(and repeat)

Close enough, baby.

From an anonyomus (fraidy cat!) account at Cal:

Subject: you are such a biased, wwf asskissing, ....

hey loser, you fucking computer geek. a lot of the wwf stuff is just as cheesy as the wcw stuff but you are too busy wacking off to xpac and vinny mac, who conducts the cheesiest interviews i have ever seen, yet you down ever make any negative comments about them. GET OFF THE WWF'S NUTS, GODDAMN YOU PATHETIC LOSER WHO CANT GET LAID, WRESTLING IS FAKE STOP TAKING YOURSELF SO SERIOUS!!! ill let you go back to wacking off since you are an obsessed wrestling fan who cant get laid!

Hey, I think I'm offended! I got laid ... once. It was pretty good, too - there wasn't even sympathy involved!

This guy can't actually be GOING to Cal, right? He just bumbled into the library and started typing at a public station - and of all the people in all the 'Net to write, he chose ME!! Oh, my heart just flutters at the thought.

I guess it could be a woman - I shouldn't be so sexist. Then again, would a woman write me about "wacking off to xpac and vinny mac?" They usually pick different masturbatory targets - oops, I've said too much again.

But enough about me, I don't do this to put MYSELF over, it's all about THE SHOW, BABY...THE BIG SHOW!

Well, it's the Big Show,
I'm talkin' about the Big Show,
Well he's the Big Show,
You know I'm calling him the Big Show.

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

TV-14-DLV!

Last week, Vince doesn't give a damn, so we do things Shane's way. The belt shot is put on the TitanTron one time too many, so Wight and Austin destroy it. Undertaker promised a sacrifice, the lights went out - and Ryan Shamrock was lashed to the logo. For the first time, the thing didn't light on fire.

Now live, Vince and Stephanie are surrounded by Detroit cops. Vince promises she'll be fine and the broadcast will be tremendous. Stephanie beams.

Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A HORN IN MY CAR!

FIREWORKS! because WE ARE LIVE from the Motor City - the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI 12.4.99 for RAW IS WAR! broadcast on USA and TSN closed captioned and en espanol donde sea disponible. Your hosts are (yeah!) Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

SKIPPY leads out the CORPORATION as I notice a lovely wwf.com logo underneath the (refurbished) TitanTron. I *also* notice members of THE GREENWICH POSSE included in the entourage tonight. "No Chance in Hell" is sure one annoying song - which, by now, is THE POINT, I suppose. Shane may have the mic, but I'm not gonna transcribe him 'cause he ain't Vince. Shane intro's Rodney and Pete "Gas," the Mean Street Posse. Shamrock isn't into this hand slapping, though - he grabs the mic from Shane. "You know, when your dad put the Corporation together, he told me it was gonna be like a family - where we looked after each other. Well I want an explanation, Shane - where were you and the Corporation when my sister was abducted and I was put in the back of a trunk?!?" Shane promises he'll get his explanation tonight - trying to draw his attention to the Undertaker, Shane tells Ken that "I feel your pain." He asks Stephanie to come down to the ring - she's happy to go, but Vince says that Shane doesn't need her. Stephanie convinces Vince to let her go to ringside - "Shane wouldn't put me in jeopardy!" and Vince acquieses, asking the cops to stay close as they walk to the ring. Ross and Lawler wonder if this is a good idea or not. STEPHANIE walks out all smiles, accompanied by VINCENT K. and DETROIT'S FINEST. Vince takes the mic. "I don't know what this is about, but it better be damn good. What is this, some sort of publicity stunt - you put your sister in harm's way by asking her to come out here? This better be damn good, what are you up to, Shane?" Shane gets another mic. "What am I up to? Maybe you're asking me what my priorities are?" Shane tells Vince that he's focused his whole world around Stephanie - "Daddy's little girl" - he doesn't give a damn about the Corporation anymore. THEN...well, I guess I'll have to transcribe so we can all see where it's going. "Let's talk about priorities - yet again - let's check this out - look at Jim Ross down here, returns to RAW [pop] Jim Ross, the guy can barely speak and you're puttin' him out here, you know what, Jim? I'd fire you right here on the spot but I got another problem because your cohort Michael Cole sucks just as bad." "Aren't you - ah, aren't you getting just a little bit out of line?" "I don't think I'm getting out of line at all - You know what? Talking about ... someone's getting fired here tonight, and it's about thirty years in the making." Shane's into the youth movement - no room for the geriatric and the old - crowd breaks out into an "Austin" chant. "You can take loyalty as you call it, and flush it down the toilet..." and then, turning to Pat and Jerry - "read my lips, you are both FIRED." They look to Vince, then walk out of the ring. "So let me get this straight now - I've got it - you're on some sort of power trip - is that it, Shane?" Shane turns it around and asks where VINCE'S power is. "Where is YOUR power, Dad? Where is YOUR power trip? Where is the Vince McMahon we all know? Where is the most ruthless human being to ever walk the planet? You always taught me, 'hey, climb over everybody - it doesn't matter - because you're climbing that ladder and you're never coming down - do anything at all costs to get ahead in this world.' Dad, where are the balls the size of grapefruits? That's what I want to know." "Oh, I'm still the same man - and then some. It's just that I *do* have my priorities straight - and right now, my priority is simply your sister - my daughter's - welfare. I'm gonna take Stephanie and go home." "Hey hey, I'm not done talking to you, Dad. Who do you think you are?" and he spins him around. Crowd: "Oooh!" "Let me tell you something - this power trip you're on - if you want true power, you have to earn it. And you have to EARN it with RESPECT." "Respect THIS" and Shane SLAPS him one. Vince does that slow burn and there's a staredown. Stephanie gives the "Dad, PLEASE" until she and Vince turns and walk off. Shane puts on the bad mouth as he walks away. "You're not my father anymore! That's right - Dad! You're not my father - you're not my dad anymore! Matter of fact, you're not even Mr. McMahon to me anymore! You have - not my respect! You are simply known from now on as Vince." Stephanie takes Vince and they walk away. In the ring, Ken Shamrock has major issues with all of this - and walks off to some pretty good cheers.

Let me get out my scorecard here - okay...Mr. McMahon replaced with Vince, check - face turn progressing nicely. Shamrock on the outs, face turn in effect, check. Patterson & Brisco written out (apparently) for Rodney and Pete "Gas." Hmm, we'll see how that works...I'm ambivalent for the moment. Anything else? No Undertaker or Austin in the opening gambit, except by allusion. This story? I'm digging it! Now, to avoid bias, I'll note: THIS ISN'T WRESTLING! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

Austin and D'Lo know THE SECRET! 1-800-COLLECT!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - the slap heard 'round the world. Various camera angles get us a pretty good look at the reactions of everyone else in the ring - mostly shock.

Backstage, we see the Three Musketeers, Stephanie, Shamrock and the cops walk off. Vince stops to shake Shamrock's hand and thank him for his loyalty. See, that's reinforcement! The escort continues on to the limousine, where they're off for the night.

Back in the Corporation's locker room - the Rock goes out for some fresh air - Shane's gonna say what's up to those remaining - but we're not gonna see it.

(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. TORI v. IVORY (with stupid scarf) v. JACQUELINE (with Terri Runnels) in a Four Corners match for the Women's World Championship - remember when "Amazon" was a word reserved for Chyna? Hey, look, it's the entire women's division! Jackie has words for Sable before the bell - Nicole Bass chokeslams her! Here's a bodyslam for Tori! I'm thinking no match here - Ivory throttled on the top rope - here's another chokeslam. Sable grinds again. Well...I guess that's the best thing you could have done in this situation. Yeah, RIGHT. (No contest) Bass: "You got a proooooblem?" How can I best answer that?

The lights go out. BONG...BONG...let's look at the TitanTron where a familiar face speaks: "McMahon, you can run and you can hide, but you know it's only a matter of time that your precious daughter Stephanie - she will be mine. It is her destiny. But tonight, McMahon, in Stephanie's absence, another innocent victim will be sacrificed before the Lord of Darkness. And you know McMahon, there's only one person to blame. Only one person to be held responsible. And that is you."

Ross & Lawler chat. Tonight, X-Pac and Kane take on Triple H and Test for the Tag Team titles! And probably some other stuff.

Backstage, there's Stone Cold Steve Austin - and he's - he's - WALKING!

New Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli ad - Mankind is MMM BEEFY!

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN brings the WWF title into the ring as we pass the half hour mark with no wrestling. "Smoking skull" is said for the first time tonight. Austin asks for a "hell yeah" if we're ready for Backlash. He's gonna get his belt from the Rock and Shane won't be treating HIM like he's treated Vince. But two weeks is too long for him to wait - he'd like Rock to show up tonight and hand over the belt tonight or he'll go back and grab his "nursery rhyme singin', roody poo candy ass," drag it back here and whup it up. The TitanTron lights up with the Rock - standing on a bridge, holding Austin's belt - hmm! - but he's NOT going to throw it in the river like Austin did to HIS Intercontinental title - oh no. Rock DARES Austin to find him - big game hunter that he is. "Hunt the greatest species ... walkin' God's green earth." He's on the Roody Poo Bridge, at the corner of People's Champ Boulevard and Candyass Lane. Austin says he's not the Super Species, he's the Super Feces - and he's not sure feces floats. That belt's coming back, that's the bottom line, 'cause yadda yadda yadda. Then he pops a cold beer - cooooold beer - coooooold beer - cooooold beer.

Backstage, Mankind asks to be directed to the boiler room. Asking the desk guy if that's a hockey hat, Mankind casually mentions that he "used to play some tonsil hockey with Al Snow" as he walks by. What's Snow paying Mankind for the mentions and should Hyatte and I be paying each other for the same service?

MICHAEL KING COLE stands next to a door! It's the boiler room door - Mankind has promised to be locked in the boiler room for two weeks to protect the Big Show from Mankind. We'll talk to him later tonight!

WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX Motor Oily!

PAUL WIGHT (LION) v. ? - "Well, it's the Big Show / It's a Big Big Show tonight..." I'm still laughing. THE BROOD appear through a burning ring o' far as we are Taken Back to Previous Weeks to show that Christian's been having a bad time of late - first giving up Stephanie while in the throes of Ken Shamrock's anklelock, then suffering the pinfall in a match he wasn't even competing in. The voice of the Undertaker magically comes across the PA. "Edge - Gangrel - leave. And leave now. Tonight, Christian must prove his worth to the Ministry, but more importantly, he must prove his worth to me. Edge, Gangrel, there's nothing to think about. You leave - or tonight, you will be the ones having to pay penance. Furrowed brows all around, but they comply. First match at 42:42 into the show! Christian ducks and slides through - of course, the body attack is completely absorbed and Wight takes him to the corner. Here's a slam - here's ahhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM - here's a pin. (1:21) "Well, it's a squaaash show - it's a big big squaaash" Replay of damn near the entire match.

Michael Cole interviews Mankind from the boiler room. Mankind realises the Big Show is everybody's big buddy right now, but he still has a problem with him. After the Boiler Room Brawl, they'll need a big stretcher for Wight.

Shane, having just seen this interview, directs the Mean Street Posse to go to the Boiler Room and muss up Mankind a little bit. Let's see if they can be as funny as Pat & Gerry, that's what *I* want to see! Ha!

Rock paces on the bridge.

The Mean Street Posse JOGS to the Boiler Room!

BADD ASS BILLY GUNN v. VAL VENIS - we learn that the Outlaws will take on Hart & Jarrett at Backlash with the winner to receive a tag team title shot. Gunn tells us to suck it, Venis says his dick is big. Might this be an ACTUAL match tonight? Lockup, to the rope, switch, switch, in the corner. No clean break as Venis strikes with punches and kicks. Standing on the throat here. Finally we get the break - Val poses and Gunn clothesline him. Off the ropes we go, Venis slides under - spinebuster. 1, 2, kickout. To the arm wringer. Bump'n'grind, clothesline. Head taken to the buckle. Uppercut. Off the ropes, head down, kick from Gunn, DDT - Gunn does the Venis bump'n'grind and gets 2. Venis' head taken to the turnbuckle. Into the opposite corner, big splash, clothesline, right. Whip into the opposite corner, Venis lands hard. Crowd couldn't care less about all this wrestling stuff. Venis ducks the charge and catapults Gunn RIGHT into the turbuckle. Nice butterfly suplex but only 2. Gunn with punches, Venis with big boot, Gunn with back bodydrop, Venis ducks a charge and Gunn goes sailing over the top rope. Now OWEN HART & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET are out to attack Gunn (DQ 3:41) - here's DEBRA - here's ROAD DOGG - Venis and Gunn and Dogg working together to take Hart & Jarrett away while Debra's in the ring. Venis gets in the ring and we see eyes meet. Venis does his Rick Rude impersonation and she seems to like it - before anything comes of all this (or before anything comes), Jarrett grabs Debra and the three walk off. Is Debra smitten with Val? And how stupid would that make her?

Rodney and Pete "Gas" do a little spiel then storm the Boiler Room... I bet after this ad break we find out how they did.

Austin (and D'Lo) for 1-800-COLLECT - why would they be talkin' on the phone some night, anyway? And with all the money Austin makes, why WOULDN'T he let Brown call him collect? Ha!

Castrol GTX presents the Slam of the Week! From last night's Heat - the X Factor on Billy Gunn secures the pinfall in the ten second triple threat tag team title match.

Hey, guess what? Mankind had no problem with the Posse! I bet THAT'S a shock! "I hate that damn haircut anyway!" - then we hear some ... crying sounds? And they weren't coming from Mankind...?

TEAM NO-NAME (with Debra Nolastname & Raw Credits) v. ACOLYTES (with TV-14-DLV ratings box) - Hart skeedaddles, Jarrett is decimated. Jarrett manages a swinging neckbreaker but eats an elbow. Both men tag out. Hart has more luck with Bradshaw. The back of Hart's tights say "HO." Jarrett breaks up a pinfall attempt and now all four men are in. The rest of the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES rush the ring (DQ 1:28 - you thought there'd be WRESTLING tonight?) and the lights are out - the music starts - and UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER make the slow walk as Debra is made the focus. "Debra, Debra, Debra - beautiful Debra. You have to understand, this is not my fault - you see McMahon has left me no other choice. He left with Stephanie! Tonight, she was to be my prize - my trophy - and now you're gonna have to do. You see, McMahon, how many of the innocent will have to suffer? How many souls will I have to take before she's mine?" KING KEN SHAMROCK rushes the ring with a baseball bat - everybody scatters but Undertaker. "Shamrock, if you hit me, you'll never see Ryan again." Ken almost hits her anyway. "Whoa whoa whoa! Ryan's in the boiler room. And from what Viscera told me, she's enjoyed everything that's happened to her." Christian tries to grab the bat from behind, but Shamrock gets him. The Ministry attacks, black ninja style (one at a time so it doesn't work) and Shamrock has no problems with them. Shamrock runs off as Undertaker smiles. "Be very careful - hahahahahahaha." Damn, he's lookin' EVIL these days.

Another shot of Rock on the bridge.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Shamrock shows what you're SUPPOSED to do with a baseball bat - crack up some skulls, not point it at a video screen - oops

There's Shamrock ambling over to the boiler room...

BIG BOSSMAN v. GOLDUST for the Intercontinental Championship - Goldust is strangely alone tonight. Before the match starts, it's the GODFATHER, walking to the ring with TEN - NO, WAIT, FIVE HO'S. Last week, I got plenty of letters that "Hompin'" was "Hempin'." Oops. Godfather says that since nothing was settled last week, he's like to offer Bossman any of these five ho's to give up his title shot to the Godfather. "If you don't want 'em, we got some hockey players from the DETROIT RED WINGS, and we know they'll take them. Hey, you know they know what to do with that nightstick." Bossman says "Hey, I'm the law and order and pimpin's illegal!" Actually, no, he says he wants all five - he's learned from the Master, STEVE BLACKMAN! Godfather says okay, you got all five for the whole night. Bossman and the ho's take off - and now it's

GOLDUST v. GODFATHER for the Intercontinental Championship - Goldust attacks from behind before the bell. Off the ropes, clothesline, kick, punch, uppercut, straight right, off the ropes, reversal, Godfather takes him up and down. Kick. Punch. To the corner, kick, kick, kick, whip off the ropes, Goldust ducks - got him up - sidewalk slam-alike for 2. Goldust throws him over the top rope and follows. Head to the STEEL steps. This ALMOST resembles some WRESTLING tonight! Back in the ring after it's all Goldust. Still on him - Godfather fights out of the corner, Goldust comes back and whips him into the opposite corner as a large "Nitro sucks" chant is noted by the commentary team. Rear chinlock by Goldust. Repeated right hands by Goldust. Uppercut. To the turnbuckle - whip into the opposite corner is reversed - Godfather winds up - Ho train splash! Godfather goes to the well too often, though - Goldust ducks a charge and dumps him over the top rope. The turnbuckle cover is removed and no one notices, apparently. Goldust plays possum - inside cradle as Godfather comes in - 1, 2, no! Goldust on him with clubbing forearms - Godfather manages to sidestep a charge to the exposed STEEL - Goldust goes into it (and doesn't really hit, but oh well) - Godfather with a Pimp Drop (Spicolli Driver) - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Intercontinental Champion (3:56) and surely this is a sign of the impending Apocalypse. The ho's come back and the celebration is on. I think the belt isn't big enough for Godfather's waist either...

