/18 January 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
A little update on ScoopThis.com's "I can't Believe it's a
Contest" Contest - as you may or may not remember, this columnist recently
went on record endorsing Kelly-Marie Norris. Of course, it's been
something like 3.7 years and the contest still hasn't started - the only
word from the STc folks is that they were thinking about just NOT running
the contest since none of the contestants hadn't done anything since being
announced as finalists. Well, this won't do - I'm almost a sixth-rate
player in this game! Anyway, I got this update from Kelly-Marie: After
I read they were going to scrap it, I sent Trey an email calling him a
dumb lug and told him what I had tried doing to promote myself. He said
they don't read you columns so they missed it. I told 'em they need to
get out more. ;) Can you *believe* that? And after I was
mysteriously subscribed to their email list and EVERYTHING! So I don't
know if there's anything you should actually do about this if your ire is
raised like mine was, but it's something to file away and think about in
RANDOM RANT: A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I am some sort of journalist. I am not. I ceased to be a journalist when my high school journalism teacher decided that I wasn't liberal enough to have a future in journalism (well, I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I can see what a bleedin' heart he was and what a Libertarian I was and retroactively put 2 and 2 together). So, even though I'm acquainted with the whole doctrine, I don't simply report, because it would bore me. It would probably bore you too (no, I mean even MORE than it normally does). I am *biased*. I go out of my way to show you my ugly biases EVERY WEEK. STOP bitching about it. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but you have to use a SMIDGEN of intelligence to explain your side to me - you are practically a complete stranger to me, why the FUCK would you insult me out of the blue? I don't insult YOU. So...well, I didn't have a point really, but STOP asking me to quit. I ain't quitting, Rick and Mike don't want me to quit (I think), and there are a hell of a lot more readers out there that LIKE what I'm doing than not. You don't believe me, YOU go take a poll - *I* don't have to. You get this crap every week for FREE (less the microsecond it takes to glance at an incredibly annoying ad banner at the top), you don't have any right to complain, and if it's THAT bad, go find another report to read, or don't miss the shows, or just be patient and wait until the shows come on in your country, but don't bitch to ME because you don't like my style. Have a raspberry. Thbbbbbbbbbbpht.
Whew, I feel better now. Nothing like a page of self-indulgent crap to get things going!
By the way, 99% of my mail is glowing and positive so I have no right to bitch at all and even LESS right to make you have to read it. So I'm sorry. I love you all, you know that. I'll try to say something funny really quickly and early in this report to make up for it. But I'm still gonna complain about the Undertaker angle, so you may want to skip that section if you're under 20 and think it's the coolest thing since grape gum.
Hey, you know that spot they play during the "Walker" credits? Faarooq and Mero are out of it. LOTS more shots of the Rock instead.
"Today, here in the United States, we celebrate the life of an extraordinary man who had a dream - a dream of unity, a dream of peace - long live the dream." Shot of Martin Luther King Jr. Damn, Vince, that was classy. What'd *WCW* do for MLK Day? NUTHIN'. Hey Bob Ryder, why don't you talk about THAT on your crappy website?
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening credits - TV-14 (ooh!) logo, closed captioning logo, "En Espanol Donde Sea Disponible" logo
We're at the Unnamed Arena in Beaumont, TX 18.1.99 (but taped 12.1) for RAW IS WAR! The breaking of glass means that STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is making his way to the ring to kick off tonight's interviewfest. Lawler mentions that the 30 superstars in the Royal Rumble will enter at "equally timed intervals" without saying WHAT that time would be. Austin has "no chance in hell" of winning the Rumble, I've heard. Austin snatches the microphone from Cole and refers to Mankind's win of the title two weeks ago "I give Mick Foley credit 'cause he is one tough bastard." Hey, Steve, buddy, why'd you give him the Stunner last week? Asshole. Austin promises Mankind he'll be standing across the ring from him at WrestleMania for the title (hmm). Austin talks about being #1 at the Rumble, the bounty on his head, "eh-eh," "ass," and then he plays to the crowd. "If ya want me to beat Vince McMahon's ass all night long, give me a hell yeah - the other question is if you want me to win the Royal Rumble give me another hell yeah." The crowd complies, of course. Somebody made a GREAT point about Austin not being able to lay a hand on Vince, but I can't remember who I'm stealing it from so I won't repeat it in detail. Anyway, it should be interesting.
Your hosts are a Pair of Kings - Michael King Cole and Jerry "the King" Lawler - who provide all commentary. They are interrupted from their chat by Austin standing on their table and shooting a Coors Light. ("I give a hell of an interview and you give me LIGHT beer?") Tonight, Mankind and Big Boss Man in a nontitle match, Hardcore title up for grabs when Jesse James takes on Gangrel, Chyna takes on the Stooges and then rats on Mark Henry, all TONIGHT!
Backstage, we see Jesse James searchin' for plunder - that match is NEXT!
WWF Magazine ad. This month Al Snow and Mankind share the cover (oops).
Random fans wear shirts you can ONLY get at Wal-Mart (unless you are able to appear in front of a camera at a WWF event!)
ROAD DOGG v. GANGREL for the Hardcore Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as Dogg suffers a bloodbath at the hands of the Brood. He introduces himself as the Hardcore Champion of the wooooooooooooorld and then goes ahead and says Gunn's name and "the New Age Outlaws" anyway because THE FANS DEMAND IT. He's down with the H-C-4-L-I-F-E. I hope that isn't YOUR phone number. Before the introductions can be completed, Dogg breaks a broomstick over Gangrel's back - he goes out to meet him and gets a full spray of Great Muta impersonation with "red viscous liquid." Whip into the barrier. Gangrel stays on him. Now a whip is reversed and Gangrel hits the barricade. Head to the STEEL steps. Over the barrier we go. Dogg with an axehandle off the barrier to the floor. Right hand. Cover but only 2. Gangrel with a right, an uppercut, another right is ducked and there's a belly-to-back suplex over the barrier. Cover, only 2. Dogg's got a table. Back in the ring we go - face first to the table. Now the table's standing up. Right hand, another, Gangrel counters with a Golotta and there's a powerbomb through the table. Gangrel covers - only 2. 10-10-220 brings you the Double Feature. Gangrel puts the legs down. Punch is blocked, Dogg with a DDT on the table remains. He's out again and there's ANOTHER table. This one is set up on the floor. Back in the ring, Gangrel has a piece of table and he whacks the back of the legs, then the back with it. Standing on the throat now - off the ropes with a baseball slide to take him out. Gangrel follows and is in the cart o' plunder. Plastic wastebasket shots? Puh-leaze. Dogg with a chair and a headbutt to regain control. Gangrel placed on the table - several rights to keep him there. On the apron - boogie woogie elbow drop and the table does NOT break! That makes it look like it hurts a HELL of a lot more. Dogg quickly improvises a cannonball from the apron - table STILL doesn't break! Dogg to the second rope - elbowdrop! It FINALLY breaks completely. Both men slow to get up. Gangrel pops up and makes a cool face. Gangrel whip is REVERSED and he FLIES onto the table corpse. Snap suplex on the table - ouch. He's got the chair, chair, meet Gangrel's head. Chair shot from the APRON. 1, 2, 3. Yeah, that'd do it. (5:55) Nice li'l match, that. Replay of the final two chair shots.
Backstage, we see Austin thoughtfully consuming another Silver Bullet.
Royal Rumble is SUNDAY!
WCW/NWO THUNDER! for the PlayStation ad. Interesting...
Backstage, we see Ken Shamrock lacing up his boots, even though Mr. McMahon gave him the week off.
RAW is WAR comes to you through the kind courtesy and sponsorship of America (ha!) Online, Castrol GTX Motor Oily and 1-800-COLLECT!
