/3 May 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Here are two randomly selected letters that arrived at the
exact same time last week.
Hey usually I like your shit, but today you suck. Give it a rest, buddy. If you hate WCW and WWF then do something else with your time instead of ripping the shit out of probably what was one of the best Raw's in a long time. Your complaining about the non-wrestling, who cares, it's all about the story lines that lead to the matches, unlike in WCW when they put on matches like with Sting & DDP for no reason, no story behind it? You're getting a little over cynical, your reports used to be entertaining now you just rip on everything, get over your bad self.
That was from James Brown, I think.
You are by far, the FUNNIEST PERSON ON THE NET!! Thank God for recaps like yours since those other guys obviously do a crappy effort trying to imitate you. I not mentioning names like Scott Keith or Brian French, oh hell, I guess I just did. Oh well, fuck 'em. Keep up the good work.
Like most things, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. But thanks, Double H!
Here's another one, solely for entertainment purposes:
What determines if a wrestling match is good or bad??? I still believe that it is fake!!!! Oh yeah but I keep forgetting you are a so called internet reporter so you have to write something!!!! Your reports about monday night wrestling would be a lot better if you would stop trying to be funny and sarcastic!!!!!!
He's right!!!! I better get right on that!!!! Because I am a so called internet reporter so I have to write something!!!! I need to stop trying to be so funny and sarcastic!!!! Don't you agree???? But what do you mean wrestling is fake????
Let's move on...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
This clip montage is rated TV-14-DLV! LAST THURSDAY we are introduced to the Corporate Ministry (OH MY GOD!) and also watch a great big tag team contest, and also see Vince KO his son, then get KO'd by an Undertaker chair shot. Shane beats up his unconscious old man, and Austin gives a Stunner to Shane. LAST NIGHT the Corporate Ministry takes out Mankind, Shamrock, Test and Show (oh oh, Shane said the forbidden words "Paul Wight!") - and Shane promises a confrontation with Vince TONIGHT!
Opening credits - closed captioned logo - RAW IS WAR'S A PORN TO BOB RY! (der)
FIREWORKS! greet us to the Sports Arena in San Diego, CA - the HOME of AARON ZIMMERMAN and the recently displaced Ken Shamrock - it's 3.5.99 (but this show was taped 2.5) and it's RAW is WAR on USA and TSN! This show is en espanol donde sea disponible! Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.
The CORPORATE MINISTRY makes their way to the ring for the opening interview. I have to say I don't mind the new music as it's less like the incredibly annoying "No Chance in Hell." Shane says he's not responsible for anybody foolish enough to get in the faces of anyone in the Ministry. Shane pauses for the "asshole" chant. Shane does his best Vince impersonation, going on and on about "compassion" and finally declaring the people in the crowd "losers," while he's "got it all." Power is good, we learn. "How many of you out there would have the balls the size of grapefruits to slap your maker?" Triple H gets the mic and promises Bad Things for the (C)rock, ensuring that the Rock gets the face treatment. "Why, because he can raise an eyebrow and drop a little elbow, and he stays up all night thinking of catchphrases and marketing ploys for each and every one of you? Well you keep coming out here Rock, and you sing your little songs and you do your little comedy routine. But Rock, at Over the Edge, there's gonna be nothing funny about the way I end your career." Gosh, don't you just HATE when the heels say TRUE stuff? Undertaker: "Real simple - I hate everyone. But Austin, your name is on top of the list. Who in the hell do you think you are? You come out here and try and be everyone's saviour. Well let me tell you something, boy. ... I let you go your own way. I thought we might have been able to coexist. But that ain't gonna happen. Because now I'm not gonna play the role of saviour - I'm the role of executioner. At Over the Edge, let me tell you what's gonna happen. First, I'm gonna take your title. Second, I'm gonna beat you like you've never been beaten before. Third, after I've beaten you - after I've taken your title, I'm gonna take your beaten carcass, throw it over my shoulder, I'm gonna walk out of the arena with ya, and I'm gonna take you to Monday Night RAW, and you will be the ultimate sacrifice. You will be sacrificed to a power even greater than I. And you will know my name is the Lord of Darkness, and there ain't a damn thing you, or any of YOU, can do about it nuuuhhhhh..." Hey, he said ULTIMATE! "And Austin, just remember that I will firsthand witness the 1, 2, 3, because I will be wearing the black and white as the Special Guest Referee where the Undertaker will once again become the World Wrestling Federation champion." Shane says Vince has two hours to come out - Shane has his master plan, and the last piece of the puzzle will be put in place. Before Shane can finish, at the top of the ramp are the four folks Shane boasted about hurting so badly last night. MANKIND, KING KEN SHAMROCK, WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW, and TEST, all with 2x4's in tow. "Well, lookee lookee what we've got here, Shane. Every one of us at one time or another worked for the Corporation - and now every one of us stands here as - well, I guess you can call us Disgruntled former employees. So what we've done, Test, Shamrock, the Big Show and myself, is we've ah kinda banded together to form a Union. Now, we do not have fancy initials - we're not FIST for the Federation of InterState Truckers - we're not SAG for the Screen Actors Guild - we're simply a Union of people you oughta respect, son! Wait wait wait - Union - people - you oughta respect - well I guess we DO have initials, you can just call us - UP YOURS, Shane!" Wight advances but Mankind stops him. "Wait Big Show - wait wait - you see, your dad used to come out here and the whole crowd used to chant A-hole, A-hole, and maybe they were right. But at least when Vince was running the show, we were compensated - I think I speak for all of us when I say that since you took over, our paycheques suck, Shane. So you may think you have our financial future in our hands - but you mess with the Union, you little twit, and you will find that we have your testicles in ours. Hey! Let's go grab some balls, guys!" And they advance on the ring. The Ministry stands their ground until met with 2x4's - a hasty retreat is beat, leaving the Union in the ring. Shane promises that they'll go down later and they haven't seen the last of him. Crowd chants "YOON-YUN" and let's take an ad break!
Austin vs. Brown - winner calls collect!
Happy Hour is NEXT!
BADD ASS BILLY GUNN v. X-PAC - Let Us Take you Back to last week where Kane & X-Pac hold onto the title against the Outlaws, Gunn beats up X-Pac, then on Heat Gunn apologises, then turns on X-Pac again. Road Dogg makes the save. Good Lord that there "Ass Man" theme sucks the high hard one. X-Pac storms the ring but ends up on the low end of some stompin'. X-Pac reverses a whip into a spinning heel kick, then dumps him over the top rope. But Gunn manages to turn the tide when 'pac follows. Head to the steps blocked, Gunn's head (sorta) meets the steps. Back in the ring. Whip into the corner, but X-Pac crotches himself and misses. Stinger splash to his back! Gunn with some sort of pelvic thrust heat grabber. Choke on the second rope. Here's a fifteen minute suplex (half a half hour suplex) for 2. To the reverse chinlock. Lawler notes the fans' fickleness towards Mr. Ass. X-Pac rises and elbows out, Gunn whips him into the ropes, then hits a high powerslam. Gunn works the crowd some more with his new pelvic move. 1, 2, no. Kneedrop. Whip into the corner, coming out - press and a slam. Gunn makes the "ooh, my ass sizzles when I lick my finger and touch it" motion. Back to the choke. Whip into the opposite corner - here comes another splash, I bet it misses - yup. GUNN FLOP! Both men down, count is on from referee "Blind" Tim White. Both men up at 6. X-Pac with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Spinning heel kick. Whip, reversal, duck, spinning heel kick, 1, 2, no! Into the corner, kick, kick, spinning kick, broncobuster - nope, foot in the crotch. I always love that counter. Double feature brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT. There's the fame'asser. 1, 2, 3. (5:00) Wow, clean (sorta) pin and everything! Gunn still on him - now he's got a chair. ROAD DOGG runs out to prevent a chair piledriver - he wants to know what's up - well Gunn punches him. Dogg quickly gets the upper hand, so much so that he can dance between punches (ugh) and Gunn goes outside. Dogg checks up on his chum, allowing Gunn to come back in and whack his ex-tag team partner with a chair. Now the lights are out - the theme starts up - THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE walks v-e-r-y slowly to the ring, and even THEN Gunn almost sticks around waiting for him to show up. Replay of the broncobuster counter, fame'asser, chairshot, and Kane carries his partner back up the ramp, leaving Dogg in the ring.
We see a door with "Shane McMahon" written on it. We also hear some muffled shouting - Shane's gonna show that there Union, yup yup.
Hey, it's the CORPORATE MINISTRY again! You know, I always thought *Robin* was the "Boy Wonder." Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight and show you what you just seen. "I've made a few changes for tonight's lineup...Shane McMahon is in charge." Backstage, we see Vince, Stephanie *and Linda* arrive in the building, with two cops. Shane announces a four corners match - Bossman, Viscera, Midian, and Test. Also tonight, a Hardcore matchup - Mankind vs. Acolytes. Triple H draws Ken Shamrock - oh and Chyna will be the special guest referee. The Mean Street Posse will take on Patterson & Brisco in a "rehabilitation" match. The Big Show, being the only man left, will get a match with the Undertaker. And tonight, for no apparent reason other than Shane's a lech - an Evening Gown Match between Debra and Sable. We take a look backstage and see the three McMahons and other Musketeers watching TV (presumably Shane). After Triple H whispers in Shane's ear one more time, Shane announces a match between the Rock and Steve Austin (what? People who purchase pay-per-views are idiots!) - oh and that match will be a lumberjack match - the lumberjacks being the Corporate Ministry. Oh, just one more thing. But before we get that - VINCENT K. appears at the top of the ramp and walks to the ring. And then, STEPHANIE & LINDA McMAHON and TWO COPS also make their way to the ring. We get a good shot of Undertaker making the eyes at Stephanie. "Isn't this cute? Mom and Daddy's little girl. What's up, Vince?" "Shane, stop now before you go too far-" "Nononono, I haven't begun to go far. No nono I haven't gone far enough. This is MY time. This is me we're talking about, not you - I'M running the show." "I think, you're about to make a big mistake. And I think you better think long and hard before you do. And you better get your stuff together because your family is not standing behind you." "Come on, you wanna bring it? I'm right here for ya, Vinnie Mac! How 'bout me and you? Think of the box office, Vince! You know what, I've taken your company out from under you - I've taken everything - the only thing I wanna take now is YOUR ASS. Think of the box office, Vince vs. Shane in this very ring - how 'bout it, POP?" "Nope, the answer's no - but if you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your sister, Stephanie, maybe just maybe your mother Linda - maybe you'll listen to her." Wow! "Shane, I'm beggin' you son, in the name of our family, please-" "Shut your mouth, Mom!" Vince grabs him and Shane eggs him on. "How 'bout it, me and you?" Vince turns to his wife and daughter and encourages them out of the ring. Huge "VINNIE MAC" chant. Vince leaves the ring and the McMahon Trio walks off. "Hey Vince, you know what? I can have him do it again...who do you think was the Mastermind abducting your little girl Stephanie? It was me!" Vince gulps in dramatic fashion - he did it again! "I knew if Daddy's little girl was in a weakened position that you would crumble - that you would leave the business like a hot potato and I was there to pick up the pieces? How do you think the Undertaker got into our house? How do you think he got Stephanie's little teddy bear? How do you think the pictures were taken? It was all me! And Stephanie, who do you think picked out your wedding dress? Wasn't it the BOMB?" Linda, horrified, holds her daughter closer while Vince, who couldn't take any more, rushes the ring and promptly gets beaten down. Stephanie and Linda make their way to the apron and plead for it to stop. Linda, mouth agape, makes her way into the ring as the Corporation leaves. "I'll take that as a yes. I'll see you tonight!" Then Vince says "You're damn right!" and we hear it just fine even though there's no mics around. Crowd pops.
Good Lord, did they just make EIGHT matches tonight? How the HELL they gonna get that done in just over eighty minutes?
Back in Vince's office, Stephanie and Linda plead with Vince to not take the match with Shane. Vince says he's gonna kick HIS ASS! And then he tells the cops to escort his wife and daughter to the hotel so they don't have to see it.
MEAN STREET POSSE v. PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO - a promo is cut before the Musketeers enter - let's let that go. A shove from the Posse starts this off. Brisco with fists o' fury while Patterson prefers kick to the nuts (Make your own joke here) - Waistlock into a takedown by Brisco! Patterson with another kick to the nuts! Poor Pete "Gas." Patterson whuppin' him with a belt. Brisco with the head to the buckle - Brisco tosses Rodney out of the ring, and he gets caught on the ropes on his way down - heh. Patterson dumps Pete over the barricade while Brisco - well, something happens. Next thing we know referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is raising the hands of the Stooges - why? Dunno. (ref stop? 1:27) Geez, you'd never know what bumbling idiots these guys were just a short month ago...
Shane promises "an office visit" and as the Corporate Ministry - WALKS - away...
The US Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week - Vince rescuing Austin, taking a chairshot in the process - from Smackdown!
There's the Corporate Ministry - they're still WALKING!
TEST v. BIG BOSSMAN v. MIDIAN v. VISCERA in a four corners match - not surprisingly, the Corporate Ministry members walk out together. Lawler notes that it was only a short while ago that the Ministry hung Bossman - how can he ever trust Midian & Viscera? Geez, Lawler, that's almost INTELLIGENT of ya! Bossman and Test start. Test blocks a punch and gets a flurry, but Bossman strikes, whip - as he comes out, Bossman clubs him in the back of the head from behind, taking him down. Piledriver - no, back body drop from Test. Stomps on him. Right hand. Bossman takes him to Viscera's corner and tags out. Test manages to punch Bossman and throw back elbows to Viscera, but Viscera overpowers him - until Test regains control. But a whip is reversed - slow splash. He should have tagged Bossman there! Whip into opposite corner, boot up. Dropkick! Test tries to tag Midian, but he jumps off the apron. Belly-to-belly suplex from Viscera. Tag to Midian. Punches exchanged. Jawbreaker from Midian. Head to the turnbuckle. Right hands. Half-snap suplex. 1, 2, no. Headbutt. Elbow to the back of the head. Choke on the top rope. Right. Right. Another headbutt. This offense is best characterised as "deliberate." Whip - Test holds on - ersatz Samoan drop - while referee "Blind" Jim Korderas argues with Viscera, Bossman comes in with a kick. Midian holds Test for a nightstick shot - now you KNOW that won't hit the right guy. Test with the big boot to Bossman - elbow for Viscera - cover Midian, 1, 2, 3. (3:39) Bossman and Viscera are quickly back on Test - tripleteam is on now - here's the UPYOURS and their 2x4's to make the save. "Well it's the Big Show" plays - gee, why not. And THEN ... man, it was unreal! The Big Show chokeslammed Test and pinned him in under a minute! No, wait, sorry, that was a Smackdown! flashback. I'm sorry. That didn't happen tonight.
Backstage, we see Triple H leave an office, holding his hand - we see Vince thrown against a wall - Undertaker getting a stomp in for good measure as he leaves. Paul Bearer gives "seeya!" as JR shouts "Vince has been assaulted! Vince has been assaulted!"
Austin and Brown and just keep playing that 1-800-COLLECT ad, go ahead!
AND Happy Hour is NEXT! Well, in about an hour...
1-800-COLLECT presents WWF: Over the Edge! 23 May!
SKIPPY v. VINCENT K. - wow, they're gonna go in the changeover slot? There's the RAW credits and the TV-14-DLV ratings box to start the second hour a couple of minutes late. Big "asshole" chant. "Come on, Vince! Don't keep me waiting! I knew you wouldn't show up! I know you didn't have the grapefruits to come face me, because everybody knows that I can take you! You probably hopped into your limo with your precious little girl Stephanie and good ol' Mom and skeedaddled! You couldn't take your son! Nononono! You can't face the facts! You can't face it - that I have the power - that I run the Corporation - it's Shane McMahon's show! It would please me so much if you walked down that aisle because if you were in this ring I would annihilate you for the entire world to witness! But obviously that's not gonna happen now." Ross: "This kid needs an ass whippin'!" Shane: "So Mr. Referee, I think you should raise my hand and declare Shane McMahon the winner!" But there he appears on the top of the ramp - staggering down the ramp, then collapsing on the ramp. Shane leaves the ring and rushes him with a clothesline. Shane lays on the bad mouth. Field goal kick coming up - measure measure measure - kick "to the face." Shane grabs him by the hair (easy now!) and throws him in the ring. The bell sounds to start the match. Shane sets him up in the corner - steps on the throat - I thought a broncobuster was coming - oh, wait - here it is. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner asks Vince if he wants to quit. No answer. Shane picks him up - then takes him down with a clothesline. Shane poses to the crowd, who dutifully boos on cue. Shane picks him up again (watch the hair!) Clothesline is ducked, VINCE hits a clothesline of his own. Kick to the gut - STONE COLD STUNNER! Vince barks at him - then covers! 1, 2, 3!! (1:48 bell-to-bell) The roof blows off the joint. Damn, that was pretty cool, wasn't it? Oh sorry. I mean, "that sucked and it wasn't wrestling." Don't burn my workrate membership card, PLEEEEEEEEEASE. Crowd chants "Loo-Zer" to Shane. Shane says this ain't over as we watch neat facial expressions from first father, then son.
Austin Hell Yeah Snake Shirt Costs Money
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as the Corporation lays the smack down on Vince - then a bit later, Vince managed to stagger out for his match with his son. We pay special attention to the double bird before the Stunner - then see many angles of the Stunner, there's the jawjacking, and the cover.
MANKIND (with 2x4 but without American flag) v. ACOLYTES (with shovel) in a Hardcore Handicap match - the Acolytes rush the ring but Mankind gets first shot with a 2x4 across the back of Bradshaw. Gutshot for Faarooq, and again. Mankind stays on Faarooq, apparently forgetting Bradshaw has a shovel. That waylays him. Double team is on - whip, double elbow. 1-800-COLLECT brings us the double feature. Now he's outside the ring and grabbing whatever's handy. Something very soft hits Faarooq, and Faarooq wisely nosells the cotton candy shot. Steps thrown in the ring - Bradshaw whips Mankind into the steps, held by Faarooq. JR makes an obscure Kentucky Derby reference. Thrown outside the ring again. "Foley" chant as Faarooq works over Mankind with the 2x4. Back in the ring again - Off the ropes - Mankind with a double clothesline! Faarooq thrown through the ropes, Mankind follows - let's hope he does better than cotton candy - oh boy, a box full of plastic peanuts! Again, Bradshaw wisely ignores that shot. Acolytes work him over again, head to the STEEL steps. Ross says Mankind usually has time to prepare some better weapons. I wonder if they're poking fun at something here? Mankind whipped into the timekeeper's table. Now Faarooq standing with one leg on the table and one on the barricade and punching away - Mankind manages a nice kick to the nuts but Bradshaw hits a bell shot. Mankind FINALLY finds a suitable weapon - a trash can to both Acolytes' heads - DDT of Bradshaw on the can! Cover - 1, 2, Faarooq with a chair to the back to break that up. Faarooq rolls him back in the ring. Stomp, stomp - chairshot while Bradshaw looks for more plunder. Another chair in the ring - Bradshaw holds Mankind for the chairshot - well you know he's gonna hit his partner. Sure enough - Bradshaw knocked cold. Mankind with a double underhook DDT on Faarooq! Mankind up - time for the sock - Mandible Socko for Faarooq - but Bradshaw hits his "clothesline from Hell." 1-800-COLLECT brings us the inadvertant chairshot replay. Bradshaw winds up and chairs Mankind in the back. Faarooq kicks. Chairs set up a la Wight's chokeslam - assisted powerbomb on the chairs. 1, 2, 3. That was the right result, you know. (5:40) Many replays, including one with sound (they seem to like doing that tonight) Mankind shows off his sock one more time while Lawler crows about puppies later tonight.
Steve & D'Lo share a tender moment - I feel I'll see this ad one more time tonight
Austin and Undertaker highlight this Over the Edge promo - it's the 23rd and 1-800-COLLECT is the sponsor
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and WWF: the Music (Volume 3) - get it at Target!
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. TRIPLE H (with that Referee Chyna) - Chyna points to the stripes as if to say "Hey, look, I'm wearing stripes." Shamrock won't let Chyna check him out. Lawler: "I think all referees should dress like that!" Ross: "I wouldn't want to see Teddy Long in those shorts." Lockup, off the ropes, arm drag by Shamrock, into an arm bar, into an arm breaker, back to the arm bar. Fireman's carry takeover as H treies to squirm away. Shamrock still on him, arm wringer, eyepoke from Triple H, to the corner, punch blocked, Shamrock's rights hit. Into the armbreaker. Knee to the elbow. H grabs the ropes and Chyna asks for the break. Another stomp on his way up. Right hand from H, another. When did Shamrock move from Lodi to San Diego, anyway? Whip into the corner, Shamrock throws up an elbow, deep arm drag takeover, this resembles WRESTLING, doesn't it? How about that? Still working the armbar, grabbing the chin with the other arm. Triple H punches out. Off the ropes, back elbow by Shamrock knocks him down. Rights, off the rope, gut shot, punch, 'rana blocked and Triple H hits a powerbomb. Takes him to the corner, kicking, punching, stomping, oh oh Ross says "Helmsley" many times. No break here as Chyna appears to be staring at her nails instead of the offense in the Corner. Whip into the opposite corner, Shamrock hitting with his chest. As he comes out, H comes off the ropes with a lariat. Cover, quick count - but only 2. Several rights. Time for some KNEE offense, right? No, another punch. Off the ropes, head down - Shamrock manages a sunset flip - now in a leg breaker...Chyna rakes the face! Triple H takes him off the ropes and into the high knee (THERE it is!) - Chyna covers her eyes as Triple H spreads the legs, then drops the knee in a sensitive area. Head to the turnbuckle. Right hand, right, right, right, right, right, crowd tries to come alive for Shamrock. Whip into the opposite corner - but Shamrock catches Triple H as he rushes him and hits a powerslam. Chyna fails to put on the 10 count. Both men up. Shamrock with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Lotsa punches - off the ropes - back elbow. Off the ropes again - leg lariat. Cover - but no count. Shamrock asks what's up - and Triple H attacks from behind. Whip, reverse, charge, boot up. Gutshot, Pedigree coming up - no, Shamrock with the double leg takedown - anklelock! Trying to reach the ropes - can't quite get there - Chyna walks over and pulls the rope to his outstretched hand, then calls for the break. But Shamrock won't let go - 1, 2, 3...Chyna with a chokehold on Shamrock to try to break it up. Shamrock breaks it and turns to face her. He's got her in a waistlock! But before we see the suplex Triple H is on him from behind with a punch to the back of the head. Right, right is blocked, Shamrock hits one, but Chyna hits the Golotta from behind. Pedigree. Chyna with the normal cadence - 1, 2, 3. (7:34) Lawler makes the "Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!" joke.
Split screen shows Undertaker - and the Big Show - and - oh my God - they're - they're - WALKING!
The FRAM Sure Grip of the Week (the what?) is the Big Show's grip on the 2x4 that demolishes every window in one of the Corporate Ministry's limousine.
I guess FRAM is one of those sponsors that forgot to talk to Time/Warner before signing on with the King of Cable...
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) - I can't BELIEVE they're giving this match away for free. I must be smelling screwjob! Let Us Take You Back to last week, where the Big Show tried to rescue Stephanie, only to eat a bat shot from the Undertaker. Undertaker quickly on him with punches to start - referee "Blind" Tim White tries to get him to break in the corner, but Undertaker makes a threatening menace - when he turns around - Big Show's got him in a double choke - setting him down in the corner, Undertaker ducks and goes back to the right hands. Headbutts. Undertaker again stalks the ref, who hightails it. Undertaker goes for a splash but he's caught - big bearhug. Undertaker crumples in the bearhug - but claps the bell to get out of it - off the ropes - runs into the big boot! Clothesline takes Undertaker outside the ring. Paul Bearer has some chloroform ready, but Undertaker grabs it and douses his elbowpad with it. He's bleeding from his beard! Brought back in - big forearm, off the ropes, duck, sleep applied, Big Show smelling the "ether" although the ref can't, apparently. Down on one knee. But no! Snapmare! Bearer fishes under the ring and finds a baseball bat. Hey, that can't be legal! Bat TO THE HEAD. Somehow, White notices this and calls for the bell. (DQ 2:45) Damn, I mean, that couldn't have been a real bat but it STILL looks damn impressive. Big Show dutifully blades. Undertaker stands over him and says "This - this is MY show!" Choke, punches, stompin'. That's quite a cut there. Too bad Mankind didn't find that bat earlier...but wow.
Here's Debra in her "evening gown" - she's - she's WALKING! Lawler is already annoying me enough to consider climbing a clock tower.
Hey, there's Austin and D'Lo talkin' collect calling!
And oh yeah, Happy Hour is NEXT!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - the good thing about this bat shot is I can't figure out how they done it. "During the Break" footage shows us the Big Show staggering back up the ramp, bruised and bloodied.
DE-BRA v. (THE LOVELY) SABLE in an Evening Gown match - anybody actually SEEN Sable lately? I still think we don't have this match. The music plays - and no one shows up. On the TitanTron, Sable appears, and says that she's out at Hef's mansion preparing for her second Playboy shoot and can't compete tonight. But don't worry, "like all Hollywood divas, Sable has a stunt double who will be filling in for me tonight." I'll bet you figured it out that it's NICOLE BASS before she came out, right? Why's Ross keep calling him "the teflon King?" Well, Debra doesn't want any part of this, so she just removes her dress (about :12) and that's that. Now she's posing for the crowd. Bass grabs Debra anyway. Now JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a guitar to save his manager - WAFFLED her. VAL VENIS is out? God knows why he'd help Nicole Bass but he takes Jarrett out of the ring. Ohhhhh...he did it for DEBRA apparently. He grabs her and carries her out honeymoon style. Jarrett comes to and chases after them.
Split screen shows the Rock and Steve Austin - Oh God - they're - WALKING! Hey, this is the first time we've seen Rock tonight...and the first time we've seen Austin not in a flashback or commercial...just thought that was interesting enough to mention. Eh.
The USA update is apparently in the final ad break from now on...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where a dress is removed, a guitar is kabonged, a wrestlin' pornstar comes to Bass' aid and walks off with Debra. "During the Break" footage shows Jarrett catching up with Venis and bouncing him off various set items. Dave Hebner and Mike Chioda try pretty hard to break it up.
THE ROCK v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in a lumberjack match - By my watch, about six minutes left in this show. I wonder if we'll actually get a match here? Have I mentioned lately that Austin is over? The lumberjacks enter third. As the opening bell sounds, Rock and Austin don't actually tie up, as the lumberjacks try to rush the combatants. And since there's about ten of them and two of them, you figure eventually the numbers will be in their favour. And you'd be right. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has no choice but to call off the match (No contest :22) as SKIPPY makes his way down the ramp with sneer affixed to his face. It's a MASSIVE ATTACK! But up on the ramp appears VINCENT K., who sends the REST OF THE LOCKER ROOM into the ring - it's on. Everybody pretty much clears out except Triple H and the Undertaker who are having their way with the ROck. Chyna getting in a shot as well. We're still on this shot - but now Austin's re-emerged from the Brood's elevator, and he's on the Undertaker! ROck and Triple H are brawling and now Undertaker and Austin are back on the elevator, which descends through the stage. Triple H and Chyna are back in control of the Rock - whoops, spoke too soon. Must be the "Rocky" chants. Rock strikes Chyna! But Triple H has one of the big cop lights - big shot on Rock, who falls off the stage - Austin is back and on Triple H - but now Undertaker is back. Down goes Austin - he's gonna throw AUSTIN off the stage! Austin goes through some tables and doesn't move once he hits. We see Rock and Austin, both lying amongst table remains. Undertaker, Triple H and Chyna pose at the top of the stage as their new theme plays...out!
9 matches, 28:27.
I'll be late next week. Starting right now - it's vacation time, baby! And I've EARNED it!