Does anyone else think that Roddy Piper showed more moves in the episode of "Walker, Tejas Ranger" that aired right before the show (on USA, anyway - I'm sure they show something else in them other countries) than he has in, oh, the past YEAR in the WCW? I'm just saying is all...

TONIGHT: LIVE from the sold out Fleet Center in Boston - the WWF Women's Championship is decided in a match between Debra and Nicole Bass - also, Steve Austin is here tonight! And tonight, we'll find out who the Greater Power is!

Geez, Piper's a real AK-TORE. "I'm Cody the Crusader!" Geez, I almost BELIEVE he's Cody the Crusader. But why's he doin' that Superfly Jimmy Snuka "I love you" hand bit?

Oh man, that Warlock's one BAD lookin' dude! WOW! Lookit that chain wrestling! Snappy armbar! Head scissors! Piper is TECHNICAL EXCELLENCE PERSONIFIED! WHOA! That back body drop looked DEVASTATING in slow motion! Oh Gosh! The Warlock THROWS THE ELBOW! Head into the turnbuckle! No, not again! NOT IN SLOW MOTION! SOMEBODY STOP THIS CARNAGE!

Damned if, for the purposes of this show, wrestling ISN'T real. Ha! Oh no! Will the Crusader live? YES! LISTEN TO THAT TRIUMPHANT MUSIC! And he wins with a ... cross body block? What a let down! Oh, it's because he's OUT COLD, MOMMA. How come when the crowd chants "Cody" it KINDA sounds like "Roddy?"

Oh no! He's in the HOSPITAL! But at least he and his son love each other. "Dad, I love you!" Whoa - the MAGIC words to bring him back to life!

You know what? I probably WON'T watch "Walker" just so I can get the RAW preview ad anymore...'cause I don't know what's worse, this or "Felicity."

Why, yes, 7 June IS my birthday! Thanks for the cards and letters!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST WEEK: TV-14-DLV - Austin - Undertaker - the Greater Power - who can it be? Is it WHYSPYR? I think so! Last night on Heat - THE RATTLESNAKE STRIKES! Any way you cut it, it's an awful lot of run-ins... Aw man, leave poor old Tony Garea alone already!

"The moment of truth has arrived - TONIGHT - the Greater Power WILL be revealed!"

Opening Credits - RAW IS WAR'S A LORNE MICHAEL'S FLY!

WE HAVE FIREWORKS in the sold-out Fleet Center in Boston, MA 7.6.99 for RAW is WAR! This show is brought to you on USA & TSN, and en espanol donde sea disponible!

VINCENT K. walks down to ringside in his rasslin' duds - he's the Greater Power, by the way. You know it, I know it, we all desperately want it to be anybody BUT him (why's he getting such a loud cheer then?), but there's just been too many seeds planted, and even though it makes NO sense if you really look at the past storyline, that's it and live with it. "There seems to be a great deal of interest in just who is this Greater Power. I admit my personal interest has been tweaked as well. I remember about three months ago when the Undertaker first made reference to the Greater Power. And ever since then, the Greater Power has been weaving his wicked web of evil. And if it's true what they say, if it's true what they say this this Greater Power is even more demonic than the Undertaker, then quite frankly, I'd like to meet him - although I think I already have. You see, speculation abounds as to just who this Greater Power really is. Some say the Greater Power is the Commissioner himself, Shawn Michaels. Some say the Greater Power is one of the McMahon family members. Some say the Greater Power is Jake "the Snake" Roberts. Some say the Greater Power is even the bartender at the end of the block. It really doesn't matter who the Greater Power is, because tonight I intend to go No Holds Barred with the Greater Power here in Boston. You see, I believe the Greater Power is in fact a McMahon family member, and that's why, Shane, I know you can hear my voice - not only, Shane, am I challenging you to a No Holds Barred match here in Boston tonight - but just to sweeten the pot a bit, Shane, I'll put up my controlling 50% interest of the WWF, IF you'll put up YOUR 50% of the WWF. In other words, it's not just No Holds Barred here tonight in Boston, it's Winner Take All." Appearing at the top of the ramp is SKIPPY - what a foreboding presence! All this - and I'll bet Savio Vega is the Greater Power, too! Shane accepts the challenge - hey, another wrestling match featuring non-wrestlers! Shane assures Vince that he isn't the Greater Power. BUT, in a few minutes, the Undertaker will bring him out and reveal him to the entire world. And he better eat his Wheaties. Shane tells Vince he's goin' down.

Your hosts are JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER. Tonight - No Holds Barred - father versus son! Steve Austin does stuff! Inside the Lion's Den - Jeff Jarrett takes on Ken Shamrock! Women's title on the line - Nicole Bass challenges Debra! WWF Tag team titles will be decided when Gangrel & Edge take on the Acolytes! And we're mere MOMENTS away from finding out who the Higher Power is! (It's Iceman King Parsons, isn't it - he found out the Rock was bastardising "rooty poot" and there'll be HELL to pay!)

Steve Austin, backstage, talks into a white limousine. Huh? We see an arm but don't know who's in there.

On USA, WWF Raw is brought to you by SMINT! It tastes SMINTY!

Let me drop in here that last week I was *really* in the Jake Roberts camp - but of course, Kevin Kelly RUINED that for me when he came out and said the name last night on Heat. Damn you, Kelly! I liked you better when you were "Nailz!" Thinking about it tonight, I realise that it's more nostalgic wistfulness (or wistful nostalgia?) to the total badass "Trust Me" Jake Roberts of - wow, was it REALLY between seven and eight years ago? I bet he's still got it in him, though. Maybe he needs another ECW cameo. Eh.

The CORPORATE MINISTRY - sans Shane, since we're all supposed to think it's him - walks to the ring. Hear Undertaker: "For months on end, I prophesised of a power even greater than the Lord of Darkness. I assembled an army to prepare for his eventual arrival. And the Ministry and the Corporation laid the groundwork, so nonbelievers - you must prepare for the day of reckoning, because it is at hand! So now, as all of us know, it must become apparent to you that He has arrived - so without further ado, I present THE Higher Power." Damn you, Undertaker - they've been so CAREFUL to say "Greater Power," for whatever reason, and he goes and - geez, next thing you know he'll be calling his Symbol a CROSS! Anyway, the Gregorian chants start up (which, by law, signifies that this WILL suck) and out comes THAT HOODED FIGURE again. Everybody but the Undertaker kneels. Undertaker does his cool eye thing instead. Okay, everybody standing again - he's got the mic. Shane's voice: "You see, I told you that Shane McMahon was not the Greater Power, but you didn't want to believe me - well now..." and SKIPPY appears at the top of the ramp "...maybe you do. You see, the Greater Power is omniscient! The Greater Power is a calculated..." and the "asshole" chant cuts him off. "The Greater Power is cold and calculated, and a mastermind at screwing with people's minds - the Greater Power is also a master planner. The Greater Power is methodical in his methods - and a master in human psychology. The Greater Power knows what makes all of us tick - each and every one of us. He knows our fears - He knows our strengths and our weaknesses - and exploits those fears, strengths and weaknesses for the betterment of his Corporate Ministry and his own personal amusement. So who is this Greater Power? Let's reveal the Greater Power to the entire world - but just wait one second, I need one witness - and Vince, I know you're back there and I know you can hear me. Vince, I want you to come down here and I will bestow the honour upon you - I will give you that honour to reveal the Greater Power to the entire world, because, Vince I can't wait to see your face. How 'bout it, Vince? What do you say? What about it, Vince?" That's it, it must be AUSTIN under there. They can't give this away in the first half hour, right? Unless it really sucks. Vince appears on the TitanTron. "I say I'm close enough right where I stand, right here and now. I say the games are over, Shane. I say the evil, demonic SOB show his face to the world NOW." The hood is lifted - oh, of course, it's Vince McMahon. "It's me, Austin! It's me, Austin! It was me all along Austin!" Well, fuck. "You all bought it! You all bought it, hook, line and sinker! Even my family! Even my immediate family bought it! Every damn one of you were made fools of! But you know, I really didn't want to have to do it - Austin made me. Stone Cold Steve Austin made me fool you. He made me. Because Austin, I had to teach you a lesson that you would never, EVER forget. And now, Austin - Austin, now you know - there is no price I will not pay. There is no depth that I will not stoop to make your life here on earth, Austin, a total, complete living HELL. But right now, I'd like to thank my own flesh and blood, my son, Shane McMahon. And I would like to take this opportunity especially to thank the World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker. I would like to thank Hunter Hearst Helmsley - the Big Bossman - Midian - Chyna - everyone in the entire Corporation - I'd like to thank everyone in the entire ... Minis..tr...Stephanie?" STEPHANIE & LINDA McMAHON are at the top of the ramp. "Dad - Dad - Shane - HOW could you be so cruel to me?" "We weren't trying to be cruel - we weren't trying to hurt you Stephanie - it was just business. Love doesn't have anything to do with it - it's just business. We still love you, Stephanie..." Linda: "Well, Vince, let's talk business." "Linda, the first thing that I would like to say - I would like to publicly say to my wife, Linda, that I love you." Boos! Linda: "And Vince, I love you. But in your own words, love has nothing to do with business." Vince: "Wait a minute - you don't want to go there." Linda: "Oh yes I do want to go there - yes I do. First of all, I want to correct the lie - the lie that you've told everyone that you and Shane each own 50% of this company. You very well know that there are four of us, and that we own four equal shares. You also know that you didn't build this company by yourself. While you were out front doing your thing, I and a lot of others were behind the scenes helping to grow and make this company successful. We've all worked as equally hard as you have. And this morning, I called an emergency meeting of the Board of Directors." "I - I wasn't notified." "You weren't notified? That's really unfortunate. But let me assure you, there are going to be some changes around the office - changes, starting with the dress code ... it's gonna be a little less formal, more casual around the office. In fact, cutoff jeans might be the dress of the day at the office. Number two, how about a little profanity at the office? Well, every now and then a little sprinkling of profanity if the situation warrants at the office will be just fine. And third - drinking on the job - yep. Yes, at the end of a long, hard day at the office, how about an ice cold alcoholic beverage to quench your thirst. But Vince, what all this means, is that earlier today I stepped down as the CEO of this company. But, not before I hand-picked my own successor - and that successor - that new CEO will have full power and privliges to run this company as he sees fit. So - Vince - Shane, allow Stephanie and me to introduce you to the NEW CEO." Of course, you know we hear some breaking glass. Sigh. It's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, complete with jeans and baseball jersey (only $48.99!) - oh and red tie. Shane and Vince stand agape in the ring. Austin removes his "power tie" and brandishes his "power finger." He's got a clipboard and a beer. At a time to be determind, in the future, he'll give himself a title shot. But for King of the Ring, he's booking himself in a Handicap match against Vince and Shane McMahon. Vince mentions some stipulations and says it's on. Austin tells Shane he's booked him in a Handicap match tonight against X-Pac & Kane. Austin says the three remaining members of the Union can have any match they want tonight - and for Mick Foley, who's recovering at home, he's booking Triple H tonight against the Rock in a cast match - they'll put him in a full leg cast and have him wrestle the Rock. Geez, what'll he do without a KNEE to use? Anyway, that's the Bottom Line, 'cause yah yah yah yah.

What's happening to my beloved WWF?

And I was SURE that Austin Idol was the Greater Power.

The WWF comes LIVE to the San Jose Arena courtesy the JVCkaboomBOX! The Rock - The Big Show - Stone Cold Steve Austin - FRIDAY, 16 JULY! If you don't go, you're INSANE! (Of course, I'm not going, so...)

The WWF Slam of the Week comes to you courtesy ICEBREAKERS - INTENSE MOUTH FRESHENING GUM! X-Pac's broncobuster finds a strategically placed (by Shane) chair - one Clothesline from Hell later, and we have new World Tag Team Champions.

Backstage, Linda and Stephanie thank Steve Austin and present him with a Corporate Gift - a briefcase - no, wait! It's filled with BEER! ("I take over as CEO and you give me LIGHT beer?") Stephanie, Linda, and Austin proceed to get sloshed.

GANGREL & EDGE (with Christian and a burnin' ring o' far) v. ACOLYTES for the tag team championship - last night on Heat, the Acolytes issued the open challenge - and the Brood responded with a bloodbath. What do you MEAN, it took us 40 minutes to get to a match? Jesus, is this Nitro? Acolytes rush the ring and it's on - brawl outside, brawl inside, now Edge is being picked apart. Edge coming back with a swinging neckbreaker, but Bradshaw crotches him on the corner - Gangrel in - but Bradshaw swats him away, then catches Edge in a plancha attempt - fallaway slam. Faarooq tagged in as Gangrel again tries to inject himself illegally into the match. Spinebuster from Faarooq! 1, 2, Gangrel saves. Off the ropes - head down - Edge takes it to the canvas. Tag to Bradshaw, who's all over him. Into the corner, foot up - Bradshaw tries to run in again and eats an elbow. Edge with a second rope dropkick. FINALLY a tag to Gangrel, who does the house afire bit. Double suplex on Bradshaw. Now they're pairing off as MICHAEL HAYES & THE HARDY BOYZ walk to the ring to ensure no clean finish. Faarooq chops down the big Gangrel. Off the ropes - Gangrel ducks a clothesline - but not the one behind it, from Hell, from Bradshaw. Faarooq covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:22) Hayes & the Hardyz, meanwhile, have taken Christian and given him quite a wallopin'. Edge quickly makes it two on two as Hayes runs off - meanwhile, the Acolytes still hold the titles.

Later tonight, WWF Women's title on the line! Lion's Den match! X-Pac and Kane take on Shane McMahon! Triple H and the Rock in a cast match! And the Union calls their own shots tonight! Let's look at some WACKY fans outfitted in some CRAZY Kane & Mankind masks - easy guys, Halloween is four months away, ha ha ha! (Read that last sentence in your best "Newsreel" voice and it'll work as "humour.")

Speaking of that Union - there's the Big Show, Ken Shamrock and Test - and - whoa! They're WALKING!

Here's a live look at the Boston skyline, just for kicks.

Super Soaker PROUDLY presents the 1999 King of the Ring! CHARGE IT! PUMP IT! SOAK IT!

The ONION makes their way to the ring as MICHAEL KING COLE conducts the festivities. Hey Big Show, who you want? First he sucks up to Austin, then he says he wants the Undertaker in a title match. HE - WILL - CHOKE - SLAM - HIM - TO - HELL. Shamrock turns homie on us and sends a shout out to his main man Mick Foley. Then he butchers the English language a bit, but the upshot is that Jarrett's gonna have to wait - tonight, he wants VINCE in the Lion's Den - a little retribution for the humiliation and embarrassment. He's gonna abuse him - hell, if it's half as bad as his abuse of the spoken word...okay, I'll leave the man alone. There's only one person Test wants in the ring tonight - Stephanie McMahon. He's gonna wrestle Stephanie? STEPHANIE walks out, trying to look cute and, okay, pulling it off. Crowd tries to fire up a "We want puppies" chant - oh, grow up. Test says that he knows that Vince and Shane won't like her dating a wrestler, but (and then he gets on his knees - cue girly screaming) would she do him the honour of accompanying him on a date-type event? She says she'd love to. I guess no match for Test - aw shucks. "Theme from the Union of Domination" plays and we're out of this segment. So one SHOULD assume that the second hour will probably have more than three minutes of wrestling now that everything's set up, yes? You see, when people worry about the WWF spreading itself too thin, all you have to do is watch an hour like this and KNOW that they'll ALWAYS find ways to fill the time...

Here's a shot of Dr. Francois Petit putting the cast on Triple H - who isn't making it easy. Chyna stands nearby and says "..."

And here's another shot of that Lion's Den.

X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. SKIPPY in a Handicap Match - Kane's entrance is not only highlighted by a lot of flash pots, but the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box. The fire comes up EXACTLY at the top of the hour. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and once again see X-Pac his that chair and lose the tag team titles for his team. Shane slowly approaches the ring, but won't enter until one of his opponents hits the apron. Kane and X-Pac both want to be the one to get at Shane - but Kane goes to the outside. Dammit all, there's only ONE Boy Wonder and his name is Robin. Shane gets in two good shots, and then gets the holy shit beaten out of him by X-Pac. Broncobuster attempt is thwarted when Shane ducks under the bottom rope - X-Pac pulls up and goes outside, following Shane - the chase stops when Kane blocks the way - there's a roundhouse heel kick (says Ross). Shane rolled back into the ring - and to Kane. Meanwhile, TWO FANS rush X-Pac and take him into the STEEL steps - they get in the ring - see Kane - and think better of it. Halfway up the ramp, the masks and wigs they were wearing are removed - hey, it's the MEAN STREET POSSE! That's why we had the Newsreel moment earlier, I guess. Their celebration is short-lived, as PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO take the whippersnappers out and back into the ring for a Kane chokeslam. Don't know where Shane went. There's a bronco buster - there's a tombstone. There's Brisco and Patterson flexing like idiots. I guess they're not with Vince anymore. Can DX membership be far behind? Arrr. (No contest - under 2:00?)

Hey, look, it's the Rock! He's - ooooooohhhhhhh - he's WALKING!

And there's Triple H! He's - LIMPING! Because he's got a big ol' cast on his leg! Chyna's there too.

Michael King Cole interviews Debra - Debra says there won't be a title match tonight because her thirty days aren't up so she ain't defending. Instead, how about a little bikini contest between her and Nicole Bass? If Nicole wins, she'll give her a title shot next week on RAW, but if SHE wins, she needs to "bark up another tree and leave MY puppies alone." Hey, who DID Debra win that title from again? I can't remember....geez, it was some blonde chick with giant breasts...ah, hell, there's a MILLION of them on TV. I'll NEVER remember.

Hey, did things not work out between Test and Tori if he's asking Stephanie out?

TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. ROCK in a Cast Match - Triple H is doin' da wooden leg! I haven't seen that since Prince & the Revolution joined Sheila E. on the Romance 1600 tour for "A Love Bizarre!" Ross wishes Mick Foley a Happy Birthday! Yeah! I think that means I won a bet with Trey Conway! Punches are traded until Helmsley falls over. Rocky continues wailing away with rights. Gutshot - DDT. The Rock is proclaimed "scintillating" by Jim Ross. Chair is in - chair is used. There's the uranage. Now Rock places the chair on the prone form of Triple H - is it time for the People's Elbow? Well, UNDERTAKER cuts him off - chokeslam (DQ 1:23) - and there's a Tombstone on the steel chair. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW bounds out but Undertaker beats a retreat. "Theme from the Big Show" plays and off walks said Show. Meanwhile, Rock staggers.

Backstage, Debra - ooooohhhhhhh oh oh oh oh - WALKS!

wwf.com promo

The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From Over the Edge, Nicole Bass plants the Greco-Roman Liplock on Val Venis, and rescues him from ... from ... hmm it must be late, I got nothing.

RAW is WAR is sponsored by Castrol Motor Oily and Chef Boyardee! And FRAM! Hey, when are we gonna see that Chef Boyardee ad with the Rock in it?

DE-BRA & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET walk to ringside as Jerry Lawler designates himself Lech of Ceremonies. And here's NICOLE BASS & VAL VENIS - I note that Bass has new music, which means I never DID get to make any jokes about her having Paul "The Big Nasty" Wight's first theme. Debra asks that Nicole go first, so here's Nicole. Yeah, well, the audience can boo all they want, but she IS a rather impressive specimen there. Hey, we never get to see Debra's ass! How unfair is THAT? Even if she IS old enough to be my mother... Anyway, the good pair of tits beats the evil pair of tits. Debra is declared the winner, Venis and Jarrett exchange words, then blows - then the next thing you know Venis is holding Jarrett for the gee-tar shot, and of course Bass hits Venis and knocks him cold. Jarrett and Bass take off while Bass tries to revive Venis - Venis comes to and he's hot. Bass is a screwup! Nothing but a screwup! Bass: "You know what? SCREW YOU!" and she walks off. Now that we've seen her ass and now that her breasts jiggle, I bet we got a face turn brewing here. Hey, you think they can FINALLY get Venis over as a heel? What do you MEAN, you don't care? Hey, I bet any day now Bass gets some facial reconstruction - not so's they could EXPLOIT her or anything, no no.

Oh, and I don't Shawn can get away with calling Bass MISTER anymore...

Time now for a clip from GTV! Since it's no longer GDTV, I guess it isn't "Gotta Dump Television." It's the PMS bathroom! Jackie and Terri, they hate men - Ryan talks about Val Venis, and Mr. Ass. Then Terri starts to say something embarrassing about Dustin - and then we get the white noise...boy, I can't *wait* to see who's responsible for this!

GODFATHER (with 14 - no, seven ho's) v. MR. ASS - and in case you missed it, saying "Billy Gunn" is now *verboten*, per the WWF's standard policy of losing those confusing names that sound like real names. Hey, didn't this guy useta be Kamaved Mustafa? I thank GOD that they wait until 10:30 to put this guy on my television. What's Mr. Ass' first name again? Harry? Jack? Rusty? Maybe it's just "lame." Jim Ross is READING HIS EMAIL during this match. If any members of the Corporate Ministry interfere in tonight's specially booked matches, then their asses will be fired! The ho's look pretty. I wonder if they'd ever go out with a guy like me - you know, like they could like me for ME. Hahahahahahahaha. Anyway, ROAD DOGG (who is NOT named Jesse James, don't you even BREATHE that name) comes out and hits a pumphandle slam behind the back of referee "Blind" Tim White - Godfather hits a legdrop for good measure, and there's your pin. (3:14) Dogg tries to get another piece of Gunn but they end up chasing out to the back. Godfather bounces around with the women - he's got quite a gig there. Geez, it must SUCK to have women roll around on you like that.

Michael King Cole interviews Droz and Prince Albert, who are going hardcore NEXT! They both puke, evoking a fond nostalgia for...naah. But Cole gets a funny reaction, anyway.

Split screen shows Undertaker sunbathing in ultraviolet light, and Big Show lacin' up da boots - them two be fightin' later

And here's another shot of the Lion's Den

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Hasbro Interactive's CENTIPEDE!

AL SNOW (with Head) v. DROZ (with Prince Albert in a Can) for the Hardcore Title - Snow walks in through the crowd because he's apparently crazy. Snow immediately runs out through the crowd as the match starts - Droz runs after him and we cut to backstage. Snow has a piece of sheetrock, which I believe breaks before even making contact. Lawler says that wouldn't hurt anybody, but Snow keeps trying. Droz runs Snow's head into some plywood, then a broomstick. Whip into some empty five gallon water containers. PISO MOJADO sign shot! Now they're into the Legends' Sports Bar and behind the bar. Someone offers Snow a drink but he demurs. Droz with a tray. Droz pushes down a random guy on the phone - heh. Snow ducks a frisbee (plate) and take a pitcher of something to his eyes. Snow tries to run Droz down the bar but he sticks. Ross makes the second "geriatric league" comment of the night. Snow breaks a potted plant over Droz' head. And there's a shot with a - bedknob? ("Piece of artwork," says Ross.) 1, 2, 3. I guess ol' Prince Albert never DID find these guys. (3:01)

Ken Shamrock - hey - he's - aaaahhhh - WALKING!

So's Vince, in another shot. Michael King Cole catches up to him and asks something, but his mic isn't working. We do hear Vince's answer, though: "Do you think I'm AFRAID of Ken Shamrock?" The ONLY good thing about Vince's reheeling is we get to hear that cool snarl again...

Well, there's probably some other good things, but I won't notice 'em THIS week. Vince is the Greater Power. Oh, blow me.

Perhaps, now that I'm suddenly a year older, I'm now officially out of the WWF's target demographic?

Say it ain't so!

Quick, give me some Steve Blackman! He's a Lethal Weapon, God damn it!

Happy Hour is NEXT!

VINCENT K. v. KING KEN SHAMROCK in the Lion's Den - Oh, boy! "No Chance in Hell!" I sure missed THAT little tune! Vince walks around the entire cage just to kill time, apparently. Anyway, Vince, upon hearing the opening notes of "Theme from Ken Shamrockm," proceeds to chain shut the door of the cage a little early. Damn, Shamrock got his summer haircut a little early, didn't he? Vince holds the chain together while Shamrock tries to force open the door. Now Vince removes the chaint, and wraps it around his fist - hey, here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET with a chair. WHACK! And a lifeless Shamrock falls into the cage, where Vince quickly applies an anklelock. Since Shamrock is unconscious, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda calls for the bell. (:07) I'll bet Shamrock will be PISSED when he comes to!

Split screen shows Paul Bearer & Undertaker and the Big Show - wooo - WALKING!

The JVCkaboom!Box Kaboom! of the Week is from last month on RAW - Undertaker demolishes a baseball bat (or if you're Jim Ross, "club") on the Big Show's big head.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where you see what you just seen - McMahon's seven seconds to glory.

LIVE! shot shows Vince and Shane quickly entering a black limo and speeding away.

Let's check them brackets for the King of the Ring. Quarterfinal matchups are Mr. Ass vs. Ken Shamrock, Big Show vs. Kane, Road Dogg vs. Chyna, and Hardcore Holly vs. X-Pac.

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) for the WWF Championship - I haven't noted it until now, but the "real" WWF title belt has been displayed tonight instead of the "smokin' skull" belt. Big Show tries to strike first, but Undertaker takes control - he tries a belt shot but the Big boot is eaten instead. There's an elbowdrop for 2. To the corner, coming out - Undertaker hits hard. Double choke - back into the corner. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tries to get it out of the corner with words - ha. Undertaker tries to fire back - punches are exchanged. Now it's back to the Big Show - kick, punch, kick. Foot on the throat. Undertaker finally comes back with rights, Big Show blocks one and hits a headbutt, and the Undertaker's off his feet. Yes, you MAY use the word "deliberate" to describe the pace of this match. Off the ropes, duck, Undertaker with the choke - Wight staves the attempt and puts on a choke of his own. This standoff is broken when Undertaker motions to Paul Bearer - causing Hebner to look that way, and when he does, Undertaker hits a low blow. Flying clothesline from Undertaker. Now stomping away. Big Show rolls out of the ring. Undertaker following. Right hand. Head to the steps - blocked, Undertaker's head DOES hit the STEEL. Headbutt. Now at the commentary tables. Right hand. Undertaker picked up alike a ragdoll - but he pushes off and Big Show's head hits the post. Off the apron - clothesline to the back and Big Show wipes out the top of the commentary table. Undertaker now has a chair - whack across the back ("kidneys"). Standing on the back of the neck. Hebner trying to get it broken but not having much luck. Right from the Undertaker - now chasing Hebner away. Succession of rights. Choke is on again. Big Show moving the entire commentary table with his flailin' kicks. Undertaker grabbing him by the scruff of the neck - now taking his head to the table again. Big time eye gouge. Elbow to the back of the head. Kidney punch. "You wanted the Undertaker, huh? You wanted the Undertaker?" Uppercut from the Undertaker. Holy cow, we're back in the ring! Undertaker climbing to the top - coming off - but landing in a choke! ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM! But that chokeslam was so monumental that Undertaker fell THROUGH the ring! Hebner calls for the bell and stops the match (No contest 6:51) - geez, if this was *ECW* they'd keep going! Anyway, the ACOLYTES & MIDIAN come in and get chokeslammed for THEIR troubles - to their credit, they DON'T fall through the ring. Here's some replays of the Undertaker falling through the ring just for kicks. Here's a live shot of Big Show. He looks unhappy. Here's the War Zone credits. GOOD NIGHT!

7 matches, 20 minutes. Yikes.