Shamrock has FINALLY made it to the Boiler Room. Mankind directs him to his sister - then we hear some noise off camera...

WWF: The Music Volume 3 - the best selling Sports Entertainment disc EVER!

Austin and Brown and 1-800-COLLECT for the third time.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight and see the slap heard 'round the World. Respect This! Slap!

Back in the Boiler Room, the Ministry is taking out Ken Shamrock and Mankind. Ryan's screaming but apparently held. Ken's chloformed and they carry him off - Undertaker stopping to tell Ryan that SHE'S the one responsible for what happens to him now. Ross: "Even the Undertaker's fans can't condone what he's doing now!" Translation: "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL CHEERING THIS GUY? ARE YOU DAFT? BOO THIS GUY ALREADY! HE'S A BAD GUY NOW! GOD DAMMIT, DO WHAT WE SAY!" Sorry, got carried away there.

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily and WWF: The Music - Volume 3 (buy it at Blockbuster and Wherehouse!) and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!

D'LO BROWN (with the apparently recovered Ivory and what the HELL is up with that scarf) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the Hardcore title - AL SNOW has joined the commentary team and HEAD is wearing the King's crown, much to Lawler's consternation. Attacks before the bell, over/under on time until they leave the ring is one minute! Off the ropes, lovely dropkick from Holly, they're out of the ring in *11* SECONDS! Holly finds a hockey stick under the ring, but before he can use it, the Red Wings in the front row take it from him. Holly pushes them down, giving Brown enough time to recover and regain the mo. The Red Wings are happy to give HIM the stick. At Backlash, Snow finally gets his Hardcore shot - "something stinks as bad as Mankind..." Hey stop that already! Back in the ring with the stick - Brown breaks it over Holly's back. Brown grabs a chair and brings it into the ring. Scoop and a slam - chair laid across his face - lightning leg drop on the chair on the face! Brown ties up Holly in the ropes while they talk about Mankind some more. Brown tries the chair but Holly kicks him in the gut, unties himself and clotheslines him to the mat. Piece of stick used as a wiffleball bat. Ross cuts off Snow joking about Mankind, oh well. Brown's trick knee acts up to regain control. More hockey stick shots. Clothesline over the top rope. Snow says Holly looks a little thirsty and hands Holly a glass of Kool-Aid - which Holly promptly breaks over Brown's head for 2. Holly grabs a table from under the ring as Castrol GTX sponsors the double feature of the glass shot. Table is set up in the ring, which takes forever. Sky-Hi counter! Brown readjusts the table, puts Holly on it and set up for the 'Lo-Down - but Snow takes Brown off the turnbuckle. Brown gets his chair and takes it to Snow, THEN to Holly for good measure. He climbs the turnbuckle again - Snow just manages to pull Holly off the table - Brown frog splashes the table! Holly covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:35)

"People say I've lost touch with reality. Well I just want you to know that I am who I am. And the reality is, tonight you become one with my Ministry, but before that can happen, you must suffer. You must feel unimaginable pain. So Kenny - rest gently my friend. It's going to be a long, long night - hahahahahahahahaha"

HE'S POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!

Rock, still on the bridge, just HAPPENS to come across a fishing pole. Is he really gonna do a little fishing? Wouldn't he have to have a REALLLLLLY long line from THAT bridge?

Austin, Brown, and 1-800-COLLECT #4 and I'm officially tired of the ad tonight.

With the lights set on BLACKLIGHT, the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES and KING KEN SHAMROCK are in position at the top of the ramp. Shamrock - you guessed it - lashed to the "Symbol." Then, for seemingly no reason, he grabs Christian by the throat - Edge wants to know what's up with that. "Put him on the cross - no...YOU! Put him on the Symbol!" Oops, Bob Ryder will NEVER let him live down that he said "cross" that one time. Anyway, Edge and Gangrel demur to this request, so Midian and Viscera are asked to tie him down. Edge and Gangrel have had enough of this, and strike. Now the entire Ministry is fighting the Brood - this whole time Shamrock is trying to untie himself and escape. MANKIND is also out now, making it five on five as Undertaker and Paul Bearer appear to have stepped out - no, he's just watching - in the Brood position - smoke rises and Undertaker lowers through the stage. They're still fighting but let's take that last ad break!

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by TWIX! Last week on RAW, Kane and X-Pac teamed up and won the tag team titles from Hart & Jarrett!

X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TRIPLE H & TEST (with That Slut Chyna) for the tag team championship - If we time this just right, the entrances will take longer than the match! Oh, no we won't - although the Champs enter separately, the Corporate team enters together, to "No Chance in Hell." Triple H and Kane start - Triple H attacking before the bell with punches - whip is reversed, big boot from Kane, big punch, tag out to Test, who isn't too happy about being slapped in the back like that. Kane flips him in when it isn't fast enough. Throat shot. Scoop and a slam. Off the rope - big leg drop. X-Pac wants the tag - Kane with the throat shot. Whip into the opposite corner, clothesline ducked, Test with a dropkick to take Kane into the corner. Repeated punches, which Kane absorbs. Kane ALL over him while X-Pac begs for a tag. Uhh, he's doing just fine, why bother? Anyway, Kane looks at X-Pac - then continues stomping away. X-Pac finally tags KANE and comes in. As X-Pac explains the concept of tag to him, Test attacks from behind. See where that gets you? Off the ropes, cothesline ducked, spinning heel kick from X-Pac. Enziguiri! Shot for H for good measure! But Test puts up the big boot as he celebrates that. Tag to Triple H. X-Pac in the corner - H with repeated rights and kicks - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner having issues with this - as they talk Chyna gets in a rope choke. 2 count from Triple H as we turn around. Tag to Test. Gutwrench into a powerbomb, wow! Only 2. Tag to Triple H. Kick to the gut. Right hand. X-Pac punches back, whip off the ropes, head down, face on the knee. 1, 2, no. Triple H to the rear chinlock. You know, if X-Pac hadn't been so gung ho about tagging... coming up after this match, the confrontation on the bridge! Yeehar! Arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice. Crowd is kinda loud, unbelievably. X-Pac fires back but H takes him down by the hair. Off the ropes, spinning heel kick from X-Pac! But both men are down. Who will make the tag? That's right, both men! Kane with a lariat, throat shot. Head to the buckle - sorta. Double thrust - Triple H thrown on Test. Triple H taken over the top rope while X-Pac hits the broncobuster on Test. Now both men out - now Triple H throwing TEST into the ring (huh?) - One tombstone later - 1, 2, 3. (6:26) Apparently, he's avoiding X-Pac now. After talking it over, X-Pac and Kane both head up the ramp after Triple H.

The Rock, back on the bridge, hears his pager go off - "3:16?"

KING KEN SHAMROCK makes his way to the ring one more time and we're really close to out of time, so it'll have to be quick. "You know Undertaker, I've been running around here all night long trying to get a piece of you, and you keep slipping out the back door. Well Mark, I'm standing in the ring right here tonight - and I know that you can hear me. So, Mark, why don't you bring yourself down here, bring yourself into the ring here, and you and me, man on man, let's end this thing right here right now! Oh, and there's one more thing, Mark, it's about time you got brought down to reality." The lights dutifully dim - when they're back up, the UNDERTAKER is standing behind him. Right hand takes him to the mat. Undertaker hammers away - but Shamrock uses his legs to reverse and rains down rights on him - but the remainder of the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES quickly comes in. Shamrock can't handle all five and Viscera holds him while Faarooq rains down rights on him. Save is made by - TRIPLE H and BIG BOSSMAN? No, there's a right from Triple H and some nightstick shots from Bossman. SKIPPY appears at the top of the ramp with a smile on his face while the Ministry watches from the ring. The lights go out again...

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Austin has FINALLY driven his truck to the bridge and rushes the Rock. Rock's still got the fishin' pole, though, and waffles him with it. Rock takes Austin to the bridge, OVER the bridge, says some stuff that's bleeped (TAPE! TAPE!), and lets him FALL to the river below! (Or so the editing would have you believe.) Rock then hurls the belt off the bridge in an almost perfectly framed shot. And we're out.

6 matches (7 if you count the women's match that didn't get started) for 21:27 of bell to bell "action," by my watch. Well, it ain't wrestling - but damned if I still enjoyed it anyway. But that's just me.