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/24 July 1999

Saturday Night


Guest columnist: Justin Jones


This WCW Saturday Night Recap is made possible by CRZ--the Jackson Pollock of webmasters--and by viewers like you.

WCW Starfleet logo w/TV-PG-Y

Opening credits--there's a rave going on!

Your hosts are "Mr. Saturday Night" Mike Tenay and the upstart "Mr. Monday Night" Scott Hudson, who are broadcasting from the secret taping headquarters of WCW. They tell us that Sting is now in charge of WCW, because Eric Bischoff DID THE RIGHT THING.

Adrian Byrd v. Eddie Guerrero( w/ bobbing pecs) - Eddy comes out to a pop, even though he's a HEEL. That's charisma. Lockup, Eddy's against the ropes, and Nick Patrick calls for the break. Eddy with a rear-waistlock and an AMATEUR face-first takedown. Front face-lock by Eddy, but Byrd slips out into an armbar. Full-arm drag and twist by Byrd, wristlock, somersault escape by Eddy, who cuts Byrd's legs out from under him. Eddy works the ankle, twisting it, then hooks Byrd's leg around his calf, and does the fall-down. Ouch. Eddy applies the full-nelson. Byrd hulks out of it, and Eddy complains to Nick Patrick. Tenay: "Congratulations on a job well-done as the play by play voice last Monday on Nitro!" Test of Strength(tm) offered by Byrd. Eddy accepts, but Byrd is too strong for him, forcing Eddy to the ground, then stomping his fingers. Tenay won't shut up about Rey Jr. shaking hands with Eddy last Monday on Nitro. Eddy's in the corner now, Byrd punches him, and Eddy complains to Patrick, who calls for the break. Byrd gets the crowd clapping behind him, proving that people will cheer for ANYBODY. Eddy gets on his knees for a pose-down. Eddy is one muscular sack o' man. Byrd does his own pose, and is met with boos, 'cause the crowd figured out that he's a jobber. And that he's a black man wearing purple. And that he's not Prince. Anyway, Eddy offers his own Test of Strength(tm). Byrd foolishly accepts, and receives a richly-deserved 3 Stooges eye-poke--cheat to win! Eddy with a knife-edge chop(whoo!) that sends Byrd to the mat. Eddy whips Byrd, reversal, Eddy off the ropes into Byrd's powerslam. Eddy's up, dropkick by Byrd. Eddy crawls over to Nick Patrick, hugging him around his waist, 'cause he doesn't have Chris Jericho around anymore. Hudson: "Eddy Guerrero's in the 'comfort zone', if you will, of Nick Patrick." Eddy with a kick to Byrd's gut, rams Byrd's head into the turnbuckle, now punches in bunches from Eddy. Byrd down in the corner, and Eddy stomps a mudhole in him. Crowd chant: "Ed-dy! Ed-dy! Ed-dy!" Byrd is up, met with a European uppercut from Eddy, which is funny, 'cause Eddy's not European. Eddy whips Byrd, dropdown, and meets Byrd with a flying back-elbow. Eddy has Byrd up--Brainbuster! STOP TALKING ABOUT KEVIN NASH, HUDSON!!!! Eddy is up on the top turnbuckle--FROG SPLASH!!! 1, 2, 3. (4:07)

Wendy's Classic Hamburger Replay of the Week shows you what you just saw.

Big Sexy Kevin Nash wants his belt back! Hogan! Nash! Road Wild!

Rey Junior is representin' his own baseball jersey. It's got a mask on one side(why?), a cross on the other(again, why?), and "Mysterio" on the back. Without a doubt, he's down with his No Talent Soldiers. Konnan says some gibberish in Spanish, Mister P says "Hooty-hoo!", and then my hopes are shattered because I don't have $60 for a jersey of my very own.

Pep Boys and Jovan Body Tonic want you to buy shit

Watch WCW Monday Nitro, Mondays at 8pm, and you can see even more of Lex Luger

Kid with a fake I.D. can't fool the brilliant Starburst clerk

David Arquette gets physical, physical, and let's us hear his body talk, for 1-800-CALL-ATT

You know, if *I* was a talking M&M, I sure as hell wouldn't be swimming AWAY from Halle Berry, especially when she's wearing a bikini

This portion of WCW Saturday Night is sponsored by Starburst Hard Candy

Mike Tenay: "Where should you turn for the latest news, results, information, scoops, and rumors about the world of professional wrestling?" Umm, WrestleLine? Scoops? I give up. Tenay: "It's the WCW Hotline!" Oh, stupid me.

Barry Darsow v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan(w/ flag, 2x4, sans tumor) - Duggan gets on the mic, and he thanks the Lord, thanks us for our prayers, and now he's "gonna do what Hacksaw does best--beat people UP! HOOOOOO!" Hacksaw says his fans are on Saturday Night, he doesn't care about Nitro, so he's making this show HIS. A couple more "HOOOO!"s and the match begins. Darsow runs right into Duggan's scoop-slam. Crowd chant: "USA! USA! USA!" You'd think Duggan was fighting Krusher Kruschev. Duggan with a running lariat. Another lariat. Darsow is out of the ring, Duggan with an upraised thumb. "HOOOOOOO!" Hacksaw out after Darsow, punch, punch, Duggan puts Darsow back in. "HOOOOO!" Darsow gives Duggan the double ax-handle as he's coming through the ropes. Punch, Blatant Choke(tm) by Darsow. Hacksaw up, but another punch/Blatant Choke combo from Darsow. Duggan up, punch, punch, but Darsow has the thumb-in-the-eye trick waiting. Darsow runs Duggan's forehead along the top rope. Darsow with a punch, snapmare, a couple more punches, and a rear chinlock. Duggan hulks up, 'cause the crowd has convinced him that he's fighting a pinko Commie. Punch from Hacksaw, another punch, but Darsow rams Duggan's head into the turnbuckle. Darsow whips Hacksaw into the opposite corner, but falls prey to Hacksaw's sneaky elbow on the follow-up. Duggan with a Big Left, then a Big Right, a "HOOOOOOO!", then a ten-punch count-along. Duggan whips Darsow, who walks off the ropes into Hacksaw's waiting scoop-slam. 3-point stance by Hacksaw. Hudson: "Uh-oh! Darsow, stay down!!" Big lariat by Hacksaw, off the ropes, Old Glory knee-drop. 1, 2, 3. (2:30)

Still to Come: Sting v. Flair from Nitro!!!

I've said it once, I'll say it again: Legos can't chew gum

Christopher Lloyd talks to monkeys, and uses 10-10-220

Skittles--taste the Rainbow. And ignore the homage to Luis Bunuel

Burger King is for Big Kids, talking horses, and Jim West

Zapzyt is tough on zits

Thompson's Wood Protector. Huh-huh. Wood. Huh-huh

Gene Mean *doesn't* work tonight. Mike Tenay interviews Steven Regal, Dave Taylor, and Fit Finlay (collectively: "The United"). Regal and Taylor explain that they didn't save Finlay from a beat-down last Nitro because they didn't have tickets(huh?). They're gonna take the 1st Family apart. Crappy interview is only partially redeemed by Dave Taylor's use of the word "skullduggery".

Promotional Consideration Paid For By the Following: Slim Jim, Naya, AO-Hell, Motel 6, Tenactin, and Targon Mouthwash

Let Us Take You Back To Nitro Where Sting and Flair fought a really good match, until "Psychotic"(sayeth Tenay) Sid came out to SAVE Arn Anderson! That's right, by "SAVE" I don't mean "Stabbed 20 Times With Scissors". Then, Bischoff DOES THE RIGHT THING and calls for the bell, even though Flair CLEARLY did NOT submit to the Sharpshooter. Hey, how come it wasn't THE RIGHT THING when McMahon did it?

A hot biker slut talks a yuppy into coming to Road Wild.

Mr. Furious, the Shoveler, the Bowler(schwing!), the Spleen, and Invisible Boy--hey now, they're all-stars, and they've got their game on. They're the Mystery Men!

The same Skittles commercial you saw not 10 minutes ago with the same Luis Bunuel homage. Oh well, it could be worse, it could have been an homage to Joel Schumacher or Roland Emmerich or Jan de Bont....

Gastrol GTX, Motel 6, Greyhound, and the Wagner Power-Roller: a force to be reckoned with.

Close-captioning brought to you by Meineke

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday Nitro where Hogan defended his title against "Psychotic"(sayeth Tenay) Sid Vicious. Tenay: "There's no question that Hollywood Hogan is going to be a FIGHTING champion!" Hmmm, well, if by "fighting" you mean "wrestles in a singles match once every two months"

Brian Knobs(his name ain't "baby") (w/ Jimmy Hart and the Art Nouveau Hardcore Trophy) come to the ring. Knobs gets on the mic, and claims that Fit Finlay doesn't deserve the Hardcore title because he just hopped the fence at the Junkyard Invitational while everyone else fought. And, oh yeah, Knobs is as nasty as he wants to be. Uh oh, here comes Fit Finlay, and we have ourselves a match:

Brian Knobs v. Fit Finlay - Forearm to Knobs by Finlay, another forearm, pulls Knobs' jacket over his head hockey-style and clobbers him with punches. Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart sneaks out with the Hardcore trophy. Finlay whips Knobs to the opposite corner, but runs right into Knobs' outstretched boot on the follow-up. Clothesline takedown by Knobs. Now he takes Finlay's head against the turnbuckle, gives him a forearm shiver, and another, and Knobs rams Finlay's head into the turnbuckle in the next corner over. Forearm, then Knobs whips Finlay to the opposite corner, and hits the follow-up splash. As Knobs points to his armpit(eww), out come Dave Taylor (w/ Union Jack) and Steven Regal (w/ 12 Steps) and Taylor clocks Knobs with the flagpole (DQ, 1:07) Regal and Taylor with a double suplex on Knobs. While Regal and Taylor work over Knobs, Finlay finds a conveniently-misplaced table under the ring, and throws it in. Stomps, punches, and flagpoles to Knobs. Finlay sets the table up in a corner, and Regal and Taylor whip Knobs into it, shattering it into 4 remarkably symmetrical pieces, as if it hadn't been SAWED at all. Hudson: "Call a carpenter!" Sorry Scott, I don't think you need a carpenter for particle board. Uh oh, here's Hugh Morrus (get it?), Barbarian, and Lighting Foot Jerry Flynn to make the save. It's a slobber-knocker! Regal, Taylor, and Finlay climb the rail and take off, while the 1st Family glowers from the ring, tending to the fallen Brian Knobs. Ummm...who exactly are the faces in this feud? Hugh Morrus has the worst--haircut--EVER.

Up Next: Savage and Rodman from Nitro!

Dude, he has to do the WCW Road Report using 1-800-CALL-ATT, dude. Dude! Dude? Duuuuude. Come back Lee Marshall, all is forgiven.

The REAL KING, Richard Petty, tells us that it's time to race the Pocono!

Jovan Body Tonic--for wusses

What is this "Spree"?

Legos. Feh.

Get the new Hardees All-Star Racing Team Collector's Cup! Unless, of course, you live above the Mason-Dixon line

Tinactin and Pep Boys want you to give all you can, but not more than you are able

Mike Tenay and Scott Hudson are back at the secret WCW Saturday Night HQ to talk about Arli$$. We see a clip of tomorrow night's episode of "Arli$$", which features Randy Savage and Lex Luger giving some poor schlub a lesson in wrestling. Isn't having Savage and Luger teach you how to wrestle alot like having Bill Clinton teach you about fidelity?

Promotional Consideration paid for by the following: David Sunflower Seeds, Compuserve, Travelodge, Viractin, Singer Asset Finance

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday Nitro where Arli$$ showed up to recruit Rodman, and Dennis Rodman did his Aunt Esther impersonation and beat Savage with a purse. Miss Madness and Medusa also fought. Tenay: "Rodman decided he was gonna blow off Arli$$!!" Hmmm, just what we need, Tenay, MORE homoerotic implications for professional wrestling.

Juventud Guerrera v. Kidman v. a Superstation Original Movie "First Daughter"--starring Mariel Hemingway(schwing!), Monica Keena(schwing!), Gregory Harrison(schw--oops), and oh yeah, Diamond Dallas Page. You know, if Page can't hit a stationary target with a .308 bolt-action Steyr-Mannlicher at 50 yards, how are we supposed to be scared of an assassin like that?

Doc Brown talks to monkeys, uses 10-10-220

Starburst and Gastrol GTX want your money

Football is religion in "Varsity Blues", now on video.

I'd much rather see Spree be a kick in Charisma Carpenter's mouth than in Goldberg's

TBS Schedule: Braves v. Phillies(at the Vet!), Movie Lounge ("Rocky III", as if we don't get enough Hogan), and "Patton", starring Ken Shamrock as the soldier who asks Patton to slap him

Chrysler/Plymouth--would it be too hard to come up with one damn name brand?

Happy Hour--see the Zappas, and hot dancing chippies

This Portion of WCW Saturday Night brought to you by 10-10-220

And now, for something completely different--a match!

Juventud Guerrera v. Kidman - Why did they have them both come out, just to give us 5 minutes' worth of commercials? Juvy poses for the crowd, but then Kidman shows him up, but Juvy is up on the top turnbuckle AGAIN to wiggle his damn hips and flip his greasy greasy hair. Crowd rightly boos this little cry-baby. Lockup, standing switch by Juvy, back elbow by Kidman, punch by Juvy, another punch, and another, headlock by Juvy, Kidman tries a belly-to-back suplex but Juvy flips out of it. Kick by Kidman, side headlock, but Juvy whips him into the ropes, reversal, ANOTHER reversal, shoulder block by Juvy, who then enthralls us with a pelvic wiggle. I was bigger than Juvy when I was 8 years old. Juvy off the ropes, over Kidman, back across--Kidman leapfrogs,lamely-executed footspring tumble. Punch from Kidman, chop(whoo!) by Juvy. Forearms in bunches by Kidman, whips Juvy, dueling hiptoss reversals, Kidman knees Juvy's gut. Double-hook side-slam by Kidman. Standing dropkick by Kidman, poorly-sold by Juvy, who is now out onto the floor. Juvy kills time outside, now back on the apron. Kidman tries a suplex, Juvy flips out of it into the ring, rear waistlock by Juvy, Kidman with a back elbow. Another suplex attempt by Kidman, Juvy floats over onto the apron, holds Kidman's head and drops down with Kidman's throat across the top rope. Juvy now on the top turnbuckle--missile dropkick knocks Kidman out of the ring. Slingshot plancha cross-bodyblock by Juvy connects. Both men back in slowly, chop(whoo!) by Juvy. Juvy whips Kidman to the opposite corner, but Kidman cleverly avoids Juvy's follow-up splash. But then, Kidman turns right around and runs into Juvy's outstretched boots. Juvy runs into an attempted tilt-a-whirl by Kidman, but reverses it into a hurricanrana. Juvy covers, 1, 2, no. Juvy now up onto the second turnbuckly, wiggling. Hudson: "If Sting lays down the law Monday night, David Flair, I've got two words for ya: Unemployment line!" Tenay: "Ok, I've got FOUR words for YOU: former United States champion!" Justin: Now *I've* got four words for Tenay and Hudson: SHUT YOUR FUCKING CAKEHOLE!!! Juvy whips Kidman, off the ropes, right into Juvy's fireman's carry. Spinebuster variant by Juvy, who is now up to the top-turnbuckle, but his swan dive is met by Kidman's boots. Kidman is up, Juvy's in the corner, punches in bunches from Kidman. Whip by Kidman, reversal, Kidman backdrops Juvy, who lands on his feet on the apron. Shoulder block to the abdomen by Juvy, and he yanks Kidman down to the mat by his hair. Juvy to the top AGAIN, and this time his swan dive is met with a standing dropkick to the gut by Kidman. Both men slow to get up, Kidman ducks a clothesline--RIGER BOMB! 1, 2, no. Kidman tries to powerbomb Juvy, who reverses and backflips out of it. Now THAT is IRONY. Kidman ducks Juvy's lariat, Kidman with a German suplex attempt, but Juvy flips out. Juvy scoops Kidman-- GREETINGS FROM MICHINOKU NAIL IN THE COFFIN DRIVER PARK!!!! Both men slow to get up. Juvy drags Kidman to the corner. He's up to the top rope, but Kidman crotches him. Juvy falls down so that he lands precisely perpendicular to a person who would come off the top ropes with, say, a Shooting Star Press. Kidman to the top, Shooting Star Press! 1, 2, 3. (7:25) Kidman is now the top contender for the Cruiserweight Title! WCW Saturday Night is only an hour tonight, thanks to Braves baseball!

Ok, the winner of this episode of WCW Saturday Night is Juventud Guerrera, who has to read the credits in a style of my choosing, and i want him to read them as Freddy Prinze from "Chico And The Man". What...there's no closing credits?? Awww, fudge.

Hogan and Nash have mystery partners, and it's going down at Nitro! (their choice of phrase, not mine)

Justin Jones

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission