/19 July 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: CRZ has been complaining about everything from
having to be at CT2.5 to tying with Hyatte at the STc awards. He whines
about WrestleLine in his reports, whines that we're curious enough to ask
him about it, and then whines again about the fact that no one is emailing
him about the WrestleLine question. ... CRZ has made a career out of
whining publically instead of taking his issues to the concerned parties
directly. - Trey Conway, ScoopTHIS Senior Writer, 17 July,
approximately 15 hours before releasing a 2,000 word "response" to a 74
word "news" item included in Bob Ryder's "Notes from Bob"
QUOTE OF THE WEEK #2: I'm a shill. - Bob Ryder, 4 June - because I don't play favourites
Hi! How was YOUR week?
Before I begin tonight's report, I want to share with you that there is a site out there that I love, a site which never fails to make me laugh, a site which has taken the notion of parodizing news of the day and made it into an art form, not only in print, but on the good old World Wide Web.
It's name is The Onion.
Go visit TheOnion.com when you're done here! Tell 'em CRZ sent ya! Then ask them why they feel they can get away with taking a month-long hiatus!
In other news, I don't CARE that the word "slash" is verboten on the WrestleLine forums. I think it's incredibly AMUSING, but still, that doesn't mean I CARE. Stop writing me about it! I don't run the forums!
(The preceding paragraph was meant to be perceived as "public whining" by some, "a blatant attempt to increase hits on the WrestleLine forum" by others, and "another annoying indirect and obscure reference to CRZ's homepage" by my editors - I play all sides against the middle for my own enjoyment)
If this is your first time reading, I should explain. You have to read through all my personal shit before getting the goods...but some will tell you that it's worth it! Others will tell you I shouldn't bother with the boring recap stuff and just go off for ten pages - they are wrong; that gets old REALLY fast. (Right now the copyreader is thinking to himself "Don't I know it," complete with Norm MacDonald inflection) Nonetheless, this column isn't about CRZ, it's about RAW RESULTS, DAMMIT! So increase your font size, sit back and read on...
TONIGHT: The beginning of the End - of an era - you know, I like these promos a lot better for the live shows
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!|
The TV-14-DLV ratings box leads us into a clip of highlights of the Vince McMahon/Steve Austin slow dance, complete with a soundtrack of the words "the end of an era" spoken about a MILLION times. This Sunday, it'll be the...well, you know. Tonight, the beginning of the end!
Closed captioned logo - opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A SPLORN IN YOUR QUAI!
WE ARE TAPED from the Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY 19.7.99 (but taped 13.7) for RAW is WAR! These fireworks are also en espanol donde sea disponible, and I'm PISSED that my local Univision affiliate decided to break into the Max Mini/Mini Nova vs. Mini Batallon/El Torito match to show me Clinton getting off his plane and addressing a worried nation. How did the damn match end?? Anyway, your hosts are JIM ROSS & KEVIN KELLY, as the King is ... elsewhere, apparently.
Here's the CORPORATE MINISTRY come out to remind us why we watch the opening quarter hour - for the *dialouge*, baby! Triple H looks like he's really fighting the urge to let Mr. McMahon's wheelchair just slide down that ramp on its own. Could tonight be the last night we see Mr. McMahon on Monday Night RAW? If you believe that, you probably also can't wait for that Goldberg/Austin main event I keep hearing about because you're incredibly gullible. McMahon asks the audience if they brought their cameras, because this will be the last time we ever see Austin on WWF RAW as the WWF Champion. "So confident am I that Austin will never ever again become World Wrestling Federation Champion, so confident am I that Austin will lose the title this Sunday that I will promise you - no, no, wait a minute - I will *guarantee* you Austin will lose the WWF title this Sunday to the Undertaker." Well, it's in the bank now, kids. Austin loses. The stakes are high, says McMahon - it's the first time he's ever placed his career on the line, "but let me make one thing clear. It's not just me placing my career on the line in the First Blood match this Sunday, it's me placing YOUR career on the line this Sunday, Undertaker, make no mistake about it." "Now we need to just back up one minute, and we need to get one thing straight - NOBODY threatens me, Vince. Nobody. It was You that made the deal with Austin - that's your problem. I have a problem with Austin, and it's personal. The hell with business! At Fully Loaded, I'm gonna open Austin up and I once again will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion - but I'm gonna do it for ME, not YOU." Geez, Vince loves to put his foot in it, doesn't he? "Wait just a minute, you're standing out here before the Corporation, now let me remind all the members of the Corporation, but you specifically. Who signs your cheque, pal, all right? You better think about that! Hell, I *made* you who you are today!" "You get something straight - nobody made me, nobody owns me, and nobody sure as hell tells me what to do." Triple H: "Back off, dead man!" "You put your hands on me one more time, and I'm gonna split your melon just like I'm gonna split Austin's." "This is the guy you trust - this is the guy you trust? Vince, your illustrious career hangs in the balance - your whole damn LIFE hangs in the balance - and you trust HIM? The Undertaker holds all the cards, and not even YOU can trust him, Vince. I proved to you at King of the Ring that I was a team player. Vince, I know damn well who made me - it was you. Unlike Undertaker, I know my place - I know that I'm nothing without you. So Vince, give me a chance to pay you back. Give me my shot, Vince, let me pay you back. Substitute me for the Undertaker Sunday. Give me the shot that was supposed to be mine, and I'll kick Austin's ass for you." "Hey boy, you need to listen up. The road to Fully Loaded and Steve Austin goes through the Undertaker." Vince tells Triple H he might be onto something - Undertaker has Austin on the brain, and he's not sure he can trust him. So tonight on RAW, we'll have a match between Triple H and the Undertaker - the winner gets the shot at Austin in the First Blood End of an Era match, the loser gets the Strap Match with the Rock. Undertaker promises that H's blood will be on his hands tonight, so Sunday he can "bathe in Austin's." Ewwwwww. Anyway, this cues the sound of breaking glass, and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN fixes to pick up the business, driving in in a bloodmobile borrowed from the Central Kentucky Blood Center. Hey, you can't drink beer while you're driving a bloodmobile! Austin still wears a bandage on his noodle from the injury Undertaker keeps opening up - the speculation is that it won't be completely healed by the time Sunday rolls around. Austin promises that tonight he's going to lock Undertaker in the bloodmobile and then draw a sample from Vince's skull, and that's the bottom line. Then he drinks two more beers. I think Austin might have a problem.
TONIGHT: Chyna and the Road Dogg in a Dogg Pound match! In tag team action, Hardcore Holly and the Big Show take on Kane & X-Pac! The Rock and Badd Ass Billy Gunn lock it up! And the aforementioned Triple H/Undertaker matchup.
Heya - split screens show Road Dogg and Chyna - WALKING!
Backstage, Vince and Shane (who was absent in the opening gambit) and
Triple H discuss Austin's threat - Triple H says the Ministry is guarding
the door and he personally promises to be at his side all night - "you
take care of me, I'll take care of you." "You got a deal, Triple H."
ROAD DOGG v. THAT SLUT CHYNA in a Dogg Pound match - back in the olden times, these were called Dog Collar matches. That's a little factoid for all you sports entertainment fans out there. Dogg is TtotheRtotheUtotheE but nobody really has figured out how to sing along with that new spiel yet. I kinda hope Dogg & X-Pac DO lose the DX trademark, just so Dogg has to figure out a new thing to say. Chyna comes out to some incredibly unflattering lighting. Let Us Take You Back to Last Month to show you Chyna interfering in the Dogg Pound match between James and Gunn - I guess my predictions of Chyna yanking the chain between his legs may not come true if they show that spot in this highlight package...Let Us Also Take You Back to King of the Ring, where Gunn wore a cup to protect himself from the Golotta. Now Let's Take You Back Two Weeks to show Chyna getting Dogg and X-Pac arrested. Now Let's Take You Back to Tonight (finally), where Chyna is demurring on putting her half of the double chain on. "You know, they say that all dogs should be collared, and bitch, you see where mine's at." Hey! That's sexist! "I know how kinky you and Triple H are, you probably had something on similar to it last night, so don't be scared girl, lock it up!" Finally, Chyna motions to referee "Blind" Jim Korderas to put the collar on, but before that happens, Chyna tries to rush Dogg, who ducks the clothesline and hits a right hand. Now Dogg's trying to get the collar on here, but who should be sprinting out but KING ASS, who hits Dogg from behind and brings on the doubleteam. This culminates in the old "hang him over the top rope spot," followed by the old X-PAC save spot. Gunn and Chyna make their way back to the top of the ramp, where they gloat. You know, if Triple H, Chyna and Mr. Ass want the money from DX, and X-Pac and Road Dogg want the heart and attitude of DX, why can't they both have what they want? Methinks someone's lying about not wanting the money, myself... I also think Road Dogg & X-Pac win Sunday, since X-Pac would have to get new music if they lost, and we all know how recording new music is a PAIN. Oh, by the way - (no contest)
Back in Mr. McMahon's office, there's a knock at the door - Vince is sure it's Austin, but it's only the Mean Street Posse. Apparently, this was supposed to be funny.
The JVCKaboom!Box presents the JVCKaboom! of the week - Shane's wicked back elbow on Stephanie from last week's show. That elbow was SO LOUD it hurts!
SKIPPY & THE MEAN STREET POSSE come out - after telling the crowd that their "asshole" chant is best reserved for Test, he asks for his sister to come out so he can publicly apologise to her. Backstage, we see STEPHANIE ready to walk out and TEST stopping her. "Steph, where you goin'?" "Angel, he's my brother, I'll be okay, I promise. Just trust me, please." And here she comes. "Stephanie, I would like to apologise for what happened last Monday night. You know that I love you more than any brother can ever love a sister. You know that I would never intentionally strike ... my baby sister. I am sorry, but it wasn't my fault. No no no, it was that derelict Test's fault! It is all his fault! He's been screwing up everything! He's been screwing it all up! This whole situation is out of control! But luckily, Big Brother is here to save the day, and once again, just want to let you know I've been taking care of things. And I've been talking at length to Joey Abs. Steph, Joey has - he's willing to put your differences aside that have happened in the past - Joey Abs is willing to forgive you, Stephanie, and take you back. It'll, it'll be just like it - just like it was supposed to be - you and Joey Abs!" "'Take him back? Like it was supposed to be?' Shane - I went out with Joey one time, and that was becuase you asked me to, and that wasn't a date - it was a nightmare! I don't want any part of you - OR Joey." Joey gets the mic. "Stephanie, don't you remember how good it used to be?" Then he takes her hair. "Now I know, that you blew your first opportunity with me, but I have a big heart, and I am - willing to take you back." Stephanie slaps him one.
"Keep your hands off me - and
YOU and your friends stay the hell out of my life!" And off she goes.
Shane promsies that things are now gonna be done his way "because I will
stop at nothing for YOUR happiness!" Things will be done Mean Street
Style...give it up one time for the posse.
Backstage, Rock is WALKING! He manages to get stopped by an autograph seeker. "All right - what's your name?" "Mark--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Then he makes him flinch. He's still got it!
It's a First Blood Match for the WWF Championship! Undertaker and Steve Austin! (Hey, what about that match tonight? Oh well). WWF Fully Loaded is THIS Sunday, LIVE on Pay-per-view! You MUST have Starbust Hard Candy while you watch it as THEY provide sponsorship!
By my count, we haven't had a match yet. I'm just saying is all...
VAL VENIS & GODFATHER (with ten - no, five ho's) v. CLIPS - last Wednesday, the press conference that shocked the world!! Jesse "the Body" Ventura agreed to be the Special Guest Referee for the WWF title match at SummerSlam - NOW do you THINK that Vince McMahon would book himself out of a job at this Sunday's pay per view and miss the chance to appear with Ventura? No way, Jose.
HARDY BOYZ (with Michael Hayes & no entrance) v. VAL VENIS & GODFATHER (with ten - no, five ho's) v. ACOLYTES (no entrance) v. PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN & DROZ (no entrance) in an Elimination bout for the tag team Championship - we come back from the clips and the ring is magically filled with humanity. Bradshaw starts with ... well, I forget which Hardy is which, and Bradshaw has his way. Hardy tags Prince Albert, who manages a nice powerslam for 1. Sidewalk slam, off the ropes, elbowdrop, 2 count. Whip, reversal, clothesline, whoops that was quick. Albert pinned following the infamous clothesline from Hell - he and Droz are out. (1:27) Venis comes in and starts wailing away on Bradshaw. Bradshaw reverses a whip, Venis ducks but ends up caught in a fallaway slam. Whip into the corner is reversed, and Venis charges into a boot. Finally Venis gets the upperhand, catching a charging Bradshaw into a spinebuster. Bradshaw decides to tag in Jeff Hardy, then gives him a shot for the hell of it, then one for Venis. Venis recovers first and hits a lariat. Tag to Godfather, off the ropes, into a bodyslam from the Godfather, then a quick splash from Venis, quick legdrop from Godfather for 2. Into Venis' boot. Godfather takes Hardy over and tags Bradshaw - don't know why, he seemed to be doing okay on his own - anyway, while Bradshaw and Godfather make eyes at each other, Hardy lurches into a tag of Venis. Bradshaw gets the gutshot and bodyslam first. Grabbing Venis by the (alleged) hair. But Venis fires back with punches - off the ropes - big boot from Bradshaw. Bradshaw off the ropes, but the clothesline from Hell fails to find the mark, and Bradshaw ends up feeling the Godfather's walking stick oops upside his head, and Venis scores a pin (3:42). Matt comes in and ends up in a powerslam. Tag to Godfather, and it's time for the Ho Train avalanche. Pimp Drop coming up as Venis sets up on the top rope - but Faarooq crotches Venis on the top. Jeff hits a top rope Frankensteiner on Venis, then scoots as Matt covers. 1, 2, 3. (4:26) Hardys retain, and will take on the Acolytes in an Acolyte rules handicap match Sunday.
There's Jeff Jarrett and Debra - and - oh my God - they're - they're - they're - WALKING!!
GTV presents BEN STILLER & JANEANE GARAF - GAROF - GAR - YOU KNOW,
THE ONE THAT HANGS WITH STILLER, and TWO OTHER ACTOR TYPES FROM "MYSTERY
MEN" (starting 30 July at a theatre near you! Commence saturation!)
hangin' and bangin' talkin' about rasslin' and puppies. I didn't need
this vignette - and I'm PRETTY sure Stiller is usually funnier than this.
Stiller actually manages to notice the GTV camera and disconnect it,
making him smarter than all the wrestlers featured so far...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. CHRISTIAN for the Intercontinental Title - thank GOD, JERRY LAWLER has arrived to contribute his very special blend of idiotic commentary and pandering to the proceedings. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Jarrett had a bad night at the hands of Austin. Jarrett, on the mic, tells Austin that after he loses his title he best not sniff around for HIS title. Christian has a new entrance and music (or is it his OLD music?) Jarrett asks Christian to show the proper respect for the Greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, so Christian hits a schoolboy for 2. Off the ropes, duck, Jarrett tries a - well, I don't know, but whenever he tries that, it never works - Christian with a powerbomb-alike for 2. Does Jarrett ever actually HIT the 'rana? Christian with a reverse DDT, and SOMEHOW Jarrett kicks out at 2. Christian to the top rope - PLANCHA! But unfortunately, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is watching Debra walk up onto the apron and fails to start the count at the right time - so it's only 2. Christian actually manages his Tomokaze, but again Chioda is talking things over with Debra, and by the time he's around to make the count, it only reaches 2. Christian decides to go outside to take issue with Debra. Jarrett is quickly out, but Christian hits three punches - Jarrett gets his guitar while Chioda tries to restore order outside - Christian ducks the shot and grabs the guitar himself. Back in the ring, before Christian can wallop him, Chioda is back in and manages to take the guitar from him - behind his back, Jarrett reaches from behind and hits the forward Russian legsweep - 1, 2, 3. (2:06) Imagine what that could have been like with, say, ten more minutes...but then we wouldn't have the lights dimming, Gangrel's theme play...and when the lights come up, Jarrett is covered in red Jell-O. Coincidentally, EDGE is walking down the ramp, so Jarrett starts striking him. Here's the brawl, cue the officials and referees...and Edge is left with his brother, wondering who exactly unleashed the red stuff since it wasn't either of them.
Enough of that! Give me the Rock - WALKING!
Triple H tells Chyna to walk out with Mr. Ass - he's gonna be chillin' with McMahon.
During the Break footage shows TERRY TAYLOR catching up with Jarrett, who is gonna give Edge what for at Fully Loaded, oh yes.
ROCK (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. KING ASS (with That Slut Chyna) - I now have a macro that automatically types out "Finally, the Rock has come back to (name of city)" for me! The Rock says that Gunn is suffering from Rock fever, but he'll be happy to take his temperature by taking the thermometer, turning it sideways, and...hey, I think I've heard this before.
Let Us Take You Back three weeks with the
heinous club attack, two weeks with the henious post-cage match attack,
and back to semi-real time as Rock rushes Gunn on the ramp pre-match.
Rock throws him into the ring for the opening bell, and Gunn quickly gets
on him as Rock tries to get in the ring. It's all Gunn now. I live to
watch punches. Truly the scientific and technical excellence we've all
come to expect - that IS a nice splash, though. Too bad Gunn posed - Rock
comes out with a running clothesline. Right, right, right, whip into the
opposite corner - clothesline is ducked and Gunn counters with a
neckbreaker. Ross: "Look at Chyna, that wench." 2 count. Lawler:
"Remember, what you say about others says a lot about you!" Gunn choking
Rock on the second rope for 5, and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has to get
a little physical to break the hold. Right hand from Ass. Off the rope,
Gunn leapfrog, Rock clothesline. But trying to follow up, Gunn steps
aside and sends him over the top rope. Outside goes Mr. Ass - barricade
shot here, STEEL steps shot there. Head to the ALSO STEEL ringpost.
Ross says that doesn't taste good - not even with a little of JR's BBQ
sauce. CRZ may occasionally be a mark for his own initials, but not
NEARLY as much as Jim Ross is for his own barbecue sauce. Gunn breaks the
count, then brings Rock back in the ring. Gutshot - vertical suplex into
a powerslam - Ross says it's a jackhammer-like slam, and I'm confused,
'cause that's GOLDBERG'S move. Gunn with right hands. Rock punches back
and comes off the ropes - into a back elbow from Gunn. 1, 2, no. Gunn to
the rear chinlock. Arm falls, but not enough times. Rock back up, right,
right, right, duck, go behind, off the ropes, Samoan drop. Both men down
- count is on. Both men up at 8 - Rock ducks as Gunn comes off the ropes
- right, right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, right, right,
right, right, Rock makes Hebner flinch, right, right, right, another fake
to the ref, Gunn manages a kick to the gut - off the ropes, Rock manages
to counter by dropping him across the top rope. Rock off the ropes,
floatover DDT, cover - but Hebner is trying to get Chyna off the apron.
Rock spins Hebner around - and then gets spun around himself, by Gunn,
with a right hand. Whip is reversed - Gunn takes Chyna off the apron -
there's the Rock Bottom! While Rock makes a show of throwing his elbowpad
to the fans, Chyna secures a steel chair. As Rock comes off the ropes to
deliver the People's elbow, Chyna waffles him right in the rump (or, as
Ross said "spine") and takes Rock down. The Fame'Asser follows and
there's the pin. (7:25) Ross: "The Rock got JOBBED tonight."
Here's a look at Stone Cold Steve Austin in the locker room - just in case you were considering changing the channel
Here's another look at Vince McMahon and Triple H - Vince is pretty proud of the fact that he signed the contract with Austin's blood, and Triple H is doing a pretty good job sucking up.
Here's another look at that bloodmobile
AL SNOW (with Head) v. BIG BOSSMAN - Snow is apparently having problems with the voices in his head. Umm, his OWN head, not the other one. Ross words in "nuttier than a pet 'coon," oh thank God. Snow goes on to upend the timekeeper, throw several objects into the ring, then beg Bossman to knock him for a loop with the nightstick. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long exhorts Bossman not to use the stick, but WHOOMP! there it is. (DQ 0:00)
Bossman cuffs Snow to the top rope and works him over pretty good.
Snow, of course, smiles while in the choke. Ross: "That man is to be
pitied! And that's the Hardcore Champion!"
The Undertaker sits in darkness and ponders we know not what
Starburst Hard Candy presents the Slam of the Week! From Heat eight days ago, Gangrel turns on Edge by delivering the Impaler. The next night on RAW, Gangrel took Edge down down down through a burning ring o' far.
Another look at Vince - Austin will get him tonight! We didn't see Triple H in this shot...hmmm...
Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by FRAM! And WWF: the Music, Volume 3 available at NRM! And Castrol Motor Oily, where you can get great big WWF Superstar posters!
EDGE (you think you know him) & D'LO BROWN v. MIDEON (with "Midian" tights) & GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far) - Gangrel saves a mouthful of his kool-aid for Brown, but he ducks the mist spew and gets the upperhand; meanwhile, Mideon and Edge brawl inside and then outside. Finally we're getting some semblance of order - Edge is DYING for the tag, but when Brown tags out, Gangrel quickly tags out as well. Edge and Mideon have dueling weirdness on all fours - here's a lockup, side headlock from Mideon - Edge powers up - hard shoulderblock, off the ropes, dueling hiplocks, flippy-flippy dropkick from Edge. Arm wringer by Edge, face rake counter by Mideon. Arm bar into a short-arm clothesline. Scoop and a slam. Mideon going airborne! Second rope axehandle misses - tag to Brown - right hand takes out Mideon, Gangrel comes in and Brown takes HIM out with rights as well. Edge in and on Mideon - they fight closer - Brown and Edge bump backs, look at each other and agree to switch opponents - Gangrel gets the better of Edge, however, setting him down on the apron - Edge manages a hot shot. Brown whips Gangrel into the corner, Mideon into Gangrel, then catapults Edge into a spear on Gangrel which knocks him out - to the outside. Brown with the Sky-Hi on Mideon! 'Lo Down! 1, 2, 3. (2:52)
Austin - WALKS!
Ventura newspaper clips, video highlights, and press conference snippets. That clip where Ventura fails to shake McMahon's hand is classic.
During the Break footage shows the camera following Austin...to the
water cooler. Oops. Austin says he'll tell the cameraman when it's time
to go draw blood...jackass.
TEST v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Shane elbowed Stephanie, now Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Stephanie delivered a open-handed slap to Joey Abs. Blackman's cool music has been replaced with his vignette music. He carries his bag o' weapons to ringside. This "Silent Assassin" bit was meant for Ken Shamrock almost a year ago, but got dropped - it was a good idea with Shamrock then, and it's a good idea with Blackman now, so I'm glad they're doing it with SOMEBODY. Test goes outside and strikes first - head to the STEEL steps! Test takes Blackman in, then goes down as he tries to get in himself. Head to the buckle is blocked, and Test takes him there instead. Whip off the ropes is reversed - MISSILE SHOULDERBLOCK! Blackman picks up Test - backbreaker over the knee. Now to a half crab, and holding the rope for balance - no, NOT for leverage, Blackman doesn't NEED to cheat. Blackman continues on the back. Whip into the corner, kick to the chest. Double underhook, butterfly suplex. Off the ropes, Test manages a kick and a clothesline. Clothesline ducked, back elbow ducked, Blackman with a spinebuster. Blackman's trying to separate his head from his body now. Hard shot. Scoop and a slam. Off the ropes - elbowdrop misses. Blackman quickly back on him - but Test ducks the Lethal Kick, hits a gutshot to double him over, and there's a gutwrench into a powerbomb. Both men up at 2, Test with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, 3 times - off the ropes, big boot from Test (he's JUST like Diesel!) - Test off the turnbuckle, but eating a boot. Off the ropes, hiptoss attempt countered into a swinging neckbreaker. Pump handle - but the MEAN STREET POSSE is in. (DQ 3:53) Test manages a nice spear tackle of Joey Abs, but there are THREE of the, after all. Blackman hangs back and watches while the Posse puts on the tripleteam. Shane directs traffic, then slaps Test. KEN SHAMROCK is out with a baseball bat, and the Posse takes their leave. Blackman, meanwhile, pulls out some - well, Jim Ross told me what they were but neither I nor the closed captioning guy have a clue. There's a staredown - and Blackman walks off as his music plays. This Sunday they'll fight in the Iron Circle!
There's another look at the Undertaker - he's leaving the locker room! He's WALKING!
Countdown to the Millennium - somebody related the spelling mistake to the WWF, finally, I see. They still had it wrong last night for Heat!
GvsE promo features Triple H & Chyna - yup
During the Break footage shows Steve Blackman, silently walking away. Only Steve Blackman can make walking out of the building SO entertaining.
BIG SHOW & HARDCORE HOLLY v. X-PAC & KANE - didn't we see this on Heat last month? Let Us Take You Back to Heat where everybody chokeslammed everybody else on many separate occasions. We have now finally established that Holly is chummy with the Big Show, who visibly shows amusement at Holly's antics. This Sunday's Kane/Big Show match features Holly as a special guest referee, which none of us needed, but may prove entertaining at the PPV. For the first time in a million years, X-Pac gets no pyro love. It must have affected his thought processes, because he's telling Kane he doesn't want him teaming up with him tonight. Holly commences attacking from behind, while Big Show catches up with Kane on the outside.
Holly hits a nice brainbuster variant I should
probably know the name of but don't, leaving X-Pac in the ring. Kane
manages to shrug off the Big Show and run him into the ringpost, so Holly
comes to Big Show's aid by serving as a gnat to Kane. While these three
are occupied, UNDERTAKER comes out and chokeslams X-Pac for no apparent
reason. Now he's got the STEEL steps and ramming them into the Big Show's
back (yow!) and into Holly's head. Another shot for Show, another one for
Holly (which must have totally missed to be that loud). Undertaker
motions to Kane, and they both walk off...only Kane turns back to tend to
X-Pac in the middle of the ring. Is he going to finish him off? No, he's
standing over him - Undertaker catches up and tells Kane it's over.
Undertaker shouldn't stand next to Kane 'cause it makes him look way outta
shape. Fortunately for all of us, the normal replay is shown on the
Titantron instead of on the TV screen - this is so Kane can see Undertaker
chokeslam X-Pac and very, VERY slowly put 1 and 1 together. Undertaker
attempts to reason with him but Kane grabs him by the neck and delivers a
chokeslam! Ross throws out "Who's your daddy Undertaker?" and I was gonna
say "Paul Bearer" but I was just confused - KANE'S father is Paul Bearer,
okay. Anyway, Kane - who never had a heart until he met X-Pac, grabs him
and they go up the ramp. While we see Undertaker making evil faces on the
Titantron, X-Pac gets all weepy and then they're HUGGING. Awwwww.
Thbbbpht. I guess it's another (No contest? DQ? - MAYBE 2 minutes)
First Blood to seal the end of an era! Fully Loaded Starburst Hard Candy PPV ad #2
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Ross calls it one of the most emotional moments ever on RAW - I'll admit some emotions were raised in me, but probably not the one's they're going for - anyway, Kane DOES manage to convey more with some defiant hand motions than an awful lot of actors - well...porno actors...but STILL actors!
Starburst Hard Candy presents WWF Fully Loaded! Give it some JUICE!
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna & Vincent K.) v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a #1 Contender's Match - So Undertaker walked all the way backstage so he could come out again? Eh. I guess we have to have his entrance (which IS pretty cool). Nice shot of McMahon smirking. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner probably wants no part of this - who do the fans root for anyway? H ducks the first shot and fires away with repeated rights, then pushes away Hebner as he tries to get it out of the corner - this is all the Undertaker needs to get in HIS licks. This quickly spills outside - Undertaker points a finger at Chyna and then continues on Triple H. Head to the STEEL steps. Right hand. More menacing for the ref. H thrown back in, Undertaker follows. Head to the buckle, whip into the opposite corner, double choke, but Helmsley goes to the eyes to break it. Right, right, right, kick, kick, right, whip is reversed, Undertaker runs into a back elbow but fires back with a lariat. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes - elbowdrop finds nothin'. Helmsley clotheslines Undertaker out of the ring - but he lands on his feet. Chyna gets in her shot on Undertaker - as he turns to go after her, Helmsley comes off the apron with a double sledge. Ross reminds us for the thousandth time that Helmsley earlier said "You take care of me Vince, and I'll take care of you." Right, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Helmsley is a SCIENTIST!
Got him by the hair
but instead of bringing him back in, Undertaker drops and it's a hot shot.
Off the ropes, Helmsley high knee! 1, 2, kickout. Meanwhile, Austin wakes
up the cameraman and told him it was time to go. Back in the ring,
Undertaker has Helmsley in the chokeslam! Got him ready for the tombstone
- but STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is in and on the Undertaker (DQ 4:22)
Triple H watches for a while, then decides he better make a save ... but
THE ROCK is out and on Helmsley. They're brawling over the barricade and
out of the picture. Meanwhile, Austin and Undertaker are over the other
barricade and making their way to the bloodmobile, looks like. Sure
enough, Austin is coming back and now he's got Undertaker by the hair -
they're VERY SLOWLY making their way through the crowd to the bloodmobile.
Hey, you know what would be funny? If this was a BOOKMOBILE! How did the
front windshield get smashed up anyway? I must have missed that.
Back'n'forth brawl - a crowd mic is destroyed but since we're taped, you
don't hear the great big THUD. Finally, we reach the end of this skirmish
when Austin shrugs off Undertaker and locks him in the back of the
bloodmobile ("HOW'S MY DRIVING? 1-800-775-2522") and now he's making his
way back to McMahon, who has strangely enough been left all alone at
ringside in his wheelchair. Austin takes his Smokin' Skull belt from the
ring, then grabs a beer, then wheels McMahon out in front of the
commentary table - right hand, belt to the head, there's a shot of Vince
bleeding, Austin signs the contract (finally!) and then clotheslines
Vince's chair to the floor. While Austin drinks some Pabst in the ring,
Paul Bearer (oh yeah, where'd HE go?) opens up the bloodmobile and lets
Undertaker out. Undertaker makes his way back to the ring and lets loose
with a right hand, loaded with a beer can. For an encore, Undertaker
takes the beer can and rips at Austin's forehead with it. Ewwwwww...
Undertaker dumps Austin next to McMahon, who is bleeding somethin' fierce.
Undertaker dips his fingers in Austin's blood, then runs them along his
cheeks. Ewwwww again! By the way, Vince's bladejob puts Austin's to
shame here. Ross says "Somebody's gonna bleed!" a couple hundred times
then follows up with "end of an era" just one more time. NO MORE!
Next week: the End of Another Era.