Funny Story: Per my arrangement with Mr. Z, I was going to make this column a bimonthly affair, as I was under the impression that SDW's show was an every-two-weeks kind of thing. Unfortunately for Yr. Bartleby Impersonator, it turns out that this thing will require a bit more of a commitment from me. Ergo, your double-shot of Midwestern Indynacularity. Shall we...?

Opening Montage: Yes. Still there. I guess that "BFD" graphic stands for Black Flood Diesel. That's the only place I'M goin' with it, thangyuhvermuch.

Straight to the Hype: (anonymous voiceover guy sez) Tonight we will see "Tasty" Travis Lee square off against a Midwest indy favorite, Mixed Tag Action sees Adrian Lynch and Rain match up with Horace the Psychopath and Lacy. Also, a former WCW champion is in the hizzouse and ready to make his presence felt(let's see...Jerry Lynn... X-Pac...The Andersons...Lenny Lane[shh!]...naah, I can't think of anyone else from around here who'd be so inclined to make a trip to West St. Paul)! TUHNIGHT! BBBBLBLBLBLBLBLBB! But foist...

Commercials. Oh, yeah.

1st Match: Travis Lee(with nonchalant pursed lips pose, no entrance, no graphic) vs. ...Jay Mohr? Oh, no, it's Matt Burns(oy, no entrance or graphic), who should be able to do a passable Christopher Walken impersonation, if you take my meaning. Hmm, does every up-and-coming ring announcer-type guy HAVE to try and sound like Howard Finkel? That gets old. With an, "Oh, for Pete's sake!" from Mick Karch(think he's local? Uh-huh), Travis Lee makes mit der back gepounden and we're underway: headlock takeover(Ahh, THERE'S that graphic. Yup, that's who they are) by Lee, rollup by Burns, 1, back into the grounded headlock. Up and into the ropes, Lee shoulderblock puts Burns down, off the ropes and into a Burns hiptoss, and another, and a scoop slam. Lee's bailing, looks to leave the arena proper, no, he turns around to take a top-rope somersault plancha! D'oh, Burns looks to have taken almost all of the impact on the CONCRETE floor...ow. "Holy Shit" chant, yes, yes. Burns with some celebrating, getting Lee up, into the ring, no, Lee puts Burns into the post with authority. Lee picks him up, bodyslam? No, he dumps him face-first onto the apron. Stomps by Lee, a fan tosses a shirt to another fan, Lee snatches it away and flings it into the crowd! Ha ha, and the crowd laughs at the shirt-loser. Burns rolled in, Lee yells at the shirt-loser and his pals, and more stomps for Burns. Quasi-camel clutch on Burns, Lee with a buttdrop to the back, and turning it into a camel clutch proper. See last sequence, repeat. Hey, the announcers addressed the continuity problems with the Denucci/Lee commercials! Good stuff. Lee tries for another buttdrop, but Burns spins around in mid-drop and Lee gets a crotchfull of knee. Burns is up, cross-corner whip on Lee, who does the Bret Hart Corner Sell, Burns outside, grabs the ankles, and he crotches Lee with the ringpost. And a few more times, with his foot on the ringpost for leverage. Burns gladhanding the fans, and Lee's looking for an icepack. Will a Coca-Cola do? Back in, swing and a miss by Lee, Burns with an atomic drop. Stalling by Lee, Burns advances on him in the corner and Lee falls back and pulls Burns' head into the turnbuckle. Stomps by Lee, apparently they hurt his groin, so he settles for the choke. Scoop and a slam by Lee, and an odd pose before he tries a one-handed pin, which gets two, and 2 stomps for luck. Burns put into the ropes, clothesline ducked, back elbow ducked, Burns cross-body NOT ducked. It gets 2, and Lee is quickly up with a clothesline, which Burns does the "frothing at the mouth" sell for. Lee doing a backwards Edge-style mat crawl, and it's time for a commercial.

SDW, Torment 2002, March 24th. NEWWWWWWWW updated card: Horace vs. Dino Bambino, ACID vs. "Sick" Nick Mondo, Magnus vs. Scotty Zappa(w/belt) in a lumberjack match. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THERE! Or not. And more Morrie's commercials, including a NEW poorly-acted Tony Denucci vignette! He sure loves beating on those improbably muscular bankers! Well, he's better than Matt Hardy, but I'm digressing again.

Back to the action: Lee is hitting 3 rolling suplexes on Burns, and the crowd chants something I can't understand. Lee's pin gets 2. Lee goes for the rolling germans, and the somewhat dim ref tries to count a pin for the first two. Okay. The third suplex gets 2, and a frustrated Lee goes up top, but Burns pops up and crotches him on the top rope! Superplex follows, well-executed moonsault follows that, 1, 2, 3. (6:31 shown) WESTURN-brand replays show the Matt Burns moonsault. When we get back, mystery guy in black sweats and hoodie is beating Burns' ass. Stomping away, hoodie is off, Chris Jericho?! Oh, wait, no, it's Lenny Lane. Six-inch whip on Burns(not surprising, with a ring that small), stompation, Lane's WWA history addressed, give this man a mic. Hey, Lenny Lane hates Minnesohtah too! And Ed Hellier, he of the "Great Sausagecase" pronunciation. And Minnesotans. Lane wants a match with Jerry Lynn, and punctuates his promo with stomps to the hapless Burns. Apparently, neither of them are cruiserweights anymore, and Lane none-too-subtly intimates that Jerry Lynn likes-a de juice, eh? Lane promises to destroy SDW, likening himself to the NWO, and "Kamikaze" Ken Anderson is out, accompanied by a "Lenny sucks" chant. He cuts an inaudible promo, but I guess he wants a shot against Lane. Have I mentioned yet that the fans are lowering the bar, even by mainstream society's perceptions? Great work, guys. Keep it up. Lane gives Anderson the match, and there you go. Is it tonight...? Well, I guess they're not telling, as we go from one promo set to...

Yet Another Promo Set: Mick Karch interviews Adrian Lynch and Rain. Adrian Lynch came here to chew gum and alienate his partner.

Torment 2002. Boo.

Commercials.

Another One of Them Wacky Promos: Mick Karch interviews Horace the Psychopath and Lacey. Hoarce came here to chew Adrian Lynch and alienate gum. Lacey's accent is brutal, as are Horace's promos. THERE WERE FLIES! And now, the hurting.

2nd Match: Adrian Lynch the Greasy and Rain the not-quite-ready-for-promos vs. Horace the Psychopath and Lacey the not-quite-as-ubiquitous-as-Horace(graphics for both, and an additional "Mixed Tag Team Matchup" graphic on that ass). Lacey, it should be noted, is outfitted in pink "I look just like everybody el-SE?" gear, which can be found at the Mall of America, or any other fine retail-that-caters-to-skanky-bottle-blondes outlet. Booya. Four-person clubbery to start, taken outside, focus on the ladies shows us that Lacey hits like she's afraid of breaking a nail, while Rain punches like she's afraid of NOT looking stiff enough. The phrase "clash of styles" comes to mind. Horace runs Lynch into the ringpost, and goes into the ring to celebrate with Lacey and offer her his nose scrapings. Lacey, ever the standard-haver, declines. None of this goes anywhere for a while(think "crack whore" and "herpes" chants), and when we get back to the wrestling part, the girls are circling one another, spear out of nowhere by Lacey, choking?, no, it's a by-god catfight. Pound pound pound, pound pound pound. Rain sent into the ropes, spinning back elbow by Lacey. It was better than I thought it'd be. Cool. Lacey reverses a whip, arm wringer/knee to the head combo, back pounding and a high knee puts Rain down for 2. Rain whipped again and caught with a scary sidewalk slam for 1. Super-protected bodyslam by Lacey and she's going up top, but Rain is quickly up to pound her butt(hush, you) a few times, and she gets a powerbomb off the top rope! "SD-Dub" chants a-plenty, and the commentators re-use the "spitting vertebrae" remark I thought was so cool last time, making me wonder if they just use it every show. Ecch. Rain stomps Lacey good, and goes for the foot-on-the-chest(so to speak) pin, for an ostensible 2, since the referee had to practically TELL Lacey to get her damned hand up before the three. Lacey picked up by the hair, Irish whip, diving clothesline on Rain, tagging in Horace? Well, before Rain provides Horace with more material for his bad promos, she tags in Lynch, who should prove a decidedly more difficult molestation victim. Horace slaps his head, locks up, shoved off by Lynch. Horace with a shoulderblock, no sale. Horace can't seem to get a diving shoulderblock sold either, but Lynch misses a follow-up clothesline(it's okay, even if Horace just stood there it would have whickered past his head) and Horace puts Lynch on his back with a flying forearm. Horace is up first with a right, Lynch reverses the Irish whip and a jumping elbow puts Horace down. Lynch brings the punchy-stompy to Horace, cross-whip is reversed, Horace with the jumping Ho Train-alike. Horace looks to bite Lynch in the side, but it seems that we've had too much action yet, and a commercial break should be just the palate-cleansing we need. Or NOT.

Gooooooo capitalism. Not like I'm a Socialist, but whatever.

We're back, and Horace is biting Lynch...in the groin?! EWWW! And then he punches Lynch in the face. Anyone else have similar date stories? Cross-corner whip, Crazy Train misses, Lynch puts him up top and hits a super snapmare and 2 stomps for 2. Lynch with an overhand right, and another, into the ropes reversed, flying cross chop by Horace! Lynch staggers into the wrong corner looking for the tag, and Lacey is more than happy to give him a tag to the face. Lynch is pinballed between Horace and Lacey, and one final slap sets up a running bulldog that encourages Lynch to bail. Lynch stalls and eventually makes his way back in, but no longer wants anything to do with Horace and forces Rain to tag in. Horace consults his options at this point and decides to tag Lacey in, and the fans are disappointed, to say the least. Rain misses a clothesline, and Lacey comes off the ropes and puts her down with...something I couldn't see, because the camera was focused on Horace's butt. I'm just waiting for SDW to call itself the #2 promotion in North America now. Rain put into the corner, cross-whip is reversed, Rain misses the shoulderblock in the corner(sort of) and Lacey rolls her up(sort of) for 1. Clothesline by Lacey, but her Irish whip is reversed and Lynch is there to yank her down by her hair. Rain stomps Lacey repeatedly while Lynch claims it was a fan that grabbed her. Ha! Rain gets some punches and a pair of hairmares, and two kidney kicks set up a seated dropkick to the back of Lacey's head. One more punch by Rain, and a taunt to Horace distracts the referee while the heels beat Lacey down. Rain kicks Lacey's ass for a while, and taunts Horace yet again so he can struggle with the referee while Lacey gets double-teamed (again, hush). Irish whip by Rain, double-hairpull puts both girls down. Relatively minor heat sequence sets up a hot tag to Horace, and he pummels Lynch and puts him in the corner for the baker's dozen punches and a face bite, and another groin savaging. Did I ever think I'd see something like this NOT on cable...? Hard to tell. Lynch into the corner, Irish whip and a diving lariat by Horace. Same thing, only with a shoulderblock, and Horace goes outside, and Lacey comes off the top with a diving shoulderblock to Lynch! That, apparently, is good enough to warrant an "SDW" chant, and I'm wondering why they've given this one approximately FIVE TIMES the length a Raw match gets. Brawling sequence on the outside between Horace and Lynch nicely covers whatever the girls might have been doing, as Lacey's pin attempt only gets 2. More cutting between both exchanges confuses me as Rain hits a diving reverse DDT. Horace has a chair, Rain has a 2 count. Another shot of Horace with the chair prevents us from seeing whatever is going on in the ring AGAIN, but we return just in time to see Lacey hit the lowest crescent kick I've ever seen(not a good thing) on Rain for the 3(12:21 shown). Lynch and Rain are in the ring having problems, but Horace chases him out before he can get to the Wisconsonian portion of our evening. A fan gives Horace some money(???), and he hands it to Rain, who stuffs it down her shirt. What the--?

SDWT2002, nothing to see here...

*Tony DeNucci* Superstar, moving on...

3rd Match: Lenny Lane(w/"Laniacs" tights, entrance and graphic) vs. "Kamikaze" Ken Anderson(with Kronik-esque tights, entrance and graphic). The fans and I are actually on the same page on this one, as Lane gets a LOUD "Y2J" chant, and I'm laughing at the similarities. Lane wastes no time, though, and jumps Anderson before the bell(before the graphic, even), pounding him with repeated forearms to the back and stomps in the corner. Six-inch whip on Anderson, and Lane is just stomping his guts out. Lane runs Anderson face-first into the turnbuckle, stomps away, takes him out with a single-leg and stomps him again. Lane's reaching out of the ring, and The Hand of Anonymity gives him a mic. Lane gives him what-for on the stick, with a boot on "Kamikaze's" throat for good measure. Lane then proceeds to get in referee "Astigmatic" Jay Soltis' area, kind of muscling him into the corner, and then he wipes his face with Soltis' shirt! Tremendous. Lane hotdogs too long, though, and turns around to get a face full of microphone from an angry Anderson. Anderson waits for him to get up, off the ropes, Thesz press with punches! Anderson's very generous with the choke on Lane, releases at 4, and goes up top for some posturing to the crowd. LANE BLADES! I wouldn't have expected it on this show, and neither did that fan, apparently, judging by his recoil. Hahaaa! Wow, apparently NOBODY in the audience wants to be anywhere a bleeding Lenny Lane...it just goes to show you, one bad gimmick and they'll never let you live it down. I wonder if Billy and Chuck have gotten their "hepatitis-free" certificates laminated yet...? Lane jumps back into the ring, and Anderson bails and stalls. Lane out, Anderson in, and the headgames continue. Lane stops chasing to jaw with some fans, only to turn around right into a rope-assisted swinging kick from Anderson! Lane gets beat on a little, face bounced off of the apron and he's rolled back in. Commentators unsurprisingly bait the internet journalism crowd with the possibility of an Anderson victory...what, is EVERYBODY doing it now? All they need now is an Internet Wrestling Championship(psspssAPWpsspss)...what?(psspsspsspsst)MICHAEL MODEST?! Just wonderful.

...anyway...Lane put into the corner, monkeyflipped out, Anderson with a pose and a dropkick. It gets but two. Lane is up, clothesline is ducked, Anderson laces the arm and turns him around into a Northern Lights Suplex! 1, 2, no. Lane is put into the corner for more punishment, Anderson calls the spot, cross-corner whip is reversed, Anderson stairsteps up to the top rope and Lane shoves him off to the floor where he lands on a chair and flattens a fan! Ow! "SD-Dub" chant while a ringworker attends to the fan in question. No word on whether he was made to sign any waivers for R__ B____'s promotion, though. Lane comes out and prepares to run Anderson into a...

...commercial break! GO SEE TORMENT 2002! GO! NOW!

Back in the ring, Lenny Lane is hitting a spinning backdrop on Ken Anderson. 1, 2, kicked out. Lane picks him up and gets a LONG delayed suplex on him(0:20 by my count), following up with a pose and a JERICHO COVER! "Come on babay!" I love it. It only gets 2, however, and the "Y2J" chant is muted? Hmm...pickup and snapmare by Lane, laces the arm...laces both arms...sitting on the neck in what I can only describe as an inverted stump-puller. Huh. Anderson refuses to give up, though(not like he could tap with his arms held up like that), and Lane lets go. Anderson recovers enough to hit some rights, though, and sends Lane into the corner, and rushes straight into a back elbow. Lane puts the boots to Anderson and chokes him on the bottom rope, chokes him WITH the bottom rope(from his back, in an interesting twist), picks him up, Irish whip into a powerslam for 2. Anderson tries some backhands to the gut, but a Lane eye-poke puts and end to that. Lane hits a snapmare, segued into a rolling necksnap, and gets 2. Anderson is picked up, bounced across the bottom rope, and thrown face-first out to the floor. Lane follows him out, sticks his butt in a fan's face while picking Anderson up(the fan leaves!), and runs "Kamikaze" into the ringpost. Anderson picked up, kneed in the gut, face bounced off the apron and rolled bodily into the ring. Lane with the stomps, mocking the fans, turns around to take some quick lefts from Anderson, shuck, jive, and a right hand puts Lane down. Irish whip, spin wheel kick, 1, 2. Lane is up, goes for a waistlock, Anderson blows a reversal sequence but Lane nevertheless manages to hit a Doctorbomb for 2! Lane goes up, Anderson meets him there, crotches him, gives him some rights, climbs up, almost slips on the ropes, frankensteiner, no, Lane with a diving second-rope powerbomb that Anderson takes with his head! Not quite as frightening as Mondo's bump last week, but still ugly. It's enough, though, and Lenny Lane is your winner(10:17 shown). Lane makes his victory lap, and we're out. Tune in next week as: