/10 May 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
Rest in peace, Dana Plato. Rest in peace, Shel Silverstein. Hey Uncle
Shelby, you leave that nice Dana alone!
KINGS WIN! KINGS WIN! KINGS WIN!
Listen I LOVE New York, but it ain't California. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Oh yeah, *NEVER* fly America West. EVER.
I'm jet lagged, tired, tired, late, put up with cancellations and delays, tired, and tired. But there's two hours of wrestling that I simply MUST get to. And get to it I shall. But first let me thank the NBA for pre-empting Nitro at just the right time for me. Thank you, NBA! Can you do it next week too? Maybe the week after? That's a sport.
Oh, wait, I have to say this first. As I WAS in the Big Apple for my vacation, I had occasion to attend the WFMU vinyl fair. There was an alleged "wrestler" there providing some alleged "entertainment," which seemed to consist solely of him shouting and then getting various attendees to hit him in the back with a chair. There was also a point to my bringing this up, but it completely escapes me for the moment.
A couple people looked at me funny on the 1 train one night - I *almost* wondered if maybe I'd been recognised. Then I realised that they were just a couple of New Yawkers that had LOST THEIR MINDS and were staring at me for no apparent reason. I'm used to a different type of insanity over here in Silicon Valley and wasn't on that wavelength. Or maybe they just liked my hair - I don't know. There was also a point to my bringing THIS up, but it also completely escapes me.
America West SUCKS. Have I hammered this point home?
THE WORST AIRLINE IN AMERICA. AMERICA FUCKING WEST.
Any airline using "Airbus" planes should have shot up a red flag for me in the first place...
I also failed to hook up with Hyatte when I figured out that it was just a little bit more than a brisk walk from where I was to where he was. Too bad too, as he'd promised to spring for the first case of Lucky Lager as long as I helped him out if he got a particularly complex rebus 'neath the bottle cap that needed some explaining...but I digress. Next time, kiddo!
I *will* say that I see the appeal in putting off writing a recap until Thursday...but I don't think I can get used to doing it EVERY week. (Lucky for you AND me, I suppose.)
I've blown off a few hundred emails - I'd feel bad about this, but I TOLD you I wasn't gonna be around and you wrote me anyway. Please don't take it personally if you were DYING for a response and didn't get one - you can write again if you want, but it's possible I'll make fun of you and tell you to get a life. Then you can turn on me and say something clever like "Pot, kettle, black." Gay fun will be had by all!
Speaking of gay fun, let's TURN THIS MUTHA OUT already.
No, wait, I think a cup of coffee first.
How can you tell I've spent a week in New York?
I have the deep bruises to show for it!
If you're saying "Hey, that wasn't funny," that's because it's TRUE, not FUNNY!
You know who's REALLY in a bind? All those "mirror" sites that are still frantically clicking on WrestleManiacs every five minutes wondering when this thing is going to be put up so they can repackage it for THEIR site! Hahahahahahahahahaha
Right about now, Rick's seriously reconsidering his promise to never edit for content
Oh yeah, thanks one more time to Bob Morris
And John Latham
If this is your first week reading my writing, you've picked a bad week. Well, we'll see how the actual show report goes...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Last Week, some TV-14-DLV clips happened. Austin and Rock did NOT fight in the main event, as the Corporate lumberjacks got up to no good, followed soon thereafter by the Union, the rest of the locker room, and - oh my - there go Rock and Austin tumblin' off the stage.
Gimme that LIVE shot backstage of the Corporate Ministry - they're - oh my GOD - they're WALKING!
Here's another shot from somewhere else - there's Vince McMahon, the Union, some riot squad cops - 2x4s in hand - they're - SWEET JESUS - they're ALSO WALKING!
Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A THAW IN YOUR ICE!
FIREWORKS ARE LIVE from the Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-rena in Orlando, FL 10.5.99 - it's WWF RAW IS WAR! Broadcast on USA & TSN, closed captioned for the hearing impaired (eh?) and en espanol donde sea disponible (con Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich)! Your unseen hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide commentary.
And tonight's opening interview is provided by - THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE??? Let us take you back to last night as Kane spent most of Heat lumbering in the general direction of Mr. Ass but never quite catching up to him. You don't suppose the man's gonna talk do you? No, guess not. You mean it's a MATCH? A MATCH to open the show? That's it, they're just COASTING with no Nitro on tonight.
THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN - Gunn is stopped just short of the ring by A COMELY YOUNG LASS clad in suitably slutty pink plastic mini and long blonde hair - I think I heard one of the voices in my head whisper "plant, plant" as she's dragged off by THAT ONE SECURITY DUDE. Kane takes advantage of the (ahem) distraction to get in some licks before the match starts. Thrown in the ring, we start proper. Throat chop, repeat. Right hand uppercut. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, boot not. Kane picking up Gunn and ramming his head into the turnbuckle. GUNN FLOP! Off the ropes again, Gunn grabs on and lets himself out - he's walking away but Kane's following up the ramp. Kane grabbing him by the hair and bringing him back in the hard way. Laid across the top rope, forearm to the chest. Inverted suplex in (neet) and Gunn flops like a dead fish. Another throat shot. Gunn's done NIL tonight. Another shot from Kane. Ross is talking about Linda McMahon just for kicks. Headbutt from Kane. Audience is loving the fact that they're on camera. Gunn FINALLY manages a dropkick to the knees, there's another. Right hands as Kane is on one knee - repeated jabs cut short when Kane grabs him by the throat and tosses him into the corner. Wailing away - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner admonishes him to open up the hand, and when Kane turns to face him, Gunn manages to clip from behind. Now kicking the back of the knee, Kane absorbs it then clotheslines Gunn out of the ring. Gunn grabs the leg and pulls Kane to the apron, then wrenches it on the corner of the apron - trying again, Kane kicks him to the barricade - Gunn bounces back into another kick. Kane outside now. Head to the STEEL steps and Gunn falls back to the floor. Getting back in the ring - that's not hardcore! Gunn manages a dropkick as Kane works his leg between the ropes, so that he falls backward and ties up his right shin. Gunn quickly goes outside and wails away, taking advantage. But now X-PAC and ROAD DOGG are out because, dammit, it's the RIGHT thing to do. X-Pac tries to free his partner while the Ex-Outlaws tussle in the ring. Dogg stops to dance, allowing Gunn to step outside, now Dogg follows and they're over the barricade and battling out of camera's sight. I guess I should mention that Dogg's in socks, T-shirt and decidedly UNfunky denim shorts. And he's REEEEEEEALLY white - no wonder he covers up them legs. Hebner randomly calls for the bell, FINALLY (no contest? 5:10) and now, just for fun, D'LO BROWN & MIZARK HENRY (with IVORY) come out to wreak some havoc on the Tag Team Champions, as they are battling them at the upcoming pay per view. Ivory seems to have eschewed her scarf in favour of holding Henry's Biggie Smalls suit jacket. Oh yeah, they're in their civvies as well - nice sandals D'Lo! "D'Lo sucks" chant must mean I just witnessed a heel turn?
Backstage, there's the riot squadron, the Union, Vince McMahon - and - ohhhhh - they're STILL WALKING!
The Corporation, in some other hallway - ahhhhh - they're ALSO STILL WALKING! Ooooooohhhhhh aaaaahhhhhhhh eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my heart, my heart
Exterior of the Orlando Arena - Interior of special guest MONICA SELES. I'd like to get into the interior of Monica Seles - oh sorry
Coming out to a theme that immediately reminds me of the Nation of Domination, UNION walk to the ring. It's a common rule of professional wrestling that whenever you see riot-clad folks, chances are that there's a bad guy under one of those masks. Big Show kinda does a "yeah aahchokeslam okay" hand motion which is hilarious in it's halfheartedness. Vince tells Shane that his family will never lend him support again. He should look to the Union label (ha ha - get it?) and if he's got any guts at all, he'll come out and talk to 'em right now! Sure enough, the CORPORATE MINISTRY is happy to appear at the top of the ramp. Before Shane can talk, the "asshole" chant fires up. Shane promises that HIS family - the Corporate Ministry - will take care of business 'round here and it's time to bust some heads. Before the Ministry can advance, the lights dim and a familiar voice rings out over the TitanTron - why, yes, there's COMMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS out to ruin the storylines with his meddling ways! Shawn says he has some changes to announce - first of all, the Over the Edge title match between Steve Austin and Undertaker - well, not only will Shane McMahon be a special guest referee, but he's adding Vince McMahon as a second special guest referee. As for tonight's show - Michaels announces a lumberjack match - Faarooq v. Bradshaw with the Union as the lumberjacks. Nighstick on a pole match? Test vs. Bossman? Check. How about a return match? Brisco & Patterson vs. the Mean Street Posse - but THIS time lose leaves town! Michaels also announces a Ken Shamrock vs. ... Chyna match because he's a pervert. And finally, Big Show vs. ... Paul Bearer! Any interference from the Ministry will result in Undertaker losing his title shot. Michaels also makes a Hardcore handicap match - Midian & Viscera vs. "for one night only - your favourite and mine - Cactus Jack." Huh? And Michaels announces a WWF Women's title match - Sable vs. Deborah in an evening gown match - yeah, right. If Sable doesn't show up tonight, she'll be stripped of the title. And FINALLY, the main event - a big six-man between Undertaker, Triple H & Shane McMahon vs. Rock, Steve Austin & Vince McMahon. AND FINALLY FINALLY - a special guest referee for this match - anybody got it figured out who it's gonna be? Well, before we get to that, Michaels urges the riot cops to unmask - turns out it's Patterson, Brisco, and .... Michaels himself. Well, now we know why it sounded like it was taped beforehand. Michaels announces the obvious - that HE'S gonna be that special referee. Vince digs it. Again we've got 90 minutes (and the overrun) for eight matches - good luck, WWF!
I guess we can now safely assume they're NOT coasting in their exclusive week. Good for them.
Local cable ad shows that WCW "It's Out There" promo that I've been hearing about - see, it's GOOD to go watch RAW in other cities!
Dok Hendrix, in another local ad, hypes Sunday Night Heat LIVE at the Nassau Coliseum 6 June! Austin and Rock appearances hyped.
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT. Undertaker's baseball bat - sorry, CLUB - shot on the Big Show.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. PAUL BEARER - now THAT'S a chokeslam hand signal! No music - and no Paul Bearer. Big Show doing jumping jacks in the ring. Bearer appears at the top of the ramp and gives the "Nonono" head bob - but COMMISSIONER MICHAELS, back in flak, pushes Bearer down the ramp in comedic fashion and rolls him into the ring. Michaels joins the commentary team as we see Bearer plead for his life, saying "I'm not a rassler!" Big boot from the Big Show. Big elbowdrop. Grabbing the mic. "Excuse me, Commissioner Michaels, sir, I wonder if maybe we could waive that little stipulation and just let that long legged tattoed dead man walk his ass down here and get it capped!" Michaels says okay as we look in the ring and see Bearer lay like a slug. BONG... well here's THE UNDERTAKER. You really think we're gonna get this confrontation for free? Undertaker stops at the bottom of the ramp and does his eyeball trick. Big Show says bring it on, then comes off the rope with another elbowdrop for Paul Bearer. Whoops, here's the rest of the CORPORATE MINISTRY to gang up on him, proving that Big Show is kinda not bright. Fortunately, UNION is out, 2x4's in tow, to put a stop to all this foolishness. "Theme from Big Show" plays... (three minutes or so)
Backstage, Debra - WALKS!
Good Lord, Sable showed up tonight! And she and Nicole Bass are - ahhh - WALKING!
Stone Cold and D'Lo talk about their phone sex during a match - by using 1-800-COLLECT, you can afford the GOOD condoms!
Here's some clips from "Nash Bridges," the season finale of which airs Friday - oh by the way, Steve Austin is your special guest star. Looks like lots of fight scenes (more action than RAW? You decide)
1-800-COLLECT presents WWF Over the Edge - Sunday, 23 May! Save a buck or two (well, not on the pay-per-view)
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. DE-BRA in an Evening Gown match for the World Women's Title - Ummm, I HARDLY think Sable's wearing a "gown." By the way, these two aren't wrestlers and I'm OUTRAGED that this is a title match. Now, let's see some tits! "This is for all the women who want to be me - and for all the men who comes to see me! Are you boys ready for the Grind? I can't hear you!" And then Sable - ummm - let's say "allegedly dances" and leave it at that. She DOES flash the ass just for grins. As the opening bell sounds, VAL VENIS comes out - no doubt to decry the lack of ability amongst the participants, heh heh heh. Debra and Val lock eyes - and Sable promptly removes Debra's gown to retain the title (:50). "Bra and panties! Bra and panties!" Nicole leaves the ring to stalk Val, who backs off - and into JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - more specifically, his gee-tar. Nicole takes umbrage (I think), but we're back in the ring. MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! But before he can interview Sable, Michaels is back in the ring. "First of all, step off, MISTER." Hey, that's no way to treat a lady! Michaels says he sees an evening gown match a little bit different than Sable does. Michaels says "puppies" to stoke Lawler's fire, then says something about puppies we haven't seen yet - well, long story short...to Michaels, the winner of an evening gown match is the one who shows off the goods first, so he awards the title to Debra. Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Women's Champion. Who can't wrestle.
Split screen shows Rock, McMahon, and Austin. If Vince gulps for dramatic effect, take a drink!
Another WCW promo in the local slot. Smart marketing if you can swing it...
Backstage, Shane, Triple H and Undertaker powwow. Get it? The Corporate members are TOGETHER! And the other guys are SEPARATE! Aww who cares.
TEST (with 2x4) v. BIG BOSSMAN in a Coal Miner's Nightstick match - aww, travel back in time with me to the SummerSlam we thought we'd never see as Bossman and Nailz locked in mortal kombat - let us take you back to last week as Test overcame the odds to win a four corners match. That's a rather rabid "Bossman sucks" chant, isn't it? It takes Test all of a minute to go for the stick, and Bossman pulls the tights because you can't show enough bare asses on television these days. Fortunately, when BOSSMAN goes for the stick, Test can't pull HIS pants down. Crowd is again so into this match that they have to stand every time they see themselves on the TitanTron. Test going for the nightstick, Bossman with the crotch shot. Test tied to the Tree of Woe! Well, back and forth we go with random nondescript action - now we're out of the ring for no good reason - and now we're back in. Arm, thankfully, falls only twice, 'cause if it fell thrice we wouldn't get to see that nightstick be used! Collision in the ring and both men are down. Bossman up first, and climbing the pole - Test under him - piggyback drop! Test up first now - and trying to get that nightstick. I LOVE these long, boring matches. HE'S GOT THE NIGHTSTICK! Oh, wait, Bossman has an international object of some sort and he's waffled Test with it. Bossman grabs the nightstick - Test tries a Sunset flip - but Bossman sticks him in the head and drops him. Big sit - 1, 2, 3, thank God. (7:03) I'm sure the replay will show us whatever that object was. Looked like a steel somethingorother - replay.
Backstage, hey! It's Cactus Jack! And - and - and - he's - he's - WALKING! Stopping along the way to pick up a couple basketballs.
Michael King Cole is backstage with Val Venis. He's got a bone to pick with Jeff Jarrett. He's thinking Debra's all up in his stuff when deep down she's all into the Big Valbowski. Did he say that? Venis wants Jarrett tonight, and he'll show him that the Gee-tar Shot can NEVER match up to the Money Shot! Are you kidding me? There's no TIME for all these matches!
FRAM brings you RAW is WAR! So does Chef Boyardee! AND Castrol Motor Oily!
MIDIAN & VISCERA (with garbage can, cookie sheet, RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. CACTUS JACK (with basketballs) in a Hardcore Rules Handicap Match - Midian rushes up the ramp and gets met with a basketball to the nuts. Jack picks up the conveniently dropped cookie tin and bashes both men with it. Nice "Foley" chant. Midian whipped into the STEEL steps, Viscera whipped into Midian. Jack with a forward somersault off the apron into Midian and a "bang bang!" Turning around and into a belly-to-belly suplex (wow!) from Viscera. Midian stomps and punches. Everybody in the ring (huh?) and here's a whip - low bridge with the chair. Chair now laid across the face and there's a double elbowdrop (they ALMOST connect!) for 2. Midian holds Jack and Viscera chairs him in the back. Midian kicks and Jack goes through the ropes. Midian follows with the chair. CHAIR TO THE HEAD! I thought he wasn't gonna take those for a while. Yow. Midian rolls Jack in where Viscera is waiting - and standing on him. 1-800-COLLECT provides the Double Feature. Choke on the second rope with a sizable amount of pressure from the devious duo. Off the ropes - somehow Jack manages a double DDT! All three men down, referee "Blind" Teddy Long puts on the count - Jack is up first! And he's got the garbage can! Can to Midian! Can to Viscera! Can put over Midian's head - Jack gets a chair and whacks the can with it. Viscera clotheslines him, though. Viscera grabs the chair, hits Jack's back, then throws the can at him for good measure. Another Double Feature. Viscera and Jack on the apron - Jack's head to the buckle, Jack's trick knee acts up and crotches Viscera, who falls backwards to the floor. Jack takes the chair and lets fly from the apron to the floor. Cover - 1, 2, 3! (4:35) "One night only - Cactus Jack! He came, he saw, he kicked some ass!" We linger on some guy collecting the basketballs...umm, okay.
Backstage, Michael King Cole attempts to interview Chyna. Chyna says that every twenty-eight days she gets a little bit moody, and yesterday just happened to be 27. Tonight the balls are in her court - she might just rip 'em off and step on 'em. Golly, her face looks different, doesn't it? I'm not saying good or bad, I'm just saying is all...
WCW - these promos are Out There
MY GOD! A STEVE BLACKMAN VIGNETTE! HE MOST CERTAINLY IS A LETHAL WEAPON! You don't suppose that's what Jim Ross was building up in his Ross Report a while back, do you? Naahh..they must be holding out on me!
ACOLYTE BRADSHAW v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ in a lumberjack match - yeah, they both look THRILLED to be there, don't they? Ha! "We are the UNION - live and in colour - don't dis the man or we'll bum rush your mutha" - BIG SHOW, TEST, and KING KEN SHAMROCK and their 2x4's walk out. Faarooq gets mic time! "Whoa, hey - I know that punk-ass Shawn Michaels think he's gonna come out here and make me and my partner fight each other for you aMOOZment, naw I don't think so! Because you and I know if there WAS a match, who the winner would be, right partner?" And they - well, do they agree or not? "You don't think - hey, Faarooq, the last six months, every night I've proven I can outdrink you - don't make me beat your ass to prove I can outfight you!" "Well I'll be DAMNED." "It's real easy! We got a heck of a team! Don't make me ruin it by handing you your ass!" Faarooq tosses the mic. Battle lines drawn - oh, wait, they're gonna make up. Yeah right. Both men turn - then strike simultaneously! Ha! Faarooq gets a spear, and flails away with rights. MANKIND has finally decided to show up, having been absent for much of the past hour. Bradshaw puts a boot up. Off the ropes. Spinebuster from Faarooq! Faarooq throws Bradshaw out and Mankind and Shamrock get their licks in on him - Bradshaw back in and lookint to the lumberjacks - so Faarooq knees him in the back, sending him out again, where all FOUR lumberjacks strike - then roll him in. Faarooq with a right, whip into the opposite corner, but Bradshaw fires back with a clothesline on his way back. Bradshaw throws Faarooq out, but Mankind throws him in. Bradshaw tosses him again. This time Shamrock gets some shots on him before the Big Show rolls him in. Big-time powerbomb from Bradshaw. 1, 2, shoulder rolled. Bradshaw goes outside - to the top rope - Faarooq turns around the splash into a powerslam but amazingly only gets 2. Right hands from Faarooq - both men go over the top rope - and both men are rolled back in thanks to the Union. Now trading blows. The crowd is bored but I'm kinda digging this match. MIDIAN & VISCERA are now out to separate their stablemates, but the Acolytes try to take THEM out. BIG BOSSMAN has also joined the fray. They manage to separate the Acolytes. The crowd is chanting "fight! fight!" Just when it looks like an uneasy peaces is made, the Union rushes the ring. The Corporate Ministry scatters - except Viscera, who ends up surrounded by men and 2x4's. Crowd goes nuts and Union puts several dents in Viscera's ample backside. "Theme from Union of Domination" plays and Viscera makes unhappy faces.
Backstage, we see Patterson and Brisco comparing fallen foes - Brisco boasts of beating Race and Rhodes, Patterson chooses Stevens and Bockwinkle. Brisco does a Flair-esque WOOOO just to remind us how old he is. I leave it to you to decide who "he" refers to in the previous sentence.
Austin Rattlesnake T-Shirt - Austin King of Snakefighting fighting with snake snake snake fighting is very dangerous people with rolled up news newspaper snake
MEAN STREET POSSE v. GERALD BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON in a Loser Leaves the WWF match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and show you the EPIC battle between these four stalwart warriors. Eh. Are you kidding me? The old-timers come out to Derringer's "Real American." Cop shirts are ripped away to reveal a Brisco Bros. Body Shop T (Brisco) and a "1st IC Champ" T (Patterson). Damned if all this Hogan mannerism shtick isn't funny as hell, too. Rodney and Pete, sufficiently aroused, leave the ring to strike before the opening bell. Rodney with a slam of Patterson - Patterson rammed into the STEEL ringpost! Meanwhile, Pete "Gas" doing well enough with Brisco in the ring. Rodney joining him - but Brisco punching back - he's got some hands of stone there! But it's two young men on one old man, right? Lookit Brisco sneak a fireman's carry in there, he's OLD SCHOOL, BABY! Brisco resorts to nutshots to gain a brief respite, but Pete manages a scoop and a slam. Rodney legdrop. They pick him up - off the ropes, double clothesline. Where's Patterson? Both men stomping away. Now they roll him over - Pete removes his belt and it's whuppin' time. No, wait, Patterson in with the crash helmet - whack on Pete! Right hand to Rodney! Both men in opposite corners - whip into each other! Vertical suplex from Brisco on Pete "Gas!" Patterson has Rodney on the top ropes - only he kinda slips to the canvas (oops - ouch!) but he's quickly back in 'cause it's time to end this already. FIGURE FOUR FROM BRISCO! BOSTON CRAB FROM PATTERSON! SIMULTANEOUS TAPOUT! VAYA CON DIOS, MEAN STREET POSSE! (In Modesto, we say "strictly for the" 2:09) Patterson removes his shirt (both commentators: "Nonono! Don't do it!") and does a dead-on Hogan impersonation. Ross: "And he's single, fellas!" Say what you want - it entertained me.
A pair of Kings - Michael King Cole interviews King Ken Shamrock backstage. Shamrock says he was brought up to not hit a woman, so, gosh, I don't know...well, he'll know NEXT!
Dok Hendrix gets another chance to hype the upcoming LIVE Sunday Night Heat at the Nassau Coliseum 6 June! Tix start at thirteen bones! Can you beat that with a STICK?
WWF Over the Edge promo hypes Undertaker and Austin
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. VAL VENIS - Jarrett's Big Valbowski sounds more like the Big Bopper. Venis rushes the ring and still gets knocked off the apron to start - Jarrett slides out after but Venis hits the punches. Head to the barricade, repeated rights, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner decides to follow rather than count both men out. Head to the STEEL steps! Hung over the barricade again. Uppercut, again, Jarrett manages a thumb to the eye - he rushes Venis, but he drops and drops Jarrett on the barricade again. Big lariat. Piledriver attempt? Jarrett tries to fight out, and second time's a charm with a back bodydrop. Crowd is more interested in "puppies" than the match, fuck 'em all! Especially Debra! Jarrett off the ropes - but his crotch seems to land on Val's knee. Powerslam from Venis for 2. Right hand, right, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, no, Venis stops and turns it into a wristlock, arm wringer, bum'n'grind thing. Jarrett ducks under, to the ropes, Venis catches him in a Perfectplex for 2 and a half (that move NEVER works!) Jarrett off the ropes with a kick - DDT which Venis sells as only he can. Off the ropes, reversal, head down, Jarrett with a swinging neckbreaker - Bossman straddle - Fargo strut! We see Debra smile in Val's direction as Jarrett throats him under the bottom rope. Outside, punch, back in, Venis comes back with punches. A whip is reversed and Venis hits the corner hard. Off the ropes, sleeper! Venis turns and shoves him off, Jarrett slides under, armbar takedown but only 2. Jarrett complains about the count. Crowd with the "We want puppies" chant again as Jarrett hits a scoop slam. To the top rope - cross body block actually HITS for 2! Jarrett complains again and Venis sneaks a rollup for 2. Venis ducks a punch and hits a rollup for 2. Off the ropes, Jarrett misses a dropkick, Val misses a big elbowdrop, Venis ducks a clothesline, both men collide in the center off the ropes and the count is on. Both men up - Venis with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Again, more punches, off the ropes, back elbow, off the ropes again, Venis hangs on to hit the knee, repeat, side Russian legsweep, bump'n'grind as Debra shows up on the apron. Jarrett hooks the arms and gets two as Debra unbuttons her top. Jarrett with a punch, Venis with a spinebuster. Val climbs to the top for the Money Shot but Debra's removed her jacket. Val climbs down and walks over to make out with Debra. Meanwhile, Jarrett has the women's title belt - Debra SLAPS Venis - and while Hebner talks over AARP benefits with Debra, Jarrett clocks Venis with the belt to score the pinfall once he turns back around. (8:02) Why, it was a SET UP ALL ALONG! AREN'T THEY DAMN CLEVER THOUGH?
Split screen of Shamrock and Chyna - separately - together - simultaneously - WALKING!
Hooray! Another moment with Beaver Cleavage! Double entendres are funny! Black and white and red all over!
THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Triple H) v. KING KEN SHAMROCK - Triple H's music was apparently too generic so they gave him some new music. Like Triple H, it's incredibly annoying, so I guess it serves its purpose. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where special guest referee Chyna interfered with a well placed punch to score Triple H the victory over Shamrock. Shamrock comes out in jeans this week - I guess he's not gonna wrestle tonight - at least that's what he's trying to tell referee "Blind" Tim White. Chyna with the shove to try to convince him otherwise. Shamrock tells Triple H to pull on his woman's leash, or something less sexist. Chyna with a slap. Shamrock says "fuck" a couple times, which I'm sure would have been muted if I'd watched this in California. Shamrock again points to Triple H, and Chyna unleashes a right. That's it! Shamrock grabs Chyna, but Triple H waffles him in the back of the head. Shamrock blocks a punch and hits one of his own. Chyna hits another right. Shamrock with a right to H as Chyna knocks over White. Belly-to-belly suplex on Chyna! This kinda pisses of Shamrock, who runs off hitting himself in the head. We get a good shot of Chyna sneering, then kicking the ropes.
Split screen again shows the Rock, Vince, and Austin, but THIS time - oh, God, THIS time - they're - they're - WALKING!
Somewhere else, we see Shawn Michaels - he's - ahhhhhh - WALKING! And he's hawking his wrestling academy by way of T-shirt.
Austin and Brown are all about the collect calling with the 1-800-COLLECT and the sensitivity and stuff
TRIPLE H & UNDERTAKER & SKIPPY (with That Slut Chyna) v. ROCK & STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN & VINCENT K. - The Special Guest Referee enters first, showing too much for my tastes, but probably driving the girls wild. Eww, his PACKAGE! HIS PACKAGE! Shane is attired in warmup suit. Damn, he's really developed a presence in under a year, hasn't he? Vince comes out first, to no music, then stands at the bottom of the ramp. As the Rock's music starts, Shane grabs his pops and rolls him in the ring while Triple H goes outside to meet the Rock. We completely miss a chokeslam from the Undertaker on Vince. Triple H and the Rock and fighting on the outside but there's a TOMBSTONE! from Undertaker on Vince. Shane pulling Vince out of the ring - Undertaker helping - and now - choke with the cable! Vince is outta here. Meanwhile, Rock has gotten the better of Triple H, and now he's waffled Shane with his cast - NOW we can have that Austin entrance, thank you very much. Austin and Undertaker meet on the bottom of the ramp - it's all Austin, all fists, now UNdertaker with a shot, now Austin going to kicking. Austin and Undertaker brawling - Austin with a cable choke. Triple H and Rock outside near the announcers. Rock whips Triple H into the steel steps. Vince is still out - I guess Shane is too, 'cause we haven't seen him lately. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is out for some reason. Meanwhile, in the ring Austin and Undertaker have made it back into the ring and that's where Michaels is focusing his reffin' energy. Crowd chanting "Rock-key!" Triple H hits a low blow on the Rock to take him out. Austin and Undertaker trading punches and kicks. Kick, Stunner attempt - Undertaker pushes Austin into Triple H - Pedigree attempt is countered - catapult into the corner! Undertaker clotheslines Austin out of the ring while Rock hits the Rock Bottom on Triple H! Undertaker prevents a count - got him in a choke - but Austin pulls Undertaker out of the ring. Meanwhile, Shane is up and he's got his father back in the ring. Everybody's out but the McMahon's now. Elbowdrop from Shane - off the ropes - big elbowdrop. Austin back in - kick, Stunner! He pushes Undertaker off the apron while Vince covers - 1, 2-- Austin pulls Vince off Shane. Kick, Stunner again, Austin covers - 1, 2, 3. (no opening bell - let's call it 4:50) Austin throws a beer to Michaels and they do the bit in the corner ropes with the beers as we see Vince hold his neck and look forlorn.
Ten matches in two hours? I could get spoiled with shows like that. How are they gonna kick it up a notch when they've got competition?