You are here
Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan




Nevada Hot Dice (5-4-0) vs New York Enforcers (3-5-1)

Open: Last week, Jason McDaniel proposed a tournament for the tour slot - and Lisa Seltzer agreed. Tonight, either the Enforcers or the Dice will be eliminated. There's Mark D'Amato - he reminds us that he's selling shares of the team. I'm not sure what Lindsey Francis is selling, but I'd sure buy that new poolside footage

Rory Markus and Marc Loyd hype us up - Rory dubs this the Lisa Seltzer Invitational. It seems to look something like this:

Dice-----/            |
Riot-----\            |

They talk, and we go to the Dice locker room.

Danny Wolfe talks to random Hot Dice: Mark Weber thinks they're the best team in the WSL, so no sweat. Shay Brown reminds us what Stacey Blitsch's last name rhymes with. Jason isn't worried about losing his slot on the touring team. Jenny Matthews nervously says that she isn't at all worried about Devo still being on the loose and thinks he's a nice guy - he needs to turn himself in, though. Sean Davidson rather just beat the crap out of Devo. Yea, that's just what I'd say when I've got a psycho wanting to kill me.

Intros. Shay has 18 points, Jenny has 62. Sean Davidson gets a separate entrance tonight and we clip out the rest of the men Dice to show a recap of the last time these two teams went at it (from 12/15/00, the last time we even saw the Enforcers) - that's still a nice 3D move.  Tim Washington comes in with 18 points, Telisa Miller has one less at 17. Lindsey has 21 in a lot less games. And now we've got a guy on the Enforcers with a mask (w/numbers) on, wearing a number 12. The announcers are clueless, but I think it's Bill Barker.  D'Amato has 32 points.

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark D'Amato: The masked guy is the Enforcers way of drawing in Latin America, when they go on tour - he's "El Numerico" D'Amato tells us that they're entertaining and educational - listen to El Numerico count in Spanish. He sounds an awful lot like Devo for some reason.

Period 1:

The match up features Telisa Miller and Shay Brown, and perhaps this is the last time we gaze upon one of them in their old outfits?

Danny Wolfe talks to Lindsey Francis: She's confident that they're gonna win. She's the key to the men viewers.

Jam 1: Telisa dumps Shay over the rail just as the whistle sounds. Jenny gets out on the jam, taking out an Enforcer, and is stopped by a Enforcer double block - Telisa with a flying clothesline to take Jenny out. We remember that Telisa's playing clean to impress Lisa - but does she still need to do it? Zero Zero.

Roller Rules - they forget to show this last time, so they'll show it late this time.

Jam 2: Shay and Jenny take out the Enforcers and easily catch the pack. Telisa blocks, focusing on Shay and letting Jenny get by. Jenny passes Brooke Sunderman as Shay and Telisa decide just to fight, and Jenny doesn't get much further, 3-0, Dice.

Jam 3: Telisa takes down Shay early. The announcers note the Enforcers procuring two trash can lids. Lindsey has trouble with Belinda Morgan, but takes her down just as Telisa gets the lids - shots for EVERYONE. 4-3, Enforcers. Lisa's not too happy about this turn of events.

Who exactly does Lisa want to win, anyway? Not the Quakes, because they won't go. Not the Enforcers, because they're a bunch of degenerates. The Riot aren't that much better, especially with Denise Loden. And Shay's got no love for Lisa after being snubbed.

Kenneth Loge is watching the game from his commissioner's box? Why did he let Lisa schedule this tournament, anyway?

Danny Wolfe talks to Lisa: She still with she had that all star team, but since this is all about the skating, she's still happy.

Period 2:

Match up features Jason McDaniel and Mark Weber and Tim Washington and Mark D'Amato

Jam 1: Travis Wills (with striped soccer socks?) takes out Jason McDaniel and gets to the pack. Weber blocks, not seeing Andy Wallis' skates (he's being lifted by Tim and Mark) come towards his face. He goes down, Travis goes around, 9-3, Enforcers. Replay shows Travis running into Mark while they were giving a 3D to Weber - Travis bumps, but Weber still gets the move off

Jam 2: McDaniel has no problem catching up to the pack, or passing D'Amato after Weber gives Mark a chair shot. The pack goes down and McDaniel goes over - meanwhile, Davidson comes off the infield to hold D'Amato for another lunging chair shot from Weber that takes both of them over the rail. 9-8, Enforcers

Jam 3: Travis gets the better of McDaniel. Andy Wallis catches up, but the double block by Davidson and Weber is too much for either of them. Double Eliminator by Washington and D'Amato to take them out. Andy and Travis skate on, making it 13-8 for the Enforcers, while Weber gets treated to a double suplex.


RollerJam Rewind: Stacey says everyone's jealous of her, but they shouldn't be surprised that she got picked - "after all, I'm the best skater in the league." Here's Stacey and Sean Atkinson arguing, then Ray Robles getting brought back. We hear Ray making the challenge this week, and then highlights from the match race. I have no desire to see Richard Brown get CPR again. Jason again says "single elimination round robin tournament" which brings me much joy. Lisa agrees. Sean promises the win.

Here's El Numero. Here's a look at the Enforcers buying a property and setting up a restaurant, a bar, and a tattoo parlor. Odd cameos will be provided by Rory Markus.

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark D'Amato: "Do you guys think it's an accident that I'm the highest paid skater to ever skate on the track? Do you think it's an accident that when the Enforcers play, the ratings sky rocket?" And he goes on like that. Coming up soon, a restaurant in Times Square and theme park in Orlando. Doesn't this look like a good investment to you? Kenneth Loge stands nearby. D'Amato eventually leaves. What does Loge think of the tournament? In far better words that I, Loge backs off what he's said in week's past and reveals that people CAN leave the league if they want, but they'll never be allowed back. Wolfe questions if the league could go on if they lost (another) team. Loge (somewhat nervously) says there's no problem with a team leaving - plenty of other places want a team. Including Spokane and Belarus. 

Period 3:

Jam 1: Rory welcomes the many fans from Belarus. Jenny Matthews gets out on the jam alone, but is a little slow in catching up to the pack. In face, Lindsey's caught up to Jenny just as she gets to the pack, helping Telisa beat up Jenny. They're too busy doing that to notice Shay hitting her clothesline - this week, it's so powerful, it knocks down Lindsey with out it even hitting her. 12-11, Enforcers.

Jam 2: Shay with a bulldog on Telisa. Lindsey and Jenny skate. Telisa gets her revenge - fireman's carry drop for both Shay and Jenny. 13-11, Enforcers.

Jam 3: All four names are out, with Jenny getting a bit of the lead. The pack goes down - we all jump it and get back up. Telisa and Jenny break away from the other two this time - they got swallowed into the pack, I guess. The pack goes down again, and Telisa rails Jenny and tries to run through Shay - but they both fall down. Even Shay's a little surprised she stopped Telisa short of the pack. The scoring ends up 21-18, Enforcers, and that might be a weird note for one of those two to go out on - the one who has looked really powerful and who has looked kinda weak switch sides at the end.

Period 4:

Jam 1: Travis is up against both Jasons (Bechstein making an appearance for the first time tonight) and gets the better of it - but gets a Falcon Arrow for his trouble when he gets to Weber. Bechstein is up and passing people. D'Amato and Weber square off - Falcon Arrow for D'Amato! Wow. Dice are going to lose FOR SURE, but wow. 21-21.

Jam 2: Wills and Wallis get the jam for the Enforcers, but can't get passed the double block from Weber and Davidson. Tim and D'Amato use the Angel Of Death (isn't it a little late to give moves names?), an assisted double back elbow.  25-21, Enforcers.

Jam 3: No break? Huh. Washington and Weber jam, which is a double huh. They make little progress, beating the heck out of each other. Weber rails Washington! The pack gets bunched up and, thanks to a big Rail Bitter from McDaniel, goes down. Weber goes over, there's your four points, 25-25 and we've got overtime.

I wonder what the rules will be this time. I'd like to see Travis Wills versus Jason McDaniel in a match race (Travis wins = instant Jammer Belt feud), but I'm thinking it's not going down like that.

Overtime: Lisa selected our four big skaters from the Men's team - it's a tag team match race, 3 laps. Once you finish, you can't participate - so it's like a WWF tag team cage match, I guess. The announcers are talking about Lisa's being unfair, choosing D'Amato and Washington instead of a faster jammer, but come on, Mark would have made the same choice if he got to make it, we've seen it before.

There's the start, and they're all close as they start. Tim goes down as they complete lap one.  Double team on D'Amato, but that just sets them up for the big kill as they finish lap two. Enforcers putz around so the Dice get up and skate - no, they're gonna turn around for the double backdrop. The Enforcers are actually are up first, and D'Amato tells Washington to catch up the lap and leaves D'Amato there to beat up both the Dice. Here's a shot of El Numero for no real reason, maybe to cover a clip here. For some reason beyond me, the Enforcers decide to skate the wrong way around the track and run head on into Jason and Mark, knocking them down before they get to the line. Now the Enforcers are catching up, and they all fight just in front of the line.  McDaniel pushes Tim across the line - he's won, but D'Amato still needs to finish and Tim can't help him. Jason goes back to help Mark - double suplex! Come on, cross the line! THEY DO! DICE WIN! DICE WIN! THE ENFORCERS ARE HISTORY! THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER!

Final: Nevada Hot Dice 26 - New York Enforcers 25

Replays, which RULE.

My Thoughts:

Okay, that whole El Numero thing made no sense - maybe they'll finish that plot up later, I guess. Could've just been a red herring to fool people in to believing the Enforcers would cheat to win.

But I'm TOTALLY willing to forgive that for the end. I was expecting them to do the safe thing, the usual thing - have this tournament end up with a Quake/Dice final, like the two Founders Cup tournaments. Lisa could have been booked to favor the Enforcers (it's not like that's the biggest switch of personality on this show) and the Dice could have been jobbed as "young kids who aren't ready yet". Again.

That's not what happened - The Dice got to look equal (maybe even better) than the Enforcers down the stretch, and they got the win TOO. I figured all that offense they got in at the end (with D'Amato taking the big bump) was to make up for the lost, but they got both. And in the process, we got a fresher match up in the final - plus plenty of easy to tell stories: Stacey and Shay aren't gonna get along because of who got chosen, Sean and Jason are having differing views on the team, and how will Sean reaching out to Mark a few weeks back factor in?

(Of course, the Riot could win and make it really weird, but I'm pretty sure that's not happening)

You know, when you think about it, you can see the seeds of this match up all along - Remember Stacey and Jamie Conemac trying to stop Jenny from getting to 50? Slopey and McDaniel fighting and getting thrown in the cage for no real reason? Either this all really good luck or I was really daft in not seeing it coming, you decide.

Should I praise the bookers for doing the right thing? Heck yea. This was good work - and I've got no problems praising someone like Mark D'Amato when he's booking himself off my TV - this is the last I've seen of him if they're really gone in a couple weeks. (Well, unless he just happens to have an interview in a game he's not in - think that's a possibility?)

Bottom line: This RULED. Do more of it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright © 1999-2001 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission