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/saturday night
/17 July 1999

Saturday Night


Guest columnist: Justin Jones


It's WCW Saturday Night! The show that asks the question "What the hell are you doing watching THIS on a Saturday night?"

Opening credits, and lots of YOUNG people are DANCING!

Your hoary hosts are the not-ready-for-Monday Night players, Mike Tenay and Scott Hudson, who waste no time at all at filling us in on Nash versus Savage, Savage versus Hogan, Nash versus Hogan, and Sting versus Flair. Only ONE of those guys should have the belt right now, I'll let YOU decide.

Kidman v. Prince Nakimaki - Iaukea clubs Kidman across the back before the bell rings, elbow to the back of Kidman's head, headbutt, ANOTHER elbow. Kidman slow to get up. Iaukea setsup for the springboard -- mid air armdrag reversal by Kidman! Standing Dropkick by Kidman. Whip, back body drop by Kidman, forearms in bunches to the Prince. Whip, the Prince holds on and slips out to the floor. Iaukea taunts the crowd 'cause he's a HEEL. Prince is in, clubs Kidman while behind the ref. Headbutt by Iaukea. Scott Hudson won't shut the hell up about Bischoff doing the RIGHT THING last Monday on Nitro. Whip by Iaukea, hiptoss, reversal, Kidman backflip--RIGER BOMB by Kidman! 1,2,no. Punches by Kidman. Whip, reversal by Iaukea, Kidman reads the dropdown and greets it with an elbow. Both men up, whip, Kidman leapfrogs, off the ropes again -- MISSED SPOT! They clunked heads together, and it look like it HURT. Kidman tries a suplex--reversal by Iaukea who suplexes Kidman to the floor! Iaukea on the floor now, bashes Kidman against the STEEL steps. Kidman barely avoids the count out. In now, gutshot to Iaukea through the ropes. Kidman springboards into a fireman's carry by Iaukea--Samoan Drop. Snapmare by Iaukea, off the ropes, mini-legdrop by the Prince. Kidman whipped into the corner. Kidman's out, whip, Iaukea uses ref Johnny Boone to maintain his leverage against a sunset flip. Iaukea taunts Kidman, Kidman slaps his face. Iaukea taunts him a second time-a, and again is slapped. YOU CAN'T TAUNT KIDMAN! Cradle by Kidman, 1, no. Kick to the midsection by Iaukea. Vicious knee-scrape to the forehead by the Prince. Iaukea uses his foot to choke Kidman on the ropes, ref break. Iaukea with a "lethal" (sayeth Tenay) right hand to Kidman. Another right, and another. Hmm, maybe it's not so lethal after all. Kidman comes back, punches in bunches to Iaukea's midsection, but Iaukea beals Kidman to the middle of the ring. Snapmare by Iaukea, followed by a knee to the shoulder blades. Ref break, Kidman comes back with punches in bunches. Whip by Kidman, reversal, catches Iaukea's kick, ducks the enzuiguri, Kidman with a run-up-the-turnbuckles bulldog. Cover, 1,2,no. Whip by Kidman, reversal, float over by Kidman, ducks a punch, but doesn't duck Iaukea's back kick. Cover, 1,2--Iaukea lifts up Kidman's head! YOU DON'T LIFT UP KIDMAN'S HEAD! Iaukea goes for the powerbomb, and, stop me if this sounds familiar--it is reversed by Kidman for a face-plant. Kidman drags the body, climbs the ropes, and hits the Shooting Star Press. 1,2,3 (6:52). Oh well, I've seen worse matches. Seen better matches too, though.

Gastrol GTX brings us the Play of the Week--a scintillating montage of the "highlights" of the match you just saw.

Still to Come: The Franchise throws down the gauntlet to Flair! I'll bet Sting could out-wrestle Reid Flair!

Bam Bam Bigelow finds a shirt that's as hardcore as he.

Tonight on the Super Station: "Point Break" aka the last movie Kathryn Bigelow made before James Cameron left her for Linda Hamilton.

Hey, Sgt. Savings (who bears NO resemblance to Maj. Payne) wants you to call 1-800-Collect.

Floating Coke bottle makes kids move REAL fast.

"In a house where reality is an illusion...." ...there exists a crappy remake of a really great movie--"The Haunting"

Play-stay-shohn Driver--you are the wheelman.

Pep Boys, Cinnaburst, and Scott's Turf Builder all beg for your money.

Gene Mean works tonight! (well, not really, cause it's taped...) If you call the Hotline, he'll tell you about Shane Douglas' first backstage meeting with Ric Flair, and how Douglas cried like a pussy when Flair slapped the figure-4 on him. Ok, maybe that LAST part wasn't in there, but I WISH it was.

Mr. World Class [bobsledder] Chip Minton v. B.A. (w/Hannibal, Face, Murdoch, and oh yeah, the No Limit Soldiers) Armstrong offers the Hand of Friendship(tm) in reply to which Minton spits in his face. Kick to the gut by Minton. BA in the corner, and Minton with a gutshot. Whip to the opposite corner, but BA avoids the splash. Standing dropkick by Armstrong. Minton slips outside the ring as BA dances suspiciously like a white guy in another wrestling promotion. Minton taunts BA from the apron now. Back in, lockup, full armdrag and twist by BA. Another twist, back to a headlock by BA. Whip by Minton, but he's shoulderblocked down by BA. Armstrong off the ropes back and forth 3 times as Minton ducks, slides, and leapfrogs, until he catches BA in a powerslam. Crotch-chop by Minton (ooooh!), stomp to the gut, cover, 1,2, no. Rear chinlock by Minton. BA hulks up, but Minton with a kick to the gut. Minton beals BA across the ring, jumping legdrop by Minton. Cover,1,2,no. Blatant Choke(tm) applied by Minton, who won't stop saying "Hooty-Hoo!" much to my chagrin. Snap suplex by Minton. Jumping ax-handle misses, BA up with a punch, another punch, yet another punch, a whip into the ropes so that he can hit Minton with yep, you guessed it, even still another punch. Knee lift by BA. Snapmare takeover, BA off the ropes, elbow drop. Another elbow drop. Cover,1,2,no. Punch by BA. Knee by Minton, scoopslam attempt, but BA floats over--Ubiquitous Side Russian Legsweep!! 1,2,3. (4:03) A "happy Swoll" joins BA and Chase Tatum to celebrate in the ring. Hey Tenay, what exactly is a "happy Swoll"??

Still to Come: Back to the Bash at the Beach! No, it ain't a Frankie Avalon flick. It's the Junkyard Invitational!

Go-Go Gadget movie preview!

You're probably wondering how David Arquette got his bod (and his wife, and his job...) by dialing 1-800-CALL-ATT

Hot chicks beg for Starburst

Keith David narrates the classically-scored Nitro montage. Guess John Carpenter's between film shoots.

Chrysler/Plymouth and Royal Pest Management beg for your hard-earned dollars.

Demolition, Barry Darsow v. Silver King - Silver King does a neat-looking roundhouse kick taunt. Lockup, King in the corner. Darsow punches, chokes, then punches some more. Whip by Darsow, but King does a backflip off the top turnbuckle. King ducks Darsow's clumsy punch, then gives him a leg lariat from behind. King on the second rope, missile dropkick! Cover,1,2,no. Darsow in the corner, chop from King (whooo!), whip by King, but he falls prey to Darsow's sneaky back-elbow as he follows up. Terribly executed clothesline by Darsow, King in the corner, Darsow punches away. Scoop slam. Darsow outside twisting King's arm around the ring-post. Now he's back in, giving King what looks like an Indian wrist-burn. Punches by Darsow, scoop reversed into an inside cradle, 1, no. Darsow's on top of Silver King, punching like a playground bully. Whip by Darsow, float over by King, to the 2nd turnbuckle, Asai Moonsault misses!! Darsow then applies the Barely Legal submission hold. Hudson: "Can Silver King get out of this?" Magic 8 Ball: "Signs point to 'No'". (submission, 3:25)

Road Wild is August 14th in some state nobody cares about.

Money is no object to Sting, because he carries the WCW Card. Oh, and also because he's the f'n bomb, baby!

