/1 February 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Nate Brasher offers: Just thought I'd point something
out that you didn't bring up in your (excellent, BTW) reports. The
hardcore rules tag match between Snow/Dogg and the Brood took place, in
its entirety, while the intros to the Horsemen/NWO tag match were STILL
HAPPENING. Interesting, no?
And from Bob Morris, something to make us ALL think:I noticed something about the Ministry of Darkness...isn't it amazing how you can compare them to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Observe...
Mabel = Fat Albert (duh)
You decide whether the parallels fit or not. Take care.
Brrrrr, that sends shivers up my spine - something that the Undertaker HASN'T done for a durn long time...
DISCLAIMER: I'm sick. I WANT to do a good job, but I keep falling unconscious and stuff.
LAST NIGHT: Clips from the Halftime Heat match make it actually look much better than it was if you happened to be watching it Sunday (which, thanks to the magic of DSS at Joe's house, we did, DESPITE being on the EVIL West Coast Where USA Does Not Care To Deliver On Their Promises The Dumb Bastards) oh and it's rated TV-14. GOD Halftime Heat sucked. Rick pretty much covered it (which is a surprise for such a blatant shill like Rick - just kidding Rick) so I won't repeat what he said - well maybe later. Oh boy, they kept in the AWFUL forkliftcam shot. I'd really rant about that if I wasn't sick. Excuses, excuses.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
"Earlier tonight" clip has Shane explaining to Test, Bossman and Shamrock (and us, the loyal nutcase viewers) that Vince is off to Tejas to find Stone Cold Steve Austin, so he's running things tonight. He asks where Kane is, and the three respond that they don't travel with the man 'cause he's freaky or something. Test suggests Midol? Shane says they don't share half a brain which causes minor umbrage. Then he walks to the ring, stopping to pound on Chyna's dressing room door. On the way out, Bossman stops to call the PMS, who HAPPEN to be passing by, (beep)es. This is the same guy that slobbers all over Debra, mind you.
Opening credits, complete with closed captioned logo and confusing shot of Road Warrior Hawk
We are NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in - what, Phoenix? I think so. It's 1.2.99 (taped 26.1) and en espanol donde sea disponible. It takes Cole about five seconds to throw "sports entertainment" in my face.
SKIPPY, KING KEN SHAMROCK, BIG BOSSMAN and TEST walk to the ring as we learn that Vince is off to Victoria to make Austin strike him so as to wipe out the contract, thanks to that clause we've been hearing so much about lately. Shane says that his name isn't X-Pac, it's McMahon, so he doesn't need the backup, and asks the Corporate folks to go ahead and go to the back while he gives his speech. Tonight, Vince is on "special assignment" to head to Victoria and "prevoke" Austin. Huh? If, by some weird happenstance, Austin DOESN'T get fired tonight, it's a steel cage match between Stone Cold and Mr. McMahon at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Anyway, while the father is away, the son will make the matches, and tonight, in the cage (conveniently loweing), Triple H will take on Kane. Oops, looks like X-P-A-C (Pruebala, ya!) is on top of the cage and Shane doesn't know about it! Shane actually is ready to go, removes his coat and eats a flurry of punches. Backstage, the Corporate folks are battling with the rest of DX so they're not gonna save him; however, THAT SLUT CHYNA appears to have finally left her dressing room. She's now wearing silver instead of black, just to look even MORE the tramp. Shame on you! Anyway, X-Pac doesn't strike when he has the chance, and gets a Golotta for his troubles. Chyna holds the Kid for Shane, who gets in several shots. Now Chyna is playing Mommy, apparently, embracing Shane and making him feel all better (which she could probably do REAL well, huh huh huh).
Clips from various papers and shows talk about how great the WWF Super Bowl commercial was.
And here it is. I have to admit I got a little tingly when I saw a referee (Shane?) walk by in dark glasses and white cane, and thought maybe, just MAYBE, that could have filtered up from li'l ol me. NAAH.
"Via Satellite - Victoria, Texas" - VINCENT K. calls to his two Stooges, who make their dramatic appearance in cowboy outfits. Vince says that he "knows how to handle these people." Walking up to a bar, Vince calls to "toots" and asks if she's seen Steve Austin. She says "reckon not," which allows Vince to pull the asshole routine - a baseball bat is brandished so McMahon walks off. Brisco has a lasso! So like, they're carrying that satellite in their BACKPACK, right? Arrr, not tonight.
KING KEN SHAMROCK saunters down to ringside to join the commentary team of Michael King Cole and Jerry the King Lawler - hey, trips in Kings! We see some clips from Val Venis' "Sister Act" to remind us that Venis took a shower with Ken's sister last week.
BAD(D) ASS BILLY GUNN v. VAL VENIS - Shamrock is not as bad at commentary as you might expect, but it doesn't help when Lawler is constantly needling him to go whup some pornstar ass in the ring. The story is that Shamrock totally domineers over every aspect of his sister's life, never letting her date ANYBODY, all adult movies should be banned, and so forth. Venis offers the Hand of Friendship, Gunn moons Venis. It's all downhill from here. On the plus side, this match features more wrestling than last night's title match. Ken promised his sister that he wouldn't lay a hand on Venis (tho' he says "her" at first) and he's true to his word - until, after seeing a bump'n'grind, he rushes the ring with a chair to take out Venis, hitting him with the wrong end of the chair (ouch!). Unfortunately, while Venis is out from this shot, Gunn comes to, takes Shamrock out of the ring, and grabs the chair. Of course, Val turns around and sees Gunn with a chair, and now it's two weeks in a row that these two guys are gonna have problems. (DQ 4:55)
Mankind still has the Rock's money - he asks to rent Max Mini. Who's he asking, the slavemaster? That's racist! Anyway, $487 will get you Max Mini for three days. Direct all inquiries to Titan Towers. I believe this is the first SuperAstros crossover to reach RAW.
WCW/NWO THUNDER! for the PlayStation ad in this block.
The Rock bitches about Mankind spending his money to McMahon, who appears in a split-screen. McMahon stares at a steerhead on a wall. This is supposed to be funny.
KEVIN KELLY brings out DEBRA for an interview. She says something about Wonderbras and leg oil. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY appears and hits on Debra again, offering a rose. Double entendres are exchanged, then HART & JARRETT come out to offer the beatdown. You suppose Henry & Brown might become the next contenders for the Tag Team Titles?
Mankind offers financial advice to Kurrgan. This is probably hilarious to everybody but me. Mankind gives some of the Rock's money to the Oddity, who says "Jeepers!"
Let Us Take You Back to Last Month where Terri Runnels Acts Badly
Western Union brings you WWF: St. Valentine's Day Massacre!
WHO IS THAT GUY? HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR...OH WAIT, I KNOW WHO THAT IS! and PMS comes out to the ring. Brown wants to know how long this crap is going to go on (Me too, brutha) Terri says she'd like D'Lo to take on the Big Bossman as retribution for the (beep)es comment made at the top of the show. Brown is unhappy that Terri has offered Bossman a chance to become D'Lo's (beep) tonight.
DAMN, WHY CAN'T I RECOGNISE THAT GUY (with PMS) v. BIG BOSSMAN - D'Lo tries to explain that he really doesn't want this match, but Bossman won't have any of it. It's all Bossman, while Terri & Jackie exchange toothy grins on the outside. There's the Bossman straddle! There's the Bossman baseball slide uppercut! Brown comes back and takes over. That standing legdrop is pretty cool. Second rope forearm from Brown, 2 count. Bossman comes back briefly but Brown throws Bossman off the top rope. He sets up for the frog splash as the Sistas get up on the apron. Brown counts his own 3 count but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is still checking out Terri's breasts - Brown gets up to ask what's what and if they recognise him, Bossman pops up and hits the sidewalk slam and scores the pinfall. (3:46) Now it's time for Hard Time, baby! Multiple nightstick shots until SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY comes out to save his partner. Somewhere in here a Venis/Shamrock IC title match was announced for the PPV.
