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| Steel Domain Wrestling | 28.9.2 |
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STEEL DOMAIN WRESTLING 9.28.2002 Here we go again... Another Saturday afternoon, and I figured I'd get back on the horse one more time to bring you wonderful people the Minnesota Indy Demographic Recapitulieren... not to mention the fact the Pilot Candidate, my favorite target for fun-makery, came to a series end not too long ago...geez, pre-teen borderline-yaoi not bringing in the numbers, who'd'a thunk it? Moving on... Opening Montage gets the full :30 treatment this time around, and apparently we're not in the St. Paul Armory. Mick Karch and Ed Hellier(with new and improved graphics) start us off and helpfully point out the SDW is, for the moment, being held at the Treasure Island Resort and Casino(!), while some guy with a SmackDown! shirt tries to get an "Ess-Dee-Dub" chant started. Ed says that The Lost Soul J.B. Trask wants a match with SDW champ Lenny Lane(what the-LANE is the champ now? Man, I haven't been watching this show in a long time...), and is willing to beat some ass to get it. "Sausagecase" Hellier makes mention of pulling Lane out of TNA(meaning they have no further use for him, I'm betting...what will become of the Rainbow Express? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!), because they've got the best thing going on right here in Minnesota, and I try(without success) to keep the Yo-J from squirting out of my nose with laughter. Trask comes out for an interview(with SmackDown!'s theme music?), and goes on and on without really saying much of anything, in his usual bellowing incoherent style. Sort of like your dad's old army buddy that drinks waaaaay too much and hits on your sister after everyone else has gone to bed. I've said too much. Damn, I don't even have to pause the tape to recap this thing, this guy blathers on and on, ironically pointing out that his interviews don't drag. Uh-huh. And now, a break. SDW Hell-Oween is coming! October 26th! FEAR THE PRODUCTION VALUES! SDW returns to Treasure Island Sunday, October 6th, at 4 and 6:30 pm! Free!! TV Taping! Yee. Call 1-800-222-7077 ext. 2297 for details. That must have been a long promotional set, as Mick Karch seems to have gotten a haircut and a different suit in time for a backroom interview with a grinning Gage Octane(who now has his own shirt) about his upcoming match with the former SDW Champion, Matt Burns(damn, I've really missed a lot, I guess). Octane actually gives a pretty funny interview, mocking Burns' ring entrance and comparing him to Howdy Doody, but we're abruptly cut off for a commercial. A ref, some chick(I'm thinking Lacey) and some guy strongly reminiscent of the Bank Jobber in Tony DeNucci's car dealership commercial come out to pimp Argente Photographie. Criminetly, these jackasses make the Denuccibombmercial look like...well, nothing actually good, but a lot less bad than it normally does. At least they cut it off abruptly, as well. I'm smelling a trend here...at least, I hope it's a trend I'm smelling. Damn, this sucks. Do you like unthinking jingoism, but aren't so big on dying pointlessly in the middle of the godforsaken desert? Join the National Guard! 1-800-GO-GUARD! YO JOE! Local News Spots. Mercifully, we finally find ourselves at the 1st Match: Gage Octane(with a graphic that just says, "Gage") vs. "The Natural" Matt Burns(with awful new haircut and country music entrance), in a nothing match. The ref signals for the bell, and we're underway. (Author's note: from the one or two bits of feedback I've received, my "rip-off the boss's exacting writing method except for actually being GOOD" stylings tend to be a bit dry where YOU, the readers are concerned, so I'm gonna try to cut it a little shorter this time around, okay?) Mat wrestling to start, and Burns controls with some good technical work, dueling grounded headlocks, and we finish the sequence with INDY RESPECT TILDE BANG. Even the REF is applauding? What the hell...? It wasn't THAT good, geez. They trade arm wringers until Octane gets tired of it and smacks Burns in the face to break. Funny spot where Octane disputes the ref's "closed fist" call by slapping Burns in the face to show that it was open-handed, and not (punch) closed-fisted, like that (punch). He repeats the spot a few dozen times, just in case anyone missed it, and one can only wonder if Burns doesn't actually like it a little. Criss-cross, and the commentators are in the midst of putting over Burns' agility JUST at the moment he blows an assisted-backflip spot, shutting them up quickly. Beautiful. Octane bails, Burns brings him back in the hard way, and Octane begs off, suckering Burns into a hotshot on the turnbuckle. Octane mauls him in the corner, but Burns comes back with a somersault bodyblock off the ropes! Octane levels him with a lariat, however, and it's time for a chinlock. Yay. Heat sequence, and Burns powers out, only to get caught by a HIGH hiptoss, into a Michinoku Driver! Wow, that was actually really good. It gets 2, and while Octane argues the count, Burns rolls him up for 2. Burns goes all vanilla-offense on Octane, but misses a dropkick and Octane hits that swingout-uranage that D-Lo Brown used to use for 2. Octane mocks Burns, misses a corkscrew moonsault(!), Burns slams him and hits HIS moonsault and that's it(5:12 shown). WESTURN brings you the replay. SDW RETURNS TO TREASURE ISLAND you know the rest. Treasure Island spot. Local spots. Look at all the mullets! George Michael's Sports Machine covers wrestling? Huh. I thought George Michael liked...I'll be quiet. We're back. 2nd match: Adrian Lynch(with Rain) vs. Horace the Psychopath(with Lacey) quick graphic for both as Horace rushes the ring and Lynch proceeds to knock the piss out of him, just laying in the right hands. Apparently, since Lynch is despondent at losing the TV Title to Mitch Paradise(who I don't know a damned thing about), if he can't beat Horace tonight, he's retiring. Hmm. Another slugfest, won by Horace this time, and he kicks Lynch's ass a little more and double-stomps him. Horace makes with the biting, including that groin-biting spot, which draws screams from the females in the audience? Don't worry, ladies, it brings back bad memories for me, too. *cough*Bad Irish whip spot, neckbreaker by Horace, two count. Horace whups his ass some more, and makes the ladies scream some more with a nipple-gnaw on Lynch. I have this strange urge to go smoke a cigarette now. I mean...Horace misses a turnbuckle splash and Lynch literally stomps his ass. Lynch slugs Horace down and does a little biting of his own, before giving Horace a longer beatdown sequence, with more than a few assists by Rain. Horace comes back with the brawling, but a Lynch jawbreaker puts a stop to that. More whuppin's from Lynch, but Horace dorks up and makes the superdork comeback. Diving shoulderblock and superkick get a two count. Lynch kills him good with a jumping piledriver, but is distracted by the catfight between Lacey and Rain on the outside, so Horace hits him with a jumping DDT, Cannonball, and Lynch is retired(with a damn fast count, I might add) at 7:10. WESTURN brings you the replay once again. Having a fundraiser or special event, but feel like it's just not special enough without sweaty Minnesota indy-wrestler roid-monkeys?! Well, buster, you're in luck! Steel Domain Wrasslin' is NOW accepting bookings for weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, telethons, bachelor parties and damn near anything else you can think of! Call 1-800-383-5672 for details!! Now!!! Another Treasure Island spot. 1-800-BUY-A-CAR. That's right. Like seeing skaters hit their balls on various things? Like watching stunt-dipshits of all stripes nearly killing themselves for no real reason other than your amusement? WATCH MAX-X More local spottage... ....and we're back, just in time for...oh, lord, it's a ladies' tag match. 3rd Match: Lacey and Vixen vs. ODB and Rain...something tells me that the ladies are going to be the least ugly part of this one, though not intentionally, I assure you. Lacey and Vixen make sure to argue loudly over who starts, just in case someone sleeping off a hangover in the cheap seats missed the fact that they don't like each other. Think it might affect the outcome of the match? I've never seen ODB before(and have NO IDEA what that name might mean, yurk yurk), she looks kinda like the love-child of Jazz and Rhyno...pissing your pants yet? I know I sure am! And it has nothing to do with...oh, never mind. Rain suckers Lacey into the corner, where she and ODB put some boots down. Lacey gives 'em the old double noggin-knocker, and gives ODB about the weakest kick in the ass I've ever seen, which somehow seems more insulting than if she really got her foot up in that action. Anyway, Lacey and Rain seem to have a problem calling their spots(think Linda and Jackie), but Rain does that RVD bent-in-half sell for Lacey's clothesline, so if I gave stars, this would have gotten out of DUD territory on the strength of that alone. Vixen is tagged in, and she has an odd kind of offense that involves her flipping her hair more than Kevin Nash...I dunno, I kind of like it. Lacey really stinks, though. Armwringer, and Vixen gives her a textbook LA MAJISTRAL for two, thus making her my favorite wrestler in this match. I don't know why, but I'm such a huge mark for that move. And then she goes and tags in Lacey, dammit. Rain, bless her heart, sells as best she can, but Lacey just ain't one for remembering spots, trying to Irish whip her, stopping, and then just pushing her into the corner and half-assedly struggling to put her on the top rope. Punches, but Rain shoves her off and drags her by the hair into the heel corner, introducing her to ODB's boot. ODB reeeeeeeally has that female Rhyno-vibe about her, and it's weird. Lacey is whipped into a DEEP dropkick from ODB for 2, and ODB pummels her mercilessly from the grounded position. Lacey is put into the ropes, chopped by ODB, chopped again, and a SPIT CHOP( The Rock) leads to an Irish whip, reversed into an ODB springboard clothesline for 2! ODB kicks her ass some more, and the heels double-team Lacey for a good long while. Double-suplex, but Lacey sunset-flips Rain for 2. Rain and Lacey blow a hairtoss spot, and Rain is looking frustrated. At this point, the announcers start calling Lacey Vixen, and I'm confused. The weird part is, as soon as they do that, "Vixen" starts wrestling with a bit more aplomb, reversing a reverse DDT into a snap suplex that wasn't at all bad. This is so weird. ODB tagged in, hot tag for, uh, "Lacey", I guess. "Lacey" cleans house, ducking Rain's clothesline and hitting a beautiful released German suplex! What the hell? "Vixen" takes down ODB with a bulldog, "Lacey" covers, and "Vixen" throws her off. Wacky...face... miscommunication...leads to Rain hitting an X-factor on "Vixen", and this is just getting too surreal for me. ODB with an Irish whip, "Lacey" ducks a clothesline, laces the arm and hits a floatover DDT...for the pin(6:40 shown)?! WESTURN replay, yup. Do you like throwing your money away on gambling, but don't want to associate with smokers because of their slavery to addiction?! Should that prove to be the case, kiss my ass, and then go to Treasure Island! Minnesota's largest non-smoking casino! Commercials! Woot! Hell-Oween. It's coming. Aiiieeee. 4th Match: Lenny Lane vs. J. B. Trask for the SDW Championship Lane is looking a lot more like Triple H than Jericho now, if you take my meaning. Lane encourages some sort of chant to start, and I can't be bothered to transcribe. Ahh, THERE's the graphic. They trade armwringers, dispute over whether Trask used a closed fist, Lane takes him down and they mat wrestle for a bit. Have I made mention of the fact that casino-goers seem to be about the most obnoxiously markish fans I've ever seen? Goddamn, you'd think they got their tickets for free...oops. *ahem* Anyway, the chant seems to be "Take a shower(clap-clap clapclapclap)" and GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY is that woman in the front row an obese monstrosity! Trask takes control with brawling, but Lane powers out of a headlock and takes him down. Lane channels the spirit of Edge and gets...that...thing...you know, where Edge grabs them by the back of the head and does that sitout thingy! Dammit, I talk about it enough, why am I blocking on it now? Arrrrrrghh...it gets two. Lane tries a monkey flip, but Trask reverses and puts him up top, where Lane nails a Tornado DDT! No word on whether it was an F-5 tornado...and now you know. You're welcome. Another slugfest, won by Lane, and he tries to hit an ACTUAL F-5, but Trask escapes and clobbers him...right into a commercial. Argente Photography, where the men job and the women...sob. Dammit, I tried. More commercials, including an SDW Treasure Island spot. When we return, Trask is on the ground, bellowing toothlessly while Lane seems to be warming up the band...Sweet Groin Music misses and Trask hits one of his own, sending Lane clear out of the ring. Lane is brought back in after a long time, put in the Tree of Woe, and Trask hits him with a running knee. Make it two. For two. Lane blocks a suplex, and hits a :23 long vertical suplex, but seems to drop Trask, who neatly improvises into a rollup. Nice veteran move by Trask, as noone in the crowd seemed to catch on. Lane beats on Trask clumsily for a bit, and misses a dropkick into the corner and lands right on his head. Dumbass. Trask headbutts him down and goes up, but Lane catches him and goes for a superplex, but Trask shoves him off and Lane goes right back at him, nearly killing Trask with an UGLY top-rope DDT. Good God, that was awful. They stay down for a long time, make it up to beat the count, criss-cross, and Lane gets a discus lariat and spears him for 2. Lane with a cross-corner whip, but they knock heads in the corner and Lane goes out, where Magnus Maximus appears and sends Lane back into the ring. Trask makes a pin attempt that is reversed, but Magnus is distracting the ref, so no count. Lane gets up and knocks Magnus off the apron, but turns around into a KICK WHAM FALCON ARROW from Trask for 2. EDGE-O-MATIC! .... ....that was the move I couldn't remember. As it is, Magnus comes back in and stomps on Lane, drawing the DQ at 13:38 shown, ruining the whole thing. Great way to end a main event, guys, but you're not quite WWE, so give it a rest, damn you. Trask leaves, looking mildly annoyed(HEEL SOLIDARITY TILDE KABOOM) as Magnus hits Kanyon's "I'm Better Than You"(inverted Rock Bottom) on Lane, laying him out in the middle of the ring and badmouthing him...right into more commercial love. Treasure Island. Are you going there yet? No? How about buying a Volkswagen? No? How about some local spots? Ahh, thought you might like that. Mick Karch welcomes us back to the BACKROOM LOGO OF RIDICULOUS DEADLINESS and another plodding Horace interview. Oddly enough, Karch is wearing a different outfit, and Horace has all his facepaint back on. If these SDW folks have mastered the secret of time-travel, I promise to say only nice things about them in my next recap, if only they can get me back to 1996, goddammit! Moving on...Horace blathers on about revenge for Lynch costing him the TV Title way back when, only to be interrupted by a mysteriously un-sweaty Adrian Lynch. You can tell Lynch is gonna be all serious because he has his glasses on. Aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! What a nerd! What? What is this "irony" you speak of...? Lynch confirms his retirement, claims not to have any regrets, goes to shake Horace's hand, and SWERVES YOU ALL with the dreaded Flashpaper Attack of Apocalyptic Apocalypse!!! Karch wails piteously, Horace ululates vociferously on the floor, Lynch gives us a "Ha HAAAAA!" face, and ducks offscreen, right into the end credits, and we're out. (İMMII Steel Domain Wrestling SPCW, LLC.) ...so, didja like it better this way? BRINGENZIE MEIN FEEDBACKEN! Thanks for reading. Kandriasin |
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