BADD ASS BILLY GUNN v. TEST - Gunn's got two words for ya, you know. Test comes to the ring wearing a "Guns don't kill people - *I* kill people" tank top - must be a Pillman tribute. Lockup, to the corner, they're out and still locked up, to another corner, clean break. Didn't Gunn hang with Motley Crue last year? Lockup after another Suckit. To the corner, clean break, well, Test with the kicks and punches and knees and ahey. "Suck it" chant sounds like "Nugget." Big elbow from Test. Head to the buckle. Right hand, right, right, right, Gunn fires back with rights of his own. Test's head meets the buckle. Whip is reversed, Gunn ducks a lariat, kicks him in the gut and hits a vertical suplex. Gunn to the second rope - he's too far away - elbow ALMOST lands. 1, 2, no. Test's head hits the buckle. Lawler is playing the Bobby Heenan game where he picks a different Royal Rumble winner in every segment, har har. Test is FORBIDDEN to enter or exit the ring by any means that isn't him straddling the top rope. They're both outside here - Gunn's head meets the barricade. STEEL steps shot is blocked and countered with Test's head hitting the steps. Gunn rakes the face. Another head to the steps shot. Throat 'cross the top rope and he falls to the floor again. Gunn brings him in and Test manages to regain momentum by reversing into a swinging neckbreaker. Waistlock into an overhead slam but only 2. Test signals and goes for the gutwrench but Gunn rolls over and kicks him in the gut, set up - nope, Test counters with a back bodydrop of his own. Off the ropes, head down, Rocker dropper from Mr. Ass. Oops, here's KING KEN SHAMROCK to prevent the clean finish (DQ 5:16) and he's all over Gunn. Big lariat. They're outside the ring now - leap onto the (English) announcer's table - head hits table. Shamrock pushes him across the commentators' chairs. Shamrock tells Cole to get out of his way. A carton full of refs and officials is out and Shamrock demolishes the STEEL steps. Now he's back for Gunn - head to the steps - ANKLELOCK! Gunn is screaming in pain but the Technical Assassin will not let go of the hold. Four refs and Dave Hebner can't stop him. The timekeepers' table is bowled over and he steals the hammer used to ring the bell. Rather vicious fall by Tim White into half of the steps. One damn loud "Shamrock sucks" chant fills the arena. Shamrock threatens a fan but doesn't do anything with the hammer. Finally he's off and Gunn's holding his left leg. Various shots of confused/concerned fans as he writhes around in pain. I guess White's okay, thank goodness.
Is this an ad for an ad? Oh, no - it actually looks like an ad for the WWF's "Halftime Heat" - something to take place during the halftime show at the Super Bowl, on USA. Well, that's actually a pretty good idea. I wonder if WCW will scrape something together at the last minute. Maybe Bob Ryder will give us the lowdown.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Shamrock dismantles Gunn. Didn't I just SEE this, though?
Backstage, we see the trainer trying to help Gunn and Gunn weeping like a woman - err, crying like a little girl - err...okay, I'm sexist I guess. They do a "re-set the ankle" spot a la Riggs in Lethal Weapon on MadTV. Lotsa swearin'. Oh, Road Dogg is helping him get through it - hey, why didn't he help him out earlier? Must have been showering after his Hardcore match.
KEVIN KELLY interviews JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, OWEN HART, and DEBRA McBREASTS. Hart and Jarrett are ready to take the titles next week on RAW - but they're interrupted by the Tag Team Champions, who strike fast and hard. The brawl is on backstage, and a variety of creative weapons are used. The refs and officials try to do that thing where they try to separate the combatants. Looks like Boss Man has caught a little of what Shamrock's got - he's feelin' FEISTY!
Mr. McMahon IS Rocky in "Rocky's Royal Rumble!" That's Rocky Balboa, not Rocky Maivia. McMahon cuts a pretty decent interview along the way. McMahon does some wrestling moves in the practice ring - hey, there's Dr. Tom Pritchard! Hey, there's two guys in masks that I can't identify! Vince does a STUNNER and then does an Austin impersonation, sitting over him and jawjacking. Vince mentions that if for some strange reason he somehow gets eliminated, he's got a hundred thousand reasons why he won't win. "This Sunday, there is NO CHANCE IN HELL of you winning the Royal Rumble."
And now, backstage, Boss Man has found Mankind and THEY'RE hammering away. Looks like they're starting their Hardcore Rules match a little early. Or so they say. Mankind puts Boss Man through the camera - pretty cool. Picture cuts out on cue.