Via mini-sat from Victoria, Patterson hits on a random Tejan. What's unusual is that the Tejan in question is female. "You look purtier than a spotted puppy!" She knees him in the groin, so we've had our brush with Patterson's testicles for the night (hopefully). Vince appears and tells his fellow Musketeers that he's got a bead on Austin, let's ROLL! The TJ Hooker theme starts up and we take an ad break.
Starburst Fruit Chews presents the WWF Crotch Shot of the Week - Chyna's Golotta on Triple H to turn on her man and join Team Corporate.
Hey look, it's the RAW boy! Fortunately, BLUE MEANIE'S dance routine doesn't last long, as GOLDUST attacks from behind, rains down the punches and slaps, and there's the Shattered Dreams. Why did Goldust want Al Snow's Head anyway? And why is he so pissed off the Meanie stole it back? Meanie holds his crotch, har har.
Backstage, Brown is getting worked over by the doctor while Henry rants and raves about how it isn't really Brown's fault - a pregnant woman doesn't belong at the ringside anyway. The doctor says "Terri Reynolds?" and we FINALLY learn that I was right all along - Terri was NEVER pregnant. Brown is less than thrilled to learn about this development, although he makes ALL the Internet fans sport wood when he talks about "kayfabe-in' me" to the Doc.
If this show is kids' programming, what's up with the VCF ad?
KURRGAN (with Golga & Giant Silva) v. DROZ - George Steele is still suffering from that relentless attack from Droz of last week. Droz won't get in the ring until the other two Oddities are out to the back. Rock and Shamrock appear on "That 70's Show" Sunday on Fox. Also, we learn that the Royal Rumble set new PPV records (they don't say what, but oh well) and the WWF kicks Mike Tyson's ass, or something. Fortunately, I know no one will miss play-by-play on a Kurrgan match - *I* miss the Jackyl. Anyway, Kurrgan clotheslines Droz to the outside, where he finds a conveniently placed broomstick, which meets Kurrgan's throat unbeknownst to referee "Blind" Theodore Long. Top rope shoulderblock and that's all she wrote. (1:53) Droz continues to put the boots to Kurrgan until the rest of the Oddities come back to make the save. Whatever happened to the Legion of Doom?
Later tonight, the Cage! And Undertaker will do something sucky!
Via mini-sat - Victoria, Tejas - the Three Musketeers enjoy some brisket - well, McMahon doesn't. So he does the asshole bit - a waitress is called over and Brisco yells and shouts until the waitress dumps some beans on his head. Har, har.
The throne is in place, the fires lit, the purple light bathing the ramp, must be time for UNDERTAKER to come out and not wrestle. We are told that there's a 6-man tonight, but Undertaker will just sit back and watch his men instead.
America (ha!) Online, 1-800-CALL-ATT and WWF: The Music (Volume 3) [buy it at NRM] brings you tonight's big show!
UNDERTAKER & MIDEON & VISCERA (with Paul Bearer) v. BROOD (with a Burning Ring o' Far) - we turn the hour here. Viscera is Mabel, by the way. The Brood (TV-14) walk right by the Undertaker, okay. That CD is #24 on the Billboard Top 200 this week - *I* can't believe it either! Undertaker's visage can best be described as "stoic." Fairly entertaining match sees the Ministry all over the Brood until the tide is turned, whereupon the ACOLYTES hit the ring (DQ 2:12) to make sure nothing resembling wrestling breaks out. The cartload of officials and referees hit the ring - but the Brood knocks them all out. Why? *shrug* Now the Ministry is back to utterly destroying the Brood. A noose is brought out for Gangrel. Cole calls it a bullrope because he's confused and thinks Bradshaw is Tejan. The noose is white, notes Lawler. Undertaker, who'd walked out earlier, puts a hand on Gangrel's head ("laying hands" says Cole) and then they hang him while the theme plays. "What darkness!" says Cole. "Read my mind!" says Zimmerman. The Undertaker's dirge plays as we notice that everyone in the Brood ain't movin'.
