/22 February 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
Gwen Guthrie and Gene Siskel in the same week...
Do you realise that Saturday marked the 21st anniversary of Bob Backlund's win over Superstar Billy Graham? That WWF Championship bout and the memories thereof are old enough to DRINK. If you feel old right now, you're probably reading someone else's column so what are you doing HERE? Ha!
PICTURE OF THE WEEK: The lost front cover of the 12" single release from WWF's "the Wrestling Album" is restored for your viewing enjoyment! If Shep Pettibone mixes it, you MUST dance to it, no matter WHAT it is! Besides, the track is THUMPin'! Too bad KOCH didn't put this on the rerelease.
Yeah, I bought the Wrestling Album (CD). What can I say, it was $11.99 and hearing Nikolai Volkoff sing "Cara Mia" in stunning digital clarity made me weep. But I'm that kind of sick twisted wrestling fan.
As evidenced by the fact that I will still watch five hours of ... whatever it's called these days ... EVERY Monday and then write about it!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF! Rated TV-14-V!
Clips from last week's ladder match for the WWF Title, complete with "highlights" of Steve Austin commentary. We do not hear Michael Cole say "Holy shit!" or whatever it was I didn't hear him say but got lots of letters about. We DO, however, see the Stunner that we *didn't* get to see after the live show ended last week.
FIREWORKS! We are ON TAPE from the Unnamed Arena in Chattanooga, TN 22.2.99 (but taped 16.2.99), en espanol donde sea disponible and broadcast on the USA Network and occasionally on TSN when curling isn't pre-empting it. Tonight, somebody's gonna BURN!
VINCENT K. walks to the ring for this week's opening salvo. I wish they'd stop using "No Chance in Hell" for his music. "Asshole" chant as you might expect. McMahon hopes we brought our marshmallows 'cause tonight we're having a roast, and not a Dean Martin roast neither (anybody bought that tape? Can I get a copy?), no tonight, an Inferno match! McMahon uses the word "spectacular" in reference to the flaming shindig between Kane and Undertaker, while the word currently floating in MY mind is more along the lines of "suck." McMahon quickly turns to the main event at WrestleMania XV, where Steve Austin will take on WWF Champion the Rock in the main event. And HERE is that special guest referee for said match, namely PAUL (the kids are all) WIGHT, who walks to the ring and embraces McMahon. Crowd chants "Giant sucks" and Wight acts like "Who the heck are they talkin' 'bout?" which is pretty cool. Wight compares the WWF to "Heaven's Gate" - the horrible moneysucking motion picture or the web designing cult? He must not have meant either. Wight says "the big Nasty" when referring to Sacramento King Corliss Williamson...no wait, I think he was talking about his chokeslam. Wight raises some ire when he says that last week he *single-handedly* put the title around the waist of the ROCK, who walks to the ring unexpectedly. McMahon gives him an intro anyway. Wight applauds. "Rocky sucks" chant fires up as Rock says maybe his hearing was a little bad because he thought he heard "this big jabrone" say he singlehandedly put the title around the Rock's waist. Wight said he said it and he was surprised it made it through Rock's thick skull. Rock calls Wight a rooty-poot and a candy-ass and some other things he always says, oh, and know his role and shut his mouth. McMahon can see it breaking down and tries to make peace. Wight tells "Pebble" to close his mouth or he'll put his fist in it. McMahon says they're just making jokes. Rock: "Make jokes - the Rock's ass!" then he calls Wight a 500 pound bag of monkey crap. The Rock is like a living Mad-Lib, you know. Giant - whoops, I mean Wight - picks up McMahon and gently places him behind him - then there's a staredown but before anything comes to blows, MANKIND appears at the top of the ramp, suggesting that they need a moderator, or better yet, a referee - and he reveals Mr. Socko in stripes. Since he's trying to petition Commissioner Michaels for the position of second guest referee, what better way to show what a great ref he can be but to referee a match tonight - between Rock and Wight for the WWF Championship? McMahon tells Mankind to stay out of his business, Wight asks "what do you say, chant?" Rock says a lot of stuff and I swear the crowd knows about every third word he's gonna say and chants along. Did the WWF become the Rocky Horror Picture Show when I wasn't looking?
