/16 August 1999
WWF RAW is WAR
THIS JUST IN: Joey Marella is still dead
Last week on RAW is WAR, Steve Austin made merry with a chair and Chyna became the #1 Contender. Earlier Today shots of separately arriving Triple H and Chyna show quite a range of emotions. What will Austin say tonight? What will Triple H and Chyna say tonight? Stay tuned!
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!|
Here's some clips from last week, including some new shots of the fallen Austin and cinder block. Triple Threat - Austin - chair - whack - Chyna - pin
Split screen shows you the same arrival shots you saw during the "Walker" promo - well, if you were watching "Walker." Does ANYBODY watch "Walker?"
Closed captioned logo - opening theme - RAW IS WAR'S I'M TIRED OF COMING UP WITH THESE LINES
Did you know tonight is the last taped RAW for a long time? Yup, RAW IS WAR from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI 16.8.99 (but taped 10.8) en espanol donde sea disponible on USA and maybe also TSN.
Oh boy! It's TRIPLE H come out to make noise! "Tonight what I'd like to do is I'd like to come out here and I'd like to put the focus right where it belongs - on the #1 Contender who will face Stone Cold Steve Austin at SummerSlam - and that is none other than THE NINTH WONDER OF THE WORLD - Chyna!!" The music plays a SECOND time and THAT SLUT CHYNA makes it to the ring. So did they make up? Triple H goes on to sweet talk her about all the good times they've had and the gifts he's bought her - this leads up to Triple H asking Chyna to give him HIS #1 Contender's slot back - he wants a match with Chyna tonight. Chyna thinks about it - and if she has any brains at all - ha! She said "no!" Bully for her! H goes ballistic and tells Chyna he MADE her, "God damn" gets muted. "Listen, you ungrateful bitch - I am not asking you anymore - I am TELLING you - I am taking back what's mine! Got it?" "You give it a shot, Triple H - frankly, you ain't got the b(beep)lls to beat me."
Backstage, Austin arrives - he's WALKING into the Arena!
The Rock gets chefy with it - or so they would have you believe. Can we please have the Mankind ads back?
Chris Jericho - ARRIVES!
ROAD DOGG v. AL SNOW (with Pepper) - Dogg appears on the cover of WWF Magazine, and when the cover appears I feel a twinge of nostalgia, 'cause they haven't done THIS kind of magazine shillin' in many a year, oh yah.
Dogg does the same spiel he's done for what seems like forever, but
people still have problems with the "TtotheRtotheUtotheE" part of it.
Shouldn't Snow get some new music now that he doesn't have Head anymore?
Snow deposits Pepper in the semi-capable hands of commentators JERRY
LAWLER (complete with "cheesehead" crown) and JIM ROSS. "Hey, you finally
got a puppy!" Lockup, to the ropes, to the corner. Referee "Blind" Jim
Korderas gets between them to force the break. Off the ropes, knee to the
gut by Snow, knee, repeated pounding, off the ropes, Dogg ducks, punches,
but Snow stops the jukin' and jivin' by grabbing the arms and headbutting
away. Scoop slam - outside onto the apron - over the top rope with the
guillotine legdrop. Dazzling smile from Snow and a shot of the terrified
Pepper. Moonsault from the top rope MISSES, and now the Dogg is on him.
THIS time he gets to do all the punches, save the last one, which Snow
ducks. Unfortunately, this leaves Korderas to take the full brunt of the
right. BIG BOSSMAN comes out and takes the nightstick to Snow, then to
Dogg. Dogg falls on Snow to get the 1, 2, 3 (1:54) but both guys are out.
I think Dogg mouths "futhamucka" to the crowd. Or maybe those consonants
are out of order.
Hey! Big Show and Undertaker - and they're WALKING! If you're sick of me saying it, maybe you could ask the WWF to find some new shots to use!
Backstage, Chris Jericho has found the makeup spot. He politely declines an offer to "fix his hair," saying that his 'do is all the rage in Europe, and he's an international fashion plate. Now where's the stage? (Hmm, he must be new here.)
Split screen shows Triple H & Chyna preparing for their match
Here's an exterior of the Bradley Center as we tell you that Castrol GTX and their six foot tall posters, along with 1-800-CALL-ATT and the JVCkaboom!box sponsor tonight's big show!
Did I say... WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & THE UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER walk to the ring. Lawler's voice will be gone by the end of the night, just you wait. "Play time's over, sit down and shut up. Later on tonight, there's gonna be a match for the tag team titles between the Acolytes and X-Pac & Kane, whatever whatever, it's not important. The fact of the matter is, this Sunday at Summerslam the winner of that match will come face to face with this. And to make sure that my man was right, this week I put him to the test. I had Paul Bearer call out to California - San Fernando Valley to some associates of ours at the Local 81 - Paul said we're gonna need two bikes for a ride in the desert. The guy said 'Brother Paul, now we know that the Dead Man can handle it, but I don't know about the Big Show. It's August, it's 120 degrees in the middle of Death Valley.' He says 'the only things that survive in the desert are the cold-blooded...the snakes and the lizards.' Paul said 'that's all right, and in one of those bikes that you're setting up for us, I want you the Big Show to only have enough gas to get to the middle of the desert and not get back.' So we're on our way - we get to the middle of Death Valley - 120 degrees, the Big Show's bike runs out of gas. And I pull up next to him and I ask him this question: 'It's 120 degrees, how are you gonna survive?' He looks me straight in the eyes, without hesitation, he says 'I'm gonna wait 'til you go to sleep, I'm gonna stab you in the back, I'm gonna cut your flesh off, make a coat out of it, and I'm gonna eat YOUR flesh until I find food.' I said 'Good answer big man, but I don't sleep,' and I drove off and left him. I waited on the outskirts of the desert. Two days later, he walks out with a snake necktie and lizard boots, carryin' his Harley-Davidson on his shoulder. The point of the story is this. What used to be known as SummerSlam will now be known as Armageddon, and whoever shows up...will be hurt." But there's a countdown on the TitanTron - sorry, EntertainmentTron - "Y2J 08, 07, 06..." the lights and music start up - an explosion of pyro and "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO!" CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is at the top of the ramp. "And this is exactly what I was talking about last week. You two giant slugs have been out here for what, three, four minutes? And already you've forced these poor people to drift off into their own little worlds, completely oblivious to what you're saying, and completely oblivious to you. I mean you two morons couldn't string together two intelligent words and I was forced to come out here and save this segment! Personification of evil - ha! I say personification of BOREDOM! The only thing scary about you two is the amount of TV time you get which causes the people to pick up the remote and change the channel, looking for a hero. Well STOP changing the channel because your hero has ARRIVED! Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF...finally, there's a man who's entertaining enough and exciting enough to bring this company back to prominence and make some money for this beleagured promotion - and I'm here to say that 'RAW is SNORE' is now dead and buried and long live 'RAW is JERICHO!' And now that the Y2J problem is here, this company, from the front office employees to all the idiots in the dressing room, to the two biggest idiots of all,
e-e-e-ever be the same, agayn!" "Hey boy, I don't know who you are or who
you think you are, but judging from that peach fuzz you're trying to grow
on your chin, I can tell I got more shower time than you've got ring time,
and if you ever, and I mean ever, decide to interrupt me again, it will be
your last time...and that is a promise." Jericho makes funny faces,
Undertaker does the white of his eyes trick, and
Hey! Triple H and Chyna! Still in a split screen! But now - THEY'RE WALKING!
Backstage, Jericho stands nearby some conveniently placed Hansen's Energy Drink(tm) - he's found an audience...HOWARD FINKEL. "Amen! Can I offer you a beverage?"
TRIPLE H v. THAT SLUT CHYNA for the #1 Contender's position - seems a little early in the show for THIS match, doesn't it? Staredown? No, Chyna CLOCKS him to start the match. Kicks and elbows, European uppercuts laid into Triple H. Returning to the kicks. Whip into the opposite corner, but H puts up a back elbow. Hairpull - hard right. Vertical suplex - no, Chyna scoots out of the attempt and hits a DDT for 2. Triple H in the corner - elbow, knife-edge chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), off the ropes, Triple H manages a facecrusher on the knee. In the corner, kicks and rights, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tries to push him off, and H pushes him away, then continues stomping on Chyna. Argument between Triple H and Hebner - Chyna kicks back but Helmsley returns with the knee. Off the ropes, duck, high knee from H for 2. Right hand from H. Picks her up, puts her down with a right. Chyna pulling herself up by the ropes - H charges, she dumps him over the top rope. Hey - MANKIND is out! And he's taking it to Helmsley! STEEL steps - whack! Chyna covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:38) Mankind grabs a chair and goes after Triple H, who runs off. Mankind follows. Chyna, left in the ring, makes that cool "I want da belt" hand motion. Mankind is back in the ring. Hey, he and I have the same tie! "Hold on, Chyna. Now I know there's always been a vague sexual tension between us - you and your revealing little outfits, and me in mine. I'm gonna try to put all that aside, and tell you that *I* want a piece of SummerSlam. And if you've got the testicu- the ovarialogical fortitude to give me a shot tonight in this very ring for that #1 Contender role, how does that sound, Milwaukee?" and then he climbs into the corner to gauge the reaction - so Chyna gives him a Golota. "In case you don't get it, that means no." As she walks off, Mankind meekly throws an "Are you sure?" out. Ha! It's not over yet, though, as MR. WHYSPYR makes an apperance at the top of the ramp, stopping Chyna in her tracks. "Now Chyna, honey, sweetie, buttercup, the last thing I wanna do is (beep)s you off. Because it seems to me, every man that upsets you winds up gettin' his (beep) stuffed so far up his throat, he starts to choke on 'em! But you know, old Mick, Mankind, I got a special place in my heart for that guy - Mick, you want, you shell receive. Tonight, YOU, my little buttercup, will wrestle Mankind right here on RAW to determine WHO will be the #1 Contender at SummerSlam!"
WWF Attitude for the PlayStation ad
MICHAEL KING COLE stands outside an exciting door! Later he'll attempt to talk to Austin - good luck
TEST v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Test dealt with Joey Abs. Last night on Heat, Shane challenged Test to a "Love Her or Leave Her" match. Test tries to strike first, but Blackman ducks and brings the pain. Blackman takes on Shamrock Sunday in a Lion's Den mit Weaponen match. Back and forth affair sees SKIPPY walk out following a nice gutwrench into powerbomb from Test. As Test is distracted, Blackman kicks from behind. Off the ropes, there's the Lethal Kick! Shane is in and hands a kendo stick to Blackman - referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell (DQ 1:25) and Shane disposes of him. Test gets his hands on Shane, but not for long as Blackman hits a kendo stick shot on him. Here's KEN SHAMROCK come out to spear Blackman and do some damage until Shane gets in a stick shot. Shamrock spears *Shane* then rains down the punches until Blackman gets HIS stick shots in. Wow, THAT'S a stick shot, wrapping it around his head. Shane takes the stick from Blackman, then proceeds to break it on Test's ribs. Blackman and Shane walk off to "No Chance in Hell."
Michael King Cole attempts to interview STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who rants and raves. Everyone's on his list. It might have taken him 20 or 40 minutes to defeat Triple H, but it'll only take 5 minutes or 15 seconds to take care of Chyna. He could beat Mankind too. He don't care WHO his opponent is, as long as he's got one.
WWF Attitude ad #2
FootAction presents the Slam of the Week! From last week's (huh) RAW, X-Pac's X Factor on Bradshaw to win he and Kane the tag team titles
THE ROCK arrives late - but nonetheless, he's backstage - WALKING!
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & X-PAC v. ACOLYTES (with RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) for the tag team championship - Champions enter first, how annoying is THAT? Pier Four brawl to start - everybody outside, Kane pairing with Bradshaw and X-Pac with Faarooq. I defy ANY WWF official to count out ANYBODY here.
WELL IT'S THE BIG
SHOW & UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER appear on the ramp as we see Kane look up
instead of chokeslamming Bradshaw, so Faarooq comes in to stop him. 2
count for the Acolytes. Faarooq staying on Kane, but Kane comes back,
driving his head to the mat, dropping a fist, and tagging X-Pac. Chop,
chop, chop, Faarooq blocks the punch and hits one of his own. Off the
ropes, knee to the gut. Right. Face to the mat. 1, 2, no. Off the
ropes, duck, flying clothesline with a flip for good measure. X-Pac makes
the tag, boot, Faarooq goes outside. Kane attempts to follow, but
Bradshaw grabs the hair. Kane counters with a hot shot. Kane on the top
rope - but Bradshaw hits the foot. Kane pushes Bradshaw away and hits the
flying clothesline ANYWAY, but Faarooq stops the count. ALl four men back
in. X-Pac with a lightning legdrop on Bradshaw for 2. Chop, chop, whip
into the corner is reversed, gutshot from Bradshaw, powerbomb attempt
doesn't happen as Kane breaks it up. Off the ropes, Bradshaw catches
X-Pac and hits a fallaway slam. Tag to Faarooq. Double sledge, repeat,
X-Pac fights back with rights, but the Irish whip is reversed and there's
a powerslam from Faarooq. Only 2. To the boot of Bradshaw, tag, swinging
neckbreaker. There's another swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, Kane stomps to
break the count. Bradshaw takes him off the rope and into a sleeper.
Crowd tries to breathe life into X-Pac and it works - off the ropes,
another sleeper attempt is blocked and X-Pac tries one of his own - but
Bradshaw just dumps him. Elbowdrop for 2. Tag to Faarooq. Kick to the
short ribs. Faarooq just smacking him around now. Off the ropes, X-Pac
ducks and pulls a spinning heel kick out. Both men down - X-Pac reaching,
Kane reaching, hot tag! KANE'S ON FIRE!! Errr, unfortunate choice of
words there. Big boot to both men. Right, right, whip into the opposite
corner, clothesline, Faarooq in the broncobuster position to X-Pac
complies. Bradshaw, meanwhile, clotheslines Kane out of the ring -
there's one for X-Pac as Kane comes back in. But Kane chokeslams Bradshaw
- and covers! 1, 2, 3! (7:25) Faarooq strikes Kane after the fact, and
now the doubleteam is on. Backdrop/neckbreaker combo! Double powerbomb
on X-Pac! Well, that should set them up nicely for Big Show & Undertaker
on Sunday. Replay shows the broncobuster, chokeslam, and pin.
"You listen to me - and you don't come out too soon. You come out when I say you come out - understand?" Who is Hardcore Holly talking to backstage? Maybe we'll find out - NEXT!
Smackdown! premieres 26 August! Prime Time! Network Television! UNSTOPPABLE!
Holy crap, they aren't wasting any time! The BRITISH BULLDOG is coming back and they want you to know!
Michael King Cole stands in front of another exciting door, wherefrom Mankind will apparently emerge later.
HARDCORE HOLLY comes to the ring. "Well, the World Wrestling Federation has finally done it to me. They have backed the Big Shot into a corner and that's something I just don't like! So, what I have done is I have took it upon my Super Heavyweight self, and I went and got me another Super Heavyweight. So without any further ado, let me introduce to you, the newest Super Heavyweight of the World Wrestling Federation - my cousin - CRASH HOLLY!"
I'm sure I'm supposed to know who this guy is, but
I have no idea. He's about a foot shorter with the same hairdo and body.
Crash swipes the mic from Hardcore. "Undertaker - Big Show - you thought
you had problems with my cousin here. Well I'll tell you what, we can
just forget about all that, hey, Hardcore, no offense, huh kid?" Crash
pats his cousin's face - Hardcore spins him around. "Hey, I'm gonna tell
you like I tell everybody else - it doesn't matter whether you're my
cousin family or what - you either nut up or shut up!" "Hey, Hardcore,
don't start somethin' that you know you can't finish!" "Oh, I can finish
everything I start!" And then he waylays him. And now he's fighting
back! They're over the barricade and outta sight. Hmmm, that
Michael King Cole is with Mankind. Mankind showed up to gain some revenge on Triple H, and he'll be happy to stick a sock down Chyna's throat.
Wow! Chyna's WALKING!
Backstage, Austin fixes up a nice, refreshing cup of tobacco spit
MANKIND v. THAT SLUT CHYNA for the #1 Contender - although the ring announcer says this will "once and for all" decide it, I have an uneasy feeling - there's still forty minutes left in this show, after all. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Mankind conked Helmsley with the steps to secure Chyna's second assisted win in #1 Contender match in as many weeks. While Mankind and Chyna staredown, we cut backstage to see Triple H being restrained by a bevy of officials and referees. Chyna strikes first when we come back to the ring. Kicks aplenty. Mankind reverses, winds up - and fails to punch, because he's tenderhearted and stuff. So Chyna decks him. Backstage, Triple H is making a bit of progress against the phalanx. Mankind manages a beal. Mankind and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda having a chat while Chyna winds up for the infamous Golota. I *believe* that's a DQ in most territories... One more shot of Triple H. Chyna pounding away - BODYSLAM! TRIPLE H & FRIENDS appear at the top of the ramp, distracting Chyna. When she turns around, there's Mr. Socko. Chyna falls to the mat and Chioda counts - 1, 2, 3. (2:06) Triple H finally makes it to the ring and attacks Mankind. Mankind and Helmsley brawl in the corner until Chyna pulls Mankind off, just long enough for Triple H to chop block the formerly damaged knee. Five refs, Slaughter, Dave Hebner, and Garea aren't enough to restore order, so MR. WHYSPYR comes back out to Commish us around. He announces (again) that Mankind is the New #1 Contender. And now to FURTHER confuse the issue, SKIPPY appears at the top of the ramp. Yo yo yo yo. "I've already had to take care of one personal problem this evening. It seems I have to take care of another. You see I promised Triple H that I would stay out of your business at SummerSlam as long as you were #1 Contender," but now that he's not, and since Shane is in fact the OWNER of the WWF, he demands a match for tonight between Triple H and Mankind, and furthermore, he's penned in himself as the Special Guest Referee. For some reason, Chyna's TOTALLY cool with this. Michaels says that he'll okay the match as long as it's a No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere match, AND if there's a second referee - namely, himself. So it's apparently on - a third match for the #1 Contendership.
Hardcore & Crash Holly have brawled out onto a WWF semi
- they're WACKY!
Mr. Ass, backstage, is scratching his booty - and WALKING!
WWF Attitude ad #3
The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From last week's RAW, GTV presents Mr. Ass receiving a poison ivy rub, which is a rescue of .... well, the rescue.... see, what's being RESCUED here is... ah, hell, I have NO idea.
Shane and Triple H share a private moment - in front of the WWF cameras
Chef Boyardee serves up SummerSlam LIVE this Sunday!
KING ASS is out. "There's been a great tragedy! It seems I've had an allergic reaction to this herbal ass treatment." Crowd chants "Rocky." "And now my ass is scarred, I'm handicapped and imperfect. But despite this great tragedy, I WILL be at SummerSlam, and Rock, I promise you, your face will look a lot worse than my ass." Before he leaves, the music starts up and THE ROCK appears on top of the ramp. Yeah, you thought Ass would just speak his peace and get outta there. Ha! I'll bet you know by now that Rock starts off with "Finally, the Rock has come back to Milwaukee!" Rock pardoizes Ass' theme music as "Well I'm an ass-(hole)!" Rock brings out the ass maseusse from last week and reveals that it was HE who planted "the People's Poison Ivy." Before she takes off, the Rock asks her if she likes pancakes. "Yeah." "Well where you from?" "Chicago." "Well why don't you pancake your ass back to Chicago." This week's rectal object du jour is a Calamine bottle filled with monkey piss. Rock plays the crowd like a fiddle. This finally ends up with a confrontation in the ring, outside the ring, finally Mr. Ass finds the corpse of the kendo stick from earlier in the show and proceeds to wrap what's left of it repeatedly around the Rock. Ass gets the mic and lets loose with a "If you smellllllllalalala what Mr. Ass is cookin" and he put's Rock's face against his...money maker.
SummerSlam WILL be an Out of Body Experience thanks to Jesse Ventura! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
Happy Hour is NEXT!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where you See What You Just Saw
Michael King Cole, who SHOULD know better, attempts to interview Rock. Rock says he'll make his roody poo candyass famous on Sunday, and AFTER he beats him, he'll make him kiss him direckaly on HIS ass.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out to the ring and it looks like he's going to serve as guest commentator. That's quite a red mark they've put on his head up there, yup. SKIPPY enters next. All these guys need big, long entrances with about fifteen minutes left in the show. Here comes MR. WHYSPYR. Let's take that last ad break!
MANKIND v. TRIPLE H for the #1 Contendership - Quite Possibly, Once and For All - in a no holds barred, falls count anywhere match - Triple H enters alone...hmmm. Punches exchanged to start. Mankind gets the upperhand. Knee to the head. Gouging the face. Helmsley turns it around and rains down punches - Mankind with a dobule leg takedown. Going outside now. Shawn and Shane having problems coexisting, go figure. Mic cable time. Here's a clothesline out on the floor. Helmsley taking Mankind to the barricade. Now they're out on the ramp - back body drop from Mankind. Mankind covers - both refs count - 1, 2, no. Austin doesn't know who dropped the cinder block on his head. WHO DROPPED THE CINDER BLOCK? DID HE DRIVE THE HUMMER? Well now finally THAT SLUT CHYNA is out, with a "surprise" blow on Mankind.
Helmsley throttling his
neck on the edge of the ramp. Mankind turns it around with a Golota - he
learned that from Chyna, I think. Vertical suplex attempt is countered
with an inside cradle - 1, 2, no. Neither ref likes trying to count
pinfalls on the ramp. Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed and Mankind
goes over the top. Helmsley back on him - stomping on the knee as it
rests on the steps. Head to the apron. Everybody back in the ring. Chop
block by H - elbowdrop on the knee, again, working on the knee. Kneedrop
on the knee. Triple H with a buttdrop on the knee as it's draped across
the bottom rope. Figure four coming up? Yes! Of course, Mankind never
gives up... he does make it to the ropes, where Chyna puts on a rope
choke. Right hand by Helmsley, right, right. Mankind falls out, Triple H
follows. Right, Mankind over the barricade - Helmsley takes Mankind's
head to the chair, Mankind bounces H'S head in return. Back over the
barricade we fly - Mankind hitting a clothesline on H. Helmsley manages
to take Mankind's head to the STEEL ringpost. Thrown back in the ring -
Triple H nabs a chair on his way back in. Michaels wrests the chair from
Helmsley before he can use it. Shane starts arguing with Michaels -
fingers are pointed - meanwhile, Mankind hits a double underhook DDT and
both men are down. The refs are too busy arguing to put on a count.
Looks like Mr. Socko is out now - and on. Helmsley with a desperation
back suplex onto the chair - both men down with an arm draped over the
other - both refs count a pinfall - 1, 2, 3 (9:34) - but each man has a
different idea about who's won the match - Shane says Triple H while
Michaels says it's Mankind. So what do you do? That's right - declare
them BOTH winners and declare the main event at SummerSlam a Triple Threat
Match! Austin, naturally, decks Shane. This is where my VCR cut out -
damn, who knew a TAPED show would run so LONG? - but according to wwf.com,
nothing happened afterward save Austin walking away and Triple H and
Mankind making merry in the ring in the aftermath of this HISTORIC THIRD
NUMBER ONE CONTENDER OF THE NIGHT BLAH BLAH!
That's it! See you Sunday!