Backstage, Mankind has something for Debra's boobs - a nice sweater. He's afraid she catch a chest cold, see, and...aw fuck it.
9 weeks 'til WrestleMania! Crispy M&M's for everybody!
Same set of clips from last night's Heat match as that which started the show. I'll say this positive about it: it was kinda nice to hear ol' Vinnie Mac doing commentary again after all.
MANKIND walks to the ring carrying the WWF Championship belt on his shoulder. FINALLY there's a "Foley" chant in an arena (Lawler accuses it of being a recording, hmm). Before he gets very far with whatever he was going to say, THE ROCK is out on the ramp. "Rocky sucks" chant. Rock goes through every phrase that pays despite apparently nearly losing his voice. The Rock asks for his $97,000 because he knows the phrase that pays. Mankind says he feels pretty bad about that, because it's down to about $72K. Mankind says he changed his mind, and he's really NOT gonna give the cash back. Mankind says, in Rock voice, that he is "the BIGGEST horse's ass in sports entertainment today!" If he wants a rematch, all he has to do is ask. Rock proposes a "Last Man Standing" match. Mankind accepts. There's your main event for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Rock says smell what he's cookin'. This seems to take a long time but maybe it's just me.
Replay of the Super Bowl ad bit. Here's the "alternate" version of that ad.
Via mini-sat, the Musketeers are at a pawn shop - Vince uses his stage whisper to inform Brisco and Patterson (and us viewers) of his plan. He's going to berate Austin, Austin will hit him, then the Associates will jump him. Patterson may have said "you want me to jump him?" but I may be delirious.
After the ad break, they're still at the pawn shop. Brisco still has chili in his hat, by the way. McMahon takes a deep breath - enters the back room - finds a bald guy in an Austin shirt, tweaks the back of his head and calls out the "chicken(beep)" - the guy turns around and it's not Austin - McMahon has to get really humble, really quickly 'cause the redneck wants to know if McMahon's looking for Austin, or a bullet. He DOES tell McMahon where Austin is, though.
ROAD DOGG & AL SNOW (with Head) v. ACOLYTES in a Hardcore Rules match - Dogg FINALLY removes Gunn from his lame intro. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Snow & James were jumped during an interview by Faarooq & Bradshaw. Of course, it starts on the outside, progresses to the commentary table, timekeepers table, and goes downhill from there. Ewww, pencil in the eye on Faarooq by James. Bell shot by Snow on Bradshaw. Chairs aplenty. Western Union brings the Double Feature as a table is set up in the ring. It isn't used, though - everybody's out of the ring and now over the barrier. Cotton candy shot! Beer shot! James put through a table. Snow & Faarooq go outside as James reverses Bradshaw into a table. There's a table outside? Repeated cuts between the pairs makes me dizzy. Snow with the garbage can! Random fan (plant) throws beer on Bradshaw, then eats a right. James and Bradshaw all the way back to the ring. If the words "action adventure" are used by the commentators in a match, it just might suck. VISCERA appears outside and takes Snow through a conveniently place padded table. Meanwhile, Faarooq is back inside and he and Bradshaw are too much for just the Dogg. Bradshaw puts James through a table and there's the pin. (6:40) The rest of the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES is out - Undertaker removes his hood as the Acolytes remove the hoods of the Druids to reveal - the Brood. Everybody makes funny faces.
St. Valentine's Day Massacre promo. Sunday - 14 February! What could be better than to completely avoid that special someone so you can stay home and watch a WWF pay-per-view?