Your hosts are a pair of Kings - Michael King Cole and Jerry Lawler. Tonight, the Inferno Match between Undertaker and Kane. Shamrock vs. Gunn for the #1 Contendership to the Intercontinental title, and here's some ads!
We kick off the second quarter hour with a backstage glimpse into the Corporation dressing room - there's a lot of shouting. It's funny how Shane insists on having the Euro belt on his shoulder the whole time.
WrestleMania XV is presented to you by M&M's Crispy Choklit Candy.
GANGREL & EDGE (with Christian and a burning ring o' far) v. PUBLIC ENEMA - well, shut my mouth, it's Flyboy Rocco Rock and Johnny Grunge come to the WWF to kill us all. Watching the Brood walk to the ring, you'd SWEAR that they weren't in the Ministry and it was all a bad dream 'cause the entrance hasn't changed a bit - probably a wise move on their part. PE's music sounds like, well, Public Enemy. "La-di-da-di, it's a whole NEW party!" Brood attacks before the bell and now Grunge is outside. Christian takes on Grunge on the outside while Gangrel & Edge go through their doubleteam moves on Rock. Grunge manages to grab the legs while they both come off the ropes. Cole is calling them "Rocco" and "Grunge." Yeah, calling him "Rock" would be CONFUSING, wouldn't it? Double clothesline ducked, but Grunge hits a double bulldog (or if you're Cole, double DDT). Edge double whipped, double flapjack. Double whip on Gangrel, double hiptoss - both men catch him, double drop. That looks like the Quebecer's old finisher, the Tower - now Christian comes in to break things up and referee "Blind" Mike Ciota calls for the bell. (DQ 1:23) 3-on-2 is on - PE wisely leave the ring and grab some chairs - the lights go out and the red light flickers - aw, nuts - there's a bloodbath for PE. Hey, welcome to the world of sports entertainment, Public Enemy! They run off angry, as well they should.
WWF: The Music, Volume 3 ad.
Let Us Take You Back to During the Break, where Undertaker says the Brood need to be disciplined for losing - the Acolytes, Mideon and Viscera commence a beatdown on the Brood.
VAL VENIS makes his way to ringside for commentary. Coming up later, Inferno match! And Paul Wight vs. the Rock for the WWF title! Coming up NOW, the match to determine Venis' #1 Contender! Does that title belt look funny hanging over a towel? Did Venis say "hello, Kings?" Naah. I forget, is Venis a heel or a face these days? He's acting friendly to Lawler so I guess they really DO want him to be a heel...
BAD(D) ASS BILLY GUNN v. KING KEN SHAMROCK in a Intercontinental #1 Contender's match - Shamrock decides to forego entering the ring to rush Venis - but Gunn meets him halfway with a lariat on the outside. Shamrock to the barrier. Gunn is friendly with Ryan Shamrock, Ken's sister and Val's "sloppy seconds," I hear tell. In the ring, the match finally starts, and it's all Gunn. Venis lets us know that he used Ryan, he USED Ryan, and also he clubbed baby seals the other day. Venis speculates the Shamrock's never had sex, then says the only thing he's ever tossed is his own salad. I wish I got that humour. Shamrock with a buncha kicks as Cole calls Wight "the Big Nasty" and I smell a Corliss Williamson lawsuit. Lawler and Venis turn "zone" into a dirty word. Shamrock with a pretty sweet DDT while the crowd chants "Shamrock sucks." 1, 2, kickout. Right hand for Shamrock. There's another. Gunn takes a distracted Shamrock (trying to get out to Venis again) and there's a Rocker dropper. Both men slow to get up and up together. Shamrock blocks a punch and fires away. Repeated kicks. Venis is trashing both guys. Gunn reverses a whip into the corner but Shamrock comes out with a lariat. Right hand. Right. Gunn with a wek right, Shamrock with two rights and Gunn's down again. Right. I LOVE punches. Whip, leg lariat by Shamrock. Lawler: "I gotta apologise for Michael Cole - all he can think about is wrestling!" Well, DAMN. Shamrock's huracanrana takes Gunn out of the ring. Venis says Gunn needs a little help and throws him back in the ring - Shamrock thanks him by way of leaving the ring and taking Venis' head to the STEEL steps. Now Gunn is outside and attacking Shamrock. It's on - a Pier 3 has broken out and the whole thing is breaking down. Bring on the referees and officials, there'll be no resolution tonight. RYAN SHAMROCK puts in an appearance just for the hell of it. Ken and Ryan walk off while we see Venis and Gunn looking unhappy. (under 5:00ish)
McMahon talks to Rock and fails to talk Rock out of the title match. Is somebody honking a horn through this entire bit? How annoying!
KEVIN KELLY works tonight! And he welcomes (THE LOVELY) SABLE to the ring. Clips from last week's Sable appearance on "Live" - hey, that's not REALLY Regis, you can't fool me! Also, we get a shot of the Playboy cover - find it at wwf.com. Sable plays the prima donna and spies THAT STALKIN' FAN in the front row again - this week she invites her into the ring. She's in awe, of course. "You know, maybe I was a little hard on you last week. So, um, what's your name?" "Tori." "Tori. Well, Tori, let me ask you something. What is it about Sable that you find so fascinating?" "Sable - you are so beautiful, graceful, athletic, powerful - I mean - I adore everything about you." "Well, Tori, you are pathetic. And you need to get a life. I am sick and tired of all you wanna-be's trying to live your life through me! How sad. Now hit the road, skank!" Here's LUNA TUNES. When was she on Access Hollywood, I missed it. "Let me tell you something, and this time, this time, please, try to understand. We can't all, unfortunately, we can't all be as beautiful as you. All women cannot be Sable. Some of us just have to deal with the cards that we're dealt. But we don't use people - and the only reason you are the WWF Women's Champion is because of your looks." Sable laughs. "Well, Luna. Boo hoo. You know, first of all, I don't care about all the women - I only care about the men." Big cheer. "And as far as the cards you've been dealt - maybe you need to reshuffle the deck - now hit my music!" And she strikes a post. Then Luna gets waffled with the belt - then one for Tori for good measure. Man, Tori (can't call her Terri, it'd be CONFUSING) is TEN times the actress Sable is. Luna and Tori console each other... hey you know when Luna isn't trying to hard to growl in a gravely fashion, she ALMOST has a Jennifer Tilly-esque quality about her...wait, did I think that or say it?
M&M's Krispy Khocklit Kandy brings you the WWF slam of the week - Paul Wight's AHHHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Mankind from the top of the ladder, allowing the Rock to grab the title from the ladder.
McMahon tries to talk Giant - damn, I gotta stop typing that - Wight out of the title match. Gi-FUCK - Wight says that it's no big deal, the belt will still be in the Corporation. Cole says the Corporation is crumbling from within!
As UMMM - ERRR - DAMN, I FORGET WHO THAT IS - HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR, BUT - OH YEAH, IT'S D'LO BROWN walks to the ring, we are taken back to last week where Debra used the gee-tar on Ivory, following a brutal attack on Mark Henry's knee, leaving D'Lo alone. He BEGS for Jarrett & Hart to come out and face him.
Right after RAW is the SHOP ZONE on the Home Shopping Network. Sorry, I didn't tape THAT.
D'LO BROWN v. OWEN HART & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Debra) in a Handicap Match - Jarrett & Hart are the WORLD tag team Champions - if you think ONE man is going to beat them...well, who knows these days? Hart attacks from behind while Brown is fixated on Jarrett slowly entering the ring. Brown fires back and they're trading blows. Hart rakes the face, whip is reversed and there's a Brown powerslam. Right hand to Jarrett and Hart comes back from behind. Hart on him - whip is reversed but Hart throws up a back elbow and tags in Jarrett. Off the ropes, Brown ducks, Tigerbomb for 2, Hart making the save. Tag to Hart - off the ropes, Jarrett ducks and Hart hits a blind bulldog. Nice suplex from Owen. Jarrett puts up the boot and Brown's head meets it. Tag in Jarrett - double whip, double back elbow. Make a wish! Right hand from Jarrett as Hart steps outside. Head to the buckle, head to another buckle, tag. Nonstop action such as it is. Whip, duck, Sunset flip, kickout at 2. Enziguiri gives Brown a full flip. Somehow he kicks out at 2. Tag to Jarrett. Coming up, an Inferno match. Tag. Spinebuster from Owen immediately followed by a fistdrop from the top by Jarrett. Owen holds him in the corner while Jarrett punches away. Brown fires back, punching both men, but coming off the ropes, Owen kicks him. Jarrett holding Brown while Owen scales the ropes - Brown elbows Jarrett, then comes off the ropes to crotch Hart - dropkick of Jarrett. Slam, standing legdrop as PMS make their way to the ring. Debra is up on the apron to distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas while Jacqueline scales the turnbuckles - dropkick to the back of the head and Brown runs into a Hart spinning heel kick. 1, 2, 3. (3:27) Nice little match with lots of action. It's not over! Double faceslam, Russian legsweep style, by Jarrett and Hart - the attack continues as the rest of the refs come out to separate them. Let's see a replay of that barefoot dropkick. You gotta admire Brown's integrity - no, wait, don't you mean STUPIDITY? Two good men ALWAYS beat one good man - especially when it's two good men and three fine women!
Mankind is spraypainting stripes on his shirt and throwing out some ref cliches in a humourous fashion. The big title match is NEXT?
You know, the LAST time they had a big title match in the MIDDLE of a show, it's was the "Rock/Austin" match on RAW Saturday Night...I wonder...anyway, MANKIND makes his way into the ring complete with stripes on the shirt and stripes on the sock. VINCENT K. walks out as the credits are displayed and the TV-14-V box re-appears as we turn the hour. "I regret to inform you that the proposed WWF Championship match here tonight is, ah - not going to happen. Therefore you're going to have to take Mr. Socko and put it away where the sun don't shine. Nice try, Mick, nice try..." and the Rock's music fires up.
ROCK v. PAUL (might makes) WIGHT for the WWF Championship - it certainly APPEARS that this match is going to take place. McMahon looks stunned that Rock would walk out. "Vince, the Rock wants you to go and sit at the announcers booth with those two jabrones 'cause you damn sure don't want to get in between this. Now Paul Wight, the Rock says you bring your rooty-poot candyass down that damn walkway so the Rock can put his fist in your mouth and his foot in your ass!" Wight has pretty cool new music. Cole AGAIN calls him the Big Nasty. McMahon is despondent, his commentary turning into a defiant snarl. Ring the bell! They ring it again! Rock shoves Giant, look I did it again, dammit, Wight shoves Rock HARD - and now Wight's attacking MANKIND and Rock's joining him. McMahon is laughing in an overacted matter. Well, we fell for it again (I *guess*). Both men even hold Mankind for McMahon to throw a right hand. "No Chance in Hell" plays for the MILLIONTH time and the triumphant trio leave the ring all smiles and hoping Austin got a good look at it. Hey, where IS Austin, anyway? Oh right, Howard Stern, Regis & Kathie Lee, okay.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where you see what you just seen and McMahon makes me miss Ted DiBiase with that weakass heel laugh. Although it is funny when he says "THIS is fun! THIS is entertainment!" and then it's ironic when he says "THIS is the WWF!" Indeed it is, Vince. Indeed it is.
"During the Break" footage shows the Corporation gloating and taking off for dinner - "everything on the Rock!"
THE COOLEST MAN ALIVE STEVE BLACKMAN (with dayglo bashin' batons & Riggs & Murtaugh) v. DROZ - Droz was suspended for two weeks, we learn, from his unprovoked attack on Kevin Kelly, getting off today. Last week Droz foiled Blackman's bid for the Hardcore title in retalitaion for Blackman foiling DROZ' attack on Kelly. Got it? I am keenly interested in all of this, you see, because Steve Blackman is my new personal favourite wrestler since I don't see Barry Horowitz all that much anymore. Blackman tries to get in the first shot but Droz ducks and goes on the offense. Kicks and punches, whee. Whip off the ropes, lariat and Blackman goes down. Off the ropes, Sunset flip by Blackman for 2. Forearm to the back by Droz. Scoop and a slam. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout. Blatant choke. Droz gives a mini-shove to referee "Blind" Theodore Long to show us how EDGY he's become. Right hand, then Droz tosses Blackman through the ropes. Droz jaws with the fans, who are rightly booing him. Head to the mat, rolled back in. Whip off the ropes, pickup and a slam. On the top rope - elbowdrop misses. C'mon Stever, DO something! Right hand, right, whip off the ropes, double thrust. Sidewalk slam! Off the ropes, elbowdrop has CLASS, man, but only a 2 count there. Whip off the ropes, is reversed, clothesline ducked, powerslam by Droz - 1, 2, no! Whip off the ropes is reversed - was that the Lethal Kick? 1, 2, 3! Yes! (3:13) But Droz is a poor loser because he attacks from behind with a dayglo stick. Aw, man, that's the first time in MONTHS he's come out with those things and somebody takes advantage of it like that - I hope that doesn't mean he'll keep 'em in the locker room from now on! Bigtime choke. Refs and officials separate Droz, who has "a new attitude," apparently. Screw that, I'll take Blackman ANY day! Yeah! Steve Blackman RULES! I guess I should have called em "nunchuks" like Cole. Oh well.
Backstage, McMahon asks Kane to promise that tonight, Undertaker will burn in hell. He appears to be holding the contract Undertaker had Shane deliver last week, if that's significant. Oh yeah, last night on Heat McMahon ORDERED this Inferno match and it's got something to do with that mysterious contract. OK, you're up to date on the plot points. I think. I didn't really SEE Heat, I had to pick it up from the commentary. I should probably try harder to watch that show except I was busy finding things to bitch about SuperBrawl IX at the time...
Do you care about ANY of this? Aha! Got you!
Undertaker talks. I'd SWEAR this was a throwback to old school promos since it's not out in the ring as a 15 minute interview - nothing wrong with that, by the way. I wish he didn't look so hard like he was READING, though. Tonight he intends to show how serious he is about his threat to take over the World Wrestling Federation. He's got a surprise in store. The WWF will be his - oh, and his Master's, one would assume.
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! Get a poster at Pep Boys! And by WWF: The Music (Volume 3) - get it at Circuit City! AND by Eidos Interactive, makers of Tomb Raider III! Lawler says "YEAH" like he's been having fantasies about Lara Croft...huh.
GOLDUST v. VAL VENIS in a nontitle match - you all know who the Master is, right? Good. Later tonight, Hardcore title match, X-Pac takes on Chyna, oh and that Infernal match. How can ladies dig that whole Val Venis presentation? The dude has no HAIR, for crying out loud! Val takes the mic, says "Hello Ladies" and that his dick is really big. Lockup, side headlock by Goldust, off the ropes we go, shoulderblock by GOldust. Back and forth, hiptoss attempt by Venis fails and there's a big clothesline from Goldust. To the corner, Goldust skips some punches in the Ten Punch Countalong to mess with the fans' minds. Stands on the neck. Goldust with some provocative posing and Venis hits a clothesline. Off the ropes, back elbow, elbow drop, 1, 2, kickout. Goldust comes back with some kicks to the back of the leg. Working the knee. More kicks, now pulling the leg back. Goldust goes out and gets the knee on the mat. Venis tries to punch back and Goldust rakes the face. Off the ropes, Venis ducks and punches, punches, punches, off the ropes, Val holds on and delivers the knee to the gut, twice, side Russian legsweep, standing over him for a pelvic thrust. Cole and Lawler discuss psychology as relating to both men. Atomic drop from Goldust, spinebuster by Venis. Right hand from Venis, whip, duck, Goldust slides under, stops, and has Venis leapfrog onto his knee. Owie. Lariat. BLUE MEANIE is on the ramp - Goldust turns to see him and Venis takes Goldust outside, then follows. Whip into the STEEL stairs. Venis throws him back in but before he can follow, Meanie hits from behind and hits a SUPER DDT on the floor - Venis does a headstand and crumples to the mat, that looks cool. Meanie throws Venis in and Goldust, surprised, pins him. (3:59) Meanie says "You're welcome" and Goldust looks puzzled. Replay of the DDT 'cause that was such a cool sell. Meanie's T-shirt hypes his website so I'll hype it too. Why not.
We see X-Pac and Chyna getting ready for their big match coming up next. And coming up LATER, the Inferno match!
Here's the US Coast Guard Rescue of the Week! It's Mankind rescuing us from having to hear any more of the Rock's Elvis impersonation with a Mandible Claw. From the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
Shane poses with the European belt while Chyna promises that it'll stay around his waist. "Is that a vein?" DON'T ANSWER THAT!
BOB HOLLY v. LEFTY GUNN for the Hardcore Title - I *don't* think I'll call him Hardcore Holly, thank you very much. Yes, Gunn comes out to the BrawlforAll theme. Yarrrrgh. The former New Midnight Express staredown in the middle of the ring. Shove from the former Bombastic one. Shove from the former Bodacious one. Right from Holly, left from Gunn, kick from Holly, trading punches again. More lefts from Bart and Holly's outside. Let the plunder begin! DAMN! Holly just broke a pitcher on Gunn! Chair to the head! Second chair shot from Holly - this should be over quick...right hand from Holly - kick from Holly, gutshot by Bart - and a GLASS is smashed over Holly's face to return the favour. Bell shot! Gunn rang his bell! M&M brings us the double feature - a better angle of the pitcher shot. Meanwhile, we're over the barricade as Gunn hits a clothesline. Looping left. Gunn removes the padding from the top of the barrier and drops Holly on top of it. "Get up!" Another left. Holly makes his way over to the fire extinguisher and prevents a chairshot from Gunn. Cooler of ice and water dumped on Gunn (ooooh!) Whip into the STEEL steps. STOP calling him Hardcore Holly! AAHHHHH!!! Ok, I'm better now. Vertical suplex attempt is countered - Gunn hits a suplex on the ramp. We relive Sparky Plugg one more time. Cover - 1, 2, kickout. Double feature of the suplex. Gunn with a *DDT* on the ramp. Back near the ring. Whip into the steps by Gunn. Now Gunn gets a fire extinguisher shot in. Holly manages a gut shot, now he's back up and punching away. Scoop and a slam onto the ramp. Holly and Gunn going up the ramp to the stage area. Head into the scaffold. Superkick by Holly, Gunn gets a kick of his own. Gunn finds a watermelon (...the HELL?) and puts it over Holly's head. There's a metal pole which breaks in half over Holly's back. I would say Gunn is in control. Whoops, spoke to soon - there's a Golotta from Holly. Holly lookin' for plunder. There's a crate of bananas. This is now officially declared by your columnist as "more choreographed than a Jackie Chan movie." Holly eats a banana 'cause it's funny and he saw the Rock do that on Halftime Heat. Garbage can to the head. Gunn STILL manages to fire back with lefts. Garbage can lid to the head. Gunn grinds a banana into Holly's head. Now they're trading blows - Gunn with a sack of flour (ooh, that's GOTTA hurt) and now SOME GUY is out and attacking Bart Gunn. He's wearing an "Oriental" outfit and doing some martial arts on him - goofy mask - Gunn thrown off the stage and through a table! That guy - what, he's Steve Williams? All right - walks off, and Holly finds Gunn and pins him on the table. (8:17) That was HARDLY fifteen feet there, Cole. Replay of the table throw.
Tonight - an Inferno match! May it be mercifully short!
Stone Cold Steve Austin - he crushed the Rock - he pummeled Mankind - he even decimated Vince McMahon - but is he ready for prime time? (Don Johnson, Steve Austin, and Cheech Marin:) "Oh hell yeah!" Austin 3:16 on "Nash Bridges" - "Nash Bridges" - on CBS! FRIDAY! IF YOU WATCH NASH BRIDGES ON CBS, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!
The WMXV countdown stands at *5* weeks! Sort of.
CHYNA (with SKIPPY) v. X-PAC (with TRIPLE H) for a WrestleMania European title match - is it just me, or did Shane's X-PUNK shirt say X-CHUMP a minute ago in that other clip? While H distracts referee "Blind" Tim White, X-Pac rushes Shane until Chyna hits from behind with a Golotta. H chases Shane around the ring a bit while Chyna uses her power moves on X-Pac. Forearm. Is that a Wolfpack flourish there? Crotch chop and the bronco buster attempt misses - X-Pac slides out of the ring and the chase is on again. As Shane, X-Pac and White Run here, there and everywhere, meanwhile, Triple H is IN the ring and giving Chyna a Pedigree. Shane slides through the ring, X-Pac follows, sees Chyna laid out and covers. Somehow White makes it in and counts 3. (1:11) WHATEVER. Triple H takes the mic and says "one bitch down, one bitch to go." X-Pac does his Ken Shamrock impersonation - they'll meet at WrestleMania.
This Friday night Steve Austin will open a can of whoopass on Nash Bridges. Clips courtesy CBS. Even *I* have better things to do Friday night, sorry. Besides, does CBS have ANYTHING worth watching? I mean, I would watch "60 Minutes" but dammit, there's WRESTLING on then!
If they show ONE more anti-smoking ad, I'm gonna start smoking, I swear. They're making it look so COOL.
Oh BOY! They're playing "No Chance in Hell" again! One more Home Shopping Network SHOPZONE plug as VINCENT K. makes one more walk into the ring. Once again he warns us that this match is not for the squeamish and faint of heart. Vince drops some more plot points for us to digest: "Tonight, the Undertaker, you're gonna get what you deserve. Undertaker, you dare threaten me in that matter? What goes around comes around. You burned your parents to death. Undertaker, you burned your home down, and you charred your brother in the process. And for that, and for these threats, Undertaker, nobody goes here, outside the WWF Arena, NOBODY does this to Vince McMahon. And because of that, Undertaker, the Inferno match - by God, you're gonna burn in Hell. So with that in mind, allow me to introduce to you the Corporation's personal instrument of destruction - here is - KANE!"
KANE v. UNDERTAKER in an Inferno match - Cole says McMahon is trying to chop off the head of the Ministry in order to kill it. Every time they say "first Inferno match ever on RAW" I keep thinking "and I HOPE it's the last!" I suppose they're trying to amortize the costs of all that Inferno paraphenalia, right? Har har. This is the first time we've seen Undertaker wrestle (ahem) since December's Buried Alive match. McMahon joins the commentary table. Cole tries to ask what was in that mysterious envelope. Vince: "There's nothing mysterious about it - shut up! It's personal, and we're gonna leave it at that - that's all. It's just personal. And let me tell you - nobody - I don't care if it IS the Undertaker - NOBODY goes THERE." Kane tries to strike first, but Undertaker ducks and punches and kicks away as the ring is lit. Arm wringer. Undertaker climbs to the top rope - daring tightropewalk and jump. Undertaker trying to put Kane into the first but he strikes back. Undertaker whipshim into the corner. Kane with a back elbow and a big boot. Chop under the throat. Whip is reversed, but Kane kicks him. Undertaker with kick and punch. Whip is reversed, powerslam by Kane punctuated with flames. Choke by Kane. Right hand. McMahon says this isn't business, it's personal. Kane with punches. In the corner - trying to get him in the flames. Right hand under the chin by Kane. Undertaker with a kick and an elbow, then a punch. Yeeha. Suplex attempt is blocked twice by Kane. Kane with a suplex of his own. PAUL BEARER is out, and he's bearing a black box with bow for McMahon - "Special Delivery Mr. McMahon!" Kane has Undertaker to the top turnbuckle. Punches in bunches. Whip into the opposite corner, Undertaker falls hard. Kane tries to push Undertaker into the flames. Kick to the head. Undertaker comes back. Punch from Undertaker and McMahon FINALLY opens the box. It's - McMahon's face drops and he ages ten years. It's - It's BOBO, MR. BURN'S TEDDY BEAR! Well, it's a teddy bear anyway. McMahon leaves the booth and walks off, calling Paul Bearer a son of a bitch and asking him what he's doing. Meanwhile, the punching and kicking continues. Whoa! Kane throws Undertaker over the top rope and over the flames. Kane to the top turnbuckle - he's gonna fly! He almost slipped, too. Anyway, he lands on the commentary table - pushing it back too. Undertaker takes Kane to the barricade, then runs the top of the table onto him. Whip is reversed and Undertaker goes into the STEEL steps. Kane is up first - big boot attempt - but Undertaker catches it and puts the boot in the fire! (6:50) I have to give 'em credit - I never saw the gel on the boot. Meanwhile, Undertaker has walked over to McMahon, who is melodramatically saying "Why? Why? WHY?" 'Taker takes the teddy bear from McMahon, lights it on fire and tosses it on the ramp while McMahon says "NOOO!" and then crawls toward it.
What does it all mean?
Well, I don't know - but I bet it ends in a WRESTLING MATCH! Haaaa!