/25 January 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
Last week I had the misfortune of attempting to poke fun at some of the
fine folks at scoopthis.com
the lack of action on a contest, around the same time a certain unnamed
killjoy was threatening some legal action for some OTHER things appearing
on that site. So I'd like to apologise to Trey for unwittingly kicking
him while he was down - which was never my intention, but I should have
chosen my words better in the first place. So here's an urgent plea for
EVERYBODY to go visit them at least once this week and say something nice
about all their funny bits! Then tell 'em CRZ sent ya so they realise
what a swell person I am in real life. (Actually, I hear tell that I am
actually mentioned somewhere on the site - but if I told you WHERE, you
wouldn't be pleasantly surprised! Go! Find out for yourself! Give them
If you haven't read DLB's column yet, go give it a gander - it pretty much sums up everything I only allude to when I call her "that slut Chyna."
If you think my reports are too long, look for the line down below which will tell you where the show report really starts. If you think my reports aren't long ENOUGH, I encourage you to click on the Evil Satanic Ad Banner from Hell and visit whatever two-bit, fly-by-night operation has stupidly bought advertising space on this site. (Views expressed by this columnist are not necessarily those of and so on)
I GET LETTERS: Last week I wrote "Allow me to be the (probably) last Web columnist on Earth to officially proclaim Bob Ryder dumber than a box of rocks." This prompted Ben Weiner (c'mon that's not your REAL name) to respond with: And exactly how much are you getting payed to write your column? to which I respond with - well... - touche. I guess. Although if Ryder's getting rich off doing his gig while I get nil for MY gig, I think you'll have to agree that there's something fundamentally fucked up about this universe. Or maybe not - he DOES tend to take this stuff a hell of a lot more seriously than I probably ever will...
Brian Mitchell wrote: Hey man, count me in on the Steve Blackman bangwagon. Soon enough, all those other followers out there will be marking out for him as well; they just gotta get off Austin's nuts first. Ah well...
From the Pieman: CRZ - you are not alone... I think that Steve Blackman is severely underutilized by the WWF... As you have pointed out he does have the coolest music (although Gangrel's is pretty cool, too!).
Kevin Creary writes: You are not the only one that likes the dude. He is one JACKED muthafucka. We have an elite group of Lethal Weapon fans around here. We like the guy cuz he's one of the few wrestlers that is actually CUT (i.e. no beer gut, ZERO flab). Him and Shamrock lead the league in muscle definition. Not like Dan Severn, who, although he is very tough, looks like he hasn't seen a gym in 3 years. And he apparently hasn't seen the sun in longer than that. But back to Blackman. The guy is just huge. I saw him at the RAW taping in Binghamton over the summer walking around while I was waiting for last-minute tickets. No one knew who he was, and it pissed me off. But anyways, I've been pointing out his physique to everyone, and everyone agrees: the guy is TUFF. And my brother got the figure, too.
Maybe you've seen this, maybe not. I don't remember where i got the link. http://come.to/lwta
So there you go. There are FOUR people that like Steve Blackman. Hell, I can't see why he doesn't get pushed if only on the basis of the fact that he has FOUR fans! At LEAST give him a burning ring o' far so he can be as cool as Gangrel! Ha!
Finally, from Tony M., the letter that made me laugh the most this week: You know what....you're right talking about the Undertaker's new found cheesyness. I'm glad he changed, but he's a terrible actor. I guess he's supposed to be all scary and stuff, but when I see him all I can think about is.....what a nifty robe he's got on. Oh well, at least he's evil again. See ya.
I think that says it all - hey Undertaker, I got two words for ya - "NIFTY ROBE!"
ARCHIVES: I recently discovered my cache of legal pads containing my first two years of reports - back then I was lame enough to write down in longhand my play by play and editorial musings longhand, then go back and type them in later for rec.sport.pro-wrestling, the Usenet newsgroup. Because I apparently had nothing better to do, I have retyped my first report covering PrimeTime Wrestling from 28 September 1992. You can see that although I have come a long way in 6.33 years, I ALSO haven't come very far at all. Also I'm still using some of the same damn jokes - nothing wrong with that I suppose...
Because I haven't really pissed anybody off lately with the fact that these things end up "too long," I thought I'd start off this week with another brief bit for you to think about, assimilate, and use in your daily conversations (if all goes well). This week I want you to roll around the idea of "Wheel of Fortune booking." This concept first came to light a while back, and I was going to hold onto it until I actually had to develop a column, but after last night's Royal Rumble, I felt I had to bring it out into the open now if only to make sure no one else came up with this idea before I'd put it in print.
Remember in the 70's when "Wheel of Fortune" came back for good? Chuck Woolery, Susan Stafford, top value on the wheel was a measly 500 bucks and you had to spend the "money" you won on worthless crap? Ceramic dogs, Mr. Meat Smoker and the like? Well, I was 4 so I don't, but that's not my point anyway. My POINT (and I'm not there yet, but bear with me, I will eventually) is that here it is, almost a quarter of a century later, the money values have changed, the categories have changed, both hosts have changed, we've gone from morning to evening, but the Wheel prevails. "Wheel of Fortune" is still one of the most popular shows in syndication in the United States. And WHY? Here we get close to the point.
On "Wheel of Fortune," they don't necessarily pick the best and brightest of contestants - I'm sure you've noticed this. If you're watching the show at home, YOU have figured out the answer to the puzzle approximately fifteen spins ahead of the contestants, who can, seemingly EONS later than you, furrow their brows as if they STILL don't have a clue what the answer is, when it's completely obvious, right under their collective noses, standing out like dayglo at a Goth get-together. So why do we keep watching the show? Smug superiority can be assumed towards the contestants, one, and two, we like being proven right in the end when Vanna FINALLY displays that last letter.
"Wheel of Fortune" booking is when the end of the story is given away to the loyal viewers at home, but NOBODY on the show has a clue what's happening and sometimes, they don't even make any reference to it, if only to show how cluess they actually are. WCW does this all the time, but they don't mean to - the commentators are too busy to pick up on subtle things happening in the ring; thus, they are lost when it comes to explaining things that you and I saw a mile away, causing us to get ANGRY and scream at the television "What, are you BLIND?". The WWF, on the other hand, uses this technique to reward loyal viewers who pick up every niggly little piece of crap detail, which is why they put them in there in the FIRST place. This is one of the things that makes watching WWF television Time Well Spent - even if the PPV is a dog and clearly not worth the dough, you can still glean enough little bits from it that it makes watching the next night's RAW a little bit extra special - because you're IN on it, and it's FUN to sit back and let it unfold, thinking to yourself "hey, how cool am I? *I* know what's going to happen and I'll bet a lot of people out there have no idea - hell, the COMMENTATORS don't! Aren't they stupid?" The trick being that Vince & Vince et al have tricked you - they WANT you to think you're smarter than the average better when you and I are, in reality, as marky as any of those people we would look down at and call "marks." That's why you don't hear me putting down people like that (usually), 'cause they get ALL our money in the end, so what's the use? Anyway, "Wheel of Fortune" booking. Think about it.
Take last night - if you are a shrewd viewer and an "educated" (I won't say "smart," ha) fan, you already had an inkling of what was going to happen tonight even though Michael Cole went so far as to make NO reference to events as they happened even up until that point where all was revealed. Some of you know what I'm talking about already; the rest of you, read on...take my hand if it's not too threatening... and it will all come together.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
If it was a PPV last night, we must have some stills TONIGHT! With TV-14 box in tow, we see the saga of Mr. McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin, from the beginning of the Royal Rumble to the end. When all was said and done, the winner of the Rumble was ... Mr. McMahon. Lawler, who has recently contracted Schiavone's Disease, proclaims the night "the greatest night in the history of the World Wrestling Federation."
The greatest opening credits in the history of Monday Night RAW
LIVE from the AmericaWest ("come fly with me") Arena in Phoenix, AZ 25.1.99 it's RAW IS WAR! Michael King Cole is already losing his voice and Jerry the King Lawler sits next door. It's closed captioned for the hearing impaired (eh?) and also en espanol donde sea disponible (through the kind courtesy of Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich - oh yeah, I finally saw "Los SuperAstros" for the first time, remind me to talk about THAT show sometime - hey, how come none of those guys were in the Royal Rumble anyway? I mean, you have THIRTY spots, come on, put at least ONE guy in there, wouldja?)
Anyway, we are cut off by the CORPORATION in the ring - and a proud Shane introduces VINCENT K., who comes to the ring to the "No Chance in Hell" theme - Test and Boss Man quickly put the owner on their shoulders. "I'm goin' to WrestleMania!" Cascading boos. "I came - I saw - I kicked Stone Cold's ASS!" Gotta love that rasp. "However I wasn't the only total and absolute victor at the Royal RUmble - there was someone else. Someone who made Mankind say, no no, someone who made Mankind SCREAM 'I quit! I quit!' Give it up for the new WWF Champion - give it up for THE RRRRRROCK!" Just to show my appreciation, Rock, I want to thank you Rock, and since you came to ringside, right there, during the Royal Rumble match, and you personally saw me throw Stone Cold Steve Austin singlehandedly over the top - you know that bounty I was talking about? you know what I'm going to do for you to show my appreciation, tonight, Rock, the one hundred thousand dollars from Shane McMahon's trust fund is going to go to you IN CASH." Did Shane look a little less than pleased? "However, a well-informed source told me that you didn't get much rest last night. A well-informed source..." Asshole chant. "I know you were out celebrating all night, but I was told once you went to bed last night, and you took that WWF title, and you laid it here on the side, I was told all of a sudden you pulled the covers up and you sat right up in a cold sweat because it dawned on you 'Oh my God! That means, I'm going to WrestleMania, but that means I have to defend the WWF title against Vince McMahon!' So, Rock, I don't want you to be intimidated, I don't want you to have to live with that kind of weight on your shoulders, so therefore, last night I signed it, I filed it this morning, papers that indeed removes me as the #1 Contender - I waive all rights and privliges as the #1 Contender to face you at WrestleMania, however - however, I reserve the right at the appropriate time to single-handedly name the person that you will be facing at WrestleMania. Now, Austin, Stone Cold I told you there was NO CHANCE IN HELL of you winning the Royal Rumble. And quite frankly, Austin, as far as I'm concerned, you will never ever step into the ring with the WWF Champion, much less myself, because you know what Stone Cold? You've simply run out of chances, Austin." This, of course, leads to STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN appearing on the TitanTron "via satellite - San Antonio, TX" - hey, Wheel of Fortune booking! Who ELSE is in San Antonio? Austin announces that he'll be goin' to WrestleMania to wrestle the champion - the camera pulls back to reveal COMMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS - "I'm healing damn well, aren't I? Stone Cold - mi casa, su casa." There's a plug for MIKE! THEY READ MICASA! Austin and Michaels are both drinking Silver Bullets ("I appear via satellite on live television and you give me LIGHT beer?") Michaels reminds us that he's commissioner, and he and Austin have been checking the WWF rulebook (whereupon he produces a bottle of Jack Daniels - oops) and it appears that if the winner of the Royal Rumble is unable OR UNWILLING to appear at WrestleMania, the runner-up gets the #1 Contender's status. Okay, Austin needs to stop grinning, and Vince needs to stop gulping like a ham. I probably need to stop bitching, too, but screw that. Austin says that he has a proposition for McMahon - he'll put his title shot at WrestleMania on the line, but only in a match with the Chairman of the Board. Somewhere in here, he calls the Rock "queer-headed" as well as "square-headed." Austin says that since he has no problem beating Vince in a straight wrestling match, he proposes a cage match - winner is the first one over the top of the cage, so a chicken like Vince will have no problem running around and over the top. It takes Austin's speculation about Vince's balls to provoke an answer, which, of course, is "yes." Austin guarantees that he'll whup his ass and so on. Michaels mugs until they zoom in to get him out of the shot.
The pair of Kings are ALREADY looking forward to St. Valentine's Day Massacre (in your house), and they have to be, because it's only THREE WEEKS AWAY! Tonight, though, a tag team title match!
Royal Rumble encore ad. That one spot was kinda - well, it wasn't exactly "shocking" despite...no, never mind. Encore is TOMORROW!
Backstage, we see an armoured car arrive at the arena. Must be carrying a hundred G's, you know.
Western Union presents WWF St. Valentine's Day Massacre!
GOLDUST v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN (with Triple H & Chyna) - before the match, Triple H grabs the mic and challenges the Rock to a title match tonight, "I Quit" rules. Triple H is the first guy to (finally!) speculate that maybe Mankind DIDN'T quit last night. Somehow, he manages to make the challenge without using the word "sac." Goldust attacks at the bell while Billy's back is turned. Poundin' away, reversal, nope, uppercut. Head to the apron. To the corner, more punches, immediately set up for Shattered Dreams. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda blocks the way - Gunn with a punch as the ref is moved aside. Hey, there's Head! Didn't see Goldust bringing it to the ring with him. As Goldust flies out of the ring, his music starts up again - the pyro goes off again - the stage is bathed in blue light and the TitanTron shows BLUE MEANIE - and sure enough, out he comes as Bluedust, doing a pretty good Bizzare impersonation. Gunn is rolled up but only 2. Hmm...Bluedust has the head, there's a Head shot. Gunn hits a piledriver - 1, 2, 3. Huh. (2:01) Bluedust walks off with Head, making Goldust mannerisms all along the way. I guess we'll NEVER know why Goldust stole Head in the FIRST place. Oh, and Gunn's ankle doesn't look hurt at all, yup.
Mankind arrives at the arena! Why? Maybe we'll find out after this.
wwf.com spot - they are NOT Mac-friendly, by the way. At least everything involving Microsoft NetShow isn't...so no ByteTHIS! for me...
Wow, TWO minutes of wrestling in the first half hour! Now that's sports ENTERTAINMENT!
WCW/NWO THUNDER! for the PlayStation ad. Hmmm...that guy looks JUST like Austin
The WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT, is the fall from the loge to the "electrical circuit board" by Mankind. That spot didn't do it for me, by the way - sorry Mick.
Stills from last night's WWF title match - electrical circuit board, handcuffs, chairshots, oh my! The Rock is your 2-time champ.
THE ODDITIES are in the ring when who should appear but THE ROCK. Hey, that IS a nice shirt. "Now, before the Rock checks all four of your goofy asses into the Smackdown hotel - show some respect for the WWF Champ, hit the road before the Rock lays the smack down on all four of your candy asses!" I have to say, it takes a pretty big set to threaten Kurrgan, Golga, Silva AND Steele all at the same time. Of course, some refs help out too. "You can chant your 'Rocky sucks' all you want, but FINALLY the Great One is the Champ again!" Rock says he'll go one-on-one with his rooty poot candy ass. (Ok, he probably is saying "rudy poo" but I still remember when - oh, who was it? Downtown Bruno? - said "rooty poot" and that's how I'll probably ALWAYS hear it) He reminds us that it was Chyna that helped Triple H score the gold last time they tangled, and that won't happen tonight. I like how he takes a smell between the time he says "the millons" and "and millions of the Rock's fans."
Backstage, Mankind asks the security guards standing at the armoured car if they've seen his sock - then he jumps both of them and knocks them out. He grabs a bag of cash and walks out to the stage...
MANKIND appears at the top of the walkway as his music plays. "Why don't we give a nice round of applause to the Rock, as he's got my belt. While we're at it, give me a hand too, 'cause I've got his money! Now I gotta tell you, that outfit looks terrible -" and then he tosses some money to the crowd. "This is for piano lessons!" Hey, there's no WAY that's the whole $100,000 - it's not heavy enough. ESPECIALLY seeing as those are tens. Lawler: "Wha - a hundred thousand dollars in ten dollar bills?" Good for you, King! Foley is wearing a nice bandage on his head and the same WWF Superstar tie he was wearing last night. Mankind says he doesn't remember saying "I quit" last night, so he went to the fine folks in Production and put together a little set of clips to 'splain it to us.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's Heat (which should air LIVE at 4 on my coast, DAMMIT), where Mankind talks to Shane, saying that the Rock will be screaming "I quit, I quit, I QUIT!!!" Shane responds with "Thank you very much for those kind words!" Further clips from the Rumble show Mankind failing to quit when the Rock asks him to. (Notice that we DO hear the Rock say "I quit" while asking Mankind to say it - oops) Again, we cut to a clip of the Rock asking Mankind to say "I quit" (while saying it himself) - this time followed by Mankind's voice over the PA. "Now what the hell, Rock, do you think these people are stupid? Don't those words sound identical to the words I said on Heat?" Cole falls over himself to say "I KNEW IT KING I KNEW IT! MICK FOLEY NEVER SAID 'I QUIT!'" Umm, Cole, you *never* said you thought that ONCE until now. Loser. Foley tosses another fistful of tens into the crowd. Mankind decides that the perfect remedy for this situation is a special challenge match during halftime of "the big game" (because you CAN'T say "Super Bowl" for some reason) - in FACT, he'd like an empty arena match (Peter Wolf comes to mind - your hip 80's reference for the week) for Halftime Heat. Rock accepts, 'cause he wants the money, I guess. "Have a nice day!"
IF HEAT ISN'T LIVE AT 4, THE FANS ON THE WEST COAST MISS OUT ON IMPORTANT STORY POINTS WHEN THEY WATCH THE PPV AT 5. Got it, WWF? Got it, USA Network? DAMN, how hard can this BE to figure out? Run the friggin' movie an hour later on the west coast, let IT fill out the 7 o'clock hour on PPV weekends. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. Throw some water on me now. Whew, I needed that.
Halftime Heat promo - during halftime of the Big Game! Hopefully even on MY coast. Rotten heartless USA Network bastards.
THE ODDITIES are *again* in the ring. Tonight, "I Quit" match! Err, if Triple H should win, what does that do to Sunday? MIDIAN comes out with a jar of something, promising that Evil will come again tonight...oh boy. DROZ walks to the ring (with his old music, hmm) asking the Animal to send the rest of the Oddities back to the back so he can kick his hairy ass. Oh boy again.
GEORGE STEELE v. THE DROZ - No senior citizens tour here! Steele bites the bicep. Droz is in his old outfit of plaid shorts, too... Steele with the spike to the throat. Steele bites the turnbuckle. Droz takes the Animal's head to the exposed steele and gets the pinfall (:48). Now he's still beating on George. Now he's pushing away referee "Blind" Theodore Long. Jim Korderas bites the dust. See ya, Mike Chioda. Now the ODDITIES decide they'd better run out and Droz skips the ring. I guess we have an official reintroduction and heel turn. Hey, where's them Legion of Doom guys I've heard so much about? Where's Paul Ellering for that matter? Where's Rocko? Oh, never mind about that last one...hmm, Rocko, Socko...you ever notice...oh, never mind. I get a little punchy WHEN THERE'S NO DAMN WRESTLING FOR NEARLY AN HOUR, don't I?
"During the Break," Patterson & Brisco feed saltpeter (oh, come ON) to Boss Man and Shamrock to keep them from being seduced by the feminine wiles of one Debra. You know, that bit about saltpeter-induced sexual impotence is an old wives' tale, PLUS, no one my age or younger even has a clue about that old wives' tale to BEGIN with - in fact, how do *I* know that? Maybe Bob Ryder will latch onto this. Oops, I didn't say that. Sorry.
KEVIN KELLY interviews DEBRA, who says that NO MAN can resist her. Then SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY comes into picture and says no *woman* can resist *him* ... then we get away from that, thank God.
BIG BOSS MAN & KEN SHAMROCK v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & OWEN HART (with Debra McLegs) for the Tag Team Championship - Debra's officially lost her last name, I see. Let us take you back the past three weeks to show you the string of victories (3) that have gotten Jarrett & Hart to this title shot, where they should no doubt win. We start with one minute to the hour making this the DEADEST hour of "action" for this show in a LONG while. That gets the WWF a "fuck you." Boss Man doesn't go for Debra at the start despite her leering invites, then punches and gives the big boot to Jarrett. Right hands aplenty. Whip, duck, Jarrett with a back elbow, dropkick, but Shamrock pulls him away as Jarrett tries to straddle him, getting the ropes instead. Boss Man with atomic drop, punch, patented baseball-slide-uppercut combo. "Nugget" chant. Slam for 2. Hey, aren't both teams heels here? I guess the tits factor SHOULD make Hart & Jarrett de facto faces, ja? Jarrett sidesteps a charging Boss Man, tags Hart, and there's the double clothesline. Hart stomping away - a little early for the Sharpshooter? Boss Man powers away with the legs, punch, tag, Shamrock with the kneelift. Kick to the head. Another kick. Debra blows kisses - ooh, too close a closeup! Shamrock kisses off Debra and whips Owen, who ducks the kick and hits his Ghetto Blaster for 2. Clothesline ducked, Shamrock hits the Russian legsweep for 2. Another big kick from Shamrock. Jarrett whispers to Debra on the outside while Shamrock punches. Whip is reversed, nice powerslam by Hart but only 2. HUGE spinning heel kick! Hart to the top rope - dropkick hits nothing but air. Debra on the apron - blazer is unbuttoned! Shamrock with a belly-to-belly. Now the top is off - crowd likes it anyway, but Shamrock shakes his head and applies the anklelock. Jarrett is quickly in to break it up. Boss Man comes in and takes Jarrett out. Referee "Blind" Tim White turns to face these two while BLUE BLAZER comes out and waffles Shamrock with the geetar. Hart covers, White turns around - 1, 2, 3!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (4:39) Well, THAT was interesting. Most notably because THIS Blue Blazer is quite the black chap. My first thought was Koko B. Ware but I don't think ANY of us wants THAT. Actually, that would be pretty cool. Isn't this like Owen's third tag title, each time with a different partner? Steve Austin and Mick Foley each did that too, you know. Your trivia for the week. Lawler calls him "the Black & Blue Blazer," ooh where's my lawyer, I'm being damaged from all this racism. Kevin Kelly interviews the ecstatic champs at the top of the ramp - Hart celebrates his vindication - "I'm not the Blue Blazer!" - and Jarrett says they did exactly what they said they'd do, and that's become Champions. Shamrock throws a tantrum outside the ring and we're out.
You know what's cool? After almost a month of not seeing the Blue Blazer, YES, I was surprised to see him again. You can tell 'cause I forgot to make a Blue Blazer joke at the beginning of that last match! That's got all the skill of fly fishing there - they hooked me AGAIN. I *love* the WWF, even though...
65 minutes of show - appx. 8 minutes of wrestling - all I'm saying
SKIPPY comes out to his Jan Hammer theme, accompanied by the ASSOCIATES as we officially turn the hour with the credits and TV-14 box and just a smidge more of not wrestling. "Kane, boy have you been screwing up lately!" Shane's story is that even though he defied the Corporation last week, he made his apology to Mr. McMahon last night, so come on out and let's do it again in public. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE comes out and complies. "Kane, seriously, I didn't hear that." Kane complies a second time. "Hey Kane, hold on one second. THAT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH, OH NO, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEE AND APOLOGISE." Shane's doing his Vince imitation here, and durnit, not that bad a job. A third time Kane manipulates the voicebox into an apology. Shane says THAT isn't good enough and demands an apology from BOTH knees, but before that can happen, X-P-A-C (Mexico's #1 hit music station! Pruebala ya!) comes to the ring and asks Kane how much longer he's gonna take this crap from these idiots. Then he invites Kane into DX (huh?) and then he says something that the censor won't let me hear, but I believe it involves the word "asshole" and a challenge, but just when you thinking something's gonna happen, Kane grabs him and chokeslams him. Then Shane asks Kane to drag him to the corner so - yeah, you know it's coming - Shane hits the broncobuster on X-Pac - a little retribution there. Kane's back in the fold - AGAIN - and I guess this is the "slow burn" on that turn - unlike the pyro that sets the turnbuckles ablaze.
WrestleMania countdown - 10 weeks - M&M's taste good
"During the Break" footage shows D-GENERATION X rushing the ring and taking it out on the Associates while Shane & Kane made their getaway. Of COURSE Patterson took a shot in the nuts, need you ask? WHY are you asking anyway? Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as X-Pac got dismantled. I mean really, the Corporation can put you in the nuthouse, and DX can't get you out. Who are YOU gonna choose?
Paul Bearer talks to the Ministry. Huh?
Castrol Motor Oily, 1-800-CALL-ATT and WWF: The Music, Volume 3 (buy at NRM!) bring you RAW IS WAR!
Earlier today, Terri made D'Lo Brown walk into a local Walgreen's and buy Kotex, because D'Lo promised he'd help her out for killing her unborn child. Of course, they have the hilarious thousand deciBel price check request, then - in a delicious slice of irony - D'Lo is RECOGNISED by the alert checker.
Coming up - Val Venis' new flick. Err, that was an unfortunate choice of words. "Sister Act?" Say, who knows where this is goin'? I'll bet it doesn't involve wrestling!
VAL VENIS makes his way to the ring and says "Hello, ladies!" and some other stuff. Tonight, a special look behind the scenes at his new movie "Saving Ryan's Privates." Still the screen says "Sister Act: Starring: KEN SHAMROCK'S SISTER" Yeah, she doesn't have a name of her own. "Hello, Kenny! Sorry for being a little indisposed right now, but you see Dr. Venis is about to - uhhh - scrub up. You know, I'm about to make my latest video flick entitled 'Saving Ryan's Privates' - uhhhh - " and then he enters the shower where - yup - Ken Shamrock's sister is in there. I guess her name is Ryan? Oh, wait, there's a MATCH too! I didn't expect THAT tonight!
VAL VENIS v. TEST - Venis with lots rights, a knee to the gut, whip, hangs on, another knee to the gut, side Russian legsweep, bump'n'grind, lotsa rights, whip, reverse, big boot by Test, this IS as exciting as it sounds. Sleeper is powered out, off the ropes, spinebuster. Right, right, right, clothesline is ducked and Test throws him over the top rope where KING KEN SHAMROCK is rapidly approaching. There's a chairshot, and he's thrown back in where Test applies the Problem Solver - errr, Meltdown - errr, what's HE calling it? for the pin. (1:26) Beatdown is swiftly applied until BILLY GUNN comes in to take out both men. Test and Shamrock walk off, and I guess Shamrock's dance card is filled through WrestleMania with these two guys, isn't it? Hold the phone - Venis spins Gunn around and asks why Gunn waffled him with the chair. Gunn tries to explain but Venis attacks the ankle from behind, a few snapmares, a few punches, a whip and a lariat, and now Gunn's ankle is hurt yet again.
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by Western Union! (No, not literally) Austin makes a neat donut with his truck, then demolishes some cars with a Limonator - from last night's Heat.
ROAD DOGG & AL SNOW v. GANGREL & EDGE (with a burning ring o' far) in a Hardcore Rules match - Dogg & Snow position themselves under the stage with fire extinguishers - yeah! They're gonna ambush them as they come up through the stage! That's pretty funny. They fight on the stage and now they down to the floor - Dogg & Edge pair up as Snow planchas off the stage ladder onto Gangrel - trashcan, ok. Quickly we're backstage for this anything goes match. Cookie sheet shot! Punch! Repeat! Can't really do play by play with this kinda match...the Broodmates gain the advantage, whipping both men into a metal door, then squash them with a dumpster - dumpster doors closed on their heads. Now we're to another part of the stage. Snow is doing his Shinobi with a steel pole - now Gangrel's got it. Dogg is using a particle board on Edge. There's an oil barrel. Dogg & Snow placed on a gurney, which goes nowhere. To the buffet table - Snow throws a tray of silverware on Gangrel - chairshot on Edge. Gangrel takes a chair to Snow, then to Dogg. Gangrel places Dogg on a table, then wrecks the buffet so he can climb up to a countertop - then hit a cannonball on the table (which doesn't break, but the leg DOES give out. Meanwhile, Edge and Snow have dueling chairs. Now Edge and Snow have reversed a whip, going through (not really) ANOTHER table and now they're all in the ladies' room - we see some ho's scatter. This is the WWF! They emerge, Snow with a toilet seat around his head. The Brood in control - now the other two turn the tide - they're climbing some conveniently placed cases - now BLUEDUST has appeared at the top of the screen - handing Snow Head - Head shot and all four men tumble through a conveniently placed table at the bottom (or is it a pile of styrofoam?) - Road Dogg covers Gangrel and Snow covers Edge - 1, 2, 3. (5:46) Eh.
Paul Bearer and Undertaker talk to the other folks. Hey, look, there's Mabel! Remember him? Ha ha ha.
Kevin Kelly talks to Al Snow & Road Dogg, who take turns telling each other they're hardcore. Snow asks for another Hardcore Title shot, and Dogg says he's got himself a deal - then the Ministry of Darkness demolishes both men, with liberal use of the RAW is WAR oil barrels and the cyclone fence. The camera view pans over to see Undertaker sitting on his throne with a burning barrel on either side. "This - will be a holy war - of epic proportion..." A HUH? I hope to GOD this is selling MILLIONS of comic books 'cause it ain't getting any money out of ME.
Royal Rumble encore ad.
Well, there was NOTHING in that last segment so it must be the last commerical break. Guess so, it's time for
TRIPLE H (with Chyna) v. THE ROCK for the WWF Championship in an "I Quit" rules match - so is the Rock gonna wrestle in those warmups from now on? I guess he got tired of people making fun of his breasts (not that *I* was one of those people, mind you) They trade punches before the bell, Triple H gets the better of him and he slides out of the ring - back in, Rock tries to attack but Triple H ducks, there's a high knee, punch, punch, to the corner, ten punch count along, with a crotch chop after nine and before ten. Punch, Rock punches back, another right from the Rock, another righ. Whip off the ropes, reversed, Triple H takes him over the top rope. Baseball slide dropkick. Rock decides to walk away from this match, H and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner (mic in hand) follow. THey're brawling up the rampway - Triple H with rights. Where's Chyna? Rock comes back and takes his head to the scaffolding. Stomp. "Rocky sucks" chant. Whip, reverse, short clothesline. H asks for Rock to say it, Rock says "monkey ass" so H hits him with the mic, with the shots reverberating throughout the arena. Heads to the STEEL stage. There's the "punch me and I'll roll down the ramp" spot. Head to the STEEL steps. Triple H is taking the Rock around to the other corner - but they don't use those steps. Another right. Rock grabs Triple H and pulls him into the timekeeper's table. Rock takes Cole's headset and the mic and - did he call him "half gay?" He DID say "rooty poot" again (or "Rudy Poo," fine) - Triple H fires back as Lawler loses HIS headset, now he's whipped over the barricade. Rock comes back - megaphone shot! Punches and heads to the barricade, now he has an extension cord and he's choking him around with it. Again he asks the Rock to say it, and only gets a "monkey crap" in return. What IS it with the Rock and monkeys, anyway? Back over the barricade for both men. Whip into the *unforgiving* STEEL steps. One more stairs shot. Triple H grabs the bell AND the hammer - before he can use the bell, though, Rock hits a gutshot and a DDT. Rock takes the bell and places it on his face - he's got the hammer - it's time for the Corporate Elbow! But instead it's a hammer shot on the bell. Chyna watches on as the Rock says "I quit" while asking Triple H to say it. Triple H says "Suckiiiiit!" and the crowd digs it. Whip, head down, H takes his head to his knee. Pedigree! "C'mon, Great One! Nah, you know what, I'm not done" and he tosses him out of the ring and takes out a cameraman in the process. Pedigree ON THE FLOOR! "C'mon, Rock! Make my monkey ass famous! Nah, you know what? I'M NOT DONE." Crowd is rabid. Is this really TRIPLE H they're cheering? As Rock is set up on the English announce table for *another* Pedigree, THE CORPORATION is out and Kane has Chyna in the center of the ring in chokeslam position - hey, look at her ass! - while Boss Man says unless H gives it up, Chyna's neck will be broken. Triple H reluctantly says "I quit" (9:09) and they put her down. While Team Corporate checks out the Rock, Kane stays on the apron - Triple H turns to face Kane and it looks like THEY'RE going to go at it. Holy crap! Chyna just GOLOTTAS Triple H. He can't believe it, and neither can I. She shoves him down and the beatdown is on from the four members of the Corporate Team. Now the THREE MUSKETEERS and SKIPPY walk down the ramp as Rocky, just off headset, screams that Chyna has joined the corporation! And, as first Shane, and then Vince embrace her, it appears that that certainly is the case.
NOW can I call her a slut? After all, you can't spell SELLOUT without them four letters!
Oh yeah - Halftime Heat? Rock/Mankind? Let me remind you of this. That ad time the WWF bought - remember, where Mankind was holding the belt and all that? That'll air in the third quarter. That's AFTER halftime, my friends. All's I'm saying....could mean nothin'. Uh huh. Anything can happen in the WWF and all that. Yup.
Halftime's what, about 12 minutes?
They'll need 4 or 5 for interviews...
I don't know, it might suck. But I hope not.
What else you gonna watch during halftime anyway? I'm pretty sure Glora Estafan and Stevie Wonder have BOTH already done halftime.
Okay, that's it.
I'm done for this week.
(Long enough? See why the Nitro report is gonna be late?)