DAN SEVERN (with mouthpiece) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Heat where Severn turned on Blackman in the Lion's Den. Blackman rushes Severn with a dropkick as we start, he's all over him, he's a house on fire, he's a - well, you get the idea. Nice suplex. Now he's choking him on the rope. Stompin' away. I am the ONLY person that like Blackman, but I will change ALL of your minds. Whip, Severn sidesteps the charge. Severn with the takedown - then a spear. Thesz press position, Severn raining down open palm blows. A little mat segment and we're back up. Kick from Blackman. Elbow, repeat. Whip into the corner, waistlock, up and down on the face. Bodyslam by Blackman. Elbowdrop misses, though. Severn with a knee to the cut, another, another, another, overhead suplex again. SEVERN misses an elbowdrop. Blackman picks him up, whip off the ropes, patented missile shoulderblock. "That's it!" What's his finisher again? We don't find out - Severn hits a Golotta. Referee "Apparently not blind" Jim Korderas calls for the bell ("Un foul!" 2:31) as Severn locks in the Dragon sleeper. The wheelbarrowful of referees comes out and works the separation magic, as you think that maybe...maybe...this issue isn't fully settled yet...
Another shot of Austin getting drunk backstage.
Another shot of Mankind and Bossman brawling in the back - Mankind has him choked with a curtain, Bossman responds with a chair. They're trading punches now - Bossman's head meets a chair cart - they both meet an AD BREAK!
Hey Bob Ryder, if the WWF is playing to the kids, what the HELL is an ad for colouring your grey beard and moustache hair doing on RAW?
Let's take a Special Video Look at the "I Quit" match between the Rock and Mankind for the WWF Championship match. Clips from last week's opening interview setting up the match, then clips from NEW interviews from the two participants as we look at other clips. So if the Rock loses, will he say "the Rock quits?" Nice "Green Eggs 'n' Ham" bit from Mankind, nice reference to the "Chinese Announcers' Table" from the Rock. Other than that, this is filler. Make it go faster. You're giving me epilipsy here with all that damn flickering, too.
MANKIND v. BIG BOSSMAN in a Hardcore Rules, nontitle match - they are brawling out from the entranceway as the credits appear and the TV-14 box highlights that the War Zone has started. Brawling here, brawling there, almost to the ring as Bossman hits the STEEL steps hard. Lotsa stompin'. There's a 10-10-220 Double Feature of the stair shot. They're FINALLY in the ring and the bell rings to start the match. Bossman comes back and stands on the throat. Whip into the corner, follow splash. Bossman boots him until he hangs out of the ring, then brings him back in, whip into the opposite corner, Mankind puts a boot up and hits a lariat. Legdrop. 1, 2, no! That legdrop NEVER works! Right hand, right hand, again, Mankind chokes him on the second rope. Boot to the head. Into the corner we go, repeated rights. Running knee to the head. Mankind out, elbow to the noggin and Bossman falls outside. Mankind casts a weary eye to the commentary table - no, they go to the timekeepers house and Bossman has a seat. Bossman manages to pick up Mankind and side suplex him onto the chair - DAMN. That chair looks bad. Mankind to the STEEL stairs. And again, and again. 10-10-220 brings you another shot of the chair being mangled by Mankind's head going through it. Rolled back in the ring, Bossman steps on his head an uses the ropes for leverage. "Bossman sucks" chant means he's a perfect partner for Shamrock, ha! Right hands by Bossman, big KO blow. Bossman straddle as Mankind is against the second rope in the corner. Mankind actually gets in some rights before Bossman whips him into the corner - as he backs out, their heads collide. Both men slow to get up but up at the same time. Bossman strikes first, whip off the ropes, double underhook DDT by Mankind! Mankind might be bleeding, but I don't know from where (under the shirt?) Mr. Socko is out and the Claw is applied. Well, here's THE ROCK with a chair - chairshot and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner calls for the bell (DQ? In a hardcore match? 5:17 between bells, lots before) Rock makes a brief stop to provide commentary, then goes back into the ring and delivers ROCK BOTTOM ON THE CHAIR (!) Replay
Backstage, Mark Henry pleads with Chyna to not do what she's gonna do - Chyna smirks and Mark Henry says "Damn!"
Steve Austin is sleeping off the beer he had earlier.
MWW Wrestling 23 January at the Santa Clara Fairgrounds in San Jose! See Mankind in an autograph party! The NWO'S VINCENT! Flyin' Haystacks! And some KSJO superproducer refs an ULTIMATE CATFIGHT! Geez, how's Mankind gonna make it to the Rumble in time if he goes to this card? I guess he leaves early.
Nestle Crunch brings you the Slam of the Week - Mr. McMahon eliminating Triple H and the Bossman, followed by Chyna eliminating Mr. McMahon thanks to a timely distraction from Steve Austin.
Backstage, Mr. McMahon explains to Kane that while he can't affect the match Commissioner Michaels made between him and the Rock, he can certainly affect the kind of match that Kane HAS with the Rock.
You know what's been getting the most mail lately? It's when I refer to the Ninth Wonder of the World as THAT SLUT CHYNA. Well, until she stops wearin' them outfits, I'm still referring to her like that. She calls out "Numb nuts," who these days goes by SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY. We notice that Mama Henry is in the front row tonight (Beaumont being close to Silsbee, from what I hear) Chyna says will the truth come out or will she embarrass him in front of the entire arena? Henry relents. "Okay, I lied, we didn't do nothin'. We didn't do the Wild Thing, we didn't do the Mild Thing, we didn't do NO thing. Okay, is that good enough? Please. Just let me have the tape - don't show 'em - my mom's here!" Chyna says that's good enough. "You wanted to screw me - now you're screwd - roll the footage anyway!" We see SAMMY telling Henry things are going to be okay. "I know how to make you feel better baby" as the doors are locked. There's some kissing, there's some "yeah baby" and who knows what's going on - Mama looks confused. Henry puts his hands on the back, on the ass "ooh, I feel like James Brown! Ooh, tight!" The skirt is lifted (thank God for pixelation). Then "OH! Sweet Jesus! You've got a penis!" The wig comes off "Well, that's why they call me Sammy!" Henry retches over a conveniently placed restroom toilet as Chyna delivers the Austin Powers line we've been waiting for: "Oh yeah, she's A MAN, BABY! Get this through your thick skull, Mark. I would not have sex with you if you were the last man on Earth, I were the last woman on Earth, and we just had to keep the human race going - Mom, sorry, no disrespect, but he had it coming." Henry turns to face his mother, and also so Chyna can deliver a Golotta. The DX theme plays and Henry rolls out. Now, what do you think his mother does? That's right, she does what any loving, kind mother would do to her baby boy - she takes CHYNA'S side. She swats him on the rump and leads him out by the ear.
THAT WAS IT?
Allow me to be the (probably) last Web columnist on Earth to officially proclaim Bob Ryder dumber than a box of rocks. Hey Scherer, if it's not too late to get the Lariat out of his hands, I'd do it quickly. His wagon is not the one to be hitching your star on. That goes for Zach Arnold, too, but in the grand scheme of things I can't say I care as much whether those up-to-the-second ARSION results get posted here, there, or somewhere else - I *will* say that the WM main page got a lot cleaner once all that Japan news was taken out <-- "controversial" statement
"Halftime Heat" promo. Is this like the RAW Bowl?
Backstage, "During the Break" footage shows Henry and Mama Henry walking off, she slapping him. Hmmm. By the Judy Bagwell precedent, this is pretty cool, but if we ever see her again, it will be INCREDIBLY lame and I will bitch about it.
Mr. Patterson & Mr. Brisco talk over strategy in their handicap match with Chyna - more specifically, they argue over who should score the pinfall. This is pretty funny, but let me go on the record here: there BEST be no Patterson vs. Brisco match ANYWHERE on the card for WrestleMania XV. Hear me now. I'm serious. DON'T do it.
10-10-220 proudly brings you the 1999 Royal Rumble!
AL SNOW (without Head) v. GOLDUST (with Head) for Head - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night on Heat where Al Snow dresses up as a ho in order to attempt to steal back Head - it doesn't work because he couldn't run off in the high heels. Goldust strikes first, Snow counters by ducking and hitting a suplex. Whip off the ropes, big back bodydrop by Snow. Lotsa right hands, whip into the corner, clothesline coming out. They keep hyping the Super Bowl as "the most controversial commercial in the history of the Super Bowl." Hmmm. Ad for an ad? Out we go as Snow tries to get to the Head. "I need HEAD! GIVE ME HEAD!" he says to Theodore Long, who must miss carting Ice Train around in matches against Scott Norton. WHY exactly did Goldust want that Head again? Meanwhile we're going back and forth and I'm ignoring the action, aren't I. It's been a LONG night. Pick it up at the two minute mark as Goldust is in control but Snow is trying to pepper him with punches. 2 count for Goldust after an atomic drop that hits the canvas instead of his knee. Goldust standing on the throat, stomp, whip, duck, crossbody block by Snow for 2. Goldust with a lariat for 2. Whip, reverse into a drop toehold by Snow. La Magistral for 3!!! (3:36) But Snow isn't done - giving those headbutts to Goldust. Long gives that mannequin head to Snow, who stops beating on Goldust. So Goldust gets up, ducks a Head shot and delivers a spinebuster. Snow is set up for Shattered Dreams - that is a DEVASTATING kick to the turnbuckle he's sitting on. Sigh. Goldust AGAIN has Head - there's a kiss for Snow - and a Head shot. Goldust walks off with Head. Why's he want it? We still don't know. I bet they have a match Sunday, though! Zoom in tight on Snow who's hilariously spouting "I need head - I GOTTA HAVE HEAD!"
Steve Austin has some coffee to try to cure his hangover.
Patterson & Brisco each try to snow the other with stories of how Mr. McMahon told each of them PERSONALLY that he wanted THEM to cover for the pinfall. Oh, need I mention Brisco's wearing a Brisco Bros. Body Shop ad T-shirt.
Oh boy, MIDIAN (notice my correct spelling this week, hooray) is out to ask the commentators if they can feel it. I'm DEFINITELY feeling something. I'm feeling it's time for another segment I won't really like too much. The former Dennis Knight is clad in a red robe, open just enough for us to make out the "scar." The DRUIDS are out, the ACOLYTES are out, PAUL BEARER is out, and now the UNDERTAKER is out. "Poor wretched souls. Your world is polluted with rotting souls. Seven nights past, you witnessed one of these souls become one with the power of the Darkness. Midian - he was once a forgotten face in a vast ocean of individuals abused by the corrupt politics of your world. Now, he sees what you cannot. He feels what you cannot. Seven nights ago, Dennis Knight ceased to exist and Midian was given everlasting life. As was all of my Ministry. Tonight, I speak a prophecy - and what I will shall be done. The sacrifices are not over. And the ceremony has been scheduled. For all who walk on the mortal side of life, take heed: On January 24th, the next sacrificial lamb will be led to slaughter, and your simple minds won't allow you to believe who the next victim will be. So attend if you dare, resist - and you subject yourself to agonising pain and extreme suffering. So until we meet again, accept the Lord of Darkness as your saviour! Allow the purity of evil to guide you." And the symbol catches fire. Oh man, he's gonna stink up the Royal Rumble?
Royal Rumble promo.
THAT SLUT CHYNA v. GERRY BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON in a Handicap match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where we are once again reminded that Chyna eliminated Mr. McMahon last week on RAW in the Corporate Rumble (where the slo-mo of McMahon's bump doesn't look NEARLY as bad - at least the bit with his head snapping back) and last night's Heat where the Stooges blow the arm-wrestling contest, followed by the challenges from both Associates. No music for them. Lawler runs down the credentials of the gents. Waistlock into a takedown. Chyna reverses and Brisco climbs to the rope - this takes a little longer than it should as Chyna grabs onto the arm. To the rope he finally goes, here's the tag. Patterson puts on the badmouth and all but dares her to slap him one. After pointing a finger, she grabs onto it and almost breaks them. Fireman's carry by Patterson into an airplane spin. Oops, looks like it got Patterson more dizzy than Chyna. Brisco is in and pushing Patterson out of the ring. Cole is laughing a bit too much here. Brisco picks up Chyna, CHyna goes behind and there's an atomic drop. Brisco sells it like a hot poker up his ass. Chyna with blows to Patterson, savat kick, and a while into Brisco's head (to the gut). Chyna has Brisco by the hair and Patterson hits a Golotta - which apparently does NOT