/26 July 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS: A lot of people have written me, all confused about Triple H's references
to the Clique, and the "infamous MSG incident" - specifically, what the
heck are they talking about?
I forget sometimes that a whole heap of folks had absolutely no interest in this wrestling thing back in 1995 and 1996, and as such, have absolutely no idea what to think when references are made to events that (seem like they) are so recent. Nonetheless, I'm here for you, baby.
The first thing I have to define for you is da Clique - I believe it was Wade Keller who coined the name for Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, Diesel, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and the 1-2-3 Kid - generally the five guys who had the ear of the bookers and generally played the part of the prima donnas in making sure they were Kings of the Mountain when it came to angles and whatnot, at least according to leaks from the disgruntled non-Cliquers who ratted out at the time.
The only problem is that 1995 and 1996 were pretty low times for the WWF - and wrestling in general. As cool as it is today, wrestling was about as geeky and uncool in the mainstream perception and the gates and buyrates reflected it. This didn't do wonders for morale, as you might imagine - and it CERTAINLY didn't help when you had a cadre of chums putting themselves above the rest of the locker room.
Razor Ramon, who we know today as Scott Hall, and Diesel, who we know today as Big Poochie Kevin Nash, both had contracts up around the same time - and both knew they could do better with WCW. Hall also had some rumoured problems with a wacky weed - which may explain why he spent most of his final two months off television, save a final job to put Vader over at the "Good Friends, Better Enemies" In Your House. Diesel got pushed into one of his best matches, main eventing with Shawn Michaels one last time in a great brawl that saw Mad Dog Vachon's prosthetic leg get ripped off for the first time in the WWF. But I digress.
The ACTUAL final appearance of Hall and Nash came 19 May 1996 at a Madison Square Garden house show where, following a main event cage match between Michaels and Diesel, Ramon and Helmsley came out to check on their respective mates (heel for heel and face for face). Then, in a complete break of character as well as the (at the time) basic tenet of wrestling that good guys and bad guys don't be gettin' along now, all four men embraced and flashed the infamous "Kliq hand gesture" (which has since evolved into the Wolfpack sign) to the (probably mostly disinterested, and filing out) crowd.
Conspiracy theorists suggested that there was hell to pay for this *grrrrrievous* display of business-exposing - but unfortunately, 80% of the Clique was unavailable to take their medicine - the Kid was out with an injury (and soon to be released, but that's ANOTHER story), Nash and Hall were out, and Michaels was untouchable as WWF Champeen. So, Helmsley was the odd man out - or in, as it were. In the doghouse.
People are convinced that Helmsley was to be pushed to the King of the Ring and not Steve Austin. Helmsley was on the verge of GREATNESS! Only to be pushed down just as he was hitting his stride! Oh, the *injustice*!
So is it PLAUSIBLE? Certainly.
Is it a bunch o' horse shit? Just as likely.
The whole situation bears another look since we are once again reliving it as if it was bona-fide fact - despite the fact that Ross just HAPPENED to drop in his commentary last night that it was all a fabrication on the part of "the Internet and the newsletters," a comment which has just enough "shoot" in it to appeal to my better speculative instincts. Mainly, Ross is a genius in getting you to believe what HE *wants* you to believe (go back through his Ross reports if you don't believe me) - even if he's working you to your face and you don't realise it until MONTHS down the road. I'm trying to learn that from him - is it working? Ha!
Anyway, let's start with the PPV appearances of the former Terra Ryzin - or was that Jean Paul Levesque? - in the WWF. Big ups to the Wrestling Supercards and Tournaments page - one of the GREATEST resources a wrestling fan could ever want.
SummerSlam (August 1995)
Pinned Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly
In Your House #3 (September 1995)
Did not appear - Pinned by "Makin' a difference" Fatu in a dark match
In Your House #4 (October 1995)
Pinned "Makin' a difference" Fatu
Survivor Series (November 1995)
Pinned by Undertaker in a Survivor Series match that saw all four faces survive
In Your House #5 (December 1995)
Won a "Hog pen match" against Henry Orpheus Godwinn
Royal Rumble (January 1996)
Lost via DQ to Duke Droese in the free for all match
Was #1 in the Rumble - didn't win
In Your House #6 (February 1996)
Pinned Duke Droese
WrestleMania XII (March 1996)
Pinned by Ultimate Warrior in under two minutes
In Your House: Good Friends, Better Enemies (April 1996)
Did not appear - Pinned Mark Mero in a dark match
INSERT MSG INCIDENT HERE
In Your House: Beware of Dog (May 1996 - a week later)
Pinned by Mark Mero
King of the Ring (June 1996)
Did not appear, having lost to Jake Roberts on a RAW qualifier - DID pin Aldo Montoya in a dark match, however
In Your House: International Incident (July 1996)
Did not appear
SummerSlam (August 1996)
Did not appear
In Your House: Mind Games (September 1996)
Did not appear - pinned by Jake Roberts in a dark match
Well, there's four non-appearances, something for the conspiracy theorists out there to point to. However, there are a few things to keep in mind here:
Anyway, if you look at Helmsley's matches following this (maybe) "doghouse" period, he seems to do all right - again, you put that qualification "for a midcard heel" after it and he looks even better...
In Your House: Buried Alive (October 1996)
Pinned by Steve Austin (after a distraction from Mr. Perfect)
won Intercontinental Championship next night on RAW when Perfect turned on Mero
Survivor Series (November 1996)
Pinned by Mark Mero in a Survivor Series elimination match that saw Rocky Maivia as the sole survivor
In Your House: It's Time (December 1996)
Lost via countout to Marc Mero - but retained Intercontinental championship
Royal Rumble (January 1997)
Picked up Curtis Hughes as a butler
Pinned Goldust to retain IC championship
Didn't win the Royal Rumble, though
(Lost Intercontinental Championship on "Thursday RAW Thursday" 13.2.97)
In Your House: Final Four (February 1997)
Pinned by IC Champ Rocky Maivia in a return bout when Goldust distracted Helmsley - Chyna debuted here, shaking up Marlena
WrestleMania XIII (March 1997)
Pinned Goldust thanks to another Chyna/Marlena moment
In Your House: 'taker's Revenge (April 1997)
Did not appear
In Your House: A Cold Day in Hell (May 1997)
Pinned Flash Funk
And so on...
If anything, we knew that he MUST have been forgiven - if indeed he was ever really in trouble - when Shawn and Hunter displayed a clip from the "infamous MSG incident" up on the TitanTron on the 6.10.97 episode of RAW. Of course, it was played as a "shoot" on TV, but following CRZ's "Work or Shoot" Law (roughly paraphrased as "If you're watching it on TV, it's a work") you and I knew better.
John Petrie has a pretty good FAQ about this whole Clique business, which he wrote in October 1997 shortly after the abovementioned episode of RAW. That and what I wrote put together will probably make you a smart-ass know-it-all "smart" expert - and all at no cost to you, the reader! NOW how much would you expect to pay?
What was my point? Ummm....HERE! Here's a bunch of INFORMATION! ENJOY!!
All right, onto the present - and no better time!
TONIGHT: Triple H takes on Ken Shamrock! Last night was the end of an era - tonight a new era begins!
The over/under for Vince McMahon appearing is seven minutes, by the
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV still shots from last night's "first blood - end of an era" match show Austin secure the victory against the Undertaker by waffling him with a TV camera (sorry Rick, X-Pac's VanDaminator didn't do SHIT) and busting him wide open - it was the end of an era for Mr. McMahon - tonight, a new era begins on RAW!
Opening credits - closed captioning symbol - RAW IS WAR'S A MOURN FOR VINCE K.!
FIREWORKS! WE ARE LIVE from the Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH 26.7.99 for WWF RAW is WA--
We cut backstage to see UNDERTAKER dismantling X-PAC - ROAD DOGG trying to come to the aid but getting pasted with a Surge canister - sorry, I meant to say "Hansen's Energy Drink" - filled with ice. Undertaker and X-Pac are now out to the ring. Straight right hand sends X-Pac to the mat. Raining down rights. Choking him out now. The lights dim, the wall of flame lights up, the music starts, and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE comes out - is he actually RUNNING for once? Kane is getting the better of this back-and-forth, when WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW comes out to swing the momentum back in the other direction. Kane valiantly tries to take care of both men but ultimately goes down to the double team. Crowd is chanting for Austin but that's not how we're telling the story tonight. Sure is funny to see "THE BIG SHOW" on his rump, isn't it? Knee to the groin from the Big Show to Kane for good measure - now Undertaker and Big Show sharing a stare - hand extended, hand shook! Looks like we have an alliance between these two behemoths (or bohemoths, if you prefer).
In the back, we see a black limousine arrive. The driver walks around to the door, opens it, and - WHOA! It's VINCENT K.! I was off by thirty seconds...that scares even me.
The Rock stands around and occasionally ingests some Chef Boyardee ravioli
Happy Hour is NEXT! Sherman Hemsley is NOT related to Hunter Hearst Helmsley! I think
Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear in a "GvsE" promo - still haven't watched it, still won't watch it. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
"During the Break" footage shows Kane carrying X-Pac away, after unleashing a ... yell of some sort. I didn't think he had the pipes to do that, but far be it for me to worry about continuity - ha!
Live shot shows X-Pac being loaded into an ambulance while Kane looks on.
Your hosts are JIM ROSS, JERRY LAWLER & A BOTTLE OF HANSEN'S ENERGY DRINK. What a way to start RAW! Why is Mr. McMahon here? Triple H takes on Ken Shamrock - TONIGHT! And some other stuff.
HARDCORE HOLLY is the guest ring announcer for the opening match. Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks where Holly answered the challenge of the (two) Acolytes with less than pleasant results. Holly gives a good shove to reg'lar announcer TONY CHIMEL (YOU spell it) and starts in with the ego. He announces the former Broodmates as weighing "about a buck and a quarter - and that's with Christian's legs wrapped up to make 'em look bigger!"
EDGE (you think you know him) & CHRISTIAN (cage) v. ACOLYTES for
the tag team championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night on Heat
when Gangrel interfered on Christian's behalf, red misting Viscera to help
Christian get the victory, and then later interfering in the
intercontinental title match AGAINST Edge. Holly announces the champs as
weighing in at a ton and poster boys for the Ab Rollers because "they need
a lot of work on their abs." Let Us Take You Back to the still shots from
Fully Loaded and show you how the Acolytes regained the titles by pinning
Michael Hayes. Christian and Faarooq start - Faarooq displaying his usual
"unhappy" face. Faarooq with words for referee "Blind" Teddy Long -
hmmm... Anyway, Faarooq with the early advantage, but Christian hits a
nice spinning heel kick and tags in Edge. Double hiptoss - Faarooq tags
in Bradshaw. Ross tells us that Ken Shamrock was hit by a car. Bradshaw
with a shoulderblock on Edge. Off the ropes, up and over, hiptoss attempt
goes nowhere, clothesline ducked, schoolboy by Edge for 2. Into the
corner, reversed, elbow up to block the charge, off the ropes,
shoulderblock by Edge, tag out. Off the ropes again, reversed, big boot
from Bradshaw. Tossed through the ropes and Faarooq is happy to take
Christian's head to the STEEL steps. Tag as he's thrown back in - Faarooq
with punches - up for the Dominator, but Christian wriggles free and hits
a DDT. Leaning for the tag - and making it. Dropkick! Dropkick!
Christian back in and both men working on Bradshaw - Edge on all fours -
Christian stepping up - but Bradshaw catches him and slams him down. Now
GANGREL is out and extricating Christian from the match. Double
shoulderblock off the ropes on Edge. Double powerbomb! Bradshaw covers -
1, 2, 3. (3:41) Holly: "And your winner - ME! The Big Shot, Hardcore
Holly!" and he rushes the Acolytes. Of course, the Acolytes quickly take
charge of the situation - there's a neat double spinebuster. The lights
go out and the pyro goes off again, as does the music - THROUGH HELL FIRE AND
BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE is out again - chokeslam for Bradshaw! Chokeslam for
Faarooq! Chokeslam for Holly (the crowd LOVES that one)! Chokeslam for
Edge! Kane ... asking for the mic? He's got the voicebox - crowd is loud
for the big man. "You hurt Sean - you hurt me - Undertaker - Big Show -
tonight I'm gonna hurt you." And Kane strides up the ramp
In the back, Shamrock is once again yelling at some EMT's who are only trying to help. He gets up off the stretcher, holding his arm, and walks off.
We have some footage! It's another angle following the ambulance as it drives away - we see Shamrock checking things out - and a car comes in from stage left and broadsides him. The door opens - STEVE BLACKMAN steps out, stands over Shamrock - then puts on his sunglasses and gets back in the car to drive away. Blackman is one BAD mofo.
Hey, look! It's Mr. McMahon! And - oh boy - he's WALKING!
Say! That looks like Steve Austin! And he too - is WALKING!
It's VINCENT K. coming out to no music and slowly walking down the ramp to the ring. You know, he's not supposed to be here. Hey! BEN STILLER is in the front row tonight! "I come before you tonight not to break a promise - I come before you tonight not to breach a contract. I come before you tonight to honour both a promise and a contract. Because let's face it, I've never ever lied to any one of you - I've never lied to anyone. I've always kept my promises. I've always fulfilled my obligations. And only once have I not made good on my guarantees. And let's face it: last night, for the first time in my life, I failed. I failed when Stone Cold defeated the Undertaker. For those of you who watched the pay-per-view in its final moments, Vince McMahon was down on the canvas, down amongst the beer, the sweat, the blood and the grime - agonising in pain, after suffering not one but TWO devastating Stunners...and I just know that that final moment -
that that's not
the way that you would want to remember Vince McMahon. So therefore
tonight, I have taken the liberty to come before you to say a more formal
farewell. [Cue "asshole" chant] So tonight, this is the way that I want
you to remember Vince McMahon - the way that I look tonight. I want you
to remember me for who I am...a handsome, affluent entrepeneur who left
his indelible mark on each and every one of you. I thank you very much."
Cue the breaking of glass, and bring on the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
makes his way to the ring and poses at all four corners. "You know, I'm
glad you came out here...'cause I'd like to get something off my chest!
Austin, you know...Austin, you know and I know that on the surface, on the
outside, it would appear as though we're worlds apart, but down deep, on
the inside - WAY down on the inside - Austin, you know damn well we're
just alike. The only difference is, I always have been, and I always will
consider myself the better man. No, I don't mean it that way. Just to
prove it - just to prove it - put her there." And Vince extends his hand.
Austin stares at it...and grabs the mic from Vince. "You want me to put
her there? You just want me to come out here after two years and shake
your little hand? I got a problem with that!" Then Austin asks the crowd
if he should snap off his arm and shove it up his ass...gee, that's real
big of him. Austin goes on about shoving objects up various orifices
again. Austin says that the worse Vince made things for him, the more fun
he had - all he did was prove that he could never beat him. Austin calls
Jim Ross up into the ring and asks him to lead the crowd in song, which
Ross is more than happy to do. "Na na na na / na na na na / oh hell yeah
/ goodbye..." Twenty thousand voices rise as one, preferring the
traditional "hey hey hey" instead of the customised "oh hell yeah."
Vince leaves the ring - but not before receiving a final double bird from
Austin. Vince walks up the ramp - for the last time? Ha. Ross waves
from the ring. Vince turns back...and delivers a double bird of his own.
Austin's music starts up again and it's time for some beer. ("I take
Vince off television, and you give me LIGHT beer?") Austin gives a beer
to Ross, who is happy to down it (hey Ross, don't drink that beer - it'll
slur your speech! Oh ... I'm sorry) - Austin has a second beer as Ross
rejoins Lawler. Ross is giddy to the point of getting the first mute of
the night ("God damn son of a bitch?") as Austin walks back up the ramp.
Fully Loaded encore is *Tuesday night!*
As Vince gets ready to get back into his limo, he's stopped by HOWARD FINKEL, who's in tears and breaking up inside. "Vince, please - Vince, before you go I've wanted to tell you something. After 24 years with you, I never thought I'd say this to you - but ... goodbye. Thank you for everything. And I love you, Vince." The fink's crying. Vince (sneering): "Get the hell away from me." Well, I'm not sure what purpose THAT served, but at least we have a possible trivia answer. Who was the last person to talk to Vince on Monday Night RAW? Of course, Vince'll be back next week. Ha!
Chef Boyardee presents the 1999 edition of SUMMERSLAM!
VAL VENIS & GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. DROZ & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN in a Street Fight -
Val takes the mic and forgoes his
usual spiel to vent anger at Droz & Albert for some reason. He's wearing
a shirt and pants instead of his towel. One of these ho's is not like the
others / one of these ho's does not belong. / Can you tell me which ho is
not like the others / now before I finish my song? That's right, that one
how is a real skank who should be covering up JUST a little bit more of
herself!! Tonight following RAW, catch the WWF on the Home Shopping
Network! (But not on the West Coast, of course). Everybody clashes
before the bell, Venis and Droz on the outside and Albert and Godfather in
the ring. Albert punching away, head to the buckle, as we see Venis shove
Droz into the barricade. Hard whip into the buckle by Albert. Now he's
choking Godfather. Into the other corner - Albert charges but Godfather
steps aside. Droz ducks the splash and he goes over the top rope to the
floor. Albert follows. Spanish announce table is involved. What
happened to Carlos Cabrera, anyway? Savio Vega's in his chair... oh
ther's a match going on. Albert and Godfather fighting in the crowd,
Venis and Droz in the ring. Now SOME FAN is beating up the Godfather -
he's dressed in all white and you, like me, are thinking "plant, plant" -
that guy sure looks familiar but I can't place him...anyway security
mainstay JIM DOTSON takes him out of the shot and to the waiting arms of
the police. Back to THIS match, Venis clotheslines Droz out to the floor,
Godfather hits the Ho train avalanche on Albert, followed by the Money
Shot on Venis for the pin (2:58) and not only is this the shortest Street
fight on record, but it's also the first one to not involve the use of
weapons! I guess I should also note that Droz is dressed like a man.
Droz and Albert walk out through the crowd...near the arrested guy, I
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews THE ROCK - rather, he models the Rock's T-shirts and elbow pad while the Rock directs the shot onto himself. Triple H may have beaten him, but it took three people to do it. He's gonna give Mr. Ass what for, and he's gonna cure Chyna's Rock fever. Both actions involve objects being shoved up various candyasses. "Michael Cole, this microphone stinks - what is the problem?" Cole holds up his hand to smell it - and Rock promptly smacks his hand, causing him to smack his own nose. Ha!
The Unites States Coast Guard Rescue of the Week is D'Lo Brown rescuing the European Title from being worn around the waist of Mideon by pinning him following the 'Lo Down frog splash.
Here's an exterior of the Gund Arena. And HERE'S an interior of Ben Stiller! Let's segue into
an ad for "Mystery Men" - I might have liked this movie if I hadn't been saturated with ads for it over the past four or five weeks. As it stands, I probably won't bother
What's the name of TRIPLE H's theme, anyway? My guess is "My Time" since it seems to be screeched at fairly regular intervals - of course, I could be totally wrong on those lyrics. But they seem to fit with this current main event push, don't they? As H and THAT SLUT CHYNA make it into the ring, the RAW credits make their appearance as does the TV-14-DLV ratings box. By the way, you may not have heard this, but My Top Secret Source have divulged to me that Jesse Ventura himself will referee the main event at SummerSlam! Yeah, I can't believe it myself! "Austin! You come out here - you call JR in the ring - you get these idiots to sing your little song - well I really don't give a crap! Because, as of last night, it's no longer about you ... and it's no longer about Vince ... it's about one thing ... it's about me! Because Austin,
man to man I can beat
YOU!" H is doing his Michaels-esque delivery here. "For the last six
months I have watched you like a hawk, Austin. I have seen your every
move. You have not taken a breath, you have not blinked an eye without me
seeing it. Austin, I know you like the back of my hand. I know your
strengths and I DAMN sure know each and every one of your weaknesses! At
SummerSlam, Austin, no matter what the hype says, it's not gonna be an Out
of Body Experience - to hell with Jesse "the Body" Ventura because he's
not gonna be a factor! And as great as she is, the ninth wonder of the
world Chyna is not gonna be a factor either! Because, Austin it's gonna
come down to you and me. It's gonna come down to one to one, face to
face, man to man! And Austin, I know you. You're like me - you eat,
sleep, breathe this business. But Austin, while you might be a student of
the game. At SummerSlam, I'm gonna show you - and I'm gonna show the
world - I - AM - THE GAME!" Chyna: "Hey Rock, you talk real tough from
the back - now apparently you have something to say to me - it's just too
bad you don't have the BALLS to say it to my face!" Of course, cue the
music, cue the ROCK, and if you've been studying the game long enough you
know that we need to cue KING ASS attacking from behind. The camera
misses it, but Gunn's got his Billy Club and cracks it across his head.
Ross tries very hard to only call him "Mr. Ass" or "Ass." Ass holding the
Rock and Chyna delivers the Golota. Ass takes the mic. "Rock, now you
know YOUR role - BITCH." Triple H (who Ross calls "Helmsley" - must be
putting all his energy into not saying "Gunn"), Chyna, and Ass walk back
up the ramp. Rock comes to and gets the mic, stopping them at the top of
the ramp. "Hey jabrones! The Rock says this: Badd Ass Billy Gunn, if you
got a set of balls; and Chyna, the Rock knows you got some too - then your
candyass and your candyass meet the Rock tonight, Handicap match, and then
the Rock will take his left boot, take his right boot, turn 'em sideways
and stick 'em straight up your candyasses...if you smelllllll what the
Rock is cookin'." Gunn and Chyna are generally amused by this - which
seems to indicate that they accept. Gunn - fondles his genitals? I don't
Hey, it's the Undertaker, Paul Bearer and the Big Show - and together, they are WALKING!
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where the Undertaker took X-Pac out for the night as a form of revenge for his actions last night. Kane and the Big Show ended up getting involved - and there's the handshake that sealed the heel......turn. Later, X-Pac was loaded into an ambulance while Kane looked on - Kane's a pretty good actor given the limitations of the part, by the way - you knew that already.
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE in a Handicap Match - if Big Show's gonna be a heel, shouldn't he get some less... "happy" ... music? I still laugh at the fact that "THE BIG SHOW" is written 'cross his posterior. That wall of flame is certainly getting good use tonight. Big Show meets Kane on the ramp, but he ducks and strikes with chops to the throat. Undertaker attacks from behind to turn the tide. Both men having their way with Kane - rolled in for the opening bell. Big Show headbutt. Whip into the corner - Kane comes out with a clothesline, but Big Show doesn't go anywhere. Enziguiri! Big Show looks angered. Kane points to his brother - tag to the Undertaker. Rights exchanged, now Kane getting the better of him - whip into the corner - another hard whip - clothesline as Undertaker comes out of the corner. Chop, off the ropes, kick from Undertaker, clothesline ducked, Undertaker clotheslines him out of the ring. Big Show meets him there. Head to the apron - chair secured. Kane with a boot to the gut, steals the chair and waffles him across the head. Undertaker coming over. Chair to the gut - chair to the back. Kane throws the chair into the ring and the rolls in Undertaker.
Undertaker crawls over
to the chair as Big Show gets up on the apron, distracting Kane into
giving HIM a shot. When he turns back around, Undertaker packs a wallop.
Apparently, this is the first chairshot referee "Blind" Mike Chioda sees
because he calls for the bell (DQ 2:08) while Kane very slowly does the
zombie situp. Undertaker unleashes another chair to the head, and
commences stomping on his head. Big Show back in the ring and while
Undertaker punches at his head ... ROAD DOGG is out - stinging jabs have
very little effect - AHHHHHHHHHHHthechokeslam!! Both men back on Kane,
who slumps to the canvas. Big Show holding him up while Undertaker
unleashes rights and lefts on his jaw. Stomping on him - big ol'
elbowdrop from Show. One more stomp for the Road Dogg for good measure,
one more for Kane for good measure. Both men left laying in the ring.
Backstage, we see Debra being photographed - then we see Jeff Jarrett dragging her away because it's time for HIS interview. That wacky Jarrett - always a spoil sport when it comes to letting us catch a glimpse of Debra's tits.
Countdown to the Millennium is still moving on
RAW is WAR is brought to you by FRAM! FRAM! FRAM! And 1-800-CALL-ATT, and Castrol Motor Oily. And FRAM! Say it with me! FRAM!
Ross says the Millennium happens two weeks from tonight as JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA make it to the ring. Jarrett says there are no puppies in our future because tonight is about the Greatest Intercontinental Champion of Allllllllllll Time - what, the Honky Tonk Man? Jarrett invites BEN STILLER into the ring. Jarrett asks Stiller why he's in town - Stiller says he "wanted to see some World Class wrestling" but the von Erichs were out of business so he came to see some WWF wrestling instead. Jarrett and Stiller shamelessly shill "Mystery Men" like Stiller was Chucky or something. Stiller sucks up to Jarrett - if he REALLY wanted to make me think he was a fan, instead of telling Jarrett he's "the best," he would have said "you're the greatest! Ain't you great? You're greater than great!" All right, let's wrap it up. "Tell everybody in here: WHO is your favourite WWF Superstar?" "That's easy, Jeff, that's easy. There are two of them - THE PUPPIES!" Jarrett, apparently hoping for a different answer, hits a forearm to take Stiller down. Stomping away on him. Stiller crawling into the corner, but Jarrett drags him back to the centre of the ring - FIGURE FOUR!! Debra screaming to Jeff to stop it - but it ain't happening. Stiller tapping out as if that'll help - that's always funny. D'LO BROWN runs into the ring and clotheslines Jarrett. Jarrett gets in a punch, but there's the Sky-Hi! And THERE'S the 'Lo-Down! Debra took the opportunity to briefly bury Stiller's head in hear cleavage by way of consoling him. Brown checking on Stiller, who is unable to walk from the figure four. Jarrett forces Debra to pick up the belt and then they walk back up the ramp, Debra protesting most of the way. Brown carrying Stiller out now.
Hey, look! It's Steve Austin! And instead of walking, he's - PACING!
Encore presentation ad #2
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago when Jeff Jarrett assaulted Ben
Stiller. That Jeff Jarrett - first William Shatner, then Chuck Norris,
and now Ben Stiller! He sure seems to have problems with celebrities!
Spot shadow shows Stiller feeling Debra up. Man, that D'Lo Brown does one
AWESOME frog splash.
Backstage, we see Helmsley WALK into Austin's locker room.
IVORY (and her scarf) make their way to the ring. Ross tries to plug the Home Shopping Network appearance but he's too late as Ivory's started talking. "It's nice to be seen, thank you very much. Now you're probably all wondering where Nicole Bass is. Well Nicole Bass is a pain in my ass, and she, quite frankly, isn't good enough to stand by the champ. Now listen, last time we had so much fun with that whole Rocky Balboa thing, so I thought we'd play that story again - make our own little sequel. So how about it, Cleveland? Ladies? Anybody want a shot at the title tonight? We'll make some nobody a somebody!" SOMEBODY is invited into the ring, and Ivory promptly socks her with the belt, then takes her by the hair to the turnbuckle - head to the buckle - bulldog! "This is for Ivory - not for you, little one!" Now TORI comes into the ring and clotheslines Ivory down three times - now punching away, choking - Ivory reverses it - it's on! Oh, no it's not. The USUAL SUSPECTS are out to break up the catfight. I have no idea who the plant was this week...
Helmsley leaves Austin's locker room and stomps off.
Here's AL SNOW ranting to no one in particular - a small dog appears and apparently says something to Snow - then walks off. Snow asks the dog to come back...
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. KEN SHAMROCK - Ross tells us that Austin was NOT in his locker room, but Helmsley did a little damage to his locker room and destroyed some property. I'm guessing, although it wasn't said, that H took a dump in his gym bag, 'cause those guys seem to like doing that. Shamrock's music is played but nobody appears at the top of the ramp. Let Us Take You Back to earlier tonight and show you Steve Blackman getting a measure of revenge after being choked out last night in the Iron Circle (a result that the commentators fail to mention - because it doesn't help his push any to mention it - you see?) "You know I thought tonight I was gonna get to come out here in front of the whole world and kick the ass of the World's Most Dangerous Man ... but I guess not. Shamrock, you want to sit out back, and you want to nurse your little wounds, go right ahead ... as far as I'm concerned that makes you a PUSS!" Chyna finds this extremely amusing and even I'm mildly amused. Shamrock's music is played a second time - and this time he *does* appear - ribs and left elbow tightly wrapped. Shamrock in with a double leg takedown and four quick punches. Then he makes his mistake - he stops to do his knuckle-up shout - and Helmsely socks him in the nads. Oh, sorry, the ribs. Several knees driven into the taped ribs. Shamrock rolls outside and Helmsley follows - dropping him ribs first onto the barricade. Back in the ring - Shamrock manages a kick and another takedown. Right hand by Shamrock, right by Helmsley to the injured ribs. Now going back to his favourite move - the knee. Knee, right, right - Shamrock manages a takedown but he can't wrench in that anklelock as Helmsley throws another right to the ribs. Knee, gut wrench into a gutbuster. Helmsley removes the wrap and wails away on the exposed ribs. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Did Ross actually use the word "surcease?" Damn! I had to actually look that one up! Abdominal stretch is puncutuated by rights to the ribs. Shamrock manages a hiptoss to get out of the hold. Shamrock manages some punches, but Helmsley's back to the gutbuster. Stomping away - punching. A closeup shot on Helmsley here probably means the capsule's being introduced since we can't see Shamrock.
Helmsley burying his
shoulder into Shamrock's gut - yep, red stuff leaking from Shamrock's
mouth to indicate "internal bleeding." Helmsley putting on a body
scissors and continuing to pound on the exposed ribs. Shamrock, of
course, refuses to give up, so referee "Blind" Jim Korderas rings the bell
(ref stop 3:57) and awards the decision to Triple H. We get a shot of
Chyna smiling broadly. Triple H continuing the attack after the bell -
back to the body scissors. Finally the hold is broken.
Backstage, here's a shot of Cole - probably wondering to himself why HE has to talk to the Undertaker and Big Show after the next break
WWF SummerSlam - an Out of Body Experience - with a governor serving as Special Referee! It's brought to you by Chef Boyardee and it's 22 August!!
GvsE ad with Triple H and Chyna
Michael King Cole attempts to talk to Paul Bearer, but Undertaker cuts him off before the first question. X-Pac is in the hospital, and Kane's just a Big Red (beep - "pussy?") "Listen, the days of scary music and scary images are over. The Show, he knows what evil is. And now the whole world's gonna know what evil is. The days of Armageddon are upon us." The cameraman hears some noise and pans over to see TEST putting a three-star beatdown on PETE "GAS" - then he runs off as RODNEY & JOEY ABS come to make the save.
Kind of a short segment there...must be at the last segment. Oh! So we are!
TRIPLE H gets one more entrance - it seems that he's going to be a Special Guest Commentator during the main event. Hey Savio! What'd you do to Carlos? Lawler: "From this moment on, he can hear everything you say!" Ross: "I got no problem with that." Helmsley starts right out stirring up shit with Ross.
KING ASS & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. ROCK in a Handicap Match - "You know I realised a long time ago JR, the best way to get back at you is to prove you wrong - to prove EVERYBODY who held me down wrong." Gunn rushes Rock, who ducks, and punches away. Off the ropes, clothesline. Right to Chyna (big pop) - Gunn taken out of the ring. Chyna accidentally clotheslines Gunn on the outside, then Rock takes out Chyna with a punch. Ah hell, the play by play isn't important. Ross tells Helmsley he seemed to need a hell of a lot of help last night to defeat the Rock in the #1 Contenders match. Helmsley asks Ross if he can look him in the eyes and say that. Lawler: "Hey, Triple H, look him in the eye!" Oh, that's low, Jer. Ross: "Oh yeah, let's talk about - not what we're seeing - let's just shoot the breeze here!" Ross really wants to call this match (har, har). Chyna pounding on Rock now that we're looking at the match again. Rock fighting back. Chyna in the corner, whip into the opposite corner, Chyna comes out with a gutshot and a DDT (yow!) for 2. Head taken to the boot, and there's the tag. Right,
right, right, choke on the top rope. "JR, shut
up when I'm talking!" "I have a job to do here." Gunn still punching.
"Austin might be the toughest SOB in this business but I can beat him."
Is he making YOU believe? Chyna in, Rock getting the upperhand, but Chyna
raking the eyes. Rock ducks the lariat and has her in place for Rock
Bottom, but Mr. Ass is in with a clubbing forearm to the back. Now
standing on the neck with the choke. Head vise. "I'm getting tired of
you talking back to me, JR! When I tell you something, it's the gospel!
And you LOOK at me when I'm talking to you! You got it? The next thing I
knock off you is gonna be your lights!" as he knocks Ross' hat off his
head. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner discussing Woodstock with Chyna while
Gunn cheats behind his back. Rock kicking out at 2 - now punching back -
off the ropes - Samoan drop. Rock with a blatant low blow, and a punch
for Chyna - now clotheslining Gunn out and both men are on the floor.
Helmsley removes his headset and flattens Rock with a right, then puts
his headset back on. "Now where do you get off doin' THAT? I don't get
that!" "You don't get what? I do what I want when I want to do it! If I
want to kick his ass right now, I'll do it. If I want to kick YOUR ass
right now, I'll do it. When the time is right I'll kick Steve Austin's
ass, and I will become the WWF Champion - it's a foregone
conclusion...you're starting to get on my nerves!" Doubleteam on the
Rock, meanwhile. Choke and punches in bunches from Chyna. Standing on
the throat. Ross saying Rock got shafted last night. Kneedrop from
Chyna. Another kneedrop misses. "Badd Ass' help! Badd Ass was at
ringside last night! Did anybody see him but me? Was that a mirage?"
"What was the finish of that match, JR?" "Pedigree!" "Damn straight,
right in the middle - 1, 2, 3. Flat on his back, just like Steve Austin's
gonna be...you know what, I am sick and tired of you talking to me."
"Well, get the hell out of here." "You know who's going to get the hell
out of here? YOU." And Helmsley PASTES him one. Ha! This coincides,
coincidentally enough, with the breaking of glass and the presence of
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who runs down the ramp, through the ring
(knocking out Chyna in the process), and straight to Triple H, where
they're trading blows. Meanwhile, Rock's hit Rock Bottom on Mr. Ass.
Chyna goes down. Triple H and Austin on the Spanish announce table -
Austin with a clothesline to the floor - grabbing the mic cable...
Oops, we're gone. Well, hell, how did the match end? (There was a MATCH going on? OH yeah.) (? 8:27+)
Wow. That show was dense. How will they ever get all these ducks in a row for SummerSlam? I guess we'll find out more - next week!