/1 March 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
Joel Geraghty sums it up: Why are they slicing up your reports on
Wrestlemaniacs.com? I hate this, now I have to stay online to read the
whole thing, thusly tying up my phone line. There's probably some really
hot chick trying to call me but NOOOOOOO I HAVE TO STAY ONLINE TO READ
CRZ'S WHOLE REPORT. ASDFNSAG.
What can I say? Some of you got it, some of you wrote me to get the explanation, then you got it. Some of you will never read me again (but, strangely, you're reading this sentence now - hmmm). Rick put an extra bag of money in his lumpy mattress. You think it's EASY sleeping on all those pennies? On the other hand, Rick tells me that everything you've seen in those ads about the Healing Power of Copper is true.
I'm in LOVE with Wendy Shalit. I saw her on MSNBC last week and she's just the greatest person ever in the world. Too bad I have NO chance with her. Hey, you think she like professional wrestling? What about sports entertainment even?
Sometimes I think people send me mail solely to get it printed at the top of this column. Look at this one:
I'm BUSH LEAGUE, BABY! And that's the way I like it! Corporate journalism is for SUCKERS! Keep me independent until I DIE! Oh, and if you HATE this column...THANKS for coming back to read it ONE MORE WEEK!
Microsoft Media Player DOES NOT WORK ON MY MAC. I *want* to watch Heat, I *want* to watch Code-Red! every week, I *want* to get my weekly dose of Byte This! but the WWF website has GOT to go back to using RealVideo - it's just nuts.
Of course, being on the West Coast, I didn't even get the long-awaited return of Radio WWF to the airwaves - USA reran last week's Heat in its entirety. So I watched an old Royal Rumble main event instead. Isn't it weird to go back and listen to Vince McMahon be - you know, NORMAL? - on commentary. Hey, how come Shawn Michaels ALWAYS wins? I'm so glad there isn't anybody like that headlining the WWF THESE days...er....wait a minute...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Here's a TV-14-V rated clip montage of McMahon and Undertaker, an inferno match, a teddy bear, and "Don't Go There." "I hold the key to your heart, and your soul," sayeth Undertaker.
Closed captioned logo and opening credits. Is it me or these look just a BIT different? "RAW is WAR's a horn en ya huh!"
FIREWORKS! for we are OH SO LIVE from the Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH 1.3.99 (and don't you DARE say "mistake by the lake" or someone will get OFFENDED) which, coincidentally, lies on the road to WrestleMania XV. Your hosts are a pair of kings, Michael King Cole and Jerry "the King" Lawler. Since it IS the opening quarter hour, and since we ARE en espanol donde sea disponible (gracias, Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich!), let's fire up "No Chance in Hell" and welcome THE ENTIRE CORPORATION to the ring for the quarter hour interview setup piece. Boy, when they ALL walk out together, it looks like a DAMN big group of people. Fortunately, the numbers will dwindle by one as we learn that McMahon intends to fire Kane tonight for failing to win the Inferno match last week. Listen to that "asshole" chant. Vince is, and he don't like it. "Last week, here on RAW - in this very ring, television history was made. So rare - so rare that certain piece of footage that it has no been placed in the museum of television and radio in New York City, and what I'm making reference to is that one brief, ever so brief moment in the life of Vincent Kennedy McMahon when I showed weakness. And Undertaker, I admit to you, Undertaker, in the moment in time..." Crowd chants again - Shane's polishing his Euro title, heh "I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY DAMMIT! ... I admit, Undertaker, my feelings were crushed - I admit it. I admit I was a basket case of nerves - I was reduced to a ..." that's one lively crowd "I was reduced to a quivering mass of apoplexy, and why? Why, was it because of a teddy bear, was it because of a burning teddy bear, or was it because of what that bear represents to me? You see, none of you in this arena know, save a few perhaps, that are not in the arena but on the premises, none of you know the capacity that I have - to love - none of you know the capacity