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/wrestling /saturday night /20 May 2000 |
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/wrestling /saturday night /20 May 2000 |
| WCW Saturday Night by E.C. Ostermeyer | 20.5.0 |
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This is the WCW Saturday Night recap for Saturday, 20 may 2000, and I 'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer. We open with your lovable hosts, the blue-jeans-and-black WCW t-shirt-clad Terry Taylor, and the black Sears-Dad 'n' Lad-slacks-and WCW baseball-jersey-attired "Living Legend" himself, Larry Zbyszko. (Get all your high-fashion and high-priced WCW apparel at WCW.com. Kids, be sure to get your parent's permission and credit card.) We open with our hosts discussing Ric Flair winning the WCW World Heavyweight Title for an unprecedented fifteenth time on last Monday's Nitro. LarryZ says that "Ric Flair is an amazing man, an incredible athlete. He used the physical aspect of wrestling to play the human chess game well enough to proclaim himself the dirtiest player in the game. It was nice to see the Nature Boy break a record; it was also nice to see him put a shot into the guts of Vince Russo. But it didn't have a very happy ending, did it?" Taylor says that there will be more on Ric Flair's condition later in the broadcast, along with footage of Flair's collapse on Thunder. Also, a sarcastic statement from Vince Russo about holding a funeral for Ric Flair's career on the upcoming Monday Nitro. LarryZ snorts, and says that Russo's remark is "so obnoxious that I'm not even going to dignify it with a comment. It just proves what a low-life Vince Russo is. A funeral... that's just a mockery!" The Sting/Vampiro feud heats up, literally, as lots of stuff gets burned. "This has gone way past wrestling, 'Legend', says Taylor. "Yeah, way past," says LarryZ. "I've been in the ring with gigantic men. I've even been in the ring with a bear. But Vampiro, he's weird, and quite frankly, gives me the creeps!" Our first batch of piping-hot footage is the "House of Pain" steel cage match from last Monday's Nitro. Sting is just walloping Vampiro, "shining the cage" with his face, and finally shackling him to the cage wall itself. Vampiro, far from being in agony, is laughing crazily. Sting wins the match, the lights go out, and Vampiro disappears. Later, in the parking lot, Sting arrives to find his car burning merrily. Footage from Thunder shows Vampiro burning a Sting mask. Then, after Sting calls Vampiro out, the rules for the Inferno Match at "The Great American Bash" PPV are laid out, and Vampiro sets fire to the ring-ropes. LarryZ's take on the Inferno Match between Vampiro and Sting is quite cogent: "Well, I make jokes about what Russo and Bischoff are capable of. I jokingly said ' What are they gonna do, set somebody on fire?' and sure enough, that's just what happens. These are desperate men who are putting whoever's involved in this into a VERY dangerous situation!" Commercials. Vampiro t-shirt. 26 bucks. Because Vampiro says your destiny is beyond your control. "The World Is Not Enough" is out on video, where John Cleese nearly stole the show from Pierce Brosnan. Jon Lovitz's Yellow Pages, Atlanta Braves promo. Unlike your girlfriend or wife, your car thinks a little gas is a GOOD thing! Oh, and we can't have a commercial block without MCI fouling the airwaves in some form or another. This time, it's their collect-call scam. We come back... . . . and see Terry Taylor trying to set LarryZ on fire with a Bic lighter! Hey guys, smart move on a Saturday night when there's kids watching. Sheesh! Besides, you need a better accelerant than polyester. Gasoline, for instance. LarryZ is greatly amused by Mr. Taylor's efforts. The breakup of the Hogan family at the hands of Eric Bischoff, Billy Kidman, and the delectable Torrie Wilson is discussed. LarryZ says that, "Well, obviously, somewhere in the world, there's an empty kitchen! I don't know WHAT is going on, but all I see is Bischoff and Russo taking the young guys, dangling carrots in front of them, and using them like puppets!" Footage from Nitro shows Bischoff, Horace, and Billy Kidman backstage ...and they're WALKING! (Thanks, CRZ!) Bischoff's holding his jaw and telling Horace not to screw things up this week. Later in the ring, Bischoff calls Hulk Hogan out, saying that Horace is going to wrestle his own dear "Unka Hulky!" Horace doesn't look too happy at the prospect. In-ring action from the match shows Hogan walloping Kidman, as Horace stands back, doing nothing. Bischoff, incensed, leaps to the ring apron, chews out Horace and slaps his face. Horace sells the slap (better that his uncle could, at any rate) and clouts Bischoff right in the kisser, knocking him off the ring apron. The Filthy Animals arrive, which Horace and Hulk dispose of in short order. Torrie comes out, motions to Horace, who licks his lips and promptly waffles Hulk Hogan with a steel chair. Back come the Filthy Animals and Bischoff for the celebratory kick-in on the unconscious Hulkster, and Horace gets a bright red New Blood vest to wear. After the match, Horace and Torrie are seen getting into a limo, pursued by a protesting Billy Kidman, and a mollifying Eric Bischoff. "We're gonna talk about this, Billy! Don't worry, we're gonna talk about this!" Footage from Thunder shows Hulk Hogan challenging Billy Kidman for the "Great American Bash", and "Oh, yeah, 'WHORE-ASS', your ass is MINE tonight!" Further along, it's match time for Horace, who's backstage watching "Unka Hulky" in the ring, drumming his chest and pulling down twigs to eat. Hogan's bawling for Horace to "get his ass out here!" Horace complies, taking the lovely Ms. Wilson in tow. Well, Kidman won't allow THAT, until Horace convinces him through the use of a swung fist. To the match we go, and Hulk smites all before him, even tossing Kidman through a ringside table. Torrie Wilson enters the ring to minister to the fallen Horace (awwww...) but Hulk's got other ideas. After grabbing Torrie by the side of the neck, he fakes walloping her, and instead plants a big ol' smoocheroo right on Ms. Wilson! Bobby Heenan, never at a loss for words, cries "Ohhhh, I'd rather be hit! Talk about hoof 'n' mouth...!" Torrie collapses into what the "Romance-Writers-With-Three-Names" bunch call a "condition of swoon." A close up shows her grinning like a jack o'lantern, as she gets to her feet and follows after the departing Hulkster. Back to the studio, where Terry Taylor says that he always wanted to be Hulk Hogan, and after what I just saw, I REALLY want to be Hulk Hogan. Terry then begins making wet, smoochy sounds. LarryZ gives him a look, then says "Obviously, Torrie Wilson liked being with Hulk Hogan. Here's a chick who's been hanging around with the likes of Kidman, Horace, the New Blood... I don't know what her deal is, but I thought I caught a glimpse of something, a glimpse of a woman who's finally been in the arms of a REAL man, from the times when men were men, and women were glad of it. Of course, I also think that Torrie felt a really big wallet! Now Terry Taylor is giving LarryZ the look. Commercials. David Arquette in "Day Job: the Sequel!", Slim Jim, Boston Market, Judge Wapner, Super Soaker, and WCW Akshun Figgers, Git Yores Now! Segments of Mike Tenay's interview with Kris Kanyon are shown. (Note to WCW Post Production: The steel retaining bolts on the cranial ring should be anchored directly into the skull itself. This provides the patient's neck with much needed stability, and indeed prevents the whole apparatus from moving around. Sort of like it's doing right now! Sheesh!) Back in the studio again, and Taylor talks about Bischoff calling Diamond Dallas Page out. "Yes," LarryZ responds, " Bischoff is instilling the fear, playing mind games with DDP, so much so, that Page gets Sid Vicious to watch his back. Unfortunately, the guy watching Page's back was doing nothing of the sort." Footage from Nitro shows DDP cleaning house on Bischoff and Ernest "the Cat" Miller. DDP's soon-to-be ex Kimberly wallops him with a chair. This brings out Sid Vicious as Page's backup. A tag to Sid by DDP gets a chokeslam in return, and Sid joins the New Blood. LarryZ: "We know Sid Vicious gave up the Heavyweight Title belt rather than lose his opportunity. But to make a deal with the New Blood, is to make a deal with the devil himself!" Jimmy Barron, noted "phone phreak" and merry prankster, shills the Road Report about the upcoming Nitro in Grand Rapids, Michigan. ATTENTION, GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN! Would somebody PLEASE carjack the Goldberg Monster Truck? I'm getting sick of looking at the stupid thing! The angle is over, and we've all been teased enough, thank you! Besides, the way Goldberg's arm is messed up, it's a cinch he's not driving. WCW's probably got some wimp crewman up in the cab, not Goldberg! Trust me! C'mon, make wrestling history! Grab for the Goldberg! Here's your WCW Upcoming Events calendar: 5/20 Little Rock, AR 5/21 Kalamazoo, MI 5/22 Grand Rapids, MI (Nitro and Goldberg Truck carjacking) 5/23 Saginaw, MI (Thunder taping. Hey Saginaw, if Grand Rapids wimps out, it's YOUR turn next!) 5/29 Salt Lake City, UT Commercials. Same old, same old. Terry Funk's continuing defense of the WCW Hardcore Title is discussed. "Well," says LarryZ, "I know this goes against his family's wishes, but I'd like to see Funk hold that Hardcore Title for ten years. Or at least long enough for Russo and Bischoff to be thrown out of here. You never know, it could be a few months, but as long as Funk holds onto that Hardcore Title, it's a thorn in the side of the New Blood." Terry Taylor favors us with his impression of Terry Funk, which has LarryZ shaking his head in disgust. Looks like Taylor's trying on a new, "hip" persona. He's coming across like John Denver at a Kid Rock concert. Footage from Nitro shows the Misfits In Action getting new names, each alluding to marijuana. They also get a new recruit, fitness model and Jenny Jones show star, the lovely and buxom Tylene Buck, aka "Major Gunz." An excerpt from the match is shown, where the Misfits intervene, saving Terry Funk from a beat-down at the hands of the Filthy Animals. The unconscious Funk is restored to life through the mouth-to-mouth ministrations of Major Gunz. (Jeez, I hope he took out the chewing tobacco!) On Thunder, The Misfits and the Filthy Animals have it out; Booker T shows up to clean house, and Major Gunz heals Chavo Guerrero, Jr. (aka "Lootenant Loco!") Bobby Heenan speaks of Gunz's "incredible lung capacity", but the rest gets lost as we cut to "Mean Gene" Okerlund, doing an interview in the back with Booker T. LarryZ: "Booker T. is playing a unique game here. He could be a great asset to the New Blood, or he could be a great athlete and stand on his own two feet." Commercials. Hilarious "ExciteBike" videogame promo, Wendy's Dave Thomas tests the mettle of today's youth and finds it wanting, and Jackie Chan gets stoned with the Indians in "Shanghai Noon." This last may be the "sleeper" of the summer flicks mix, folks. You heard it here first. Now comes the sad and sorry tale of Shane "The Franchise" Douglas, and his ill-considered attempts to run the show while Bischoff and Russo are out of town, "on business." LarryZ: "Here's a guy who calls himself "The Franchise"; but, without Bischoff and Russo backing him up, his authority couldn't hold. He couldn't intimidate the athletes because Douglas couldn't FIRE any of them!" "He showed no respect, no respect at all," quips Taylor, doing his best Rodney Dangerfield impression. "Pretty good, huh, 'Legend?" "Oh yeah, you're GOOD all right...!" Footage from Nitro is shown, where Douglas uses the Wall as a tag-team partner against the current Tag-team Title holders, Kronic. Unfortunately, Douglas bails out, leaving the Wall in a handicap match in "GiantLand." On Thunder, Kronic's tossing Douglas around backstage. Later, in the ring, Douglas tries to escape, only to get walloped on, then dropped through a table by the Wall. Commercials. Repeat of the next to last bunch again. Sheesh! We at long last come to the Ric Flair/David Flair/Vince Russo business. Taylor says that the "golden rule" in the business is "Never Involve Family!" "Yes," says LarryZ, "by all means, keep the family out of it! We are celebrities, in the public eye. Our lifestyles are vastly different from the 9 to 5, cubicle-sitting, computer-punching (HEY, now...!) office workers. Russo has broken the "golden rule," by breaking into Ric Flair's house. No matter how he has used David Flair, Russo has steeped even lower the depths in forgiveness. The guy's a real jerk!" Footage from Nitro showing Russo, David Flair and Daffney in a home invasion at Ric Flair's house in Charlotte, NC. Later, Flair calls out David Flair, and tells him that tonight, he's gonna finally grow up. But first, Flair claims his shot at the World Heavyweight Title that Jeff Jarrett's got for later in the show. As for David, well, it's not good ol' Dad he's wrestling at the "Great American Bash," but Ric Flair! (So you just lace up them wrasslin' boots and step inside MY world, boy!) Jarrett gets to the ring about this time, and "El Kabongs" Ric Flair with a guitar shot. David stands over Ric and says "Fine DAD, you got a deal!" Later on, it's payback time, as Flair rolls Jarrett into a small package, and gets the pin and the win, thus becoming the WCW World Heavyweight Champion for an unprecedented fifteenth time. Vince Russo, who has been at the announcer's table for, ahem, "color commentary," goes ballistic. Post-match, he, Jarrett and David Flair pound the stuffing out of the Nature Boy. This brings out Kevin Nash to make the save. Nash hands Flair the Title belt, then raises his hand in victory. Thunder has Arn Anderson, broke foot and all, out to save Flair from a beating, and declaring that Jeff Jarrett's "gonna get some payback, Horsemen-style!" Anderson is then jumped backstage by the Badlanders and Jeff Jarrett. Later, Ric Flair faces the Badlanders and Jarrett, but again, it's Kevin Nash who makes the save. As Nash chases Jarrett up the ramp, Ric Flair collapses in the ring, and is helped up by referee Charles Robinson, who is there when Flair again drops to his knees on the ramp. Meanwhile, outside the arena, Shane Douglas is hollering for "Chosen One" to "hurry up and get on the bus!" Here comes Jarrett, hotly pursued by the Millionaires Club and their allies. Jarrett dives into the bus, and slams the door shut. Just in time to have the Millionaires Club tip over the New Blood's bus. Surprise, surprise, Goldberg's Monster Truck shows up as Thunder goes off he air. Terry Taylor says that the latest update on Ric Flair's condition from Vince Russo says that Flair may have suffered an aneurysm, (i.e. blown a blood vessel,) and that therefore his career will be buried on next Monday's Nitro. LarryZ gets the last word. "Russo is an armchair champion, a weekend wrestler. He's a guy who always wanted to be a wrestling star. But because he can't get in shape, his body is weak, and he's not a tough guy. He can't fulfill his dream. So, he's become a cancerous parasite in the body of professional wrestling. Finally, here's Ric Flair, who won the Championship fifteen times and got a record. Here's a guy who's only a human being, who has been beat up and punched in the head. How many years can you go taking the abuse he's taken? Ric Flair may be fighting for his life." Does Ric Flair have an aneurysm? Is his career about to be buried? Find out on this week's WCW Monday Nitro. Don't forget the special start time this week, one hour earlier, at 7PM EDT. That's the "Saturday Night" show for this week. And not one word was said about Lex Luger, Elizabeth, or Charles "Main Event" Palumbo. See y'all next week. E.C. Ostermeyer WrestleLine [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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