Moments Ago footage shows Viscera putting Snow through a table, and the Acolytes putting Dogg through a table. And the Druids unmasked to show the Brood. During the Break footage shows the Ministry posing for photos. Road Dogg is out looking for Snow.
Now he's found him - and now they're arguing - and now there's a NASTY chairshot on Al Snow. And a less nasty one. I guess they're not friends anymore. But, gosh, they have a Hardcore title match at the upcoming pay-per-view!
Let's look at the cage.
Let's look at the WWF Rewind, brought to you by the Western Union Money Transfer - it's X-Pac and Shane and Chyna from earlier in the show. But I already SEEN it tonight. Whine.
Via mini-sat, Vince has FINALLY found Steve Austin and is giving him the tonguelashing of a lifetime, or something. Austin says he's not gonna hit him in Victoria, Tejas - he's gonna do it when it's nice and legal in the steel cage. Vince says chicken(beep) a few more times and shouts and overacts and Austin AGAIN says he won't hit him tonight - but maybe everybody else in the place would like to show Mr. McMahon "a real good time at my expense." The Musketeers are slowly advanced upon...Lawler says something about Deliverance. I just want it to be OVER.
TRIPLE H v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE in a Steel Cage Match - H does the "Are you ready?" bit, wotta surprise. Two signs in crowd: "VA-" and "CHYNA" You know how these cage matches work - they get SO CLOSE to going out the door, but they always get pulled back into the cage. OVER and OVER and OVER. Then you say to yourself "Gee, it LOOKS like he could get out of the cage" in the time it takes somebody to set up a move. Kane DOES get to make the turnbuckles light on fire about three minutes into the match and suddenly they're wrestling in red light. Now we're back in normal light. Triple H mashed into the cyclone fence but he doesn't bleed. Kane run into the cage but HE doesn't bleed. Kane trying to climb the cage, so Triple H tries to slide out the door - Kane decides to get Triple H, who brings a chair in with him. Chairshot. H with the knee to the face, the ten punch countalong, the boot to the face, but Kane hits a lariat. Kane climbing the cage (why? The door's RIGHT THERE) - Triple H walks over and eats a boot - Kane to the top of the cage, H grabs him and throws him down. Now Triple H is climbing the cage - Kane grabs the leg but H kicks him down. Kane climbs up again and grabs the neck. Top rope chokeslam? Nope, H crotches him on the top rope instead. Now Triple H rams his head into the side of the cage. High knee into the cage. Kick to the gut, pedigree - nope - Kane back bodydrops him into the wall of the cage. Chokeslam! I'm pretty sure we're out of time here...SOMETHING'S gotta happen. Kane to the door - X-PAC is out and SLAMMING the cage door onto Kane. Damn, that looks brutal. Both men down. Kane with the zombie situp. Kane climbing the cage - X-Pac climbing the cage and meeting him up top. Kane is bleeding profusely here somehow. Meanwhile, Triple H is climbging up the opposite corner - THAT SLUT CHYNA bounces out and grabs the leg - Triple H kicks her away and falls to the floor. (12:29) Kane starts to stagger after H and X-Pac but Chyna calls to him to stop. "Let them have their little moment. Listen to me Triple H - this thing between us is NOT gonna go round and round! It's gonna be short, and it's gonna be painful. Two weeks, Triple H - St. Valentine's Day Massacre! Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart!"
Final thought (that would have been expanded in great detail had I not been flu-stricken): Let's say Vince McMahon plans to win over two "action adventure" fans for every one "wrestling" fan he loses. Sure, it SOUNDS good in the short term, but in the long term, when you realise that that one wrestling fan might be ME....and that the short term might be shorter than any of us thinks...
Special Guest Columnist next week! I've lowered the bar so much THIS week that you can't help but be blown away by next week's SUPER SKYDOME RAW IS WAR!
Back to bed. Good night.