QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "The thoughts, ideas, comments and opinions of Mr. CRZ
are not necessarily those of WrestleLine, it's employees, friends, family
or anyone living or dead." - Editor's Note, Last Week.
Yeah, NOBODY *EVER* agrees with me. Uh huh. What happens when you take
the "n" out of WrestleLine, Perry White?
Unfortunately, my telco (whose name rhymes with "Specific Hell" - where
I've been the past week) saw fit to DESTROY my home 'Net connection. I
have been stuck in a black hole as far as the 'Net is concerned, and it's
probably just as well - the last thing I should do is talk about my
"situation" when I actually haven't made any progress in deciding how to
go about it! I *have* managed to read most of my email, but I've been
pretty bad about responding, and I apologise to all of you. My provider
SWEARS I'll be reconnected really soon now, but I'm not holding my breath.
Hopefully Tuesday - who knows? In the mean time, you have this to read
and that'll hold ya, right? Please?
I *did* find it amusing that of the two gay guys who wrote me and told me
they were gay, NEITHER had a problem with the "offensive" sentence excised
by my fine upstanding cens--I mean EDITORS, in last week's RAW report.
See, where *I* come from, you're SUPPOSED to call them "queer" if you're
gonna use a word at all. Anyway, I bring this up because both of them
told me almost exactly the same thing word for word - I should NEVER imply
that gay guys would find Prince Albert's hairy ass attractive. (Or in the
words of one of them, "YOU keep Albert - I'M sticking with HBK!") So
anyway, that's that. No more speaking on behalf of the alternative
lifestylers out there. At least this week.
I would wonder aloud that MAYBE WrestleLine gets more letters by taking
out a sentence here and a naughty word there and getting complaints from
the people who want CRZ "uncensored" than leaving them in and getting
complaints from the people who have a problem with the sentence or naughty
And I would ALSO wonder aloud if anyone is reading me who didn't read me
before on WrestleManiacs. 'Cause, you know, I'm supposed to have this
whole NEW audience and stuff. God forbid I QUESTION that publicly, right?
Ha ha. So if I'm new to you, I invite you to email me and prove that this
is the place I should stay!
TONIGHT: We're live in the home of Ric Flair (only we've conveniently
forgotten who that is since he's currently the president of the other
company)! Tonight X-Pac tries to regroup as he shoots for the
Intercontinental title! There are new owners of the World Wrestling
Federation and they intend to party like it's 1999! And you can bet that
Stone Cold Steve Austin will be around!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Still shots from last night's King of the Ring Pay-per-view telecast
(complete with TV-14-DLV ratings box) show the ladder spot that EVERYBODY
saw coming a mile away, but was still cool, Shane going through the
Spanish announce table, Austin FAILING to go through the English announce
table, Austin failing to grab the briefcase when it mysteriously rose,
Shane upending his father AND Austin on the ladder and grabbing the
briefcase, and Austin preparing for his life to once again become, like
writing for WrestleLine ... a living hell.
Opening Credits - RAW IS WAR'S A DARK PURPLE DYE! (from a suggestion by
Betty Goldfond - or whoever was using Betty's account at the time)
FIREWORKS mean WE ARE LIVE from the Charlotte Colesium in Charlotte, NC
28.6.99 for WWF RAW IS WAR on TSN and the USA Network! WWF fever - catch
it! EVERYBODY brings a sign. Sign in crowd: "WCW SUCKS AND MASTER P.
SWALLOWS" - oh yeah, baby. RAW is closed captioned and en espanol donde
sea disponible (con Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich!), thanks for asking.
Here's the CORPORATE MINISTRY come to open up tonight's interview 'n'
talkfest as balloons and "gold dust" fall from the ceiling. The McMahons
are back in full swagger mode as Shane brandishes the briefcase. "Yes,
tonight is a night of celebration!" says Vincent K. "Tonight we celebrate
the good times! Tonight the McMahons celebrate the sheer and total
dejection of Stone Cold Steve Austin! Yes! Tonight - tonight will be a
night, I promise you - no, wait a minute, I GUARANTEE you, you will never,
EVER forget tonight! Why do the McMahons celebrate the dejection of Stone
Cold Steve Austin, it's real simple. Because just last night, Shane
McMahon and Vince McMahon kicked Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass. Which of
course means, that once again the McMahons have COMPLETE control over the
World Wrestling Federation. And as such, Shane I believe you have an
official announcement." "It is my official duty, and privlige, mind you
to FIRE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'S ASS as CEO!" "So then, many of you
asking, the few Austin fans that are here, 'what becomes of Stone Cold?'
Well, it's real simple. You see, Stone Cold now, goes right back where he
started, right back where he's going to stay - down - ALLLLL THE WAY DOWN
- to the bottom rung of the ladder. However, do not despair because quite
frankly, Austin IS here tonight. I've got better news for you, Austin
will compete in this ring tonight! Austin will compete in this ring in a
preliminary matchup. AND, those of you wishing to spend more time with
Stone Cold may do so after the event is over, and watch Stone Cold
disassemble the ring and assist in carrying the ring to the next city.
Oh there's reason to celebrate! Tonight, we celebrate the sheer, utter
SUPREMACY of the World Wrestling Federation champion, the Undertaker!
And I can tell you Undertaker, the Rock definitely smelled what you were
cookin' last night, and it curled his top lip. And of course, we
celebrate the complete harmony of the entire Corporate Ministry, because
many of you thought there was a crack in the foundation. Well, based upon
Triple H and the Undertaker functioning as one, in harmony, we would like
to show our appreciation. Undertaker, we would like to invite you to
defend the WWF title at the next World Wrestling Federation pay-per-view
(entitled "Fully Loaded", I might add) against fellow Corporate Ministry
member Triple H. Yes, tonight we celebrate as no other night! Tonight,
ladies and gentlemen will be a night you remember FOREVER." Suddenly,
"Hard Time" starts playing over the speakers - does BIG BOSSMAN coming out
to his old theme have designs to spoil the party? Vince tells the
Corporate Ministry to step back. Bossman on the apron. "Wait a minute -
stop the music - stop this - stop right there. You guys get back, Shane
and I will handle this ... let's see - oh ho - whoa - let's see if you'll
go face to face with Shane and Vince McMahon, we won't budge. WE WON'T
BUDGE. Let's see." Bossman steps between the ropes, eyes the McMahons,
and yanks the mic from Vince's hand. "I love you guys." And then Shane
and Vince embrace the Bossman. Well, I guess that was kind of a swerve.
Bossman's back in the fold. "Oh there's reason to celebrate - celebrate
with us tonight, won't you?" Shane reminds us that McMahon 6:32 says
payback's a bitch, and Vince does an Austin-esque arm raise, which gets a
laugh out of me. Now we hear breaking glass which means it's time for
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to turn the page on this feud for the benefit of
the loyal viewers. Austin says the match was a bunch of BS, but knowing
that he'd probably get screwed, he took some precautions before going into
the match. Austin wrote himself a new contract, complete with extra zeros
and a removal of the clause which said he couldn't strike McMahon unless
physically provoked. (Well, at least they closed THAT plot hole.) Also,
knowing he'd probably be screwed at the King of the Ring on the 27th, he
booked himself in a title match on the 28th - so tonight, it's Austin vs.
the Undertaker for the title - oh, and by the way, if there's any
interference from the Corporate Ministry, the Undertaker will be
disqualified and Austin will be awarded the title! And THAT'S the bottom
lahn, 'cause humma humma ba dumma.
Hey! There's Steve Blackman! And - he's WALKING!
Lookee there! It's Ken Shamrock! And HE is ALSO WALKING!
King of the Ring encore presentation ad. Tuesday at 8!
Val Venis and Ryan Shamrock may not be friends anymore, but they ARE both
appearing on "Happy Hour" - NEXT ON USA!
KEN SHAMROCK v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) in a "Weapons
Match" - Do you know HOW CLOSE we came to seeing STEVE BLACKMAN main event
a pay-per-view? Let Us Take You Back to Sunday Night Heat last night
where Blackman made Shamrock BLEED with many a whack mit der kendo stick.
Blackman's a hired assassin, we are told. "Vince, you think you're kinda
cute and funny coming out here and settin' all these things up - speaking
of settin' up Vince - you set ME up, Vince - and now you've hired somebody
to take me out. Well Vince, let me make this real clear to you - real
clear. You keep sending him - but I'm gonna keep coming, Vince, and I'm
gonna get you. Speaking of which, the person you keep sending after me -
Steve Blackman - why don't you send your kung fu punk ass out here right
now. And you better bring all your weapons, because these are the only
two I need!" This match is no DQ, no stopping for any reason. Shamrock
rushes Blackman as he walks down the ramp - ducking the thrown weapons bag
and spearing him to the STEEL ramp - raining down blows - now whipping him
into the STEEL steps - then clutching his ribs to remind us that he has
"internal injuries" and is fighting against doctor's orders. Blackman
into the STEEL post - rolled in the ring, Shamrock brings the bag into the
ring, but before he can use the kendo stick, Blackman kicks him in the
gut. Hard whip into the corner. Blackman is "the silent assassin," says
Ross. I just think he's a bad motherf--shut yo mouth. But I'm talkin'
about Blackman! Then I can dig it! Nunchuku! Blackman removes
Shamrock's shirt to reveal taped ribs, then proceeds to break a baton over
Shamrock's torso. Blackman tells something to the crowd which I can't
hear but is probably extremely cool. Blackman goes to the kendo stick.
There's a shot to the shoulder (or, if you're Ross, "the head,") and
Shamrock's down. Blackman takes his bag, leaves the ring ... and silently
walks away. Well, the match didn't end, but I guess it's over.
Shamrock's been munching on some glass, I guess, 'cause lots of red stuff
is leaking out of his mouth. Oh, I'm sorry, that's "internal bleeding"
for the purposes of this story (under 3 minutes). Let's go to an ad
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago and relive the baton thrashing. Now
looking live, Shamrock AGAIN stupidly yells out for people to get out of
his way, then holds his innards. "During the Break" footage shows
Blackman calmly walking away. THAT'S MY MAN THROW'N' DOWN!
MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! And his job is to interview the King of
the Ring winner, to be known now until next year as KING ASS. Still shots
from last night shows the road to the King of the Ring for Mr. Ass. Cole
insists on calling him "B.A. Billy Gunn" for some reason. Gunn reminds
Cole that he's "Badd Ass" even though he isn't anymore. Gunn tells us
that he's half of the tag team champions because the Acolytes didn't have
the balls (oops, the mute just missed it) to accept the challenge "and Mr.
Ass never backs down from a challenge. And then in one night, I beat
three guys who were at the top of their game to become the 1999 King of
the Ring. Ya see, it's no more carrying people on my back like Bart, the
Road Dogg, and X-Pac - NOW it's all about - me." Cole asks Gunn what he
thinks about his match tonight with Bradshaw. Gunn says it doesn't
matter, in fact there's an open invitation with anybody that wants to step
into his yard. The sound of dying seagulls heralds the arrival of TRIPLE
H & THAT SLUT CHYNA into the ring. "Easy Ass Man, easy - I got no beef
with you, you got no beef with me. This is strictly business. This is
about your financial future, and you're gonna be very interested in this.
You see, I got a question for ya, Billy. Have you gotten your royalty
check lately?" Triple H says that Road Dogg & X-Pac have siphoned off all
the DX royalty money for the licensed DX shirts and whatnot, resulting in
the three of THEM getting a big cut. Umbrage is taken that the two guys
that those three carried around are reaping the financial rewards. Now
Triple H can't go get what's rightfully there's as he's occupied with
winning the WWF title, but if Gunn would work on his behalf, he'd be happy
to loan the #1 bill collector - Chyna. Gunn agrees and I think we've
found a new feud for our King. Helmsley calls for the DX theme to play
but no sooner has it happened than the ROCK is in the ring and on Triple
H. Seems he's hot about Triple H costing Rock his shot at the WWF title
one night previous. Out comes the flatbed full of referees and officials
to separate them.
Earlier Tonight, Michael King Cole interviewed Chaz. "Well, Michael Cole,
all due respect to you and to the creative team of the World Wrestling
Federation, I've been down gimmick alley before. I've been a Spider, I've
been a Head Banger, I was a Sister of Love, and then I was Harry 'Beaver'
Cleavage. Through the support of my girlfriend Marianna, she's convinced
me to go out on my own and do what I've always wanted to do - become my
own star here in the World Wrestling Federation. I'm Chaz, I'm a kid from
New Jersey, I'm here to have fun and THAT'S what I'm gonna do."
Steve Austin laces up his boots - even though we all know we're at least
an hour ten away from the match
Wow! Some guy picking his nose! No, wait, it's a wwf.com spot!
"wwf.com - constantly digging to bring you ALL the behind-the-scenes news
and information inside the WWF!"
GTV brings us some black and white footage from one car to the entrance of
the Charlotte Marriott - Test & Stephanie McMahon emerge - Test holds open
a car door for Stephanie - they exchange a kiss - and Test walks around to
the driver's side of the car. Then they drive off. I hope whoever that
is can afford a colour camera sooner or later!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and
1-800-CALL-ATT - home of the most annoying ads on Earth! Hey, remember
when Lawler REFUSED to even SAY the WORDS "Burger King?" Those were the
MEAT (with PMS) v. CHAZ (warrington) (with Marianna) - Hell, any gimmick
that puts Marianna in a skimpier outfit bears closer scrutiny - ahh, poor
choice of words I guess. Ross tells us that the McMahons have signed
Triple H vs. the Rock for later in the show. Lawler's too busy talking
about Test and Stephanie to ogle ANY of the four women outside the ring.
Back and forth match between Young Lions None of Us Yet Care About comes
to the endgame when Terri stands on the apron, Marianna stands on the
apron, eventually shoving Terri to the mat - Meat lets go of Chaz and Chaz
takes advantage of the distracted Meat to put him into a Torture Rack,
into an inverted overhead slam (YOU tell me what it's called - I'm lazy)
for the pin. (2:01)
TERRY TAYLOR works tonight! And he's with TEST. "After watching tonight's
GTV, you and Stephanie McMahon, it's obvious you two are--whoa!!" The
four members of the MEAN STREET POSSE strike fast and hard and Test
doesn't have a chance. The boatload of officials and referees are on the
scene, but not soon enough...
Here's the Undertaker - he spends a lot of time rolling his eyes in the
back of his head, don't he?
HARDCORE HOLLY walks to the ring to continue the gabbin'. Let Us Take You
Back to Last Week and reveal that the car didn't REALLY hit Bob. Wotta
shock, eh? "First of all, I've got something to say to you Big Show!
Last week you threw a car on me! Is that the best you've got?
Hahahahaha... Well guess what? You missed! Hahahaha... Look, Big Show,
I'll get back to you later on because right now I got bigger fish to burn.
Kane, it seems to me you don't know who Hardcore Holly is - you see, I'm
the Big Shot! So, if you want some of Hardcore Holly ... besides
blindsiding me like you did last night, I tell you what, why don't you
bring your Big Red diapered ass down by the ramp and fight me face to
face, because I tell you what, I'm ready for you tonight, ya Big Red
Retard!" When did Holly go COMPLETELY insane, anyway? The lights go out
and the music starts - I guess it's on...
HARDCORE HOLLY v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE - Holly
doesn't flinch when the flashpots do their thing, which impresses Lawler.
Holly walks right up to Kane and gives him a shove - Kane blocks a punch
and hits a chop of his own, again, to the corner, choke is on. Referee
"Blind" Teddy Long tries to convince Kane to break. Into the opposite
corner we go - Holly steps aside on the charge but eats a back elbow.
Kane scales the ropes - but Holly bounces off the ropes, crotching him on
the top rope. There's a dropkick to take him outside. Holly out now,
bringing him back in - stomp. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW lumbers to the ring
while Holly talks over Toyota salvage values with Long.
AHHHHHHit'stheCHOKESLAM on Kane! Big Show walks off, his measure of
revenge gained, while Holly puts a foot on Kane's chest. 1, 2, 3. Holly
wins! Holly wins! (1:35) Standing over Kane and gloating, the triumph
is fleeting as Kane puts up a hand to grab him by the throat. There's a
chokeslam. There's ANOTHER chokeslam. Holy crap, there's a THIRD
chokeslam. The rest of the refs come out but Kane wants one more. Holly
is rolled out while Kane gets distracted, and crumples in a heap at
Lookee there, it's Triple H & Chyna - oh my God - they're WALKING!
And here's the Rock - he's - he's - WALKING!
Looks like we barely break six minutes of action this hour. Wrestling
must be SO SO popular because we see so LITTLE of it during these shows
that we keep coming back. If they had like 80 minutes of wrestling in a
two hour show, man, we'd just get so TIRED of it, the ratings would SURELY
plummet! Right? Still, they could TRY it at least - you know, kinda TEST
The NEW Starburst Hard Candy presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From Last
Night, Triple H runs into the WWF title match and puts a Pedigree on the
Rock. The tombstone from the Undertaker makes it academic.
ROCK v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) - Jim Ross announces the
attendance at 19,553 - exactly 555 less than last night's King of the Ring
in Greensboro. Rock welcomes the RAW credits as he stands on the
turnbuckle. And here's the TV-14-DLV ratings box. Time now to Sing Along
with the Rock. "Finally the Rock has come back to [name of city]!
Undertaker, last night at King of the Ring, the entire world witnessed the
Rock beat you not once, but twice. But the People's Champ ain't cryin'
because he relishes in the fact that you woke up this morning with a brand
new tattoo tatt'd on the back of your 33 pound head! And the tattoo read
this: 'Last night at King of the Ring, the Rock did sacrifice me fast, for
he took my own hand, turned it sideways, and stuck it straight up my candy
ass!' Now the Rock says you don't have enough hair on your Roody Poo [you
sing here] to come out here and let the Rock serve you up a nice big fat
Rockburger with some extra cheese and when you get thirsty the Rock has a
nice tall glass of freshly squeezed monkey piss (muted)" [Why do they
bother muting if they're gonna miss the naughty word?] "If ya
smellllllllll what the Rock ........................... is cookin'." I
supposed I should mention that Triple H's music now has Connecticut
Yankee-provided scream vocals. Triple H rushes but Rock gets in the first
licks - out of the corner, lariat. Right hand takes him down, right hand,
off the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks, Rock ducks again, Helmsley hits a
high knee since the clothesline aren't workin'. In the corner, Helmsley's
on fire with right hands. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner finally works a
break. Right cross, Rock fires back with rights of his own. Off the
ropes, reversal, Rock ducks, gutshot, DDT. Cover, but only 2. Right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, KING
ASS is in with a "club" to end this technical display of excellence from
the Rock. (DQ 1:40) Why, that must be a BILLY CLUB! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Anyway, Gunn does some major league jawin' while Triple H and Chyna walk
off. Ross says for the second time that Gunn fancies himself "Brad Pitt
with an Attitude" so I guess I better note it before he says it five more
times and overkills me to death. I personally think Gunn looks as much
like Brad Pitt as *I* do but you didn't hear ME say that.
Not to mention that THIS hour doesn't seem to bode well for any matches
reaching the magic three minute mark...
APW action returns to the Silver Creek High School Gymnasium - All-Pro
Wrestling is TOO HOT TO HANDLE! The APW title will be decided in a four
corners match! And if I'm not careful, I'll be BLUDGEONED into going!
Exterior of the Colesium, because we're LIVE.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Gunn takes the Club to Rock, in
effect, laying some smack down.
Backstage, Michael King Cole was supposed to update us on the Rock's
condition but instead, let's take a gander yonder as PRINCE ALBERT & DROZ
are putting the boots to VAL VENIS - then running him into a garage door.
GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. EDGE (you think you know him) -
I'll bet Flair's had ALL them women. Lawler lets us all know he's
watched "Austin Powers" by doing everything short of saying "horny"
(although the Powers doll has NO qualms about saying it...hmmm...) Edge
walks through the crowd and wears a trenchcoat - I'm just saying. Let Us
Take You Back to Last Night and show you Edge's second rope spear on Jeff
Hardy - a manoeuvre which Jim Ross, always on the cutting edge of the
lexicon, described as "scintillating." Lockup, side headlock from
Godfahter, Edge shrugs him off, shoulderblock from Godfater, off the
ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts, clothesline from Godfather, kick to the
gut, off the ropes, DROZ & PRINCE ALBERT are here to cut THIS match short,
Godfather with a scoop and the slame - elbowdrop misses - Edge's foot is
caught, but he hits a spin and mulekick with the other. Gutshot, swinging
neckbreaker by Edge - to the top rope - plancha for 2. Off the ropes,
head down, kick from Godfather, clothesline, scoop and a slam, off the
ropes with a legdrop. Edge slumps in the corner and stays there until
Godfather can hit the Ho Train splash. Now Droz is up on the apron -
referee "Blind" Tim White turns his attention to him while Prince Albert
gets in the ring behind the Godfather - here's the - wow, military press
into a something-or-other. Droz off the apron - Edge with the spear and
the pin (2:06). Edge takes off and Albert and Droz continue to work over
Godfather, eventually tying him up in the ropes while one of the ho's gets
in the ring. Droz grabs HER and Albert goes to the case. Ewww, they're
not REALLY gonna pierce her tongue. Just in the nick of time, Edge
rescues the fair damsel - taking Prince Albert over the top while the
freed Godfather takes care of Droz. They end up walking off while the
ho's join the good guys in the ring. Edge and the ho get a little -
friendly - Edge with his infamous smile - and as they walk off, the camera
finds Gangrel up in the cheap seats ... not exactly happy with this turn
In the locker room, Billy Gunn talks to an unseen person. "Okay? I mean,
yeah, only come if I need ya, all right?" Then he walks off...
After RAW is WAR, catch the World Wrestling Federation on the Home
Shopping Network! That is, unless you're on the West Coast...sigh
KING ASS v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (with Acolyte Faarooq) for a tag team title
belt - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Gunn hit the Fame'Asser on
the title belt on X-Pac to take the fall in a six-man tag - following
that, Gunn walked off with Bradshaw's belt, much to his consternation.
Was I just imaging that there was supposed to be an Acolytes/Brown & Henry
tag team title match last night? The PPV *was* a half hour short...come
to think of it, why didn't we get a "Coronation" last night? Don't they
do THAT anymore? I guess they didn't last year either... Anyway, Faarooq
clocks Gunn with the OTHER tag team title but despite this Gunn STILL
kicks out at 2. Gunn getting destroyed now. Backdrop suplex. Elbowdrop
off the ropes misses. Off the ropes again, flying jalapeno from Gunn.
Repeated rights. Head to the buckle. Hard whip into the opposite
turnbuckle - splash attempt is caught by Bradshaw. Here's a fallaway
slam. I forgot to mention that Test was reported with a concussion in the
previous match. I mention is now because Lawler's STILL talking about it.
Gunn with a tornado DDT out of the corner to counter whatever Bradshaw was
planning. Gunn off the ropes with a back elbow - standing dropkick.
Here's a moon for Faarooq but he's not into that. Faarooq up on the apron
with the belt - Gunn ducks and it's BRADSHAW who tastes the metal.
Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda somehow manages to miss all of this despite
staring RIGHT at Faarooq. Anyway X-PAC is out and he's got Gunn's head
down to the canvas. Gunn looks back at X-Pac, and next thing you know
he's doing three flips from Bradshaw's "clothesline from Hell." 1, 2, 3.
Longest match of the night - whee (3:07) X-Pac gets hit from behind by
THAT SLUT CHYNA, and before a doubleteam can commence, the ROAD DOGG is in
to hit and dance and hit some more. Road Dogg actually striking Chyna
this time...Gunn and Chyna take off while the DX theme plays and crotch
chops for all abound.
Hey, some guy's getting his prostrate examined! "wwf.com - constantly
probing behind the scenes to bring you inside information and the latest
news of the WWF!" The reason we're seeing all these spots is that they
had a site redesign on Monday. Just in case you didn't know. You didn't
CARE? What are you doing ONLINE?
TCI local spot hypes the WWF Live at the San Jose Arena on 16 July with a
REALLY old RAW spot. Look, there's Chainsaw Charlie!
The JVCkaboom!box brings you the JVC Kaboom! of the week! And it's the
ladder pileup from last night's King of the Ring main event.
Michael King Cole stands in front of a door. He'll be talking to Mr.
McMahon soon - so don't you DARE touch that dial! Even if you see Scott
Putski and Sid Vicious on the other channel!
IVORY & NICOLE BASS walk to the ring. "That's right, Ivory is in the
house, and in a big way as your NEW WWF Women's Champion. THIS time
people, you've got a REAL Champion! No more Barbie doll lipstick LOSERS!
I don't just walk it, or talk it or take it off, I just DO it. Now
there's only one problem here that I see - there's no competition here in
the WWF. So now I want tonight to be special. So I thought we'd have a
little fun, change things up tonight here, Charlotte. Why don't we make
our own little rendition of an old Rocky Balboa movie? I'll be the hot
lookin' champion who's got it all, and I'll give an opportunity to some
nobody out there to be a somebody maybe tonight. I'm gonna open up an
invitation to all the ladies in the audience tonight, Charlotte. If
you've got what it takes to be a Champion, step right up, huh? Let's have
somebody...all you gotta do is beat me." SOME WOMAN actually walks up and
onto the apron (plant, plant) - JIM DOTSON the WWF security guy says that
don't happen in MY ring but Ivory, laughing, tells him it's okay. You
know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that was Malia Hosaka. Ivory
says "It's all fake anyway, honey, don't you know? Come on, it's all
right. You want a piece of me for that belt? Look at all these people
watching you, girl, are you ready to do something, or are you just gonna
stand here and look cute?" She begs off - saying something like "I didn't
think you'd actually let me in" or something. Ivory says something about
her momma or something. The unknown girl walks off, Ivory spins her
around and slaps her one - then Ivory gets SPEARED and we get a gratuitous
upskirt look at her ass. Oh, sorry. Before any more damage can be done,
Bass pulls her off - POWERBOMB! Bass throttling her, Ivory telling her to
stop. Ivory picks her up to see if she's okay - then pops her with a
clothesline and rains down some rights. Dotson finally gets Ivory, who
has a handful of hair. Order is restored, sorta.
Michael King Cole asks Mr. McMahon about tonight's main event. Vince says
last night he and Shane took the heart out of Stone Cold and he's not
worried at all.
Debra's getting made up, but Jarrett's impatient, he grabs her arm and -
oh boy - now they're WALKING!
The Rock stands around while women jiggle and some rapper talks about
"gettin' chefy with it" and ravioli. Rock's catchphrases are overdubbed
onto the soundtrack this week - I STILL think this ad kinda sucks.
The NEW Starburst Hard Candy presents WWF Fully Loaded - only on
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-bra) v. X-PAC for the
Intercontinental Title - You know, I wish Lawler would SHUT THE FRICK UP
already about the "puppies." Debra has a new "SHOW ME YOUR PUPPIES"
T-shirt, and the King gets a free one. I HATE it when the Champion enters
first, by the way. While I have you here, let me say that no matter what
my long time close personal friend Rick Scaia says, there was ONE obvious
choice for King of the Ring and it was Mr. Ass. The ONLY surprise in that
tourney was that he went over X-Pac instead of Road Dogg. In fact, if you
look at the brackets, it forms a nice neat symmetric pattern, I'd draw it
out for you here but it probably would work in HTML when the people at
this site get to it. Jarrett takes time out from kickin' X-Pac's ass to
chide Debra for wearing a blazer that can't help but be so open and
revealing at the top. Lawler says "puppies" a MILLION FRICKIN' TIMES.
Here's a sleeper that takes a while. Arm doesn't fall enough times,
though, X-Pac powers out and puts on a sleeper of his own - Jarrett
reverses to another sleeper, X-Pac's trick knee acts up. X-Pac with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" a few times. There go his educated
feet! Some of those kicks even come close to landing. X-Pac with a
powerbomb to counter the - what, RANA ATTEMPT? From Jarrett? Apparently,
this week Jarrett's geetar says "Greatest IC Champ of all time" but I
didn't see it. Jarrett off the top turnbuckle with a plancha, but X-Pac
rolls it over for 2. Starburst provides the double feature of the
powerbomb. Hard whip into the corner, X-Pac sidesteps the charge and hits
his patented three spinning heel kicks. Here's the bronco buster. Here's
KING ASS come out to waffle X-Pac with the geetar - but X-Pac ducks!
There's a roundhouse kick to Gunn to put HIM down and out of the ring,
conveniently leaving behind the six-string. Debra's up on the apron and
at this point somebody hits the ring with a drink, which splashes
PERFECTLY onto the camera. Also we miss X-Pac putting the guitar over
Jarrett's head. Unfortunately, Debra is - ahem - "distracting" referee
"Blind" Jim Korderas up on the apron. Gunn is in with the Fame'asser on
some guitar remains (Ross: "DAMN him!") - Jarrett manages to crawl over
and put an arm on X-Pac. 1, 2, 3. (5:02) Post-match Gunn lays into
X-Pac - and you bet your sweet bippy that ROAD DOGG is in to make the
save. Well here's THAT SLUT CHYNA and it's on. Ross proclaims it a Pier
Six brawl but fails to ask Katie to bar the door. The requisite
complement of referees and officials attempts to restore order. Here's
some replays! Ross says for the THIRD time that Gunn thinks he's "Brad
Pitt with an Attitude" and I officially proclaim "overkill" on that idea
Undertaker and Paul Bearer - are - WALKING!
Steve Austin, in a different shot - is - ahhhh - ahhhhh - ahhhhhh -
King of the Ring encore ad #2
A quick reminder that Val Venis and Ryan Shamrock are NEXT - on HAPPY
HOUR! Not on TSN, mind you...
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Ross says we're
in for a slobberknocker. *I* say the Champion DAMN sure shouldn't be
walking out FIRST. Looks like we won't get a half hour of bell-to-bell
tonight since we've got about 12 minutes left in the show. Ross plugs the
WWF on the Home Shopping Network right after the show. Exclusive
interviews I will completely miss! Yahoo! Austin's in the ring and
Undertaker charges to start - duck, Austin with rights, now they're
trading blows, now it's all Austin again. Shoulder drives from Austin -
now Undertaker trades places in the corner and strikes - Undertaker scares
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner out of the ring. Still on him. Head to the
buckle. Off the ropes, Austin ducks, Thesz press, right, flourished
kneedrop but only 2. Still on him with kicks. Head to the buckle.
Repeated heads in the gut. Right cross. Whip into the opposite corner is
reversed, Austin ducks, gutshot, Stunner attempt is shoved off -
Undertaker steps out - Austin following - double sledge off the apron to
the floor! Now Austin punching away. Undertaker trying to escape but
Austin's got him. Chop to the throat turns the tide. Headbutt. Head to
the STEEL steps - blocked - blocked - Austin with some rights - now
UNDERTAKER hits the steps. Back in we go, off the ropes, Undertaker puts
a boot in the gut - off the ropes, Austin with a kick, and a hard
clothesline for 2. Off the ropes, reversal, big boot from the Undertaker.
Stomping away - Paul Bearer gets a shot in with his shoe - oops, I think
that's Corporate Ministry interference. Oh well. I bet Austin wins
anyway. Starburst presents a Double Feature - and I HARDLY think a big
boot deserves Double Feature treatment! Back to live action, it's the
Undertaker with a clothesline to take Austin out of the ring. Austin
crawling around - Undertaker out and got him by the hair - whoops, no
hair. Well, you know where. Here's a shot to the head - head to the
STEEL steps again. Kick to the ribs. Head to the barricade. Austin
looks out on his feet here. Austin manages to come back, though, kick,
right, right, knee, piledriver on the ramp doesn't happen as Austin lets
go to take a shot at Paul Bearer, who waddled too close brandishing the
shoe. When Austin turns back around, Undertaker hits a clothesline on the
floor. 'Taker grabs the head, and rolls him back into the ring. Fistdrop
to the back of the head, 1, 2, no. Austin in the corner and Undertaker
stomping away. Undertaker stands him up and throws a right. Whip into
the opposite corner - Austin hits hard. Cover - 1, 2, knee over the
bottom rope. Choke is on for 4. Undertaker again threatens the ref.
Austin sneaks up and scoops him up - but Undertaker falls on him for a
near fall. Reverse chinlock applied and the crowd is chanting Austin's
name. Austin now down to the mat. Austin tries pulling the hair but
Hebner won't have it. Austin slowly going out - the arm slowly lowers but
never falls. Austin rising up and punching out - overhand right, discus
right, but Undertaker takes him down with a clothesline. Scoop and a slam
from the Pale Destroyer. Arm wringer - climbing the turnbuckles - off the
top rope with an axehandle - but only gets 2! Chinlock. Austin covers
his mouth and you can tell they're planning spots thanks to the untimely
closeup. Austin rises to his feet and cracks a jawbreaker. Both men down
and the count is on. Austin's up first - got the leg - dragging him to
the corner - but before he can make a wish - Undertaker kicks him away and
Austin flies over the barricade. Undertaker out, right hand, brings him
back over the barricade and back into the ring. Right hand takes Austin
down. 1, 2, kickout. Again the chinlock. How many times have we SEEN
this match anyway? If it's on "free" TV, may we never see it again.
Austin punching out - off the ropes, Undertaker ducks, off the ropes -
DOUBLE clothesline and both men are down. Zombie situp! Austin kicks
three times, puts him in the corner and kicks even more times. Now off
the ropes, reversal, scoop - Austin slides backwards, gutshot, STUNNER!
1, 2, PAUL BEARER pulls Hebner out! Is that Corporate Ministry
interference? Guess not. Austin manages a hot shot on the Undertaker as
he comes in but Undertaker hits a clothesline on Austin to regain the mo'.
Off the ropes, Austin shrugs him off - hits the gutshot, AND THE STUNNER!
1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new WWF Champion. (12:02)
Austin receives the customary beers (I give you 45% of the total ring
time and you give me LIGHT beer?) - but before he can enjoy any of them,
Undertaker LEVELS Austin with the WWF title belt. Some more refs come out
but Undertaker's on a mission. Right to the forehead, and another -
Austin bleeding now. Austin fights back, but Undertaker won't be denied.
Too bad he didn't fight this hard when he still HAD the belt! Undertaker
clawing at the open wound - Austin makes it to the corner, but Undertaker
is still on him. Ross is screaming. "Austin is getting the hell beaten
out of him! Austin is a bloody mess! Stop this! Stop..."
And we're out.
8 matches, 30:13 bell to bell.
Who raised the briefcase? Will we ever know? Will we care when we DO
know? All this and more - NEXT WEEK!