/5 April 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
Last night's Heat was pretty damn good. I am SHOCKED that they're ready
to turn McMahon face by turning Undertaker into a mark for his character,
but hell, *I* dug it. And I might actually buy it, too! Hey, was that so
hard, WWF? Thanks for coming around on squashing the supernatural shite,
I appreciate it. And just ignore that it "annoyed" this fine site's Heat
Recapper - hell, *I* annoy the Heat Recapper and I seem to do just fine.
Add to that a pretty disgusting "de-piercing" by the Bossman (Droz got what he *deserved!*) not to mention some action action action for my man (not "my boy," Scaia) Steve Blackman and that was one hour well spent. And now we've got two tonight, what will we do? What WILL we do?
"THIS SHOW MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 14. PROGRAM MAY CONTAIN SOPHISTICATED THEMES, STRONG LANGUAGE, AND SEXUAL CONTENT. THIS DISCLAIMER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH 'BEHIND THE LINES' - IT'S ONLY A COINCIDENCE. THANK YOU."
One World Leader Attitude - WWF! TV-14-DLV! Closed captioned!
Snippets of last night's Heat interview are interspersed with shots of previous episodes - the mysterious envelope contained "private photographs" of Stephanie, we learn. The teddy bear was a special present, we learn. Stephanie is uncomfortable knowing she's being watched like that. Last week, Stephanie was taken away - Shamrock eventually found her and took her back to Vince, who said something that got bleeped this week. Stephanie only feels safe when she's with her dad. And finally last night, Vince: "This is something that's personal - if it doesn't stop, somebody is gonna get hurt. And I'll just be damned, if it's gonna be my daughter."
Opening Credits - closed captioning symbol ironically belies the fact that the lyrics don't come across on the screen - oh, you're tired of me making lyric jokes? Pucker up! RAW IS WAR IS HO EN YA HUH!
From the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, Long Island, NY, it's RAW IS WAR for 5.4.99 (taped 30.3) en espanol donde sea disponible! And lest we forget, the Rock still has possession of the "Smokin' Skull" belt (and the WWF Style sheet says you WILL refer to it as such, dammit).
X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TEAM NO-NAME (with Debra Nolastnameinashockingparadox) for the World Tag Team Championship - I'm REALLY confused. This interview - they're not talking, they're running around doing wrestling moves and - my God, it's an actual MATCH to START the show! Somebody's gotten to somebody over at Titan Towers! Can this be linked to the mysterious disappearance of Kerwin Silfies? (Get well soon, Mr. Trivia!) Last night on Heat, Hart and Jarrett made the ol' open challenge, because there isn't enough competition in the WWF while the Head Bangers are out getting new singles gimmicks - Kane accepted, and save for a timely guitar shot, could have become the tag team champions all by himself. X-Pac came to the rescue, and almost got a chokeslam for his troubles. Anyway, here's the match tonight. Owen's got some "OH" tights in the Jarrett style - the problem is, if you're checking out his rump (and I admit it's not something *I'd* do, but) it reads "HO." X-Pac, Owen, and the "Nugget" chant start. Hart with plenty of rights, headlock, "I'mnotanugget," off the ropes, shoulderblock from Hart, up and over, leapfrog, leg lariat from X-Pac. Armdrag, Hart nips out, big clothesline from Hart. Tag to Jarrett who gets right on him. Knee off the whip. Stompin' a lot. X-Pac fires back. That's one loud chant. X-Pac does the flippy thing with the leg around the neck, ducks a clothesline, and hits a 1 1/2 gainer clothesline, I BELIEVE giving himself another concussion in the process. Jarrett manages a tag as they go off the ropes, and Hart hits a blind spinning heel kick. Tag to Jarrett. Double whip, double clothesline. Make a wish! Head to the buckle, right hand, whip into the opposite corner, boot up from X-Pac but he runs into a powerslam. 