that I have to feel, to care. None of you even know the capacity that I have to cherish. And I wouldn't expect you to know, because amoebas don't feel very much. But let's face it, a man of my distinction should not have to be publicly humiliated in this ring as I was last week. And it'll never happen again - NEVER. You see Undertaker, you had a surprise for me last week, well I've got one for YOU, THIS week. Kane - Kane, you promised me, you swore to me that in the Inferno match last week on RAW, you swore to me the Undertaker was gonna burn in hell. You lied, and now *you* can go to Hell, because Kane - read my lips, YOU'RE FIRED. Now get out! Get the hell out! Oh, and by the way, I've brought a little welcoming committee just for you, maybe they can take you back where you truly belong pal - have a good night. Come on, get him! Get him, dammit, get him!" Those would be the ORDERLIES in their snazzy white coats come to take Kane to the insane asylum. But at the last minute - Chyna leaves the ring and helps Kane take out all eight of 'em. Chyna says that Vince is making a mistake - he can't control Kane but SHE can. She asks that he give Kane a chance to prove himself but giving him a match with Austin tonight. If he beats Austin, he stays in, if not, he's out. Vince says if Kane defeats Austin, fine, if not, he AND Chyna are fired. Now here's MANKIND at the top of the ramp - since Vince is in such a giving mood, perhaps he'd like to give Mankind a shot at guest referee for this Kane/Austin match as another chance to show Commissioner Michaels what a good ref he could be, thereby securing the spot as second special ref for the WrestleMania main event. Vince says nah. But, if he'd like to be the second special referee, all he has to do is fight the Undertaker tonight. Mankind agrees - then the lights go out and BONG...BONG... Cole says "Oh my God!" Umm, why? 'cause the lights went out? "McMahon - I've told you what I plan to do. And I've told you what it is I'm going to take. (laughter)" That voice sure sounds familiar... We're reminded that this arena hosted the infamous pre-taped Boiler Room Brawl. Tonight, WWF title match - Rock vs. Road Dogg - triple threat for the Intercontinental title, and... Ryan Shamrock leaving a locker room!
Let Us Take You Back to During the Break, as Steve Austin arrives. Earl Hebner meets with him and tells him that he's got a match with Kane tonight. Austin says he doesn't care, but thanks anyway.
VAL VENIS v. KING KEN SHAMROCK v. GOLDUST (with Blue Meanie) in a Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today as the doctor fails to give Billy Gunn clearance to wrestle tonight due to fluid in the lungs, or something (Gunn coughs for dramatic effect). Last night on the Heat No One Saw, we learned that Blue Meanie was just wanting to hang with the Bizarre One (makes sense - HA) and that was why he helped Goldust secure a nontitle victory LAST week on RAW. Before we get too far, RYAN SHAMROCK is out to walk around and make us wonder why she's here. Standard triple threat match has two guys fight while one guy rests, then the pin attempt is ALWAYS broken up. Tonight, Austin vs. Kane, Undertaker vs. Mankind, Rock vs. Road Dogg for the title, and Mr. McMahon's "surprise" for the Undertaker. The night before WrestleMania, catch the Ragin' Party on USA! Goldust, now outside, makes eyes to Ryan and when Ken turns to see what's going on, there's the Greco-Roman liplock applied. Ken's a little unhappy - he DDT's Venis - goes outside - nails the Meanie - and now Goldust and Ken are over the barricade. When referee "Blind" Mike Ciota counts at the speed of light, you KNOW he's meant to get to 10 (COR 3:30). We watch Ryan make faces. Don't tell me they're not only taking Gunn's title shot away but his WOMAN, too! Well, maybe not. Here's BADD ASS BILLY GUNN running down the ramp, attacking Venis from behind, running him into the STEEL steps - and coughing.
Backstage, we see Jim Ross (with his back to us), talking to Mankind and Al Snow. He's NEXT!
APW ACTION at the Mt. Pleasant HS Gymnasium in San Jose 12 March! Mike Modest vs. Maxx Justice! Mighty midgets! 1930 bell time, it is TOO HOT TO HANDLE! Or so says the ad.
Hey, there's the Mankind Chef Boyardee ad. "BEEFY!" That's pretty funny! I hope I see it a MILLION times!
