Do you have any?

When I started reporting Monday happenings, my goal was to write a report for somebody who totally missed out on the show. Maybe they really WANTED to see it, maybe they were stuck in traffic, or in line at the DMV, maybe the VCR ate the tape, maybe their girl taped "Melrose Place" instead, maybe they had to make a choice and watched "Voyager" - naah, scratch that last one.

I LIVE to include every little niggly detail of play-by-play for a match that I want to see - if you have adequate imagination, you can ALMOST replay the match in your head when I'm really on (which is almost never). I LIVE to tell you which multinationals are giving money to have their names mentioned in sponsorship of the programs. These are the things that really help give you a sense of the state of the industry - and the relative health, too. Go back to my '92 Prime Time Reports - they're all TOY companies. Look at last week - online access, aftershave, insurance, motor oil? Did we ALL grow up? Thank God for the Super Soaker! Besides, if I have to watch the ads, why shouldn't you have to READ about them?

Back to the goals. I don't HAVE other goals with this. This is a hobby. This is a labour of love.

Am I doing this in the hopes that it'll lead to something else...something else...?

What do I want from this?

A job with a wrestling company?

Naah.

A job with a wrestling publication?

No.

Money?

Obviously not.

So what DO I want from this?

Fame?

A byline for a "name" website?

Hot sex?

Bingo.

(Naah....)

Maybe I'm doing it for the feedback?

I'm close to ten THOUSAND emails in my feedback box - about 99% positive. That's definitely gotten me through some rough times, and I probably haven't thanked you enough for your kind words, especially the people that (for whatever reason) I never got around to writing back.

Rick and Mike ended up giving me UNLIMITED freedom, mostly because I convinced them giving me the keys to the server would get my stuff online on time. I kinda enjoyed the taste of that.

I'm not sure how well THIS situation works for me. It's not just the swearing - although I *love* how people fret so over certain words - just boggles the mind, don't it?

It's mainly a lot of little things...

Short story long, I think we're in for some interesting times...well, at least *I* am - I guess, if you consider yourself a "CRZ fan," you can come along for the ride - or you could go out and get a life.

Anyway, in case I don't get another chance here, thanks for reading. Ya bastard.

Okay, from here we go to the editor (or as I like to call him, "the WrestleLine fascist")

Oh, wait, first...

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I'm a shill." - Bob Ryder, 4 June 1998

Can you BELIEVE Rick sucked up to Bob in his update on Monday? Jesus. THAT was a kinda quick turn, wasn't it, oh Corporate Viking?

(Oops, that won't pass the editor - better move it up - okay, HERE we go - hey if you're REALLY bored, compare this one with the WrestleLine one! See what makes the cut and what's "Too Hot for TV!")

And this site looks UGLY, too! And WOW Magazine SUCKS! And Bob Ryder is a shill! And this is a test of my editor! Does it stay in? Will I jump if it's taken out? Will I jump if it's NOT taken out? The mind boggles.

I had my first taste of Arena football on Saturday - the beloved San Jose Sabercats took on the Florida Bobcats. You could chant "Let's go 'Cats" and be guaranteed to root for a winner! It was more fun than I expected it to be, by which I mean it was more fun than zero fun. I couldn't see going out of my way to attend a game, but I used to think that about the Sacramento Kings, too...

Sunday I had a GREAT time at the WWO card, despite not understanding practically any Spanish and being, like, the only white guy in my section. I wrote up a rather lousy report for the Other Arena (otherarena.com), so if you get bored, you can cruise by the "US Indy" section and let me regale you with tales of lucha libre from San Jose.

This really reminds me that you HAVE to watch wrestling live. It just isn't the same on TV. The crappiest match in the world on TV can still rock the party live if the crowd's into it, and you're into being part of the crowd. Probably why everybody always seems to be having fun at those shitty RAWs we've been having lately - they play as much a part in the proceedings as the wrestlers these days. What did Shakespeare say? Eh, I forget.

Tonight: Sparks continue to fly between Triple H and the Undertaker - can the McMahons keep the Corporate Ministry Together? A battle of young lions as the Rock takes on Edge - and, go figure, Stone Cold Steve Austin will not only be CEO but also in the house!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST WEEK: TV-14-DLV ratings box heralds many clips, not the least of which is a reminder that the new overused phrase du jour is "not tonight, not any night." One errant leg trip from Chyna CAUSED all this, you know - of COURSE there's a woman at the bottom of all our ills. But will this disintegration(sintegrate-sintegrate-sintegrate) continue with all the speed of sands rushing through the hourglass? Find out TONIGHT as OUR SAGA CONTINUES!

Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A WARM CREAMY THIGH!

DIG THEM CRAZY FIREWORKS as we are LIVE from the powerful Pyramid in Memphis, TN (or, as I like to call it, "Lawlerland") 21.6.99 for RAW is WAR! You're watching on the USA Network and on TSN in Canada, and it only takes a mere 20 seconds to get "not tonight, not any night," out there from a commentator. Take a drink!

TRIPLE H and THAT SLUT CHYNA take a walk to the ring as if we are to start tonight's festivities with a by-God, actual MATCH. Ha ha ha. We all know it won't happen. At least H deigns to speak beforehand, so it's LIKE we started with an interview. "The time for talking is over! 'Taker, get yer dead ass out here and let's do this right now!" YEAH! The time for talking is over! BONG...

TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) for the WWF Championship - hey, Undertaker actually wears the belt around his waist! Now THAT'S a Champion! Before anything happens, the CORPORATE MINISTRY runs into the ring to separate the two, and we hear the voice of VINCENT K. "stop, stop, wait just a minute, no no no. Listen, I appreciate ... unbridled ambition and spirit, I do, but not tonight, gentlemen, not tonight, because that's exactly what they would want. They WANT - all these people want to see the Corporate Ministry divided in two. That's what everyone - that's what Stone Cold Steve Austin would want, that's what the Rock would want. Just to prove my point, let me ask all of you a question - how many of you would like to see, in this ring tonight, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and the Undertaker beat the hell out of each other? Well, NOT TONIGHT - NOT ANY NIGHT. You see, because the Corporate Ministry is in fact one. The Corporate Ministry is the most powerful entity EVER formed here in the World Wrestling Federation - SHUTUP!" The fans chant "asshole" again. "All right, there are individuals entering the King of the Ring tournament, all of whom are hopeful of being crowned King of the Ring. Well you can't always get what you want, and this year, we're not crowning a King of the Ring - this year we're crowning a QUEEN of the Ring. And Rock, you can't get always what YOU want either, because the Rock wants to be the World Wrestling Federation champion. Well, this Sunday, Rock, the Undertaker is going to take you and CRUSH YOU UNTO OBLIVION. And that would bring us to someone else who can't always get what he wants - the new CEO of the WWF, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin, when you were back at Corporate Headquarters last week wreaking havoc - and by the way, I haven't gotten the stench out of my office yet. While you were back at Corporate Headquarters, Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon challenged you, Austin. We challenged you to a ladder match, in which you would take your titleship as CEO - we would take our ownership - our certificates of ownership, our stock - we would put it high above the ring, hell, we'll even put it in that stinky briefcase of yours. Hang it above the ring, and the first man to reach up in the winner take all ladder match, Austin, will be the total victor, will have won it all. Now Austin ... Austin, you see what's gonna happen is, Shane and Vince McMahon understand the Corporate ladder - we understand the ladder of success. And after it's all said and done, Austin, you'll be right where you started, at the very bottom of the ladder, the very bottom rung of that ladder. And the hell, Austin, that you have experienced from McMahons in the past will be NOTHING like you will experience after the King of the Ring. Austin, you will bow in defeat at the hands of the McMahons in the ladder match." I hear glass, must be time for an ass - here's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN at the top of the ramp, and he's got a black ladder with him, and he's got the old briefcase, from which he pulls out a frosty cold Natural Light and proceeds to start on getting drunk. Austin sits atop the ladder and accepts the challenge, and furthermore the McMahons are bastards. "I was in my office the other day drinkin' - I was in my office the other day MAKING DECISIONS..." and Austin reveals a new stipulation for the match - if any Corporate Ministry member interferes, the McMahons will be disqualified and Austin will win the match. McMahon says that won't fly, and they offer a stipulation of their own as a counter - no holds barred, anything goes. Before we can figure out what can go down, some familiar music fires up and COMISSIONER MR. WHYSPYR emerges from the Brood's lift in the stage. Before announcing that he'll settle this quandary, he calls for a cup of coffee from his new "associates" - and out come PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO to "Real American." Michaels says to decide who's stipulation will work, Austin will take on a Corporate Ministry member of the McMahon's choosing in a match. If Austin wins, it'll be a "No Outside Interference" stip; if the Corporate Ministry member, a "No Holds Barred, Anything Goes" stip. Asking Vince who will provide opposition, Michaels denies Undertaker, saying he's already booked tonight. Shane says it'll be Triple H then. Michaels says Triple H is ALSO booked. Shane asks wassup, and Michaels says tonight on RAW there'll be a title defense of the Undertaker against Triple H. Vince says the Big Bossman will kick Austin's ass then. Michaels says just to make sure there'll be no interference in THIS match, he's appointing himself the Special Guest Referee. Austin bottom lines it for ya, and Michaels and Austin drink more beer. Before Michaels exits, the associates grab his ear. Michaels stops the music and says he's gonna book a tag team match - his associates against Shane and Vince, tonight. "Theme from Heartbreak Kid" is played and Patterson and Brisco take turns doin' da butt much to my consternation. Before Brisco can strip down to his altogethers, McMahon sic's the Ministry on them. Alone in the ring with Viscera, and just to confuse me further, KING KEN SHAMROCK (last week I can call him THAT) enters the ring through the crowd and takes a chair to Viscera's back. The McMahons run off to the protection of their stablemates before Shamrock can get to them.

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER who provide all commentary. Tonight, Vince and Shane take on Brisco and Patterson! Stone Cold Steve Austin takes on the Big Bossman for the final stipulations in the handicap ladder match! Triple H and the Undertaker for the WWF title! And so much more!

Backstage, we see Michaels getting an earful from Jeff Jarrett. "I'm the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time - you can't put me in the ring tonight, 'cause we're not dressed - we're not even ready!" Michaels stares at Debra's rack and says "you two look FIIIIIIINE." Apparently, he's next.

By the way - if I read into the stipulations of this ladder match - well, let's say Shane were to climb the ladder and take the briefcase. Exactly how quick do you think he'd be about returning Vince's 25% of the stock if he were to become CEO? And let's say VINCE grabs the case. Could this whole thing be a giant swerve between Vince and Austin to push Shane out of the company? Could Linda and Stephanie be involved?

What, I'm thinking aloud too much? Sorry.

Happy Hour is NEXT!

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by CENTIPEDE from HASBRO INTERACTIVE! Last week, Vince stole the straitjacket key but failed to count on Shamrock SNAPPING - his superhuman strength freeing him, Shamrock went on to rush the ring later, but McMahon pushed his son into a belly-to-belly suplex before beating a hasty retreat.

Vince gives a pep talk to the Ministry, and asks them to keep an eye on Shamrock. Shane: "Any questions?" Mideon: "I was in your bag over there a minute ago, and I saw you had an extra belt in there, and I lost mine - mind if I have it?" Shane tells him to do whatever he wants by way of blowing him off. This is important later, so make a note of it, all right? Finally, Shane turns to Vince and compliments him on his stroke of genius - booking Shamrock against Test.

KING KEN SHAMROCK v. TEST - having seen Shamrock's plight in the WWF Rewind, Let Us Now Take You Back to last week and show you Test's blind date match, which ended with Bossman using the nightstick - and Stephanie putting herself between the stick and Test to save him. Before the match starts, PATTERSON & BRISCO lead JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and DE-BRA to the ring. Is this what Jarrett was complaining about in the previous segment? Patterson gets the mic and says that this is now a Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Championship, thanks to the fan-friendly Commish. Jarrett tries to leave, but Test stops him and beats him up. Thrown in to Shamrock, now the double team is on - double back elbow, Test covers, Shamrock pulls him off and makes a cover of his own - Test pulls HIM off and Shamrock flattens him. Jarrett from behind on Shamrock - off the ropes, short whip into a knee. Jarrett going for the figure four but Test clotheslining him. Off the ropes, reverse, duck, big boot from Test. Scoop and a slam. Test going to the top - Shamrock hitting the ropes so Test can crotch himself. Shamrock brings him in and puts the anklelock on - Jarrett with a right to break it. Jarrett manages a DDT on Shamrock but Test clotheslines him out of the ring. Hey, there's my best friend STEVE BLACKMAN, along with Riggs and Murtaugh! And a kendo stick, which meets Shamrock's body with great velocity. Referee "Blind" Tim White is busy with Test and Jarrett on the outside and missing all of this. Jarrett takes Test to the post and goes into the ring to cover. 1, 2, 3. Jarrett retains. (2:27) Blackman silently stalks away.

Hey, look, it's the Rock! And he's - oh God - he's - WALKING!

And THERE'S the Rock - standing around while some guy raps about ravioli! Mmmmmm, beefy, this ad sure sucks

Shamrock refuses medical attention, then snaps. "During the Break" footage shows Blackman calmly walking out of the arena. Blackman's the MAN!

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol motor oily - buy some to get a six foot tall WWF superstar poster! Also by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli and WWF: the Music Volume 3 (get it at Wherehouse and Blockbuster!)

ROCK v. EDGE (you think you know him, but really you don't) in a "four letter words" match - Edge is broodless and comes out through the crowd to his own music for the first time in a great while on RAW. Also, he's wearing a trenchcoat in blatant defiance of all good people's need to NEVER see one again after Littleton. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Memphis! Undertaker, the Rock says that you come out here and you say you're gonna drag the Rock to the Learning Tree? Well the Rock says he will gladly go to the Learning Tree with you, pause, take a branch off, pick each leaf off, take that stick and stick it straight up your candy ass! If ya smellllllllllllllll" well you've heard the rest before. Edge has a creepy smile. Rights from the Rock as the crowd chants "Rocky." Out of the corner, hard into the opposite corner, lariat as he comes out. Right hand knocks him to the mat. Off the ropes, reversal, leg lariat from Edge ("spinning heel kick"). Lawler does his Yoda impression. Edge with rights. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Off the ropes, baseball slide from Edge, off the ropes again, Rock floats over and hits a DDT for the first Ross "scintillating" of the night. 2 count. Rock stays on him with rights. Head to the turnbuckle, Edge bounces nicely. Vertical suplex from the Rock for 2. Here's a chop to the throat. Head to the buckle, right, whip into the opposite corner, belly-to-back, but Edge flips out, hits a gutshot and a swinging neckbreaker. Edge climbing to the top but Rock is up - missile dropkick finds the mark! Edge climbing to the top again - bad idea - Rock catches him in the sledge attempt and hits the Rock Bottom uranage. Time for the People's Elbow. Thank you, good night. 1, 2, 3. (3:34) THE UNDERTAKER runs in and while Rock gets in some shots, 'Taker reverses a whip and his a Tombstone on the Rock, much to the crowd's dismay. BONG... Undertaker walks off and rolls his eyes in the back of his head. Tonight, this man puts the title on the line against Triple H!

In the locker room, the McMahons try to talk to Triple H about the ramifications - Triple H seems set on kicking his ass, though.

In a dressing room, Austin tapes up his knee. He's not drinking a beer, but there's one nearby.

SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY v. VISCERA in a Gorilla Press Slam match - Let Us Take You Back to Heat eight days ago where Viscera and Mideon had a fun time at Henry and Brown's expense. Oh, did I mention that last night's Heat ROCKED THE FREE WORLD? THAT is how you hype a pay-per-view. Is Henry wearing a SWEATER? Viscera strikes first, Henry strikes next, oh my, you may certainly describe the pace of this match as "deliberate." Plenty of exciting attempts to pick up a man, followed by failure. Henry keeps trying to raise the roof. Henry picks up Viscera to attempt a bodyslam, but apparently hurts his back after dropping him. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas puts on the count - Viscera up at 4 - elbowdrop misses as Henry rolls out. There's a legdrop from Henry. Henry pantomimes that it's time. Henry on the second rope?? Viscera with a gut shot - oh, looks like this is gonna count as the gorilla slam, although it's really a rather questionable beal. (2:13) Viscera keeps it up after the bell, and shoves Korderas aside. Viscera motions to the top rope - no WAY. Well, here's D'LO BROWN, peppering him with right - now he's calling to Henry - double beal! Yow! Here's MIDEON with ... the European title? Let me check that note I made myself write earlier...ahhh. Belt shots to Brown and Henry and we're cutting to

MICHAEL KING COLE interviews BEAVER & MRS. CLEAVAGE - he's got a big match tonight with Meat - "Aww, Mom, I don't wanna have a match with a guy named Meat..." and he lowers his head to the comely young lass' bosom - then he gets up and says "I can't do this..." removes the beanie, and walks off as a voice offstage says "Chaz! Chaz, we're live! Chaz...." and we cut to an ad break.

If you've been paying attention, the previous interview was a work, but meant to make us think otherwise. Hey, guess those Head Banger rumours are true!

The WWF and JVCKaboom!box bring the Attitude to the San Jose Arena Friday, 16 July! BE THERE! Or don't. I don't care.

Here's an exterior of the Pyramid - it looks familiar - a lot like something I've seen in a documentary...yeah! The LUXOR! That's it!

Ross says due to "philosophical differences," the Meat/Beaver match won't take place.

Hey! There's Steve Austin - and - and - he's - WALKING!!!

That was the whole segment? Bleah.

COMMISSIONER MR. WHYSPYR is out to show off his "Shawn Michaels Training Academy - 1-900-32-TRAIN" T-shirt - oh, and to guest referee this upcoming match - AND supervise the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box to signify the top of the hour.

BIG BOSSMAN v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN in a Stipulation Match - when was the last time Austin had to wrestle this early in the show? Austin only poses at two corners before taking it to Bossman, surprising the cameramen in the process. Off the ropes, right. Off the ropes, Bossman holds on and slides out. Michaels intimates that the rulebook just might be thrown out the window for this match. Hey, there's VINCENT K. & SKIPPY with the ladder - Austin rushes past Bossman and to the McMahons, who scatter. Austin takes the ladder and knocks Bossman down with it. Michaels suggests maybe NOW they go back to the ring, and Austin complies, throwing him in. There's a Tomahawk chop off the top rope for 2. Meanwhile, the McMahons are back with the ladder. Gut shot from Bossman, clothesline over the top rope. Bossman tries to grab Austin, but Austin makes a wish with Bossman's legs instead. Trying to crotch him on the post, Bossman kicks away and Austin flies over the barricade. Bossman following out. There's a drop on the barricade. Shane joins the commentators while Vince climbs the ladder to get a good view of the proceedings. Back over the barricade, right from Bossman. Head to the table is blocked, Austin with gutshots, and Bossman's head hits the table. Austin climbs the opposite side of the ladder, then pushses Vince backwards onto the commentary table! Because it's not the Spanish table, it fails to break, so, ow, that looks painful. Lawler's mic goes out as well. Bossman manages to get a shot in on Austin as we check Vince. Back in the ring, Austin comes back with rights, off the ropes, reversal, clothesline from Bossman. Super Soaker brings you the Double Feature while Bossman works over Austin. Camel clutch, with rights added. Various face rakes for good measure. Austin up - he punches out of it. Off the ropes, back elbow from the Bossman. VULCAN NECK PINCH! Austin up and punching out. Vince is talking up a storm but is not wearing a working headset. Both men knocked down. Now Vince lets loose with a tirade as Bossman slides out to hit his trademarked uppercut. But the Bossman straddle only finds the rope as Austin slides away. Austin with rights, timmmberrrrrrr. Off the ropes, Bossman ducks, but there's the Thesz press and plenty o' rights. Off the ropes, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Bossman taken off the ropes, Stunner attempt shrugged off and Bossman hits the big boot. For some reason, Michaels starts talking to the McMahons, so Bossman grabs the nightstick while his back is turned. Austin ducks, however, hits a gutshot and the Stunner, and there's your pin. (6:33) There will be no Corporate interference on Sunday - umm, will there? Vince goes for the ladder - but nothing happens. The remainder of the MINISTRY comes out and collects Bossman while Vince and Shane walk out just behind them. Austin takes the mic and swears. Then Austin throws a beer to Shawn and keeps one for himself (I wrestle this early in the show and you give me LIGHT beer?) and proceeds to get hammered. Here's a replay of the finish, and here's a replay of Vince falling over the commentary table. Ow.

"The following PREVIEW has been approved for all audiences." Except...Jim Ross saying "Son of a bitch" isn't bleeped, which would probably make, say Bob Ryder's ears hurt, for instance. "An insidious Master Plan. Retribution. Now, one Epic Battle for total control of the World Wrestling Federation. McMahon. Austin. McMahon. WWF King of the Ring - this Sunday on pay-per-view!"

During the Break, we see that the Acolytes, Mideon and Viscera, under the direction of the McMahons, beat up Bossman as punishment for his failure.

VAL VENIS v. PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN (with Droz) - "Pritchard, send him out now." See, Val's so ANGRY he can't even say hello to the ladies and tell us how hard his dick is and stuff. Earlier Tonight, Prince Albert had some words to say, only Venis started attacking before we could finish the playback. Val quickly takes out both Droz AND Albert, cuffing Droz to the bottom rope. There's the Money Shot splash on Prince Albert! Now ALBERT is cuffed to the bottom rope. Val, see, is pissed because Albert gave him a free nose piercing a couple weeks back on Heat. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long is content to stay on the outside and watch the proceedings. Venis is in Albert's case and he's got the tattoo apparatus out - oh my - here's Albert's bare ass - he's wearing bikini briefs, at least. Venis is tattooing him! With...with...why, it's a "W!" But what can it POSSIBLY stand for? Oh, apparently that's supposed to be a "VV." I guess Albert's ass belongs to HIM now. Or something. I could have done without this whole thing, myself. (No contest)

Hey, there's X-Pac, Road Dogg and Kane! They're - ah - ooh - oh - ah - WALKING! Six man tag action NEXT!

And now, the Rescue of the Week - brought to you by the action and excitement that is the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD! Chyna, with the help of a chair, rescues Hardcore Holly and Road Dogg from the stigma of having never been beaten by a woman. From last night's Heat.

Backstage, Patterson and Brisco warm up - Brisco gets a little overexcited punching Patterson's hands - Patterson reminds us that he's an old man. Or something.

Super Soaker proudly presents the 1999 King of the Ring - live and EXCLUSIVELY on PAY-PER-VIEW!

D-GENERATION X & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. MR. ASS & ACOLYTES - Lawler speculates that DX must now stand for Dogg and X-Pac - the two surviving members of DX, who come out to (surprise) "Theme from DX." Road Dogg fails to refer to his team as "the gleesome threesome" this week. This Friday, the Georgia Dome on sale begins, and you can meet Austin and the Rock between 3 and 5! X-Pac suggests the Acolytes put the belts on the line right now. Gunn takes the mic and says they accept, which makes Faarooq make that "confused" face he always seems to end up making, poor man. Dogg says "it's just like you Acolytes - always speaking through your Ass!" So the heels strike. Bradshaw and Kane go outside, Dogg takes Faarooq to the outside - Ass has his way with X-Pac until he reverses a whip - broncobuster only finds turnbuckle, however. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda has major problems keeping order here. Ass brings a title belt into the ring, but X-Pac ducks it and hits a spinning heel kick. For some reason, X-Pac invites Bradshaw into the ring - the he backdrops him out of the ring. 'Pac grabs the belt - and Ass hits the Fame'Asser on X-Pac, on the title belt. Chioda suddenly is back in the ring - 1, 2, 3. (1:10) Ass takes the belt and runs out. Bradshaw wonders aloud what the hell Mr. Ass is doing with his belt.

Here's a shot of the Big Show. Guess what he's doing. Go on, guess. That's right - he's WALKING!

GTV, presented to you exclusively in black and white security cam-o-vision, presents Al Snow picking his nose and then eating what he finds. Then he argues with the Head after Head catches him.

Hey, there's CORTEZ KENNEDY from the Seattle Seahawks in the audience! You mean he's not wrestling or cutting a promo? Oh, right, that's the OTHER federation.

WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. HARDCORE HOLLY - Let Us Take You Back to show you how this mini-feud's been progressing on Heat. Chokeslam here, chairshot there. These guys just don't get along, you know. "Two thirds of the earth is covered by water, and the other third is covered by the Big Show!" sayeth Ross in a nice scripted line. Holly is a local yokel, so he gets mic time. "Cut the music - hey Big Show, you remember me, don'tya? I'm the Big Shot! As if you didn't know by now, I don't like YOU. But on a personal note, to be perfectly honest with you, I think you suck. You come out here, thinking you're big and bad, thinking you're this, thinking you're that. Well, that's fine and dandy, but you haven't gone a round with Hardcore Holly yet. So I'll tell you what - tonight - let's make this match a hardcore match. Oh yeah, and by the way I will tell you this - you might put me down ya big (mute mute mute) but I won't stay down." I'm gonna guess "silly bastard" was muted - don't know WHY, Austin says that ALL the time? Big Show leaves the ring and meets Holly on the ramp. Holly puts up a foot, Show catches it and delivers a punch to the heart, and now they're off to backstage where I hope there's some interesting props at least. Like, they shouldn't go to the river again. Into a door, and outside we go. Headbutt from the Big Show. Holly throws a trashcan, but Big Show ducks and the cameraman eats it. Now they're walking - walking - walking - Big Show runs him into a concrete wall. Big Show walks up a flight of stairs up above the wall, where a car is parked - Good God Almighty, he PUSHED the car off the wall! Where is hopefully didn't REALLY make contact with Holly. Anyway, Big Show puts a big foot on the chest and referee "Blind" Jim Korderas counts three. (2:18) Replay of the car going over and I'm with Lawler: "How'd they do that?" Another shot of Holly - he ain't movin'. I wonder if he'll be replaced on Sunday?

Happy Hour is NEXT!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Big Show pushes a Car

VINCENT K. & SKIPPY vs. GERALD BRISCO & PAT PATTERSON - Los Dos McMahonos walk out to "No Chance in Hell," and are taken back to earlier tonight where Austin shoved Vince off the ladder and onto the commentary table. Vince does the invisible lats walk although he actually HAS visible lats. Vince climbs on top of the commentary table and strikes a double bicep pose. Naturally, Brisco & Patterson come out to "Real American" - Brisco wearing his "Worth the Drive" T and Patterson with his custom-made "1st IC Champion - Rio de Janerio" T. Happy Hour is next, we are reminded one more time, yaargh. We start with a double spear - Patterson on Vince (er), and Brisco on Shane - but the tide is quickly turned by the (ahem) younger team. Ross: "So much for my talkin' about the youth of the WWF, but these four are not competitors!" Now the good guys turn the tide again. Patterson up for the ten punch count along while Lawler says "Get your crotch out of Mr. McMahon's face!" Vince hits a Golotta, so Ross says "that's gonna make ol' Joe mad." People, LET THE MAN LIVE HIS LIFE! Anyway, KING KEN SHAMROCK is out - Shane manages a chop block and while Vince escapes, Shamrock takes out Shane with a suplex. Then he runs up the ramp to find Vince. With Shane left alone in the ring, the Associates double up on him - now RODNEY & PETE "GAS" are out - but Patterson and Brisco have no problem with them - now ANOTHER GUY in matching sweater vest is out - and it looks like I was right all along about a new wrestler coming out of all this. This guy brings in a chair and proceeds to Pillmanize the ankles of both men. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda finally calls for the bell (2:25) and tries to get things stopped, but Shane pushes him away. The four Mean Street Posse members embrace and do the Wonder Twin Powers hand gesture. "No Chance in Hell" plays while they walk off, Shane getting one more shot in on the zebra.

King of the Ring preview #2

Happy Hour is STILL NEXT!

UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) for the WWF Championship - challenger enters first, as he should. Let me again compliment Undertaker for wearing the title belt in the beltular region. Let me also say that, bar the chanting, I kinda dig this version of "Theme from Undertaker." Who do you root for in a heel vs. heel matchup? We're down to about ten minutes left in the show by my watch. Undertaker strikes first when H turns his back after they exchange words. Choke in the corner - H squirts out and hits some rights of his own. Double choke from Undertaker, and now the places are switched again. Lotsa rights. Into the opposite corner, Triple H throws up an elbow to stop the charge. Off the ropes, but he runs into a choke - gutshot breaks it up. Lariat from the Undertaker. 1, 2, no. Arm wringer, then 'taker yanks on it. Got it again, 'taker climbs the rope and hits the shoulder, going for the left knee after the landing. Off the ropes, duck, Triple H kicks at the left knee, then hits a chop block on the back of the knee. Elbowdrop on the knee, again, again. Ross calls Triple H "a very cerebral athlete." Foot on the bottom rope - butt drop on the exposed knee. To the head. Triple H outside - knee on the apron. Now occupying the attention of referee "Blind" Earl Hebner so Chyna can work the knee of the Undertaker. Triple H runs at Undertaker, who pulls him through the ropes and outside - Paul Bearer manages to run Triple H into the barricade to even it up. Undertaker on the outside now, there's a right, and another. Headbutt from the Undertaker, now they're trading rights. Back and forth we go, time to get back in the ring, Undertaker throwing him in and following - Helmsley hitting the back on the way in. Undertaker manages a throat chop as he advances. Knockdown with a right. Out of the corner, Helmsley flips and goes outside. Hebner goes outside to keep Chyna away from her man. Helmsley manages to grab the left leg and wrap it around the STEEL ringpost. Again. If Chyna DOES win this Sunday, they did a GREAT job setting up making it believable. Helmsley continuing to work over the knee, with his own knee, now. Figure four?!? Undertaker's shoulders down - only 2. Another 2 count. Undertaker with the dramatic chokehold to break the hold. Triple H with a kick, but he comes off the ropes and runs into the chokeslam. Chyna in the ring with a chair - but Undertaker catches it - Chyna runs off before he can find a use for it on her. Undertaker turns around and charges, but eats a big boot - then drops the chair. Here's THE ROCK, and there's the uranage on Undertaker (DQ 6:36) - Rock motions to the ceiling as Triple H makes an escape. It's a great big blue Brahma bull head, complete with smoke bomb "snorting." Rock with his modified People's-elbow-after-zombie-situp-counter. There's a shot to the nuts. Rock brings the "symbol" into the ring. Looks like it's time for another Ryderification! But before Rock can get to the Undertaker, the MINISTRY is in and fighting the Rock - the BIG BOSSMAN is also in, to get him some - in the process Undertaker and the Ministry make it out ... but Paul Bearer is left behind. Rock cuffs Bearer to the symbol - but it doesn't raise off the ground - I guess they don't want any...nah, I won't say it. Undertaker says some stuff we can't here. "the Rock says, at King of the Ring, it's gonna be the night of the Brahma bull. The Rock says the Brahma bull is gonna dip his horns, turn 'em sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candy ass! If ya smelllllllll..." Does the Rock have a ... thing ... with objects being rectally inserted? I don't smell what he's cookin'.

And we're gone! See you next week when I begin a NEW year of calling somebody royalty long after they're forgotten to have won!

By my watch, by the way, I get 8 matches (1 no contest and 1 Beaver abortion not included) for 27:17. Call me biased, but lots of short interesting matches works for me when they're spaced out just right. Compared to the rather dismal showings we've had from RAW the past couple of weeks, this show was quite all right. I don't need to see Prince Albert's ass for such a long period of time EVER again, but hey, maybe the chicks dug it. Oh, and the queer guys. Can't forget them!

AFTER THE FACT: Here's a letter from Josh Pettit just in time: I was at Raw in Memphis, and I have a couple of interesting notes. The Rock was very over in Memphis. He got the biggest pop, followed by HBK and SCSA. All the ladies were upset Venis didn't stay out longer. Al Snow one one of the dark matches before the show. My brother was outside smoking a cig, and saw WWF stagehands working on the red car that Wight later pushed over. He said they were empting all the liquids in the car in a big bucket. The Rock beat the ministry up after the show went of the air, giving a double peoples elbow, and gave a couple of interviews befor he sang his version of the Heartbreak Hotel, entitled "Smackdown Hotel". He said he had to give something for coming, so the song was our preasent and he had been waiting a long time to give it to us. DX got a huge pop, a Lawler got a big one as well, and Jerry chants broke out during every commerical. Earl Hebner got on a turnbuckle, and got a girl to raise her shirt. She was escorted out by police. The croud was very hot.

Thanks, Josh!

I'm OUT. For sure.