IN FACT: I'm so behind you don't get Nitro until tonight! Sorry - but that REAL job that pays the bills has to come first...besides, I've been on time every week since May-ish, so gimme a break.

TONIGHT: RAW is WAR from the Sold Out Ice Palace In Tampa, FL! Last night Stephanie turned on her father and joined forces with her husband, Triple H! Why? And what'll Vince do? You thought they'd hype WRESTLING in this spot? Har de har!

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 16 1/2 (- 1/8) - and barely trading. Shareholder loyatly? End of December lull? Nobody cares about this but Ryder? The mind boggles - check that - wanders...

One TV-14-DLV World Leader - Attitude - WWF!

Closed captioned symbol and Opening Credits - DAMN that one shot of Mr. Ass looks like Jeff Jarrett

FIREWORKS MAKE NOISE WHEN RAW IS WAR! It's 13.12.99 - isn't it? Yup. We ARE in the Tampa, FL Ice Palace (home of - ICE!) and live baby live. Tonight - will we get some answers?

Well, here's a shot of Triple H and Stephanie - and they're WALKING! And holding hands! And twirling! And hugging! Ewwwww!

Meanwhile, Shane McMahon paces (WALKING!) outside the building waiting for his father's arrival. But...didn't he....isn't he....oh maybe later

The Y2J brings us a roar from the crowd and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO to the ring - hey! New TitanTron accoutrements! "Once again, this belt is around the waist and where it belongs - with a legendary, incredibly charismatic showman in Y-2-J...and just by having this belt around the waist of the Ayatollyah of Rockandrolla has given the World Wrestling Federation a tremendous amount of credibility, and helped to drag it out of the hole that it had dug for itself - but most importantly, I have now proven as a Champion that this show is definitely MY show - that this show is RAW is JERICHO." Crowd chants along at appropriate points. Huh? It's X-PAC interrupting things with his music and entrance. "You know something, Jericho - I don't know what I'm sicker of - your crap - or that all these people are buying it! Oh, I hear about how great you are, but I tell you one thing that I'm a lot greater than you at - I'm a lot greater than you at knowin' how to treat a lady if you know what I mean (just ask Tori). But my point is this: you run your mouth, boy, you think you're a hell of an Intercontinental champion, well you just got the damn thing last night. So what I'm saying to you is this: nut up, or shut up, boy, put that belt on the line!" Jericho invites X-Pac to the ring. "Your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it." As he gets on the apron, some familiar music fires up - but it's MIKE CHIODA! Oh, no, wait, *there's* THAT SLUT CHYNA, along with MISS TITTY (thanks to Colin Priestner and a couple other emails) Before they do anything, the bell rings and X-Pac is all over him. Spinning heel kick off the ropes misses - Jericho clotheslines X-Pac over the top rope - springboard dropkick! X-Pac decides he's had enough - I guess we've drawn the face/heel lines here - hey, Jericho's the face! Yeah! Jericho attacks from behind about a third of the way up the ramp. Back into the ring we go. X-Pac dropkicks Jericho, who crotches himself on the top turnbuckle and falls to the mat. On him with kicks, snapmare, Lightning legdrop. To the rear chinlock. Tonight, Vince will appear! Jericho elbows out, right hands, whip is reversed, "martial arts kick" by X-Pac. Now on him with a series of kicks. Jericho sitting in the corner - broncobuster...misses! Jericho ducks a lariat and hits a spinning heel kick of his own. Rights, off the ropes, duck, back elbow by Jericho - Lionsault! 1, 2, NO! Jericho still on him - out of the corner, X-Pac ducks and hits a superkick (or if you're Ross, a "spinning heel kick") that takes Jericho to the mat. Off the second rope in the corner, X-Pac takes too long and Jericho buries a fist in the gut. Powerbomb - into the Walls of Jericho - and now Chyna and Kitty are showing us their asses as they walk the aisle towards ringside. X-Pac ready to tap but Chyna is in the ring and Chioda is apparently Blind AND Deaf. Chyna decks him for his troubles, so Chioda calls for the bell. (DQ 3:12) So who do you give the match to, anyway? She didn't interfere on anyone's behalf...well, Jericho is announced the winner - perhaps the ref DID hear the tapout. Everyone's confused.

Here's another look at Shane - hey, the happy couple's caught up to him! Shane gives Stephanie a good talking to. She's only got one family, and she's screwed that up! Oh, Stephanie's done something with her hair - one o' them hot curler frizzy things. Not worth mentioning, really. Oh, wait, I just did. Ahh.

GODFATHER (with fourteen - no, seven ho's) v. A GTV CLIP - it's Mark Henry talkin' and talkin' - about the greatest experience ever in his life - the most "erotic, incredible, unbelievable experience that I ever had in my life." The camera zooms out to find, in the bed next to sweaty, possibly nekkid Henry - Mae Young. Smoking a cigar! "Why is it that all you men wanna talk? (puff) The first thing we know you'll wanna cuddle." "Well, that sounds like a pretty good idea to me!" Ewwwwww! Somebody alert the media watchdogs, I can't take it no more! Get this....this LASCIVIOUSNESS off my screen! Anyway, turns out that SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY is actually Godfather's opponent tonight, after they (inexplicably) teamed last night in the tag team battle royale. Henry doesn't want the ho's, he wants referee "Always in these matches" Tim White to ring the bell. Didn't Jim Ross JUST say in his most recent Larry King column that GTV was gone forever? So much believin' THAT guy. Between Godfather's drop toehold and Henry's rather sloppy legdrop, I can't be bothered. Henry takes charge with a slam and his Chocolate Mousse. There's another scoop slam. Off the ropes, but the splash misses. Godfather kicks back - there's the big boot as MAE YOUNG is out. Clothesline by Godfather. Kicking in the corner - Young threatening to get in the ring, but only managing to get one foot over the second rope. Now Godfather distracted - now Henry hitting from behind and there's an inside cradle. 1, 2, 3. (1:49) Henry and Young walk out arm-in-arm. Must be couple's night tonight...GOSH but I feel lonely.

Outside, a limo pulls up - Shane stops it and checks. Well, there IS Vince, brandishing the omnipresent sledgehammer. Shane once again tries to stop his father, who soldiers on. Shane doing a lot of shouting and "will you chill out"ing.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.

Now in a hall, Shane is yapping and Vince is finding a door marked DX. Also finding it locked, so he whacks it off the hinges with his sledgehammer. Oops, nobody home. Shane barking a bit more. "Use you head! Would you use your head?" Shane says he's stopping right here as Vince says he's headed to the ring. "You remember one thing - she is still your daughter!"

Here's an exterior of the Ice Palace - attendance tonight is over 18K, says Ross.

BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out, in more ways that one. That's quite the faraway look in his eyes. He still carries the sledgehammer. "All right, Triple H - come on out! Come on out, you coward! Come on out, you RAPIST! What have you done to my family? What have you done to my daughter? Dammit, you'd better come out - or I'm comin' back up for you!" The lights dim and the music plays - but it's STEPHANIE HELMSLEY walking out in leather pants and carrying THE STICK. Vince works a facial emotion while Stephanie ... tries, anyway. The new hair and makeup certainly helps. "What are you gonna do with that sledgehammer, Dad? What are you gonna do with it? You wanna bash Triple H's head it? You wanna bash MY brains in? DO IT. Raise that hammer high above your head and BASH in my brains." Vince gives the "ahh?" look. "That's the only way you're gonna get to Triple H, because like it or not, we're married." Then she brandishes HER ring. "You see, Dad, it's always been about what you like, what you want - even at the expense of your own family. I did love Andrew - but I wasn't ready to get married. That's what - that's what you wanted. And you know what, Dad? I'm not 'Daddy's little girl' anymore.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. Ross says what Triple H said, then Triple H says it again.

Backstage, Vince barks to his chauffer - he can't breathe the same air as that son of a bitch, et cetera. Vince and Shane take off - Triple H and Stephanie walk into the frame and wave to the departing limousine. With Vince and Shane gone, they decide, who will run the family business? "I guess we should just...take over..."

LA ROCA is out. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Tampa! Now seeing as the Rock is standing above the People's Ring, and the Rock is the People's Champion, and the Rock's fans in Tampa consist of the millions...and millions of Rock's fans, there is one Rock fan here tonight...who some of you my know and his name is WADE BOGGS. Now the Rock has no idea who his opponents are tonight, but the Rock says Wade, since you and the Rock are somehwat - tight, the Rock realises that your favourite food is...poultry. So the Rock says he wants you to do something special tonight for the Rock's opponents - he wants you to go home and select...a chicken. The Rock then wants you to take that chicken, shine it up real nice...you're a patient hitter, so keep shining, Wade...and when it's shined up good up and nice, give it back to the Rock, so the Rock can take that chicken, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candyasses! If ya smellllalalalalalowww...what the Rock.......is cookin'."

1-800-COLLECT presents the 2000 Royal Rumble! Coming 23 January!

THE ROCK & SOCK CONNECTION v. DUDLEY BOYZ - D-Von carries a mic and he wants the music cut. "Cut the music! It's obvious that you two jabrones don't know about the Three Commandments! Number One, thou shalt not steal! Number two, thou shalt not kill! And number three, thou--" Rock cuts him off.

RAW is WAR hits the Shark Tank on St. Valentine's Day! And YOU can be there! Call Ticketmaster NOW!

When we come back, everybody's outside and the Connection has things in hand. There's the Rock cracking the skulls of the Dudleyz with the chair - now Mankind gets HIS turn with the chair on each of the men from Dudleyville. Head to the STEEL steps! Is Buh Buh Ray bleeding? Back in the ring, Rock with a kick, four or five rights, Buh Buh Ray manages a punch and an elbow, but it's head down off the ropes, and Rock hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, reversal, huge sidewalk slam by Dudley - 2. Buh Buh Ray trying in vain to argue with Korderas - damn that stutter - Rock spins him around and hits a DDT - cover - 2. Tag to Mankind. Right hands from the Deranged One. Off the ropes, but Buh Buh Ray reverses him into D-Von's boot. Mankind a little distracted - going outside and putting D-Von into the STEEL steps, giving Buh Buh Ray enough time to come out and make a doubelteam out of it. Commentators take turns saying "Stephanie Helmsley," proving their behind the cutting edge - har har. Time for the "D-Von headbutts the man ensemble of the opponent" spot. D-Von choking away here. Now taking him across the ring, Mankind collapses in the centre of the ring. D-Von stomping, right, Mankind on the apron - Buh Buh Ray standing on his neck. Tag to Buh Buh Ray following a headbutt from D-Von. Off the ropes, big back body drop. Elbowdrop - misses! Right hand from Dudley - second rope senton (!) misses. Can Mankind make the hot tag? No, but he CAN hit that double underhook DDT! Korderas puts on the count with both men down - 4...5...both men up - waistlock by Dudley, Mankind's trick knee acts up. Both men tag - HOT TAG TO THE ROCK! Samoan Drop! Spinebuster! People's Elbow! 1, 2, Buh Buh Ray pulls out Korderas - and KNOCKS HIS BLOCK OFF! Rock takes umbrage at this blatant disregard for the man in the striples - comes out and takes the fight to Buh Buh Ray. Once again the music plays - and Stephanie and Triple H lead a path for...a GUY IN A VINCE MASK. Looks a bit smaller than the ones we've been seeing - anyway, he's in - puts D-Von over Mankind, counts a quick 1, 2, 3. Well I'll be jiggered. Your winners are the Dudleyz. (14:34)

Backstage, X-Pac walks in on Stephanie and Triple H - he's wearing a wetsuit and carrying snorkel and goggles - what's up with that? We best stay tuned!

"Man on the Moon" ad has a definite wrestling flavour. Wow, they did wonders with Ross!

Victoria Jackson AIN'T NO RHONDA SHEAR

Lugz presents the Boot of the Week! From Armageddon last night, D'Lo Brown hits the 'Lo Down on British Bulldog, only to be sandwiched in a Money Shot from Val Venis - who wins the Intercontinental Championship with it.

During the commercial break, it was apparently announced that there would be a WWF Women's title match in a vat of chocolate pudding. This laptop used to belong to my dad (a psychologist), and sometimes, without realising it I hit one of his shortcut macros. For some reason the (no doubt oft-used) report phrase "Borderline Intellectual Function" spontaneously appeared as soon as I finished typing "chocolate pudding." I'm frightened, Dad.

In the Helmsleys' office, the Mean Street Posse approaches with their congratulations - no hard feelings and all that - after all, it's a Greenwich thing! Stephanie says they really bugged her back then (especially Joey), so she decides that since they'd been treating her so badly, it's revenge time - tonight they'll take on the Acolytes.

MISS TITTY (with T-back, RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. ? in the pool of chocklit pudding for the Women's Championship - Kitty tells ring (and now poolside) announcer LILIAN GARCIA that she would like to be known as ERNEST MILLER from now on - so be it. Backstage, we hear a lot of feedback, but then we see Stephanie tell Tori that if she won't provide the opposition tonight, she'll make life REAL tough for Kane tonight. "I don't even have anything to wear!" "Just wrestle in your bra and panties." "You've changed." Out comes TORI - off go the shoes, off comes the top. Lawler pulls a Ross by saing "BRA! BRA! BRA! BRA! BRA!" Oh, goody, Tori wears a thong, too! And the REAL winner is referee "Blind" Chad Patten! Tori manages to actually stretch the Cat here...well now X-PAC is out in wetsuit, goggles, snorkel and flippers. Hey, he made the fellatio hand gesture! Tori's out of the pool and attempting a sleeper on X-Pac. OUCH - falling over the side of the wall, Tori kinda fell on her head there. Cat covers - Patten makes the count. Well NOW he's dirty. 1, 2, 3. (1:21) Hey, KANE is out. There's a press slam into the pool - Kane slips and completely collapse the wall of the pool in the process. Well now the NEW AGE OUTLAWS appear and put the boots to Kane - everybody slsipping unintentionally - wooah. Garcia somehow manages to have made it this far without getting any pudding on her - but you know she's here for a reason. After announcing the winner again as "Miss Kitty," the Cat takes umbrage and pushes HER into the (shallow? Hell, EMPTY!) pool. Garcia expresses her displeasure. I wonder whatever happened to Maria Felipe.

Lawler brandishes the WWFWIRED.COM Steve Austin action figure - then attempts to make him say something and utterly fails. Ross: "Well it worked in rehearsal! Folks, it really does work!"

MEAN STREET POSSE v. ACOLYTES - Let Us Take You Back to Heat eight days ago and remind you that this isn't the first time these guys have met. Pier Five Brawl sees the Acolytes pretty much picking up where they left off a week ago Sunday. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long has full view of a WHACK mit der chair - but I guess this one's also no DQ. 1-800-COLLECT provides the Double Feature. No decision is announced, but the Acolytes music plays, and they walk off. Let's call it (1:09) Lawler once again shows us the WWFWIRED.COM Steve Austin, claiming there's no batteries in it - but, I could SWEAR I heard it....

The Outlaws visit the Helmsleys. Sounds like a road picture...Triple H says there's a cage match coming up, have a seat.

There's a coloured-lights-a-flashin' look at the STEEL cage, hanging as only it can - yes, friends, OMINOUSLY. We'll find out what it's all about - AFTER this break!

And the cage is now lowered over the ring....

RAW is WAR is brought to you by wavesmusic.com, Castrol Motor Oily, WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - Goody Got It! and Musicland!)

HARDY BOYZ (with Terri) v. CHRISTIAN & EDGE (you think you know him!) in a cage match - Hey, Tony Chimel out to make introductions! Ross busts out "scintillating" before the match starts. Ross says the winning team will be the first with one man outside the cage to the floor. I'm struck my an extreme case of laziness and skip to the highspot - Jeff Hardy, on top of the cage, avoids trying to win the match by missing a senton to the mat. While 1-800-COLLECT provides a Double Feature, Edge sets himself up for a semi-corkscrew moonsault onto Matt and Christian. It's too sloppy - it only gets one angle from the 1-800-COLLECT Double Feature instead of three. Matt dragging himself up the wall of the cage - perhaps he should climb down instead of hitting a zany aerial manoeuvre. Edge got Matt - Christian also up - so he can go down? Matt and Christian handing onto each other. Inside the ring, Edge and Jeff run into the wall and both Matt and Christian BOTH hit the floor simultaneously.

Outside, Kane and Tori try to walk out - but Triple H and Stephanie catch up to Kane - he's in a Triple Threat match tonight - if he doesn't take place in it, he's suspended thirty days. Kane decides to stick around. Ross: "Who's Kane gonna face? WHO?!"

Say it with me - JIGGLYPUFF!

The WWF Slam Cam presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From last night at Armageddon - Kane puts the flight back in the flying clothesline by hitting one off the top of the cage - also we see the tombstone - and Kane and Tori doing that luv stuff.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. KANE in a Triple Threat Match - It's he, it's he, it's that D. O. Dubba G. Mr. Ass frenches a couple young boys at ringside - that's SICK! Oh wait, those are his sons (Broke Ass & Tired Ass). Ross wonders aloud who the Outlaws are going to face - pity he wasn't looking up at the EntertainmentTron where a test pattern and the words "KANE ENTRANCE VIDEO" clearly flicker on screen before the standard Red Clouds and Sinister Muzak. MY question to YOU is - if Stephanie and Hunter hadn't cooked up all these matches at the last minute, what would we have had on the show tonight? Well, fear not - my sources have revealed the original lineup to me:

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. PRINCE ALBERT & BIG BOSSMAN in a Handicap match for the WWF Championship - Tony Chimel announces that if either man pins the Big Show, Bossman will take the title. Nice pyro for the pantomimed chokeslam. The entrance is briefly interrupted by that orange glow and logo we've seen before...but THIS time, a single word is spoken..."Survive..." Hey...I'm starting to think I know where that's going! Bossman runs up the ramp to meet them, ducks a nightstick from Bossman and knocks down Albert. Stephanie & Hunter are "the new creative team." Heh. Bossman taken in the ring and the opening bell tolls. I feel like I saw this yesterday. Backstage, we see the Outlaws and the Helmsleys looking on. Bossman sidesteps a splash and tags in Albert. Show has no problems with HIM, either. DROPKICK! Bossman hits him in the back off the ropes, Show is distracted and Albert hits a scissors kick. Both men in - off the ropes, nope, double clothesline from the Show. It's time for ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Albert - Bossman breaks up the count, though. Just like that, there's ahhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Bossman as well. 1, 2, 3. (1:58) Well, there's still ten miuntes left - who's left?

Backstage, the Outlaws and the Helmsleys are having fun. Stephanie says all we need to make the night complete is a tag team title defense. The Outlaws remind Steph that they've already wrestled tonight. "No, we're not." "I think you might." "No--" "Hey! If she says you guys are gonna do it, you're gonna do it!" "What are you, the boss all of a sudden?" "Damn right I'm the boss and if she says you're gonna wrestle tonight, you're gonna wrestle! Who's their opponents?" Steph says she'd like to see Triple H in there tonight - and for his partner - "someone who have something in common with - Test." Triple H says Test can just stand there and he'll beat both their asses. I THINK I smell a ruse...

WIWF "Man on the Moon" promo again. OH MY!

STEPHANIE HELMSLEY walks down to ringside as we hear "My Time" for the gazillionth time.

TREBLE H & TEST v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS - the Outlaws run to Test to start it off and sure enough, it's a doubleteam on Test with the occasional distraction of referee "Blind" Tim White by Triple H - sure, he REALLY wants to tag in. Test manages to come back with sixteen "what an armdrags" in a row. Still, he's one and the Outlaws are two - and hell, Test isn't even HALF a Kane, right? For some reason, Stephanie is cheering on Test here. Anyhow, Triple H distracting White while, on the outside, Mr. Ass drops Test across the barrier.

I'm sorry, but that whole last bit was a TOTAL letdown. Oops, I mean WWF is great! The best! Whew, that was close!