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/29 March 1999





One World Leader Attitude - WWF! Let's debut the NEW ratings box of TV-14-DLV (ah, hell, just put the S in there and let's get it over with)

Back on 27 September 1998, Stone Cold Steve Austin lost the WWF Championship - clips show Vince taking the title belt and sneering "It's mine!" In the intervening six months, we've all been on a fantastic voyage - in clips! There's Austin getting screwed by Shane, there's Austin getting pinned by Vince, there's Austin giving the beer bath, and there's Austin once again holding the WWF championship belt high - from last night's WrestleMania.

Closed captioned opening credits (but even THEY can't make sense of those lyrics!) - closed captioning brought to you by 10-10-321 in case you're interested, and I know you're not...

Can we be ANY MORE LIVE from the Continental Airlines Arena "in the shadow of New York City" (which I *believe* would be an insult to the fine folks living in East Rutherford, NJ) 29.3.99 as RAW is WAR on USA and TSN. Let's waste no time!

I hear glass, time for the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out and posing at all four corners - dropping the belt once (what, is he drunk ALREADY?) but managing to avoid injuring his knee. Austin tells us he did exactly what he said he was gonna do - reprising last week's interview regarding his trip to the Smackdown Hotel. He gives props to Rock for a hell of a fight. "Now that all the sentimental crap is out of the way - when I woke up this morning and look past the pile of beer cans, and I saw this WWF belt sittin' there, I thought to myself, that damn thing ain't worth all the trouble. I looked at that belt and I said, that belt just ain't worth all the aggravation. I looked at that belt and said 'EH EH' - that damn thing just ain't gonna cut it - so what I want is - Vince I know you're back there, I know you're watching your little monitor, what I want you to do is come out here because tonight, on Monday Night RAW, I am gonna relinquish the WWF belt. If you don't know what that means, Vince, it means I'm gonna give your little belt back to ya, so bring your ass out here... I ain't gonna wait all night, Vince, I ain't got no tricks up my sleeve, come on out here and get your little belt!" You know, I can't help but think he DOES have some tricks up his sleeve, and I think VINCENT K. does too, as he cautiously walks down the ramp to the ring. Austin says "trust me," reminding me of Jake Roberts. The crowd is so speechless, they almost - ALMOST - forget to chant "asshole." Vince timidly approaches Austin, tentatively reaches for the belt, then snatches it. "Austin - I knew one day you'd crack under the pressure - I just wish I could say thank you. But I can't." As he turns to leave, Austin stops him. Then he asks for some footage - Let Us Take You Back to Breakdown, where Vince made off with the championship belt after Austin lost - by now, most of you Wheel of Fortune watchers have already figured out what's going on, but in case you don't, we see a clip of McMahon promising to put the belt (Stone Cold's custom made rattlesnake belt - Get It?) on his mantle. Austin says he can have THAT belt back, but he wants HIS belt out of "Green-wich" and back with him. If he doesn't produce it in two hours, he'll beat his ass. "Well first of all, let me remind you of something, and that is, the championship belt that you want IS on my mantle, and I must be honest with you. Every morning when I get up and walk by that mantle, it reminds me that I own a piece of Stone Cold, and the answer is NO, you're not gonna get your championship belt. There's no reason for me to give you that belt, it's mine." "If you want me to beat his ass, give me a hell yeah." "Wait wait wait just a moment - I'd like to remind you, you may be the WWF Champion, and it sticks in my craw, yeah, but you lay one head on me without sufficient physical provocation, and you know what the contract reads, you'll be fired on the spot! It's up to you, Austin!" Austin calls for his other piece of footage - footage from last night's WrestleMania main event, where Vince is shown stompin' away on Austin. Austin says that looks like sufficient physical provocation, and he's got a 24 hour window as a result - two hours of which are left - so if he DOESN'T produce the belt, there'll be some mudhole stompin' and dry walkin', and that's the bottom yadda 'cause yadda yadda said yadda. Austin poses, and because they HAVE to throw me a surprise to keep me interested, McMahon gets a SHOT with the belt right across the head of Austin. Well, that was cool. McMahon does his Shane impersonation and sprints off. Austin gets the last word in so the crowd will be happy. But let's see a replay of that belt waffle. Yowza!