Attendance is announced at 18,124 as we look at the Gund Arena.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to RAW is WAR good ol' J.R., JIM ROSS!" You can tell he's been working hard on the voice - only the b's are giving him problems, which is too bad because he has to say "Butterbean," "BrawlFORall," and "BART GUNN" before too long. Interesting that Ross would get THIS interview as his first assignment back on the big show...is YOUR spider sense tingling as we are taken back to last week's Hardcore Title match which saw Gunn lose after a mysterious masked man threw him through a table. Ross asks if he can knock out Butterbean like he knocked out everybody else in the BFA. Gunn says he's training not just to beat him, but to knock him out. "I notice you're having a little trouble looking me in the face. You know, a lot of people around here in the WWF seem to be having a lot of trouble looking at JR's face these days. You know folks, when my momma died in December and the next day I got Bell's Palsy for the second time, they told me that I'd get my chair back, right over there, when I got ready. Well, I was ready, Bart, at the Royal Rumble. I was ready to go back to work. And they flew me and my wife out to California from Connecticut. It was gonna be a happy day for the Ross family, and by God, we needed some happiness. Well they told me late on Saturday night, oh J.R., we don't want you to go back to work now, you're not ready because - nobody wants to look at your face. Nobody wants to look at you, JR, because you're - your paralysis in your face. I had to go back up ... and tell my wife that I wasn't gonna get my job back. How do you think, Bart, that made me feel?" "Well, J.R., you know, I'm very sorry about your condition, but what's that got to do with me?" "It's got every damn thing to do with you. Remember a guy by the name of Dr. Death Steve Williams? The guy that you told everybody was my BOY? J.R.'s BOY? You even called me and said, J.R., am I gonna get 'heat' with you for knockin' out your BOY before the BrawlforAll? Well, first of all, he ain't no boy, he's a man. He's a man. And so you knocked him out, that was no big deal. I think it was a lucky punch, in my view. But the big deal was not that you knocked him out, but you told all the boys in the back that you knocked out J.R.'s BOY. You told everybody that you humiliated J.R. You embarrassed J.R. Wasn't that a funny thing - I got one over on ol' J.R. In twenty damn years in the business, Bart, twenty years in the business, you tried to take away from me with your ridicule - listen - LOOK AT ME IN THE FACE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU - show me a little bit of respect, willya? Show me some respect! Because I want you to look me in the eye when I do what I have never done in my career, and that is slap the hell out of someone--" and he DOES. Holy shit! J.R. dares Gunn to hit him. Gunn takes umbrage. "What the hell are you thinking about? What gives you the right to come out here and hit me? I'm not to blame for any of this stuff! I did my job and I did it very well. Don't you EVER lay your hands on me again, pal." "You're responsible for this, and you KNOW it!" and DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS is in and suplexing Bart right on his head. And Ross is DIRECTING TRAFFIC! Telling Dr. Death to "stomp his ass" and DAMN, that's not what I expected from this segment at all, but that's pretty cool. I guess the Ross heel turn is back on, two years later. Wow.
We see Debra checking out her breasts backstage - Lawler is SO shocked over Ross' actions that he forgets to make them leering noises.
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Krispy M's! From last night's Heat that no one saw, D'Lo Brown and Ivory distract Owen Hart enough to get pinned by Too Much in a nontitle tag match.
WWF RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily and Pep Boys, 10-10-345 and NAPA auto parts! ALL products used by viewers from 2-14!
OWEN HART & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Debra Nolastname) v. ? - Debra's in a slinky robe and probably not much else. Owen reminds us he's not a nugget, by way of encouraging a "Nuh-git" chant. Jarrett issues the open challenge - who shall respond? Debra adds the incentive that she'll give the robe off her back to a team that can win the titles from her team. If breasts are to be exposed, we'll have to see
TEAM NO-NAME v. TRIPLE H & X-PAC for the tag team championship - DX attacks before the bell and quickly gains control. Triple H goes outside and the doubleteam is on. Owen is out once Jarrett is in control, back and forth, over and under, spinning heel kick by X-Pac to gain control. Tag to H, kick to the gut, right hands, repeated punches, whip into the opposite corner, Jarrett comes out with a back elbow and tags Owen. Big-time "Nuh-git" chant. Cole promises Heat footage on LiveWire this Saturday. Hart pounding away, whip is reversed, high knee from H. Whip is reversed, Hart puts the head down and H's knee meets it. Pedigree attempt is broken up by Jarrett. H manages some rights on Jarrett but turns around to eat a Ghetto Blaster from Hart. Tag to Jarrett. Doubleteam. Make a wish! Uppercut from Jarrett, but the Bossman straddle only finds the rope. Hart is in to prevent a comeback. Off the ropes, sleeper applied! Triple H fighting to get to his partner - not getting there, he suplexes Hart instead. Both men down - tag to Jarrett, tag to X-Pac. X-Pac ducks a clothesline and kicks away. Did Jarrett try a 'rana? No matter, powerbomb counter - Hart breaks it up. Triple H back in and it's a donnybrook (a WHAT?) the Blondes collide and Hart and Triple H go outside while X-Pac puts the bronco buster on Jarrett. Now Debra is up on the apron - but X-Pac only crotch chops her (what's WRONG with him?) Debra, always thinking, turns to referee "Blind" Tim White and the next thing you know she's put his hands ALL over her. X-Pac has hit the X Factor on Jarrett but there's no count as White is a little - um - busy. Hart, back in, pushes X-Pac into White, which sends Debra tumbling to the floor. NOW X-Pac is concerned for her safety, so he goes outside to check on her - just in time for SKIPPY to appear and run X-Pac into the STEEL steps. The chase is on, leaving Triple H in a handicap match. Jarrett whip, head down - Pedigree setup - but Hart hits a nifty spinning heel kick as IVORY comes out - White randomly calls for the bell (DQ? 5:03) as X-Pac comes back from the back. The ring is cleared of everyone not in DX as we watch Ivory and Debra exchange less-than-friendly glares. Because there aren't enough people involved in this segment, the champs keep BACKING UP the ramp so that they can be jumped from behind buy A GUY WHO LOOKS SO FAMILIAR, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLACE HIM - HMMM - AH, IT'S D'LO BROWN - who dutifully jumps both champs and has no problem taking care of them, leaving Debra alone to be distracted and then SHE is jumped from behind by Ivory - well, more properly - DISROBED from behind. Listen to Lawler gleefully chortle "bra and panties!" as we mercifully take a break.
Do you ever get the feeling that Ivory would just crumble to dust if she were somehow separated from that scarf? Can you imagine the booking meeting for that. "Hell, we've got to have SOMETHING with her that we can use as a trademark!" "I've GOT IT! We'll have her ALWAYS carry around a scarf!" "Good Lord, that's BRILLIANT!"
RAW is WAR returns to the Shark Tank - the San Jose Arena Monday 15 March - two weeks until LIVE action! Bell time is 1730 and I'm always willing to be comped, in return for which I offer to sing the national anthem. (In the WWF, that's like saying "please send Kane out to chokeslam me halfway through.")
KEVIN KELLY works tonight! And he's finally SHAVED! Good for him! (This coming from a guy who hasn't gotten a haircut in a few years - but no goatee at least!) Anyway, as we get a (probably unnecessary) replay (but who cares) of Debra losing her robe, Debra challenges Ivory to a match - ummm, Debra, you can't wrestle. No matter I suppose...
Here's another replay of what just happened - Shane and X-Pac advance their issue.
LUNA TUNES and TORRI POWERS make their way to the ring - oh, they're friends now. Pay attention! You know, Tori's got quite the body - oh, sorry. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Sable whacked them two with the Women's Title. "Sable, I tried reasoning with you. And then you attacked me, and this poor woman - your #1 fan - from behind? Well tonight, she asked to come down here and stand by me - not you, but by me. And tonight, I'm standing up for Tori and I'm standing up for myself, and I'm standing up for all these fans that you USED to get you where you are right now. Tonight, sister, I'm going to bring you back down to earth - bring you back down to earth where you belong." Well, here's (THE LOVELY) SABLE, changing her whole mannerism set EVER so slightly. Courtesy wwf.com, we see the Playboy cover where Sable will appear. Someone tell her the tag is sticking up out of her shorts there. Anyway, before a match can start, it's *Tori* attacking Sable from behind. Now they're both putting the boots to Sable. Sablebomb gently places Luna on the canvas. Sable's music fires up and Sable completely ignores Tori - you get the feeling maybe she's just USING her?
Backstage, we see the Rock - his match is NEXT!
The Undertaker is appearing on "Poltergeist: The Legacy" in 2 weeks, right after Sunday Night Heat. I think I'd rather watch the Simpsons, no offense.
ROCK v. ROAD DOGG for the WWF Championship - we turn the hour and pop up the TV-14-V box. "Go to rehab, and when you come out we'll have your own T-shirt made for you!" Well, maybe that's not EXACTLY what they said. Actually, they only said James was out with "an injury," so that's the story. James manages to get the crowd to not say "the Badd Ass Billy Gunn doing his introduction." Rock says "rooty poot candy ass" just to show that HE can make the crowd mindlessly chant along as well. Rock starts out in control. When the "Rocky sucks" chant fires up, Rock starts to smell it. James is back with a dropkick and a lariat following a reversed Irish whip. To the corner, kicking away, whip into the opposite corner reversed, big boot - kick to the gut from the Rock and a DDT for 2. Rock looks to the entranceway - and there's PAUL WIGHT (shadow) lumbering to ringside. Rock continues putting the boots to the Dogg, now we're outside, now I reckon Rock's gonna provide some commentary. "Monkey ass...Smackdown hotel..." okay, thank you. Everybody's back in the ring. Side Russian legsweep from the Rock. 1, 2, kickout. Rock kicking away. Later tonight, Ivory/Debra. While Rock talks to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, Wight provides a headbutt for good measure. Somehow Dogg comes back with some fists, but there's a Samoan Drop from the Champ. Near fall, kickout at 2. Head to the buckle. Coming out, Dogg steps aside and Rock hits the corner. Now he's hitting the lefts and the big right. Flying forearm, snapmare, wiggly wobbly kneedrop, off the ropes, reverse, uranage (that's a Rock Bottom, okay), and now it's time for the Corporate Elbow. So much for that. 1, 2, 3. (4:15) Cole says it was Wight's headbutt that secured the victory (totally ignoring the fact that Dogg's big flurry was AFTER that headbutt, oh well).
Oh no, this segment isn't over yet. AL SNOW & HEAD walk out with a chair - Snow's ready to resume the three match series, because it's a bit of retribution for "doing the J-O-B to B-O-B on the P-P-V" Instead, it's *Dogg* getting the retribution as he takes the chair to Snow, and then to BOB HOLLY, who ambles out for no apparent reason. Give that man the stick! "You see, I see no reason to further disrupt this television show. So if you two pussies want any more, I'll be in the parking lot waiting on your asses!" Can you say "pussies" on television? So I sense a Hardcore matchup later in the show.
Backstage, we see Chyna telling Kane the stakes.
The U.S. Coast Guard brings you the Rescue of the Week - Kane's rescue of Chyna from a Pedigree at the hands of Triple H. Oops, Terry Taylor said the verboten words "Hunter Hearst Helmsley!" He's fined! That man's name is TRIPLE H, God DAMN it!
We are LIVE in the parking lot where Dogg is waiting for Al Snow and his Bodyless Bitch and (I won't call him) Hardcore Holly. "You ain't got the cajones!"
The Brood's music plays, but really it's PUBLIC ENEMA reminding us that they USED to have a sense of humour once upon a time. The WrestleMania Rage Party tickets are on sale! The Big Punisher will be there! Being nominated is JUST as good as winning the Grammy, right? Apparently, this week Flyboy Rocco Rock is Flyboy Rocco (and next week, he'll lose another name and just be Flyboy - what a shame. What, is it CONFUSING to have more than one Rock? Is Rocco too close to Socko? Give me a fuckin' BREAK here.) Oh yeah, they're not afraid of the Brood. Rock does his Bischoff impression by mouthing along what Grunge is saying. The lights dim and the Brood's music plays again - and when the lights come up, Grunge is alone in the ring - he runs off to find his partner.
Back in the parking lot, it's Holly and James beating each other up with - what, boxes of paper? Those look kinda heavy. Oops, I think I just saw Flyboy in the background and I wasn't supposed to! We must be live and stuff.
Now Holly and Dogg are playing with portable dumpsters, apparently where the myriad of referees and officials can't find them to break it up. Dogg into the reserve barricades. Whip is reversed into a tower of plastic drink crates. Head to a door as we hear a bell ring.
