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Hey, yo.

Excuses, excuses: I was going to do the October 5th show, but it was pre-empted for College Football. Don't even THINK I would've recapped that bullshit(Author's Note: I was also originally going to address the whole Kane/Katie Vick thing and its correlative similarities vis-à-vis Chappaquiddick back in the 70's, but Eric Szulczewski beat me to it on Tuesday. The way I see it, referring to it as "The Kennedy Excuse" will more or less get the point across to everyone who was around to remember it(not that I was, but that's beside the point), and no amount of convoluted conjecture on my part would be able to 'splain it any more eloquently). Sorry. See you at the pay-per-view!

Moving on...last week's episode of SDW is brought to you by Maruchan chicken-flavored Ramen Noodles, new Vanilla Coke, Camel Exotics DarkMint cigarettes(I'm gonna miss you, Springwaters), and my...oh, what is it now...Sunday afternoon! Yay! Opening Montage gets the clip-job treatment, and Mick Karch and "Sauce-uh-kay" Hellier are here to bring you the SDW action from Treasure Island Resort and Casino yet again. Hellier has a bit of a problem, you see. When he got roughed up by JB Trask a few weeks ago, well, sir, that was just fine and dandy, but when a lowly referee dares to lay his hands upon the august personage of SDW's head promoter, now there's gonna be a problem. Sure enough, out comes A referee I would have named, but the audio cut out at this point to plead his case. He's got problems with preliminary referee Joe Mackoe, and is here to make much fun at his expense, alluding to his officiating for curtain-jerkers and generally not being important in any way whatsoever. He refers to Karch and Hellier as "pencils" and Hellier loses it on-screen, proceeding to bust up even more when he compares them and Mackoe to the Bushwhackers and Jameson. He then proceeds to compare the audience to carnies(IRONY~!), and everyone in attendance laugh their asses off when he claims that Hellier signs the contracts in crayon. Too funny. Karch finally runs him off, announcing him as Senior Official Jay Soltis. Well, I'll be damned, a referee cuts the best promos in this joint. How about that?

SDW returns to Treasure Island on October 20th...uh, today. Bell times at 4 and 6:30! Will you be there? Will I be there? I think not.

That godawful Argente Photographie commercial haunts my damn dreams, man...if you wanna brave psychological trauma, call 612-384-9874 for details, and godspeed, snacky.

1-800-BUY-A-CAR. What?

Local Channel Fort4 5ive spots.

1st Match, for the SDW Women's Title: Miss Natural vs. ODB(champeen) and GOOD LORDY is Miss Natural hot, hot enough for me to momentarily forget ODB's channeling of the spirit of Scott Steiner this week, which is still strangely a feminine way, I assure you. Stop looking at me like that. Stoppit! Apparently Miss Natch is the champ down in Missouri, and was trained by none other than Harley Race. Huh. Well, it doesn't show immediately, as she and ODB lock up and immediately blow a hammerlock spot, so Miz Natural elbows ODB in the head a few times and repeats the spot. Yeesh. Reversal by ODB and they settle into their groove, counter-wrestling one another admirably until ODB counters a standing short arm-scissors with a snapmare to break. Criss-cross follows and ODB comes up short on a leapfrog attempt, landing on her knee weirdly and going down. Aw, criminy, is it, as she was just pulling a Jericho, and Miss Natural gets suckered in to take a vicious lariat, which she sells like The Rock taking a Stunner at Wrestlemania, geez. The announcers are quick to point out that she's ripping off Jericho(who they claim was ripping off special guest commentator Scotty Zappa) with what was a stupid move anyway(in their estimation)?! What the FUCK. ODB is quick to capitalize with a beatdown, culminating in cross-corner Tree of Woe body shots, and I'm impressed with this girl's strength, damn. Miss Natural gets hung up, naturally(oh, be quiet), and ODB boots her into oblivion, and finishes with a turnbuckle groin-stand ala Tommy Dreamer, using BOTH feet! Yow! Miss Natural crumples to the ground, but Rhyna wants to belabor her in the corner some more, until she gets reversed and Miss Natch wants a turnbuckle-assisted headscissors takeover, but ODB's having none of that, and plants her hard with a Pendulum Swing! ODB makes with the ground n' pound(Karch: "ODB MOUNTING Miss Natural, and pounding away!" Don't tell me that was taken out of context, you wanker. I'm just jealous), and Miss Natural must likey the squash. ODB knocks the piss out of her some more, positions her in the lower turnbuckle, stink face?, no, she drags her out upside-down, swings her up and DOWN with an inverted facebuster, and the first 2 count of the match! Some fine women's wrestling we're seeing tonight...ODB makes a few more pin attempts, and grounds a side headlock. Miss Natural goes for the heat spot, but the drunken casino-goers are sitting on their hands for this one, the assholes. Miss Natch eventually powers out, runs the ropes, spanks ODB on the ass and takes out the knee with a clip that would have made Ric Flair proud, as she sails halfway across the ring to nail that bad boy. ODB immediately proves herself to be a better seller than Test, as she struggles to her feet only to take a dropkick to the knee, and she's down again. Miss Natural seems to want to be the Nature Girl(oh, now I get it. Jesus), methodically destroying the knee with the full Flair repertoire, and she's hot, too! And NOW we go to school, by way of your favorite and mine, the full stepover toehold into a Figure-Four Leglock, baby! ODB sells it like her leg is being amputated sans anesthetic! ODB tries to roll it over, but it's not happening, so she manages to sit up enough to give Miss Natural a Three Stooges-like eyepoke, and the hold is broken. ODB staggers on the bad knee and misses a clothesline, so Miss Natural runs her into the corner and rolls her up for 2, reversed by ODB and she's got the tights, 1, 2, 3(5:40 shown)! Okay, now I can see what ODB gets to do when faced with a capable opponent, and I like it. Thoroughly old-school match, and an excellent effort put forth by the ladies. ODB limps away(still selling the injury. Take note, ladies) while WESTURN brings you the replay.

Video Professor spot, just in case you're one of those jerks who gets a computer without bothering to learn how to use the goddamn me. -_-

SDW returns to yadda yadda 1-800-222-7077 ext. 2297 for details blah.

And now for a "quick and brief interruption" by SDW Heavyweight Champion Lenny Lane. He's been informed that he doesn't have a match tonight(fan:"DAMMIT!"), but he'd like to thank everyone here for helping him win the SDW Championship. He notes that he doesn't have to wear a mask or pigtails or suck on Blow-Pops to get over, being Lenny Lane will be over enough. He challenges Magnus Maximus for a match anytime, anywhere, but come October 26th, the bloodbath begins. Some unfamiliar music plays, and Austin Aries is out to run down the crowd and Lane's supposed sexuality. He goes on and on for a while, and he wants to know why Lane has been ducking him this whole time. Jericho, I mean, Lane goes on to dispel any rumors about which team he plays for, and makes fun of Aries', shall we say, less than impressive stature, wondering aloud whether he could headline the assclownweight(told ya) division, of which Aries is the only member. Aries responds almost calmly with a left to the face, and an enraged Lane chases him out of the ring while Karch goofs and calls him by his real name several times before Zappa can shut him up. Lane agrees to a match later tonight, and Karch is a schmuck.

HELL-OWEEN IS COMING OCTOBER 26th! Featured matches include: Lenny Lane vs. Magnus Maximus aaaaaand that's all we've got for you. Call 1-800-383-5672 to reserve your tickets.

Treasure Island spot. Hu-fucking-zzah.

More local spots.

Natasha Henstridge(whom I've met, and is even hotter in person, if such a thing is possible) stars in She-Spies! I'm still not watching it.

Max-X brings you the Extremely Lucky Dudes special(read: Natural Selection doesn't always work).

2nd Match(joined in progress): Magnus Maximus vs. Matt Burns(w/"Burnsy" trunks). Magnus is in the middle of beating on Burns, and gives him an Irish whip, but his tilt-a-whirl slam is reversed into a headscissors takeover! Burns is waiting, and puts him down with what Karch calls the best dropkick in the business, but I'm not agreeing with him there, no way. Magnus tries to dump him, but Burns fights back, rolls over Magnus' shoulders, off the ropes and into a Magnus scrapbuster(Boss Man Slam) for 2. Magnus protests the count and stomps Burns, and puts him into the corner for some clubberin'. Burns reverses him in, cross-corner whip is reversed but Burns leapfrogs up to the top rope and gets shoved off so hard he BOUNCES off of the turnbuckle and into a Super Neckbreaker from Magnus for 2! Magnus up top(!), but takes too long jawing the fans and Burns crotches him. Burns with rights, goes up himself, superplex! Both men are up to beat the 10-count, Magnus misses a clothesline and Burns hits a spinning heel kick. Burns puts him into the ropes and hits a Koppou kick for 2! Weird. Burns mounts him in the corner for a series of rights, puts him into the opposite corner and promptly eats boot. Burns attempts another charge and gets posted for his troubles. Magnus up and waiting, Burns walks into Rock Bottom position, thumbs down, I'm Better Than You(inverted Rock Bottom), and it's over(4:20 shown)?! Not a good showing for the former champion, as Magnus basically walked all over him here. WESTURN brings you the replay, all right.

SDW RETURNS you know where.

Treasure Island. Less than 40 minutes from the Twin Cities. Still.

I'm Fernan-uhh, Kandriasin, and I'm 45! That's how they promote this channel, I don't know. Are YOU 45?

More local spots.

3rd Match: Adrian "Not Retired" Lynch vs. "Kamikaze" Ken Anderson. Almost two minutes of stalling and bullshit to start, and the presumably green new referee doesn't even signal for the fucking bell, so I'm starting the count from the lockup, thangyuhvermuch. Anderson muscles Lynch into the corner, the ref breaks 'em up, and Lynch claims tights-pullery. The ref consults with the crowd, who ignore him completely, choosing instead to chant something indecipherable. Almost TWO MORE MINUTES of stalling follows, and I'm getting sick of this shit. Back to the collar-and-elbow tieup, trading armbars, Anderson with a hammerlock but Lynch gives him a drop toehold and literally walks all over him. Lynch mistakenly keeps his back to Anderson, who then gives HIM a double-leg takedown and walks all over him, emphasizing his resentment of Lynch's treatment of him by paintbrushing him in the back of the head repeatedly and celebrating. Lynch takes umbrage with this and beats Anderson down like the proverbial red-headed stepchild. Criss-cross, Anderson with a flying bodypress for 2, and up with a dropkick right in Lynch's face. Anderson with a series of cross-corner whips, but he charges in on the last one and Lynch drop-toeholds him into a faceful of turnbuckle. Lynch beats on him some more and chokes him in the corner. Anderson with rights, but misses a clothesline and Lynch drops him with a belly-to-back suplex. Lynch puts more hurting on Anderson and flicks his sweat on him, but the LynchBomb meets knees! Anderson with the rights, juking, jiving, and a big right lays Lynch flat. Flying forearm shiver by Anderson, spinning heel kick, 2. Anderson slams Lynch and goes up top, "Kenton" Bomb HITS, 1, 2, foot on the rope. Slugfest is won by Anderson, Irish whip is reversed into a knee, Jumping Lynchdriver, 1, 2, 3(6:34 shown). And now, more of the same.

If you didn't know that SDW RETURNS TO TREASURE ISLAND tonight by now, well, I don't think there's anything I can do for you.

Argente Photographie. Ha-woot.

More local spottage.

Hell-Oween is week. Ph33r.

4th Match, for the Steel Domain Assclownweight Championship: Lenny Lane(champ) vs. Austin Aries Oddly enough, Lane has System of a Down's "Chop Suey!" for his music now, and it's not makin' a whole lotta sense from where I stand. Anyway, both men are quick to lock up, and Aries is just climbing all over Lane, bodyscissoring him into a quick 2 count. Aries makes a "this close" hand motion to Lane, who doesn't take too kindly to that at all. Lockup, and Aries again outmaneuvers Lane, getting a rolling prawn hold for 2. Lane is about sick of this, and when Aries goes for the lockup, Lane snatches a rolling cradle pin for 2! Lane mocks Aries with his own "this close", but Aries slaps Lane right across the face, so Lane barrels over him with a lariat. Aries gets up, eats a gutshot, Flame-Asser by Lane! Lane celebrates a bit, goes up top, flying bodypress hits, 1, 2, Scotty Zappa has left the announce position and interrupts the count! Lane has Aries held up still, so Joe Mackoe slides in and makes the count, but Soltis throws him off! It's breaking loose in Treasure Island! Lane rolls up Aries AGAIN as the refs argue over who gets to bar Zappa from ringside, and in that time Magnus Maximus is in the ring and WAFFLES Lane with the title! Aries takes his sweet time making the cover, and Lane kicks out at two. Lane struggles to get up and Aries has an armbar, which he segues into a Tajiri-like kick to the back of the head, rolled over into LA MAGISTRAL! Okay, that was an awesome combination, and I'm shocked, nay, AMAZED that Tajiri hasn't used that yet. It only got 2 on a freshly-bladed Lane, but so what, it ruled! Lane is in the ropes and Aries is on him like a rabid Pomeranian, choking Lane out and tearing at the cut . It'd almost be cute, but for all the blood. Aww. Aries punches him down and nails a jumping fistdrop for two. Aries is posing, swing his arms left, right, and hits a Vortex Elbow(where he falls forward like a falling headbutt, but twists counterclockwise at the last second and drops an elbow) for 2 and a commercial break! Screw the commercials, I'm fast-forwarding.

When we return, Aries hits another fistdrop on Lane, poses again, hits the...Vortex...Elbow...*sigh* they just played the same part of the tape again, and I'm going to have to take a minute to figure out exactly how to time this one...bear with me here...okay. Lane has the Crimson Mask going, and I'm surprised they're letting this go on a network station. Aries nails a running knee in the corner, and chokes Lane on the top rope, climbing out of the ring to vault back in and elbow him in the face in mid-air! A nice-looking move, but I fail to see where it'd hurt more than just standing there and elbowing the sumbitch proper-like. Aries gets the Windpipe Chop Rush in the corner, and Lane is in serious trouble. He gamely makes a comeback, though, running Aries into the corner and clotheslining him down from behind. Both men get back to their feet, Aries charges into the corner but Lane leapfrogs him, twists into a bodyscissors pin, 1, 2, no. Aries is quickly up with a clothesline with is ducked by Lane, half-nelson slam that bounces Aries a foot into the air for a 2 count. Lane grabs Aries, who hits a jawbreaker, and charges into Lane's back bodydrop out of the ring, no, Aries lands on the apron and takes Lane down by his hair. Aries with a SLINGSHOT SKY-TWISTER PRESS! Wow! 1! 2! NO! Damn, that was a great move. Aries is frustrated, and he mounts Lane and rains rights on him, then goes outside, vaults up and over the top rope into a...2-and-a-half-jump moonsault, I guess, for 2. Aries chokes Lane in the ropes some more, and drives him down with a vicious belly-to-back suplex. Stomps to the face by Aries, and he's talking smack to Lane, while bouncing off the ropes and punching him in the face repeatedly. Eww, he's got blood all over his fists! Aries goes for one rebound punch too many, though, and eats a last-ditch superkick from Lane. Both men are down, but beat the 10 count, and Lane is fired up and doling out much lariatation for Aries, who throws a punch, ducked by Lane, who picks Aries up into a fireman's carry, swung out into a Diamond Cutter! 1, 2, no. Aries put into the corner, Lane with a splash and another cross-corner whip, but Aries flips out of the corner with a headscissors attempt, but Lane almost casually swats him to the floor. Ow. Aries is put back into the ring and onto the top rope, Lane follows him up but gets headbutted off and Aries hits a beautiful huracan rana! Aries is thoroughly pleased with his little self, making the "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" signal before going back up, but the 450 misses and he splats on the mat. Lane is up and snatches a full-nelson on Aries, who gets a bodyscissors to escape, but Lane catches him and goes for a double-leg facebuster, which is escaped again by Aries, who gives Lane a mulekick and comes off the ropes with a handstand huracan rana attempt, caught by Lane and reversed into the Styles Clash! 1, 2, 3(10:00 shown)! Before Lane can celebrate, though, Magnus Maximus is back into the ring, kicking the absolute crap out of Lane and hitting the inverted Rock Bottom on him. Magnus stands over a helpless Lane and talks more shit to him as we fade out. Whoa, I'm almost late for the pay-per view!

©MMII Steel Domain Wrestling SPCW, LLC.

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