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/22 December 2000
Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan




California Quakes (3-3-1) vs Illinois Riot (3-4-1)

Open: The Riot want to go on the tour. King Richard Brown doesn't like Sean Atkinson. Sean's incomprehensible. So, in usual form.

Announcers are Marc Loyd and Rory Markus and they talk about Sean not getting a kidney removed, in case you missed that. Over on the Riot, Ray Robles is still gone, Bill Barker maybe, and Richard Brown was the reason they won last time, like it or not.

Intros. I guess I shouldn't complain about no one identifying Marquita Jones if I can't remember who she replaced. Mo Sanders raises the roof. Bill Barker is still here. Denise Loden pulls out a leopard bikini top and a bottom for the announcers. You get the feeling that Jerry Lawler would have a stroke on this show.

Danny Wolfe talks to Jamie Conemac: It's not gossip if it's true. Jamie says something that gets bleeped many a time about the Oral Authority, but it seems to be that they wouldn't be able to keep up with their daily activities if they were on tour. The Enforcers are too messed up in the head, with Lindsey being a prude one week and Lindsey the next, and Mark not sure who's he related to, so they can't go on tour. Quakes wouldn't go on tour, because that'd interfere with Jamie hanging out on the beach. So that leaves the Hot Dice. (That's as close to "Bye bye Sundogs" as we're getting, you know.) Jamie points out the close relationship between Jason and Lisa Seltzer (who's in the stands, of course), so that seals it.

Period 1:

Danny Wolfe talks to King Richard and Denise Loden: Richard's handed out bracelets to everyone with "WWRD" on it - he wants everyone to behave (and not fight) in order to get on that tour, so he wants them all thinking "What Would Richard Do?" Denise acts like Denise. Lisa doesn't seem into Denise's antics.

Match up features Stacey Blitsch and Denise Loden. Richard Brown joins the commentators to be sure no one pays attention to this period. 

Jam 1: Denise and Stacey fight rather than skate. Amy Craig and Jamie just skate.  The blockers and the jammers pair off and the blockers beat up the jammers. and it's like I've seen this before. Richard says everyone on his team won't be fighting tonight, they'll be thinking WWRD. Markus: "I started thinking like that, but then I got suicidal."

Jam 2: Watching people talk is more interesting than watching people skate, so I'm not exactly sure how Jamie gets to the back of the pack and the double block, but I do know that Stacey breaks it up and Jamie gets 2. 3-1, Quakes. Stacey with the handstand splash. Richard on the Riot: "We're the most normal team out there." The scary thing is I think he might be right.

Jam 3: Hey, look, there's people talking. There's Lisa watching something. I wish I could see what she's watching. Oh, back to the track. Gina Lombardo and Amy jam, with Stacey accidentally letting Gina by but we ignore that for the purpose of the story. Laura sets up Stacey and Jamie for the Loden Sky Scrapper, and it's 5-3 Riot. This is what you call "a formulaic period"

Period 2:

Match up Sean Atkinson and Richard Brown, the center of the respective teams. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Bill Barker. Barker starts talking (reading of his cue card) about how happy he is to be going on tour, when Richard comes over and yells at him - he's reading next week's card.   

Jam 1: Christian Salvia takes out Tom Smith with a nice hip check, leaving Mo and Eric Slopey. The announcers speculate that Lisa's looking at Mo or Slopey as a member or the team. They both go around the pack, then Slopey cheap shots? Mo and takes him down. Richard holds back Mo from fighting, while Mo's all "I can win this one! Come on!" 9-7, Riot.  

Jam 2: The announcers point out that taking a team out, RollerJam would be scrw4ed. Salvia and Mo take out the quakes and get out on their own. Schalin and Atkinson with the double block, Air Ninja by Brian Gamble, who's really happy about hitting it. Salvia and Mo circle some people, passing around everyone again. Barker goes to hit a clothesline on Atkinson, but Atkinson ducks and Richard (who's on the track for no good reason) takes him out instead. At any rate, it's 21-7, Riot

Jam 3: Pasi Schalin clears out Salvia, and is easy to the backpack, so the Riot try a pull away. Well, Brown doesn't, he stops and tries to take out Atkinson, which just slows him down so he can take out the rest of the Riot the next time through. 21-10, Riot. Obviously, Barker's the only one thinking WWRD.


RollerJam Rewind: Lisa Seltzer announcers her world tour. There, she says the tour is to put together a team. But everyone's acting like they're picking a team now and it's going on tour (and facing who?) I like it how Kenneth Loge talked about exploitation. Here's a final shot of Amanda Hurtz. Mark D'Amato's selling his team. Devo turned on his team and we should never seem him again then. Lisa Seltzer wants Jason McDaniel.  For his marketing power. Only. Really. We wouldn't keep telling you this.

Why are Richard Brown, Denise Loden and Lisa Seltzer talking?

Danny Wolfe (w/note card) quotes Lisa's last week's interview to Sean Atkinson: "She said 'RollerJam was nothing more than wrestling', that 'RollerJam's an embarrassment, and she wants a game that's all about skating." "Lisa Seltzer, my grandparents started with your grandfather. My mom and dad stayed with your father. I'll tell you what, they weren't embarrassing, they worked their ass off to put on a hell of a roller derby game! This is the next step, baby! Yea, sure, we might use some chairs, yea, sure, we might get a little violent, but I think that's what the people want! And as far as your tour's concerned - you want to take one special team to go on tour? No! We all go on tour. And let me tell you something, you won't do that, so take you richy [bleep - bitch?] ass to whatever the hell you came from!" Lisa, who's been paying more and more attention to Sean as he's gone on, rips the mic from his hand. Sean turns his back on her and starts to skate away  "Charming! Look, Sean, I have no doubt you care about the game. [Sean turns around and skates back] But I think - I have no doubt that you care about the game, but I think you and I both know that what I need more is not just a skater who cares about the game, but a skater who, hmm, I don't know, can skate!" "Oooh!" "You know, I've grown up in this business, and your father never threw trash cans around, he never jumped from a cage onto the skaters below. Look, if you can't cut it, fine, but there are a lot of other skaters here-" Sean grabs the mic, still in Lisa's hands. "I can't cut it?" "-people here who can, and those are the people I am interested in!" "I hope you find them! I hope you find them." "Oh, don't worry, I will. But not here" Sean spits Lisa.

That was quite nice. I think I'm on the 'wrong' side on this one, but everyone can now understand both sides, even if they don't agree with them, I think. Anyway, is that how they're getting out of this angle (and explaining no TV)? Strange.

Period 3:

Why are Broadway Danny Wolfe and Kenneth Loge in the crowd? He's giving autographs. He still doesn't seem too worried about Lisa Seltzer's plan, and it is weird that he's siding with Sean so much lately. 

Jam 1: Third Wheels COLLIDE! Laura Weintraub knocks down Cindy Zimmerman. Jaime and Amy jam, and all the sudden there are downed people in front of them. Why? Who knows. Denise and Stacey are up, so I guess we can blame them. Again, Richard has to stop a member of his team from fighting. 25-14, Riot

Jam 2: Amy and Jaime jamming. Announcers talk about Jenny Matthews lead; Amy's apparently closing in. Amy runs Jamie into a low blow from Denise. Huh? Is that what Richard would do?  25-15, Riot

Jam 3: The story which the announcers are pushed with is that Lisa Seltzer is just in it for the cash (and therefore evil), while her dad and his dad and Sean and Sean's dad cared about the skaters. You will be quizzed about this later. Jamie and Stacy just happen to loose their helmets (seems only to happen when they want to show off how cool their hair looks while skating fast) and they lap the pack once, and then jump over the top for a second time. Denise goes after Stacey (Stacey never really gets up - hurt?) and Richard decides that if he can just get the cameras not to film it ("Don't look this way!"), Lisa won't notice it. Despite Lisa being in the crowd.  33-23, Riot.

Period 4:

Danny Wolfe talks to Richard Brown.  He's confident that this 10 point lead (and victory) will get them on tour. Lisa Seltzer (shown on the big screen while Brown is talking) is saying something, but we don't hear it and I can't read lips. But I'm betting she doesn't agree.

Jam 1: Barker and Pasi jam, with neither going anywhere till Atkinson takes down Barker with a sky scrapper. Pasi passes everyone, and it's 34-28, Riot. Barker just got himself benched, not a surprise.

Jam 2: Slopey takes down Mo Sanders, and seems a little surprised, looking at Mo before continuing skating. Barker blocks, so maybe he didn't get blocked. Atkinson with a kick to the gut and a leg to the back to take care of Barker.  For no particular reason, here's a Ack Attack on Atkinson. Barker goes after Atkinson, and Barker reminds him about the bracelet. Brown asks him for the Barker takes it and clocks Sean with it. "You said What Would Richard Do, that's what Richard Would Do!" Despite being right, Barker gets sent to the showers early. 34-33, Riot

Guess who's skating for the Riot again? 

Danny Wolfe talks to Richard Brown. Talking in the past tense for some odd reason, Richard says that Sean never has respected Roller derby, the Riot are going on that tour, and Richard is gonna take Sean down.

Jam 3: Richard has the jammers helmet, and he goes out with Pasi. That's a really bad shot to the back. Atkinson and Pasi beat him, with Sean hitting a bulldog. Lisa is displeased. The announcers remember that the Riot are in the lead. Brown blocks Pasi, Sky Scrapper? No, just a a trash can. Pasi takes off his shirt and skates into the crowd. Laura and Denise try to revive Richard, who's out on the track. Amy, that generous soul, offers her lollypop. 

Danny tries to interview Richard, who's out on the track. Denise thinks about giving CPR, but just gives Danny Wolfe a big kick. Okay, now he's recovering, I got worried for a second there.

Final: 38-34, Quakes

Here's a few replays. That's the game.

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