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*Outsiders Point*

Well, I had a couple of hours free on this Monday, and seeing as how I don't really mind doing this show as much as I used to, well, I hope you enjoy it. ...So, how about that No Mercy? My girlfriend couldn't make it to the pay-per-view, so I was the only guy there without a girlfriend's head to protectively cradle during Undertaker's sickening five-alarm bladejob, although another guy's girlfriend let me pretend to after the match so I could feel like more of a manly man...of course, this is the same girl who head-faked me into almost kissing her instead of MY girlfriend at Unforgiven, making me look like a complete jackass, so I figure we're square now. Aren't pay-per-views fun? My favorite part of the title match was where Paul Heyman was going into absurd histrionics during the match, and a fan was leaning over him, yelling, "ACT, HEYMAN, ACT!". *ahem* Let me see now, Van Dam's pinned just about everybody he's ever wrestled now, hasn't he? I remember a promo he cut way back on ECW on TNN where he talked about how proud he was about beating everyone he had ever faced...of course, he realized he was stoned and admitted he never really beat Ric Flair, but last night I bet that somewhere in Passaic, Fonzie was blowing his whistle in time to the three-count, and Van Dam smoked away the portion of his brain that held that memory, thus guaranteeing that I will be the only person ever to remember that. You know, I wasn't really going anywhere with that whole damned thing, so let's get to the other stream-of-consciousness typing whatever comes into my head portion of our report.

Opening Montage gets a whole :30 before we go immediately to the first match...oops...

1st Match: Austin Aries vs. Big Daddy Hooper(w/Big Daddy HOOFER Big Daddy Hooper is bad enough, but Hoofer?! What the hell kind of a name is that? Anyway, we go right to the lockup, and Aries outmaneuvers the, Big Daddy...and grabs an arm wringer, from which he quickly establishes the fact that he's fast with more wrestling, yup. Knee to the gut and a slap across the face by Aries, who poses for the crowd only to turn around and get leveled by an angry Hooper. Aries is up and stairsteps up to the top rope, backflips over Hooper and they trade hiptosses. Slam by Hooper and Aries begs off. Aries takes control with a gutshot and kicks Hooper's ass in the corner, culminating with that slingshot elbow he used against Lenny Lane last week. More ass-kicking by Aries and he cross-whips Hooper, only to charge right into boot. Hooper slugs Aries and back-suplexes him down, getting a backbreaker/side walk slam combo for 2. Hooper with a double chop in the corner! Another chop, and Aries is on the receiving end of a weird running knee bulldog that I'm surprised HHH hasn't stolen yet. It gets two. Aries escapes a slam, and a kick and an eyerake turn the tide, but Hooper dumps him...inadvertently, it seems, since Aries was supposed to grab the ropes, but his hands slip and he splats on the floor. Ow. He recovers quickly, though, and takes Hooper down with a double leg trip, and follows up with a spinning slingshot splash! 1, 2, foot on the rope. Aries kicks the foot away and puts Hooper out with a running low dropkick. Corkscrew pescado by Aries! Hooper is put back into the ring and Aries nails a slingshot senton a la Eddie Guerrero, and a cocky pin only gets 2. Aries argues the count, Hooper schoolboys him for 2, and Aries pops up and lariats him down for a 2 of his own. Aries with an Irish whip, but Hooper hits a SOMERSAULT SPEAR?! How the HELL did he do that?! Slugfest is won by Hooper, and he bounces Aries awkwardly off the ropes and clotheslines him in the back of the head. Hooper goes up, but Aries catches him with a double-jump dropkick, and huracan ranas him down! Aries drags him into position under the opposite corner, but proves he's Van Dam and SCREWS THE POOCH by blowing a turnbuckle vault, landing on his head and staggering around like he concussed himself. The tubfuck casino-goers belay him with a hearty "you fucked up" chant, because being drunk and huge is awesome. Aries, daunted only slightly by his concussion, nevertheless goes back up and somehow manages to connect with a picture-perfect Firebird Splash! 1, 2, 3(6:13 shown). SDW Replay brought to you by WESTURN, and I don't think they'll get any business if they keep that goddamn logo so small that we never know what it is they actually DO.

Are YOU 45?

Argente Photographie spot. Yecch.

Treasure Island spot. Smoke 'em if you got 'em! Wait, no.

More local spots, and SDW RETURNS TO TREASURE ISLAND last night. KEN PATERA WAS THERE! My heart is filled with regret.

2nd Match: Kevin(or "KEVEN" if the graphic is to be believed)Kruger vs. Black Stallion. Black Stallion looks nervous, but DAMN is he ripped. Kruger mocks Stallion's double-guns pose, and takes him down with a single-leg trip. Stallion kicks him away, and they more or less do the exact same sequence, only Stallion gets a rollup for 2. Shoving match follows, and Stallion puts Kruger down with a Harlem Sidekick. Diving shoulderblock, and the screen gets cut into 3 splits, none of which show anything useful. We return to normal as Stallion gets a back bodydrop, and a 2 count. Stallion with rights, but notices the camera RIGHT IN HIS FACE, and tries to call the spot a bit less obviously while Kruger lifts him up and stunguns him. A fan yells something incoherent, and everyone in the audience laughs heartily. Uh-huh. Backbreaker leads to some choking, but the audience seems content to amuse themselves yelling shit and laughing at their own jokes. Jackoffs. Kruger keeps Stallion grounded with knees and choking, and a pin attempt gets 2. They jockey for position, and Kruger's diving clothesline gets 2. Kruger puts Stallion into the corner and chops him, and some fat drawling woman bellows at Kruger like she was in the Mid-South Coliseum and it was 1982. Stallion reverses and sends him across the ring, but eats boot on a charge and Kruger folds him up for 2. Kruger with a snapmare and he goes up, but he dives off face-first into Black Stallion's boot. Stallion's attempts at garnering heat are lost on the casino-goers, but her nevertheless fires back with fists, elbows, clotheslines and a slam for 2. Stallion goes for a tombstone, but Kruger gets a gobehind, standing switch, gutshot and a half-assed front-face suplex gets the duke(4:52 shown). It was back-and-forth, but never really went anywhere, and that was a rather abrupt ending for such a poor finisher...maybe if he did it off the top, I don't know. Kruger kicks Stallion and poses while WESTURN does their thing.

Do you plan on going to Treasure Island at some point? USE SMOKE AWAY TO QUIT SMOKING IN 7 DAYS!

SDW RETURNS TO TREASURE ISLAND! Go see Ken Patera and compliment him on his Olympic afro!

3rd Match(joined in progress): Ken Anderson vs. Some Fat Guy(no graphic and they don't call him anything), with Special Guest Referee "Sweet Susan". Fatty gives Ken a rib breaker, and controls him with his basic Fat Guy Offense. Susan's pretty sizable herself, and isn't much for taking lip from no fat boys. I wonder how she and Miss Natural would get along? Ken takes a rare Six-Inch Whip from Fatty, and he just BOUNCES out of the corner and crumples to the ground painfully. Fat Guy(who Special Guest Commentator Scotty Zappa calls "Thug", but I've set a precedent here, so Fatty it is!) targets the back with various punchy-kicky kneesy things and Anderson tries to slam him, because he's a fucking moron. Apparently Fatty's full name is The Chi-Town Thug, but Fatty just seems to suit him so much better. Anderson keeps trying to come back, but Fatty possesses much fatness that cannot be overcome! Fat spinebuster for 2! More tubby squashitude from the Fatster, but he refuses to pin Ken. AAAAAH CLOSE-UP CAMERA SHOT FOCUSING ON SUSAN'S ASS THREATENS ME WITH BLINDNESS AAAAAH! Anderson eventually wins a slugfest and a flying lariat puts Chi-Town Tub out on his feet, and Anderson gets a change-up RAVE WAR COMBO(he must play Tekken) for 2! Beautiful combination. Fatass tries for a clothesline, but Anderson ducks it, hits a side Russian Legsweep, goes up top, Kenton Bomb finishes at 4:34 shown. Suck my bias, WESTURN!

Johnny Parks looks like Silent Bob Post-Op is our new SDW Number One Announcer, By Cracky! He's here for an interview with SDW Women's Champ ODB, but he gets hit in the face with the door as she storms out and will have to do it some other time.

SDW Hell-Oween is coming October 26th! Featured matches include:

  • Lenny Lane vs. Magnus Maximus for the SDW Heavyweight Title

  • Mitch Paradise vs. Tracey Smothers(?) for the SDW Twin Cities Television Title

  • Horace the Psychopath vs. Adrian Lynch(maybe)

  • Call 1-800-383-5672 to reserve your tickets

    Treasure Island! Just like the tropics in Minnesota, without any of that pesky racial diversity to interrupt your gorging, drinking and gambling pleasure!

    Local Spots.

    SDW was over somewhere some other day. Here's a spot about it.

    4th Match: Matt Burns and Red Lightning vs. Gauge Octane and JB Trask(w/Gage & JB Trask Vs. Matt Burns & Mitch Paradise graphic?!)w/ Vixen Apparently, jobber Red Lightning has metamorphosed into the Television Champion...or the producer is a goddamned idiot. Stalling to start as the heels debate over who should start, and Octane will pair off with Burns. Collar-and-elbow tieup, and Burns grabs a side headlock. Mat wrestling follows, and Burns outdoes Octane, who begs off to ask Trask for advice. Octane makes another go at it, but Burns reverses him into next week, so Octane punches him in the face and tags in the scientific wrestling paragon that is JB Trask. Or not ™. Trask gets a heaping plate of armdrags, and Burns locks in the armbar long enough to tag in Red Lightning. RL focuses on the arm, eventually whipping Trask into a dropkick. The faces control with standard vanilla double-teaming, and Burns splashes the arm and gets a short-arm scissors. Red Lightning comes in for more armwork, but the heels get more heelish than his jobby self can handle, and Red Lightning becomes YOUR face-in-peril(and probably likes Everquest®, from the looks of him). Octane goes all Road Dogg...I mean, BG Jammes(Christ...)on RL with the punches, and mercifully we go to commercial.

    You know all those hysterical commercial recaps I did? Think about those, and how much funnier they were than this one, while I go take a shot.

    ....back already? Red Lightning is fighting for the tag while Octane keeps him in a front chancery, and I'm sure you know the drill by now. While all that's going on, commentator Dale Spear(or Chris Dady. One of those goobers) DARES to compare Trask to Ric Flair, and I'm this close to hitting Mute. God, these commentators are worthless. In the midst of the beatings, Octane gets a 2 from that hiptoss/Michinoku Driver thing, and I'm enjoying it. The heels put the beating to the red-headed jobbing stepchild for a good long while in that formulaic way, but a double-KO spot leads to Burns getting the hot tag, and house-cleaning ensues. Stunner on Octane gets 2, and Trask accidentally elbowdrops his own partner trying to break it up. Vixen makes her presence felt, tripping Burns and suckering him out of the ring while the heels reduce Red Lightning to a thin red paste, finishing the poor jobber with a bodyscissors into 3D at 9:27 shown. WESTURN does the rest.

    Droppin' commercials on that ass, beeyotch.

    5th Match: Mitch Paradise([Campeon]with ridiculous coconut tree tights) vs. Adrian Lynch, for the SDW Twin Cities Television Championship Lynch stalls a whole shitload to start, but eventually locks up with Paradise, who promptly throws him halfway across the ring. Guess how Lynch responds? If you said, "he stalls more than ever and claims a pull of the tights just to frustrate you further because he sucks and you love run-on sentences", you're right! Lynch sucks! I DO love run-on sentences! Isn't this great? Orrrrrr...NOT? *ahem* I've had my moment. Eventually we get back to the lockup, and Paradise(not the girl from WOW. Down, Boss.) gets an armbar, throws Lynch down and legdrops the arm. He keeps on the arm until Lynch claims a hair-pull and thumbs him in the eye to break. Lynch with rights, Paradise puts him down with an elbow and slams him, and Lynch begs off. Well, it may not be the best stuff, but you don't see any Main Event Sleepers or knee braces here! (What did that have to do with anything?) Well, I'm just saying, is all. Lynch wants a handshake, and we waste some time with that(Lynch crosses himself! He's true blue, I tell ya!) before Paradise tries to shake, Lynch fakes him out and offers the hand AGAIN, and we go to commercial.

    Just two spots, this time. Back to the action, and Lynch yanks the second rope up when Paradise follows him into the ring, crotching him. Lynch beats on him and ties him up in the ropes, and works the helpless Mitch Paradise over for having such a lame ring name. Paradise comes back with rights, but a headbutt to the groin stops him cold. Snapmare and a falling headbutt to the groin only gets 1. The casino-goers have managed to start up a "Paradise" chant, surprising me, and he comes back for a few blows only to fall prey to a hairpull throw by Lynch for 2. Lynch goes for the chinlock and Paradise seems to almost pass out, but at the third arm-raise he spazzes out and goes nuts on Greasy with elbows, but eats a knee and goes down. Lynch argues something with Jay Soltis while kneeling on Paradise's throat, and Soltis isn't just blind, but he proves to be numb below the waist, too, ignoring Paradise's arms flailing at his pant leg. Lynch kicks Paradise in the ear(presumably for calling the spots really obviously, because Mitch weren't foolin' NOBODY there), but misses an elbowdrop. And another! Lynch stomps him in the corner and spits on him, which causes Mitch to do the Page Pull-Up out of the corner and wait patiently for Lynch to turn around, and turn around he does in time to see Paradise doing the Goldberg Roar and Flex! And it's no-selling time, as Paradise plays Hulk Hogan and Lynch plays everybody else right up to the big boot. Make it two. Lynch misses a clothesline and Paradise puts him in Baldo Bomb position, but before he can slam him down...well, shit, here comes Tracey Smothers to draw the DQ at 7:33 shown. Spinning heel kick by Smothers! Shaky knee drop! The heels commence with much beatlery on Paradise, and Smothers hits the Flatliner! Smothers with pelvic thrusts all over the place, but even his old-man pervyness can't help them, as they blow a spike-piledriver spot and have to do it again, only not off the top(which would have been cooler) this time. Smothers and Lynch mug while Soltis checks on Paradise, and that's all I got for ya this week.

    (Added attraction: For those of you wondering, Smothers' handsome cotton t-shirt says, (front) "Nobody Does It Like A Thug/ Sellout Smothers" (back) "T- is for Terrible/ H- is for Hell/ U- is for Ugly/ G- is for Jail/ 'Cause a THUG can't spell! One thing we can spell is HEAVEN!!")

    Worst T-Shirt design...ever. Thanks for reading!

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