Your hosts are a pair of kings - Michael King Cole (do you find my commentary symbolic? IS IT SYMBOLIC? IS IT SYMBOLIC?) and Jerry "the King" Lawler. Tonight, the Rock takes on Badd Ass Billy Gunn! Road Dogg defends the IC title against Goldust! The Big Show is out of jail and he's unhappy! All this and SO MUCH MORE!

Speaking of which, here's ten breasts in twenty seconds - Ivory, Tori, Jacqueline, Terri, and Sable! And they're all WALKING!

And here's some more breasts! Ewww, Paul Bearer's! The Ministry of Darkness is also WALKING! I can't handle this excitement, quick throw some promos and commercials my way as I catch my breath!

WrestleMania encore has clips aplenty from last night's action - McMahon's slap on Wight, many clips from Rock/Austin (hey, the only reason Austin kicked out of the Rock Bottom was a weight distribution issue, okay?), and the encore is Tuesday at 8.

By the way, WrestleMania was good - but "good" in the context of WrestleMania ain't good enough for me. I want "special," dammit! Oh, wait, I'm just LOOKING for a reason to complain, aren't I. Still, Rick's a little TOO giddy in my opinion, well, good for him I guess. If I didn't work Sunday nights, I'd probably drink a lot and enjoy it a lot more, too. I mean, not that Rick...oh never mind. Hey Rick, I LOVE YOU MAN!

The US Coast Guard brings you the RESCUE OF THE WEEK! - from last night's WrestleMania, Nicole Bass rescues Sable from a championship loss, and rescues several males from rampant heterosexuality in the process.

Let's take you back to moments ago so you can see Vince waffle Austin with the title again.

Backstage, Vince asks Stephanie to call the house and get the belt over here. Shane takes umbrage, and Vince says who are you talking to, then he says don't worry, we'll do this my way. It's probably only coincidence that Stephanie makes her RAW debut tonight...yeah...coincidence...

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee, makers of overstuff ravioli, Castrol Motor Oily and Burger King - the king of fries! You want fries with that?

(THE LOVELY) SABLE & JACQUELINE (with Smokin' Terri Runnels) v. IVORY (with pointless, INCREDIBLY ANNOYING scarf) & TORI - let us take you back to the Playboy cover. Sable's exciting catchphrase is officially "This is for all the ladies who want to be me, and all the men who come to see me." Her I-Can't-Dance move is now officially known as "the Grind," which I will dub "le Grind" in honour of the Artist Formerly Funky. Let us take you back to last night, where Terri put out her lit cigar on Ivory's face. Terri's cigar is unlit right now, which means Terri can fellate it for our pleasure. I kinda like Tori's catsuit, sorry. Ivory attacks Jacqueline before the belt - weave snapmare! Extension snapmare! Off the ropes - clothesline! Got her in the catapult position - no, it's a SPIN! Whee! Tag to Tori. Lots of sizing each other up - we see Terri trying to light up, and Ivory leaving the apron to chase her. They're both back to the back - Tori, distracted, is pounded from behind by Jackie. Punch, off the ropes, duck, crossbody from Tori for 2. Jacqueline pops up, and decides to tag - Sable having been not paying attention to the match at all, being more preoccupied with grinding or whatever. Anyway, she comes in - tags JACKIE with the belt, allowing Tori to execute the backslide while Sable grinds. Well, there wasn't really a tag, so I guess it's legal - 1, 2, 3. (1:25) Tori tells Sable to come get some - but before they can lock up, the lights go out - BONG - here comes the BROOD, VISCERA & MIDIAN - as they surround Sable, we see UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER come down the ramp. I can do without that chanting in the Undertaker's theme now, you know. Sable looks kinda frightened, proving she CAN act when the mood strikes her. "No, child - don't be scared - I came out here to see what you got." Sable kinda warms up to this and starts le Grind again - Undertaker grabs her by the throat. YEAH! KILL HER! Oops. "McMahon, I got your precious little meal ticket, and I can snap her like a twig, so what it is, I want you to come out here right now before I snap her head right off her shoulders. And you better come alone." Backstage, we see Vince tell Stephanie to stay put (uh oh) and Shane to stay with her - he'll take care of this. We see the cameraman follow Vince out the door (uh oh) and we cut back to the ring. Vince takes a little longer than I'd like, but it gives me a chance to fixate on Edge's pearly whites. VINCENT K. is finally out. "What kind of man are you?" and then he cuts short - looks like he's just realising something - "Stephanie! --" and he drops the mic and bolts. "It's nice to see his true colours - let's just see what he really thinks of his PERSONAL assets." We go backstage to see McMahon sprinting past the downed security - Shane appears from a different door - they walk in the office - but it's empty (hey wait there WAS a cameraman still in there! I guess it wasn't REALLY empty) - Stephanie's gone.

So why did Shane leave the room? And was there tape in that cameraman's...oh give it a rest.

When we come back, Shane is callin' the cops and Vince is telling him not to. "I knew this would happen - you saw what he did to Bossman last night...they could not have gone far..." Vince breaks down before our eyes.

X-PAC comes out to the DX theme as Lawler speculates that it must have been the absent Acolytes doing the dirty work off camera. Last night, Triple H (who will hopefully get his name back tonight) turned Corporate and turned on X-Pac in a genuine shocker after reuniting with Chyna (which was not a shock, so it was nice to see a surprise in there last night.) "You know, one year ago tonight, I came back to the World Wrestling Federation. I came back because I got a call from a friend. He said, 'Kid, DX is falling apart - please come help hold this thing together.' Well it's been a hell of a ride! Along with the New Age Outlaws, we've kicked ass and taken names for a year straight! But unless you've had your head buried in the sand, you know last night that all changed. You know we got a lot of important choices to make in life - and last night, you made yours. But tonight, I make mine. And D-Generation X WILL NOT DIE - X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws will come out here each and every week and say 'Suck it' and raise hell! But now, I'm talking to you, Hunter. That is your name - but tonight, you're not Hunter, you are the hunted, pal. Because tonight, we WILL fight, and YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I'M - GONNA - SMOKE IT!" Hey, I thought he said he was gonna say "suck it." Oh well.

McMahon is still unhappy. They didn't find Stephanie in the parking lot. The phone rings - "Vince - it is true, isn't it. She really is sugar and spice and everything nice, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...." unfortunately, this is one of those MAGIC phones that Vince and you and I can here, but Shane can't. Vince slams the headset of the phone to the floor as Shane asks what's happening.

Exterior shot from the Continental Airlines Arena - as we longingly look at the New York City skyline and feel bad that we're actually in Jersey...

PAUL WIGHT (WASH) v. TEST - Wight comes out to his own music, 'cause he ain't corporate no more, no no, he sure ain't corporate no more. He's officially announced at 500 pounds. Let's take you back to last night's big show, where THE Big Show teased a Vince McMahon chokeslam, Vince did NOT tease a big slap, and Wight subsequently laid out McMahon with a right. Wight was arrested last night, but released OR. He's already facing Corporate guys? Hammer that story home! Test calls Wight a buffet buster on his way to the ring, and that's the closest he gets to offense, too. Wight grabs him before the bell, big slap. Off the ropes, big boot. AhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAM. That's semi-impressive, actually. 1, 2, 3. (:31) Wight gets the mic - hey, he's tired already! "Well. Mr. McMahon, I know you're sitting in the back, and it looks like you got a little personal trauma on your hands. Well you know when I sit back and think about it, I really don't give a damn! First mistake you made, was you being dumb enough to think that you own me. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, owns the Big Show! (gasp) And I remember it was you that said that when Paul Wight the Big Show comes to the WWF, everything's gonna change! Well you know what, you're exactly right, and starting tonight, you, my friend, are gonna eat those words - and THAT Is The Last Word." I smell trademark phrase! Crowd is rather nonplussed, which can't be good. Replays of the chokeslam.

Backstage, McMahon says that Stephanie must be somewhere in the building. Ken Shamrock says "Vince, if she's in this building, I'll find her. I WILL find her, and I'll bring her back." Shamrock takes the Stooges in tow and off they go.

Shamrock's Easter hunt starts six days early! I'm a little surprised that with his methodical method he overlooks that bathroom right there...

HARDCORE HOLLY v. DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS (with Jim Ross) for the Hardcore Championship - let us take you back two weeks where Hardcore Holly destroyed the JR is RAW announce table. Ross joins Spanish commenatators Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich to make an impassioned plea (not in Spanish) to get his damn job back. Williams attacks before the bell and is fists of fury and flyin' and stuff. Holly reverses a whip into the corner, and comes out with a clothesline. Boot to the head. Right hand, whip, hiptoss is blocked and Williams hits one of his own. We look at Ross talking to the Spanish commentators - or rather, whining about his job. Williams stomping away. Kick to the knee. Williams to the outside, knee wrapped around the STEEL ringpost after an interminable wait for cheers that never come. Williams with a keylock around the post. Williams back in, continuing to work over the knee. Williams with a Flair-esque knee attack. We take another random look at the Spanish announce table. Holly manages (I think) a snap suplex (we don't see it). Holly goes under the ring and finds a table. Williams lying there like a slug - Cole says it was a DDT, well okay. Table is in place now. Holly limping nicely. Williams comes back with an atomic drop. Holly picked up, and referee "Blind" Tim White is taken out as he spins Holly around. The "Oklahoma Stampede" strangely resembles a powerslam, but it's through the table. 1, 2, 3...wait, there's no ref. Here's AL SNOW and a frying pan. Ping! Snow just said "Nobody beats this guy for MY title!" White manages to come to - 1, 2, 3. (3:55) Ross attempts to explain to White what went on, but darned if he didn't see it.

Shane asks Vince what he wants to do with the Rock next - Vince is inconsolable, however. "I don't give a damn about the Rock, I don't care, Shane." Shane says he'll take over. Vince heaves a heavy sigh...

Castrol GTX (Drive Hard, ooh yeah, ooh baby, drive hard, ooh) brings you the WWF Slam of the Week! It's the San Diego Chicken attacking Kane - ahhh! It's Pete Rose! Tombstone! It's great AND ALSO sad that this was darn near the highlight of last night's WrestleMania.

THE ROCK (with Skippy and RAW Copyright notice to turn the hour [at 57 after?] and also TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN - Shane joins the commentary team and says he's concerned for his baby sister and that's all they're gonna talk about it. You know, I know it's wrong of me to say so, but it's STILL funny to see Shane carry that European title with him EVERYWHERE. Gunn's got two words for ya, you know. And we're off. Lockup - to the corner, reversal, reversal, clean break. No, Rock with a right, another right, another, another. Crowd is rabid. Right. Head to the buckle. Whip off the ropes is reversed, shouldertackle by Rock, off the ropes, over, leapfrog, under, drop toehold by Gunn, armdrag takeover, repeat, Gunn gyrates, Rock runs at him, Gunn ducks, nice dropkick from Gunn, armbar is applied. I think we've already seen more wrestling manoeuvres than in last night's main event! No, I'm being too hard on 'em. Ha! Cole asks Shane about Wight - "Big Show? BS! There's a lot of that happening around here..." Backed into the corner - no clean break as Gunn kicks away. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Gunn slides under, punch, whip off the ropes, Rock floats over and there's the DDT. 1, 2, kickout. Cole presses Shane again on Stephanie missing. Shane tells Cole to kindly shut up. Are they chanting "Rocky" without the "sucks?" Rock stomps away. Vertical suplex coming up. 1, 2, no. Gunn with repeated rights, off the ropes, reversal, hot shot by Rock. 1, 2, nope. Rock stomps on Gunn, now they're outside. Gunn's head meets the Spanish announce table. Now the barricade. Rock grabs Cole's headset - he and Shane have a brief conversation until Gunn is up - and he oughta keep that thing put away (by which I mean, he moons Rock) - Rock says he's gonna put a foot in that ass - Gunn with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine - Gunn appropriates the headset and tells Shane to suck it. Everybody back in the ring, and Gunn hits three rights. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, flying jalapeno hits. Rock reverses a whip, off the ropes, nope - Rock Bottom? YES! And I believe it's time - the crowd is to their feet - off the ropes, off the ropes, alternating crotch chops - Corporate elbow! 1, 2, 3. (5:20) Damn, who did Billy Gunn piss off THIS WEEK? Shane and Rock walk off triumphantly.

Vince asks Shamrock to take him into the ring (I think) - Shamrock says he'll rip off his leg and beat him with it until he's told Stephanie's whereabouts.

Get a picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin and a swatch of ring mat! Pay money now!

Austin, sitting back in a locker room, examines his watch...and waits for his belt...

GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far) v. KING KEN SHAMROCK - Shamrock wastes no time, 'cause he's in the zone. Gangrel comes off the ropes with a right hand after ducking a kick. Back and forth with punches. Clothesline ducked, clothesline hits. Shamrock takes charge. Head to the turnbuckle. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Shamrock puts up a shoulder. Powerslam by Gangrel! 1, 2, no. Right hand from Gangrel. Another right. Rake of the face. Off the ropes, reversed, head down, DDT from Gangrel! 1, 2, cool face, kickout. Right hand by Gangrel, still in command. Right, right, off the ropes, reversal, dropkick from Shamrock. I'm thinking you should never do the Irish whip in this match. Kicks to the face, kneelifts take Gangreal to the mat. "Where is she? WHERE IS SHE!" Lariat. Out the ring we go - Gangrel's head mees the STEEL steps repeatedly (or rather, his hand slaps the steps - oops). Shamrock snaps and wrecks the timekeeper's area. Shamrock lunges at referee "Blind" Teddy Long. Gangrel's head taken to another STEEL ringpost. "Where is ehe?" Shamrock stomps away on the head and AGAIN goes for Long. I smell DQ coming up - whip into the STEEL stairs. Head to the stairs. Shamrock rolls Gangrel back in the ring, then harangues Long "what are you gonna do, count me out? You think I care?" Shamrock back in the ring, stomp. Uppercut. This is a pretty brutal beating. Gangrel refuses to provide information again, Shamrock rains down with right hands. Crowd boos lustily. Savat kick finds the mark. Somehow Gangrel fights back with rights. Elbow, off the ropes, Shamrock dropkick to regain control. Kneedrop. Cole notes that Shamrock hasn't even ATTEMPTED a cover this match. Right hand to Gangrel who is out on his feet. Off the ropes, back elbow. This is one long match for the WWF - off the ropes, RANA! Shamrock screams and I think it's time. Belly-to-belly suplex! ANKLELOCK! "WHERE IS SHE?" Gangrel taps (submission 5:34) but Gangrel's music plays - the red strobe flashes and CHRISTIAN & EDGE attack Shamrock - who lets go of the hold. They throw him outside - the lights go out - oh boy I hope there's a bloodbath - when the lights come back up, Shamrock is covered in red stuff - but he's got a hold of Christian! Anklelock is applied - Shamrock screams and now Christian screams "she's in the basement! She's in the basement!" Shamrock strides off with purpose and very red.

Shamrock is helpfully pointed in the direction of the basement. A camera atempts to follow but he's moving pretty fast. I'm getting dizzy from this "you are there" running, lurching camera movement. Just when we ALMOST catch up to him...

ROAD DOGG v. GOLDUST (with Blue Meanie) for the Intercontinental Championship - what does "doggy style" mean, anyway? Let us take you back to last night's four corners match for the title where Ryan Shamrock cost Goldust a possible win with a mistimed trip. Tonight, a rematch of the final two participants in that match. Didn't *Mankind* used to think Goldust was his mommy? Lockup, to the corner, clean break, crotch chop by Dogg. Lockup, to the corner, Goldust provides the clean break. RYAN SHAMROCK is out to provide storyline, I guess. Meanie tries to block the way. Meanwhile, Goldust is punching away whil meanie convinces Ryan to take off, which means we get a nice shot of her ass as she walks away. Meanwhile, Dogg fights back with a right and a dropkick. Goldust cowers in the corner. Back to the centre, lockup, arm wringer on Dogg, reversal into an armbar of his own. Rolled up, 1, 2, no. Goldust backs up into the corner. Lockup, Cole should SHUT UP about Stephanie for a few minutes. Chop by Dogg (wooo!), knee wiggle, chop (woooo!), throat shot, Goldust rakes the face, uppercut, knees set up for Shattered Dreams (well, THAT'S not a good idea), before he can kick the field goal referee "Blind" Mike Chioda blocks the path. Dogg frees himself and hits a right, there's another, another, whip into the corner HARD. Dogg turns to Meanie, providing enough distraction for Goldust to take control. Whip into the corner is reversed, Dogg whips *Meanie* into Goldust. Dogg bulldogs Meanie ONTO Goldust's nuts! Yow! Now he's throwing lefts and getting funky. Big right hand. Off the ropes with the wiggly wobbly woozly kneedrop. 1, 2, no. Meanie has the belt on the outside. Goldust catches him off the rope, Head between the knees, rings his bell. Curtain call - no, reversal as he goes up and over, clothesline ducked, Meanie waffles Dogg with the belt. There IS the curtain call - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Intercontinental champion. (4:16) Cole says he's a three-time champ now. Goldust takes the mic and says it's time to get something off his chest. "You see this right here? It has come home. Ohhhhh...what a raging climax THAT was! All of those of you who didn't believe, who didn't dream? You look. I now know the one thing that was missing. I now know who I am. And, very soon, you will know too. Very soon. And you will NEVER, EVER forget the name of (inhale) (hawk) Goldust." Huh?

Downstairs, Shamrock is again helpfully pointed the way. He's found her! But she looks different somehow - that shade of lipstick isn't good for her - and that eye makeup, no...and that forehead symbol has GOT to go. Shamrock puts an arm around her and they're coming back...

Father and daughter are reunited - she says she's fine, but she's sure crying a lot. "Those rotten bastards - those rotten bastards - thank you, Ken - thank you - those rotten bastards..." well, at least, there won't be any need for deprogramming - tonight ...

WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX Motor Oily and it's 25 April!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & OWEN HART (with De-bra) v. LEGION OF DOOM (with Mr.Dot.Com Paul Ellering) for the tag team championship - It's out of control immediately as a Pier Four brawl erupts. Hawk & Animal take control early on, dumping Owen out of the ring. Powerbomb on Jarrett for 2. I guess the issues with Droz are settled? "Nugget" chant wins out with the crowd. Jarrett manages an elbow and a tag. Hart with a flurry of rights and kick, off the ropes, head down, pound by Animal. Half hour suplex. 1, 2, no. Arm wringer, Owen reverses off the ropes, over, off the ropes Jarrett gets in a shot, Animal punches him out, Owen hits the spinning wheel kick. Head to the turnbuckle. Head to Jarrett's boot. Tag, double back elbow, make a wish. Jarrett with the Bossman straddle AND A STRUT! Tag. Off the ropes, double clothesline ducked, double clothesline by Animal hits. Clotheslin, clothesline, dropkick, whip, powerslam of Hart. 1, 2, Jarrett saves, Hawk comes in (he FINALLY DOES SOMETHING!) and takes Jarrett out of the ring. Hawk signals for the Doomsday Device - Hart on the shoulders - crowd to their feet. But as Animal covers, Debra distracts referee "Blind" Tim White! Ellering tries to get White to watch what's going on, meanwhile, Jarrett smashes a guitar on Animal (Cole says it's Owen, but they're HARD to tell apart, aren't they?) 1, 2, 3. (2:50) Is it too early for me to give up on the Legion of Doom? Ha!

Austin thoughtfully looks at his watch, then thoughtfully spits some tebacky juice into a mug.

A limo's arrived backstage - it's the belt! Let's take an ad break, QUICK!

Stephanie's feeling better in the warm embrace of Vince McMahon. Vince has profound thanks for Ken Shamrock. "Kenny, I'll always be indebted to you - always." The belt is delivered and Shane shows it to Vince. "I don't give a damn about Austin's belt, Shane. This night is over, okay?. In terms of trauma - in terms of what's happened to your baby sister. This night is over. Let's just end it, okay? Let's just end this. What I want you to do is go take this championship belt and give it to Austin. Wherever he is. If he's in his locker room, just give it to him. Just end this night. Just end this night. Your family has been through enough, okay? And all I'm gonna do now is - Stephy come on baby - you okay? Okay. I'm gonna take your baby sister home, all right? And again, thank you - thank you so much. Come on guys." After they leave, Shane tells Shamrock this night ISN'T over, and to go get the Rock.


X-PAC v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna & Skippy) - Triple H's new theme is, oh boy, "No Chance in Hell." Shane and H are arm in arm. X-Pac attempts to attack before the bell but H ducks and they're toe-to-toe, back and forth. X-pac with punches, H with a knee and punches. Off the ropes, reversal, hiptoss attempt stops working, flip up and over, spinning heel kick from X-Pac. Repeated chops (woooo!), off the ropes, H ducks a clothesline and hits a high knee. Right hand. Head to the turnbuckle. X-Pac with a punch. Right by H. Off the ropes, duck, ghetto blaster from the Kid. Broncobuster attempts misses and looks painful. H clothesline. Lotsa rights. Got him by the hair - head to the buckle. Knife-edge chop (woooo!) X-Pac with some weak gutshots - Triple H with his patented "facebuster to the knee." Whip into the opposite corner, X-Pac ducks the onslaught and now they're both down. X-Pac is angry now, boy - bleeding from the mouth, too. Punch, punch, punch, both men alternating punches, nice kick from X-Pac. Off the ropes, duck, flippy clothseline by X-Pac. Into the corner, kick, kick, Superkwang! Broncobuster time - no, Shane grabs the foot. X-Pac goes outside and the sprint is on once again. Naturally, X-Pac ends up completely ignoring the fact that Chyna is around and takes a big-time clothesline for his trouble. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner manages to catch this as it's in the ring right in front of him, and calls for the bell. (DQ 4:33) Triple H gets in some more licks, then Chyna gets a patented Golotta. Pedigree! Now the lights are out and some familiar music plays - THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE - Triple H is doing the "bring it on" hand motion in the ring. Turnbuckles alight. Shane tries an axehandle from behind but it has no effect. Kane only ends up with his sportscoat as he hightails it. H tries an attack but goes down with one throat shot. Chyna is in the ring and pointing. Kane turns to face her, then turns around and eats a big chairshot (passed from Shane to Triple H). Kane does a zombie situp, proving there's nothing in his head to hurt - and he walks off after Chyna and Triple H up the ramp. Shane, who has taken time to hide behind Cole & Lawler, gets in the ring for tonight's endgame. "Hey Austin! My name is Shane McMahon - I'm not Vince McMahon! We're doing things tonight Shane McMahon style!" Lawler: "Oh no..." Shane says he's a champion just like Austin. Shane says if he wants that belt, he'll have to take it from around the waist (well, shoulder) of THE ROCK. Well, we're turning two hours here so whatever they've got in mind, they better get to it... Rock milks the chant for a few more seconds. "Last night, the entire world witness the Rock lay the smack down on Stone Cold Steve Austin's candy ass! So the Rock says he's gonna have to give credit where credit is due, because - nah, you know what, piss on that because as far as the Rock is concerned, there ain't nobody, and the Rock means - " Crowd: "Nobody!" Rock: "Don't do that. Hey I'll tell you what. Stone Cold Steve Austin, you come out here and you run your mouth - you hold up that WWF title - you want this piece of trash you call a title, but I'll tell you what. Last night, the Rock walked in the WWF Champ, he left, NOT the WWF Champ, but it obviously took not one but TWO Stunners to beat the Rock!" There's the sound of breaking glass and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out. Rock gets in some kicks, Austin rolls to the outside, then grabs Rock and drags him out. Onto the announce table. Cole & Lawler hightail it. Austin and Rock out behind BOTH commentary tables. Back in the ring, back on headsets go Cole & Lawler. Stunner for Shane! Rock takes Austin down with a clothesline and puts the boots to him. Rock waffles Austin with HIS belt, then continues to put the bots on AUstin. Here comes TRIPLE H to help the Rock with the beatdown. KING KEN SHAMROCK, THAT SLUT CHYNA, and TEST are out. The saga continues. Chyna puts an arm around Shane and they walk off. Shamrock is still all red, by the way - that's kinda funny. Golotta by the Rock. Right hand from Shamrock. Here's PAUL (ALL) WIGHT to make the save! I've never seen him run like that before! Headbutt! Punch! Headbutt! Headbutt! Slap! Kick! Meanwhile, Austin comes to and tosses some guys, then gives a Stunner to Shamrock. Austin's music plays, Triple H comes back in - ahhhhhhHTHECHOKESLAM - and GOOD NIGHT!

The dean of wrestling commentary has recently made a point of taking the old stopwatch and clipboard out and relaying the result. Rather than force you to wait for Thursday, I'll do the math and tell you that tonight we had eight matches and 28:24 of bell to bell time. THEN I'll say that I actually didn't mind this show at all, for what it was. I still wouldn't have paid full price for WMXV, but that was then and this was now. So what, so there!

See you next week!

Hey, where WAS the Big Bossman anyway? heh heh heh...

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications