/27 May 2000
|WCW Saturday Night by E.C. Ostermeyer||
This is the "WCW Saturday Night" recap for Saturday, 28 may 2000, and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.
The "Great American Bash" PPV is two weeks away, and, though many story-lines will be resolved, many more will not.
Your hosts are Terry Taylor and "Wrestling's Only Living Legend" himself, Larry Zbyszko.
Both look as though they've just been teleported from the fourth tee.
The first topic for discussion is Terry Funk's continued defense of the WCW Hardcore Title. Taylor said that Terry Funk has been a burr under the saddle of Vince Russo, and especially Eric Bischoff, ever since they took over WCW on 10 April. LarryZ said that, "like a wrench in the cogs, like a flea on the dog, Terry Funk just won't go away. Here's a guy who should be retired and playing with his grandkids, something Bischoff would like to see more than anything. But no, he just won't go away."
We go to footage from this past week's Nitro and Thunder, where a tuxedo-clad Terry Funk (who's making a fashion statement by still wearing the cowboy boots and headband) announced his retirement from wrestling as of 1st June. Shane Douglas and the rest of the new Blood are ecstatic, until Funk tells them that it's really 1st June 2001, and that they'll have another year to try and get the WCW Hardcore Title off his wrinkled old ass. Douglas, incensed, leads the charge and the subsequent beat-down on Funk. Douglas steals the Hardcore Title.
On Thunder, Douglas tries to skate through his first title defense by booking a match with Norman Smiley and Ralphus as his opponents. This, of course, backfires as the gorilla-suit clad Ralphus is revealed to be Terry Funk, who promptly pins Douglas and wins back the Title. Bischoff is outraged by this turn of events, as is Ernest "The Cat" Miller, who keeps parroting everything Bischoff says. Bischoff chews out Douglas, demanding that he go get the Hardcore Title away from Funk, or he's on thin ice from here on out. Douglas disposes of Smiley; then drags Ralphus to the ring for some payback. This brings out the Wall to exact revenge on Douglas by chokeslamming him through the announcer's table.
Back in the studio, LarryZ says that Terry Funk lives for getting in the ring and wrestling. "If you took that away from him, you might just as well put him in the coffin with Kevin Nash."
Who's tougher, Rocky or Bond?
M&M promo with Steve Baldwin proves that his acting career is REALLY over now.
MY Daily Dose of Truth:
Here's a novel idea: YOU QUIT SMOKING!
Tobacco companies will only continue making cigarettes if YOU keep smoking them!
Take responsibility for your lives, humans!
Blaming others for YOUR screw-ups won't cut it anymore.
Terry Taylor and LarryZ appear to be indulging in some primate grooming rituals.
Actually Taylor is showing LarryZ where Daffney Unger walloped him with the statue.
"Y'know, you got to learn to duck," says LarryZ, who then expounds on the current turmoil in the WCW Cruiserweight Division.
Footage from Nitro and Thunder, where Daffney finally gets some stick time, and if you thought her screaming was annoying, boy, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffney calls out Crowbar as her first opponent. The match involves thumb wrestling, rock-paper-scissors, indian burns, and, amazingly, a sweet-looking DDT by Daffney. Interference by Chris Candido and Tammy Lynn, Daffney almost popping out of her top, Tammy Lynn almost popping out of HER top, Candido nailing Crowbar with his version of the Van Daminator, followed by a piledriver onto the steel chair. The referee chases Candido and Tammy Lynn away, while Daffney tries to revive Crowbar. The referee sees her revival as a pin attempt, and counts 1,2,3, giving Daffney the win and the Title Defense.
A "Mean Gene" interview with Daffney goes HORRIBLY wrong. On Thunder, Daffney is defending against Candido and The Artist (remember him?)
Tammy Lynn buys Ms. Hancock's clipboard, then waffles Candido by mistake, who collapses with Daffney on top of him for the pin, and this is, finally, the end of relevance for the Cruiserweight Title.
"The Perfect Storm" movie promo, with musical score cribbed from Costner's "Wyatt Earp." Thieves, and lame thieves at that!
Hilarious "ExciteBike" vidgame promo.
When I was younger, my buds and I had our own version of the NASA space program. We used a teeter-totter and an old engine block. Dougie Stevens held the record with a 50 ft. altitude and 75 yards downrange, though his landing was marred by the hedge getting in the way.
Complete this sentence: "A _______ and his ____ are soon ______!"
The sad tale of the dysfunctional Hogan family is discussed. Horace turns on "Unka Hulky", Bischoff rewards Horace with the, ummmm, "services" of Torrie Wilson, Billy Kidman takes exception, Horace pastes Kidman, "Unka Hulky" pastes Kidman AND Horace, then plants a big ol' smoocheroo on Torrie, (in a great angle that went cheerfully NOWHERE! C'mon, WCW, try for SOME continuity, for cryin' out loud!)
The question, says LarryZ, is whether or not Bischoff, through Torrie Wilson, can manipulate Kidman and Horace to his advantage, without the whole thing blowing up in his face. LarryZ says Bischoff won't be able to do it.
Footage (via the "Kidcam") shows Torrie giving Horace a backrub. Kidman and Horace in an impromptu match backstage, then into the ring with Torrie as the referee. "Unka Hulky" comes out, and makes a Kidman/Table "sammich" with Horace as the unwilling filler. Hulk Hogan rolls Kidman onto Horace, then makes Torrie count the pinfall. Hulk then gives Bischoff his marching orders. On Thunder, Bischoff tries to settle things between all parties, saying that it's business, not personal, anymore. In ring, Bischoff calls out anybody from the back to face his "finely tuned machine." Kronic responds and proceeds to beat some New Blood heads in. Horace seems reluctant to help out the now stuffing-deficient Mr. Kidman, and when Bischoff tries to resolve this, Horace decks him. The match ends when Horace gets a chair and wallops everybody, including Kidman.
5/30 Boise, ID (Thunder taping. Better bring a flak jacket, Boise fans!)
6/5 Atlanta, GA (Nitro at the Philips Arena)
6/6 Knoxville, TN (Thunder taping)
6/11 Baltimore, MD (PPV)
If the Boise taping is anything like last year, WCW may have to issue a "hazardous duty" bonus to the wrestlers making the trip. Sheesh!
Unlike your girlfriend, your car thinks that a little gas is a GOOD thing!
Use 1800CALLATT, and, oh yeah, don't go in the woods.
Randy Savage shows bipolar symptoms from inkblots. Nurse Goodbody shows restrictive clothing symptoms from recent boob-job.
Real brawny men who live in lakes use Ice Sport Aftershave from Aqua Velva.
Boston Market Chicken burns down your fridge.
Scott Steiner is the topic. Short fuse, incredibly strong, half-crazy. Says it all, don't you think?
As for the "I Quit!" match in the "Asylum" between Steiner and Tank Abbott, LarryZ says that HE knows enough to stay out of Steiner's way, but that Tank Abbott obviously doesn't. LarryZ also says that the "Asylum" match "looked like two outraged parrots in a birdcage!"
Footage from Nitro shows the first, extremely lame "Asylum" match between Scott Steiner and his brother Rick. Tank Abbott arrives, wallops the Cage Control Guy, raises the "Asylum" cage, and helps Rick with the beat-down on Scott. This brings out Kevin Nash who promptly cleans house.
LarryZ says that, what with cages, and killer attitudes, "this is not wrestling anymore, it's a slaughterhouse!"
Same old, same old.
The Booker T metamorphosis into "GI Bro'" is discussed. LarryZ says that if Bischoff can't control a wrestler, can't tie his hands, feet and head to the puppeteer's strings, Bischoff hates it. Booker T, or "GI Bro'" is so gifted an athlete, he can overcome any obstacles Russo or Bischoff put in his way."
Footage from Nitro shows the "weapons match" with Ernest "The Cat" Miller, along with the interference by Sean Stasiak that gives Miller the win. The post-match beat-down of Booker T gets stopped by the Misfits In Action. (Lash LeRoux does a running splash on Stasiak and catapults himself WAY out of the ring!)
Bischoff comes out and gives the MIA an opportunity to join the New Blood. Hugh "Capt. Rection" Morrus and the rest of MIA tells Bischoff to "Kiss..Our..ASS!" Backstage, Bischoff fires Booker T. On Thunder, Stasiak interferes again, this time in a match between MIA and the Filthy Animals. A fatigues-clad Booker T, aka "GI Bro'" comes to the rescue, then calls out Stasiak to be his first "casualty of war in a match later on tonight!" Footage of the match shows GI Bro making good on his promise.
Repeat of 1st QH commercial block. Yawn.
"Hurricane Kimberly" is the next topic, and the path of destruction she has made through several lives, including that of her husband, Diamond Dallas Page.
Mike Awesome, Kanyon, The Wall, Vince Russo, Liz, Lex Luger, even Ric Flair, have found themselves in the path of the storm. LarryZ, drawing an excellent analogy from the nation's 1975 Fuel Crisis, says that Bischoff and Russo are just practicing the old "Manipulation thru Intimidation" ploy, and it's all in favor of the New Blood.
Footage from Nitro shows Mike Awesome getting some hilarious stick time, wearing a 'cranial halo" and riding in a wheelchair.
Best line: "I NEED A SPONGE BATH!"
Awesome's in-ring antics brings out The Wall for a (snicker,chortle, guffaw!) "Table vs. Ambulance" match.
Awesome wins by putting The Wall through a ringside table. Post-match, Awesome and Shane Douglas try to put The Wall in an ambulance backstage. This is thwarted by DDP, who wallops Awesome and tosses HIM in the ambulance, while The Wall turns Douglas into a moist spot and a memory.
Later on, during the DDP/Chuck Palumbo match, Liz paintbrushes Palumbo, and Kimberly wallops Liz with a baseball bat. Mike Awesome's back from his ambulance ride, and clouts DDP with the "cranial halo." Lex Luger's out to save his lady-love, and gets his face "broken" by a "pec-flexor"-wielding Palumbo. Liz is put in the "care" of Kimberly, and promptly escapes. Kimberly whines to "Mean Gene" about being "shiny" for the interview. Uh, Kim, wrong guy to be talkin' to 'bout shiny, darlin', what with that doe of his, and all.
Anyway, Liz shows up and wallops Kim with the bat, then drags her to the ring, where a delighted DDP administers some "spousal correction" to Kimberly's second most prominent aspect.
Mike Awesome's on the Nitrotron, coming to you live on tape from Kanyon's hospital room, and he's not there to plump up Kanyon's pillows. As we fade to black, a frantic DDP's on the phone to the hospital, and Terry Taylor says we may see resolution of this at the Great American Bash PPV.
Jeff Jarrett SlapNuts T-shirts for twenty six bucks. "El Kabong!" lessons optional at extra cost.
Steve Baldwin vs. Blue M&M. Wherein it doth portend that a small piece of candy hath more intelligence than this poor sap.
Your Second Daily Dose of Truth:
Contrary to what they say, these anti-smoking people are NOT altruistic.
(If you don't know the word, look it up. That's what dictionaries are for!)
No one is an altruist.
The last time somebody was, they nailed him to a tree.
TV ads cost money.
Where do these people get their money?
Just For Men hair color. So natural, no one can tell. Honest. It's true! Stop laughing, already!
"Great American Bash" PPV promo. The on-screen graphics look like they were done by Ralph Steadman on a REAL bad day.
The Sting/Vampiro feud is discussed.
LarryZ: " In order for Sting to win the 'Human Torch' match, (at the upcoming PPV) he has to go completely to the dark side; I don't think Sting has it in him to do it!"
Footage from Nitro starts off with the Hogan/Vampiro match, where Kidman's interference gets Vampiro the win. A spur of the moment torch job on Hogan gets nixed when Sting breaks up the festivities. Mike Tenay'' interview with Sting finds him ambivalent to what may be required of him in the "Human Torch" match. And no, Vampiro's mind games aren't affecting him at all.
The lights go out, Tenay screams like a girl, and Sting plays volunteer firefighter by fanning the flames with his coat.
Nothing more to see here, folks. Move along, please.
Ric Flair/Vince Russo is the next topic, as is Kevin Nash.
How low will Russo go to destroy Ric Flair? "As low as he can," says LarryZ. "It's obvious that Russo wants to wipe out the Millionaires Club, the big names, the big stars in professional wrestling, and all for his own causes. But that goes against Mother Nature. This goes against natural selection and the order in which things must be. Time will take care of the Millionaires Club members, the old superstars will get replaced by the new ones that deserve it, that are meant to be, and not the guys chosen by Vince Russo!"
Footage from Nitro shows Russo & the New Blood burying Ric Flair's career, with a spangled robe, what looks like some comic books (for the trip?) and a large rubber nose standing in for the Nature Boy. Jeff Jarrett is re-invested with the WCW World Heavyweight Title by Russo, Kevin Nash pops out of the coffin, with Tony Schiavone hollering that Nash is "the ghost of Ric Flair's career!" Nash grabs the Title belt, and heads for the back.
More footage from Nitro, this time showing Terry Taylor and Reid Flair coming to the ring to plead with David Flair. David's not accepting any apologies today, wallops Taylor, then locks a Figure Four on Reid.
>From Thunder, Russo tries to work up sympathy for David Flair because the fans booed David on Nitro. Russo's got an old lady in the ring, (Heenan says it's Okerlund) who turns out to be Reid Flair's sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Snodgrass. She says Reid's a nasty, unruly brat, and that Ric Flair taught Reid how to make "flatulating noises" with his armpit, and put mirrors on all the boys' shoes to look up the girls' skirts. David Flair then invites Reid to wrestle him at the "Great American Bash."
Vampiro T-shirt. Twenty six bucks. Because your destiny is beyond your control. Say so right here on the label, see?
Kevin Nash/Vince Russo is discussed.
LarryZ says that, though Russo always wanted to be a wrestler, "his soft, pudgy, useless body prevented him from realizing his dream, making him a very frustrated man."
We repeat previous Nitro footage, showing Kevin Nash as a latter day Lazarus, rising from Ric Flair's coffin. He mops the floor with Flair and Russo, then grabs the WCW World Heavyweight Title.
The lovely Ms. Paulshock has a bad first day at work, trying to interview an enraged Russo, and then a VERY interested Kevin Nash, who sets up a match with Jarrett for the Title. The match, such as it is, seems concocted primarily of missed bits and continuity problems, culminating in a missed "Icky Red Stuff" drop. Jarrett gets the Title back, by the way.
Vince Russo is the topic, and his ability to get the wrong people mad at him. "When Scott Steiner cornered him, Russo offered up Jeff Jarrett like a pig with an apple shoved up it's throat!"
Thunder footage, and a repeat of the "Mrs. Snodgrass" foolishness from a moment ago, where we see a be-goggled Kevin Nash interrupt David Flair's little tirade against his brother, Reid.
Nash asks a be-goggled Scott Steiner to join him in a common-cause walloping of Vince Russo. Nash & Steiner decimate R&B Security, (the Chemical Mace having no effect because of the goggles.)
Nash jackknife powerbombs David Flair.
A terrified Vince Russo uses poor Mrs. Snodgrass as a human shield.
Nash convinces Russo to let "your girlfriend there go to the back" since he and Steiner just want to talk.
"Nash, you screw me, and you're DEAD!" snarls Russo, as Mrs. Snodgrass departs.
"Awright Nash, you got something to sayy-uurrggghhh!" says Russo, as Nash grabs him by the side of the neck.
Steiner demands a Three Way Dance with Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World Heavyweight title. Russo complies; hey, what else could he do?
The match is a wild affair, with Russo trying to first co-opt referee Billy Silverman, then snatching Steiner's lovely ladies. Meantime, Nash is mopping the floor with Jarrett. Russo again interferes with the match, but gets caught by Kevin Nash. An attempt by Nash to powerbomb Russo gets thwarted when Jarrett cracks him a good one with the baseball bat. Nash recovers, and pins Jarrett, but Russo drags Billy Silverman out of the ring, then nails him with a guitar shot. Jarrett nails Nash with a steel chair, and Russo, wearing Silverman's referee shirt, does the count. Nash kicks out!
Referee Mickey Jay tries to get to the ring and is prevented by R&B Security. Steiner clears a path, and Jay gets to the ring just in time to count Jarrett out, giving Nash the win and the Title.
Terry Taylor and LarryZ get in a last shill job for the "Great American Bash" PPV, and we are done.
See y'all next week.
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