|Guest columnist: Doug Hills|
Good Lord...not another CRZ clone?!
You're damn right. I'm even 1/8th his size. Fear me.
How'd he let you in?
Me: "I wanna recap for your site."
CRZ: "Ok, you're in."
2) I'm biased. Towards whom, you ask? I'm doing WCW Saturday Night. You do the math. Besides I figure if I do a good enough job, and kiss enough ass, I could claw and scratch my way up to the position of Worldwide recapper. YEAH!
My name is Doug Hills. I do recaps. Or at least, now I do. I figured I couldn't be any worse than the other recappers on the 'Net (though I'm sure some bastard out there is going to do his best to prove me wrong), so what the hell?
Why WCW Saturday Night?
I keep hearing rumors that if Jimmy Hart takes over the show, he's seceding from the "big boys" and making WCWSN it's own soverign nation. Or something like that. Regardless, it might make the show enjoyable to watch...and anything that would give the mid-carders their break gets my vote.
You'll see, pretty soon..when WCWSN once again becomes the "Muddasheep". Complex storylines and excellent matches are the rule rather than the exception. People across the 'Net will be talking about the heated rivalry between Norman Smiley and BA Brad Armstrong (HOOTIE HOO!). Under the brilliant guidance of James Hart, WCWSN will become the wrestling program to which all other wrestling shows will be based upon! And I'll be in the front lines recapping **** and ***** matches week in and week out, because I was enough of a visionary to know that this is the next big thing. And it'll be CRZ begging me to switch recaps with him, but I'm gonna say "No way, bud! This is my show now, and I'm not giving this up to anyone!" Forget Nitro! Forget Thunder! This, my friends, is Must See TV!
Or...it'll still suck, and I'll move on to recapping ECW when it comes on TNN.
Figured out yet which way I'm biased, Sparky?
So, for all the people out there dying to know what happened (Yeah...all four of you), I present to you.....
WCW Saturday Night (Aired 7-24-1999)
For the record, this is probably the first time that I will be watching the show from beginning to end since 1994. Will I regret it? Stay tuned!
Opening credits. Hey, they dance to beat of the theme!
We are greeted at the (old WCW Main Event) main desk by Scott Hudson and Mike Tenay (w/ "I know where you live" smile). The two begin to discuss the goings on of Monday Night. We have a new WCW Heavyweight President of the World as Sting defeated Ric Flair, thanks to our new best friend, Eric Bischoff. Also, we were all treated to the sight of the returning "Phenom" (Hudson) Goldberg in the same ring as Sting and Hollywood Hogan "representing World Championship Wrestling" (Tenay). Huh? Tonight's Main Event: Kidman vs. Juvi Juice. Now, I'm green to this whole WCWSN thing, but could this actually be a worthy main event...which might actually end cleanly? Do I dare hope? Let's go to the ring for our opening bout!
Match #1: Eddy Guererro vs. Adrian Burne. What car accident? Eddy burns a hole into the camera and manages to get the crowd riled up at the same time. Eddy's now one of those cool tweeners, cuz he's still got the bad attitude, but he gets to hang with the facse, and the announcers love him. So long as Eddy still cheats to win, I'm content.
WHAT I SAY (in other words, what actually happened in the match):
Lockup...into the ropes. We get a clean break. Lockup...amateur takedown by Eddy. Headlock into a wristlock by Burne. Legtrip by Eddy...anklelock, into an almost anklebreaker...Eddy goes for a full nelson, but just as Burne powers out, Eddy goes to Nick Patrick (Hey! He's only got the evil mustache now!), stating Burne's all oiled up. Patrick does the obligatory check, and then asks Eddy if he's got any more of that stuff he's smoking. Test of strength, which Burne wins easy. Burne pulls Eddy's hands to the mat and then stomps on them. Eddy backs into the corner...and Burne gets that crowd going (what, you doubt me? I distinctly heard three or four hands clapping along with Burne). Eddy asks for another test of strength and shows us all why a tuna diet can work by flexing to the crowd. Burne does the same (except I'm pretty sure he's not eating tuna). Knuckle lockup, and Eddy thumbs him in the eye (Cheat to win, Eddy!). Irish whip reversed..Burne with a powerslam, and he's all fired up! Eddy hides behind Partick in the corner..wich of course suckers Burne in (Cheat to win!) Eddy throws Burne into the corner and proceeds to a mudhole into him. Whip..Burne's hit with a reverse elbow. Eddy with the brainbuster...climbs up top, and nails a beautiful frog splash. Wendy's Classic Hamburger replay shows a job well done for Adrian Burne.
WHAT THEY SAY (in other words, what Hudson and Tenay decided to talk about instead of the match, w/ some of my commentary sprinkled in):
Tag Teams throughout the world of pro wrestling beware, cuz Guererro and Rey Mysterio, Jr, have joined forces, and they're gonna make things right with the world! Hudson tells us that since Flair's been impeached, the Freebird rules are gone for the Triad, and they may actually have to focus on regular tag team strategies for a change. By the way, Sting's in control of WCW. Anyway, back to the Triad (what match?)..Hudson and Tenay say that although the Triad are three tough individuals, they may have gotten a bit soft because of the Triad rules, and therefore may have some problems facing talented teams such as Rey y Eddy. Oh yeah, did you know Hudson did Nitro on Monday? Well Scott reminds us, and Tenay starts sucking up (screw you, Tony!) Eddy's hasn't turned face, sayeth Hudson...no no, he wouldn't be cool anymore! He's just changed focus. To what, you ask? I'm glad you asked that question. Hudson's still referring to him as "Uncle" Eddy? Whatever happened to Chavo, Jr, anyway? Oh yeah, there's some big tag match on Monday Nitro...and the world wants to know who his partner is gonna be! I say it's the Hummer driver.
Time: 4 minutes, 7 seconds
Rey Jr. representing his new baseball jersey. He had a mask? He's down with the No Limit soldiers! Someone lets Konnan speaks on dis. Hey, it's Master P! HOOTIE HOO!
Where should you turn to for the hot scoops in the world of pro-wrestling? Why, Slash wrestling, of course. Tenay states otherwise, but what does he know?
Match #2: Barry Darsow (w/o golf clubs) vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (w/ flag & 2x4). Hey, Duggan's the most over guy on WCWSN so far. Say what you will about his skills, but he can get the crowd going like no one else. Yeah, he's from my area, why do you ask?
Duggan: "Cut that music off! HOOOOOOO! USA! USA! Ok, folks...you know a couple of months ago I came out on Nitro after my bout with cancer. I got down on my knees and I thanked the Lord for sparing my life. And that came from my heart. And I thanked all you folks for the prayers. And that came from my heart, also. But understand one thing, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is not gonna change. I'm gonna thank you folks, I'm gonna praise the Lord, and I'm gonna do what Hacksaw's always done best..beat people up! HOOOOOOOO! And regardless of what those 'wrestling experts' say...Hacksaw doesn't have to look for their prime-time fireworks and dance show. That's fine with me. Because this is where my fans are..here on Saturday Night! HOOOOOOOO! And understand this, all you primadonna prettyboys out there with capped teeth and razorcut hair. Understand this! Saturday Night belongs to me! And if you get in the ring with Hacksaw on Saturday Night, you're gonna get beat up, tough guy! HOOOOOOOO!!!" Yeah, take that you smart marks!
WHAT I SAY:
Darsow charges, right into a scoop slam. Clothesline, clothesline, and Darsow rolls to the outside. Despite Darsow's repeated attempts to shut the crowd's collective stinkin' mouths up, there's still a pretty good "USA" chant (But...but...Darsow's American,isn't he?) Duggan rolls to the outside, whips him around..and fists are flyin! Darsow rolled back in...HOOOOO! Duggan walks right into a double-axehandle. Darsow choking and trash talkin' away. "USA" chant starts up again. Duggan starts to "Hacksaw Up" but gets a thumb to the eye. Darsow with the top rope eye rake (He's old school, ya know!) Snapmare into I guess would be a...I don't know what that would be. I'm gonna say a Vertical Head Squeeze. Duggan gets all fired up, and now both these guys are just beating the bejeezus outta each other. The "ambitexterous" (Hudson) Duggan delivers the infuriating enemy pummel! Irish whip into a scoop slam..three point stance! Darsow's up..Darsow's down. Here comes Old Glory, and Duggan gets the win.
WHAT THEY SAY:
We're in Memphis this Monday on Nitro! Hudson reminices of days gone by in Memphis..and talks about how he's gonna go get nice and sign autographs (He's getting drunk) in those Memphis restaraunts (bars) once Nitro goes off the air (YEAH!) They actually talk about this match, so there isn't a lot for me to type here..oh wait, Sting's the President of WCW (didn't you know?) Plus, the Phenom makes his return to WCW (no, the other Phenom). Later tonight, we have Kidman and Juvi! "Two totally different match-ups" (Tenay, re: Kidman/Juvi match vs. Darsow/Duggan match). That's why he's the Professor, folks! There's something for everyone here on WCWSN! Hey, Hudson does an ok job in making this match sound as though your life depended on it.
Time: 2 minutes, 27 seconds
Tenay's in the dreaded WCW locker room with the Real Man's Man (w/ new swirly tights), David Taylor (w/ new thunderbolt tights), and Fit Finlay (w/ old tights. He's Hardcore, ya know..he doen't need new tights), where we'll finally get Finlay's opinion on The First Family's pilfering of the... <sigh&rt; ... WCW Hardcore invitational trophy. You know, this reminds me of the Battlebowl ring that DDP had. Remember that? But before we get to Finlay's rebuttal, we find out why Regal and Taylor were conveniently missing on Nitro when Finlay got Pearl Harbored by the First Family.
Regal: "I'm sure it has something to do with Jimmy Hart. We didn't receive tickets to appear on Nitro. In fact, there was a message on my answering maching saying 'Don't come to Nitro, you are not needed.' Now, where would that bloody come from?"
Taylor just decided to repeat "It's Jimmy' fault! It's Jimmy's fault!" Finlay gets redemption at Road Wild, when he gets to face some unknown member of the First Family for the hardcore trophy. Right.
Finlay: "Let me tell you something. Jimmy Hart can do everything or anything he wants. We are going to stick together from now on. Whether we have to pay our own way there, individually, it doesn't matter. We are going to be there no matter where it is, and we are going to take the First Family apart, one by one. We're going to destroy them." You tell them, Fit. You know, he sounds an awful lot like Davey Boy Smith.
Still shots of Nitro: Sting vs. Ric Flair (WCW Presdency of the World match). Charles Robinson's the ref..nope, he's not. New ref Mickey Jay gets taken out later...but all is not lost. Not while we have Eric Bischoff is the building, by golly. Bisch calls for the bell, Sting's the Prez (you know, this is one hell of a way to move up in the world..there's no glass ceiling in WCW!) Bisch got powerbombed by Sid Vicious for his troubles (YEAH!)
Still shots of Nitro: Hollywood Hogan vs. Sid Vicious (WCW World Heavyweight Title match). If you haven't seen it before (Wrestlemania VIII), it's new to you! I still chuckle at the idea that Hogan is now representing WCW according the the Dynamic Duo, though you can still see "nWo" logo pretty clearly on his person. Oh, they're the good guys now? Ooooohhhh.
"Nasty" Brian Knobbs (w/ Jimmy Hart & Hardcore Trophy) make their way down the aisle.
We're reminded once again that Sting's the President, and all is right in the world! People are smiling! World peace is attained! The planets have aligned! And all this is thanks to ERIC BISCHOFF!! WE LOVE YOU ERIC!!
Knobbs: "Listen up, and listen good! First of all, at the Bash at the Beach, the first Junkyard Invitational...Fit Finlay how, in that warped, little puny Irish mind of yours, think because you jumped over a fence and ran away, you are the Hardcore Champion?! Well, me and the rest of the first family were punching your two english stooges' teeth down their stinking throats, the hardcore champion is where it rightfully belongs. With the first family! And that's because I'm as Nasty as I Wanna Be! Why don't you people shut up and listen P"
Whoops, there's that Warped Little Puny Irishman now!
WHAT I SAY
Knobbs is rocked by a series of rights, and I guess we have a match! Hart, with that trademark "scared little weasel" look on his face, scurries to the back with what I am now dubbing the Hardcore Thing. Finlay with the cross corner whip, and is met with a boot to the face, and a clothesline. Series of forearm smashes by Knobbs..cross-corner whip, and a running clothesline. Knobbs signalls for the Pit Stop...but wait! Dave Taylor and the Real Man's Man race into the ring, and beat on Knobbs w/ the Union Jack. Double suplex by the Brits, while Finlay goes under the ring for a table. The table is set up in the corner, and Knobbs gets sent for the ride, completely demolishing the table. Here comes the First Family now, and we have ourselves a scrum! Regal, Taylor, and Finlay head through the crowd. (DQ? About 1:06)
WHAT THEY SAY:
Actually, they call the match. They just remind us that Finlay will get his revenge at Road Wild! It's only a matter of time before he get's his Hardcore Thing back! Oh yeah, and Jimmy Hart's a little rat for even thinking of stealing the Hardcore Thing.
Time: 55 seconds
Dude, the dude that does the WCW Road Report doesn't have change! Dude, that sucks. Dude, why not use 1-800-CALL ATT! Dude? Dude! Dude!! We're live in Memphis on Monday for NITRO!! Dude!!!!
We're back at the main desk, where the Duo discuss the appearance of Arli$$ (not "Robert Wuhl") on Nitro this past Monday. Of course, this is all just a setup for Sunday's episode of Arli$$, which will feature the top stars of WCW. Oh, those tricky Time-Warner people. Tenay has a moment of clarity by saying Arli$$ is actually this Robert Wuhl actor, but then fogs right back up by talking about Arli$$'s performance on Monday night, trying to recruit Dennis Rodman. Rodman's a hot commodity, ya know, and Arli$$ wants a piece of the action. Huh? My brain hurts. Ah, we now get a clip of Arli$$. This very special episode airs SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
Still shots from Nitro: Randy Savage vs. Kidman. Arli$$ was at ringside..Here comes Rodman! EVERYONE storms the ring to get the scoop! Arli$$ wants Rodman! Savage wants Rodman! George wants to know where Rodman got his purse! Miss Madness and Madusa want each other! I want to do this show!?
MAIN EVENT: Juventud Guererra vs. Kidman. But first, we see a clip of DDP's new movie! Ooooh. He's a mean one in this one. Yep. Hey, Mariel (sp?) Hemmingway's in it! I'm still not gonna watch it.
Commercials. You seem surprised.
WHAT I SAY:
Attempted lockup, but Juvi decides to play the crowd, and gets boos. Kidman does it, and gets cheers. Juvi, not quite convinced, tries again, and gets boos. He tries another corner in the building, and finally gets a few people to cheer for him. Good for him. Lockup, go-behind is countered by elbows from Kidman. Juvi with forearms and goes to a headlock. Kidman with the back suplex, but Juvi flips out of it. Kidman with the headlock, but Juvi sends him for the ride... reversed ... reversed again ... and again ... Kidman sent down with a shoulderblock. Juvi with a butt wiggle (?)...off the ropes, rolls out of the monkeyflip attempt, and the two start exchanging forearm shivers. Kidman gets a few more in, and Juvi is sent for the ride. Hiptoss blocked, Kidman with a knee to the gut, and hits a sitdown side belly-2-belly suplex. Dropkick sends Juvi to the outside, who decides to take a small breather. Juvi does the "Aw, screw this" pantomime, heads towards the back, pauses, reconsiders, runs back to the ring. Juvi flips out of a suplex attempt, flips out of a second attempt, and catches Kidman with a ring-rope Stunner. Juvi connects with a missile dropkick, and Kidman is sent to the outside. Juvi with a slingshot plancha. Both men back in the ring. Chop by Juvi. Cross corner whip..Kidman rolls out of the way, but gets a boot to the face. Juvi connects with a flying headscissors, but only gets a two count. Juvi takes issue of the count with ref Randy Anderson, and then decides to taunt the crowd again with his "L'il Wiggle". Kidman for the ride..fireman's carry into a slam. Juvi decides enough is enough and signals for the 450 Splash (though Kidman is way out of place. Decides to go for a swandive...right into Kidman's boots. Kidman back up...cross corner whip reversed, Kidman backdrops Juvi in the corner, but Juvi lands on his feet. Shoulder to the gut, and a hair yank sends Kidman back down. Juvi up top again..goes for a splash, but Kidman catches him with a dropkick in midair. Kidman's short powerbomb gets a 2 count. Powerbomb attempt, but Juvi lands on his feet..German suplex attemt results in same. Juvi Driver! Signals for the 450 splash. Gets up top, but Kidman gets up and crotches Juvy. Juvi crumples to the mat, Kidman up top..Shooting Star Press! He's done.
WHAT THEY SAY:
Randy Savage is firmly cemented in the role of Woman Hater, as the two try to come up with as many different ways to say that he's an evil man. Why, he forced Miss Madness to her knees to beg for her job, and yet he still fired her! That Cad! We have two of the greatest Cruiserweights champions in the ring right now. Hudson tosses Rey into that description (he's a Cruiserwight? What title?) Thunder's coming to the Cheese State! There are still thousands of seats available for the Mid-South Colosseum for this Monday! Hudson throws out more local names! We have a big tag match this Monday! Who is Kevin Nash's partner? The Internet is just buzzing with rumours, and our boys Bob Ryder and Jeremy Borash are right on top of that! You doubt me? Can you believe Hogan, Sting, and Goldberg were in the same ring at the same time...and they weren't hating each other? That's cuz they represent WCW! (But Hogan's with the nWo! Hey, they said it, not me.) Curt Hennig wants a shot at that Goldberg guy on Monday! And he was getting such a good push. Sigh. We get a bit of match commentary going....oh wait..did you know Sting's the new President of WCW? He may be there on Nitro this Monday! He's gonna lay down the law! Hudson: "David Flair, I've got two words for ya! 'Unemployment line!'" Huh? Tenay:"Oh yeah? Well I got four words for you! 'Former United States Champion!" Yeah, Mike..you show him who's master of hip catchphrases! We go back to the match...and they actually finish calling it! We're outta time! Watch Nitro! Watch Hennig's de-push start! See who Nash's tag partner is! Sting's the president! Sting's the President! Sting's the President!
What else have we learned?
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