Hoss," and we take one more exterior shot - is that a hearse pulling up? Lawler sees it but Ross doesn't. Triple Threat Hardcore title match NEXT!

Hasbro Interactive's Glover brings you the WWF Rewind! I see what people are talking about as we see Shamrock pull out Hebner while he's counting a post-Stunner count. It DOES almost look like the Rock MIGHT have been kicking out just before 3...but we'll never know. It DOES make the Rock a slightly stronger champ, though...

MANKIND v. KING KEN SHAMROCK v. TV-PG-V RATINGS BOX v. BIG BOSS MAN for the Hardcore Title - Shamrock enters the ring, RAW ends, Boss Man walks to the ring. Mankind is still wearing that storied Taz tie. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Shamrock and Boss Man served as an impenetrable wall to keep Mankind away from McMahon. Mankind is in the corner, Boss Man is twirling the billy club, Shamrock is also standing around. Finally Boss Man and Shamrock plan their strategy and attack. Mankind has his way for a bit as the nightstick falls by the wayside, but Shamrock and Boss Man take control. It's more like a Texas Tornado Handicap match, with both men just taking turns picking Mankind apart. Double whip, double back elbow. 1, 2, kickout under Boss Man. Boss Man protests the count to referee "Blind" Mike Chioda and drools on him (ugh) in the process. Shamrock whips Mankind into Boss Man's fist, but Mankind ducks, comes off and lariats both men, then takes Shamrock to the outside and follows. Lawler starts to talk about the hearse as Mankind delivers rights and he and Shamrock go up the ramp. As Boss Man runs to meet them, Mankind pushses Shamrock hard into Boss Man. After debilitating Shamrock, Mankind turns to Boss Man and pounds him down. Back to Shamrock, suplex on the STEEL ramp! But Boss Man hits a lariat to the back of Mankind's head. Boss Man takes Mankind back in the ring. Harcord rules are no DQ, falls count anywhere, by the way. Boss Man has picked up the nightstick and is choking away while Shamrock finally comes back and delivers some rights. Shamrock drapes Mankind over the apron and pounds away as VINCENT K. & SKIPPY appear at the top of the ramp to view the proceedings. Back up the ramp we go, Shamrock takes Mankind to the barricade. Boss Man delivers a nightstick near the eye. Shamrock gives a ribshot with the nightstick as Boss Man holds him. Shamrock holds Mankind for Boss Man to do the same. Boss Man: "This is FUN!!!!" Mankind has found a broom under the ring, and now he's coming back with it - to the gut, across the back of Shamrock, clothesline on Boss Man, across Shamrock's back again, and again which breaks the wooden handle of the broom. Shamrock and Mankind near the commentary table, near the Guy in Pink. Boss Man is finaly back and helping take control. Shot with Lawler's electric fan! Another fan shot! Shamrock stole Lawler's soda and waffled Mankind with the can! Right from Shamrock. Another right. Boss Man is getting a chair. Everybody's back in, along with the chair. Vince is all smiles - but the chairshot hits Shamrock after McMahon ducks. Mankind with a gutshot - double underhook DDT on the chair!!! All three men are down and Chioda puts on the count. At 5, Mankind stirs - the McMahons are walking to the ramp as Mankind is up after 6. Headbutt to Shamrock who falls out of the ring. Mankind follows and whips Shamrock into the STEEL steps, then he takes a sock from a fan in the front row - and it's MANDIBLE SOCKO! But the Boss Man has FINALLY come to and he hits a sledge from behind. Mankind manages an eyepoke but they're both back in - clothesline is ducked - Mandible Claw on Boss Man! Shamrock hits a clip but takes both men out - Boss Man rolls outside. The J.O.B. SQUAD is out - Bob Holly with a flying clothesline off the commentary table. Shamrock has hit a belly-to-belly suplex on the chair and cinches in the anklelock but Chioda is busy arguing with Scorptio, who's on the apron. Meanwhile, Al Snow is in and there's a Headshot to Shamrock - he's out cold. Mankind covers - Scorpio is holding Boss Man's legs - 1, 2, 3! (8:25) Mankind takes his belt and runs away - not before the McMahons do THEIR bit of running. At the top of the ramp, Shamrock and Boss Man have caught up and continue to administer a beating. So I guess all is forgiven between Snow and Mankind?

We cut to the exterior shot and yup, it's a hearse.

We immediately cut to the interior shot to see THE UNDERTAKER putting a pillow over Austin's head. Paul Bearer looks to have a chloroformed towel - Austin fights back but then is still. "There's no hurry now - you see, boy, THIS is where you get off. This ... is your last ride." Undertaker drags Austin across the floor and as Ross says "What is thee-" we take a break.

Bearer and Undertaker drive off in the hearse - we are told that Austin's in that thar hearse.

CHRISTIAN v. DUANE GILL for the World Light Heavyweight Title - oh, come on. We get a nice shot of Marty Jannetty scoring a pinfall on Gill in his "video package." I think I saw Max Moon in there, too! Christian pulls him up at 2, which is probably the only way this match lasts any length of time. Ross says that Gill "spent more time on canvas than Rembrandt." It's all Christian, all the time. THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! Also, it's going on WAY too long. I'm trying to remember the last time we saw an honest-to-God JOBBER match on RAW. Lawler: "Who do you think booked this?" I'd like to know too. Gill thrown out to the Brood, who also get in their shots. Well, now the J.O.B. SQUAD is out and fighting with Gangrel and Edge. Scorpio is in with a springboard axehandle on Christian - and he reverses the order of the coverer and the covered. Referee "Blind" Jack Doane turns around, and counts. 1, 2, 3. Unbefuckinglievable. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Light Heavyweight Champion of the World. (2:28) The Squad takes Gill out in their arms. MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight and interviews Gill, who considers this the third greatest moment in his life, right behind the birth of his son and winning a championship with the Pasadena Chargers. Hey, remember when guys like Taka Michinoku held this title? Sigh.

We're outside somewhere - the hearse has parked and they've taken him out. Apparently, they're going to bury Austin alive. While 'taker digs the grave a little deeper, Austin comes to and tries the choke on Bearer. Undertaker chokes away until Bearer gets the ether again. Undertaker decides that burying Austin alive is too good for him. "Well, what are we gonna do?" "I'll tell you what we're gonna do, we're gonna embalm him." "Embalm him alive?" Ross is apoplectic. I'm slightly less interested. In fact, this whole thing is taking a turn that I would just as soon completely ignore...but let's watch it play out...

The hearse pulls away as Ross give us the "My God I can't believe the heinous carnage to come" shtick. It better not, J. R. It better not.

WWF In Your House: Rock Bottom is brought to you by GLOVER! You GOTTA love with a glove!

GODFATHER (with six - make that three ho's) v. TIGER ALI SINGH (with Babu Nahasapeemapetilan) - Ross describes embalming to the uneducated and reminds us that Bearer is a licensed mortician. I'll bet Singh goes for the *Asian* one! Babu shines Singh's shoes while Godfather offers his Choice. There's a "take the ho's" chant. Before Singh can make his choice, STEPHEN REGAL is out with a mic. "Now hang on a minute, Sunshine. Yes, you, Tiger. Now last week, I got screwed royally and in all the wrong reasons by this punk, because I trusted him. Don't trust him, I know you've got a better education than me, I know you can afford more things than me, and I know that I'm just a normal workin, Real Man's Man, but just don't trust him, because if you need to buy it, you can definitely afford better slappers than this." Singh attacks Godfather from behind, as he has turned to face Regal. Regal is now in and a doubleteam is on. VAL VENIS is out to confuse us further, and now they're paired off. The boatload of referees and officials are out to break things up. (No contest) Godfather's music plays for no reason. Godfather offers the ho's to Venis, and two walk out on Venis' arms while one stays with Godfather.

Backstage, the McMahons, the Rock and Michaels are having some - maybe I would say, "heated" - discussions. Again Michaels laughs as if he's the cleverest man in the world, which is a little annoying but pretty much in character for him, no?

WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.

Michael King Cole reminds us that RAW is WAR LIVE Monday, 15 March at the San Jose Arena. That's like FOUR months from now, I don't think you REALLY have to start the heavy duty hype right now, do you?

In the locker room, we see Michaels chatting with EARL HEBNER, apparently he's throwing out a lot of the rulebook for the title match.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. BOB HOLLY & SCORPIO (with Al Snow & Duane Gill) in a nontitle match - This match must be nontitle because those cool graphics don't appear telling me this is a title match. God only knows what them wacky OSU folk are chanting. Holly and James start. Lockup, Headlock, power out, shoulderblock by Holly, back and forth, James is punching and dancing and punching. Ross says it's nontitle, ok, wiggly wobbly kneedrop, cover, no . Whip, gobehind, kick to the gut by Holly, pumphandle - wow, Meltdown! 1, 2, Gunn breaks up the count. Is that an "ECW" chant? Tag to Scorpio as the Double Feature (brought to you by Glover) shows the Meltdown again. James with an eyepoke and a tag to Gunn. Gunn poses. Lockup - no, Gunn with the kick to the gut. Right hands by Gunn. Whip, Scorpio reverses, flips backwards, slides under, some kinda legwhip by Scorpio, but Gunn overpowers him - and when Holly comes in to help, he gets a half hour press slam for his troubls. Arm drag, tag to James. James is breakdancing again, boy that's annoying. Ross hates it too, "Road Dog's got a lot of charisma" is secret code for "I think this guy really sucks but I can't do anything about it." Holly slowly regains control culminating in an atomic drop and a big lariat for a near fall. Another double feature. James comes back with his stupid illegal punches. Whip into the opposite corner - Holly puts the boot up and James eats it. Tag to Scorpio. Plancha meets Road Dogg's boot. Both men down, tag to Gunn, house afire he is, down goes Scorpio, down goes Holly, down goes Scorpio, up goes Gunn, Holly hits the rope and crotches him. Scorpio goes up after him but there's Gunn with a tornado DDT (!) for 1. Holly breaks up the count. Now Road Dogg is in - now MANKIND is out with his leaf blower (apparently a gift to "Dad" from last night's Heat - I haven't seen it yet, haven't read the report either, eh) which he uses to paste Billy Gunn. Apparently "Blind" Tim White also can't hear a leaf blower at full power and volume because he turns around and counts a pinfall for Scorpio on Gunn. (5:23) BIG BOSS MAN & KING KEN SHAMROCK are out to take it to Mankind and the J.O.B. Squad. Shamrock delivers several measured blows with the leaf blower while Boss Man sticks to his nightstick. The Outlaws stand by and try to figure out what's going on. And now the STOOGES are out - they've got the Outlaws' attention. Well, let's not bother continuing because

Outside a funeral home, we see the hearse pull up as Ross works up another lather. Will they embalm him alive? Well, of COURSE they won't. That's just mind-boggingly stupid.

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Undertaker has Austin draped over his shoulder and they're taking him into the embalming room. He's placed on the Stone Cold Hard Slab. "You see Austin, you can't tempt fate. You can't disturb the ministry. It didn't have to be this way. This is your own fault. And this is what you get when you cross the line into a realm of darkness from which there is no escape. This is the final road for you, Austin." Bearer positions a block under Austin's head and uses some scissors to cut off Austin's shirt. Ross: "Oh my God...OH MY GOD!!!!!" Zimmerman: "THIS FUCKING SUCKS!"

Bearer is removing the EKG pads off of Austin and Ross is screaming his fool head off "they are gonna embalm Austin my God sakes alive!" Undertaker: "Austin, I hope that you can hear me, because what you're about to experience is gonna be the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see Death, Austin, when one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal." And then he starts saying "Satana" and some other unintelligble, probably evil stuff as he picks up a sharp object and prepares to lance Austin. Bearer hears a noise outside and goes to the door - it's KANE. Oh, give me a fucking break. Bearer tries to stab him with scissors, but Austin puts his hands up at the last minute and fights off Bearer. Then he falls over and kinda weakly wanders away, while Bearer weakly waddles after him. Kane and Undertaker are fighting, and the camera is knocked out. I don't have to think very hard when I say that this could quite possibly be the lamest fucking thing I have seen this year on RAW.

THE ROCK (with King Ken Shamrock & Big Boss Man) v. X-PAC (with New Age Outlaws) for the World Wrestling Federation Championship - before things get started, COMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS is out - he sends Boss Man and Shamrock out of the ring. Then he sends the Outlaws out of the ring. He wants a one-on-one match. Well, that's a pleasant surprise. Referee is as previously mentioned, the illustrious and infamous Earl Hebner. Lockup, to the corner - clean break? No, Rock lunges for him but X-Pac is outta there. Shawn mugs for the camera - he's sitting at ringside. It's been a whole minute and I haven't missed a move - lockup, to a side headlock for the Rock, X-Pac powers out but there's a shoulderblock, back and forth we go, duck, flying clothesline by X-Pac. Rock gets up slowly as the "Rocky sucks" chant flares up. Lockup - no, gut kick by the Rock, now he's punching away with right hands. X-Pac goes down. Whip off the ropes, duck, chop by X-Pac (woooo!), repeat (woooo!), whip off the ropes, Rock ducks, then hits a swinging neckbreaker. Lariat by the Rock takes X-Pac out of the ring. He follows outside but meets some chops (woooo!), then he picks up X-Pac and crotches him onto the ringpost. Glover provides a Double Feature. Rock places X-Pac on the apron, measures his elbow and delivers. Rock back in. Right hand and X-Pac goes down hard again. The Rock won't let him get back up, stomping him down repeatedly. Whip off the ropes, lariat. 1, 2, kickout. Rock kicks him in the back. Snaprmare by the Rock, pounding, to the rear chinlock. Crowd is pretty much taking a powder. The hour is over, so we probably have about five minutes left. X-Pac fighting out, elbow pair, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks a clothesline but eats a back elbow on his way back. Ross is talking about Austin all this time - I wonder who the #1 man is in this Fed? Rock is back to the chinlock. Cascading boos can only mean VINCENT K. & SKIPPY are at the top of the ramp to watch what's going on. X-Pac is still trying to get out of this hold - on his knee, back up, elbowing out. Chopping away (woooo!). Whip, reverse, reverse, spinning heel kick! Ross: "Cover him Sean!" You know, I hate to say this, but I don't think Jim Ross is exactly being impartial calling this match. X-Pac ducks a clothesline and punches away, whip, duck, spinning heel kick, 1, 2, no! Rock gets to the corner and sits there - must be time for the Bronco Buster. Rock blocks a kick, catches him and there's a Samoan Drop by the Rock for 2. Rock argues the count and almost decks Hebner. X-Pac hits his facebuster but he's too tired to make the cover. Ross: "That'll be it! Cover him! Cover him! COVER HIM! BEAT HIM! BEAT McMAHON'S CHAMPION RIGHT NOW! BEAT HIM! COUNT HIM DOWN! ONE! TWO! OW DAMMIT!" Ross has entered the Tone Zone. X-Pac whips him into a corner, but when charging after him the Rock catches him in a powerslam. 1, 2, no! Rock's had it, he's out and he's got a chair when he comes back in. Michaels enters the ring and takes the chair away. Michaels points to the McMahons - Hebner turns to look at them - and Michaels FLATTENS X-Pac with the chair. One more Glover Double Feature as Rock tells Hebner to stop jawing at the McMahons and pay attention to the damn match. 'Cause here's a Corporate elbow (complete with crotch chops!) and here's a three count. (8:32) Michaels raises Rock's hand and the smiling McMahons descend the ramp to meet their champion, and their comissioner. The OUTLAWS are out but so are BOSS MAN & SHAMROCK. Boss Man chokes out Jesse James with the nighstick while Shamrock and Gunn tussle. The McMahons, the Rock, and Michaels are all crotch-chopping at the top of the ramp. The crowd is chanting "Austin," but tonight, for the purposes of THIS television show, there will be no Austin.