Spree is a kick in the mouth

Coca Cola continues to make the young people do crazy things

David Arquette is on an airline, telling some chippie about 1800CALLATT. That would be ironic if there wasn't even a phone on the plane though.

Legos shill Juicyfruit gum

Pep Boys, Driver by Play-stay-shohn, and Footaction all want one thing, and chances are it's in your pants. Yeah, your money, of course!

Gene Mean works yet again, informing us of upcoming Nitros in Rockford, Ill., Memphis, Tenn, Sioux Falls, S.D., Boise, ID, as WCW makes it's yearly tour of "States that Nobody's Been To or Cares About" in preparation for Road Wild. During the Sturgis Rally, isn't it sad that Hell's Angels will make up about 40% of the population of South Dakota?

Promotional consideration paid for by: Slim Jim, Naya, Compuserve, Motel 6, Western Union, and Targon Mouthwash.

Erik Watts v. The Gambler - maybe i should take Kenny Rogers' advice on this match: know when to walk away, know when to run. Lockup, kick by Gambler, who runs Watts' head along the ropes. Three elbows by Watts(that's versatility!), whip, back body drop. Watts does a weird one-armed side-slam. Stupid taunting by Watts, who is acting like someone who ISN'T wearing goofy bell-bottom dungarees with yellow pleats. Big lariat by Watts. Another big lariat by Watts. Hey, he could be the next Lex Luger! The prospect of a third straight lariat scares the Gambler out of the ring. Watts follows, punch, punch, pushes Gambler back into the ring. Whip into the corner by Watts, another whip by Watts, but he falls prey to the Gambler's sneaky back elbow. Gambler slams Watts' head into the turnbuckle, then an elbow,a thigh shove, and a snap suplex. Cover,1,no. Hudson: "Erik Watts has been around this sport for 5 or 6 years, and he's double-tough!" Watts and Gambler trade punches, kick by Gambler, full arm drag and twist. Kick by Gambler, belly to back is reversed through Watts' clever shift of his useless protoplasm. Forearm shivers by Watts, whip, Gambler holds onto the ropes and Watt's dropkick falls short. Gambler points to his brain, cause he's clever. Shin scrape on Watts' forehead. Half-nelson choke on ropes by Gambler, ref break. Nostril-pull by Gambler, ref break. Kick by Watts, punches by Gambler, and they trade blows. Snapmare by Gambler, followed by a stomp. Cover,1,2,no. Rear chinlock applied by Gambler, then an elbow. Another snapmare by Gambler. Gambler to the second rope, but he missed Watts' leg sticking straight up in the air before he jumped. Watts whips Gambler into the corner. Kick, gut-wrench powerbomb against the top turnbuckle. Watts tries to do what looks like is a reverse Rock Bottom, but obviously didn't think before hand how it would snap Gambler's neck violently to the side. Watts is so inept, and I shit you not, that it takes him 5 seconds to figure out how to roll Gambler over for the cover. 1,2,3. (4:29)

Up Next: We go to the Junkyard!

Mystery Men--hey, putting your shorts on when you're fighting evil with Janeane Garofalo takes all the fun out of it

Wild Wild Wuss uses 1-800-Collect

Twix. There's two bars in there, you know

Hey, aren't those glasses like Jim West wears in Wild Wild West, but weren't invented until the mid 20th century?

Flying bottles of Coca Cola are everywhere!

Close-captioning sponsored by Armor All

Let Us Take You Back to the Bash at the Beach Junkyard Invitational. People were hurt, Finlay prevailed

La Parka v. Spyder (aka the Artist Formerly Known as El Anonymoso) La Parka dances, then mocks Hogan's ear-to-the-crowd. To purloin a phrase, this makes La Parka MY FAVORITE WRESTLER EVER. More dancing from the rotund one, but right into Spyder's lariat. Chop by Spyder (whooo!), another chop(whooo!), whip, reversal, shoulderblock by La Parka. Incredibly Cool Dance(tm) ensues. Parka off the ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts, kick by Spyder. Scoop slam by Spyder, who tries to dance like La Parka, and just makes you shake your head. Chop by Spyder (whooo!), whip into the corner, but La Parka avoids the follow up splash. La Parka goes for a splash of his own, but runs right into Spyder's outstretched boot. Then, stupidly, he runs into his boot again. Then, before all my faith in La Parka can be shattered forever, Spyder runs into Parka's lariat. Cover by La Parka,1,2,no. Scoopslam by Parka. Parka to the top rope, and hits the double ax-handle. Boot to Spyder's head, cover,1,2, no. Whip into the corner, but Spyder avoids Parka's splash. Implant-DDT by Spyder! Cover,1,2,no. Kick by Spyder, who then barely can summon the strength to suplex Parka's stout frame. Cover,1,2,no. Spyder clotheslines Parka out over the top rope. Spyder to the top rope.....TOPE CROSS BODY BLOCK! Spyder drags Parka back into the ring. Spyder to the top, but Parka kicks his legs out from under him, and he staggers to the middle of the ring. Parka to the top, Corkscrew Moonsault!! 1,2,3. (3:34)

Gene Mean is on for the third time tonight. Fit Finlay comes out to bitch about his Hardcore trophy being stolen,and how he's gonna kick the First Family's ass for it. Oh boy, can't wait.

Coming Up: Sting lays it down for Ric Flair!

Tonight on the Movie Lounge: the incredibly underrated and underappreciated "Hudson Hawk"

Talking M&Ms are tasty!

Castrol Super Clean cleans the hands

David Arquette won't get the hell off my TV screen

N64s Pod Racer game. At last, I was wondering when some Star Wars-related merchandise would come out

Legos are whores now, man. Legos can't chew gum

Spree is a kick in the mouth

Inspector Gadget will be an assault on your senses. Or was that your intelligence?

Get tough-actin' Tenactin, before senile old John Madden gets confined to a nursing home

Let Us Take You Back to Bash at the Beach, where stuff happened with Kevin Nash.

Blitzkrieg v. Commercial Break (well, at least they took it now instead of in the middle of the fucking match)

A yuppy discovers Road Wild. It's the '80s all over again!

Sgt. Savings (who is enlisted, unlike Major Payne), flying Coke bottles, Play-stay-shohn, Hardee's, Pep Boyz, and the Wagner Power Roller form an unstoppable commercial conglomerate

Blitzkrieg v. Eddie Guerrero - Windmill kick taunt by Blitz. Tush-kiss gesture in return by Eddie. Eddie refuses the Hand of Friendship(tm). Lockup, incredibly-cool fucking armbar takedown by Eddie, leaping mid-air armdrag reversal by Blitz, and Eddie's out of the ring. Now back in, Eddie complains to Ref Mickey Jay, who ain't buyin'. Lockup, full arm drag and twist by Eddie, elbow across Blitzes arm. Another elbow. Full armbar by Eddie. Another full arm drag and twist by Eddie, somersault-spring reversal by Blitz. Ref break. Test of Strength offered by Eddie, and Blitz is rewarded with a justly deserved 3-Stooges eyepoke.Kick, punch, European uppercut by Eddie, who isn't even European. Scoop slam, snapmare into a rear chinlock by Eddie. Blitz gets up, whips Eddie, but Eddie shoulderblocks. Back and forth off the ropes by Eddie, while Blitz ducks, hops, and leapfrogs, finishing with a corkscrew hiptoss escape. This man can fucking wrestle. Eddie ducks a clothesline, but not Blitz's kick to the gut. STANDING ENZUIGURI BICYCLE KICK by Blitz!!!!! Eddie in the corner, whip by Blitz, follows, RUNS UP HIS CHEST INTO A BACKFLIP INTO A DROPKICK!!! Blitzkrieg fucking rules!!! Snapmare by Blitzkrieg, then off the ropes, and his tumbling-senton-buttsplash misses (because Eddie rules too, you see...)Seated dropkick by Eddie. Blitz is tossed outside, and Eddie follows, taking Blitz's head against the railing. Choke with the electrical cord by Eddie. Cheat to win, baby!! Blitz is pushed back in. Elbow to Blitz's head. Whip, Blitz flips out of the tilt-a-whirl attempt, delivers a kick to Eddie's gut, runs at Eddie, back body drop, but Blitz lands on the apron. Punches by Blitz, iblockyourpunchyoudontblockmine by Blitz. Springboard missile dropkick by blitz. Eddy is outside...slingshot crossbody onto the floor by Blitz! Eddie is pushed back in, Blitz to the top, Moonsault--misses! Eddie up on top, but Blitz crotches him. Blitz sets Eddie on the top turnbuckle, punches, climbs up--FRANKENSTEINER! Cover,1,2,no! Scoop by Blitzkrieg, float over by Eddie, knee to Blitz's back, belly-to-back by Eddie--NO! Blitzkrieg backflips out of it, up onto Eddie's shoulders, Eddie blocks the 'rana attempt, Blitz does a roll through to get Eddie in a cradle, 1,2,no! Eddie up, walks into a tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Blitz is up to the top, TWISTING CORKSCREW MOONSAULT--MISSES!! BRAINBUSTER BY EDDIE!! Eddie up on the top rope, FROG SPLASH!!! 1,2,3. (7:10) What an incredible match.

You can file the WCW Road Report using 1-800-Collect!

Inspector Gadget, David Arquette, Starburst, and Chevrolet can all go to hell for their evil exploitative capitalism. That, and they're starting to bug the hell out of me.

Mike Tenay and Scott Hudson talk more about Sting and Flair. They'll be wrestling for control of WCW, you know. And that's the most important thing, isn't it? I mean, why WASTE Sting by having him be the CHAMPION? We've got Hogan, Nash, and Savage for that, right?

Kaos v. Lash LeRoux - Lash puffs his chest out to make fun of what a roided up freak Kaos is, thus becoming my NEW FAVORITE WRESTLER(of the last 2 minutes or so) Lockup, throwdown by Kaos. Ok, this match has about 3 minutes worth of restholds in it, so I'll just fast forward to something, you know, HAPPENING. hmmm hm hmmm, la de daaa, oh, wait, here's Lash landing a cross body block on Kaos from the second rope. We'll start here.Kick by Lash. Choke with boot. Scoop slam. Kaos no-sells Lash's kicks and punches. Choke by Lash, Kaos in corner, chop(whooo!) by Lash. Kaos is so lame, I shit you not, that when whipped towards the opposite corner, he backpeddaled the ENTIRE way ACROSS THE RING into the corner. Imagine to yourself, how stupid that must look, and then multiply it by 3.14. Lash misses the follow up splash, Kaos hits the powerslam. Kaos to the apron, slingshot clothesline, 1,2,3. (6:30) Remember how good I said that last match was? Politely speaking, this one wasn't that good.

Gene Mean interviews Jimmy Hart, who's wondering where HIS part in "Man in the Moon" is, and Jerry "I'm Just Happy to Be on TV" Flynn, who talks about his Hardcore Trophy. Uh-oh - Fit Finlay will have something to say about that! - go whack of to the the Nitro Girls like I do!

And so it was written: the seven plagues were visited upon the producers of the Spree, Coke, David Arquette, Juicyfruit, Footaction, Scott's, and Play-stay-shohn commercials. Amen.

Gene Mean let's loose with future Saturday Night dates. But these kind of dates are with steroid-laden sweaty men, not with girls

Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where the Worst Family came out and stole poor Fit Finlay's Art Nouveau Hardcore statue

Buddy Lee Parker v. Fit Finlay (w/the Alkie and the Jobber)

Lockup, to the corner, break, lockup, switch, rear Vulcan Neck Pinch by Finlay. Eye gauge, European uppercut by Finlay. Sarge lands an elbow to the gut, followed with clubbing forearms, and a European uppercut of his own, which is funny, because he's not European. Another punch by Parker, and Finlay is outside the ring. Double axhandle by Buddy Lee lands on Finlay. Steven Regal tries to look menacing in the camera, but he's just too pasty and flabby. Both men back in now, and a True Test of Strength(tm) ensues...but then Finlay tires of it and kicks Buddy Lee's gut. Full armdrag and twist by Finlay, clothesline, followed by an elbow. Cover,1,2,no. Finlay throws Buddy outside. A UK-style gangbang is administered by Regal and Dave Taylor, who throw Buddy back in when they're done. Finlay stomps Parker's fingers. Low blow by Parker, more punches follow. Eye gauge by Finlay, European uppercut, scoopslam, followed by a kick to the shoulder blades. Finlay rams Parker's head on the apron's edge, then gives him another wack for good measure. Finlay goes for a chair, but in the greatest story since "The Miracle Worker", Blind Billy Silverman regains his sight and grabs the chair from Finlay. Distracted, Finlay doesn't anticipate Parker's ax-handle off the apron. Brawl-for-alling ensues. Both men back in, and Finlay does the Flair Beg For Mercy(tm). As Parker goes to press his advantage, Regal trips him up, leaving him exposed to yet another eyepoke from Finlay. Punch, whip, but Parker dodges Finlay's follow up. Double leg takedown by Parker, Finlay grabs the ropes, and Parker yanks him up into the air so his back hits the mat HARD. Scoop slam by Parker, who then walks the 2nd rope and drops an elbow. Cover,1,2,no. Parker clocks both Regal and Taylor on the apron, but leaves himself vulnerable as Finlay scoops him into a fireman's carry and does the ultra-cool roll-over slam! Uh, oh, here comes the Tombstone Piledriver from Finlay. Rest in Peace, gobshite. 1,2,3. (5:12)

Mystery Men - does Janeane get naked?

A bunch of people are trying to get you to buy the crap they shill on TV - don't fall for it!!

Gene Mean shills the Hotline (unintended segue)

Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where someone in their infinite wisdom decided that instead of pushing Booker T. into the heavyweight ranks, that he would be much better off carrying around his useless sack of a brother in the vain hopes of getting to keep the tag belts for more than a day.

Horace v. Commercial Break. Hmm, too close to call.

M&Ms, Gastrol, David Arquette, Juicyfruit, and Spree had all better hope I don't meet them in a dark alley

TBS Schedule - what the hell is the deal with the ":05" and ":55" and all that crap? Is that a part of the metric system I'm not aware of?

Suburban Cable is there to hook up your cable -- within an 8 hour window

Horace v. Booker T. (w/flaming crotch pants) - Horace fears Booker T. Lockup, side headlock by T., T is whipped, but shoulderblocks Horace. Lockup, full armdrag and twist by T. Knee to the gut by Horace, scoop slam. Horace is keeping T down with his repeated stomps. Just like Whitey, to keep a brother down. Horace whips T(no metaphor intended), reversal, Horace shoulderblocks. Horace off the ropes, T leapfrogs, missile dropkick right in Horace's kisser. Horace up, dueling hiptoss attempts, then a clothesline by T. Cover,1,2,no. Full armbar by T, who smacks Horace's bald head, paying him back for the crimes of his ancestors, and Uncle Terry in particular. "AHHHHH!" Horace forces T into the corner, with knees and punches aplenty. Horace now putting the boots to Booker T, then whips him into the opposite corner. T leapfrogs,and greets Horace with a kick. 10 punch count along. Horace ducks the Harlem Sidekick, leaving T crotched, and promptly knocked outside. Horace is out beating on T. Horace: "I'm the best!" If by "best" you mean "worst", of course. Horace puts Booker back in. Cover,1,2,no. Iblockyourpunchyoudontblockmine by Booker T., now giving punches in bunches. Whip, reverse, Horace uses the big boot just like Uncle Terry taught him. Horace off the ropes, splashes T, cover,1,2,no. Horace puts the knee to Booker's shoulderblade. T hulks up (ironic, no?) but Horace punches him, then a whip, reversal, kick by T, and Horace kindly bends forward so that Booker may land his ax-kick. Booker whips Horace, who ducks the lariat, but not T's flying forearm! "AHHHHH!" Whip by T, SPINEBUSTER! Cover,1,2,no. Horace clocks Booker T from behind with a clothesline, but that only sets up.....the BREAKDANCE!!! Booker T rules. T hits the Harlem Sidekick, 1,2,3. (7:15) Hey, why doesn't Booker T do the Harlem Hangover anymore?

Don't miss Nitro! Unless of course you're a wrestling fan, and watch RAW instead! haha

Justin Jones

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission