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(Author's note: My apologies for the replete tardiness of this report. All management where I work is in Atlantic City at a Backer's Show until next Friday, and I have no time whatsoever to work on my article. I'll get last weekend's show out as soon as possible, and I appreciate your patience. -K)


This edition of SDW is brought to you by Buddy's  Smoked Turkey and Swiss on Pretzel Bread, the first season of The Sopranos on DVD playing on my left-hand side(thanks, Jess), Springwater cigarettes and my Friday night and Saturday morning. Speaking of Springwaters, back in a moment...


(Later) Hmm, I didn't have my first of the day until 8.15p, I'm getting better at this...anyway, we'll see if I can finish these reports back-to-back before Saturday night. Fast as I can, let's get rolling...

Opening Montage: different music plays for about :28 and we're cut short straightaway into a live shot with Slick Mick Karch(with usual graphic) and a surprisingly Jim Ross-looking Ed Hellier(with eventual graphic), welcoming you to another scintillating episode of S! D! DUB! A hot crowd tonight, from the looks of things, and I'm excited by last week's preview. Who's up? Unfortunately, "Sick" Nick Mondo's injury(that I was unaware of) is immediately addressed, and hopefully he'll be back in action soon. Due to that godawful weather that Minnesota is known for, ACID and a few other performers will miss action tonight. Also, potential title contender "The Austrian Husky" Bob Capell(sp?) had an accident involving his dog and a groin...injury...criminy. Anyway, he's not here tonight, either, so, uh, we're gonna have to improvise something for the main event, so to speak. Yeah. To belabour the point, here's Mortimer Plumtree, esq. and NEWWWWW SDW Champion Magnus Maximus. Due to the lack of competition for the champ this e'en, he and Plumtree wish to take their respective leaves, with pay, of course. The parties involved stumble through an argument for what seems like a long enough time before "Sausagecase" Hellier brings in a suitable opponent to challenge for da belt tonight, Brooklyn Center's own Jerry Lynn! Okay, there's a little back-and-forth on the stick between the two competitors, and I decide that MM's worse at these things than the former Mr. JL. Are we going to see an...oops, I guess it's not important what's going to happen, as Magnus gets all proactive and stuff by kicking JL's ass and putting him into the ring, MM left, left, Irish whip and JL ducks the clothesline, off the ropes with a beautiful satellite headscissors takeover and MM bails. Lynn with a parting stomp and then match is signed for later tonight. Meanwhile, here's an upcoming event:

SDW Fan Fest 2002 Friday, April 12 at the Cottage Grove Armory(8180 Belden Blvd.) and it's FREEEEEEEEE! with a meetandgreet with SDDub performers at 6.5p, show at 7.5p. Hmm, I don't work Friday, and it's a free chance to meet all the people I run down in these reports? Sounds like a plan to me. Now, which part of the wasteland that is St. Paul is this Cottage Grove Armory...? 651-306-2231 or for more details for the interested.

  • Morrie's Hwy. 81 brings you the Denucciplex of the Day! Whatever.

  • KICK WHAM DENUCCIBOMB, I'll just be over here...

    Jason Powell of The Torch is announced as our special guest common tater, and we're underway with the 1st Match: Kujo, the Dog of War(with ski boots, bondage gear, chains and holy mother of monkeycrap, they actually got his graphic right) vs. "Superstar" Mike Mercury(w/graphic and "fancy" headband, no entrance) very little in the way of a feeling-out process as we get straight to the lockup, and Kujo(who looks to outweigh Supastar Mike by about 100 lbs.) throws Mercury a goodly way across the ring, Mercury up and ducking away from a lockup attempt, pointing to the head, turns around and there's a Kujo lariat. Mercury up and staggering into a side headlock, STOMPING IT IN(©WOW) by Kujo, Mercury stomps harder than he throws the elbow to Kujo's back, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Kujo puts him down. Kujo leaps over the prone Mercury, off the ropes and reversing the hiptoss attempt, Mercury up into a lifting chokehold and thrown down., either Kujo is bad at giving these bumps or Mercury's bad at taking them(or a combination of the two), but I'm worried for this kid's imminent future in the business. After all, moves are just supposed to LOOK painful, right? Mercury in the corner and begging off, but Kujo's on him with the stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp and a cross-corner whip. Mercury somehow staggers out of the way of a Stinger Splash, points somewhere near his head, hits one AWFUL Flatliner, wiping the hands and a hand-on-the-chest pin gets 1. Forearm to Kujo's back, stomp, another forearm and Kujo's knee is lifted up and stomped down. Mercury with the Jeff Jarrett taunt, spinning toehold, legdrop on the prone leg. Has he picked his body part yet? Mercury picks Kujo up, stomps the knee to put him down, jaws the fans a bit and chokes the Dog o' War with the bottom rope. Okay, apparently he reeeeeeally wants to be Jeff Jarrett, and here's your strut. Did I ever expect to be grateful for a commercial break...? Not a good sign.

    A brief respite from the rigors of recapping, brought to you by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Woo.

    ....and we're back, with Mercury disputing the referee's call(ostensibly for a pin attempt), and laying into Kujo with a forearm and stomp. The Superstar seems pleased with the way the match is going, and here's a gleeful figure-four leglock on that action. Mercury hangs onto the ropes for leverage, bouncing and letting go at the ref's behest, only to grab 'em again as soon as it's convenient. Kujo fights for all of 5 seconds before turning the hold over, and Mercury's quick to grab the ropes to get the break. Commentators actually make comparisons between this kid and RIC FLAIR?! Oooooookay. Mercury puts Kujo down with another forearm, stomping the leg, Jeff Hardy legdrop and another Jarrett strut. Is Kujo on quaaludes or something? He seems a tad unmotivated compared to his Bradley match, and that's saying something. One-finger pin gets 2, and I'm wondering where this whole thing is going. Hey, look at that, Mercury makes with the stomp/forearm to the back combo, is there no end to this man's offense? Wait, no, I haven't seen him use that move yet(a snapmare), so I guess I could be mistaken...(*holds index finger aloft*)OR NOT! Ahh, I've been waiting for just thr right moment to use that one. Or, uh, you know. Mercury with the throat-cutting gesture and he's going up, hotdogging a bit, off the top with what was supposed to be a Wisconsin Jam, except for the part where he sort of lands on his feet and just kind of sits down. Who knows, perhaps that's the way Flair'd do it if he tried a legdrop from the top, I don't know. Devastating. Both men are up, Mercury's punch is blocked, Kujo's is not, Mercury' almost blocked, Kujo says, "Aw, fuck it" and punches him anyway. Kujo brings the right hands, accidentally pulls Superstar Mike's headband off(Whoa, anybody seen his hairline? Hyuk yuk a-hyork hyork yorgle shoot me now), trying to put it back on and measuring him for a headbutt. Mercury up, I think it was a big boot by Kujo but the camera angle just showed Mercury falling down. Fort4-5ive, where we say Suck It to production values. Kujo gets him up, Irish whip is reversed, reversed again into a short clothesline by Kujo. And another, spitting in SSM's face to boot. And yet another short clothesline, for a 2 count. Kujo gets him up, kicks him in the chest, headscissors, no, front chancery, clumsy muscling into an over-the-shoulder thing that Mercury wriggles out of. Mercury with a sloppy chop block, standing headscissors, piledriver attempt reversed into a back bodydrop. Kujo is up and waiting for him, gutshot, over the shoulder, hey, a sit-out crucifix powerbomb! So THAT's what he's always trying for. 1, 2, 3(8:48 shown), spits on him again and Kujo is your winner. Commentators are quick to draw comparisons to A Certain Governor of Minnesota, but I don't see where Kujo's making unnecessary political announcements just to fuck with the media. Or maybe he does on the side, who can say? And here's a break.

  • Fan Fest next Friday, be there or...something.

  • More commercialization, leading to...

    THE CYCLONE FENCE OF BEHARDCORELINESS! Where was that thing all this time? Anyway, it's time for another Slick Mick Interview Segment, as we stand in the august presence of former champion Scotty Zappa(w/haircut and graphic), who's here to discuss his upcoming match with a man who tried to end his career, Sam Hayne. Zappa asks him to take a sit back in that chair that he's sittin' down in right now and listen to what he has to say. I take a shot of Tuaca. Uh, depths of hell, bags of tricks, dirtier than most, deeper into hell. And there's your promo, so apparently I haven't been the only one drinking this evening. Well, at least we get straight to the damned...

    ....3rd Match: Vince Mcmahon has shed his human guise! All fear the Lord of Darkn-oh, no, um, it's just some fat guy with an inflatable helmet, aka Sam Hayne(w/ graphic, Ricky Steamboat's 1991 entrance modified for even less subtlety, and Mortimer Plumtree. Who says he doesn't have the tools[being the operative word] to make it in this business?) vs. The Oiliest Player in the Game, Scotty Zappa(w/ Scotty Norton's tights, entrance and graphic). Oh, man, Hayne's going to actually wrestle in that thing? It has little inflatable ox-horns! Well, if Satan's grand design involves making his followers look like complete jackasses(baked goods mishaps notwithstanding), then I suppose the forces of darkness have triumphed. Oh, hey, they finally got to the action. About time, I say. After opening the match with a slight variant on the WWF's quasi-shoot-fighty thing, the SDW Stall-for-All, Scotty Zappa seems to get as irritated as I'm feeling and goes outside to take it to Hayne and Plumtree. Double noggin-knocker, pummeling Hayne, rolling him into the ring. Overhand right, right, evil body shot(not a pleasant thought) by Hayne, evil right, evil right, evil right, evil right, evil body shot, evil Irish whip and an evil clothesline. Evil pin for an evil 1 count, evilly blatant choke, evil grounded head punches. I have to stop for a moment, invert my pinky and touch it to the corner of my mouth. Mortimer Plumtree is referred to as a sniveling, whining piece of human feces. Not having a good night, Karch? Evil Irish whip is reversed, Thesz press is sort of blown but Zappa is quick with the punches, making Hayne's inflatahorns wiggle...evilly. Off the ropes, fouchez-vous elbow(as close an approximation as I could make...I never took French), 2 count. Playing to the crowd, stomp for Hayne, calling the spot, Irish whip and a back elbow. 1, 2, ain't happening. Picking Hayne up, Irish whip is evilly reversed, evil back elbow is ducked, evilly half-ass clothesline is ducked, Zappa high crossbody is not. It gets a 2, though. Inflatable mask to the turnbuckle, Irish whip is evilly reversed and Plumtree grabs the ankle. It distracts Zappa long enough for Hayne come come up from behind and evilly dump him. Evil crowd taunt gets camera time while Plumtree cheapshots Zappa on the outside. Evil plancha! Will it get an "Ess-Dee-Dub" chant? Apparently so, as a plancha seems to be the hardest-core move of the evening...I'll be at the SDW Fan Fest, by the way, wearing my, "OR F'N NOT" t-shirt. Evil pummeling on the floor and evil electric cable choke leads to an eeeeeeeeevil commercial break.

  • Good heavens, Don McLean is ugly. Hey, do you like wrestling? Well, then, surely you must like balladeers as well! Buy "Once Upon a Song" TODAY!

    Back to the action, back to the choking. Mine, of course, but something evil's going on outside of the ring with electrical cable as well. Wow, that Scotty Zappa sure plays dirty, doesn't he? Why, just look at the sneaky way he gets rammed into that ringpost! Or the way he gets the crap kicked out of him and rolled into the ring so that he lies there, unscrupulously gasping for air? Or the way I go out of my way to point out inconsistencies in a match that maybe 300 people are watching and 8 people are reading about? Sigh... evil open-handed something to the head by Hayne, evil blatant choke(have we seen the end of Sam Hayne's variegated moveset? STAY TUNED!), evil calling of the spot, evil corner shots and more EVILLY BLATANT spot calling...well, he's wearing an inflatable fucking helmet, I'd say that's hardly conducive to hearing what other people are trying to say. Evil corner whip, evil lariat, evil pin, 1, 2, Zappa grabs the ropes. Evil snapmare segued into a diabolical chinlock. Dastardly grounded headlock, half-assedly notverynice feet on the ropes...okay, they can't even do a heat sequence right, and for the first time, I'm actually fast-fprwarding through a match. When we return...Zappa with elbows to the body, off the ropes and into an evil back elbow. 1, 2, eh-ehhhhhh. Back to that villainous chinlock, evil choking on the ropes, just plain bad arguing with the ref while Plumtree chokes Zappa out. Evil shot to the head, evil shot to the back, hellish scoom and a nightmarish slam. Only a one count follows, but the ref makes like it was 2. Okay. Zappa evilly dumped and choked out on the floor by Plumtree, brought back in and into the corner for evil punchy-stompy. As soon as Hayne evilly turns his back, Zappa does the Page Pull-Up and puts him into the corner. Right, right, right, calling the spot, cross-corner whip is reversed(evilly), Hayne runs straight into Zappa's boot. Zappa up on the second rope, high-risk maneuver? Well, as high-risk as you can get with a falling right hand. It gets 2. Ed Hellier has joined the commentary position to contribute to plot development, and they go on and on about Bob Capell's testicular damage at the hands of his dog. Were you interested? Too goddamn bad. Hayne picked up, Irish whip, Zappa puts his head down and gets an evil knee in the face for his troubles. Hayne evilly off the ropes, EVILLY BLOWN SWINGING NECKBREAKER! Wow, I didn't think he had it in him. 1, 2, nah. Zappa in the corner, evil body shot, evil dancing X-pac-style martial arts kicks? What the hell was that? Those had to have been the most oddly rhythmic, yet casual kicks in the corner I've ever seen, and I still don't know what to make of them. Evil cross-corner whip, followed in with an evil clumsy handstand kick?! Whaa...? It's like they told Mideon to get out there, put on a ridiculous inflatable mask and half-ass a few of Rob Van Dam's moves. Zappa Flop, and going up top? Okay, I guess they grease the ropes in SDW, because he's slipping all over the goddamn things worse than Nick Mondo did a few weeks ago. Evil flying butt-splash misses, though, and Zappa blocks Hayne's right and answers back with two of his own, a slap to the chest, inflatable mask to the turnbuckle, slow cross-corner whip followed with a Zappa butt-splash! Before Hayne can slump evilly in the corner, Zappa is grabbing for the mask, front chancery, suplex gets 2. Zappa's signaling to the crowd, calls the spot, Irish whip is evilly reversed, evil was-supposed-to-be-a-spinebuster-but-he-landed-lightly-on-his-feet- and-THEN-falls-down-and-sells-the-move. For 2. Evil Irish whip, evil clothesline is ducked, Hayne turned around, Flatliner! Best-looking move of the match, and it gets a .4 Sabu(wink, wink), not to mention the 3 count(12:05 shown), thankfully ending the misery for all parties involved, including Yours Truly. BUT WAIT! Neckbrace Plumtree is up to contest the finish, and when Zappa goes over to beat his skinny ass down, Sam Hayne is coming up behind him and drinking whiskey from the flask! Oh, no, it seems that "Subtle" Sam was actually loading up the green mist of EVIL SPEWFICATION, and the helpful people at Channel 45 are focusing on his attemps to be discreet with the vial...well, it could have been worse, I suppose, the ref could have held up a finger, excused himself from the Zappa/Plumtree altercation, and exaggeratedly tiptoed over to Hayne and handed the vial off to him. Subtlety and sarcasm, both lost on the humor-impaired. Anyway, Zappa does the "TONY TONY MAH EYES ARE BURNING TONY TONY TONY" sell(I still miss Stevie Ray, and I'm still of the opinion that he and Joey Styles would have been the commentary team that would have RULED ALL but I digress yet again), and Hayne is back in with The Black Basalt Throne of the Netherworld, or a steel chair, takeyerpick. Satanic DDT on the chair, and Plumtree is in to lay the badmouth, which Hayne punctuates with stomps. Common Taters seem horribly upset with the whole thing, although I'm assuming for different reasons than mine. Commercial break it down! *Bom-ba-dowmp, bom-ba-down-biddy-bown*

  • Fan Fest 2002, all right, already.

  • Tony DeNucci and his banker fixation, next...

  • Tony Denucci's haircut sucks, next...

  • Various 45 promos, with the only reef of coolness in an ocean of lame being Greg Proops. Speaking of cool...

    3rd Match: Jobbin' Jerry Lynn vs. SDW Champeen Just Magnus(graphics for all) for the EssDeeDubya (that makes me think of the president with a huge head and a tiny little body. Hahaaaa!) Heavyweight Title. JL's heavy metal salute is interrupted by MM's forearms to the back. JL into the corner, MM left, left and a choke. Left, cross-corner whip, no, a boot to the gut and there we are with the cross-corner whip. Follow-up charge is evaded, JL boot, right, right, right, Irish whip is reversed, MM hiptoss is blocked, JL with a swinging bodyscissors into a bulldog! See, only :30 in, and we've already exceeded the move limit of the previous match. MM down in the corner, JL with the stomps(x5), MM up and tasting a right, cross-corner whip is reversed but JL grabs the ropes and leaps backwards over MM's head, MM lariat ducked, Lynn up on the second rope, boot to the face, signaling for the Tornado DDT and he gets it! That's his finisher now, isn't it? Well, however finishtacular that move may be, it sent MM sliding all the way out of the ring and onto the floor. Big "Jerry" chant as MM's getting up, JL off the opposite ropes, baseball slide is ducked and MM's running. JL chases him into the ring, ankles grabbed by Plumtree and MM drops the double axehandle on his head. Blatant choke, JL's ECW history addressed, overhand left by MM, and another, Irish whip, lariat is slid under and JL gives him a dropkick to the knee! MM down and clutching the knee and JL capitalizes with a legdrop to the back of his head. 1, 2, not gonna do it. Both men up, JL overhand right, right, Irish whip is reversed and JL gets dumped. Plumtree is over quick to waylay him with the cricket bat while MM distracts the ref, and JL is slow to get into the ring. MM attempts to suplex him in, JL wriggles out(Maximus gives us a great, "What the hell...?" face for this), gutshot, Irish whip is turned into an arm wringer, scoop slam, no, dropping JL on his feet, twisting neckbreaker takedown! Nice move by the champ, and it gets 2. MM puts the shin on the throat while he argues the count, and the ref forces a break. JL picked up, Irish whip and a back elbow puts him down. MM is over with a kick to the small of the back, stomping him in the corner and holding for a choke while using the bottom rope for leverage. The ref forces a break and reprimands MM while Plumtree is behind JL to choke him out with the bat. Lynn is sat on the bottom turnbuckle, overhand right, cross-corner whip, JL grabs the ropes again, up and over, twisting bodyscissors into a sunset flip for 2! Man, you'd think they could have gotten this guy's crazy pinning combinations over, but I suppose that just isn't the case with "enhancement talent". Feh. JL is up and off the ropes, lariat is caught by MM and turned into a Space Flying Tiger Drop...I mean, a sidewalk slam. 1, 2, nyet. MM with a reverse chinlock, lets go, punch to the face and back to the chinlock.This goes on for a while, until a "Jerry" chant proves sufficient enough to get Lynn to his feet, elbow to MM's gut, attempt to reach the ropes is countered with a hairpull takedown, and here's a commercial break.

  • Fan Fest. Uh-huh.

  • Hey, do you like indy wrestling? Well, then, surely you must be painfully old and decrepit as well! Buy Golden Care Health Insurance!

  • Just in case you weren't paying attention(or are senile), let's play that commercial again!

  • Lotto, aka state-sponsored taxation on those with poor math skills.

    Back to the action, and JL's rolling around on the mat while MM's yelling at the crowd. He then chokes him on the second rope and argues with the ref so someone can do something to someone else with a cricket bat. Calling the spot loudly, Irish whip, clothesline is ducked, flapjack attempt is turned into a JL dropkick! Both men are down, "Astigmatic" Jay Soltis makes with the count, both men are up, MM lariat ducked, JL lariat connects. Off the ropes with another clothesline, "come on!", MM in the corner, JL right, cross-corner whip and JL is tossed to the apron, right is blocked, MM tries to shoulderblock JL, but he gets jumped over and legdropped onto the second rope! The fans make with much applause, and I'm sure Jerry appreciates their appreciation. He's still gonna lose, though, and I haven't even seen the end of this tape. The ten-minute mark is announced as having been passed, even though it's only 7:49 by my count, but screw it. JL is back in with an overhand right for MM, and another, but a double-thrust to the throat puts an end to that. MM hooks a front chancery, JL put onto the top turnbuckle, chop, MM onto the second rope, wants the superplex, JL blocks, blocks again, rights to the gut, JL with forearms to the back, he's standing on the top, sunset flip off the top rope and JL just FOLDS him up on the pin, 1, 2, so close. JL staggers to his feet, standing headscissors on MM, could it be...? YES! The Cradle Piledriver makes its return to competition and the fans are STANDING for that one! 1! 2! Aww, shit, Plumtree pulls Soltis out of the ring and waffles him with that fucking cricket bat. JL is up and after Plumtree, Plumtree jumps off the apron and JL turns right into a beltshot, that should do it, new referee Joe Mackoe(sp?) is in too slowly, however, and MM only gets a 2. JL again into the corner, right by MM, cross-corner whip is reversed and JL sends him into Mackoe! Ahh, it just wouldn't be main event-caliber without those gaddamn ref bumps, would it? MM staggers into another Cradle Piledriver, fighting out of it, back bodydrop attempt is turned into a JL sunset flip, but MM sits on his shoulders, he's got the ropes, Plumtree rolls the ref into the ring and there's the 1, 2, what did I tell you?, 3(11:00 shown). I didn't like the finish, but otherwise it was an excellent match. Magnus Maximus and Plumtree make with much celebration, Jerry Lynn gets the standing O(a sign in crowd says, "LYNN=WIN". Not tonight, however), and Sausagecase Hellier is out to welcome Lynn back to Minnesota. SDW Replay is brought to you by WESTURN(I still don't know what they do), ©MMII Steel Domain Wrestling SPCW, LLC. And we're out. Again, thanks go out to everyone who took the time to visit my smarmy little corner of the world, and everyone who felt inclined to bring the feedback. Stay Tuned!

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