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/15 December 2000
Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan




You know, if a girl's gonna dump me based on choosing a dish over digital cable, the whole relationship probably wasn't gonna work out anyway. Why can't ATT Cable totally make their presence unknown like 21st does?

Nevada Hot Dice (3-5-0) vs New York Enforcers (4-3-1)

Open: When we last left the WSL, we are all so very surprised to find out that Mark D'Amato was evil, Sean Atkinson was not, and both would not be retiring. Why is D'Amato walking like Frankenstein? The world will never know that, or why Sean didn't get his team DQed or something last week. Anyway, the 'net result of this is that they're gonna fight each other up. Technically, the Dice are skating this week, but whatever. Jason McDaniel makes a point of saying that he's definitely not going out with Lisa Seltzer, and I see no reason not to believe him.

To the announcers, to explain what we just saw. Rory Marcus calls it a "kidney fiasco", which sounds right. Lisa Seltzer is in the audience! Perhaps she's annoyed because she can hear you over the PA talking bad about her. Loyd reminds about everyone hating the D'Amato, but Marcus who seems not care that much. Jason wears his belt to remind us about that feud he had going with Eric Slopey for all of a show. Lindsey Francis is acting like a good girl this week. Travis Willis points out the camera, so he gets pointed out. The announcers talk about D'Amato being a skater/owner - that some how seems familiar. Moving on...

Danny Wolfe talks to Lisa Seltzer, earlier today - "Lisa Seltzer, thanks for stopping in. Of course, the Seltzer family created this great game of Roller derby some seventy years ago, and I'm gonna ask you, we've seen a lot of you recently, watching the game in the arena, what's on your agenda?" "Well, Danny, it's not really an agenda, but rather a a mission, and that mission is to save my family honor. You know, RollerJam promised to bring back to the public what my grandfather had originally envisioned, and what I've seen here is nothing more than wrestling on wheels. It's very disappointing. And now would be as good a time as any to make the big announcement to the public I am, that I am about to embark on a 200 city world tour to put together the best team in history. It's, it's gonna be pretty big, we're going to Madison Square Garden, we're going to the Budokhan, we're going to the Staples Center, it's gonna be really big." "That's a huge announcement, very big, bigger than I think anyone thought. Also, you've been spending a lot of time with Jason McDaniel, perhaps Mc-dating him? Is the Hot Dice maybe the team you're hedging to right now, brining on the tour?" "Well Danny, when you want to put together the best team in history, you obviously want to start with the best players. And of course, one of the best players, or, in my opinion, the best player in the league is Jason McDaniel. And what better person to talk to than Jason to find the talent in the league. So he's been quite an asset." "Some one I look forward to talking is Kenneth Loge to get his reaction." Danny hypes the game a little bit and sends it to the announcers, who point out that the league would kinda be screwed if they didn't have their best skaters. I could make a list of people I'd wish she'd take, but I'm thinking that won't work.

Period 1:

You know, I wish Lindsey would skate on that outfit she's wearing in the match up, but I think that'd be tough to without spilling out. Shay's there too, but I'm still stuck on Lindsey's outfit.

Danny Wolfe talks to Lindsey Francis.: "You heard what Lisa Seltzer had to say about the big world tour. I'm sure that peaked the Golden Girl's interest." "Absolutely. Actually, this Lisa Seltzer woman must have a pretty good head on her shoulders, because right now, as we speak, she has submitted an outstanding world tour proposal, and personally, I could use some time in the south of France right now. Secondly, she stands to gain the hottest girl, we have the Golden Girl and the Enforcers - come on, that's like the entire fan base of RollerJam period right there. I'm confident she's made the right decision." "Well, we'll see about that. Let's say hi to our all fans in the south of France."

Jam 1: Telisa Miller is out, but  only so she can stop and kick Shay Brown. Lindsey's out  on the jam, with Jenny starting out half a track behind but catching up. Shay blocks, but there's Telisa - firewoman's carry into a flapjack! Telisa's the innovator of offense. 1-0, Enforcers. 

Here are the rules. Why we don't tell you before the game starts, I dunno.

Jam 2: Shay with a bulldog on Telisa, leaving Jenny and Lindsey on the jam again, but shoulder to shoulder this time. Jenny gets an elbow, knocking down Lindsey. Double block, but Shay comes to the back of the pack and breaks it up. 2 points to the Dice, and they're up by one.

Here are a bunch of kids wearing the same shirt. And here's Telisa jumping Shay. The announcers are driving home that Telisa isn't the kinda gal Lisa Seltzer is looking for.

Jam 3: Jenny is officially at 54 points, which is consistent with what she had last weekend. Again with Lindsey and Jenny shoulder to shoulder on the jam,. D'Amato's got a trash can lid for Telisa, but Telisa opts to drop it instead for  the clean hipblock shot instead. We all go "huh, 'cause that's legal". Telisa jumps Shay again, including biting her knee? Shay's holding it and slow up. 3-1, Dice.

Danny Wolfe talks to Tim Washington "Big Nasty, you're ready to get on the track against Jason McDaniel, and we've seen him hanging around with Lisa Seltzer a lot lately." "That's right Danny, you know what Jason McDaniel has been seeing Lisa Seltzer in the dining room, in the bedroom, but tonight, Lisa Seltzer, you're going see Jason McDaniel in the emergency room!" Tim goes after Danny and push him away.

Period 2:

Match up features Mark Weber and Jason McDaniel and Tim Washington and Mark D'Amato

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark Weber and Jason McDaniel - "How about the big announcement from Lisa Seltzer?" Mark: "She said she wanted the a dream team, and the Hot Dice, they are the dream team. We're the team that's going on tour." "You're pretty confident. Jason, we've seen you talking to her a lot lately." "Well, it's a strictly professional relationship. She's new to the league, she doesn't really know what's going on yet, who's who, so, I'm helping her out." "There's nothing more to it than being professional?" "Danny, Danny, I gotta skate, that's it."

Jam 1: Devo jams, and does it well enough, knocking down Travis Wills. Well, until he fell on the turn and crashed the to the floor. Tim blocks - 3D on Devo! Travis catches back up and passes people, but only gets one point for it. Davidson takes out Wills feet too soon, I don't think he was supposed to. 3-2, Dice

Jam 2: Devo jams again, and so are Washington and D'Amato. The announcers question why McDaniel's (Marcus: "or at least [Jason] Bechstein!") not out there - double backdrop by Sean Davidson and Weber, and Devo passes everyone. D'Amato takes down Devo and Washington brawls on him. 8-2, Dice.

Jam 3: McDaniel's actually jamming. So is Devo. Travis Willis take the big bump over the rail. Wills is slow get back on the track, so he's lapped. Let's watch Lisa Seltzer cheer because Andy Wallis isn't going down yet. Double clothesline by Tim - bulldog on Weber by D'Amato.  Weber and D'Amato fight some more, but it's halftime and 12-6, Dice.


RollerJam Rewind: Last week. You read it then. Except for the part where I started to transcribe a conversation between Danny Wolfe and Mark D'Amato, stopped, and for about it. This week, I'll just tell you that Danny was mad and Mark beat him up. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark D'Amato - "Last time I saw you, you gave me a fisted tattoo, and frankly, say what you want to say, I don't even want to stand near you." "Thank you Danny, thank you very much. Listen up, listen up people. All you people are aware of my many acts of kindness - and generosity, my many contr-, my many contributions to charity, such as 'Tobacco For Tots.'" By the many breaths that D'Amato's taking between words, he's not only the donator, he's also a former member. "Well, I'm not hear to talk about me tonight, I'm here to talk about you. You fat slobs, working for minimum wage, sitting at home on your couch, watching me, I'm here to talk to you. I have an offer for you, a proposition if you will. And this proposition, if you take me up on this proposition, you can be just like me. Rich and famous. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about making you handsome. All right, let's get down to it, here's the proposition: As the owner of the New York Enforcers, in a month or so, I'm going public. That's right, I'm selling the piece of the Rock  and you two can be in it. We're selling shares, at an astronomically price, but we're selling shares and you too can get in all the glory. So, my suggestion is that you break open that piggy bank and call your stock broker. Now, I can see it now, I can see it right now - you people at home, you got the question marks over your head, so I'm gonna break it down for you, I'm gonna break it down a little further. Lindsey, Lindsey come here baby. In simple terms you can own a piece of this [Lindsey takes of her uniform top to reveal a skimpier outfit underneath] Don't be stupid people, get on board." I wonder if someone will buy a lot of stock and...never mind.

Period 3:

Danny Wolfe talks to Kenneth Loge - Danny sure moves quick. "Yes, Kenneth Loge, there are a few things we'd like you to comment on. First being, Lisa Seltzer remarks before the game about this big world tour. What's your take on it?"  "I think that's the most ill advised idea for a tour since Gilligan set sail with the Captian, don't you? Along with my good friend Thurston Howell the third, of course. Just kidding. Everybody knows the extent of my affection for the entire Seltzer family. Without Leo and Jerry, where would be, after all, but I really do believe that young Miss Seltzer doesn't completely comprehend what's involved in the promotion and exploitation of professional athletes. It might seem to the outside that all you do is print the tickets and then set the lines loose on the creation, but there's really a lot more to it and it takes experience to keep a steady hand on the reigns." "Are you at all scared - she's talking about taking a team out of the this league? Does this worry you at all?" "Things have never been better in the World Skating League. We're enjoying unprecedented order, calm and prosperity, why would anybody want to leave this and take a chance when an unproven commodity, I don't understand?" "I'm gonna switch directions for a second here - how about Amanda Hurtz, the coach of the Hot Dice, we haven't seen her in a little while. What happened to Amanda?" "Well, if you read this morning's Wall Street Journal, I think your probably saw that the Fifth District Court of Appeals dismissed her claims against me with prejudice and so, I'm just following suit, no pun intended. I've relived her of her duties with the Nevada Hot Dice, we just don't need that kind of rancor here" "And lastly, touch on Mark D'Amato's comments on halftime, on selling shares of the Enforcers." "Why am I not surprised that two weeks after I gave it to him, Mark D'Amato is pawning his most precious possession. He said it himself, he said rule number one is 'don't believe a word you hear from Mark D'Amato's mouth.' If anybody is seriously in investing with Mark D'Amato, all I can say to you is donshaws." Okay, point for clearing up Amanda Hurtz, though you think someone on the Hot Dice might actually care that she's gone. Or that Loge might also want to point out that he's not really Heather Gunnin's father. Maybe they hadn't figured that out when they taped this.

Jam 1: Telisa and Lindsey jam - Telisa takes off the helmet, and looks at it - she doesn't use it and cleanly takes out everyone anyway. The announcers continue their speculation that Telisa' got ulterior motives - she wants to get on Lisa's team, and if she skates straight, she may do it.

Jam 2: Bulldog by Shay on Lindsey. April Tootle and Jenny Matthews get out. They're close  till Jenny gets an elbow. Lindsey blocks, but Jenny accidentally passes. For the purpose of this story, she actually didn't so Shay can hit the clothesline (better) on Telisa to take her out. 13-10, Dice

Jam 3: All four names out on the jam. No one gets an advantage until Lindsey takes a nasty fall out of the track on and (and off of the stage.) Next time around, Telisa decides to top that hit by flipping Jenny face first on to the stage.  Telisa and Shay really don't get buy any, but they still fight after. Shay and Sean Corbin have a conversation that we watch, for some reason. 15-10, Dice.

Backstage, Lisa Seltzer and Mark D'Amato talk. "I can offer you something that none of these other chumps can offer you - half of this team, there will be - all we were doing is being screwing Loge - you will be gaining the most recognizable skater in the world, me. "Why don't we discuss this after the game?" Lisa doesn't seem to be too sold on the idea. Back on the track, Lindsey's taken off her top again, awful time for a commercial.

Especially a Benny Hill one.

Period 4:

We're back, and Lindsey is still skating around like that, which is nice.

Jam 1: We're stalling for some reason. Oh, D'Amato's taking his time to get back on the track. Devo's jamming again, against Travis Wills. Wills kinda backs off, so Devo gets to the pack, a double block by Washington and D'Amato. They hold him up so Wills can flip over (kinda crushing Devo's head into the track) and going on to pass everyone. 16-14. Jason's too busy talking to Lisa to care. Tim interrupts to talk to Lisa, who seems to rather talk to Jason.

Danny Wolfe talks to Devo - "Devo, you've been a maniac tonight, a complete maniac, you're not yourself out there." "I just know they can't go. Look, I'm on parole right now, and I don't want to go back to jail. That's the bottom line, I don't want to go back to jail." "So what, you don't want the team to go on a world tour?" "If I don't go, nobody goes!" Hey, Sean Davidson can talk! "Devo, the Hot Dice is going on the tour, even if I have to put my big, size seventeen foot up your ass!" And they fight. Um, that was out of nowhere (except that I was already told about this feud.) So, they're fighting and Lisa's unhappy and it's as good a time as any to go to break.

You know, Amanda's gone two games and this team falls back apart. And I'm the only one noticing that connection. Hey, how does Devo jamming make the team not go on tour?

Jam 2: So, Devo's on the bench, but he's the only one doing anything tonight, so that's probably not a good thing. Andy Wallis and Jason McDaniel jam, with Jason simply moving out of the way when Andy Wallis jumps at him. Weber floats back to flip him over Washington, and McDaniel slides right under D'Amato in one good motion. 21-14, Dice. Hey, how are they gonna blow this? Devo's going after Tim Washington, Sean's going after one of them. Or maybe both. Tim pushes Corbin, so he's going to the box - hey, maybe the Dice won't blow this. Tim's not happy.

Jam 3: Devo is standing over by the bench. McDaniel and Wills are out. They're avoiding each other's moves, with Jason getting an elbow to knock him back a bit. There's the pack - Jason is supposed to jump it all but it doesn't quite work right.  Weber gives some move to Wills that we never get to see, and Lisa looks upset. Ah, I think I just figured out where this is going. Meanwhile, the Dice just beat the Enforcers and no one really makes much of it, so I guess it's not really important.

Final: Nevada Hot Dice 24 - New York Enforcers 14

Lisa goes on to the track to talk to Jason and we're done.

Man, this league must really sucks is everyone's taking the first ticket out of it...

The Cubs Fan
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