1, 2, no. Head to Hart's boot, tag, Hart in - commentators again fail to tell us why Triple H is in the corporation, speculating instead that money was involved - I guess the Greenwich connection is left to the Wheel of Fortune watchers amongst us. Hart with the hard whip into the corner. Nice snap suplex for 2. Kane hasn't been in this match yet. Into the corner, whip is reversed - high cross body as Hart comes out of the corner but X-Pac rolls it for 2. Enziguiri! Hart tags out taking X-Pac's head to Jarrett's boot. Whip off the ropes, sleeper from Jarrett. Crowd is loud and proud with "We want Kane!" X-Pac fighting the sleeper - he's up - turning in - suplex. Both men down - Jarrett makes the tag and Hart stops the tag on the other side. Head to the - lower abs. Wooooo! Off the top but Hart only finds the boots. Hart ducks a clothesline but there's a double clothesline and both men are down. Last night Shane retired the European belt - poor D'Lo. Tag to Kane! Giant "flying" clothesline on Jarrett! Taking it to Hart! Cole: "Kane is on fire!" Ewww, that's TASTELESS. Chokeslam on Jarrett while X-Pac hits the broncobuster on Hart. KANE HAS X-PAC - oh, no chokeslam - Kane slams X-Pac onto Jarrett instead. Umm, I thought Kane was the legal man, but apparently referee "Blind" Mike Chioda didn't see it my way. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (5:57)
Tonight, Goldust defends against the Godfather, the Outlaws take on Gangrel & Edge, and here's
Shane walks over to Vince and Stephanie - Vince doesn't care about what happens tonight - Austin can go to hell, the Big Show? He could care less. He doesn't give a damn, so it looks like another night of Shane in charge. Four cops stand vigil over father and daughter.
Shane walks outside where the Corporation is waiting - he promises that tonight will be a night that Austin and Wight will never forget - and off they go.
Sable appears on Happy Hour - NEXT! Get Happy! Too bad she's sitting next to Lisa Loeb - I might forget which one of them is supposed to be the sex symbol. Grrrrrrrr!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where You See What You Just Seen - you know, X-Pac wasn't the legal man.
WWF.com's LUCAS interviews X-Pac backstage - where's Kane? X-Pac don't know, he didn't know before the match, he hasn't seen him since the match ended, but he was there when the match was going on, and that's all that counts. "As long as he's there, there's nobody that can stop us - NOBODY!" Somebody remind the Kid that he and Sid were supposed to win the titles, too - DAMN softball! Damn softball to hell! Ted DiBiase was supposed to manage CHAMPIONS! Oh, sorry.
SKIPPY leads the rest of the CORPORATION to the ring, and whew, it may be 18 minutes in but at least I'll get my interview. Shane has no problem sucking up the "asshole" chant previously meant for Vince. Shane mentions that it's Shane 1, Austin 0 thanks to the beatdown from last week. Footage FROM last week shows a Corporate beatdown on Austin, complete with commentary from Shane, Triple H, and Rock. Paul Wight would go on to make the save, "sticking his nose in Corporate business." Shane says there's a big surprise for the Big Show tonight - a handicap match between Triple H & the Rock. Didn't those guys used to REALLY hate each other, though? H takes the mic and says the Big Show would be better off changing his name to No Show, then he says "nimrod" and "peon" and other fun stuff. H at least makes reference to he and the Rock standing side by side, kicking ass together. "Wight...you've got a whole lot of fat, hairy, dimpled ass for us to kick." The Rock says...and the Rock says...and the Rock says...he's developing some SERIOUS nervous tics, though. His Wight impersonation is funny, though - good mumbling. Rock says "rectum." Rock starts a "Rocky" chant and it fails to develop into a "Rocky sucks" chant - I think they overestimated crowd intelligence. That bit where Rock positions his chin is kinda stupid, too. Ah well. Shane asks that Austin's belt be placed around Rock's waist - which might be the first (or second) time it's ever been not on somebody's shoulder. Shane asks for a freeze frame on the TitanTron - and tonight we're gonna see that still a lot as a reminder to Austin that Rock has a little piece of him. Shane promises that Austin will NEVER get that belt - because Shane McMahon...said so.
Mankind in a Chef Boyardee ad - MMMMM, BEEFY!
The Corporation exchange high fives, then Shane enters Mr. McMahon's dressing room - Shane tells Vince what he's done, looking for kudos - Stephanie asks if it's a good idea to provoke those guys. Vince reiterates that he doesn't give a damn - he just wants to get through the night. "You want me to say 'good job?' Okay? Just chill, Shane. Your words, all right?" Shane looks a little less than happy at this less than ringing endorsement of his performance...
IVORY (with that damn scarf) comes to the ring as we see clips of Terri's previous cigar shenanigans, first with her, then with Tori last night. "Ever since I've been here with the WWF, well I've been wondering one thing. I've got a question for Jacqueline and little Miss Terri Runnells - hey PMS, is it always that time of the month for you girls or what? 'Cause you're really starting to cramp my style! Now Jacqueline, you're bad, you're tough, you've got what it takes to back up your trash talk. But little Miss Terri Runnells - ha ha! - yeah, she's just a little priss. A little priss with a big mouth and a snotty little attitude. You tried to burn my face with a cigar? I'm begging you to come down here. Come on down here - let's meet face to face, fist to fist. Fire up a fat one and we'll see who gets burned little Miss Terri! Come on down here!" PMS duly appear at the top of the ramp - Terri asks Jacqueline to let her hit the ring unattended - she can take care of it herself. A high five is exchanged and Terri saunters down the ramp alone. I wish Terri would burn that scarf. Terri exaggerates her ring entrance. Are they gonna scrap in high heels? Terri runs off - and Ivory duly rips off Terri's T-shirt. Of course, before we get a good look at the goodies, the lights dim. BONG....BONG...the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES appears at the top of the ramp. Is Undertaker's music working with that chant in it? I say nu! Anyway, I can only assume that by interrupting this nudity, they're trying REALLY hard to get people to boo him. Ha! Commentators explain the bit about Mean Mark actually BELIEVING that he's become this character, and that he's convinced others to believe it too. I personally think it would take Vince about one show to get Undertaker to beleive otherwise. It'd kinda go like this. "Hey, sound guy! Hey, lights guy! Don't DO ANYTHING when he comes out! THAT'LL show him!" Oops, I hope I'm not giving anything away here. Let's listen to the Law of Dawknuh - "McMahon, I know you're back there watching. And I know that you have your precious little daughter right by your side. So you wrap your arms around her, hold her tight, and give her my regards. That reminds me - there's a little secret that I need to inform you of, Vince; that tonight, there will be a sacrifice. Oh, not just any sacrifice, but there's a certain beautiful young woman who will become one with my Ministry. She will be taken from her family, and she will break her father's heart when she accepts the Lord of Darkness as her personal saviour. And you know, Vince, I know that you would do anything in your power - you would give your very soul to stop me, but the reality is there's not a damn thing that you can do about it." You know this is a big deal 'cause Lawler's breaking into his "I'm not kayfabin' you" voice. Backstage, Vince sends out Patterson and Brisco to get more guys. Vince: "Stephanie, I promise you this won't be like last week. ... I may have to give that SOB what he wants after all." Shane is unhappy and walks off. Vince: "Well what do you want me to do?" Stephanie doesn't want him to give in. Hey, Stephanie's a hell of an actress - I know everybody else has already said it but I'll say it too - once.
Patterson and Brisco actually manage to follow an order, as now there are about a dozen cops providing security. Vince is the reassuring father, but Stephanie looks pretty uneasy...
RAW is WAR comes to you from "Stone Cold Metal" - the CD, Castrol Motor Oily, and Napa Auto Parts!
AL SNOW (with Head) v. HARDCORE (bob) HOLLY in a nontitle match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Al Snow took a frying pan to Dr. Death in order to keep the title around the waist of Holly - because no one's going to take that title away from Holly but Snow, we are told. This is a nontitle, non-Hardcore match - well, we'll just SEE about that! Attack before the bell, back and forth we go, punchfest, whee! Whip is reversed by Snow, back elbow - Holly through the ropes and outside, Snow with a somersault over the top rope, barely clipping Holly but Holly sells like the Champ he is (ha!) - Snow grabs a chair but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas reminds Snow that this isn't a hardcore match, securing the chair. Holly tries the chair too, but again it's wrested away by the ref. Whip into the barricade. Korderas politely asks them to get back in the ring, and they finally do. Off the ropes, GREAT dropkick from Holly. Snow reaches for Head but Holly heads him off at the pass. Half hour suplex from Holly. 1, 2, kickout. Kicking away now - right hand. Choking Snow - hey these guys were FRIENDS! Whip into the opposite corner, Snow steps aside - PLANCHA! Kickout at 2. Snow stomping away, now off the ropes, clothesline. Holly reverses as they come up, swinging neckbreaker. Kick, kick, whip into the corner, Snow slides, ducks the clothesline - got him up - Snow plow! 1, 2, 3! (Formula 4:09) Here's JIM ROSS & DR. DEATH and Williams is snapping everyone's neck in sight with them cool souffles. That's it - Ross and Williams walk off - just business I guess.
Shane's in the truck - getting the people to put the freeze frame of Austin's belt up on the Titantron. They do it. Shane does some more talking and gloating.
The Castrol GTX Slam of the Week is Paul Wight's chokeslam of Test from last week's RAW.
Backstage, Christian is gettin' a whuppin' from the Undertaker as the Undertaker looks on - and he's making Edge & Gangrel hold him down. This must be serious - Edge isn't smiling! Looks like punishment for Christian ratting out the Ministry to Shamrock last week.
Was THAT the entire segment? Geez, this is as bad as Nitro!
Sable - Happy Hour - next - whatever
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. EDGE & GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far) - Dogg wants us to make some noise up in this (bleep) - gotta love the taped shows! When Dogg says this is the "Dogg house," you can almost hear Rick Steiner going "hey! That's MY line! Don't start barking!" Thank God the Outlaws are back together so I can hear that FABULOUS ring introduction! What does X-Pac think when they say they're the "soon to be WWF Tag Team ChaaaaaampionsoftheWoooooooooorld?" As the Broodsters' entrance starts, we put up the credits, put up the TV-14-DLV box and turn the hour a couple of minutes early. Gee whiz, you mean those hep bondage cats don't ENJOY getting flogged? Apparently Christian is too hurt to accompany his brother and his - ummm - special friend to the ring. After the match, JR talks to Steve Austin! Gunn and Gangrel start - lockup, arm wringer by Gunn. Into the ropes, duck, leapfrog, dropkick from Gunn. Arm wringer again. Yankin' on it! Yank yank yank - Gunn's not that kinda guy is he? Tag to Dogg, who does that breakdancing thing all the kids love. Gangrel goes to the eyes and tags Edge. Doubleteam while Gangrel distracts ref "Blind" Earl Hebner. James comes back with his gettin' jiggy widit punches and his wiggly wobbly wammly kneedrop. Whip is reversed, leapfrog - Gangrel waffles him off the blind tag. Neat doubleteam move as Gangrel clotheslines out of the Edge bearhug. Gangrel with general pounding. Tag to Edge. Double whip, double hiptoss. Did Edge just imitate the Outlaws? That's one wacky dude, dude. Big teeth shot. Rear chinlock as the commentary team continues to sell the Undertaker story for the more clueless among us, I guess. Scoop and a slam by Edge. EDGE WITH A WIGGLY WOBBLY ELBOWDROP! Edge RULES! Tag to Gangrel. Double SUPERPLEX? Yes! Gangrel with a right, tag, Edge thrown off with a Rocket Launcher but Dogg rolls away - both men down - I'm guessing double tag. Yup. Gunn is a house on fire! Right! Right! Right! Right! Kick! Kick! Kick! Kick! WE GOT ACTION! Anyway, CHRISTIAN is now s-l-o-w-l-y making his way to ringside - Dogg, having thrown Gangrel out, throws Christian IN. Gunn hits the fame'asser on Christian (huh?) and gets the 1-2-3 (HUH?) (5:11) Well, if Hebner can't tell the ... I guess they ALWAYS get them mixed up, though. Doesn't make it any LESS lame, but...
Ross asks Austin about the special significance of the Smokin' Skull belt - Austin says he just did it to (beep) Vince McMahon off. Austin says if Shane puts his belt on the Titantron one more time, it's gonna cost the McMahon family a whole lotta money...
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Ken Shamrock went on a Quest, wrestled Gangrel, got a bloodbath, tortured Christian, found the basement, found Stephanie, and forever received Vince McMahon's gratefulness.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. VISCERA (no entrance) - hey, I saw this match on the 6th of July - do I have to see it again? Been awhile since we've seen the jobber treatment on this show - Shamrock attacks before the bell, punches, kicks, off the ropes, Viscera knocks him down. Clothesline ducks, SHamrock back to the attack, off the ropes, clothesline ducked, cross body - oh no - Viscrea just catches him and splashes him. 1, 2, Shamrock puts the shoulder up! Shamrock tries a SLAM? No no. Viscera with the clubbing, fat, hammy, forearms. Viscera hits the corner hard as Shamrock sidesteps the charge. Back to the big blows from Shamrock. Into the corner, follow clothesline. BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! BONG...the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES is out and swarming. (No contest? About 1:37ish) Bradshaw with the powerbomb folks him in half. Undertaker and Paul Bearer stand at the top of the ramp. Viscera splash! Shamrock is loaded up and they carry him out - through the crowd? Huh.
The Corporation is ready to strike - but Shane thinks it's a trap and tells them to stay put.
Shamrock is loaded in the trunk of a car, and the car drives off while Bearer does some evil laughing.
Was there another Happy Hour ad in here? I'm tired of noting them. USA is ANNOYING me.
Paul Wight stands around backstage. He's in that big handicap match tonight!
WWF In Your House: Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX! Mmm beefy!
VAL VENIS v. MANKIND - Val gets the mic and tells us his dick is really big, or something. Is this a face vs. face match? Mankind is still wearing his homemade ref's shirt but a new tie. *Mankind* takes the mic and says "Hello....Long Island! Well it took a little while, but look who finally made the cover of Newsday! And if you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya ... no, not 'suck it.' MMMMM BEEFY!" That's funny. Lockup, arm wringer from Venis, bump'n'grind, Mankind with the right hands, knocks him down and he's outside the ring. Mankind ready to fly - Venis runs off. Cole says the "unedited" interviews by Mr. McMahon are available at wwf.com - this leads into a big tirade by Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler about the conspiracy theory between ABC & ESPN to make Monday wrestling look bad in the hopes that it will help the ratings of Monday Night Football. Wednesday night Mr. McMahon will be on 20/20 (I think that's what they said) and Mr. McMahon will appear on ByteThis Thursday at 4 (7 on the East Coast). It's weird hearing Lawler act as the WWF ambassador here - but aren't they really preaching to the choir? I mean, there's nothing WRONG with encouraging the loyal viewer to keep the faith, but that whole "freedom of expression" thing falls a little flat when they get all hypocritical about the freedom of expression of Disney's television networks - doesn't it? "Who cares?" Touche. Anyway, there's a filler match in here - gives Mick something to do I guess while they preach. Mankind hits the double underhook DDT and brings out Mr. Socko - Mandible Claw! Val's out and it's over (ref stop 4:46) Nice shot of a "Pittsburgh Loves Socko" tie a fan probably gave him.
As we see Vince, Stephanie and the eight cops, the lights *eerily* flicker - ooohhh...
The United States Coast Guard (c'mon the Coast Guard is COOL!) Rescue of the Week is Meanie's belt shot on Road Dogg to secure the Intercontinental title for Goldust - thus rescuing - the belt?
We take a peek at the Ministry backstage - how are they gonna get Stephanie with those eight cops? You mean there are NINE of them? Hmmm... I'd like to see them on Hollywood Squares...
GODFATHER (with six - no, three ho's) v. GOLDUST (with Blue Meanie) for the Intercontinental Championship - that's one tall woman there - she's practically as tall as Godfather in them heels! The really skanky ho does a Luger-esque pec flex, which looks a little more interesting than when Luger does it (but not as interesting as when NORMAN SMILEY does it). It ain't easy, you know. Why does his vest say "Hompin' ain't easy?" Is that like a MADE UP word? Goldust is Meanie's mommy, you know. Godfather raps to him for a minute - after Goldust crawls towards the ho's, then inhales, Godfather says "You know what, I'm just gon' kick yo ass" and strikes. Off the ropes, reversal, shoulderblock by Godfather. Right, whip into the opposite corner, charge misses as Goldust steps aside. Right hand from Goldust, pose to piss 'im off. Godfather held back by the ref and Goldust gets in his shots. Goldust outside and checking out the ho's - Godfather after him. Brief chase outside the ring, coming back in Goldust gets the stomp as Godfather tries to follow. Off the ropes, reversal, big boot by Godfather. Commentators back to Undertaker talk - "he's gone too far!" Lawler miscounts 8 as "20 or 30." Godfather with a near fall. They never DID tell me what the insignia on Goldust's butt cheek signified. Belly-to-back suplex from Godfather. Lovely braids by the way. Locomotion avalanche splash from Godfather - off the ropes, Blue Meanie grabs the foot. Godfather goes out and smacks him up like he wuz hiz bitch. Oh sorry, I was down for a minute there. Anyway, Goldust regains the advantage while Godfather is distracted. Meanie and the ho's having a confrontation now while Godfather and Goldust go at it. Apparently we missed referee "Blind" Mike Chioda getting to 10 (DCOR 2:41). Goldust keeps the belt but Godfather has ho's so his music plays.
Vince is on the phone - it goes out, the lights go out, Vince does a lot of "Stephanie!" yelling and pandemonium has ensued - let's take an ad break!
Happy Hour is NEXT! That's it, I'm not watching it. I don't care HOW skimpy them dancers' outfits are!
A hush falls over the crowd, the lights dim, then turn purple - eerie music plays. Cole suggests that our worst fears may be realised. The MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES leads A HOODED FIGURE out and lash her to an "Undertaker's symbol." It bears repeating - lose the accompanying chant if you're gonna play Undertaker's music. "McMahon - I told you that a young girl would be sacrificed here tonight. And I'm not going to disappoint you, am I. You see, Vince, what happens here tonight -" we look backstage and Stephanie is still with Vince and the cops "-you're responsible for. ALthough, this is not the young girl that I want - but she will have to do for now. Ahh, fear not little one. There is nothing to fear, oh there's nobody here that can help you now. Soon, you'll be one of us. You see, Stephanie, when I look into her eyes, I see you. When I touch her skin ... I feel you. McMahon - it's time that she comes home. It's time she became one of us. We have to answer to a power far greater than what we know, and He summons her. She is the Chosen - Stephanie, it's time that you come home. Raise her." And that screaming lass is none other than RYAN SHAMROCK. Stephanie is rightfully spooked. Ken being taken out of the picture earlier in the show - it all comes together now. Undertaker lets loose with a little "Dragonslayer" scat as Ryan is raised into the air. Back to Vince for some melodrama, cue melodrama: "You bastard! You stay away from Stephanie! You stay away from Stephanie, you evil bastard!"
Wow, this thing gets some more levels. You think Ken's gonna call in that favour with Vince next week? You're damn right.
Weird seeing an Iditarod ad and KNOWING Paul Ellering isn't competing.
SKIPPY appears as we learn that Vince and Stephanie left under armed guard during the break (umm, why'd they show up at all tonight?). Shane does the ring announcements as Lawler expresses amazement at Shane's ability to be unaffected by what's just happened. Triple H comes in to the DX theme, and has the same pyro. I still think he needs the full name, and he NEEDS the bow. "You know something - I really don't give a crap whether you're ready or not, but for each and every one of the thousands of nimrods in attendance, and for the millions watching at home - yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyou can all suckiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Cole: "That isn't how it USED to go!" Here comes "the People's Champ," complete with smokin' skull belt over his shoulder. I forgot to mention last week Rock's showing off his boobies again, so I guess it wasn't as important to me as I thought. Don't you forget now, the main event of Backlash will be Rock and Austin for the title - oh, and Shane will be the guest referee. Rock starts in with "roody" and cuts it off as the audience says "poo candy ass." Another attempt is aborted. Rock: "Nassau, this is not sing a long with the-" and the crowd finishes it. Rock tries for roody poo candyass one more time and halts it again as the crowd does it for him. "Well go on and say it, if you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what the Rock - what the Rock is cooking." Ahh, the intricate mind games between the unthinking WWF fans and Pepsi. Wight has new music, which has lyrics, which I can not make up. "Well, well it's the Big Show / Yes it's a big bad show tonight / Yeah, it's the Big Show / He's a REAAAL MAN'S MAN / Well / and so on" Umm, what the hell was wrong with his old music? "Well, it's the Big Show." God damn, I'm laughing at THAT. I need ME some theme music like that. "Well, it's CRZ / His initials are CRZ / Well, well, it's CRZ / the letters stand for CRZ / do you know what I'm saying / I'm talking about CRZ (and I can dig it!)" Ooh yeah. Wight DOES make the "ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAM" hand motion so he's all right with me, baby.
TRIPLE H & ROCK (with Skippy & That Slut Chyna) v. PAUL (OUT LIKE A) WIGHT in a Handicap match - H starts, ducks a clothesline and peppers him with rights - Wight headbutt takes him down and out in Greenwich, Connecticut. Wight gives the "bring it on" hand motion, H gets in some licks, but coming off the ropes, Wight hits the giant (ahem) back bodydrop. It even gets it's own Castrol GTX Double Feature (because they're worried he won't do anything not a headbutt tonight) - another headbutt. Tag to the Rock. Rock gets HIS shots in but is stopped by a headbutt. Hammy fist from Wight. Headbutt. Rock to the eyes, tag to Triple H. H ducks a clothesline but not a size 22 big boot. Off the ropes - side slam - no, backbreaker. Gunshot slap by Wight. Whip into the opposite corner, H puts up a boot. Right, right, right, he's outside, climbing to the second rope- punching away - Wight grabs him off the ropes, and hits an overhead slam. H comes back with a big right, off the ropes, reversed, big boot. Shane on the apron - Wight lunges, Shane steps back, Chyna grabs the boot, Triple H with the clip. Tag to the Rock, who punches away but - wait for it - is stopped with a headbutt. Whip into the corner - Rock tries to reverse and can't - Triple H knocked off the apron - Rock off the ropes - big boot is (sorta) ducked - chokeslam coming up - no, Chyna with the low blow - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner calls for the bell (DQ 4:31) and the four-on-one is on. A shot with the smoking skull belt finally puts Wight down for the count. Corporate elbow BECAUSE THE FANS DEMAND IT. Then I hear glass, so it's finally time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to rush the ring and take him care of some bidness. Rock's out with a head to the STEEL steps shot. G'night Triple H! Double noggin knocker! Stunner on Triple H. He's stompin' a mudhole in Rock! Meanwhile, Wight chokeslams Triple H (send 'em home happy, Vince!) as Shane and Chyna make their escape, Rock with the belt, and Chyna going back to rescue Triple H. The four make their way off as Austin's music plays. Wight and Austin stand nose-to-nose but I guess they're friends now. Shane asks for the music to be cut and he puts the belt up on the Titantron again. "I'm gonna leave it up for the remainder of the night!" (What, two minutes?) Austin grabs a chair and walks up the ramp - but they're off. Austin calls to Wight, who follows him up the ramp. Austin asks Wight to pull the Titantron down. Wight's up for it - a little spit in the palms and a mighty tug. And now with some cheesy sound effects and a little unseen mechanical help, down it goes. Oh, please. This is kinda lame, you know. Austin, who had walked behind the Titantron before it reached the ground, appears after cutting himself a little door and then walking through it. Austin's got a cold one for Wight. They talk a drink (can you drink on TV?) and Austin slashes the screen with impugnity, complete with need ripping sounds. Oh, no! I hope this doesn't mean a new set next week and a new Star of David logo!
SEE YA NEXT TUESDAY!