KEEP THE SIGNS AND LETTERS COMING: My newest nominee for Coolest Person on Earth Ever has to be Scott MacArthur, who spent a good portion of camera time at the beginning of last week's RAW in his front row seat on a damn fine "CRZ is GOD" sign - I mean, you could NOT miss it (and I know Scott Keith was trying DAMN hard to) so, I mean, DAMN, is that cool or what? I mean, it must be if I say "DAMN" three times in one sentence! I *believe* that's my first sign - it only took six and a half years but there you go. It's definitely my first sign to get major camera action, and for that all I can do is unmercifully kiss your ass. No, wait, I can print part of your letter too!

Chris, what's happenin'? My name is Scott MacArthur and I am the one who held the "CRZ IS GOD" sign at the 2/8/99 RAW in Toronto. I had numerous signs made up for that show and I felt it necessary to give you the credit you so deserve for posting results of RAW and Nitro weekly. I find your reports funny, accurate and we generally share the same opinions of what goes down on the big two Monday shows. Therefore, with all the negative things that I read each week on your "I GET LETTERS" section, I thought it would be only fitting to take advantage of my front row seats and give you some credit. No, I really don't think you're God, but you are the God of Internet wrestling reporters. So that puts you second in the pecking order! I appreciate your time and take the sign for what it really means; You are the best damn Internet wrestling reporter in the business.

So, hell, even if it WASN'T his sign, I had to put that stuff up there, right?

Matt Pitt wrote me three weeks before the show saying HE'D have a sign saying something similar, but that either fell through or he did it but was in a different front row. I'll mention his name here just in case. Matt, you should write me with the scoop!

And also I got this one from Ben Cormier: my "Stonecold is POOCHIE" sign also got some air time (very beginning, top left hand corner) so CRZ, you've got your CRZizms on the air, never forget your Canadian fans.

So, to sum it up:

CRZ signs seen in Canada -1 or 2
CRZ signs seen in America - nil

CANADA'S THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, BABY! (Pays du Canada le plus grand au monde, bébé!)

Speaking of Ben Cormier, he and Dan Hartrell sent a pretty nice onsite report which I've included as another link 'cause if I included it here, people would REALLY bitch about how long this report is. But I like it - it's another idea of how we can put Mick Foley over even as he's inevitably removed from the WWF title picture. Besides, it gives Rick and Mike another chance to throw up an evil advertiser banner for you to glaze over at if you go hit THAT page. Okay.

SPEAKING OF BLATANT PLUGS: Go! Now! Check out the ALL-NEW Other Arena - not only does it look FANTASTIC, it's also yet another home of my RAW and Nitro archives (check the "TV History" section). In addition, the Other Arena is *also* the home of the most ass-kickin'est message boards on the entire Web. If you're into that, anyway. Just don't tell 'em I sent ya. HA!

Hey, was last night's show NOT an In Your House and no one told me? It was damn good, and I'm as shocked as you are. It's ALMOST enough to make one forgive the Royal Rumble....welll.....maybe not. But I gotta tell ya, I was VERY worried that the highlight of the night for me would be seeing Mr. Bob Backlund again (WITH his hair and WITHOUT those glasses, even!) but the WWF came through with half-flying colours. Yup. I was happy. Even if FREAKIN' USA NETWORK can't get their ass in gear and run Sunday Night Heat LIVE at 4 on the West Coast so I can watch all the pieces in order.

Did you see that piece on Dateline? Eric Bischoff is a whiny bastard and now we all have proof. And Vince McMahon might be an arrogant sumbitch, but dammit, he probably sleeps really comfortably on that mattress filled with our money. (I was kinda hoping that's how he'd answer that question from the reporter, but he probably knows when to gloat and when not to gloat - unlike, say, Clinton - oops) Also, somebody should tell Bret Hart that Vince retroactively made that whole screwing thing into a giant work and he might want to stop whining about it. Then again, he might be the only person besides Bischoff NBC could locate to bash McMahon. You think? Whatever.

Okay. How about a little show report?

One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-V - WWF!

Still shots from last night's pay-per-view spectacular show BRUTAL action from the Rock/Mankind Last Man Standing match, in which the last man standing - was - nobody. Also some still shots from the Austin/McMahon match, which was light years better than I EVER thought it would be - and this stranger to me, this Paul White guy - hey, who IS that? Oh, and Austin won the cage match and still gets his shot at RasslinMania.

Opening Credits.

FIREWORKS! Are we LIVE or what? It's President's Day and we're in the Jefferson County Civic Colesium in Birmingham, AL. Your hosts, Michael "GOD DARN IT" Cole and Jerry "Da Mayor" Lawler, have both already lost their voices.

This show is en espanol donde sea disponible and also closed captioned for the hearing impaired (huh?) and here's COMMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS, who welcomes us on the Road to WrestleMania. Right off the bat, Shawn introduces the two men to take place in the main event as determined by last nights events - "by kickin' Vince McMahon's ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN." And out he comes. After the obligatory four-corner suckup, Michaels introduces the (STILL?) WWF Champion, MANKIND, to the ring. He's walkin' a little gingerly there. No corners for Mankind. As a staredown ensues and Michaels starts - "As we go to WrestleMania..." "No Chance in Hell" starts up and out walks VINCENT K., resplendent in neck brace and bandaged noodle. He's in pain, you see. "I stand...I stand before you...I stand before you tonight a broken man. I stand before you tonight...a humble...a humble man. Austin-" ["asshole" chant] "What do you want, BLOOD?" he snarls. The crowd is happy. "Austin, you put twelve stitches in my head...[pop]...you threw me off the top of a cage...but I-I wanna be a better man. I wanna start all over. I..." lotsa boos even as McMahon tears up. "I wanna bury the hatchet. I just wanna bury the hatchet. I want a fresh start. I-I'm just askin' you...what's the matter with you people?" "Asshole" chant is louder. "I'm simply asking you Austin to bury the hatchet, let's start all over...all I want you to do...I just...all I want is for you to say 'I'm sorry.' That's all I want." Crowd erupts. Austin gets the mic from Michaels. "You want me to say - you want me to say I'm sorry?" "please." "all right, all right, I can handle that. I'm sorry...that I didn't beat your ass worse that I beat it. And if you think that Vince McMahon (mute) gimme a hell yeah." "All right, Mr. Commissioner - that's your - that's the man that's gonna face the WWF Champion at WrestleMania - and he's gonna face Mankind. Then why don't you do your job, okay? Why don't you for once give the people what they want? Shawn Michaels, Mr. Commissioner, wants to give the people what they want - dammit, you know full well that Mankind didn't win that match last night. These people DESERVE a rematch! They DESERVE that rematch here tonight! And they DESERVE Mankind to face THE most electrifying WWF superstar in the world today, the Rock! Now do your job. You know the Rock was coerced into defending the title to begin with, you know that. C'mon Michaels, give 'em the match they want, and dammit, give 'em the kind of match they want." Mankind: "Hey Vince, even by my standards I feel pretty crappy tonight, so how about you give me seven days to get ready for this thing and we'll do it next week on RAW." Before anything can happen, the music fires up - smell it? It's DA ROCK come out to make sure "next week" is tonight. "Rocky sucks" chant starts up nicely. "Mankind, you want seven days, but as far as the Rock is concerned, you don't even have seven minutes. FOr the las tfive months the Rock has done what he's said he's gonna do, and that's bash your living brains in. Tonight, the Great One, and the millions - and millions of the Rock's fans wanna see your fat cellulite ass go one on one with the Great One - so HBK Shawn Michaels, as far as for the Rock is concerned, you are no more than a rooty poot candyass - so what the Rock wants you to do is know your damn role and make this damn match tonight in front of all the Rock's fans." Mankind says "testicular fortitude," then goes on to proclaim his testicles FULL of fortitude. McMahon says let's make this a final match - a LADDER match. Michaels tels off Rock, calling him "nickel-and-dime chump change...jabronie." And yeah, a ladder match it shall be. McMahon says oh, one more thing - there's a special guest referee in the title match - and out walks PAUL WIGHT, who calmly stares a hole through Austin's cranium. Austin responds with a double bird and Wight doesn't even flinch.

Encore presentation ad. If you didn't see it, it just MIGHT be worth the bucks.

Replay of what we just saw. Why? Dunno.

Does Cole look like he NEVER sleeps anymore? Tonight - IC title match - Gunn vs. Venis! Hardcore title match - Hometown Holly takes on Steve Blackman (OH MY GOD!) and right now...

DEBRA & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. IVORY & SOME GUY - WHO IS THAT - HE LOOKS FAMILIAR - OH, WAIT IT'S D'LO BROWN - Ivory is D'Lo's gift to Mark Henry from last week's RAW, okay. Of course, she's fine lookin' and all that. Clips from last night show Ivory relieving Debra of her sportcoat while Jarrett forced a figure four submission from Mark Henry following a guitar shot to Henry's injured knee. Ewww, I think we found out where to draw the line about how few clothes Debra should wear as her wrestling gear betrays her - her - her standing as an elder in our little wrestling community. Fortunately, Jarrett and Brown start 'cause we all know Debra can't wrestle. Back and forth we go, Brown taking control. But he misses a knee from the second rope. Jarrett kicks behind the knee and takes him down twice. Figure four is on, but Ivory is in and raking the face to break the hold. Jarrett misses a buttdrop on the knee. There's a scoop slam. Patented legdrop. To the top rope - 'Lo-down frog splash! But Debra breaks that up - well, now it's on. While the group hairpulling goes on, Brown and Jarrett brawl, referee Mike Chioda shrugs and calls for the bell (double DQ 2:18) - holy CRAP, Debra broke a guitar RIGHT across Ivory's back. OWEN HART is out to put a beatdown on D'Lo and ensure that the Champions walk out with their heads (and other bits) held high. Ivory asks where her scarf went, because she's never supposed to be seen without it.

Paul Wight is introduced to the Corporation folks backstage. Ken Shamrock asks the big man to slap him.

WrestleMania is only *6* weeks away! (Or, if you're Rick Scaia, 5 weeks and six days)

TRIPLE H & X-PAC make their way to the ring to find out if we're ready, ready, ready to suck it. Triple H says something about it being the first time Chyna's ever been on top of a man, and howzabout a rematch. CHYNA, KANE & SKIPPY appear at the top of the ramp, and Shane says no way. Then he graciously gives Chyna the night off. X-Pac says, wait, he's got an idea. Let's trade one b(mute) nother bitch (mute) - I THINK they want to trade Chyna for Shane in a rematch tonight. Shane says he regrets that he has no wrestling gear - H calls him a puss. Shane says put the European title on the line and he'll do it (huh? How's that work?) and X-Pac says he'll be happy to put the title on the line, then put his foot in Shane's (mute). So tonight, Shane & Kane will take on the two DX'ers and, one would presume, if X-Pac gets pinned there'll be a new European Champeen - let's hope it isn't Shane - that would most surely (mute) with th(mute) of (mute)a stick.

Ryan Shamrock & Val Venis neck in the back. Then he probably (mute). Hey, I could get used to this joke. Reminds me of some other columnist for some reason...

In the back, we see Mankind practicing climbing a ladder - it looks painful for him.

VAL VENIS (with Ryan Shamrock) v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN for the Intercontinental Title - Gunn's got two words for us, but I've heard it before. Lawler already stole my chance to work "Ryan's Hope" into commentary last night, oh well. Cole says Steve Austin might be guest commentator for the ladder match tonight. Venis gives a shout out to all the ladies out there and then mentions that his dick's really long. Was that BOOING when he mentioned he was the new Intercontinental Champion? I think maybe it was. Lockup, nope, Gunn ducks and fires away right rights. Whip, Val steps aside and throws a lot of punches and kicks on his own. Four title matches tonight. Referee "Blind" Theodore Long breaks it up. Clothesline from Gunn, another, there's a 2 count. Rude Awakening neckbreaker, complete with hip thrusts for 2. Val goes to the eyes to get back on top. Shoulderblock. Off the ropes, right hand, right - what the hell is that? He fingered himself, then hit GUnn. Umm, let's never see that again. Whip, but Gunn puts up the boot. Venis manages a legsweep but misses a splash followup. Gunn with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, twice, off the ropes, clothesling. Fist, Gunn crotch chops Venis as we watch Ryan walk the stairs. She's up on the apron as a whip is reversed. Gunn with punches - whip, reverse - Ryan falls off the apron (what's she doin' up there again?) Gunn turns to face her, so Venis hits a German suplex for the pinfall (2:49). Gunn takes some time to see if Ryan's okay before Long scoots him away. She eventually makes it back up into the ring and I smell a heel turn coming up. After saying "we won!" to Val, Val goes on to go off. "We? WE did this? Honey, the last time I checked, this belt only went around ONE waste - what I'm trying to say is this baby - is it's been real, in fact, it's been good, but it hasn't been real good. Kick it to the curb sweetheart, because the big Valbowski is on a rocket to the top and there ain't no more room on this ride for you." Knowing the WWF fans, this'll make him an even bigger face - but wait, maybe it's a racist thing! Kick a WHITE girl to the curb, you're a heel! Kick Taka's sister and...well...

Hey, look, it's the Ministry! And they're WALKING!

wrestlemania15.com spot.

Oh, poor Ryan - she's so HEARTBROKEN - say, wait, isn't that Billy Gunn consoling her? Well, there's Ken Shamrock beating up Gunn because he had the AUDACITY to APOLOGISE to her. I think I just heard Shamrock ask Gunn to slap him!

BONG....BONG...it's the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES and the excitement is building (or so Cole says). Still shots from last night show Bossman getting a whuppin' after defeating Mideon at the PPV. Viscera's pants manage to stay on after these splashes, unlike last night in his match with Test on Heat. I think that got the second biggest pop in Memphis last night - right after Lawler's entrance. Okay, Paul Bearer has the mic. "You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And YOU - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness." "McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't BE so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take ANYBODY, ANYTIME we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. I own the key to your heart, and your soul. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself - and in that power's name - in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation." BIG BOSSMAN appears at the top of the ramp and says he's easy to find, so pick three men and he'll take himself and two to take 'em on, oh and he's gonna stick a foot in his dead ass (what, they stop muting at five to ten?) "You know, you should be more careful what you ask for." See, they're trying to make them faces here. The crowd's not buying it yet, but maybe after this match...

Backstage, Shane's got a special modified DX shirt with "X-PUNK" written across it. He's gearing up as Kane & Chyna look on.

And now the Rescue of the Week! Sponsored by the US Coast Guard (Slogan: We'll Take Anybody). This week it's Kane helping Chyna score the pinfall on Triple H from last night's mixed tag match.

WrestleMania XV is brought to you by M&M's - the feeding frenzy has begun! (Huh?)

KANE & SHANE (with Chyna) v. TRIPLE H & X-PAC with the European Title on the line - the credits show and the TV-14-V box makes it's reappearance. Lawler FINALLY manages to explain that the title will change hands if X-Pac is pinned, whoever pins him will become Champion. Triple H attacks Kane before the fireworks can even go off. Kane quickly turns it around, though. Shane demands a tag, and Kane complies, but when Triple H gets up, Shane slides out and tags Kane after running around the ring. Kane back in - no problems with Triple H, but he manages a tag to X-Pac. Double clothesline is ducked, though - Kane hits a double clothesline of his own. Elbowdrop misses. Big boot from X-Pac as he charges the corner - say, was that TOTAL ELIMINATION? X-Pac with the spinning heel kick as Helmsley sweeps the leg. 1, 2, Kane presses Kane through the ropes and to the outside. Shane takes this opportunity to hit him from behind - it does little damage, though, as X-Pac turns around and pastes him with a right - the chase is on but Chyna FLATTENS X-Pac with a clothesline. As Triple H argues with the ref, Kane tosses him back in over the top rope. Shane with a flurry of punches and an elbow drop. 1 count. M&M's brings us the doublefeature as X-Pac shoves Shane back into his corner. Both men tag. Triple H peppers him with punches, knee to the chin, high knee, crotch chop, whip, reverse, big boot from Kane. Kane's gonna fly - top rope flying clothesline! Shane asks for the tag and gets it. Right, right, Triple H shakes it off and takes Shane to his own corner - tag to X-Pac - head to the buckle. X-Pac off the ropes, Chyna grabs him - if you think Shane's gonna tag Chyna after X-Pac ducks, you're right. Series of kicks from X-Pac and before the bronco buster can happen, Kane catches X-Pac by his neck and shoves him back to the center. H comes in and pushes Kane off the apron and to the commentary table. Kane taken to the STEEL stairs. Oh oh, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is trying to separate these two and Chyna has handed the European title to Shane - X-Pac LEVELED with the title - sweet Lord almighty. 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion. (4:22) Kane is ready to dish out some more punishment but Chyna calls him off. Shane has the belt, but he can't stand. I can't stand some of this myself. The sad thing is, this shouldn't have come as a surprise - D'LO BROWN winning this title was more of a surprise. This just in: Gillberg to face Shane for the title of "Who can piss off workrate freaks the most by holding a belt?" Having said ALL that, though, I liked this story. It sure beats Austin holding Vince hostage and Undertaker going for embalming people alive. You know why? That's right, it took place in a ring and there was "wrestling" involved. So read into THAT mixed message, baby! I'm CRZ!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Shane used ALL his remaining energy to flatten X-Pac with the title.

Backstage, the Corporation celebrates Shane's victory. "I'm going to WrestleMania!" Shane pours champagne on Kane, who thinks about striking, but Chyna holds him back.

BOB HOLLY v. THE VASTLY UNDERRATED STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) for the Hardcore Title - fire up your VCR's! Holly is the hometown - favourite? here. Holly runs up the ramp and meets Blackman there, but Blackman gets the first shot in with a snap suplex at the top of the ramp. Holly blocks a head to the scaffold spot and does one of his own. HAnging off the scaffold, kick to Blackman. They're already backstage and the crowd is unhappy. We stare at the entranceway for forever as we see a board seemingly broken across Holly's back - Holly ducks and Blackman superkicks a refrigerator (wow!) - HOlly with a plastic something-or-other to the back. Television shot (just like in the video game!) but Blackman ducks it. The camerman misses the next shot - Blackman run into something, then a metal something run into Blackman's head. Holly with a forearm to the back - Blackman reverses a whip into some beer kegs. Bob Holly was NEVER Intercontinental Champion, by the way. They're now outside. I don't know why I bother to call these anyway. Blackman run headfirst into some pallets. Blackman manages some sort of martial arts kick into a wheelbarrow (then slips off the - what's that, a zamboni?) - anyway, before Blackman can take advantage - DROZ comes out and waffles Blackman with some large metallic object. Holly comes out, sees a passed out Blackman and makes the pinfall. (2:49) Blackman was SCREWED! You SUCK, Droz! Lawler sends shivers down my spine by comparing Hardcore matches to the BrawlforAll. "All right! Once again Bob Holly has proved himself! I'm gonna make this short and sweet, you know, ever since I've been here in the WWF, they gave me lousy gimmicks, goofy-ass names, and weak, and I'm talking about WEAK tag team partners! You know, this is about Bob Holly now, and this right here is what Bob Holly's all about, and believe me, Bob Holly is hardcore, and with that, I'm issuing a challenge to anybody out there who wants a shot at my Hardcore title - so bring it on!" I hear the BrawlforAll music...oh nooooooo....it's LEFTY GUNN come back to kill us all. Bart takes umbrage at the lame tag team partners comment. Holly reminds us that he's the only man Gunn couldn't knock out in the BrawlforAll. Gunn suggests a Hardcore title match next week. Holly says ok. Crowd goes "Who ARE those two guys?" Holly FINALLY gets some reaction when he mentions "an Alabama ass-kickin'" Geez, would it have KILLED the ring announcer to remind the crowd that Holly is from Alabama at the beginning of the match? Oh well. Hey, Bart Gunn is back! Hardcore Title match next week! It will be good AND NO ONE WILL CARE! Sad, isn't it?

Sable, backstage, is WALKING!

Krispy M&M's bring you the WWF Slam of the Week - yer DAMN right it's McMahon's fall from the cage onto the Spanish announce table. Who sells it better, McMahon or Hugo Savinovich? Ha!

Austin paces backstage. How come seeing somebody WALK is more exciting that seeing WRESTLING sometimes?

Castrol Motor Oily makes you RAW! Pick up your Stone Cold Steve Austin poster at Pep Boys! Also Western Union and 1-800-COLLECT bring you tonight's program.

KEVIN KELLY brings out SABLE'S BREASTS, who don't even BOTHER to bring out the Womens' Title. She cuts off every question from Kelly, and it looks like she's working very hard to take that backstage image we're all getting from the news boards and turn it into a gimmick. "I love EACH and EVERY one of you." Well, there's that PSYCHO FAN we've seen for months. Sable tells the security guy to let her go, and after he does she just FAWNS over Sable like we've seen her before. Sable pulls her hand away with a dramatic flair. "Look, you nut! I'm sick and tired of you harrassing me. Don't you get it? You can never be like ME! You're just a wannabe, just like all of them. Now get her out of here." Looks like she's less of a fan now. Hey, I smell a heel turn! Is art imitating life again? (And what does Art think of all this?) If this doesn't convince you that Vince has got his fingers on the pulse of the....well, let's just watch it play out in the coming weeks. Still, if you suddenly find yourself going "hey, maybe it was a work all along!" that's good stuff, huh.

RAW is WAR LIVE from the San Jose Arena 15 March! That's four weeks from tonight - Hey WWF, got anybody to sing the National Anthem yet?

Mr. McMahon discusses with the Rock we know not what.

BIG BOSSMAN & TEST & KEN "SLAP ME" SHAMROCK v. MIDEON & ACOLYTES - I don't think we need "No Chance in Hell" to continue to be their theme, thank you. Hey, BUTTERBEAN is in the crowd! Cole mentions Butterbean would like Bart Gunn in a BrawlforAll match. As you might expect, the three from the Ministry rush the ring and all six men don't stop the body rock. Bradshaw hooks up with Test, Faarooq draws Shamrock and Mideon and Bossman continue their feud. Somehow order is restored as Bossman and Mideon stay in the ring. Wouldn't it be the COOLEST if the "higher power" referred to by the Undertaker was the Jackyl? We know it isn't, but I can dream. "Shamrock sucks" chant even though he isn't in the ring. So YOU tell ME which of these six has all the charisma. What do you MEAN, you want a blow-by-blow for Bossman and Mideon? Okay. Bossman is in control. There's a scoop and a slam - you know Mideon is not a light man either. Piledriver set up - reversal to a back bodydrop. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, 180 to the original corner. Lariat by Bossman, the Acolytes comes in to break up the pinfall, again all six men are in - the lights go out and the music starts up - here's UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER. The Ministry members stand on the ramp and stare - the Corporation members stand in the ring and stare - wait, the BROOD & VISCERA come out and they're carrying SKIPPY! The Acolytes and Mideon, then joined by the Brood, provide the human wall. "I should carve your heart out right here - but I don't think your father would really give a damn. But then again-" and he grabs Shane by the neck. "I do have something for you." as Shane, wearing the European title, by the way, says "Please don't cut me" over and over. Undertaker removes a contract from his coat and hands it to Shane. "Listen boy, give this to your father and tell him it comes from the Lord of Darkness." Cole identifies it as an "envelope" so I guess maybe it isn't a contract - stay tuned... oh yeah, (no contest, under 3:00)

MANKIND v. DA ROCK in a ladder match for the WWF Championship - Hmm, 20 minutes to the hour. "Finally, the Great One has come back to Birmingham - Collectively, the largest collection of trailer park trash the Rock has ever seen. But speakin' of trailer park trash, there ain't but one of the biggest piece of Texas trailer park trash walkin' in Stone Cold Steve Austin! Now the Rock plans on grabbin' Man-" and waiting for the "Rocky sucks" chant to start up. "You can have your chants of Rocky Sucks, but the fact of the matter is this - is that tonight in front of thousands and thousands of Rock's fans, and the millions - and millions of the Rock's fans watching live, the Rock will proceed to climb that ladder rung by damn rung by damn rung, reach up, and snatch the Rock's WWF title. So Mankind, the Rock has said it before, he'll say it again, if your fat cellulite salty, then the Rock will be your tequila, so what the Rock wants you to do is sprinkle some salt on your hand, take a lick, and take a shot of the Rock, but don't get drunk, or else you'll wake up with the Rock's foot in your ass and his fist in your mouth if ya SMEEEEELLL - what the Rock - is cookin'." WHY did I just transcribe that? Let's take a break! Mankind's WALKING backstage!

Encore presentation ad - the St. Valentine's Day Massacre can be relived TUESDAY night!

Mankind noticably limps down the ramp and Cole announces that we have no more commercial breaks tonight. Before we can start this match, though, we need to get STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN out here to provide some "colour" commentary - which in this case means an awful lot of swearing. Mankind starts off giving a shot to Rock, who had been facing Austin. So they're gonna fight outside the ring instead of in it, yup. Rock whips Mankind hard into the STEEL steps and he flies. Rock has a chair. Everybody's in the ring and the knee is DRIVEN into the chair repeatedly. Rock puts the ladder into the ring. Mankind is up - chair to the ladder - now with the Rock under the ladder on the canvas, Mankind takes the chair to the ladder several more times. Scoop and a slam as M&M's provides the doublefeature. Mankind - People's Elbow? YES! Crowd goes absolutely nuts. Cole calls it "Mr. Elbow," fine. Mankind sets up the ladder. He's up four rungs before Rock is up and putting the chair to the knee. Mankind falls to the canvas and the ladder falls on him. Rock continues kicking behind the knee. There's a clip. Rock puts Mankind's leg in the ladder and takes the chair to the ladder several times. Ladder set up and here's the sloooow climb - Mankind gets behind him, throws some shots, then takes the Rock off the ladder, where he gives himself a hot shot on the top rope. Mankind with the chair to the gut, chair to the back. Mankind up the ladder but Rock is up with the chair - Mankind falls and wraps his arm in the top two ropes, yow. Rock with the free shots until Mankind frees himself - whoops, there goes his trick knee. M&M's Double Feature and now they're out - now they're over the barricade and into the crowd. Rock through a security railing and Mankind drops an elbow. Mankind tries another elbowdrop but Rock rolls away and Mankind elbows the railing. Rocky takes Mankind back over the barricade - Austin says he should have left him alone and gone for the ladder and I'm thinking the EXACT same thing....hmm. Rock takes Mankind to the ramp - there's a suplex. Rock stomps him. Sock thrown in - Rock takes it, spits on it, and throws it back. Now there's a cable choke from the Rock. Mankind manages to reverse a whip over the STEEL steps - then Mankind throws the steps onto Rock. Mankind takes Rock to the Spanish announce table - oh no - no, Rock with a Golotta - ROCK BOTTOM through the table! M&M's Double Feature of the stair shot and uranage through the table while ROck sets up the ladder. Mankind is SOMEHOW back in the ring and he manages to hit a Golotta on Rock. Gut shot - double underhook DDT! Has Mankind got anything left? Socko is out! But Rock takes the ladder to Mankind's head. DDT! Rock climbs the ladder while "Rocky sucks" chant is up - Mankind up the opposite side of the ladder. Rock with rights - Mankind goes down - while Rock *touches* the belt - MANDIBLE CLAW! Crowd going apeshit - aww, here's PAUL WIGHT with a buzzkiller. Rock comes to while Wight takes Mankind off the top of the ladder with ahhhhhhhhhhtheCHOKEslam - Rock climbs one more step and gets the belt. Wight throws another look to Austin and walks off. Rock celebrates in the ring as Austin says it'll be a hell of a match at WrestleMania, even WITH Paul Wight as the special ref. Austin gets in the ring - and before Rock turns around to see him, we fade out. Just as well. I don't NEED to see a Stunner to go home happy. (12:58)

Well, damn, that was pretty interesting, wasn't it? I think my threat to like Nitro better must have set a fire under somebody. Yeah, right. I believe it was Regis Philbin who said "I'm only one man!" Anyway, dynamite show and I AIN'T talkin' Jermaine Jackson. See ya next week!