glen jones

I'm not gonna say ANYTHING about chair shots making for great radio and then sniggering. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not... Anyway, I wasn't implying any idiocy (okay, maybe I was - heh heh) but...what WAS my point? Hmmmm... I STILL can't remember! Just that I was trying to buy records and there was a lot of screaming going on behind me and wrestling was peripherally involved, and it filled a paragraph and there you go. I *did* receive a lovely WFMU "Loteria" bumper sticker which is proudly displayed at my place of work in California, confusing the masses as only a NYC public radio station bumper sticker, and the BOTTOM LINE is Glen's on the radio and I ain't, so he wins EVERY time.

I *promise* to get back into a regiment of personal email replies, starting RIGHT NOW. Vacation's over, baby! OKAY!

On with the show.

Oh, but first - WHY did Stockton's j have to drop at the end of Game 4? And WHY couldn't Vlade's hook hit at the end of Game 5? And WHY am I feeling like I'm getting suckered back into a season ticket plan for the Sacramento Kings despite a 3 hour drive from Santa Clara to the Arco Arena? The NBA is FAN-tastic!

Any other year I'd root for the Jazz....this year, though - sigh.

God, the Knicks fans struttin' around like they own the league, though - I'll be welcoming you to MY world sooner rather than later, bet. You think the Kings were lucky? Ha!

On to a REAL MAN'S SPORT...

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

TV-14-DLV ratings box

Opening Credits?!? What the HELL am I gonna do if they don't tell me what happened last week?

FIREWORKS! Welcomening everyone to the Unnamed Arena in Ft. Lauderdale, FL 17.5.99 for WWF RAW IS WAR! (Taped 11.5) This great big show, broadcast on the USA Network and probably also TSN, is closed captioned for the hearing impaired (eh?) and en espanol donde sea disponible (cortesia Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich - hey remind me to talk about Los SuperAstros later in this report) - and - GOOD GOD! A MATCH...

D-GENERATION X & THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN & D'LO BROWN & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT (with Ivory and her great big purple hanky) - DX now being Road Dogg and X-Pac, yup. Lawler calls Kane "Brimstone Breath." "If you ain't down with this gleesome threesome, then I got just two words for ya!" says Dogg. "Suck it!" says the crowd. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as Kane gets tied up in the ropes, causing a big beatdown from Gunn, causing a big run-in from what was left of DX. How come they still call Mr. Ass "Billy Gunn" and Sexual Chocolate "Mark Henry," but then CAN'T call Road Dogg "Jesse James?" These are things that I lie awake at night (morning) wondering about. Is it true that one of the lines in that "Ass Man" theme is "I love to floss 'em?" I don't EVEN know what that means! "D'Lo sucks!" chant - how fast did this crowd turn on that guy? Henry and James--err, Dogg start. Dogg ducks and hits some rights - whip attempt doesn't work and Henry hits a massive lariat, then takes him to the mat. Tag to Gunn, who is ALL over his former partner. Right, right, right, right. Pick him up - right! HE'S THE BEST PUNCHER IN THE BUSINESS, FOLKS! Crotch chop for Kane, and when he turns around, Dogg is getting in some punches - but Gunn reverses a whip and hits a powerslam. 1-800-COLLECT quicklky provides a double feature (for a POWERSLAM?) - tag to Brown. Scoop and a slam - standing legdrop - badmouth. Right hand. Either Brown's a heat magnet or this chant is dubbed in. Elbowdrop misses and there's a tag to X-Pac. Kick, punch, arm wringer, eyepoke from Brown. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, "who the hell do you think you are?" X-Pac catches him off the ropes, flippy flippy, spinning heel kick, off the ropes again, duck, Gunn hits from behind, nice dropkick from Brown. Head to the buckle, right hands, tag - no, Kane's in and beating up Brown. Meanwhile, Gunn and Henry work over X-Pac - military press slam from Gunn. Tag to Brown - open shot to the ribs. Right, scoop slam. Brown to the second rope - legdrop only finds canvas. X-Pac crawls to his corner as Brown tags Gunn - Gunn grabs the foot - but X-Pac leans into the Road Dogg. He's a house afire! Big back bodydrop! Off the ropes, duck, Dogg with the goofy lefts, breakdancing, a right, a right for the partners on the outside, wiggly wobbly wankerly kneedrop, cover - but Brown is in and Dogg saw him. Brown ducks and there's a Brownbomb. X-Pac is in and there's the X-Factor on Brown. Now Gunn tries to break it up, but Kane's in - all six men in. HUGE avalanche splash on X-Pac by Henry. Kane's got Henry when he turns around - choke - Brown is on him - DOUBLE CHOKE - but he's run out of hands and Gunn breaks it up. Katie, bar that door - too late - everybody spills out of the ring and it's on. Gunn and Dogg - Henry and Kane - Brown and X-Pac - every is outside, up the ramp, away from the ring, and I'm thinking sextuple countout but the bell never comes. Let's call it (no contest 6:00+) as

"Theme from CORPORATE MINISTRY" plays as a familiar set of figures appears at the top of the ramp and makes their way to the ring. Actually, we've only got Shane, the Acolytes, Midian and Bossman tonight... "Tonight is the eve of Armageddon for the Corporate Ministry! Tonight we will annihilate ALL in our path! You see, it's funny how fate plays such a big part in life - and to the members of the Union - Big Show, Test, Ken Shamrock and Mankind - it was fate this evening that incapacitated your car. However, your arrival here tonight was delayed for good reason. YOu see, the Corporate Ministry has three people in mind on its hitlist this evening, and it starts with Number One, Vince McMahon. Vince, I told you to stay out of my business, I told you to stay away from me. So tonight, Vince, you better lock the door because the Corporate Ministry is coming for ya. Vince - you're gonna start to feel the BANG!" No, wait, he said feel the PAIN, sorry.

We cut to Vince's office in the back where the Three Musketeers look unhappy. Brisco: "Vince Mac Mahon, the Union's not here yet. What are we gonna do?" Vince: "All we can do is the best we CAN do - prepare for the worst." Patterson and Brisco commence to furniture moving - barricading the door. Oh NO, they're keeping that nice cameraman from escaping!

Steve Austin and D'Lo Brown have a lover's spat over calling collect.

Backstage, we take a look at the Corporate Ministry, who are - ahhhhhhohmyGod.... they're - they're - WALKING!!!

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER, who provide commentary. Tonight, Steve Austin takes on Triple H! Listen to Ross say "Smooth technical style" when referring to Triple H - and keep a straight face!

Hey, SHAME on you if you thought there was a Bells Palsy joke in that last paragraph! What's WRONG with you people?

Shane knocks on the door, but Vince won't let him in. Viscera is directed to kick down the door.

In the office, Vince says the barricade will have to suffice. In another camera angle, Patterson asks Vince to check out the closet - there must be something more they can use - cut back to Vince, who opens the closet door - and finds the Undertaker! Triple H and Chyna rush Patterson and Brisco while Undertaker puts Vince in a choke - the lights go out and we quickly go to another ad break.

THAT was kind of a short segment...ah well

It's good to be back home, where I can see ads for ALL-PRO WRESTLING at the Silver Creek High School Gym! It's "too HOT to handle" Saturday night, 22 May - bell time is 1930 and if you can't make it to the high school to get tickets, you can call BASS! "Gigolo" Vinny Massarro gets his shot at the APW title to headline seven big matches! APW fever - catch it! (Disclaimer: I may shill, but I STILL ain't attending!)

Vince is wheeled off on a stretcher - the Yes Men look quite disheveled, but they're still WALKING! Vince is loaded into an ambulance as we see Moments Ago highlights.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) & BLUE BLAZER v. VAL VENIS & GODFATHER (with twelve - no, six ho's) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Commissioner Michaels worked some magic and transported the Women's Title from Sable to Debra. I love me some "Theme from Blue Blazer." Ross is quick to beat us over the head about how evil and dastardly Shane is for perpetrating such a hideous act 'pon his own father, then quickly switches to exciting news of the Union's arrival at the arena. Val gets the mic and welcomes us to the Pleasuredome - a magical land where he's not really bald. I'm thinking that sometimes it's NOT a good idea to let 'em swing freely - in particular, for that one ho. Ross somehow manages to impart news during all this - Sunday Godfather takes on the Blue Blazer for the Intercontinental title; and, in a mixed title match, Val Venis and Nicole Bass team up to take on Jarrett and Debra. How DARE they call Blazer "nerdy!" "Puppies" is now my LEAST favourite word in the English language. Fast forward to about three minutes in where I decide to start calling this match - after the ho train splash, Jarrett's up in the pimp drop, but Blazer hits a clip to break that up. Jarrett tags and there's a top rop missile dropkick on the Godfather. 1, 2, kickout. Here's NICOLE BASS come out to keep me from calling moves. Plancha for 2. Nicole and Debra exchange pleasantries - meanwhile, Jarrett's knocked off the apron to the floor when Blazer is whipped into him - Godfather catches Blazer into the Spicolli Driver - 1, 2, 3. (3:56)

Hey, look, the Rock's pacing around in a locker room! Wow!

Sir Robert Sperry shows off his trophies - including Mankind and his Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli.

Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building! And....and....he's....oh my God...he's....WALKING!

MEAT (with PMS 6) v. TEST - Jerry Lawler promises to reveal a PMS secret tonight as We Are Taken Back to last night's Heat where Ryan Shamrock became the newest PMS, distracting Droz and ensuring a loss in his tag team match with Prince Albert against Gangrel and Christian. Lawler proclaims Meat "hard to beat," then goes on about his feet. Lawler - me he can eat, his commentary is far from elite, nor is it neat, in his mush I'd like to bury a cleat, his ass my foot prepare to greet, wheee rhyming IS fun. This is Meat's RAW debut, is it not? Wrestling anyway... Meat turns his back to pose for the ladies - Test spins him around and flattens him. Off the ropes, back elbow. Off the ropes again, reverse, duck, clothesline from Test. Meat rolls out to get felt up - Test with the baseball slide dropkick on the Distracted One. Back in we go, Meat finally getting some shots in - Union vs. Corporate Ministry in a Survivor Series match Sunday. Test with a rolling double side Russian legsweep, then a nice DDT. 1, 2, Terri Runnels places the foot on the rope and somehow referee "Blind" Teddy Long lets it go. Test is suitably distracted arguing the call and when he turns back there's a gutshot - Test dutifully holds his head down for half an hour while Meat goes off the ropes with a kneelift. Here's a scoop and there's a slam. Meat straddling him now - lotsa rights. Pose to the women. Right to the back of the head. Right. Off the ropes, reversal, duck, jumping back elbow from Meat, another pose, cover, only 2. Maybe he shouldn'ta posed... Right hand by Meat. Head to the buckle. Right to the gut, right to the head. Climb to the second rope - showing off his abs - but Test fires back - now Meat with some rights. Whip into the opposite corner, kiss the bicep, charge, boot up - Test runs at him to followup but is caught in a powerslam for 2. Rear chinlock for Meat. I wonder how this third quarter hour will do in the ratings. I guess the presence of Jackie, Terri and Ryan counteracts the sound technical wrestling performance in the ring, right? Test elbows out finally, but Meat drops him to the mat and drops an elbow too. Climb to the top - plancha, but Test rolls it over for 2. Meat with a lariat. Back to the rear chinlock? Yawn! Test quickly up and elbowing away - off the ropes, duck, waistlock into a powerbomb - nicely done. Test can't follow up, though, and Long puts on the count. Both men up at 5. Meat with a punch, Test with a punch, repeat, Test ducks a punch, hits a discus lariat and gets 2. Test has him up - whip is reversed, clothesline ducked, boot hits, and Test says it's time to finish him. Into the gutwrench - but Jackie is up on the top rope - and there's a dropkick (DQ 6:00) Jackie kicks a bit and Meat hits his Slop Drop variant - "Theme from PMS" plays as TORI makes her way to the ring - I guess that's the secret - there's another PMS out there! No, wait! She drops Ryan with a hairpull, then drops Jackie with a right cross. Terri runs off and Meat follows to help out the women. So Tori's got a thing for Test, mayhaps?

Quickly we cut to a camera spying in on the Corporate Ministry. Shane: "One down, two to go - [something] the Rattlesnake." Undertaker: "Austin's mine."

The WWF Rewind comes to you through the kind sponsorship of 1-800-COLLECT! From last week's RAW, the Old School Stooges go Old School on the Mean Street Posse - winning their "Loser Leaves Town" match.

Hey! DAN MARINO comes to RAW! Apparently Russell Maryland is also in the crowd, but HE gets no camera love.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN makes his way to the ring to hype his upcoming match with Triple H. Austin shines him on, by way of helping us realise this guy's gonna clunk around the top of the card for months to come. "This guy," meaning Triple H, in case that wasn't clear. Ha! Austin promises his foot will find the asses of H, Chyna, Shane, whoever's walking by, ass ass ass sonuvabitch Austin 3:16 'cause he's the bottom line and yadda yadda yadda. No sooner is this promo cut than the CORPORATE MINISTRY do be appearin' at the top of that ramp. Shane says that if Austin LOOKS at him wrong, he'll disqualify him and award the title to Undertaker. Shane goes on to promise Austin just might see Vince TONIGHT as he will have him put in the hospital bed next to Vince after "go get 'em boys!" They advance - but before they get there KING KEN SHAMROCK appears behind Shane and puts him in the Million Dollar Dream! Bossman puts the nightstick in Ken's head to break that up - the rest of the ONION appears and everybody brawls back behind the curtain - leaving Shane lying on the stage, Undertaker on the ramp and Paul Bearer close enough to the ring for Austin to grab and bring into the ring. He asks Undertaker to show up and save his manager, and when Undertaker fails to comply, it's gutshot-Stunner-play my theme time. Austin gives Undertaker a look, then drops an elbow like he learned it from Road Dogg, right in Bearer's heart. Then he gets a cold one ("I show up in the first hour and you give me LIGHT beer?") and that's it for this segment.

WWF OVER THE EDGE is Sunday Sunday Sunday! Stone Cold Steve Austin! The Undertaker! Dual referees! In the ultimate battle for power and the WWF Championship! Hey, he said "ultimate!" That can only mean one thing! Naah.

Not to mention that Austin wants D'Lo Brown to use 1-800-COLLECT next time...

Huh?

Happy Hour is NEXT!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where You See What You Just Seen - it's been a bad couple of weeks for ol' Paul, hasn't it?

Chef Boyardee, Castrol GTX, and 1-800-CALL-ATT bring you RAW is WAR! You think 1-800-COLLECT knows about all this?

We turn the hour before the first entrance is complete in

UNDERTAKER v. ROCK in a Very Rare Casket Match - as opposed to a medium rare casket match, I suppose. This ring entrance is rated TV-14-DLV! You know, take out the lame chanting and this is probably the best theme Undertaker's had for quite a while - it's all in the BONGs, you know. Ring Announcer Dunn seems to linger a bit on "Miami, Florida" when introducing the Rock in order to wring just that little extra bit of (hometown) face treatment from the crowd. Punchfest to start - whip into the turnbuckle, Undertaker puts up a boot - then runs into a clothesline. Rock stomps away, now punching as he's back up. Right to the back of the head. Off the ropes, duck, head down, DDT from Undertaker. Head to the turnbuckle. Right. Right. Elbow to the face. "Rocky" chant, sorta. Headbutt. We cut backstage to see the Union and the Ministry fighting away. Punches traded, now the Rock is fighting back - Undertaker with a right. Off the ropes, head down. Swinging neckbreaker from the Rock. I guess I should note the cast on the Rock's left arm. Scoop and a slam - time for the People's Elbow - Undertaker tries a zombie situp but Rock kicks him down, then hits the elbow. As he tries to roll him into the casket, TRIPLE H has appeared and prevents referees Hebner and White from opening the casket. As the Rock turns his attention to H, Undertaker gets up and strikes back. Off the ropes, duck, choke - but Rock waffles him with his cast (or "casket," if you're Ross) to prevent the chokeslam. Rock again turns to the outside, where THAT SLUT CHYNA & SKIPPY have joined the festivities. Undertaker is back up pretty quick, though. Clothesline is ducked, Rock hits a clothesline and Undertaker spills over the top rope but lands on his feet. Rock pulled out. Punches traded, now Rock with the rights. H spins him around but Rock gets in the first shots and after dispensing with him, turns back to Undertaker, but gets a Golotta for his troubles. H has returned with a sledgehammer - WHACK! Well sure it hit the steel steps and not the cast, but it still SOUNDED good and Rock sells it like it was right in the arm. Undertaker takes the cast to the casket with another satisfying WHACK sound. Triple H kicks him into the casket and Undertaker closes the door. (3:49) Shane provides a casket key and H locks it up. Helmsley poses by standing on the casket in a nice shot. Now the casket is shoved off its pedestal - holy crap! Helmsley takes the sledgehammer and beats up the casket good. Now that probably doesn't hurt the Rock at all in real life - but it's still a powerful image, ya must admit.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, In Case You Missed It. Ross calls it the ULTIMATE act of aggression - that can only mean, he's coming back! Naah. During the Break, the casket is rolled away by the cartload of referees and officials. Tony Garea and Sargeant Slaughter manage to open the casket with a crowbar - then grimace at what they find...

HARDY BOYZ & MICHAEL HAYES v. BROOD (with burning ring o' far) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night on Heat, where the no-longer Dok Hendrix suckered in the Brood into trying another bloodbath, and his new charges joined him to turn the tables on the Gothic lifestylers. This is SIX MAN TAG TEAM ACTION! but more resembles a Pier Six brawl. Finally we break out and it's Jeff and Edge. You know, this is the first time the Hardyz have wrestled on a Monday night since I started back up - isn't THAT interesting. It took FREAKIN' MICHAEL HAYES to get them back on RAW. Anyway, Edge with a nice Uncle Slam (full nelson into a slam) and tag to Gangrel. Stompin' away. Right hand. Whip into the opposite corner, up and over, head scissors! Hayes gets in a shot as Matt is tagged in. Whip is reversed, hiptoss attempt is blocked, but Gangrel hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Dropped fist. 1, 2, no. Scoop, Matt goes behind, to the ropes, shrugged off - Christian in illegal and rolling him up for 2. Hmm, must be lucha rules. whip is reversed, Christian hits the corner, the opposite corner, but manages to grab him anyway - Samoan drop position, but brings him OVER his head into a gutbuster for 2. Right hand by Christian. On the ropes, chop (wooo!), off the ropes and reversed, Hayes strikes from behind AGAIN with a hairpull, Christian turns to face him and hits a right, there's one for Jeff, but Matt hits a fist as Christian turns back around. Hayes tagged in. Double whip, double kick, double suplex. Jeff on the top rope - swandive with a flip at the last minute, very nice. Matt and Mike press Jeff, then drop him on Christian - 1 count, Gangrel breaks it up. Tripleteam on Christian - now Hayes in and on him - back to the unfriendly corner - now Jeff in. Pickup - drop. Outside, springboard split-legged splash (wow!) for 2. Tag to Matt, choke on the second rope, Bossman straddle. I can't handle all these wrestling moves on a WWF show! (JOKE!) Tag to Hayes - off the ropes - MASSIVE spinebuster. Doubleteam legdrop (Hayes to the groin, Matt to the throat). Damn, this is pretty cool shit here. Matt to the chinlock. Christian gets out and off the ropes - series of quick counters ends with Matt hitting a Northern Lights suplex. To the second rope, but meeting with a dropkick in the gut on the way down. Tag to Jeff - tag to Edge - LIGHTNING spear takes him out of his boots and gives him whiplash in the process. Flapjack for Matt. Hayes gets in a shot, then poses on the second rope - Edge walks over, puts him on his shoulders, then drops HIM on his face. Ooh, Hayes looks rusty and that looked ugly. Everybody in now. Christian and Gangrel do their finishes on the Hardyz, THEN Edge hits a somersault plancha on Jeff on the outside for good measure. Matt's recovered enough to go off the ropes and get backdropped by Hayes onto the pile. Yow! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas gives up and calls for the bell (6DQ? 6:39) and damn, I want me some more matches like this, EVERY week. I ENJOY WRESTLING.

Backstage, we see the Rock on a gurney ready for ambulance. His head looks - ewwwww.

During the Break footage shows the Rock being loaded into the ambulance and said ambulance speeding away. He's lost a lot of blood and is disoriented...

Now we see Shane and company - aahhhhh, WALKING! - "Vince is down - Rock is down - there's only one left. Two down, one to go!"

AL SNOW & HEAD make their way to the ring as we learn that later, Big Show and Big Bossman have a match, as well as Austin and Helmsley. Let Us Take You Back to three months ago at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre where Bob Holly defeated Al Snow for the Hardcore Title, then at last month's Backlash, Snow won the title back - or did he? Snow thought Head actually won, so Holly stole Head and demanded a title shot for her return. Last week on Head, Holly set up a "match" between Snow and Head, and Snow won - or rather, Pierre, the one-eyed deer head, won the match. Last NIGHT on Heat, Holly destroyed Pierre - and despite the best medical efforts, the deer was dead, baby. Snow is wearing a black armband with "PIERRE" written on it. "We're here tonight, to - sorry I promised myself I wouldn't do this - *sob* - Pierre would want me to be strong. We're here tonight to eulogize a true superstar here of the sports entertainment world - a coverboy of "Field & Stream" - a friend of the NRA - MY friend, a true friend, who always kept an eye out for me. You could say that Pierre was the one eye - the one I love. So here we're gonna pay tribute to Pierre. My friend..." and he opens the box to reveal the remains of Pierre (still with neck brace) "I have a few of his favourite things here. Cigars - Pierre loved to smoke and I always told him they'd be the death of him - I guess I was wrong. His reading glasses [one eye blacked out, natch] - his favourite episode of 'Columbo' - his favourite tape - Sammy Davis, Jnr, you loved Sammy, didn't you? His favourite night shirt that he wore the night of the first accident - " and he pulls out a negligee with tire tread marks on it " - Pierre will live on through ME, because Bob Holly brutally blindsided Pierre. The last time I saw a man violate an animal like that was when my class took a field trip of the sheep farm! While Pierre laid in the hospital bed that I made the staff put him in, with the IV hooked up to him, and he passed on the Hardcore Title to me to make me the true crown prince of Hardcore, he looked up at me with that one good eye that had that gleam in it like he always did, and with his dying breath he said to me 'AAAAAAAAAL-*hock*'..." and now HARDCORE HOLLY is out with Pierre's antler and eyepatch - he does the slingshot technique with the eyepatch, then spits on the antler and slams it to eht floor. Coming in the ring, Holly gets a surprise Headshot, then a Snowplow! Stomping away. Snow rants and raves - upshot is there'll be a Harcore title match at Over the Edge - and he'll pay, boy.

MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! And he's STANDING IN FRONT OF AN EXCITING DOOR! He promises that after the break, he'll talk to Austin.

A sneaky camera catches the Corporate Ministry lurking around a corner. Shane: "As soon as Austin pokes his head out, he's ours!" Undertaker: "No, he's mine." OOOOoohhhhhhhh....

Austin and Brown - again - yawn - do they HAVE to play this ad four times a show?

WWF Over the Edge is SUNDAY! as this local promo reminds me! 5pm!

The FRAM Extra Guard Sure Grip of the Week is Austin Stunning Shane, Vince covering, Austin pulling Vince off, Stunnering Shane again, and getting the pin - from last week's show.

Ross thanks all of us for making RAW is WAR the highest rated cable program in history! A USA Today ad cleverly tricks us into thinking that it must have been a story printed in the USA Today instead of an ad - oh wait, no it didn't.

Cole tries talking to Austin but before the Ministry can strike, the Union and other parts of the Ministry fight into the picture. They end up taking out the camera, aw darn.

Over the Edge national promo #2.

Another small segment... well we should be almost out of ad breaks at this rate...

And don't forget, Happy Hour is NEXT!

Over the Edge is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT!

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with the Onion) v. BIG BOSSMAN (with Mideon & Acolytes) in a "Winner gets to keep using BIG in their name" match - I sure wish they'd settle on a spelling for the former Dennis Knight's Ministry name - it seems to float between "Midian" and "Mideon." Bossman hits nightstick shots to start out as the seconds battle on the ramp. Bossman moves to rights as referee "Blind" Mike Chioda reminds him that nightstick shots aren't really legal in this match. Clothesline from the Big Show to come back. Right, right, to the corner, stand on the throat. He breaks at 5, then stands on the throat again - Bossman kicks to break it up, hits a Golotta, knees the head, and goes to the head again. The other six men have apparently battled to the back. Whip is reversed, big boot from Big Show - Bossman bounces off the ropes into the choke - ahhhhTHECHOKESLAM (which Ross calls "the Showstopper") and that's all she wrote. (2:00) He walks up the ramp to find the rest of his compadres...

Shane, Triple H and Chyna - WALKING! Shane: "You OWN him!"

Cleavage vignette. Here, I'll transcribe this for once, but I STILL won't like it! "Gosh, Mom, your flapjacks look great!" "Oh, honey. *Gasp!* Oh no, my little hairy Beaver's all wet! Let me get that for you. That's better, now we have a dry clean hairy beaver." "Thanks, Mom! Nobody likes a sloppy Beaver!" Or maybe it's "Harry Beaver." Oh, who cares. I mean, *snigger snigger* the WWF Brain Trust has DONE IT AGAIN! GENIUS! BRILLIANCE! It works on SO MANY LEVELS. Awww, fuck it.

Austin & Brown - you think D'Lo would GET THE DAMN MESSAGE already after getting his ass kicked four times a week...

Time now for the USA Update! This week they correctly identify the show they're returning to as "the WWF War Zone."

"During the Break" footage shows the Ministry loading into a car and driving off. Fortunately, the Union's car was parked RIGHT NEARBY, so they could tumble into THEIR car and follow them...

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna and Skippy) in a nontitle match - Austin doesn't get to the ramp before having to duck a clothesline. Austin with rights to take Triple H to the ramp, he gets up, he goes down. Scoop and a slam. Knee to the gut - down the ramp we go - head to the STEEL steps. Right hand again. Right, right takes him over the barricade. Hey, right, right. Right and he's back over the barricade. I can't handle all this punching! In the ring and we FINALLY get the opening bell. Off the ropes, Austin puts the head down, gets kicked, but recovers and tries a Stunner attempt - but Helmsley leaves the ring. Austin follows and hits a clothesline. Hot shot on the barricade. Back to the ring again. Single leg takedown - leg draped across the bottom rope, and he sits on it, Potsie. Let's do it again! I heard a called spot! Off the ropes, Helmsley manages a facebuster. Head to the buckle, kick, punch, kick, punch, kick, punch, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner takes a great deal of umbrage at this much uncontested offence against his boy. Head to another turnbuckle, off the ropes, reversed, duck, Thesz press and rights a plenty. Off the ropes, flourished forearm drop for 2. Whip is reversed, and Austin goes up and over, to the apron, to the floor, and goes to his left knee. Shane mocks Austin, and Hebner comes out to keep them apart. Now Triple H is out and on Austin. Taken to the STEEL steps - Austin holding his hip now. H clotheslines him over the barricade. Right hand. Stomp. Chair procured - but Hebner wrests it away from him. Now Austin coming back with punches. There's another right. Austin dismantles the commentary table, climbs up on it and tries a double sledge, but ends up eating a gutshot instead. Triple H runs him over the table and to the floor. Hiptoss onto the table, Austin collapses to the floor. Helmsley stands on the table and - does nothing. There's an axehandle off the table to the floor. Still on him - over the table again. Rolled him back in - off the ropes, reverse, sleeper by Austin! Triple H rolls into it and hits a belly-to-back suplex. Both men down. Chyna with a choke on the bottom rope while Shane distracts Hebner. Austin still manages to grab the tights and try a schoolboy for 2. Helmsley back up with a clothesline and HE gets 2. To the rear chinlock we go. Cue "Austin" chant. Arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm nae falls thrice! Austin to his feet, right, right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, duck, double clothesline! Both men down again. Hebner's count to 8 - both men slowly rise. H charges but gets boots in the midsection, now punching, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Austin hits a clothesline as he charges back. Repeated rights from Austin - now he's tossed him over the top rope - he follows - Helmsley tossed over the commentary table! Head to the table repeatedly - table almost tips over as he shoves him over. Back to the ring - suplexed back in. Ross: "And we're not even Spanish!" 2 count from Austin. Suddenly, we look up - and see that "symbol" being lowered to the ring. H with a big kick and now he's looking up too. Austin with a lariat - now he looks up again. BONG... somehow Austin and Helmsley get the idea that they are still in a match - Head to the buckle - as THE UNDERTAKER makes it to the apron - Austin with a shot for Triple H, for Undertaker, Triple H takes him outside and Undertaker waffles away while Shane gets in the ring. He and Triple H manipulate the symbol while Undertaker takes Austin to the STEEL steps. Right hands from the Undertaker. I can't BELIEVE we haven't gotten a DQ yet...? Uppercut from Undertaker. Rolled in - Triple H with stomping, now Chyna with stomping too. The CORPORATE MINISTRY appears at the top of the ramp - hey, they must have driven back! Hey, the ONION's still following them 'cause THEY'RE back to! While THAT brawl continues, we see Undertaker trying to handcuff Austin to the symbol - but it's AUSTIN handcuffing UNDERTAKER to the symbol! Double bird! Kicking! Punching! Other hand 'cuffed! Austin raises his arms - and the symbol is raised...but why is the Undertaker SMILING? And why is he lip-sync'ing to his theme? FIND OUT SUNDAY! (I guess.)

Let's call the last one around 11:00 and say 7 matches, around 39 minutes. A bit more if you count the before-the-bell stuff in the "main event" but we can probably trim that from the ending...eh. This isn't official, dammit!