DROZ v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) in a Kendo Stick match - both men have Singapore canes - the object is to long the other guy down to win the match. This was set up on the Heat we didn't see last night. Of course, Blackman is screwed because referee "Blind" Theodore Long got in the way and fell down before seeing Droz fall after a nasty shot from Blackman. Droz got up, and caned Blackman while he had his back turned to check on the ref. Droz is announced the winner as everybody holds their respective achin' parts. Neat welts on Blackman and Droz, and I wonder if even now this issue is over. I say not until Blackman gets his revenge by KILLING Droz. 'Cause Blackman rules. (1:14)
Looks like Dogg and Holly are still fighting - climbing two flights of stairs (that's entertainment!) and going out a door - the hard way. Looks like Snow is going to make his surprise appearance here. I don't WHAT that was - it looked like a lamp but it wasn't. ANYWAY, they brawl out into traffic, when the refs and officials FINALLY catch up to them.
Speaking of mean streets, here's a profile of Greenwich and how tough a town it is, and how tough a guy Shane is. If you don't believe it, check out Rodney and Pete "Gas." They're - no this kinda sucked actually and I won't talk about it. Nope. Can't make me. Oh, wait I *will* note that "pussy" is bleeped here unlike earlier, so I guess you CAN'T say this on television. (Okay, maybe this was a LITTLE funny. You may write me email reminding me that I'm biased now.)
Another local promo for RAW is WAR live in two weeks
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Johnny Grunge has found his tag team partner - strung up and covered with red stuff. Grunge calls for help...
Oh boy! "No Chance in Hell" accompanies VINCENT K. to the commentary table for the next match. Vince casually mentions that there'll be a Hell in the Cell match at WrestleMania between Undertaker and Big Boss Man. Wha...
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. MANKIND - Cole tries to get McMahon to explain the significance of the bear, and Mr. McMahon says he will not respond to "personal" questions. McMahon says just maybe Mankind will join the Corporation - wha?? Sign in audience: "FOLEY FLAKES" Undertaker has his way with Mankind to start, then lets referee "Blind" Tim White know that he's calling the shots in this match. Mankind pounds away to try to come back, whip into the corner, Undertaker steps aside and the shoulder hits the post. Undertaker continues an attack on the arm and shoulder. Time for the tightrope walk, but Mankind catches him in a Mandible claw as he leaps off the top rope. Out of desperation, Undertaker falls - and takes Mankind through the ropes to the outside. Big boot to the face and now Undertaker is outside as well. Whip is reversed and Undertaker hits the STEEL steps hard. Mankind with a running knee, sandwiching Undertaker's head between knee and steps. McMahon leave the commentary table as Mankind grabs a chair and runs - Undertaker puts up a boot and Mankind absorbs the chairshot. Chair to the back by Undertaker. Mankind rolled back in - and apparently, even though he was turned towards and talking to Paul Bearer the whole time, Tim White has been counting to ten, and that's a victory for Mankind. (COR 3:09) Not exactly CLASSIC, was it. Undertaker turns to McMahon. The tabletop is lifted off the commentary table - McMahon placed on it - Undertaker standing on it - no way. Chokeslam? No, BIG BOSS MAN is out with the nightstick and it's on. The crowd perks way up as the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES it out and Boss Man and McMahon make a hasty escape through the crowd. Undertaker's music plays (hey Undertaker, you lost) and he makes a spooky face. Then he climbs back in the ring, where Mankind hasn't been paying attention. There's a chokeslam. BONG...BONG... Completely lost in all this is the fact that Mankind will INDEED be the second referee for the WrestleMania main event. Maybe it'll be mentioned after the ad break.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where you see what you just seen
Back to LIVE and we see Boss Man and McMahon pile into a limo which speeds away.
WWF WrestleMania XV is brought to you by Krispy M's - the feeding frenzy has something something
DEBRA (with Jedoublef Jadoubleredoublet & Owen Hart) v. IVORY (with... with... damn, who IS that guy? I *swear* I *just* saw him earlier - oh yeah, it's D'Lo Brown - oh, and a scarf) Clips from last night's Heat match between Ivory and Jacqueline which no one saw - nice DDT there from Ivory. As the bell rings and Ivory rushes Debra, some music fires up and PMS bounce to the ring - Jackie attacks Ivory to make sure nothing interesting happens with this match (DQ :20) while Terri takes a headset to remind us that you shouldn't screw with PMS 'cause it's all messy - err, I think I took some liberties with that statement. PILEDRIVER on Ivory! PMS & Debra walk off - together? Are they in cahoots? We won't tell you tonight!
Look, it's Austin! And he's WALKING! He must be NEXT!