hurt women after all. She shrugs to the crowd, turns around and oh Lord, let's not have a Patterson's testicles involved in anyway. Oh no, spake too soon. She's got Patterson by the balls - now she's got Brisco in the other hand, so to speak. While the lads argue, Chyna takes a powder, sitting on the top turnbuckle. Patterson pushes Chyna off the turnbuckle, and she tumbles to the apron, then the floor. Whut? The theme of (THE LOVELY) SABLE fires up and she's walking to the ring - why? We may never know - LUNA TUNES jumps her with the weight belt and whips her like a government mule. With all that out of the way, meanwhile, Patterson has rolled Chyna in the ring and Brisco is doing his own version of the Corporate elbow. Cover, 1, 2, Patterson pulls him off and splashes - 1, 2, Brisco pulls him off. I believe Lawler says it best when he says "Pull your pants up, Pat!" And now, of course, Patterson and Brisco are actually slugging it out. Chyna recovers and there's the double noggin knocker. Chyna with the Ten Punch Count Along on Patterson (gets to 7) and she turns around in time to take a fistful of powder in the eyes from Patterson. Both guys pat her on the rump, then Brisco lifts her top briefly (DAMN you pixelation!) - oh, no, I guess they're just feeling her up through the top instead (Lawler: "I don't think [Pat] likes that") - you can't show that on TV, apparently. Double clothesline is ducked, Chyna hits a double clothesline of her own. Patterson is stomped, Brisco is kicked. Big "Chyna" chant. DDT on Patterson! DDT on Brisco! Brisco dropped on Patterson - Chyna sits on both of them and Referee Mike Chioda counts the 3. (6:19) Patterson comes to and realises his dream as he sees Brisco on top of him. Or something. Anybody else worried that there'll be a Patterson/Brisco match during WrestleMania XV? I'm warning you, WWF, I love you like my older female cousin but don't test me.
Steve Austin is still walking around in the back - what a waste of two hours for him, don'tcha think?
The McMahons assure the Rock that Kane will not be a problem tonight - if he is, he's going back to the nuthouse. The words "smack down" are uttered a few hundred times in twenty seconds.
10-10-220 brings you the WWF Rewind - from last week's show, the Rock breaks up Kane's almost certain pinfall on Mankind with a chairshot.
ROCK (with Mr. McMahon, Skippy, Test, King Ken Shamrock & Big Bossman) v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE - Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to the Attack that took Shawn Michaels well out of action, but not so far gone that he couldn't book this match from his hospital room last night on Heat. The Rock is wearing a $500 shirt, we are told, and he doesn't want it messed up in this match. Kane's defiance is duly noted as a "Rocky sucks" chant starts up. Mr. McMahon tells Rock & Kane that tonight's gonna be the old finger to the chest routine. When Kane appears to not want to go along with it, Vince takes the mic out of range and warns Kane not to do anything stupid. Kane responds with a flip of the bird. Rock, from behind, clips the knee and the Corporate Members team up on a major league beatdown. The crowd chants for Austin, of course, as Rock asks the rest of the Corporation to beg off so he can take him by himself. The bell sounds with everybody out and the Rock pounds away. Whip into the opposite corner, but Kane has a double choke, into the corner, punches, whip, Rock ducks, kick to the gut, big-time DDT, Kane with the zombie situp. Rock clotheselines him out of the ring. Test grabs his attention while Rock goes outside to continue the attack. Head to the STEEL steps. Head to the commentary team's table. Rock provides a little commentary but turns his back - Kane is up and has the choke - Rock kicks him in the 'nads. Tim White should have counted them BOTH out by now, you know. Rock with punches. Head to the barricade. By my watch we're three past the hour so we have two minutes left. Kane rolled back in, right hand, right hand, right hand. Kane keeps coming back. Chop to the throat, no effect, Rock begs off, then we have the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine as Kane hits three punches. Whip is reversed, clothesline ducked, Rock in position for the - no, he gets out of it and takes Kane down with a clothesline. Corporate elbow time? You betcher. Rock stands over him - but there's a chokehold as Kane gets up. CHOKESLAM! Test is on the apron - CHOKESLAM! Bossman in, they trade blows until Rock can attack from behind. Now it's four on one - MANKIND comes in with a chair and chairs Test and Bossman. He tries to get to Rock, who backs off - but STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN has appeared at the entranceway - Rock turns to face Austin, and Mankind waffles him with a chair. We see McMahon making faces and fade out.
Well, at least Austin didn't give Mankind a Stunner this week...