That's it, I'm starting smoking RIGHT NOW. I HAAAAAATE that ad. It'll be MY way of sticking it to the Man! Of course, if Philip Morris PAYS for the ad, am I really just playing right into their hands? Oh, my head hurts. Maybe I'll just have some caffeine instead.
WrestleMania countdown is at *4* weeks (rounding up)!
KANE (with That Slut Chyna) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - I *think* there's a lot of time left in this show... Austin attacks before the bell, Kane picks him up and reverses it. Austin reverses again and now here's a whip, reverse, back bodydrop by Kane. Big lariat from Kane. Big-time "Austin" chant. Whip into the opposite corner, Austin lands hard. Into the corner, kick, into the opposite corner, Austin puts up a boot and falls to the canvas. Kane advances, Austin grabs a boot and wraps the knee around the STEEL ringpost. Austin clips him, then elbowdrops the left knee. Kane comes back with big seated legdrops across the face. Austin grabs his nose outside, but he's only playing possum. Back to the leg attack by Kane. Leg draped across the bottom rope and there's the big sitdown. On the apron - Kane manages a hot shot to regain the big mo. Vertical suplex for 2 by Kane. Short-arm clothesline. Kane goes outside and positions Austin on the apron - big forearm across the chest, and again. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner goes outside to try to get it back in - but nope. Whip is reversed and Kane goes into the STEEL steps. While Hebner checks on Kane, Chyna gets in a forearm. Austin absorbs it and the chase is on - Kane tries to rush from behind but Austin back bodydrops him over the barricade - now he follows and it's on in the crowd. Piledriver attempt by Austin! But Kane reverses into a back bodydrop. Blatant choke. Right hand from Kane and the "Austin" chant is welling up from the crowd. Back over the barricade - Austin punches away - Austin to the apron - double axehandle attempt, no - Kane catches him and drives him into the post. Now driven into the post RIGHT on the small of the back. Kane throats him on the barricade. Chyna getting in a few licks of her own with her high-heeled wrestling boots. Also a forearm from the Ninth Wonder. Meanwhile, Kane is back and he's brought the ref with him. Austin's head meets the STEEL steps, then Austin lunges at the camerman. A Krispy Double Feature shows Chyna's forearm again. We're back in the ring! Backbreaker by Kane. 1, 2, WEAK kickout from Austin. Whip is reversed - sleeper by Austin! (He should use the million dollar dream) Kane backs into the corner to get it broken. Austin tries a bodyslam but Kane falls on him for 2. Bearhug by Kane. I'm guessing Austin doesn't give it up here. Austin punching to the head to get the hold broken - now coming back with repeated rights. Kick to the gut, Stunner attempt is blocked and Kane pushes Austin into Hebner, who goes down like a ton of bricks as he is wont to do. Chyna's up on the apron - tombstone attempt doesn't happen as Austin goes down and pushes Kane into Chyna - Stunner by Austin! But Hebner's down. Here's the slooooooooow count. 1....2....Chyna pulls off Austin but Hebner didn't see THAT. Austin takes Chyna but before anything can happen, Kane is on him. Back suplex and both men down. Now PAUL WIGHT (to vote) is out - apparently, he didn't join the Corporation in the limo. Kane does the zombie situp at 7 - scales the top rope, waits for Austin to recover - and there's the flying clothesline. 1, 2, shouldabeen 3 but there's a "kickout." Kane pouring on the rights and the crowd chants Austin's name. Hebner tries to stop Kane but nothing done. Austin manages a kick to the 'nads and now HE'S raining down the punches, then the kicks. Hebner tries to stop Austin and no luck there. But when Austin turns back, Kane is on him. Off the ropes - Thesz press. Austin punching and Hebner warning him to stop the madness. Wight put a chair in the ring but Austin picked it up first. There's a chairshot and another to Kane...hmm, usually there'd be a DQ there. Chyna in the ring - Austin tries to chair HER but misses. Austin motions to Giant...and promptly receives a low blow from Chyna because he wasn't paying attention to her anymore. At least Hebner is consistent about not calling DQ's for either side. Anyway, Kane has Austin held for Wight - and you know what happens here - Austin ducks and Kane eats a Wight superkick. Austin flips the double bird, his music plays and he walks off..
Uh, did we forget something? (? 14:00)
See you next week!